Work Text:
Jay couldn't remember how he'd ended up in front of his apartment door when his own feet were barely able to complete a step without making him stagger. his mind, foggy as it was, raced for a minute as he wondered if he'd taken all his things with him, but when he found the keys in his right trouser's pocket, it was gone in just as quickly, pushing the door forward after finally managing to center the key and unlock it after some failed attempts.
as he entered, his knees moved like jelly, almost collapsing and banging with his shoulder against the door, helping him with not falling on the ground. steadying himself up he grabbed the handle again, using some of his remaining strength. trying to enter again on his feet and slamming the door shut behind.
removing the blue jacket, he let it fall carelessly down to his sore heels, then throwing his body onto the couch. It wasn't much comfortable, but it was better than the swivel stool he'd been on before.
in that stupid bar full of presumptuous, acidic, and fake-goodwill adults. some fragments of an argument resurfaced in his thoughts, but he didn't try too hard to connect the scenes as soon as he felt the repressed anger returning to him, while getting rid of the horrible tie he had around his neck, busying itself only by strangling him.
unbuttoning his shirt, as best his fingers could coordinate manipulating those tiny buttons, his eyes looked down at his hands, even as his vision doubled and blurred and the back of his head felt like was on a roller coaster. nausea hit him all at once, blocking his hands and rolling his stomach inside out.
a rush of adrenaline helped him get up from the couch, keeping him on his feet better then he could, rushing for the bathroom. his knees met the floor and his stomach followed the path into the toilet, wrapping his limp arms around the seat for stability.
Jay's eyebrows drawn groggily together in disgust at the taste, along with the effect of the alcohol which left him with a terrible headache in both temples.
lazily moving away from the toilet, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, leaning his upper body against the nearby wall behind. he didn't think he had the strength to stand up after vomiting up his entire dinner.. his whole body felt too heavy, and the room seemed to float around him.
the bathroom light was off, the only source being the living room's light. but the darkness was comforting after hours of flickering and intermittent lights against his face, it felt like a deep breath of fresh air even for his ears.
his throat burned, not quite understanding the difference between the whisky's heat and the regurgitation at the moment. resting the nape of the neck against the wall, he glanced up at what little he could see of the white ceiling.
his heart was racing and he could hear it right in his eardrums, thundering his thoughts.
Jay wondered why and how he had ended up touching even a drop of alcohol. he had never been inspired by the smell alone since he was a kid, refusing when his dad had offered to taste just a bit of his wine to know what it tasted like, turning up his nose in disgust as he brought the glass to his nostrils. he had never been intrigued by it, wondering how the people he saw staggering on the street could down glass after glass of such a smelly beverage.
but maybe now he understood why they were able to drink it, and it wasn't for the real taste. it was more a search for refuge from what life was throwing at you. Jay knew some people drank for the pleasure or even just when hanging out with friends, but he was one of those who got screwed, burned but never took the hand off from that dangerous fire. It was a way to forget, and for Jay, it had worked.
on his worst nights, drinking had helped him forget about his situation, his family, Cole.
Zane.
Nya.
and about his stupid role as host of an equally stupid show that everyone watched just for the fun of someone else getting hurt over stupid games, or because he was the "retired blue ninja" directing the episodes with his awful rehearsed jokes and questionable uniform. he'll never forget the embarrassment of having taken professional photos with it on.
Jay wondered how many people, besides himself, thought about how foolish he'd made himself, surely thinking about how much he'd gotten his head caught up in fame, but fame wasn't really what he wanted. all he wanted was what he already had... he wanted his life back before he understood what it was like to be a teacher with kids, what it was like to understand going through a breakup, being cheated on, a disappointment from the one he thought would been a friend for the rest of his life.. before he took a different path from them all, distancing himself from his brothers. and also understanding what grief was like, knowing how the loss of someone important felt, someone who sacrificed their life for so many others, beyond his own.
and the one of the love of his life.
or so he had begun to believe.
but he couldn't spit on the plate he ate from— even if he never would, but he will always see her as the guilty for the strongest feelings he had ever felt. as soon as he began to know her, dream of her eyes and memorize her every spontaneous movement. Jay could almost swear that she would be by his side for the rest of his days.
perhaps it was exactly the obvious that had brought him to these days, to this job and to this silent apartment, sitting on the cold bathroom floor crying over himself, recovering from the alcohol that as a kid was sure he would never have touched.
and now he was here, with his throbbing head, heavy eyelids, body weight as a boulder and Nya, like a mosquito, constantly buzzing around his head. and it was also annoying as a mosquito that she was always on his mind, popping up when a song seemed to be written for her, a specific perfume that reminded him of hers or a girl with the same haircut who happened to be in the crowd, among the thousands and more seats for the physical spectators behind the cameras, making him lose the confidence in his voice when he couldn't see the person's face, but only the haircut; dark, short and perfectly messy.
but she was never annoying to him, not to his heart.
his eyes drifted down, feeling how the effort in looking down at his knees felt like they were popping out of his eyelids.
he had to stop thinking about her. It was over now, there was no way back, no glimmer of hope, nothing more than resignation to accept. she wouldn't even be happy knowing that he was still thinking entirely about her, as if it were a normal input like breathing or blinking.
Jay was tired, he wanted this situation to end as soon as possible. for her to maybe change her mind, understand and open her arms completely to him again, to feel her heartbeat accelerate at his touch, to feel her welcoming warmth and her voice.
her voice was so calm when it was just him and her alone and her eyes didn't look at him with such remorse and disinterest.
contempt. which was also in the last look they exchanged when he left. he would never have believed that her eyes could show this kind of emotion, especially for him.
but he had been shown the opposite, that she was more than capable of it, showing the many questions of how she had ended up with someone like him from just one glance. and perhaps it had been really a bad luck that he was starting to read her like an open book.
something deeper was growing between them, something only talked about in movies, like that love that not even death could separate, that would be found again in their next lives, but maybe it was just him. In the end Jay knew he was just a hopeless romantic. or a fool.
a fool for not understanding what she really wanted, for not really noticing how Nya was moving further and further away from him and his touch, how her thoughts were going to someone else and foolish for not realizing that it was his best friend.
how stupid.. he was so blinded by his perfect future with her all this time that he didn't realize something was broken, and it was his fault.
how would it have gone if he had respected her boundaries when asked, if he hadn't decided to ignore the glances between her and Cole, if he had understood that Nya wasn't happy with him, wasn't herself anymore, wasn't satisfied. Jay was the problem.
he was the main problem, the problem to her happiness and the problem between his girlfriend and his best friend.
Jay wasn't aware of his surroundings until something next to him fell to the floor, emerging back from his thoughts and making him turn around. his thoughts were so loud that his head hadn't noticed he had gotten up and moved from the bathroom's floor, realizing it only when he saw the fallen pen, then looked around. but he decided to ignore the object and moved his gaze to his hands, feeling a cold material against his touch and recognizing the open bottle and the open fridge in front of him.
he blinked once, twice, and a third time, wondering how he hadn't noticed he'd moved without his own will, but then let go once he realized the bottle was already in his grip, ready to drink his troubles away again.
how could he refuse?
it was really the one and only remedy to not think about the face of the man he considered the brother he never had, or the terrible memory of her contempt for him and his presence.
as the disgusting taste ran hot down the throat, he thought that there could be a possibility she was relieved he was gone, that they were all relieved. he knew that by now the difference of him no longer being there had been accepted, for the better.
on the one hand, he was glad that he might have made her feel better when he left, when he chose to take the job and move entirely alone somewhere else in the city. but he also wondered if she had ever flipped from channel to channel on a boring day and stopped at the channel where his show was playing, rolling her eyes and switching again, or if she had even seen him at all and just continued on with the search for something interesting to entertain herself.
what if she'd seen an episode? what would she have thought? maybe how stupid he was for having ended up like this, perhaps noticing the dark circles under his eyes despite the concealer, which he also used to hide his ugly freckles, or how uncomfortable he felt in that same brightly colored, eye-stinging suit he wore in every take, and even now. or what was left of it, not even glancing at the jacket he abandoned on the ground, as the tie or the open shirt he still had on, and the trousers that fit too perfectly, that it tightened around his waist when he sat down.
and, remembering it, he unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants before sitting on the swivel chair of the small kitchen island, mentally sighing in relief when he didn't feel the pressure on his stomach from the belt. drinking directly from the bottle, he took his phone out of his pocket at the same time, selflessly leaving it on the tabletop.
he wasn't even surprised or disappointed anymore when the lock screen turned on by itself, finding no notification of any kind from anyone, except for some useless news from some social or an event he had saved in the calendar so as not to forget it. by now it had become a habit that no one searched for him, and at first it hurt—so much, that they hadn't even thought about him for a second and sent a single message asking how he was or what he was doing. but then again, he hadn't done that with anyone else either.
Jay should have expected it, really. it was written in the steps he was taking, in the choices and the consequences of his actions. everyone would lose the patience and stop caring, he couldn't blame anyone and so he continued to shallow.
It seemed unreal, but the alcohol was the only way to not think about it too much, to not put much weight on things and let go, because if he hadn't let everything go he would probably be crazy by now.. or he would have started drinking anyway.
It wasn't a good habit, he knew it well, and even though his dad would drank moderately and not even every day except for an important occasions, he had never been taught that alcohol was good for him, on the contrary.
but that's how addictions work, you realize you're doing a wrong thing, but you continue anyway because you know you shouldn't. and then the unstoppable need comes out. Jay never had the courage to look at himself in the mirror for more than ten seconds again from weeks, except to make sure he was presentable in front of the cameras, in front of the world's eyes on him.
the pressure was so overwhelming, strong that the only comfort had become numbing himself, gulping down, feeling the heat in his throat, finishing the glass and refilling it until the bottle spilled the last drop. Jay was disgusted with what he was doing, but he couldn't help it; he knew he was hurting the same person he had been few months ago, but he couldn't care less.
not when his head couldn't think of a single thing for more than a minute, couldn't focus, when it was always her in his head again and again.
her.
Nya.
not when his head couldn't think of a single thing for more than a minute, couldn't focus, when it was always her in his head again and again.
the headache was subsiding, but it was still there while the bottle was between his lips, soaking his breath—the poisoned liquid no longer had even the slightest taste. and without warning his phone started ringing.
Jay rested the elbow of his previously occupied arm by the bottle, and glanced sullenly at the screen, which was too bright for his liking. he squinted and rubbed his eyelids with his fingers trying to make out what was written on it, but when his eyes reopened, they fully widened and his face lost colors.
his heart was trying to come straight out of his chest, with nausea hitting him as a slap as he read the contact.
Nya
Nya was calling him, for some reason, and his body went motionless, frozen, looking at his phone screen as if someone had died in front of him... well, he felt like he's heart stopped beating when he read her name.
not a single finger dared to move, approach the phone, or accept the call. all courage vanished in a blink just as his phone stopped ringing that annoying ringtone to his ears.
Nya
missed call
It was the only new notification that had now appeared on his screen, under the time that said it was late to be still awake.
why did she call him? at 3 in the morning then?
what could it be... why should she call him? and above all, didn't she hate his guts?
maybe she called him by mistake during sleeping, and by some coincidence, her fingers unlocked her phone and called his number.
...strange.
he was confused, worried and angry.
what could possibly be the reason why she might have called him? maybe an emergency? but he wasn't a ninja anymore.. whatever it was they could do it alone, he know they would take care of it perfectly fine even without him.
but what if it was something worse? and if something really happened and his help was needed? or someone wasn't feeling well, or maybe they were injured for some reason, and she called the first person she could find.
the first one that happened.
she probably didn't think to call me for something casual.. Jay was sure she carelessly clicked his contact.
she definitely didn't even think about it. of me.
the only one who had thought of him was Lloyd, who had shown up in his dressing room at work, even though his presence was no longer accepted as it once was. and Jay was the one to blame for that; he couldn't help it but feel annoyed.
he had nothing against him, really, he still loved him like a little brother, also with Kai (and Zane) but his irritability was much easier to trigger now.
and then in a second he remembered the call again, when a new notification lit up his screen. Jay looked immediately thinking it might be her, but when he saw it was just someone who'd mentioned him on a social, his upper molars pressed against the others, flexing his jaw muscles and making his blood boil.
or making him feel disappointed, realizing he'd been right with the theory that she called without minding. before he could think about not doing it, he'd pushed the phone away in a hasty motion with the side of his palm, sending it flying away from the table and somewhere on the floor, which Jay didn't bother to look at.
the glass's lips of the tequila was once again in his, shallowing down and down until he reached the limit, when he would vomit it all like every time.
his mind raced with thoughts he imagined as her own, to how she would react the next morning when she realized she'd called him unintentionally, without knowing it. maybe by laughing it off or taking the opportunity to delete the contact, so that she'd definitely would have nothing more to do with him.
who would want the problem to have a way to search you? to annoy you further? I would do it.
but not with her.
she's— was different.
from everyone else, she was different, and especially with him. it wasn't bad at all how she behaved differently with him.. it was beautiful, reassuring and it made him feel that sense of importance, as if he could make her feel lighter, sweeter, more natural and not judged just by his presence. but it had changed.
it all changed.
now that good difference was gone, and his eyes begged for the tears he never wanted her to know he'd shed. not letting her know he'd suffered because of her— no. because of her choices.
there were so many questions he was wondering right now, but the tree that fed the roots was: if Cole had never been an option? he and Nya would still be together by now? if he had been more present and asked about them? asked if everything was okay between them, even though it would have hurt too much to receive a negative response.. but in the end their relationship did not escape, destroying itself with their choices
he couldn't even really blame her. how could Nya, a extraordinary person, accept someone like him? when his best friend was a better option? when Cole was taller than him, more muscular than him, kinder than him, better at talking than him, more caring and interesting than him, so- so much better than me.
but in his mind, the blame fell solely on Cole. Jay couldn't believe he could stab him on the back like this. flirting with his girlfriend, even knowing how important Nya was becoming for him.. he couldn't forgive his actions when Cole knew how things were going between the two of them and he just decided to go on.
and she was undecided.
she didn't know who to choose.
she didn't know what was best for her.
his palm pressed against his lips, leaving red lines on his cheeks, hiding the sobs from himself. Jay didn't want to hear the hiccups escape him, even though he didn't have to hear it to understand it. but he couldn't stand it anymore, he was tired of the hot tears and the trembling lower lip and even of his sore face and throat, always searching for a distraction that would make him stop being a crybaby.
and it was always the same boat. drinking, again and again, again, again.
but this time a new boat added itself, with a knocking from behind the front door that made him flinch, unnerving him.
maybe an hour or two had passed as he was back home, but was it possible that it was already morning and that someone had come to call him for recording? remembering his thrown phone, he couldn't even check the time, choosing to just ignore the sound.
but they knocked again.
he stared into the space foward him for few seconds, waiting, then focused as hard as he could his eardrums when he started to hear a thin voice.
"Jay? I'm Nya.. you there?"
what. the. actual. fuck.
Jay almost broke his neck as he harshly turned to the door with panicked wide eyes, not believing for a second that it could really be her. that it wasn't just his drunken mind playing a dirty game.
and his voice went out.
"Nya?"
what was she doing outside his appointment!?
"yeah.. can you open?”
his eyes darted frantically around the living room, wondering if he should open the door or not do it for his sake. and if she would just leave as he was thinking to long about it?
Jay rose quickly from the high chair, suddenly terrified by the thought that she might leave, scraping back its foot in an ear-splitting sound and holding himself as straight as possible to open.
his hand was inches from the doorknob, seconds away from her seeing his less-than-sober state, and then the memory of the glass bottle out for her to see, the clothes on the ground and the unbuttoned shirt made him snap to a stop
"wait! give me a sec-" Jay said, before rushing to his mission, hiding the crime scene back in the fridge before running again, then grabbing the blue and fuchsia jacket and tie off the floor. dashing into the small bedroom of his he throw them on top of the unmade bed, anxiously changing off his loose shirt with the random t-shirt he had chosen the night before as a pajamas, going back at the door while trying to put it on.
brushing a hand through his hair, he hoped to improve his appearance without even looking at it, wishing she wouldn't notice his red puffy eyes, his sloppy state or how he looked like a dead man on his feet. pushing down the handle, he sighed, taking a deep breath back.
It really was her, he wasn't dreaming all this. his heart skipped a beat as he saw the look on her face that he wasn't quite sure how to decipher anymore.
the two maintained eye contact in silence, before Nya then decided speak up, making his eyes detach from hers.
"sorry, I know it's late.. I tried calling you before showing up here but-.. you didn't answer"
Jay inadvertently looked inside, searching for his phone without success. It had probably ended up behind some furniture with a broken glass.
"um.. huh, really? I probably have the ringer off.." liar. maybe that's why you're no longer good for her.
Nya remained still on her feet, searching something into his eyes, but he was unable to maintain contact, feeling uncomfortable and started to switch between her and the walls behind her back.
"well.. is everything okay? I find you a little weirder than usual" Nya observed him, hiding real concern behind a joke and a forced small grin.
keep your gaze straight. don't look at her lips.
"yeah, all good.." he tried to sound like the normal self she knew "what are you doing here?" but Jay couldn't help not showing his confusion.
“can I come in?” Nya asked, stretching her dimples in a polite smile and ignoring his question, answering with another question.
he was uncertain, he didn't think it was a good idea to let her in, but maybe inside she would explain to him why she had come all the way here, to his apartment.
Jay gave a small nod, moving over and opening the door wider for her. Nya looked around, seeing the living room for the first time.
"nice place!"
Jay closed the door behind, standing foward it, only able to see her back and hoping she wouldn't notice something he didn't.
"um, you can sit down if you want" he pointed to the couch with his hand outstretched, then slapped it awkwardly back against the fabric of his trousers.
“Isn't it too big in here for just you?” Nya asked curiously, sitting on the indicated couch and trying to start a conversation, but the discomfort was quite palpable.
"nah.. I'm fine on my own actually" Jay replied, begging his mouth to not slurs his words too much along the way- well he had already some problems to talk without blabbing when overwhelmed so.. "would you like some water?"
maybe some water will sober me up a bit..
"sure, thanks"
turning around, and making sure she couldn't see his face, he squeezed his eyes shut, trying his hardest to compose himself, but also cursing himself a little bit. Jay had no idea what he would do if she found out his bad habit, knowing that within some hours everyone else would know too. he couldn't allow himself to lose Wu's respect by his own hands, to allow himself to disappoint his parents.
taking two cup, he turned on the tap with fresh water, filling them both then turning back, holding her cup out, straightly as possible. Nya thanked him again, taking a sip.
Jay sat down next to her, keeping the distance in mind and holding back a snort that could have started an argument. moving the glass to his lips, he almost drinked the water in one gulp, then remembered that he should remain calm and not let the anxiety take over, taking long sips anyway as if he hadn't touched water for a week.
"oh! I happened to watch an episode of that show you host- that I absolutely don't remember the name of it but... you're really good at entertaining, you know?" she said, lowering and holding the cup between her hands, above her thighs.
"most ultimate extreme ninja challenge ever" Jay reminded, still wondering why it had such a long title. contempt evident in his lowered eyebrows "ugh- thanks, the only thing I do at the end is repeat to the cameras what the participant is doing and say a few pre-written lines as per script"
Jay looked down at his hands and Nya followed his gaze, searching for some words.
"well, I think it still takes some effort, no?"
"yeah, i guess so.."
and silence soon fell after. from outside the windows not even a sound dared to be heard, letting the nothingness envelope the air with pure unease.
but Jay still wanted to know why she was here.
"will you tell me why you called me and then showed up outside my door?" perhaps he hadn't thought carefully beforehand about how to ask more kindly, without making it seem like her presence wasn't welcome, but it was the only way the question got out of his mouth.
Nya sighed resting her cup down the small coffee, straightening her shoulders in sync with the air she got out her lungs, rubbing her hands against her thighs. her mouth opened and closed like a fish, trying to respond without embarrassing herself.
"I wanted to know how you were, Jay.. you refused Lloyd's request and I got worried.. I thought it was strange that you didn't want to come back with us"
and this time, he was the one to let out the extra air, starting to feel his nerves heating up.
"I'm fine, but I think I've made it pretty clear to Lloyd: I don't want to come back and I won't." FSM, I need a drink..
"If this not wanting to come back is because of Cole and all the bullshit, stop it. I have no intention to choose one of you two, much less getting together with you again, but you can't be selfish towards the team."
"I get it, don't worry." his tone had gone cold, acid and he didn't want to met her eyes, glancing the floor or his feet.
Nya, however, continued to seek his gaze, annoyed by the way he was short-answering her.
"then why don't you come back? I'm not asking you this for me, but the team need you, Jay. we need everyone again."
"without Zane the team no longer exists."
"do you think Zane wanted this? for everyone to go their separate ways after his sacrifice? for us to drift apart like this? you think that's why he gave his life for?"
the tension was high, suffocating, as his eyes burned once again. it was obvious to him that Zane didn't want this to happen, quite the opposite, but it wouldn't be better to go back with the others for his health right now. with Cole. with her.
"no, of course not" he couldn't say anything else, apart from the fact that it still hurt him talking about their lost brother, it was all still to fresh. while Nya was about to consider leaving instead.
analyzing him, she noticed his eyes, how they weren't really focused on anything specific but remained fixed numbly in one spot, like he was forgetting his surroundings, almost as if he hadn't touched a bed in three days. and then her blood ran cold as soon as she recognized the pervasive scent on him. Nya had been racking her brains ever since she was inside his apartment, but now, as if someone had suggested the question right in her ear, she'd figured out what he might be doing all by himself.
"have you been drinking?" she hoped until the last moment his ears would register her words and that he'll immediately deny it, asking if she was drunk instead and start joking about it, but when Jay looked up in front of him, seeing his eyes go wider, she hardly refrained herself from yelling at him.
"no! Nya- you know I hate that shi-"
"It's not what your breath says!"
Nya stood up, looking at the fridge and walking towards it. Jay remained still on the couch, knowing he was now truly fucked up.. there was no point in even trying to stop her anymore. she opened the fridge, almost breaking the door and immediately finding bottles inside.
turning her head back to him, she closed it with a slam, heavy footsteps walking in front of Jay, facing him without sitting down this time.
"why is all that alcohol in there?" Jay didn't dare to met her eyes.
"look at me, Jay. look me in the face and answer"
Jay stood up from the couch, walking towards the door, stopping with his fingers inches away from the handle "I think it's time for you to come back, it's late"
and from how Jay tried to avoid her questions, Nya immediately knew the worst was happening, knowing that they weren't there because of a party he threw or something casual. It was for a much more destructive reason, one that the adult world had created for him to find out.
"no, answer me first. how long?"
he didn't know what to say, also because if he had tried, not a single syllable would have come out of his vocal cords, he was in embarrassment.
Nya approached him, pointing her nose a short distance from his, with no compassion in her gaze. there was only disappointment, again.
"fo.. for a while"
"why!?"
Jay didn't respond.
"why you're doing this to yourself? you think all that will make you feel better?" she pointed towards the fridge without breaking the contact "really!?"
"It's none of your business"
"i don't care if it this or not! you're just hurting yourself, don't you get it?!"
"It doesn't matter"
"yes! it does, Jay! your health is important too! that's why I'm asking you to come back with us, damn it!" Nya took some steps back, circling the space they were in.
he would surely regret it as soon as the words came out of his mouth, but his nerves didn't quite cooperate when he was drunk.
"don't act like you care now, I don't need this"
and he immediately saw her dark gaze, troubled expression on her face.
"what's wrong with you!? of course I care!"
"that's not what you showed me when I left, you don't need to pretend it now that you out of nowhere discovered I'm drunk!"
"oh my- stop it! don't hide the main problem by playing the main victim! why can't you get it into your damn head that I'm asking you to come back with us for your own good!?
"cause it's not going to make me feel better if I no longer feel like at home there! I don't want to live another second with that back-stabber bastard or see your fucking heart-shaped eyes for him! I can't fucking stand it!"
Nya looked around, incredulous at his words. her eyes subconsciously searching for something she could throw at him to get his more reasonable self back again, make him understand how foolish he was being.
his chest keept going up and down, adverting his anger was taking place, and he knew that if he didn't stop now, they might continue yelling at each other until a neighbor knocked at his door about the noise they were making while everyone else was asleep, or before he could say anything else that could hurt her and make her leave him for good.
"I don't like how this conversation is going, I think it's best if you leav-" he tried, but his voice only fueled her anger even more.
"see? that's why, damn it! you'd rather run away and ignore the problem than solve it! this is one of the reasons why we broken up but you're so stubborn that you can't see it!"
and so she left him speechless, drowning his anger with a sense of emptiness.
"I don't see what this has to do with anything now.."
"I'm telling you that I'm worried about you, about your health and you're throwing me out of your house! you get that if you continue to behave like this you risk people not coming back to you!?"
Jay's heart was pounding, his fists were clenched and tears were threatening to come out at any moment.
"then don't come back- don't bother even... I don't need your help" and from that moment on, his gaze never connected to hers again.
Nya kept her eyes on him instead, not unraveling her eyebrows from the frown. she rolled her eyes, letting go.
"okay, you win, happy? I'm out! It's officially your own business now"
not daring to watch at anything other than his own hand holding the handle tightly, he didn't want to update her face on his mind any more, that keeped him up at night, with the new, worse expression she was probably giving him.
"if you'll change your mind, good. but we won't wait for you forever, remember that you always have to give to also receive"
and a second after Nya walked past the apartment, Jay slammed the door brutally that he felt the wall around it shake, with tears automatically falling from his cheeks afterward.
targeting the chair he had been sitting on before all this, he abruptly moved it out of his way, crashing into the table and landing on the floor when it couldn't find its balance.
rushing in, he opened the fridge, grabbing the same bottle as before, downing what was left in one gulp.
Jay was furious. furious at how things had gone with her, at how the conversation had seemed almost normal at the beginning and then ended like shit. how it had made the situation even worse between them. furious at the words she'd said to him and vice-versa, without considering the weight they might have with all the ferocity and anger they had toward each other.
the bottle was empty, shattered against the floor, leaving traces of its glass everywhere, which he would never be able to get rid of completely, but he didn't care, especially when his stomach needed the toilet again, pulling like a magnet.
his night would never end, with her words keeping him awake at night, his stomach going up and down, the thousand questions wondering if her words were true, if she really meant them and if no one would be really waiting for him.
no one needed him, it wasn't even worth trying anymore.
he hated how things had turned out, but he was tired of lying to himself, of thinking that anyone still cared about him, that Nya had actually come to see how he was doing or just to break him more apart.
he was sorry for everything, but he was so tired.
and the alcohol was the only thing that didn't treat him this way, that didn't betray him, didn't say cruel words to him, didn't mock him and didn't disappoint him.
It was the only sure, reliable source, the only glimmer of hope for him to survive that night. even if that hope for a better day, for a better life, was diminishing immeasurably.