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Thorin stared out at the inky black sky in front of him, there were still some windows shining out in the dark but the night had well and truly fallen though there were no stars to be had even as dark as it was, the clouds from the day still lingering and blocking them from sight.
Thorin could feel the bite of on-coming winter in the air, the stench of fish as the sound of water lapping at wooden decks reached his ears. Anticipation and dread rolled in his stomach as he gazed out past the lake, Erebor looming in the distance and he did his best to stay still despite the anxiety that fizzled in his veins, making him feel like a hounded beast
He should feel excited surely? This close to a goal he had long cast off as achievable.
But it had started to form as they stepped into this shabby, rundown town, and only grew as the hours dragged on. Even with the Master’s invitation to celebrate Thorin had pulled himself away and retreated to this small balcony. For quiet, for time to consider everything that needed to be done, that he had done thus far.
His home was in his grasp, just a few hours more and they would begin the final trek of their journey.
Thorin let out a breath, it fogged out in front of him in a small cloud and he tried not to consider the beast that dwelled inside the mountain, the beast that might be dead, the beast that might not be and how they would be sending the smallest member of their Company to greet it. He felt his face pull at that, shoved the thought away as his hands gripped that bit harder at the wood.
It wouldn’t do to dwell, not at the moment, not when none of them knew Smaug’s fate.
He was close to regaining his families legacy and that was what he would focus on.
A noise sounded behind him and Thorin stiffened before the quiet cough let him know who it was, though why their Burglar had come outside into the cold was beyond Thorin.
“Master Baggins.” He said without turning around, letting the Hobbit walk up to settle next to him at the railing, not close enough to touch but close enough to feel the warmth of his body and Thorin clenched his teeth in order to keep himself still.
They hadn’t touched much since Thorin had pulled Bilbo into his arms all those weeks ago, but it hadn’t left his mind since, as much of a siren’s song as Erebor was in the back of his mind daring him to do it again, to see if he could perhaps encourage other things from their Hobbit.
“It seems a shame to be brooding out here when it’s warm inside and there’s plenty of food.” Thorin smiled a little, at this point amused and endeared by their Burglar’s simple needs.
“I do not brood.” He replied, though without much heat, if Bilbo was offering his attention then Thorin would allow it for as long as the Hobbit wanted.
“Oh you do, but you somehow manage to make it work.” Bilbo said with a chuckle. “It’s rather irritating honestly.” He added without malice and Thorin turned his head to look at him, his breath catching for a moment at the way the light from inside caught against Bilbo’s hair, how it bathed his skin with a warm glow that made him look radiant against the darkness of the night sky.
Thorin had never had many things for himself over his life, he had thrown himself into taking care of his people from a young age, had learned to ignore his own wants for decades, and even now this quest was not truly for him, it was for his people, his nephews, for their Company.
He did not get to have things for himself, he did not have the luxury of selfish desire.
But oh how he wanted as he looked at Bilbo. It had started when he had first stepped into the Hobbit’s home, even if his desire had been mixed with irritation at the time, the soft, harmless creature looking so inviting in the warm light of his home that Thorin had given more than half a thought to a quick tumble before going on their way. That desire had been smothered by annoyance in the first leg of their quest, which had turned to admiration, then to trust, and now… well the desire was back in full force but not just for Bilbo’s skin, but his heart and loyalty too.
Their Hobbit was so many things that Thorin had never expected and if his destiny was his alone he would have reached out to grasp at Bilbo to see if the Hobbit would grasp back long ago.
But duty held him back, there was too much to be done between this town and the mountain, too much to be considered to even risk the idea of seeing if Bilbo wanted him the same. So while his hands itched to reach out and see if those golden curls were as soft as they looked, he kept them firmly fixed on the railing.
“I must apologise then for being so irritating.” Thorin remarked after a pause, enjoying the way Bilbo’s cheeks flushed as he waved a hand between them.
Thorin could let himself look, if only for this night.
“No, no that’s not what I- oh you’re having me on.” Bilbo groused as Thorin chuckled, too amused to keep it hidden away.
He got a huff and an eye-roll for that. “You know no one would actually believe me if I said that you were funny.” The Hobbit grumbled though he looked pleased at the same time.
“Hm, a hard-won perception crafted over decades.” Thorin replied, watching as Bilbo shifted ever so slightly closer.
He should move, put some distance between them but instead he stayed still and let Bilbo sway towards him until they were not-quite touching.
“Well that’s a shame, you should let yourself smile more.” Bilbo said, the smile on his face peculiar in a way that Thorin couldn’t read and he frowned a little as Bilbo looked away.
“I smile plenty.” The look he got for that made Thorin duck his head suitably chastised. He didn’t like to think he was that grumpy but well, both this Hobbit and his nephews clearly thought otherwise.
“I’m sure after we reclaim your mountain you’ll have plenty of reasons to smile.” Bilbo said gently, nudging his shoulder against Thorin’s for just a moment and it took everything Thorin had to not pull Bilbo against him.
“When we-” He snapped his jaw shut so hard his teeth ached a little, cutting himself off before he could get ahead of everything they had yet to do. Bilbo only blinked up at him, eyes wide and curious.
“Thorin?” His name and a question at the same time, and Thorin should tell him it was nothing, that he hadn’t known what he was about to say, but this time selfish desire won.
He took in a breath.
“When the dragon is gone, should you wish it, I could show you Erebor.” He held his breath a little after he spoke, watching as Bilbo’s eyebrows shot up in surprise before his expression melted into one of delight so intense Thorin almost looked away.
“Yes! I mean-” Bilbo made a small noise in his throat and visibly tried to contain his clear excitement. “Would you have time for that given the whole, King thing?” He asked, cocking his head a little to the side and Thorin wanted nothing more than to slide his hand up against the skin of his cheek.
“I would find the time for it.” For you Thorin didn’t say, he couldn’t, not now, not yet at any rate. Maybe in the future, maybe when there was enough time for them both to exist beyond battles, orcs and everything else in the way.
Bilbo made a happy noise, bounced up on his toes as he all but beamed up at Thorin, his eyes glittering in the low light.
“Well then it seems we both have too many reasons to let this all end badly.” Bilbo said, the confidence and surety in his tone giving Thorin the hope that they would all come out of this alive and well.
That perhaps he could have something for himself, for once.
----
Months later after apologies, guilt strong enough to eat him alive and then finally the hope that he could actually start to live again, properly this time and not as the spectre of a kingdom lost, Thorin found himself walking back to his chambers after a long afternoon of going over trade agreements for Mirkwood.
Thranduil’s mood was better than it had been the last time they had met, but the surly Elf King was still in a mind to nitpick even the most mundane of requests when he felt like it, so Thorin always made sure to have Balin close by to double, if not triple-check any letters sent to the Elven Kingdom to ensure that Thranduil could twist their words as little as possible.
And if he also removed the occasional curses Thorin liked to slip in that was neither here nor there.
Often Bilbo would be there too, but today he had taken some time for himself, his Hobbit enjoyed his own company to the point of needing to be alone for several hours every once in a while and Thorin would give his soon-to-be-consort whatever he wished. Even if it meant he wouldn’t see Bilbo until well into the evening. Bilbo had taken to hiding himself a little more as of late as well, the date of their wedding having finally been picked and the gruelling months long process of planning it all well underway. Thorin’s own coronation was to happen first, then their union a few months later and while he knew Bilbo was eager for them to be wed as much as Thorin was, he also knew that his Hobbit was having a not-so-small bout of nerves over the whole thing at the same time.
Bilbo could talk down a dragon, barter with trolls, even yell at an Elven King, but being the centre of attention for their wedding was apparently enough to make Bilbo require days where he would seclude himself away to contemplate the whole event
It was a bizarre contradiction given how brave Thorin knew Bilbo to be but he would allow him his space if it meant that he could bear witness to the sight of his Hobbit at their wedding dressed in all the finery Thorin could find.
Thorin approached the doors to his rooms, pushed one open and blinked as he saw no sign of Bilbo. He shuffled inside the room and saw signs that his Hobbit had been there, a now cold cup of half-drunk tea, his current book carefully bookmarked and placed on the side-table next to it, and a blanket carelessly thrown half on Bilbo’s favourite reading chair. Thorin let out a small grumble as he turned around and left through the door he had just walked in.
He ignored Dwalin’s amused look and walked down the corridor towards his Grandfather’s old rooms, if Bilbo was not in the library or their rooms there was one other place Thorin could check.
He pushed open the grand doors as he reached them, taking in the refurbished receiving room that had been turned into a communal room for the company when they took their weekly dinner together. It had been Fili’s idea, not wanting to loose touch with the friends they had come all this way with and at Bilbo’s gentle prodding he had upturned half of the piles of broken furniture to repair so that there was plenty of room for them all. It was still a work in progress but it made something warm stir in Thorin’s chest at the physical sign of their continued connection to one another.
The entire Company were his dearest friends and Thorin would never let himself loose sight of that again.
He walked through the room towards the large doors that led outside, a small smile reaching his face as he saw that one of them was slightly ajar, both a sign to Thorin that Bilbo was indeed out in the garden and that his presence was welcome. Without wasting time he pushed the door open and stepped out into the large garden beyond, he only squinted a little as the last light of the evening greeted him, it was pleasant instead of the bright harshness of the summer sun that would arrive soon enough.
Thorin took in a breath and walked out towards the vast flowerbeds and bushes that kept his Hobbit busy at all hours, he half expected to see Bilbo arms deep in his latest flower project of choice but instead he found his Hobbit sat upon the wooden bench that Bofur and Bifur had crafted for him when Bilbo had publicly declared his intent to stay.
Once, he hadn’t allowed himself to look at Bilbo for long because his duty came first, his quest came first, he was not afforded the luxury of personal wants even though he had wanted with all the fire in his chest, letting his destiny shackle him like heavy cloak made of chains. But now he could allow himself the time to gaze upon his Hobbit for as long as he wished, to be selfish in a way he had never allowed.
Bilbo’s eyes were shut as a small smile tugged at his lips, the smoke from his pipe dancing around his head and just like all those months ago in Laketown Thorin felt his breath catch in his throat. He had always thought Bilbo beautiful, but with the fading evening light bathing him in a warm glow Bilbo was resplendent in his relaxation, his hair shining in the golden light, his skin looking as soft as Thorin knew it to be. He could stay on this spot forever drinking in every angle and line on his Hobbit’s face and not grow tired.
“I can hear you thinking.” Bilbo’s voice broke his daze as his Hobbit blinked his eyes open and Thorin stepped forwards, only limping a little at the ache in his foot from being on his feet for so long during the day.
Bilbo shot the appendage a snotty glare and Thorin did his best not to laugh, Bilbo was still not very good at taking humour in any of his aches. “You haven’t been on that all day have you?” He asked, his tone very much suggesting that he shouldn’t lie.
He’d only get it out of Balin later, traitor that he was.
“Only for a few hours, you know how it aches a little in the evening ibine.” Thorin said, trying to placate Bilbo and not being overly successful if his continued sour expression was anything to go by.
Thorin sighed as he sat down next to Bilbo, worming an arm behind his Hobbit and tugging so that Bilbo would move to snuggle against his side. It had been a long day and he wanted his husband-to-be in his arms for a little while.
“It would ache less if you rested it like Oin told you to.” Bilbo snipped but allowed himself to be tucked into Thorin’s side all the same and Thorin slouched a little on the bench as he rested his head atop golden curls, as soft as he had wondered over all those months ago.
“There are ways you could convince me to do so.” He joked, laughing as a small hand thumped against his chest.
“We can’t spend all day doing that.” Bilbo all but spluttered, Thorin didn’t need to look at him to know he would be flushing a lovely red.
“I wasn’t suggesting all day, but if you have the stamina for it then I am your willing servant.” That got another series of affronted squawks from Bilbo that had Thorin laughing deep from within his belly and Bilbo’s face popped up in front of him, his brows drawn together with such an affronted look Thorin couldn’t keep the smile from his face.
Bilbo's expression shifted, softening as he looked at Thorin with gentle eyes and his Hobbit only sighed.
“I was trying to have a quiet evening.” Bilbo pointed out, though there was little heat in his tone as he tucked himself back into Thorin’s side, his head nudging up against Thorin’s jaw and he hummed into it.
“Then by all means do not allow me to interrupt.” Thorin replied, shifting his legs out in front of him even as Bilbo grumbled into his shoulder, he let out his own content sigh as Bilbo draped his legs over his own, the two of them tucked together in the warm light of the fading sun.
Thorin had never allowed himself to have personal wants no, but perhaps now he could start to learn.