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It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one.... It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking that there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise.
~ Lemony Snicket, Horseradish.
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The day Alec Lightwood stopped living was the day Magnus died. He stopped talking to anyone, preferring to bury himself in his grief, hidden far from everyone. He did come out for food, or, occasionally, a book, but more often than not he remained locked up in his room. Over the course of the weeks after Magnus' death, he steadily built a cocoon around himself, re-emerging only during training. And hunts.
The once shy shadowhunter, who would rather go on the defense than offence, now led hunts with a new savage recklessness. He unleashed all of his pent up anger during hunts, and did not hesitate to kill even in situations where it could be avoided. He now fought with ferocity, with little to no regard of his life.
For the first few days, Alec found that no matter how hard he tried, the tears wouldn't come. Subconsciously, he still expected Magnus to walk in any second, soothing his worries with gentle kisses, or to wake up and realize that this was just a twisted dream. However, when the tears did come, they just wouldn't stop. And Alec was so damn tired of crying the entire time, but he couldn't do anything. His sleep was plagued by nightmares (not that real life was any better) and talking to Izzy seemed futile (she wouldn't understand).
His siblings watched on helplessly as Alec struggled with his sadness, destroying himself. For weeks, nothing changed until one day, like the flip of a switch, the perpetually heartbroken and streaming eyes were replaced by empty, distant ones.
That day, Jace walked into the institute, heart heavy with the burden of blame. He had been there when Magnus had died. Hell, he was the reason that Magnus was dead. He had been the one Alec had received the news from, been the one to see the newfound light in his parabatai's eyes extinguish. He knew that he was the one Alec blamed for everything.
Now, walking into the institute, Jace started as he saw Alec wearing a path in the carpet of his room. After the incident, Alec had refused to even be in the same room as Jace, much less hear him out. For a second, the brothers stared into each other's eyes, each remembering a relationship long lost, before Jace broke eye contact and the moment was over.
"Jace." Said Alec, voice cracking with lack of use. "Jace." He tried again, voice coming out stronger. "you're here. I - uh- I needed your help with something. If you're not too busy, that is." He said, and for a second he sounded so much like his old self that Jace's heart ached.
"Anything" said Jace
"I-uh- I need you to... to kill me" said Alec, and Jace would have laughed but the sincere determination in Alec's eyes chilled him. The casual way the sentence was uttered was a stark contrast to the seriousness of Alec's expression.
He didn't even know that he had started to protest until Alec cut him off.
"Don't. Please. Don't try to talk me out of this. I've made up my mind. So please. If you feel even slightly remorseful about what you've done, help me."
"Alec, I understand that losing Magnus was hard but-"
"No you don't! You have Clary's arms to crawl into when it all gets too much for you to bear. But what do I do? Losing Magnus was not hard." Said Alec, as of the word had personally offended him.
"Losing Magnus was like losing a piece of myself. It was like losing the reason to be alive. I try, Jace, I really do, but I can't do this anymore. Each second without him is agony. So for the sake of the love we used to share, you have to set me free."
"Do you really want to put Izzy or Maryse through the pain of the death of a loved one again? Think about the consequences! And what about me? Do you-"
"What about you? You should have thought about that while you stood by and let my husband get murdered. Why should I think about you? Did you think about me when all this happened?
"Of coarse you didn't. You're Jace Herondale. The only person you ever really think about is you. You tell me to think about others. Well, I have done that my entire life. I think it's time I did something for myself as well."
"Alec, think this through. Magnus wouldn't want you to do this! He would-"
"Don't you dare take his name. You dont deserve to." Said Alec, eyes blazing.
"Well then, if you really hate me so much, why don't you do it yourself?" Said Jace, cringing at how harsh the words sounded.
"Because I don't trust myself to end it." Said Alec with a grim chuckle. "I need finality, Jace, and I need you to give it to me."
"Alec, please don't do this to me. Please don't make me kill you." Said Jace, hating how his voice cracked and how he sounded like a begging 10 year old.
"I'm sorry Jace... I just have to. I can't do this anymore. Just...... OK, here." Said Alec, pulling a seraph blade from Jace's belt and placing it on his chest.
Jace looked into Alec's eyes, seeing his shattered soul inside, and tried once more. "Alec, please, reconsider-"
"Jace." Said Alec. "I've done that enough already. So go ahead."
Jace took a breath in, lead filling his gut as he realized that there was no other option.
"I'm sorry, Alec. For everything. I love you, no matter what happens. You will always be my Parabtai. Ave atque vale in perpetuum, frater." Said Jace, before he scrunched his eyes shut and pushed.
Everything after that seemed to go on in slow motion. Jace did not need the pain in his Parabtai rune or the blood on his chest to know that the person he loved the most in this world was dead. Killed by him.
Alec started to fall, his eyes closed and a small smile on his lips. His first in weeks. Jace caught Alec, laying him down on the carpet with the tenderness with which one deals with a child.
Looking down at the person who had cared for him his entire life, who had loved him unconditionally, the person he looked up to and loved with his entire heart, Jace was his with the force of the situation. Alec was dead.
Jace let out a strangled sob. "What have I done?" He whispered, before clenching his fingers shut on the seraph blade. Right there, Jace Herondale made up his mind.
***
Here lies Alec Lightwood
September 1989- July 2016.
***
Here lies Jace Herondale
October 1990- July 2016.
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He couldn't live without him, so he followed him.