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The camp was quiet, after the group returned from their second trip to the island where they had defeated Sirène just a few days before, Verso had led them to another part of the island guiding them at Lune’s request, where the journal of Expedition 46, her parents’ expedition, lied.
Since they returned the researcher had been sitting alone in a corner, her eyes glued to what Sciel knew was a journal, whether it was the one of their own expedition or another, she couldn’t tell.
She didn’t try to guess, but she had been even quieter since they returned.
Probably a thousand thoughts were going through that pretty head of hers, not that it usually didn’t, but something just told Sciel this time they were steered in a different direction.
After all, that journal they retrieved was of the people that brought Lune into the world, raised her into the researcher she was today, the reason she was here.
At the moment, it was only them two at the camp, the man, gestral, and local huge legendary creature were off to a nearby river to catch something to eat, and she had just sent Maelle in their direction with a pot to fill with water to boil later.
No one had the courage to ask Lune to do something, knowing she’d be too absorbed in thoughts to do so. Not a problem, the farmer often felt she even did too much for them.
Sciel took a couple of pieces of wood, threw them in the fire to rouse it, and then quietly made her way towards the other woman.
Only when she got one step away from the researcher those brown eyes of hers looked up.
“Mind if I sit with you?” Sciel offered, green eyes hopeful and expectant, but if Lune were to say no she’d leave her be.
Usually she’d be more upfront, and more touchy with people, but she knew well Lune was a peculiar case, so she often reminded herself to keep her distance.
Even though she could feel part of her wanting to get closer to the woman.
Have her open up a bit.
She didn’t necessarily mean like the day they met, at the Crooked Tower, where by accident she found a lonely girl mourning her parents like her, held her tight as she cried her eyes out, and she did the same, until exhausted they laid down to watch the stars together, and together they fell asleep there.
And when Sciel awoke, Lune was already gone.
How ironic she was thinking about this now, the day they retrieved the woman’s parents’ journal.
Perhaps it was just the reason why she was reminded of this memory.
Despite Lune vanishing in thin air without a word, Sciel had often thought about her, where she would be, if she was okay, if she’d ever see her again.
She wondered if the researcher did the same for her, but never had the courage to ask.
All she had gotten was that due to her hard wired discipline, she saw anything that wasn’t work a distraction, even friends, by her own admission.
Also by her own words she admitted to be wrong.
A step forward, Sciel thought.
Lune returned her attention to the journal in her hand, but she nodded. “Sure.”
The farmer sat at her left side, close, but not close enough for their arms to be touching, she knew better than that.
She frowned at the thing in Lune’s hands, trying to look at it better to see the words in it. She wasn’t quite well versed in the art of writing with chroma and pictos, or not at all, she could read though.
Sciel could only make out a few words without leaning close, and she wouldn’t dare startle Lune with any kind of touch she didn’t want, but she did make out the name of the researcher in it, so she just knew the other woman was still mulling over the words of her parents.
If the deep frown between her eyes was of any indication.
Deeper than usual.
… Sciel didn’t like this frown.
So she tried.
“Care to share what’s troubling you so much?”
Usually it’d be Lune the one listening, for how apparently hard to approach she seemed to be, it was surprisingly easy to talk to her, and her never ending curiosity helped.
How Sciel loved when those brown eyes lit up when she discovered a new exciting thing, and how wide her smile would get, showing all her teeth when she did.
The prettiest thing she’d ever seen.
But also she knew better than to swoon over her too.
Always more careful around her than she’d ever been with anyone, but Sciel would be dumb to dare to overstep her boundaries and risk messing up building an actual bond with her this time around, now that she could.
Her heart longed for more, but she’d take getting as close as Lune would allow her to be.
She’s been pushed away once, she was not going to be denied a second time.
The prolonged silence prompted Sciel for an apology, it was when she opened her mouth that Lune answered her.
“Just my parents…” with a flick of her wrist, the journal was stashed back in the researcher’s inventory. A sigh. “Even in death they were all about duty, and the mission…”
Lune didn’t look at her, face obscured by her black hair.
“I just… sometimes I wonder if I wasn’t just a means for them to continue their legacy…”
There was just something in the researcher’s voice that Sciel really, really wanted to put a hand on her shoulder.
It sounded like resentment.
And disappointment.
But if there was something she knew about Lune, from that single time they shared, is that she truly had loved her parents, and had mourned them a lot when they didn’t return home.
“My whole life has been shaped by them to continue their work.” ever since she was a little kid, barely four, and already deep into studies, analysis and calculations way too big for her young head.
But she always, always tried to do what they wanted, just to hear any word of praise from the mother and father she loved so much.
And that right now she felt they loved her so little…
Their damn last words had been about her putting an end to what they started, even though they thought of her she didn’t feel flattered.
In Lumière she watched people disappear every year, watching kids, teens and young adults lose their parents, and most of the time as they went, she could hear them whisper worlds of love to their dear ones.
Her sister first, and then her brother even more did, she had held onto them for as long as she could when they disappeared, but neither ever shied away in their last moments to let her know they cared for her.
That they were proud.
Not her parents, but her siblings.
She choked back a sob she didn’t want, she didn’t want to be seen so fragile, her mind screamed at her to keep it for herself, even though she felt herself spiraling down in a vortex of self doubt and regrets.
And her heart betrayed her.
“I don’t… I don’t remember the last time they told me they loved me…” not even when they left for their own expedition.
Lune held a hand over her mouth, her shoulders trembled, her whole being trembled, she didn’t want to cry, she shouldn’t…
She shouldn’t be thinking about this.
She thought she was way over feeling grief, and letting herself break down for someone this way.
And yet the hardest she fought to regain composure, the more she found herself losing.
Why?
She had loved her parents, only for them to not even spare a thought for her or her siblings that didn’t involve the mission?
And Sciel?
Her heart clenched at the sight, her first instinct was for her to just take Lune and hold her in her arms like she’d done that night, she was seeing in her now the fragile girl she met under that seemingly unbothered exterior and commitment to their goal.
She still reached for her shoulders, and to her surprise, Lune didn’t pull away, she just shook under her hands, as choked sobs wracked her body.
Against her better judgement the farmer started rubbing gentle circles on her back with one hand, the other gently squeezing Lune’s picto covered shoulder.
Only now Sciel realized how lonely her life must have been.
Being shaped into place by her own parents, forced to be denied anything that wasn’t following their footsteps.
Denied even friendships.
I should have looked for her after that day.
She shouldn’t have left her alone in all this.
And she wasn’t going to leave her alone again.
Eventually, Lune’s sobs quieted, she didn’t quite cry, no more and a single stray tear made it out of her eyes, and down her marked cheek.
“I-I’m sorry…” the researcher wiped her eyes, trying to regain her composure back.
How embarrassing that Sciel had to see her like this.
But probably best it had been her and no one else, she was the only person that had ever seen worse than this.
She didn’t comment on the hands that had reached for her, and that still were, and Sciel kept them there, steadying her away from even darker thoughts.
“It’s okay.” the other woman’s voice was just as sweet and full of understanding as it was when Maelle had nightmares and broke down. “It’s okay.” she repeated.
The same voice that stopped her from panicking when they lost Gustave…
The same voice that allowed her to grieve when she found out her parents were never coming back.
She always seemed to know when Lune needed her most.
Her hands gentle, her presence comforting.
Once again she mentally cursed her parents for raising her with a sole purpose, with thoughts directed to a singular objective, that she had failed to see what else was out there for her to experience.
And now, with barely a year left to live, she could only mourn what she had lost.
Mourn what she could have had, and that shut down so harshly because she had been trained since childhood to not give in to distractions.
No matter what kind.
Only now she realized how much of her life she had lost while buried in research papers.
She lost what could have been her best friend.
An anchor to steady her whenever she felt lost after a failure.
There had been nothing but research and the mission, even now because of this, she knew, she felt that it was hard to express empathy the same way the others did. She wasn’t so cold to not feel it, no, her emotions often threatened to be too much and crack the surface, much like now, but she… she didn’t know how to show it.
Lune had been taught to suppress emotions.
And when they broke the mask she didn’t know how to react.
“I didn’t mean for you to see me like this…” Lune hung her head low, too ashamed to look at anything that wasn’t the grass beneath her feet.
She felt Sciel’s hands squeeze at her shoulders again.
She didn’t have it in her to push them away.
She didn’t want to push them away.
“Everyone needs to let go of their emotions once in a while, even you. I understand you were raised to not do so, but your feelings are your own, and no one can tell you otherwise.”
No one could tell her to not have emotions.
No one.
She was allowed to cry and mourn like everyone else.
“You are allowed to feel, Lune. And you are allowed to ask for help when it gets too much.” because when it gets too much, people break apart.
And Sciel feared to see Lune break, so much she was used to keeping everything inside her, she was afraid not to see her spill it out, but to fear she wouldn’t recover.
Because who knew how much she had hidden away during the years she’d been alone?
The stern discipline inflicted on her by her parents was the main reason she was who she was, and the reason why, even though she sounded uncaring, she kept them on track, kept them going until now.
She had shouldered the loss of Gustave and carried them all on her back, from one destination to the next.
Always forward.
But also… always alone…
Sciel didn’t want her to be alone.
Because she was lonely, but not alone, and wanted her to understand that.
“You know you can always ask me for help.” Sciel didn’t mention the rest of the group, Maelle was too young to be burdened with more, and Lune wouldn’t confide with Verso.
Monoco was probably out of the question, and save for his giant hugs, probably Esquie too.
They were surely intelligent but too quirky to be of help.
And… Sciel knew well she was the only person Lune may open up to, because she already did that once, and the second time they grieved together, she let her lie on her shoulder without question.
She was the only one that could manage to find her way into the researcher’s heart.
The heart of someone whose people that birth her forced it in a case of ice.
She’d break said ice, little by little.
For whatever little crack Lune would allow her to carve in it.
She heard a sigh from the other woman, and the request came all of a sudden, words falling from the researcher’s lips before she realized they left her mouth.
“Can I… can I lay on your shoulder?”
A look of surprise crossed Sciel’s face, then her lips curved in a soft smile. “Of course you can.”
She didn’t miss the subtle blush that showed on Lune’s cheeks when she found herself aware of what she just asked, but made no comment on it.
Her hands even encouraged her to place her head in the crook of her neck, pulling gently.
“It’s just for a moment.” Lune blurted out, trying to excuse herself for her selfish request, those words had just spilled out on their own without her having any control over them.
Sciel gave a light chuckle. “I don’t mind, stay as long as you want.”
She said want but she meant need.
Because Lune needed this, but she would only stay there for as long as her mind would allow her to.
“I don’t… I don’t even know why I feel so…” sad? angry? disappointed? she really didn’t know what word to choose, none were right but none were wrong at the same time.
Finding her parents' journal had been one of her main goals since she set off for the continent, a purpose within another purpose.
It felt important to her, to find something to remember them by.
But she was not happy.
“Because every child deserves to hear that their parents love them.”
That… that hurt…
But Sciel had spoken the harsh truth.
Lune felt the woman’s hands hold her even closer, and she just let her, feeling another wave of tears.
“Let them out if you must.” she quietly whispered. “I’m here.”
The researcher shook against her body again, but nothing more than a few quiet sniffles came out of her.
Sciel was right, even now that she was grown up, she was just her parent’s child, here because she followed their footsteps.
And…
“All I wanted was for them to be proud of me.” she spoke the sentence choking back more tears, until she could hold them back no more, letting Sciel’s shoulder absorb them.
The woman didn’t speak.
She didn’t judge.
She just let her be.
Just like that one night at the Crooked Tower.
All she did was to hold her tight, and thread her fingers in dark and matted hair.
How… how did she manage all these years without this comfort?
Why did she let herself be detached like this?
Why did she vanish without even a single word of apology?
And yet Sciel was here once again.
Allowing her to fall apart quietly, but never letting go, keeping the pieces falling out of Lune together in her strong arms, and helping her place them back in place.
Perhaps she should be happy that the others weren’t at the camp too.
Lune didn’t know if she would have managed to handle the shame of being seen like this from anyone else. Maelle would worry, and she already had handled so much, Verso she didn’t want to show weakness to.
A part of her still didn’t trust him, letting him see her so vulnerable would mean that he could exploit it. He had already kept things from them, she wouldn’t let him twist the knife further.
Monoco she didn’t know, he was a gestral, but she had no idea how he’d react to this, though she knew he experienced sadness as much as they did. But for all the curiosity she had for gestrals, she really didn’t feel like sharing something so deeply personal with them.
And Esquie probably would just offer one of his giant hugs, tempting, but…
At the moment the only arms she wanted were Sciel’s.
Sciel who just let her be, letting her cry on her shoulder, only holding her arms just a bit tighter, wanting to tell Lune that she wasn’t going to leave her side until she would ask her to.
And if she didn’t, then so be it.
She had desired to hold her like this again when Gustave died, but the prideful person Lune had become had only allowed her to lie against her, and Sciel didn’t want to push, especially in such a moment.
It took a bit, but eventually Lune managed to get her sobs under control again, she stayed with her head comfortably nestled in Sciel’s neck, unwilling to move.
Her body felt more tired than spending a long day fighting.
But she still had more to say.
She pretty much spilled everything, so might as well spill it all.
“Sometimes I wonder if my parents really wanted me, or just wanted someone to be their reflection, neither of my siblings were… forced to continue their steps.”
Stella and Sol had been very different from her.
Better people too.
At least they were able to have friends.
While she pushed them away.
“I think it was cruel of your parents to force such a heavy burden on such a young child.” Sciel didn’t want to hide the fact, given what she just heard, and the fact Lune disappeared because of their teachings, that she felt some kind of resentment.
Not them as people.
More like in how they acted.
Cutting away at their own child’s opportunity to be well… just a child, especially with the limited time she had, for the sake of a life purpose was something she didn’t want to excuse.
Especially hearing Lune now, how neglected she felt.
When she was just a child that told her parents “I love you.” and that just desired to hear them say it back to her.
They placed the work of a lifetime on the youngest child, and let her carry the burden by herself, despite having siblings.
So in a way she understood why Lune was being so bitter about this.
Spent her whole life to please them, even after their departure, she was here right now because of this, and not even in death they could let go of their damn obsession for the mission.
If anything though, Sciel understood where Lune’s own stubbornness came from.
They probably wouldn’t be here without it.
The researcher spoke again.
“Right now I ask myself what is not an extension of my parents and their work, and where the person that is me, where Lune begins. What part of me isn’t just a reflection of them?”
A legit question.
A question that got Sciel thinking about, for how little, she had known of Lune, even in light of what she had just willingly shared.
She appreciated the trust.
All that came to Sciel’s mind was that Lune was a great and brilliant researcher, she helped make most of the equipment for the expedition, that she was always curious to know more about literally everything.
But also how emotionally shut down she was too.
Nothing really new, that Lune herself hadn’t mulled over already.
A sigh.
Then the realization.
There was something!
“Your music.”
The frown on Lune’s face showed that she may have even forgotten about what was her only other passion.
“My parents always thought it was a frivolous and useless distraction.” but it was also the only thing they had allowed outside researching and studying.
The only thing that filled the silence when it became too much.
The only thing that allowed her to let go of her emotions when they were too hard to keep inside.
“It’s not useless if it makes you happy.”
Never in her life Lune thought at it this way.
It was just an escape for her.
She was convinced it was.
“And I know it does, because otherwise why would you have taken your guitar all the way here?” Sciel smiled down at her.
All the things Lune brought along were for some kind of usefulness.
But she did love her guitar.
And it had been the key to opening the door that led her to her parents’ journal, though she didn’t know how she felt about finding it now.
“I liked that song you played before.”
Lune huffed, the smallest of laughs on her lips. “Even if my hands were shaking the whole time?” she could play way better than that.
But she’d been caught by the emotion to find the journal, and the fear of playing too badly.
Somehow it had worked.
“I never quite heard you play before.” Sciel admitted. “Earlier was the first time I actually did.” and she found her head swaying in time with the music Lune played, it was alluring, no matter how bad she claimed she was playing her guitar.
“I knew you did, Gustave told me you played music at every gommage for the people there, he also told me you have quite a nice voice too.”
“He couldn’t keep that last part to himself, could he?” but despite herself, Lune was finally smiling.
“No, and I’ll have you know I want to hear you sing sometime.”
“I’m sure you don’t.” Sciel looked down at Lune, she was red to the tip of her ears.
“Oh of course I do.” she chuckled. “I never really had occasion to watch you play or sing, and when the gommage came, I’d be busy dancing.”
“You were one of the dancers on the stage?”
Sciel nodded, she kind of missed dancing if she were to be honest.
With the corner of her eyes she could see a familiar mop of red hair, and other figures, Lune did too, and much to their displeasure, they untangled each from where they ended up being, both missing the warmth of the other.
But Lune even more, she even sighed in displeasure, but she couldn’t let them think her moment of weakness she shared with Sciel was anything more than just that.
The farmer sprung to her feet first, offering her a hand to take, and the researcher hadn’t noticed how numb her legs had gotten from sitting for so long, they cramped a bit for the first steps as she followed the other woman to the fire.
The rest had returned with a pot of clean water, and fish to cook and eat.
“Well, if you really think you played that bad before, how about you play that song again later, for us?” Sciel asked, loud enough for everyone to hear.
She…
She just had to, didn't she?
Lune bit back a growl.
“You’re going to play again?” Maelle looked at her with big expectant blue eyes. “I always liked hearing when you played the guitar, I’d often pass by your house hoping you would, and then at the gommage.”
She too, like Sciel, had been moving in tune with the song she played before.
And it had been a long time since she played the guitar in general.
If ever, after they set off for the expedition.
Verso just shrugged, he probably didn’t care, though he did say he played the piano so Lune supposed he wouldn’t mind.
Who knew if she were ever going to get something out of him through music.
“That would be nice.” Monoco nodded, it seemed that even the gestral appreciated music, and Esquie of course was always as excited for anything.
Lune sighed.
“All right.” she held her hands up. “But only after we’ve eaten.”
Basic needs first, otherwise they couldn’t move on with their journey.
Her reply sparked something, as she watched both Sciel and Maelle work on preparing the food even faster than usual, with the teen being even more eager than usual.
Also they refused to let her help too.
“You’ve done enough for today.” she whispered quietly when she got close to ask if they needed a hand.
Lune knew well she wasn’t referring to work but to her earlier bout of weakness.
It was her way to tell her to rest up after she poured her heart out.
How did she even have the courage to cut off someone like Sciel from her life before she didn’t know…
But it had been the mistake she’d been regretting the most since that late night talk under the stars with her.
And Lune didn’t want more regrets.
She had enough of them, she didn’t want more for however little she has left to live.
True to her word, after they ate, Lune settled herself on a log, pulling out her guitar from her pictos, the familiar weight of the instrument setting against her body as she held it close for a moment.
She wasn’t quite able to hold it the way she wanted before on the island while standing up.
She always played while sitting.
Lune let her fingers feel the chords before starting the song, a slower rhythm at first, then it got gradually faster, her lithe fingers strumming and pinching the chords to find the right notes as they moved.
She could hear in the back of her mind the voices of our parents how she shouldn’t do this.
She had a journal to update.
But taking her eyes off the instrument for a moment, she watched Sciel nudge Maelle as they danced around around the camp, with the older woman teaching the younger one moves and the teen imitating her the best she could with a bright smile on them both.
Esquire and Monoco engaged in a similar act, though their dance was way sillier than the girl’s ones, but looked like they were having the time of their life, even trying to drag Verso in it.
He didn’t, but Lune’s eyes caught him tapping his foot in sync, looking at her entraptured from the way her hands moved on the instrument.
The voices in her head quieted.
Her heart felt lighter than ever at the display.
She let herself get lost in the feeling.
Lune couldn’t help the smile that blossomed on her face.
She had missed this so much…
For the time being, for this once, she let herself be.
Give in to selfish demands.
Lune had only meant to be playing only one song, but with all the excitement she conceded a few more, and in her heart she knew she needed this too.
It wasn’t until most of them had stopped dancing and collapsed to their own beds.
Only then Lune let go of her guitar, and let it disappear, instantly missing the feeling of the instrument beneath her fingers.
Still a bit in a dance drunk haze, Sciel made her way to her as she prepared herself for bed too. The woman placed a hand on her shoulder and smiled tiredly, but her eyes were soft.
“You’re more than their reflection.” she said quietly.
Lune’s heart fluttered, remembering the whole conversation of before.
So that’s what Sciel had meant to do.
Lune thought it was just a request for herself, but no…
She did it for her…
Then Sciel grinned.
“Next time I wanna hear you sing too.”