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Feeling how my eyelids were twitching from the heat that was building up across my eyes, I slowly twisted my torso to be able to face the window. Carefully opening my left eye, letting it adjust to the brightness, seeing the sunrays peeking through the gap of the dark grey curtains that framed it. My body felt like led but I felt the nerves slowly being roused awake, with a groan I stretched my body to its limits before letting it go limp once more.
“Today is it huh…” I thought while gazing at my plain ceiling.
Swinging my legs off the bed while letting the momentum bring me up to a sitting position. Flinching instantly as my feet touched the ice cold floor, “That’s damn cold…” shivering as I adjusted to the coolness of it. It felt quiet… unusually quiet, is it because of what day it is or is it just a rare moment? Who knows but it was somehow eerie or maybe even melancholic…
Looking down at the floor watching the light reflecting off it, I gazed over my shoulder to look at the still closed curtains that had the audacity to let in that small gleam of light. With a sigh I stood up letting my gaze linger for a bit at the covered window whilst slowly making my way over, reaching out with both my hands and touched the fabric softly before taking a gentle hold of each side. My hands were trembling ever so slightly as I took a moment for myself before opening them, letting in all of the morning light into my room.
It felt like I stopped breathing for a second, my grip tightening on the fabric, yet I couldn’t help but to take in the scenery that was in front of me… the sky dyed in such beautiful colours as the sun having left the horizon as it slowly but surely made its way to the highest point. Taking a deep breath to collect myself, I knew what was to come and I had made my mind up, but… was this really the right choice?
“This is just any other day” I told myself as I plastered on my usual smile.
I quickly slipped out of my sleeping wear into my regular attire, jumping on one leg to put on my sneakers as I reached for my coat. Throwing it on as I came to a halt in front of the mirror… it was a weird feeling… chewing the inside of my cheek a bit before taking the last few steps towards the door. As I lifted my hand to open the door, hesitation consumed me, my hand hovered over the button and it was so easy to just push it but every fiber in my body was terrified. Shaking my head as I finally managed to place my hand on it the door slid open and with determination I slipped out of my room trying my best to act as normal as I could.
Almost colliding with Pom-pom I quickly apologised while greeting them before running towards the lounging area where Himeko and Welt were.
“Oh Caelus, good morning!” Himeko said with her usual warm smile, causing me to falter and slow down my steps.
“Morning Himeko” returning her smile with one of my own.
“Would you like a cup of coffee before you leave for the day?” She offered while holding out a cup towards me.
The horrors filled me instantly as I rejected the offer in the most polite way I could. Trying to speed up a bit as a stern voice called out to me.
“Caelus”
Coming to a full stop I turned to my left looking over towards Welt who in turn studied me carefully. Feeling somewhat uneasy the way he looked at me I involuntarily scratched my cheek wondering if I had done something I shouldn’t have the past week. Upon hearing Welt letting out a small sigh I looked back at him, seeing his eyes had softened as he wore an uncharacteristic woeful smile.
“Take care, Caelus”
I stared at him, glancing over to Himeko who now knew something was wrong and exchanged looks with Welt before looking over towards me once again, wearing an identical smile as Welt did.
“They know… don’t they? ” I cast my gaze down momentarily before taking a proper look at them once again. “Thank you Mr. Yang, I will” I replied softly, feeling how my chest tightened. “I’ll see you later” I added as I gave a wistful smile to the two of them, taking a few steps backwards before waving a quick goodbye as I started running towards the parlor car where Dan Heng and March 7th were waiting for me.
“Sorry for being late!” I panted as I came to a halt right in front of the two.
“When are you not late?” March huffed while placing her hands on her hips.
“As if you have any right to judge him…” Dan Heng pointed out with a deadpan voice.
“Hey! I wasn’t that late!”
I started to chuckle as I heard the same old banter going off as per usual. We had agreed on this small outing to get a break from all the missions we had done recently. I watched the two back and forth while chiming in with some small comments of my own as the twinge in my chest got a bit more painful. “I can do this” I thought as we left the express to explore the town of this planet we currently were on.
The town plaza was big and there were a lot of things we hadn’t gotten a chance to view during our mission here. I took a gander and ran up towards a railing across the street, taking a hold of it as I saw the view that unfolded, there was a huge open ocean where you could see small fishing boats lining up along the port.
“It’s beautiful…” I whispered as I held the railing while leaning over slightly.
“You seem to like the ocean a lot…” Dan Heng commented suddenly, catching me off guard.
Startled, I looked to my side where the raven now stood. “Crap you scared me!”
A light chuckle. “Sorry”
I scratched the back of my head as I looked back to the ocean a bit unsure how to respond to the remark he just did. “Well, it’s vast and I like the scent of it…” I said with a low voice.
Glancing over to Dan Heng I saw that he was observing me but as our gazes met he looked straight ahead.
“Guys! Let’s take a picture!” March suggested while waving at us.
“Dan Heng, come on!” I smiled as I grabbed his arm to pull him forward to get closer to March.
“Cheese!” She said as she held her camera up higher to fit all of us.
Hearing the shutter go off.
March flicked through the photos for a moment to pull up the recent one she took, I glanced over her shoulder and started laughing the moment I saw it.
“Can’t you smile at least once?!” Me and March teased in unison.
Dan Heng sighed at the two of us before we kept going, getting dragged along by March to do some window shopping and looking at some decorations she thought would fit her room. Managing to slip away from a moment to walk over to Dan Heng who was casually leaning against some nearby lamp post waiting whilst March was wandering around in a shop.
“Can’t keep up anymore?” Dan Heng asked, a hint of a snicker in his voice.
“This is like the millionth shop she’s been in…” I sighed while deciding to sit on top of the trash can that was next to the lamp post. “... and I’m getting hungry.” I pouted.
Sensing a stare I slowly glanced over to the raven next to me. “...what?” I asked carefully.
“You’re not gonna rummage through that bin you’re sitting on?”
“Nope! I already did that the other day!” I said proudly.
“How…” Dan Heng started, “Okay, let me ask, can you tell them apart?”
I stared at him briefly. “Of course! They all look different!”
Seeing how he looked down at the trash can then back up to me before letting out a heavy sigh. Right at that moment March came out waving to sign that she was done. Watching how Dan Heng walked over to talk to her about eating somewhere I glanced up towards the sun that was now at its highest point. Shaking my head slightly before walking up to them to join in on their conversation.
Walking for a little bit we managed to find a place that appeared to be some sort of family restaurant, judging from the amount of families that were sitting inside. It all felt somewhat hazy and in all honesty I wasn’t really that hungry. Maybe it was me keeping up the pretense that everything was still alright? I gazed out through the window watching the sky, squinting a bit from the brightness. The sun had now passed its peak.
“Hey Caelus you gotta taste this!” March said while nudging my side, bringing me back from my daze.
Studying the spoon she held up containing some of the parfait we had ordered earlier, taking the spoon in my mouth and the sweetness from the dessert was unbelievable. “It’s really good!”
“Right?” She smiled. “Although he won’t even try it…” a pout took place on her face.
I chuckled as I took the spoon from her, scooping up a bit of the parfait before holding out the spoon towards Dan Heng who was resting his chin on his hand. “Come on, try it!” I laughed. Noticing how the raven's eyes widened ever so slightly before politely rejecting it.
The way things hadn’t changed comforted me, the laughter and the one singular sigh. It hadn’t changed. Not yet at least.
Reminiscing how I always ran around digging through trash cans and dumpsters, showing off the random objects or sparkling knick-knacks. The way March would judge him but still taking pictures of it and how Dan Heng always grabbed a hold of my collar trying to drag me out of it.
Yes, as it always has been.
As we left the restaurant I stretched my arms out and started to look around, seeing a more open space down the street. I reached for Dan Heng’s hand and started to jog towards the open space with a huge fountain in the middle, it was a small park.
“March!” I yelled out as I kind of left her behind.
“You dummy! Don’t ditch me like that!” She scolded as she walked over towards us.
“Sorry about that” I laughed. “Can you please take a photo of me and Dan Heng here?” I asked, feeling my cheeks heating up a bit.
“Can do!” She smirked. “Ready?”
I pulled Dan Heng towards me and smiled, knowing I was probably blushing.
“I used the polaroid camera,” She started while looking at it to make sure it came out alright. “Here!” March held out the photo.
I let go of Dan Heng’s hand as I reached out to receive it, a bit nervous since I essentially had forced him into taking a photo with me. I looked at it for a long moment.
“Is it alright?” March asked curiously.
I nodded instead of answering, my heart was thumping loudly since I just realised the proximity we had in the photo. We were so close to the point our cheeks were almost touching and that wasn’t all… Dan Heng had a small smile in the photo.
Turning around as I held the photo close to my chest and with a smile I declared, “I will treasure this!”
Observing how Dan Heng crossed his arms before letting out a sigh, however there was a small smile playing on his lips.
From this point on everything felt faster and the sky slowly got darker and time went too fast for my liking, but what could I do? Time doesn’t wait for anyone after all…
We had backtracked since it was late afternoon and as we reached the town plaza again the locals had set up almost like a food market with different kinds of stalls. Be it drinks or food there were so many different ones.
“Is there some kind of festival going on?” I was a bit surprised, watching March already mingling around the stalls talking with the locals.
“If I remember they do this once a month.” Dan Heng answered before following her tracks to make sure we wouldn’t lose sight of her.
“...Just a bit more…” I thought as my chest tightened, trying to ignore the sensation I started to walk over to where the other two were currently standing.
“Caelus! These chicken skewers are delicious!” March said in a singsong voice as she ran up to me, almost shoving one into my face.
I took the skewer from her before taking a small bite as she took my hand and dragged me into the crowd. We went from stall to stall while trying things and having Dan Heng right behind us, being the guard as always, but in reality it was more like babysitting than guarding. The thought made me chuckle.
“It’s pretty late,” Dan Heng commented. “We should go back to the express”
My heart clenched at those words.
“It is!” March looked surprised as she was looking at her phone.
Reluctantly following behind them as I came to a halt next to the railing where I earlier had been standing, gazing at the ocean. Looking up to the sky not caring that I was falling behind. The twilight sky was painfully beautiful, the way it painted the sky in a fiery red colour.
“Caelus are you coming?” March yelled from a distance. “Hurry up! There’s always tomorrow as well!” She was waving her arm in big motions, beckoning me to come over. I couldn’t help but to hesitate for a second, looking up to the sky once more before jogging over to catch up.
“There is always tomorrow…” I thought as the sense of defeat settled inside me, although knowing what was waiting I could feel how a smile settled itself on my lips.
The walk was short and the closer we got to the express my emotions almost got the better off me. I felt how my heart wanted to spill everything but I had already decided this route, I had made up my mind but even so I wanted to tell him at least… I clenched and unclenched my fists before we entered the parlor car. I looked around seeing Himeko and Welt sitting a bit away, glancing at me, I gave a quick nod and a small wave as a goodnight before we walked into the passenger car.
“This is me!” March said with a small yawn.
“You’re already tired?” I snickered.
“Well unlike you” She huffed and pointed a finger on my chest. “I have photos to go through before bed”
I laughed and took a step back. “Got it, got it! Sweet dreams!”
“You too!” She giggled before turning around and started to walk back to her room. “Right! Don’t stay up too late you two!” March added with a smirk before closing her door.
I had no idea what she was on about but I glanced over to Dan Heng who wore a mixed expression. “You okay there?” I asked.
“Don’t worry about it”
“Alright then,” I smiled at him. “G’night!”
I turned around to go to my room which was right there, however I felt how a hand had grabbed a hold of my wrist and as I looked down, Dan Heng had stopped me. Bewildered, I looked up at him, his gaze was intense but there was also uncertainty in his eyes.
“Caelus…” his grip tightened ever so slightly before his hand softly moved down to hold my hand instead. A gentle squeeze.
I was beyond confused since there was no way this was happening right now… searching for anything that could tell me otherwise but the way Dan Heng’s ears were tinted red and how he avoided my gaze for a split second. Then there was that careful pull. I couldn’t take it, the answer was right there and I hated it but loved it at the same time. This is what I wished for… the person I loved was actually reciprocating my feelings…
Bittersweet.
I wanted to cry so badly, but why now? Why did this have to happen right now? I wanted to yell at the universe for being this unfair! I cast my gaze down at the hand still holding mine as I bit my lip so hard that I felt the taste of iron fill my mouth. This wasn’t fair… my eyes were burning, my throat was burning and all I could do was to push down the tears and the choked sobs that threatened to come out… I wanted to squeeze his hand back so much to the point it was unbearable.
Even so… I knew what I had to do, my wishes or what I wanted didn’t matter here and now.
I looked up with a bittersweet smile, from the bottom of my heart I wanted to convey my true feelings and I prayed that it did… even if my actions did the opposite.
Slowly letting my hand slip out of his as my mind was already set, I could feel my heart breaking as I did.
“...Cae?” The pure shock that was on Dan Heng’s face wasn’t what I expected nor that he would grip my hand once more in such a desperate way.
My lips quivered. “Why…? Please… don’t say my name with such a vulnerable voice… Please don’t look at me like that… please…” I gazed at the hand that was gripping mine, I couldn’t look up at him right now, my heart couldn’t take much more. I knew that there was something going on between us but I could never confirm if I was imagining things or not…
I gently placed my other hand on top of his, caressing it softly with my thumb before I carefully made him let go. There were too many unsaid words making me feel mournful.
“Thank you” I whispered so softly that I was unsure if he even heard me.
Trying my utmost to compose myself I looked up to meet his gaze, he looked pale… couldn’t blame him either since I was the cause of it… something that could have turned into a joyful moment turned into a heartbroken one instead. Yet I had to keep the act up… I tried to smile again but I knew it probably didn’t reach my eyes since I felt how they were tearing up. The moment I could feel my eyes tearing up Dan Heng’s expression turned perplexed but concerned at the same time…”that expression doesn't suit you…” I thought, although a part of me sensed that the raven could tell that something was wrong.
“I’ll see you tomorrow…” hearing my voice crack, I turned around without looking back, letting the door close behind me. The pain of simply leaving him there, alone in the hallway was the final straw.
Locking my door as I slid down to the floor, just waiting until I could hear his footsteps walk away before I pulled up my knees to my chest. Not sure for how long I sat there but I didn’t move until I felt my heart pound and a burning sensation filled my veins.
“Dammit” I gritted my teeth.
I struggled to come to a stand as the heat increased inside my body. Stumbling towards the window I put my hands on the windowsill, looking out towards the town. The sun was more or less gone and it had turned into dusk, the dark blue hue was overtaking the red one… I simply stood there watching until the red sky was more or less gone. The burning sensation grew more intense as the minutes passed.
I looked down at my hands, tear droplets gathering between them. My heart was in turmoil, I couldn’t make sense of what emotions I was currently feeling… The tears I had been holding back streamed down my cheeks unrelentingly. That’s when I noticed my tears were shimmering with gold particles. “Don’t tell me…” my breath hitched as I remembered the way Dan Heng had looked at me earlier. I tried to wipe my tears off my face but it was in vain.
I took a hold of the curtains and slowly closed them but for some reason I couldn’t really let go either… it felt like it was the only thing I could hold onto, my last life line… my knees hit the floor and still had that death grip on the fabric. “It hurts… it hurts… “
I gasped as the pain skyrocketed… it felt like my body was on fire but that wasn’t the worst, my heart felt like it was ripped to pieces…
“DAMMIT!”
Should I have told them? It was nothing but a gamble but I first realised what was going on when I first felt the heatwaves and pangs in my chest, like a timer. As if I could hear the ticking throughout my body. I don’t even know how I knew… It was most likely instinct.
I tried to get back up. I wanted to see him one last time… just one more time, but my knees buckled and I sat there on the floor gasping for air. It was my choice to not tell him about what was going on and I didn’t act on my emotions either since if something were to happen between us I wanted to spare him the pain that would come along. I simply hoped that maybe, just maybe, it would hurt less once they knew I would be gone by morning.
I rested my head against the footboard, staring at the door… “Maybe I shouldn’t have locked it?” I thought while reaching out towards the door. Terror and dread filled me as I saw my skin starting to glow gold. “No… no! NO! ”
“Please… I beg you…” I whimpered watching as my body slowly started to disintegrate.
My time was up and I knew it, there was so much more I wanted to do… I didn’t care if it meant I couldn’t have Dan Heng… I just wanted to be by his side… the regret of not being able to stay by everyone’s side in general made me sob involuntarily… but I had no choice but to resign to my fate…
“If only I could have kissed him at least once…” I whispered brokenly.
Most of my legs were gone at this point as I heard noises coming from outside my door. With tired eyes I watched the door… the sounds sounded so far away… my vision was slowly blurring.
The door flung open and my eyes went wide, although I couldn’t hear nor see properly anymore I recognised that silhouette anywhere. I saw how he screamed something, he appeared to be frantic but someone held him back… I couldn’t see who, but Dan Heng was fighting him and that’s when I finally heard a faint ‘let go’ and a ‘no’.
I felt a small chuckle bubbling up since I’ve never seen Dan Heng so uncomposed as he was right now. Glancing over to the drawer for a few seconds then back towards the door, everything felt like it was in slow motion but I was so tired.
“I only wanted more time with them…” I thought “...with him”
I smiled as I saw Dan Heng finally managing to get loose from whoever held him down. At that moment everything went pitch black.