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The rain hit the window violently due to the force of the wind. Bucky couldn't remember how long he had been staring at the knife in his hand. The blade was sharp enough to cut if he pressed the cold metal to his skin ever so gently. He didn't know what time it was, when he last ate, or how many hours he had slept.
Bucky, at times, couldn't hear the rain as it was drowned out by a ringing in his ears. He wanted to get up, but his desire wasn't enough to overcome his emptiness.
He was too empty to get off the floor, even though he wanted to.
Bucky toyed with the blade, his finger slowly caressing the side, not yet touching the sharp ends. He didn't know what to do with it; he couldn't get rid of it because what if he needed it, needed the knife for something important, something really important to him.
… to him.
Bucky flinched violently and jumped from the floor to use the knife to defend himself when the door was thrown onto the floor beside him, completely off its hinges. It wasn't until the scent of vanilla hit his nose that he paused.
Sam appeared from the doorway, chest heaving, drenched from head to toe from the rain. "What the hell, Buck?" He took in a deep breath before walking into the apartment and pulling Bucky into a hug. Bucky hesitated for a moment before releasing the tension in his shoulders to hug Sam back loosely. He didn't care if Sam was wet from the rain; the comforting scent was too good to let go. They didn't hug often; it wasn't like Sam visited the apartment after the whole Flag Smashers debacle.
After a few moments, Sam pulled away, but he snatched his hand back when his arm fell close to the knife still in Bucky's hand. He looked between the knife and Bucky carefully.
"It's not- I wasn't doing anything." Bucky stuttered as he avoided Sam's eyes. Nothing happened, but it wasn't like he wasn't thinking about it… everyday.
"James," Sam whispered with a face that made Bucky want to buckle from the soft and knowing look.
"I promised you… I promised you I would stop."
"No, you promised me that you would try to stop."
Bucky looked down at the knife in his hand, his real hand, before throwing the knife far from him without looking at where it landed.
"Come home with me."
"Huh?"
"Come. Home. With. Me." Sam said clearly, which earned him a glare from Bucky. "Come on, Barnes. It'll be fun, the kids are off from school, and Sarah isn't as busy as she usually is."
Bucky thought about going back to Delacroix with Sam to see his family. Cass and AJ would want to train with him and Sam, Sarah would annoy him and Sam about picking up after themselves, and Bucky would help fix any minor issues with the boat. Bucky flinched out of his thoughts when Sam tapped his shoulder lightly.
"Your cyborg brain okay up there? I thought you fell asleep with your eyes open, since you looked like you were staring into my soul."
Bucky cleared his throat while nodding that he was all good. "I'll uh, I'll go with you."
Sam's smile widened, "Come on, man, we'll have fun." He wrapped his arm around Bucky's shoulders to lead him through the doorway.
"My door?"
"I'll call someone to fix it, don't worry."
"... Your clothes?"
"Shhhh, don't worry about that right now."
"Race ya?"
"No, Samuel."
"Come on, you know you want to."
Bucky sighed as they walked down the path to the house. Sam wanted to walk so they could enjoy the scenery of nature.
"One… Two…"
"Sam, don't-"
"Three!"
Sam started running ahead as fast as he could. Bucky knew he could beat Sam instantly because of the serum, but he ignored anything about winning as he started chasing after Sam. The sound of Sam laughing filled the air as Bucky quickly caught up to Sam. As he got closer, he realized that two heatbeats were coming up on his left.
Cass and AJ.
He heard their muffled laughter and the sounds of their excited heartbeats. Bucky knew the game now. He sprinted past Sam, glancing at him to see the satisfied smirk on his face. He continued to rush down the path and slowed down slightly until Cass and AJ jumped from their hiding spot to jump Bucky.
Bucky easily dodged Cass, trying to grab his legs, and AJ, trying to grab his shirt. He chuckled as he saw Sam sprinting up behind him, before Sam pulled him to the ground. He groaned when Cass and AJ came up to lie on top of him. Bucky looked at the sky for a moment to take in the laughter of the boys and the joy around him. He looked over at Sam next to him, who was smiling.
That smile that he missed so much whenever they were a part, no matter how angry Bucky would get at Sam, seeing that smile filled his chest with a warmth he thought that HYDRA had gotten rid of permanently. The way he felt safe and loved through one smile was enough to convince him that there was no one like Sam, who could still smile so brightly after bickering, fighting, near-death moments, and arguing over small things. Bucky promised he would try, but moments like this were enough to scare away any thoughts he had of the knife earlier.
God, he loved that smile.
Bucky didn't know how long they stared at each other smiling until he heard Sarah talking.
"I remember weeds being out here, but not two grown men."
Bucky chuckled as Cass and AJ whined about not wanting to get off of him when Sarah gave them a look that spoke more than words.
"Let's go, boys. Uncle Winter Soldier has to get off the grass before he turns into an ancient tree with how old he is."
Cass and AJ groaned in annoyance before getting off. Sam chuckled as he helped Bucky get off the ground. "I'm not that old, Sam."
"… Don't give me that look."
Bucky couldn't sleep; he felt like he was losing his mind. Everything was going well. Bucky helped Sarah with cooking, he trained with Sam, picked up after the boys, and still, after everything good he did, the tingle in the back of his neck and the cold shock down her back returned to haunt him.
He stomped over to the boat to get some air and to be away from everyone, to avoid snapping if someone got close.
Bucky felt a small heat in his hands, the urge to play with the knife that he didn't have anymore, and his teeth hurt slightly from how hard he clenched his jaw and ground his teeth in a pattern from trying to find some way to ignore the urge, to ignore the want, to ignore the thoughts that were threatening to consume his mind if he listened to much.
"Buck?"
Bucky let out a choked breath when he heard Sam's voice. He didn't hear him walk on the boat or smell his scent; he was losing himself harder than before.
"That doesn't go there."
"What?"
"That doesn't go there," Sam repeated as he pointed at the thin jacket Bucky took off. He didn't even realize he had taken it off and set it down next to him.
"Well, where is it supposed to go, Captain Samuel?" Bucky grimaced at how harsh his tone was to Sam.
"Don't call me that."
"What am I supposed to call you then, papi chulo?"
Bucky groaned as he rested his elbows on his knees to rub his face. "I don't get it, Sam."
Sam sat across from Bucky as he waited patiently for Bucky to continue. His quiet presence and scent of vanilla eased Bucky's nerves slightly.
"I can't deal with these fucking urges. I did well today, and then out of nowhere, it just pops up. I can't- I can't keep doing this for the rest of my life, I'll go insane." Bucky wanted his knife; he wanted it more than the air he breathed, but he couldn't say that to Sam. As much as he loved that smile and good-looking face, he couldn't bear to see the pity on his face.
Sam nodded silently and took a moment before speaking. "You won't go insane because I'll be right with you every step of the way. James, I wouldn't let you go through it alone. You mean everything to me, but when I told you to promise me to try, that meant telling me whenever something is wrong. I can't read your mind, Buck. I need you to tell me something, anything, before shit hits the fan."
"I'm so tired, Sam." Bucky decided to say, instead of giving too much detail about his thoughts, that from Sam's face, he understood what Bucky was talking about. He wished it were simple, to get rid of the urges with the snap of his fingers, maybe not with a snap, but to eliminate them overnight. To go on with his day without a moment of urges. Bucky thought about what it would be like to not have his urges; he could do anything he wanted with nothing holding him back from changing himself from who he was as the Winter Soldier.
"I love you,"
Bucky says, before he can process what he said. He said he loved Sam in the past, and Sam responded the same, but this time, it felt different, more emotional.
"I love you so much… that I hate myself for putting you through this." The words were filled with regret and sorrow as tears spilled from Bucky's eyes. Once he started crying, he never knew how to stop it. Bucky felt Sam pull him up to his feet and allowed Sam to guide him into a tight hug.
They stood on the boat, hugging as the sun dipped low, casting a golden light. Nothing mattered as much as Sam holding him, the way Sam gently carded his hands in Bucky's hair as Sam rubbed his back, while Bucky just held him tightly, but not too tightly, like he was afraid that letting go meant that Sam would disappear.
Sam pulled back and cupped Bucky's face, his thumb wiping the tears away, his smile being brighter than the sun. "My parents had problems before they got married, but they still loved each other and stayed together long enough to get married, have two kids, a boat, and a business. I'm staying by your side and I'm helping you through it, no matter how long it takes." Sam declared while holding eye contact with Bucky, with Sam's usual, dead serious face.
"This is your way of proposing?"
"Nice, huh? I thought a love confession would be better than a ring, unless you're going to let me borrow 20 dollars to get you a ring pop."
Bucky snorts as he leans his forehead against Sam's. The urges died down for now, but he knew that Sam would help him, given how serious Sam was. He would get better eventually, he promised Sam he would try, and he would let Sam know whenever the urges came up because Sam would help him through it. Sam was his everything.
"I actually wouldn't mind a ring pop right now."
Sam pulled Bucky into a kiss after those words. The kiss was playful, with small nips and laughter from both of them at the ridiculousness of wanting a ring pop, but it was their moment with each other, the comfort of knowing they would have each other through the best and worst moments.
"Mom! Uncle Sam and Uncle Bucky are kissing on the boat again!"