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i.
Marco died first.
It was gory, just as he’d expected it to be. He hadn’t thought he would be the first to die, but then again, he hadn’t thought about what order everyone would be dying in at all. He also didn’t know he was the first to die until later; Jake broke the news while everyone else stood around solemnly, and someone was crying in the background.
“I was so close to being dead!” Marco had breathed, unbelieving.
“You were,” Jake confirmed.
Silence.
No. Silence and sobbing.
“He gave you an electric shock to start your heart again,” Jake said calmly, stiffly, quietly.
“Who did?”
(It was Erek. Erek, the Chee. Erek the murderer, he supposed.)
(But Erek had also brought him back to life again, when he was supposed to have died. And Erek had reattached Ax’s arm. He’d saved one life, for the cost of dozens of Yeerk ones.)
(Marco could respect that.)
(He didn’t thank Erek, though.)
The Ellimist showed up in his nightmare.
ʏᴏᴜ ᴅɪᴇᴅ.
Marco didn’t acknowledge its presence at first. It wasn’t bothering him. It wasn’t asking for a conversation. And despite the fear that shot through him at the Ellimist’s sudden appearance, he didn’t wake up. Somehow.
ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴇʀᴇ ꜱᴀᴠᴇᴅ, the Ellimist continued.
Its voice was not something Marco could simply cover his ears and get rid of. It was like a parasite, stating the obvious until he had to say something back. It was like a Yeerk, except instead of making its full dominance over you known, the Ellimist simply gave the illusion of choice. You didn’t realise you were being controlled until it was too late.
ʏᴏᴜ ꜱʜᴏᴜʟᴅ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴅɪᴇᴅ.
“Are you going to say anything useful?” Marco spat.
Maybe this isn’t the real Ellimist, he thought for a second. Maybe this is just my mind, playing tricks on me. Erek can’t forget any of what he did. Maybe it’s trying to make sure I don’t forget, either.
But he knew it was the real deal. One’s mind did not simply conjure up a version of the Ellimist for their dreams. It was either there, or it wasn’t.
And now, it was there.
ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ꜰᴏʀᴛᴜɴᴀᴛᴇ ᴛᴏ ꜱᴛɪʟʟ ʙᴇ ʙʀᴇᴀᴛʜɪɴɢ, it said.
“I know.”
ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜʏ ʏᴏᴜ ꜰɪɢʜᴛ?
“Yes.” His mother. His father. Unsaid were the words, but the Ellimist heard them all the same.
ʏᴏᴜ ꜱʜᴏᴜʟᴅ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴅɪᴇᴅ, it repeated. ꜱʜᴏᴜʟᴅ ʜᴀᴠᴇ.
“Maybe,” Marco replied.
ꜱʜᴏᴜʟᴅ ʜᴀᴠᴇ.
“But I didn’t, did I?” Marco shot back, and when there wasn’t a response, “Exactly.”
ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ꜰᴜɴɴʏ ᴏɴᴇ, ᴄᴏʀʀᴇᴄᴛ? ʜᴇʀᴇ'ꜱ ᴀ ᴊᴏᴋᴇ ꜰᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜ.
“What?” he asked, more out of confusion than curiosity.
ʏᴏᴜʀ ꜰʀɪᴇɴᴅꜱ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴇʀᴇ ᴅᴇᴀᴅ, it said. ʙᴜᴛ ᴛʜᴇɴ, ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴇʀᴇ ᴀʟɪᴠᴇ.
Marco said nothing. There was a loud silence, but no one was sobbing.
ᴅᴏᴇꜱ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʀᴇᴍɪɴᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴏꜰ ᴀɴʏᴏɴᴇ? the Ellimist asked him.
ii.
“I almost died, I think,” Marco said, looking down at his hands.
“You did,” Jake confirmed.
“I did?” He wasn’t surprised, funnily enough. “How do you know?”
“I was there.”
It was night, and Jake and Marco were standing outside Jake’s house. Marco was about to ride home. It was maybe three days after Royan Island; the others treated him with pity even though they were trying their hardest not to — they wouldn’t say anything, but he heard it in their silences. He hated it when people felt sorry for him. It made him feel weak. He wasn’t weak.
Marco looked up at the sky, at the moon.
“I’ve died two times now,” he said.
“Yeah.”
“How’d it happen?” Marco asked.
He wasn’t asking how he had died. He knew that much. He’d been in gorilla morph, same as before. He had “saved” his mother by telling Rachel the truth, but now she could be dead anyway, and Marco was wondering what he had actually accomplished by telling anyone the truth at all. Did he regret it?
He didn’t have a solid answer to the question.
Marco had died sometime during the escape. When they were getting out of there. It was after he saw the Leeran going in his mother’s direction. Marco … he’d hesitated, he remembered that much. And then there was pain, and his vision was fading.
He’d heard a scream. Was it his own? Was it someone else’s?
He remembered being at peace with his death. Or maybe he was remembering it wrong. But he remembered waking up again, to people’s yells.
How had it happened? How had he died a second time, and then come back alive again?
“Erek,” Jake said.
“Again?”
“Yeah. He didn’t want you to know, at first. None of the others did, either. So no one told you that you died. But this morning Erek said I could tell.”
“Why didn’t he want me to know?” Marco asked, almost disdainfully. “Is it because he thought I would quit the team?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I won’t.”
“I know you won’t,” Jake replied. The way he said it, it sounded true. Marco felt a bit better after that. He wondered, though, if everyone else had really thought he would quit the team after he had died.
Twice.
“Twice,” Marco said softly, for no particular reason.
Jake said nothing.
“Hey,” Marco said suddenly. “You thought I was dead, right?”
“You … were.”
“Did you think I’d be revived again?”
Jake blinked at him, once, probably trying to figure out what kind of game he was playing. Then he shook his head.
“I thought too much time had passed for him to give you a shock,” Jake said. “It was definitely too much time to get you to a human doctor. But I guess I underestimated alien technology. We all did. I was … I was wondering how I would explain it to your dad."
Marco’s throat closed up. He was grateful it was dark. He hadn’t been thinking about his father.
He made himself complete his thought, though, because if he didn’t, Jake would get suspicious.
“You thought I was dead,” Marco said slowly. “And then I was alive. That’s the second time it’s happened.”
Marco didn’t believe in fate. But still, it felt a bit strange.
He and Jake stood in silence for a while longer. Then Marco made a joke, and both of them laughed, and Marco got on his bike and rode away.
iii.
Dead. Dead. Dead.
“You thought I was dead, right?” Marco breathed. “You thought — you thought—”
It was a day after David had gotten trapped as a rat. It was multiple days after everyone had thought Marco was killed. It was fifteen minutes after the Ellimist had come back, and reminded Marco of what that meant, and now Marco was at Jake’s place in the middle of the night.
He’d just demorphed. The sound of it had woken Jake up, he supposed. Jake caught him as he fell forward.
“Marco?”
“Did I die?” he asked.
He could see the bewilderment in Jake’s eyes, even with the room so dark he couldn’t see anything else.
“No,” Jake said. Then, “When?”
Something about his voice, about the question, snapped Marco out of it. He forced himself to calm down. He pushed himself out of Jake’s grip.
“David,” Marco said. “The baseball bat. Did I die?”
“I don’t know,” Jake said honestly. “I wasn’t there.”
“I think I died.”
Jake nodded. “But then how would you have gotten out?” he asked.
“Maybe it was Erek again,” Marco muttered. He’d meant it as a joke. Jake didn’t even smile.
“I don’t think you died,” Jake said. “But I wasn’t there. I don’t know.”
Marco nodded. He felt stupid now. “I should g—”
ʏᴏᴜ ᴅɪᴇᴅ.
Marco tensed.
“Ellimist?” asked Jake, looking around wildly for a person that would never show up.
“I died,” Marco repeated slowly. Jake’s head snapped towards him. There was suspicion in his eyes. So much suspicion.
ɪᴛ ᴡᴀꜱ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄʜᴇᴇ ꜰʀɪᴇɴᴅ, the Ellmist said, answering Marco’s next question. ꜱᴛʀᴀɴɢᴇ, ʜᴏᴡ ʜᴇ ꜱᴜᴅᴅᴇɴʟʏ ᴋɴᴇᴡ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ʜᴀᴅ ʜᴀᴘᴘᴇɴᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ʏᴏᴜ. ᴅᴏᴇꜱɴ'ᴛ ɪᴛ ᴍᴀᴋᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴜʀɪᴏᴜꜱ?
Then time started moving again. The Ellimist had left.
“I guess that answers that,” Marco said. “I should go—”
“No.” Jake grabbed his arm. “Marco, what was that?”
“You know what it was,” Marco replied tersely. “It’s probably watching us right now and laughing.”
“Has it been talking to you?” Jake demanded, getting right in Marco’s face. “Has it been telling you things?”
Marco’s silence told him everything. Also, there was no sobbing.
“Since when?” Jake asked. He sounded mad — mad that Marco had been keeping a secret so big, but he had to have known that if he hadn’t recognised Marco’s mother on the pool ship, Marco wouldn’t have told him anything about it.
Or would he have?
Marco didn’t know, but he didn’t think so.
“Since I died,” Marco said simply. “The first time, I mean.”
“The first time,” Jake repeated.
Marco nodded.
iv.
<Marco!>
<I’m coming,> he whispered.
Marco died fourth.
When he woke up, Cassie was standing over him. She was in human form, but quickly returning to wolf. Jake was a tiger. Rachel, a grizzly. Everybody was freezing, of course.
<You were dead,> Jake said quickly, before Marco could even ask. <Demorph. Remorph to wolf.>
Marco did as he was told.
<How?>
He wasn’t asking how he had died.
<CPR,> Jake told him privately. <Cassie’s idea.>
So he had died. Again. And now he was alive. Cassie, this time, and not Erek the Chee. A change in the pattern of Marco dying, but he knew that this was all just some twisted kind of luck.
The next time he died, he knew it would be final.
He thanked Cassie for saving his life.
When they got back from the Arctic, he spoke to Erek.
“That Chee you sent to be me,” Marco said. “It cleaned my room. Send a different one next time.”
“Oh, that was my idea. I thought it would be funny,” Erek said simply, flashing a holographic grin. Erek opened the door and Marco stepped in, and they both went down to the Chee park together.
“I had another question,” Marco said.
“I figured.”
“Yeah?”
“You wouldn’t have come all the way down here if you didn’t have another question,” Erek told him, and he was right, but Marco didn’t let him know that.
“I could just be down here to show that Chee actor a lesson,” he said instead. He looked around at the park. None of the Chee needed their holograms anymore, so they all looked the same.
“What’s your question?” Erek asked.
“Can we talk in private?”
“That was the question?” Erek joked, but took Marco to a more secluded area of the park anyway, and waved off anyone who tried to get close. “Alright. What is it?”
“Why do you keep saving me?”
Erek cocked his head — his true, android head — and chuckled. “Isn’t it obvious? You’re supposed to save the world. We can’t have you dead.”
That was true. If any of the Animorphs died, not only would their value to the team be taken away, but the emotional damage on the others would be too much to handle. Someone would try to quit the team, and no one would argue against it. Except for maybe Marco, in the case that he wasn’t the one who had died.
Which seemed very unlikely.
“Right,” he said. “But what about that time with David? He hit me with the baseball bat, and I went unconscious, and I bled out until I died. I don’t think he knew he killed me, but you did. How’d you know?”
“How did you know it was me?” Erek asked him. “I got out of there.”
“That doesn’t matter. How did you know I was dying?”
“You’re an Animorph,” Erek replied. “You people are always dying.”
“That’s true,” Marco said, “but how would you have known to come to my house and open my closet, minutes after I was tossed in there?”
“You died in the Arctic, right?”
Marco’s stomach dropped. “You knew about that, too?”
“It was pretty obvious,” Erek said. He waved a metallic hand at him. “It’s obvious in the way you’re acting.”
“But you knew because of something else, too, right?”
“No. Not that time.”
“Then?”
“Our spies have been watching you,” Erek replied smoothly. “I thought you might die again. We can’t kill anyone, but we can revive people, in that small window of time in which they can be saved. I didn’t tell the spies why I wanted them to watch you, because they’re all still against the idea of that much intervention.”
That wasn’t what Marco had expected. He didn’t know what he’d expected, but it wasn’t that.
“Oh,” he said. Then quietly again, “Oh.”
“Is something wrong?”
“Well, no, I just—”
ᴀɴᴅ ꜱᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛʀᴜᴛʜ ᴄᴏᴍᴇꜱ ᴏᴜᴛ.
Marco jumped nearly four feet in the air.
Erek didn’t notice. Erek had frozen, because time had frozen: everything was quiet and nothing was moving; silence without sobs.
“What the heck?” Marco demanded. “Why are you here?”
The Ellimist said nothing, and that allowed some fear to spike up in Marco. Maybe the thing didn’t like disrespect, and it would kill him. But maybe it wouldn’t. He hadn’t quite figured out what its deal was yet.
ʀᴇᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ ᴛʜᴇ ǫᴜᴇꜱᴛɪᴏɴ ɪ ᴀꜱᴋᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ? it said finally.
“You asked me a couple of questions,” Marco said warily. “Be more specific.”
ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴᴇ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴡʜʏ ʏᴏᴜ ꜰɪɢʜᴛ, it said. ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜʏ ʏᴏᴜ ꜰɪɢʜᴛ?
“Yes.”
His answer still hadn’t changed.
ᴀʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ꜱᴜʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ꜱᴛɪʟʟ ᴋɴᴏᴡ?
“Yes.”
ꜰᴜɴɴʏ, the Ellimist said, ʜᴏᴡ ʜᴜᴍᴀɴꜱ ᴄᴀɴ ʙᴇ ꜱᴏ ᴄᴏɴꜰɪᴅᴇɴᴛ ɪɴ ᴛʜɪɴɢꜱ. ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛʜɪɴᴋ ᴛʜᴀᴛ'ꜱ ꜰᴜɴɴʏ?
v.
“You died,” said Jake.
“I know,” said Marco. Then he laughed. “Fifth time.”
“Fifth time,” Jake repeated. He didn’t laugh.
Marco’s mother was most likely dead, even though there was no body, and even though the last time there was no body and she was most likely dead, she wasn’t dead at all.
Marco was not dead.
“Has the Ellimist said anything?” Jake asked. “You know you need to tell us if the Ellimist has been saying anything.”
“There was one thing, a while ago,” Marco said carefully. “Not about this. He hasn’t talked to me since this.”
“What was it?” Jake demanded immediately.
“Remember when I told you about what Erek said? You know, about him saving my life?”
“Yeah.”
Marco knew Jake remembered. Of course Jake remembered. It was how he’d known to go to Erek after Marco’s death. After Marco’s fifth death. And why he wasn’t surprised that Erek wasn’t surprised.
“The Ellimist intervened,” Marco told Jake. “He asked me some dumb question. If I knew why I was fighting the war.”
Jake furrowed his brow. “Do you think he might have been persuading you to quit?”
“I don’t know,” Marco said. “Don’t think so. Remember the first time we met him, and we thought that was what he was doing? It wasn’t. Maybe he’s got some kind of game here, too. Maybe not, though. I might just be looking into it too much.”
“Did he say anything else?”
“No. Nothing.”
“Oh.”
Neither of them said anything for a moment. Then Marco went home.
He had died.
He had died five times. He had died five times, and Cassie saved him once, and Erek saved him all the other times, but Marco had still died.
Died. That used to be an absolute word. It still is: this is a war. It’s absolute more than ever.
But Marco had died five times.
Five times.
vi.
“So, Dad? When we get to Acapulco, can I rent a jet ski?”
“They pollute and make noise. And they’re dangerous. Do you want to be responsible for affecting your environment in a negative way?”
“No, I just want to fly through the water at fifty miles per hour and jump a ten-foot wave.”
“We’ll see.”
“Why can’t we wait until Nora gets some time off? Why do we have to go away now?”
“I told you already, Marco. Because I need to get away from work for a while. It’s obvious that idiotic device I’ve been working on is important to somebody. God knows why! But I’m in danger because of it. Kidnapped and held prisoner by some nutbags in costumes? I don’t need that kind of stress. Let someone else finish the project.”
Then the Yeerks arrived. They arrived with their Dracon beams and aimed them at Marco’s father. The body was reduced to nothing in seconds.
Then Marco’s was, too.
The Yeerks left, satisfied.
Marco was dead.
ᴡᴀᴋᴇ ᴜᴘ, teased the Ellimist.
Marco — the real Marco — morphed out. He’d been quietly observing the scene in cockroach form, something that was not required for the success of the plan, but something that he’d wanted to do anyway.
“All clear,” he reported, even though it was already known. Erek and Mr. King slipped out of their holograms and collapsed.
Erek had been playing the part of Marco. He had saved Marco’s life. Again.
Mr. King had been Marco’s father, and he looked like he’d paid the price for it.
“Are you guys okay?” Marco asked.
(They didn’t look okay, but they acted it.)
(Marco acted it, too.)
(Marco was dead.)
(But he wasn’t.)
(Marco wasn’t dead.)
Silence without sobbing. Marco turned to Erek.
“Thanks,” he said finally.