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Like every sleepover since childhood, they shared the same bed; it's no stranger to them, except something feels off tonight.
The pale, blue moonlight drapes across Yoshiki's room and into the emotions neither of them wants to confront, tracing the face of two. Neither can sleep, but the silence is like eternity. They have their own woes, but should they really share them? They have different standpoints; one is human when the other one is not; their worlds are not the same, and they don't understand each other at all.
The night is still young as they sink into its darkness. The Tsujinaka family is already asleep; only the croaking frogs linger from the outside. Yoshiki lay on the left of the bed; having thoughts carving in his mind gives him no rest. Neither can 'Hikaru', he looks through the window reveals a starry night sky, having something on his mind he'd like to know.
- "Hey, Yoshiki."
The voice broke the quiet night. Still that energetic voice of his, but more mindful, almost like a whisper.
- "...Yeah?"
Yoshiki replies with that usual whisper-like voice that anyone can barely hear.
- "Can I ask you something, do you mind? You don't have to answer, though, just... listen."
- "...Right."
A pause.
- “Do you... like Hikaru?"
The world seems to freeze. Even the frogs outside seemed to hush. Yoshiki freezes. A simple question that can stretch the night into forever. Something pushes the distance between them even further apart.
- "...Yeah," - Yoshiki whispered after in suspension.
"I do. I do a lot..."
The words slipped out before he could stop it. It's his first time opening up about his feelings, something he has hidden away for his entire life. But he quickly regrets it. He should've just stayed silent, he shouldn't have said anything. How messed up it is to be asked by something in his best friend’s body about his feelings. Only a shame started to grow in his heart, his chest tightened.
'Hikaru' slightly tilted his head, glanced his eyes over Yoshiki. To him, all these human relationships and feelings are way too confusing; he is not even a human to begin with, how does he suppose to understand any of them, he doesn't understand human values either.
Yoshiki lies still, feeling like something was about to burst from his inside; either its his overflowing heart, or his guts. He curled himself tighter, as if his body was the only thing he could hold back.
- "So that's why you've been trying to avoid my eyes lately? Because I'm not your real one?"
Yoshiki gasped. His body trembled, he hadn't looked at 'Hikaru'... because he was terrified; terrified of his feelings, terrified that one day 'Hikaru' would also vanish, leaving him alone again.
- "...No, it's just... I hate myself for wanting my best friend, and for feeling this way. I can't help it, even when it's just his body and his voice you're using even when you're not him..." - He hesitated - still, he answers.
A short silence fell upon them before Hikaru murmured.
- "But, do you really have to hide it? Or you're afraid of him, or even me turning you down?"
- "Yeah, you can say it like that... It's also best if you don't understand my feelings..."
“I just... can't help it at all... This sucks. I don't want to lose you, so that’s why I've been trying my best to brush it off. I shouldn’t have even thought about it... I'm sorry…”
Yoshiki tried to sound cold, but the tear sliding down his cheek betrayed him. He wanted more than just this friendship, yet the fear that his selfishness may crush everything into ash choked him.
- "Then... what about me? Do you like me?"
'Hikaru' asks, but the unreasonably worrying expression on his face caught him. He’s not Yoshiki’s childhood friend but just an unknown entity in his best friend’s body. Who, or what is he even to ask such a question? Why is he even anxious about the answer anyway?
- “...I do, even if it’s just me clinging onto you, or just Hikaru’s body, just because of my stupid desire. I really do…”
“But I can’t keep doing this to you. I shouldn’t drag you into any of this mess. I'm sorry for being this pathetic, please just forget what-“
- “Yoshiki.”
'Hikaru' interrupts him; he knows that Yoshiki is frustrated and lost in his own words, trying his best to hide his heart away again. He doesn't want to see him keep acting like nothing happened, and doesn't understand why it has to be so difficult for him.
- "Can you, please, just look at me once?"
Yoshiki hesitates, his hands clutching the bedsheet; his voice is visibly shivering, yet he murmurs.
- “...Even when I'm in this state of mine?”
- “Yeah, I love everything about you.”
Yoshiki faltered, still slowly turned toward 'Hikaru'. The moonlight gently caught his face, highlighting the tear marks from earlier. He flinched, but still he tried to dodge “Hikaru”s glance; he couldn’t confront his true self behind those mirror-like irises, even disgusted in himself.
“Hikaru” gently put his hand on Yoshiki’s face, wiped those tears off with his thumb. Yoshiki can’t help but blush even more, even has to look at him reluctantly. His gentle smirk makes Yoshiki’s mind all dizzy, but how can he stop his heart from pouting? He stunned; this was what he had longed for. Why is he now trying to cut it off?
- "W-What are you doing, stop it-"
- "Why? Can't I even have a good look at the love of my life?"
'Hikaru' says with his joking yet somehow flirty voice. Yoshiki can't think straight anymore; everything around him feels so surreal, still, he startled. He grabs 'Hikaru's hand and quickly turns his head away, trying to hide his flutters. This is too much; he knows this isn't right, yet his heart can't stop skipping. Whatever he's trying to do won't help him bury his emotions; even he knows it's that obvious all over his face.
- "N-No... you didn't mean it..."
- "But I really did. I love you, Yoshiki."
"But..."
The clock ticking is then the only thing between them. 'Hikaru' hesitated; he didn't understand the complexity of human feelings enough to call this love in anyway.
There's something about the atmosphere between the two; something's tweaking, something twisting, or something breaks. Yoshiki is still trying to figure all of this out, but 'Hikaru' seems he has something on his mind. He holds Yoshiki's hand, yet something bittersweet is on his face.
- "Hey... I know I'm nothing but an intruder, just using your friend's body. I know where we stand after all, but..."
"Do you think... you can give me a chance... to win your heart?"
The silence pressed down on them, suffocating. Yoshiki stared, dazed by the question and 'Hikaru's eyes. What should he do? This felt so wrong. But would he ever hear that from his crush, the so-called best friend, once by fate? Never. Should he cling on to this guilty pleasure? He has no reason to do that.
- "...Huh...?"
[ No, this is diabolical, none of this should have happened, I can't do this... ]
he tried to remind himself, yet it doesn't seem to work for good.
- "I know, I may have nothing similar to your Hikaru at all. But if it's for you, I can do anything."
"I love you, Yoshiki. I really do. This is my own feelings, the monster's feelings."
"I don't understand what these emotions are; they could be romantic, or platonic, whatever. But you know, you're just that important to me, like a home, somewhere I feel like I belong to."
Yoshiki lost in those words, his lips parting but nothing comes out; he doesn't know what to do at all. Is it wrong to accept that? But what if he turned him down? Just like his own fear whether Hikaru would do the same? This 4-corner bedroom small enough for him to hear his own pulse, even louder than the clock. He has nowhere to hide himself from his so-called crush's sudden confession, or, a monster's confession.
[ Hikaru would never say such a thing, but does it really matter if it's not him? ...I really just can't help this throbbing heart of mine it hurts... but should I even... no, I can't.... ]
- a thought lingers in his mind, the helplessly attempt of him tried to control his feelings failed miserably.
His trembling breath is the only reply he can give right now. A tear unconsciously streamed down his chin along with the flutters on his face as his heart is flooded in this never-ending denial.
Yoshiki tries to turn away, he can't let 'Hikaru' see him in this miserable state - yet 'Hikaru' catches him. The two young men under the moonlight trying to figure out their feelings seem so eternal, yet ironically contrasting to Yoshiki's feelings right now; his tears don't stop coming out, just like how his heart is flipping all over. He presses his nails into his palm, hard enough it can bleed at any moment. His panicked breathing caught 'Hikaru', he knows Yoshiki is still in this infinite grief, but he doesn't want him to keep living in suffering either.
"Waaaaait,"
- an echo pierced Yoshiki's ears, something returns to him.
"Don't tell me you're in love with me? Haha—gross!"
The memory cut through him like a shattered mirror - just a joke Hikaru made when he was still alive, but why did it get his heart burning now? Is it because he took those words deep into his heart? Or because he sees himself as something "abnormal", or a monster for carrying all those feelings toward Hikaru? He doesn't have the answer, all he knows is-
Hikaru was the sun, the youth that he could never reach.
And now he's gone, that white-haired boy will never come back.
The flashback is nothing but a knife to him, a reminder that his best friend is gone forever. That boy was so mature and even tactful, he was so strong facing this miserable world with his smile always. Yet 'Hikaru' before him is just that innocence, purity, and way too sincerity. And nothing like the one he used to know.
- "...N-No, I can't let you see me like this..."
"...And my feelings too, you don't deserve any of this burden. I can't do this... I'm sorry..."
Tears can't stop coming out just like how his heart is leaking from the scratches; he has bottled it up so much but the foolishness of him let it all slip. All these teenagers' feelings are off-limits for him. Why does it have to be for a man? And why does it have to be for Hikaru?
- "Yoshiki..."
Yoshiki hides his face by covering it with his hands, he really can't keep brushing it off anymore. He cries desperately, he knows too well what would happen if he confessed it all to Hikaru; even if he accepted those feelings, this village wouldn't, they have already talked enough about his family and then probably also Hikaru? No, he can't let that happen to his friend, or say his crush. He doesn't want him to see his ugly, vulnerable self either, but what can he do?
He can't, or shouldn't have seized and crumpled all those feelings, with all that time, now his heart aches even more. All the words he wanted to say are now too late, torn apart along with that boy for eternity.
- "...I think you're just, amazing... but I'm nowhere near that point... I'm nothing like you..."
"...I have always thought about whether I even deserve your love or worth to you, but every time then I tell myself I'm not at all..."
"...I'm sorry for making all of this so difficult... I've been haunted with that thinking all this time, and I can't get out of it..."
"...It's fine if you hate me for this... just all I ask for is please, forgive me..."
[ Wait, no this isn't right... is it? Did I do something wrong? No, I need to come up with something right now, but what if I upset him even more?... ]
- 'Hikaru' flabbergasted, the fact that Yoshiki is distraught in grief for his friend, even for the feelings he had locked up, seems too heartbreaking for him.
Still, he tries to calm Yoshiki down.
- "Hey, Yoshiki... it's fine if you don't want to give me the answer right now. But you can cling onto me however you like. Don't throw your feelings away and trashing yourself like that, 'kay?"
"I might not be able to replace him, but..."
"I'm always gonna keep you safe."
"If you ever need me, just ask. I'll do whatever you want."
'Hikaru' speaks gently, he caresses Yoshiki's wet-in-tears face. Yet this scratches Yoshiki even more; he knows all this egotism in him is too selfish for 'Hikaru', but not that he can stop it.
- "...Why do you have to this, though..? I just can't help but being stubborn... I can't let you have anything to do with all this mess I made... I'm sorry..."
- "Hey, it's fine, I don't want this beautiful face of yours to always be in a grimace, you know? But you can lean on me if you need to let it all go, I'd love to be your fulcrum."
'Hikaru's gentle voice sounds so soothing, as if it's removing splinters in Yoshiki's clawed heart. His arms open, inviting Yoshiki to dive deep in those. It’s fine if his tears won’t stop for a while tonight, it’s fine even when what he’s clinging to is just his friend’s body.
He jumps into 'Hikaru's chest and holds him tight as he finally finds the way out of this endless-loop nightmare. He knows he shouldn't use 'Hikaru' just for his stingy desire like this, but at least he can get off the feelings his heart has tangled this whole time.
- "...I must be looking very bad right now. It's so embarrassing to let you see this facade of mine... I'm sorry...."
- "Really what are you apologizing for, Yoshiki? I think you look cute!"
- "..D-Don't say that!"
- "But I really do mean it."
'Hikaru' cupped Yoshiki’s face, thumb brushing away the last of his tears. Yoshiki's pulse thundered loud enough, it overpowered the clock ticking. This distance where their forehead nearly touched; he could feel 'Hikaru's breath and the warmth of his body.
Then, softly, without a warning-
A tender kiss.
The world around them froze; only their heartbeat remained in the silence. Yoshiki surprised, with his eyes wide open, his face is now fully flushed. Their hands are holding on to each other's as they were dancing under the moonlight.
For a fleeting instant, it felt like paradise. A moment where their hearts finally consent, only if it would last forever.
Yoshiki was still dazed when 'Hikaru' let go of him, breathless.
- "Hey, how's that? I'm not sure if I'm doing it right, but it's kinda fun! Don't you think?" - 'Hikaru' says as he shows his bright smile to Yoshiki, the moonlight reflects on his back, creating a rim light that hemming him just like an eclipse.
- "...W-What did you just-" Yoshiki stammered.
- "I learnt it from a manga! I saw the couples did it all the time, so I was wondering what it felt like. Well, now I know! I hope you felt good too!"
- "..Y-You!-"
- "Didn't you also just enjoy it? It seems like you did!" - 'Hikaru' said with his jolly voice.
Yoshiki wants to bury the embarrassment that's all over on his face. He hesitates to give 'Hikaru' another hug; he can't keep leaning on 'Hikaru' like this.
Still, he endeavors to do that, a reluctant hug it is.
- "Oh, you can't let go of me? It's fine, though. We should do this more often, don't you think?"
- "But... I don't want to be a burden for you..."
- "What're you talking about? If it's fine with you, then it's fine with me."
"Well, it's getting late, I think we should get to sleep." - Hikaru yawns
- "...Yeah. We should go get to sleep."
Under the blanket they share, two boys are hugging each other, drifting into the midnight dreams of their teenage years. The world is cruel enough for them; as long as they still have each other, it's fine to keep going on and dreaming about the future they may share.
- "Good night, Hikaru."