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This past week, there was something that kept bugging me, it felt like it was right there in front of me but I couldn’t grasp it. What I did take note of was the lingering touches and gazes that had increased between us… may it be subconscious or unconscious, it did feel like Caelus was trying to convey something to me but refrained from doing so? I could speculate as much as I wanted to but that wouldn’t yield any answers.
I leaned against the wall with my arms crossed, I had gotten up early due to being restless, the give away was how I kept tapping my finger on my arm. What didn’t help was that both of them were running late… I was only half an hour early, yet neither of them had shown up fifteen minutes after the time we had agreed on.
A few minutes later I heard light footsteps running towards my direction, it was without doubt March.
“You’re late” I deadpanned.
“And you’re too punctual!” She retorted back.
Letting out a sigh I turned my gaze towards the door she had just come from, Caelus was still not to be seen but it was the usual. This was after all a day we got to take a short break so we could relax, although as short as it was.
“Sorry for being late!”
I looked at Caelus who was breathing rather heavily. “Did he run?” I wondered.
“When are you not late?” March huffed.
“As if you have any right to judge him…” I pointed out while staring at her.
“Hey! I wasn’t that late!”
“March, you got here not even five minutes ago…” I said flatly.
“Again, you are just too early!” She pouted.
“She’s got a point there!”
I glanced at Caelus who was chuckling and how March was puffing her cheeks, nothing out of the norm right now but something was different about him. In an attempt to not let my focus drift, I suggested that we should get going.
The moment we reached the town plaza I watched how March started to run around to take pictures of this and that. However, Caelus on the other hand had darted off towards the sightseeing point.
Seeing Caelus standing there on his tiptoes, holding the railing as he gazed out with, the way the wind was gently blowing his hair made my heart flutter. “If it had only been the two of us…” I thought while walking up to him.
“You seem to like the ocean a lot…”
There was a small yelp before he said, “Crap you scared me!”
It made me chuckle, “Sorry”.
Watching how his expression went from shock to slightly flustered before looking back out towards the ocean in deep thought. “Well, it’s vast and I like the scent of it…” Caelus finally said.
I kept looking at his profile, studying it, but I kept catching myself looking down towards his lips. It wasn’t until I finally looked back up that our eyes met. Caelus' eyes almost seemed to be glowing… maybe it was the lighting, but it was mesmerising. Warmth slowly spread through my body in an unfamiliar way. Immediately I looked out towards the ocean myself, realising that I had been staring at him like an idiot.
Being stuck in my own little bubble as I suddenly felt Caelus pull my arm.
“Dan Heng, come on!” and soon enough there was a shutter sound going off.
Of course I had to be dragged into a photo. The teasing was never ending since according to them I never smiled in any of them, and in all honesty I was pretty known for rarely smiling or being expressive over all.
Never really getting a chance to be alone with Caelus, March was dragging him around most of the town into all kinds of shops and I decided to wait outside each shop until they were done.
Hearing a small groan I looked up to see a rather exhausted Caelus coming out from the shop the two of them had been in. “Can’t keep up anymore?” I asked with a soft snicker.
“This is like the millionth shop she’s been in…” Caelus commented and in one fluid movement he effortlessly placed himself on top of the bin next to me. “...and I’m getting hungry.” he added.
I couldn’t help but to stare at him right now… there was a bin right there yet he didn’t dig in it like he normally would. For some reason, it gave me the impression of him hiding something from me or rather us. Until now Caelus appeared to be acting like himself but it seemed to me that something was gnawing at him.
“...what?”
“You’re not gonna rummage through that bin you’re sitting on?” I outright asked, pushing my thoughts aside.
There was a short moment of silence before Caelus replied with, “Nope! I already did that the other day!”
Okay, this was insane but I simply had to ask because there was simply no way this could be true in my own opinion. Although… This is Caelus we’re talking about.
“How…” I started, “Okay, let me ask, can you tell them apart?”
He stared at me like I was dumb. “Of course! They all look different!”
I scrutinised the bin for a moment, it honestly looked the same like all the other ones… Taking a quick glance at his proud expression before letting out a heavy sigh. However it didn’t matter to me that Caelus was a dumpster diving raccoon, it wouldn’t change my feelings towards him in the slightest.
“There you two are! I’m done!” I heard March yell out while waving at us.
“Caelus is hungry” I commented, “maybe we should go somewhere?” I finished once I had walked up to her.
She picked up her phone and looked at the time. “You’re right, by the way Dan Heng…”
I waited for her to finish but March simply stood there grinning. “...what?”
“When are you gonna tell him?” She asked quietly.
Of course she was aware of my feelings towards Caelus, why wouldn’t she be… when it comes to things like this March was the most perceptive person there is. I thought I had been as discreet as someone could be considering that Caelus hadn’t even picked up on it…
“Later…”
Hearing her giggle I sighed and turned around to see Caelus gazing at the sky with a complicated expression momentarily before jumping off the bin to catch up with us. My heartrate slowly speeding up… a constant reminder.
At the restaurant I caught him gazing at the sky once again, it was uncharacteristically unlike him… glancing at the sky myself and nothing came to mind as to why? It made me wonder what exactly went through his mind. I turned to look at Caelus just to see a spoon being held out towards me.
“Come on, try it!” he laughed.
Shocked, I only stared at the spoon as if it was some foreign object, being able to feel how a blush was creeping up on my face. “No thank you” I declined. Hearing how March was snickering on the side, who knows how many times I’ve sighed today… I wanted to accept it but I was simply too embarrassed to do so. “Why can’t I be as bold as Caelus in times like this…” Wanting to slap myself for letting such an opportunity slip away.
A bit absentminded as we left the place I once again felt a sudden pull out of the blue, startled, I looked down at the hand intertwined with my own. What caught my attention aside from Caelus holding my hand while dragging me off somewhere was the heat from his hand, it was unusually warm.
Coming to a stop by some fountain I still couldn’t stop staring at our hands, he was holding onto mine firmly, was he even aware of it? I gazed up, watching him, without knowing I slowly let our fingers interlock properly and there was no resistance from Caelus either but I felt a small squeeze. I softly squeezed back. Then there was another sudden pull, the sensation of me being pulled towards him caught me off guard. I was surprised for a split second but the way he was smiling… was infectious. As the shutter went off I smiled.
The moment he let go of my hand it felt so empty, I wanted to hold onto it longer but I had to keep myself composed. Watching the two talking, it felt like I was in a daze until I saw Caelus turn around with a rare heartfelt genuine smile. “I will treasure this!”
My breath got caught in my throat, I wished I could capture this moment with a camera but it would never do it justice. It was at this point I finally understood how deeply in love I was with him. I wanted to tenderly cup his face and kiss him right there and then but instead I just crossed my arms and looked to the side. “I'm a damn coward…”
As time went I kept catching Caelus looking up at the sky on several occasions, almost as if he was waiting for something… while we were backtracking I was about to ask about it but he got ahead of me with a question of his own. “Is there some kind of festival going on?”
I looked around for a bit as I remembered what I had heard previously from a local. “If I remember correctly, they do this once a month.”
Seeing how March was rushing into the crowd I started to follow her tracks to make sure we didn’t get completely split up since she had a tendency to get lost.
“March don’t run off please” I called out to her.
“I know, I know!” She said while waving her hand. “Two of these please!”
I sighed and watched her buy two chicken skewers, immediately running off towards Caelus and shoved one up his face more or less. Keeping track of the time as we were walking around the market, always having the two of them in front of me since they both were so unpredictable. “It’s pretty late,” I commented as I checked the clock. “We should go back to the express” not missing the slight flinch Caelus did as I brought it up.
“It is!” March said in surprise.
Like a mother hen, I managed to usher them out from the market area. Since it was getting pretty late at this point. Even so, I didn't want it to end just yet. I was missing something and it was a detestable sensation, since in most occurrences things went very wrong.
“Caelus are you coming?” I heard March yell out suddenly. “Hurry up! There’s always tomorrow as well!”
I turned around to see that Caelus had stopped at the same spot where he had been watching the ocean earlier, but this time he was staring at the sky with a rather melancholic demeanour… an unsettling feeling started to grow inside of me.
My mind kept replaying that smile from earlier… I wasn’t paying any attention to what was going on around me but my instincts kept telling me something wasn’t right. Just what was it that bugged me so much right now?
“You okay there?”
The sudden question pulled me out of my daze as I met Caelus’ gaze… it dawned on me that I hadn’t been seeing things earlier, his usual amber coloured eyes were now glowing golden. “Don’t worry about it.” I replied. A relentless gnawing feeling.
“Alright then,” Caelus answered with a smile. “G’night!”
“I can’t just let him go… I have to stop him” I thought and out of reflex I reached out and grabbed his wrist.
It was no surprise that Caelus looked at me with such a bewildered expression, because I was shocked by my own actions as well. However, I had made up my mind yesterday that I would tell him today how I felt about him, but at the same time I was anxious as well. There was no way to know if he felt the same about me, but considering how today went I simply couldn’t believe that it wasn’t mutual.
I tightened my grip slightly, bracing myself. “Caelus…” hearing how my voice faltered, loosening my hold so I could take a hold of his hand that was now scorching hot. Doing the same gentle squeeze that Caelus’ had done by the fountain. Looking away for a split second as I prayed that he would squeeze it back like I did back there. Pulling him towards me carefully.
Observing every move he made, it was clear that he was confused judging from the way Caelus was staring at me. What I didn’t expect was how his expression changed from bewilderment to such a bittersweet one instead. The way his hand was trembling in mine, something was off and I couldn’t place my finger on it but I just knew that something was extremely wrong. My heart is starting to go erratic.
His hand slowly slipped out of mine. “...Cae?” voice quivering.
Panic started to seep into my body at a fast rate. “This isn’t how it was supposed to go!” I thought as I desperately grabbed Caelus’ hand once more. Not being able to understand why this was happening, if it wasn’t mutual and he didn’t see me in that way then why?
“Why are you looking at me with such a painful gaze? Why?” My composure was breaking, but the moment I felt his feverish hand on top of mine, the way he was caressing it with such a feather-like touch… there was no way this wasn’t mutual so why?
“Why are you rejecting me?” finally feeling our hands separate. “Don’t look so wistful if you are going to reject me… please I beg you… say something…”
No explanation or answers given, a rift right between our feet that I couldn’t cross. An unattainable dream that was right there in front of me yet utterly out of reach.
“Thank you” the whisper was so soft I almost missed it. Yet, the smile that followed was heartrending… I didn’t know what kind of expression I was making right now except it felt like someone had punched the air out of me.
“I’ll see you tomorrow…” That’s when I saw it, a small tear had escaped his already tear-filled eyes… a shimmering golden tear.
My instincts were screaming at me that if I let him go now, he would slip through my fingers like sand. I took a step forward only to get the door shut in my face, hearing the click of the lock and there was nothing I could do now.
“Shit…” I whispered, leaning my forehead against the door. Standing there for a minute or so before starting to walk away towards the parlor car.
As I was about to open the door I heard Himeko and Welt talking about something and it sounded serious. I didn’t intend to eavesdrop but the moment I heard the words ‘it’s happening today isn’t it?’ leaving her mouth I froze. “Today? But today is almost over?”
I opened the door, startling both of them. “What’s happening today?”
“Dan Heng?” Himeko was rather taken aback, but Welt didn’t look surprised, more like he knew I was behind that door.
“Mr. Yang, please enlighten me on what’s going to happen?” I demanded, it was unlike me to act like this but they were clearly hiding something.
Watching how both Himeko and Welt exchanged glances between each other before looking at me like they were taking pity on me. Now I knew for sure that there was something extremely wrong.
“Dan Heng… this is not our place to tell you” Welt explained.
“Then who’s place is it?”
Himeko cast her gaze downwards before looking at me again. “It’s Caelus’”
My heart stopped… he hadn’t mentioned anything today but it would explain why he was behaving differently from usual.
“Caelus’?” my voice was thick.
“He didn’t explicitly tell us anything either, Dan Heng,” Welt started. “It is something I pieced together but it’s nothing we confirmed.”
“However, when we saw him this morning…” Himeko gazed at me with concern.
“This morning?” I was taken aback.
Welt furrowed his brows as he crossed his arms. “Do you remember when he collapsed a few weeks back?”
My mind was racing, thoughts scattered all over as I tried to remember, barely dragging out that one memory. “The high fever he had around a month ago?”
“Exactly,” Welt confirmed. “That was the start of it”
Himeko lifted a hand to her chin, deep in thought. “You already suspected it back then?”
I couldn’t keep up, what were they discussing about exactly? It was just a fever… it was unusually high considering it was almost reaching 45 degrees… Caelus recovered.
“Not at first no, it was afterwards, when I saw him doubling over in the hallway a handful of times” Welt pointed out. “I brought it up with Herta since it bothered me…”
Their voices started to muddle out as I tried to piece things together, it felt like an eternity but slowly the puzzle started to fall into place and almost as if ice cold water was poured over me, the last piece fell into place.
“Mr. Yang!” I called out suddenly, “You have a master key don’t you!?” my voice frantic.
“Dan Heng, why do you need it?” Welt's voice went stern.
“Please let me borrow it!”
My skin prickled as all three of us heard a faint yell coming from the door behind us.
“Please!” I begged this time.
Caelus was on borrowed time. How could I have forgotten…
“We’re aware about your feelings towards him but-” Himeko started.
“I never told him explicitly!” I shouted while staring at the floor.
Both of them were startled by my sudden outburst. And so was I. My composure was breaking and my emotions were going out of control. “Caelus… please… please” I prayed. “Let me be wrong this time!”
“Screw it” I seethed, snatching the master key from Welt and bolted towards Caelus’ room. Mind going haywire. This wasn’t like me but my heart screamed in such agonizing pain.
“Dan Heng!” Welt and Himeko yelled after me.
“Please, please, please!” I whispered, coming to a full stop outside his door, heart throbbing as I fumbled with the key.
“Dan Heng!” Welt called out while walking towards me with long strides.
Finally managing to unlock his door I forced it open and as the scene before my eyes unfolded, everything came to a halt. “No…no, no!” my voice breaking. Ignoring how Welt was grabbing my arm.
“CAELUS!” A heart-wrenching scream tore itself from my throat.
Welt stayed silent behind me but didn’t let go of my arm and I tried so hard to force him to let go of me, I just wanted to go to Caelus’ side. My heart was being ripped to pieces as I saw the way he was slowly disappearing in front of my eyes.
“Mr. Yang! Please!” I cried out as I tried to remove his tight grip, not tearing my eyes off from Caelus.
“Dan Heng…” Welt said slowly. “There is nothing-”
“I DON’T CARE!” I shouted as I tried to enter the room, but this time I felt Welt grabbing me around the waist pinning down my other arm to my side. “LET GO OFF ME!”
Unaware that Himeko was watching the whole ordeal and that March had left her room and was shocked by the sudden scenario that was happening a bit down the hallway. Unaware of what was going on.
“Please understand!” Welt tried to get through to me and I knew he did it for my sake since the stellaron was unpredictable.
“No!” I struggled so hard but I knew Welt was so much stronger than me, even more so when I was in this state.
I couldn’t breathe, he was right there… yet out of my reach. “Please, Caelus! Don’t go! There has to be something!!” I choked on my sobs and I screamed to the point I couldn’t anymore… I only wanted to be by his side, but again I had to watch someone I cared for disappear right in front of me.
Everything seemed to go in slow motion and in the last moment I felt how Welt released me from his vice-like grip. I stumbled forward, dashing towards him just to see the bittersweet smile on Caelus’ face once more. Like fireflies scattering with the wind he vanished before me.
Staring at my open hands, he was just there a second ago, we talked earlier. Nothing made sense anymore, my ears rang painfully loud, silencing everything around me. It felt like my head was about to split into two and I slowly doubled over, embracing myself.
Memories rewinding themselves like you rewind a movie, we danced around each other as if we were afraid of shattering the glass in between. Words that should have been exchanged and truths that should have been told, but left unsaid. An existence written in ink that wouldn’t stay, you stood by my side for so long and now you are but a page in my life.
“Is this why you rejected me…?”
“I’m sorry, Dan Heng.” Welt said softly behind me.
I gritted my teeth and in a split second I grabbed him by the collar. “Why did you stop me?! There must have been something we could have done!” my voice cracked. “There had to be…”
“What’s going on?” March asked cautiously.
“Himeko do you mind?” Welt asked.
“I will tell her” She responded and gracefully took March with her.
Welt closed his eyes as he gently removed my hands off him. “I already spoke to Herta about it…” He started, “We could have bought some time but it wouldn’t change the outcome…”
“How much?”
“A week at most…” I felt his gaze on me. “Had we caught on earlier, maybe a month”
“Then why-”
“He would have suffered more!” Welt interjected.
I stared at him, a week or a month neither would have made much of a difference in reality… only wishing I had known… but maybe he was trying to protect me in his own way? Glancing back into the now empty room, remembering the way Caelus had glanced towards something before looking back at me.
“I will give you some space”
Hearing Welt walking away I felt ashamed of my behaviour but at the same time everything felt so extremely unfair. How could I be the guard of the express if I can’t even protect the one I wanted to protect the most.
The room filled with a harrowing silence, the urge to run away was overwhelming but I was rooted in place. Faltering as I followed the direction of Caelus’ earlier glance, towards the bin that was next to the desk in his room. With trembling hands I picked up the small crunched up papers, softly unfolding them. They were letters, rather attempts to write a letter. There were several and all of them had my name on it. I read one by one, tears trickling down my cheeks as I finally understood as to why he never told me.
I couldn’t decipher all of them but it was rather easy to put the pieces together… Some were long and lots of words were scratched out before he most likely tossed it into the bin.
‘I didn’t want to act on my feelings… because if I did it would hurt more wouldn’t it? I’m so sorry Dan Heng, I wanted to tell you so many times but I just couldn’t… ‘
Some of them had a different approach and sounded lighter and more goofy like he usually did.
‘Did you know I have been in love with you for months now? Pretty sure you’re not looking my way but a guy can dream right?’
But there was one that only had one line written down.
‘I love you and I’m sorry’
I know now that Caelus was only trying to protect us from hurting too much and it was true… had he acted on his feelings earlier and things had changed between us, it would have hurt so much more… However, a part of me wanted to experience it… being able to feel his lips against mine, his skin, his warmth… even his laughter. I wanted it all, the desire burned hot in my chest but the grief of having lost all those chances weighed just as much.
“If… just if there’s a parallel universe…” I whispered. “I swear that I will find you…”