Chapter Text
Anaxa never thought this would be how their relationship would play out.
He thought they would get married one day, tears in both of their eyes as they walked through the decorated venue, their friends and family watching over them as they walked to the altar. They would say their vows before they both ran off into the night, happy to spend the rest of their life with each other, living out their dreams. Maybe, later down the line, they would adopt a little boy or a little girl or both.
Not this.
Not the absentminded kisses like they were afterthoughts. The half-thought-out physical touches like they were obligations that had to be carried out. The hesitation before even doing anything, in fear that the other would get annoyed at their actions. Waking up to a cold bed, the other having left long ago, the warmth of their presence just a passing memory. They weren’t even mad at each. Perhaps just a lingering thought, before getting up for the day.
It was normal.
Missed phone calls became more prominent as they prioritized work over their crumbling relationship.
The messages that slowly stopped coming as often. Being ignored half the time.
They slowly got used to the other not being there.
They grew passive, too tempered in their schedule. They were no longer the person the other had fallen in love with.
When was the last time either of them said “I love you?” Anaxa couldn’t remember anymore.
When did they do something together simply because they wanted to, and not because they thought they had to?
It felt like ages ago when they last took each other on a surprise date or held hands and watched a silly movie just cause they wanted to.
Anaxa had no clue in the slightest when everything had changed so suddenly.
Everything felt stagnant, a chore carried out because they didn’t want to face the truth.
Each day, as time passed, it felt like a new wall was erected, with no ladder to climb over it and no doors for a key to even try.
They were supposed to be happy with each other. Not trying to force themselves to stay because they didn’t know of another option.
A hollow feeling was all that remained in their hearts instead of that once passionate, burning love.
Which was why he was here now. Standing before Phainon as he looked at him, curious as to what Anaxa had wanted.
Anaxa took in a deep breath. He had rehearsed what he had wanted to say in front of a mirror over and over again until he could say it in his sleep. He couldn’t afford to mess it up.
This was for the best. He was making the right choice.
He ignored the lingering thoughts that warned him to rethink his choices.
Anaxa couldn’t look Phainon in the eyes, couldn’t bring himself to. He was always too soft to phainon. He knew if he even caught a glimpse of that confused face, he would lose his composure entirely; his carefully maintained composure would fall apart. Closing his eyes, he quickly ripped out the band-aid.
“I think we need a break.”
“W-what?” Phainon could only stare at Anaxa in shock; this was not what he had expected. He had thought Anaxa had wanted to share some good news he had gotten from work, not this. Never this. This can't be real. This was a joke. Right? …right?
“It’s just, we’ve gotten stagnant. This feels like a routine, a duty we have because we fear the unknown.” Anaxa had tried to reason, but even he could see the faults in his argument. Still, he pushed on; if he stopped for even just a moment, he feared he would just crack and break down.
“You deserve better, someone better than me. I can’t give you the things you truly deserve.” He pushed out; the words clung to his throat, desperate not to be let out, but he forced them to. Every single word felt like a stab to the chest. He didn’t really want to say all this; he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Phainon. But he didn’t want to trap a star that would shine brighter without him to douse its flames. Still, he continued to delude himself about the opposite.
“But all I want is you. There’s no one else I want to spend my life with.” Phainon stepped closer, intending to grab Anaxa’s hand, to persuade him to think otherwise, but Anaxa stepped back. The hand that was raised out slowly retreated.
“Do you truly believe that?” Anaxa's voice grew weary, a solemn tone that showed his exhaustion, yet it increased in intensity as he rambled on.
“What about 10 years from now, when you resent me for all the years I’ve stolen from you? For stealing the years of your youth you could’ve spent somewhere else.” Phainon could only stay silent, as he sought ways to counteract what Anaxa had said. In truth, he didn’t know either.
“You act like you're years older than me when you aren’t, just give me another chance.” Phainon protested.
He didn’t know what the future would foretell.
How can he repair a bond that had long since frayed past repair?
Anaxa could only sigh to himself.
“It can be just for a little. We need to take some time away from each other. At this time, I think you should try with people your age. You should explore your options before making this choice.”
He forced a smile on his face, but it didn’t even try to reach his eyes. The hollow pain in his chest pierced his very soul. It didn’t seem to convince Phainon, who was still weary.
Phainon tried to find reasons to disprove it; he didn’t want to let Anaxa go. But seeing Anaxa’s defeated posture, like he was bearing the weight of the world, the words died down in his throat. A stone dropped within his stomach.
He didn’t know what he could say to convince Anaxa otherwise when he was already so resolute.
Maybe this break would be a good opportunity. Maybe they just need some space to breathe, and they would be okay again!
“But why?” Phainon couldn’t help but question. Even if their relationship had fallen into ruins, they could still try to relight the spark.
Anaxa pulled out a letter that he had hidden in his coat, handing it to Phainon without a word, who then went to open it. He noticed it was already ripped open, turning it over to check the receiver’s, only to be shocked to see his name staring back at him.
It was the letter he had hidden. How had Anaxa gotten his hands on it? He made sure to bury it in the back of their closet, never to be found.
“Because of this. Why didn’t you tell me about a promotion to your dream job? This is a once in a life time opportunity.”
Phainon’s words were barely a whisper, as if trying to hide from Anaxa, like fragile glass. “It required me to uproot my life from here. I didn't want to be away from you.”
Anaxa could only close his eyes as a response, his hands clenched against his side as his heart dropped. He never wanted Phainon to do this for him, for them. His tone matched Phainon, barely restrained anger in his tone, “Why would you give up this opportunity. I never wanted you to do this. I could’ve waited for you. No matter how long.”
“I think we both know you would be unhappy. I would never ask you to uproot your life for me.” Phainon shoots back. They both knew that it was the truth, even if they tried so hard to deny it.
It just wouldn’t work out in the end, even if they tried so hard to fight it, even if they tried to turn a blind eye.
Anaxa could only sigh again, exhausted down to the core, “I think it would be good for us to take a break away from each other.”
“Do you not love me anymore?” Phainon asked quietly. Phainon didn’t know how he would react to the truth; he didn’t want Anaxa to have stopped loving him. His tone grew desperate, reaching out to Anaxa despite it all. He clutched onto him, not letting go as if he would disappear right before his very eyes if he looked away for just a moment. “Can’t we just try to rekindle the spark? Give me another chance.“
“Just..don’t leave me.” He laid his head against Anaxa’s back, trying to persuade him to think otherwise. They could try again. More dates. Phainon would try to impress Anaxa just like he did when they first started dating. Just. He didn’t want Anaxa to leave. To leave him.
Anaxa only stayed silent, shaking off Phainon’s hold on him, stepping back, and yet finally facing him. Finally, looking at Phainon in the eyes. The tears he was trying so hard to keep from falling glimmered in the light, making his eyes shine like jewels. He could only somberly smile at Phainon as he tried to discreetly wipe away the tears that simply wouldn't stop falling. He tried to keep his voice stable as he voiced out his ultimatum.
“We both know that wouldn’t work. 6 years from now, if you truly still are willing to continue, then let's meet again as better people. If you haven’t met anyone by then, let’s get married.”
“So six years is how much time I have to wait to be with you again?” Phainon’s tone grew hopeful. He told himself it wouldn’t be that long before he could reunite with his lover’s arms. Just six years. Then he could finally make use of the ring that lay hidden within his drawers, kept locked away to be used one day.
“For now, focus on your dreams, meet new people. Don’t hold yourself back just because of me.” Anaxa finally let the tears flow, the pain in his chest overpowering him.
They both didn’t want this to happen, but it was for the better.
It had to be.
It hurt more that there were no arguments, no fights that had led to this point. They just stopped loving each other as much, had too many insecurities that blurred their relationship to something worse. The puzzle pieces that had once fit perfectly with each other just turned jagged.
Perhaps it was because it just wasn’t the right time, they would find each other again.
_____
It was hard living in the house alone.
Anaxa never knew how much Phainon left his presence in his house until after he left.
He thought he had lived with a ghost before, but now the house just felt empty, like a barren wasteland without hope. It hadn’t felt like a home in a while. And now it didn't feel like home at all.
Everywhere he looked, he could see a piece of Phainon still lingering, not letting go as if knowing how much Anaxa was affected by his absence.
There was no more clanging of pots and pans as Phainon worked his way through the kitchen. The space where the jar of protein powder usually lay on the counter seemed to taunt Anaxa, reminding him that Phainon wasn’t there anymore. The fridge that used to be so full of food and ingredients remained barren. Anaxa couldn’t find it in himself to buy more; it had always been Phainon’s job.
He couldn’t look at the living room where they used to lie on the couch as they watched movies, where they had danced around, imagining what it would be like in the future. When Phainon had shyly confessed to him of his feelings, worried Anaxa would reject him.
Half of the closet stayed empty, no longer bulging with clothes. Phainon had wanted to leave some of his clothes behind as a sort of memento for Anaxa to remember him by, to ease the pain, but he had refused, knowing how much harder it would be for him to let him go if he went through with it. Anaxa missed wearing some of those shirts he knew were too oversized for him, yet he still wore them because it made both of them happy.
It was painful trying to get used to the absence Phainon had left. He thought he had gotten used to a wisp of a person instead, while Phainon still was here, but it seems like he never did. Maybe he had deluded himself before, believing it would be alright in the end, but now, staring around his house, he had to accept that maybe it really was the end of everything.
Anaxa had encouraged Phainon to take the job even if it meant moving miles away from him, wanted him to live out his dreams instead of being shackled by Anaxa’s side, wondering what else he would like to pursue. Anaxa would never let Phainon dim his own light at the cost of being with him. Yet he didn’t know why he was mourning someone who was still living.
They still called each other even if Phainon was now miles away, and the differing time zones.
The breakaway from each other seemed to be a wake-up call for them both. They both realized what they could lose.
They found time in their schedules to talk about their days, up until the late hours before the other had to sleep. Anaxa listened to Phainon talk excitedly about a new artifact he had found on an excursion, while Phainon listened on as Anaxa rambled about his experiments.
It was nice, remembering the reasons why they had fallen in love with each other.
They started to do old habits that they had unconsciously stopped at one point.
Anaxa didn’t know when he had stopped painting during their relationship. There just wasn’t enough time. The motivation wasn’t there anymore. He spent hours staring at a blank canvas, colors in his palette, hoping that a moment of inspiration would hit and allow him to paint at least mere strokes, but it never happened. He just couldn’t bring himself to.
But after Phainon had left, he had more free time than he knew what to do with. No longer being bothered to go on excursions with Phainon. No longer being dragged away from his research.
He missed them, missed him.
Phainon took with him the painting Anaxa had made for them on their first anniversary.
He claimed it was to keep it as a keepsake, but Anaxa knew better than that, he wanted to keep it so he wouldn’t forget about Anaxa and like that selfish person he was, Anaxa had allowed for it, knowing the hollow feelings in their hearts would never heal.
He thought about calling Phainon more often; it was just the simple click of a button, but he restrained himself, fearing he would come off as clingy, fearing that Phainon would drop everything and come back to him.
Anaxa knew Phainon was getting used to their new normal more than he had. Living his best life out in Castrum Kremnos, meeting new people, building bonds.
He was happy for Phainon, knowing he would never be able to provide that for him.
He had gotten news from Phainon about how he started playing the guitar again, and had finally gotten inspiration to start playing. The guitar that Phainon had used to play him small melodies late into the night sat in a corner in his room, gathering dust. Phainon had fought with him to leave it behind, and like a fool, he agreed. He couldn’t bring himself to put it away, yet he couldn’t bear to look at it.
It was fine. The wound in his heart would slowly heal.
It was for the best, he kept on telling to himself. He would be content to get updates on Phainon’s life without being by his side. One day in the future, they would laugh about how silly everything was.
Their phone calls were the only thing keeping Anaxa’s sanity together. He never voiced out his regrets to Phainon, knowing he chose to do this.
_____
For the first two years, the phone calls were daily. They managed to find opportunities in their busy schedules. They were close confidants before and wouldn’t let breaking up ruin that for them. It was nice, being able to hear about the life the other was living. In a way, it still felt like they were right by each other’s sides still even if they were hundreds of miles apart.
But eventually, the periods they called started to get shorter and shorter as Anaxa became busier with experiments and reports, burying himself in work to not confront the loneliness he felt, while Phainon got sent to more places to excavate sites, attempting to ignore the hurt he still felt.
Daily calls went to every other day, then to weekly, bled to biweekly. And suddenly it went onto monthly calls before they just stopped calling each other altogether.
There were only occasional messages. Mundane things like wishing the other happy birthday or asking how the other had been. Small talk. Nothing to use as fuel to start a more meaningful discussion.
Late nights when he lay in the bed that was far too big for him, his phone screen open to Phainon’s contact, Anaxa lingered over the call button. It was the last thing that kept him in contact with Phainon. So why couldn’t he just call him instead of lingering over Phainon’s contact? Was it for fear of knowing he was no longer an important person in Phainon’s life? Did Phainon feel the same way as him? Wanting to call but not in fear of his response.
Anaxa didn’t know how he would react to finding out the answer; he didn’t want to know.
So he didn’t.
He threw it to the back of his mind, locked away behind the many doors he had raised throughout his life, chained, never to be seen again. He distracted himself in an attempt to take his mind off these thoughts. Picked up any task that seemed promising, threw himself into his work—something Hyacine and Castorice often pulled him away from. They never told him what Phainon was up to. Something he was grateful for, but also something that piqued his curiosity despite knowing it would only cause him more pain.
Was Phainon doing better than he was?
One month went by. Then two months. Then, six months flash by.
Suddenly, it had been a year since they lost contact with each other.
Anaxa tried his best to get rid of his thoughts. He had lived without Phainon before; he could do it again, but looking around his house, he could only keep thinking of Phainon. His presence never faded away, even if it had been years since he last set foot inside this house.
He tried to stay strong, believing the feelings would fade eventually, but they never did, instead burying themselves deep inside his mind.
He thought to himself that maybe he could wait it out, believing that at the end of the six years, Phainon would reunite with him.
He was a fool.
—--
It was during the fifth year that he got a call. Three years since they had lost contact. One more year until the ultimatum Anaxa had given them could be fulfilled.
It was the evening when he had gotten the call. He was lying on the couch, reading a book he had recently bought about dromas—even if most of it was already information he already knew, it couldn’t hurt to refresh his mind—when his phone began to ring.
At first, he thought it had been from either Hyacine or Castorice, calling to check on him after they kicked him out of his lab, had been resolute on ignoring it, figuring they would eventually realize and stop trying to reach out. But as the ringing continued to last, he reached out to silence the call, only to freeze when he saw the name.
Phainon
Why was he calling now?
He quickly stood up, frozen, staring at the contact name for a while before he eventually snapped out of it when the call picked right back up again. He didn’t know if he should’ve picked it up or not. He didn’t even know what to say to Phainon, how much he had changed since he lost contact. He had thought about letting it ring until Phainon had gotten tired and stopped.
But he answered anyway; his curiosity always got the better of him.
However, he soon learned to regret it.
“I’m getting married soon, and I want you to be one of my groomsmen.”
It was the first thing Phainon had said to him. There was no greeting, no small talk like asking how he’s been. Just a quick, nervous, blurted-out sentence like Phainon was afraid Anaxa would hang up, something Anaxa had thought about doing the moment he had heard, but he stopped himself before pressing the icon.
The silence rang between the two, deafening. Anaxa could only stare at the screen, clutching his phone as he processed the words said.
It felt like his world had shattered, something Anaxa had no right to feel. He had been the one to propose this, so what right did he have to feel upset?
Still, he stayed silent, waiting for Phainon to continue. However, the call remained without a sound, both of them knowing how fragile the moment was.
Just when Anaxa was supposed to hang up, Phainon suddenly spoke out.
“Anaxa? Are you still there?”
Anaxa had realized he never responded to Phainon’s question; the only sound that could be heard from him on the other line was his heavy, ragged breathing as he tried to internalize everything. He didn’t want to break down in front of Phainon, trying to compose himself as best as possible before answering in a short, clipped voice, lying, “Yes, I was just shocked at such an honor. Send me the details later.”
He quickly hung up after, not knowing if he could keep up the mask, not wanting to hear anymore about Phainon’s whereabouts. He knew Phainon would try to ask him about what just happened later, but at the moment, he couldn’t find himself caring about the consequences.
He just wanted to be left alone as he internalized everything; he couldn’t ruin the mood at Phainon’s big day—he wouldn’t let himself when he had already broken Phainon’s heart first.
Anaxa collapsed on the nearby couch—something they had bought together, something Anaxa thought about selling after the breakup—in a desolate mood, wondering what had happened in the years they had lost contact. His phone cluttered against the tabletop.
When had Phainon met this mysterious person? Anaxa couldn’t help but wonder if Phainon had met this person early on, during the first few months since he had moved, yet had hidden it from Anaxa in fear of his reaction.
Was he that untrustworthy?
Maybe their breakup had made Phainon lose his trust in Anaxa.
He knew Castorice and Hyacine still kept in contact with him, yet never told him about details regarding Phainon after the two had lost contact with each other—something he was grateful for, but at the same time, it gave him no answers.
His curiosity always got the best of him. He knew finding out would only hurt him further, and that he had no right to know about Phainon’s love affairs, but he just had to find out despite it all.
Sitting up, he hovered over the phone, debating with himself whether he should really call them. He opened Hyacine’s contact. The two should be hanging out with each other currently.
But did he really want to know?
He sighed to himself, dropping the phone on the table as he once again fell back on the couch, an arm covering his eyes. He didn’t want to bring Castorice and Hyacine into their problems; they had already walked eggshells around them at the beginning of their breakup.
He would have to prepare his outfit for the wedding and take time off. Hyacine and Castorice were surely invited so he wouldn’t have to notify them of his absence, but the others…
Anaxa dreaded when he would have to do that; they’d only look at him in pity when finding the reason behind his time off. Ask too many questions, pestering him even when he refused to answer. Hovering over him in false worry.
The fool that he was.
To come to his ex’s wedding when Anaxa so clearly still had lingering feelings for said ex.
It was only self-harm at that point, but Phainon had done so much for Anaxa that he didn’t want to miss such a special occasion—even if he thought it would’ve been with him one day instead of another person.
He knew about the ring that was hidden away in their drawers despite Phainon’s best attempts to keep Anaxa in the dark. Anaxa had accidentally found out about it while trying to find one of Phainon’s shirts to wear. Tucked away in a hidden corner underneath everything. Anaxa had stood there in shock, but it had been the final push that made Anaxa determined to end their relationship, not wanting Phainon to trap himself in this now loveless relationship.
Perhaps this would be the final step for Anaxa to finally let go of Phainon, knowing that there was no other chance that somehow, Phainon would come running up to his door and surprise Anaxa with his arrival, hugging him as Phainon excitedly told him what he had done and seen in Castrum Kremnos.
One last look before he let go of his feelings and closed this chapter of his life that had long since begged him to close and leave behind, yet he never did, trying to deceive himself of the fact that the moment Phainon walked out of that door, he would never come back.
Just one last look.
It was funny how Anaxa had been the one to end their relationship, yet couldn’t bear to close this chapter of their story.
One more look before, and it would all be over.
___________
Getting time off from the lab was surprisingly easy—suspiciously easy—no inquiry on what he would do during that time off. Perhaps Hyacine and Castorice already knew of his invitation beforehand and sought to make it easier on him to deal with the preparations, knowing his fragile state of mind.
How pathetic of him if they did it for him.
No matter, he tried not to think too much about it.
They were just trying to be nice, he kept on telling himself; they didn’t think less of him in any way. They had stuck around him when the loneliness got to him, providing him company even if he didn’t think he deserved it, and for that, he would be forever grateful.
At least that was now out of the way and without unneeded pestering regarding his plans, Anaxa didn’t know if he could calmly tell of his plans without his emotions overtaking him.
The days before the wedding were like a ticking time bomb.
The thought of it only saddened Anaxa, torturing him on the inside. Castorice and Hyacine stayed right by his side, knowing of his lingering feelings yet never speaking about it. They didn’t need to; they could already see it from Anaxa’s body language and expressions. Inside, he was hurting, and he needed someone to help provide the soft fall from grace he’d surely endure. They would provide that company even if Anaxa tried to push them away for themselves, and as Phainon’s last wish.
Packing up his stuff and booking the hotel was done in a haze. Anaxa couldn’t remember any of the details. It was like his mind sought to protect him from everything and unconsciously did it.
He packed a small carrier, not believing he'd stay any longer after the wedding was finished, if he could get through it to stay for long enough. He didn’t trust himself not to accidentally cause a scene, so maybe he would only stay for a short while before slinking off to the darkness, never to be seen again.
Anaxa would arrive a few days before the actual ceremony to practice the rehearsal. He would have to find ways to avoid Phainon, or rather, avoid being in a room alone with him. He didn’t want to hear about anything Phainon would say; he would only say something he would regret later on—something Phainon didn’t deserve in such a happy event.
A script of what he would say to Phainon was rehearsed over and over again until Anaxa could say it in his sleep. How funny Anaxa had to do it in the first place when, in the beginning, he knew Phainon like the back of his hand, knowing all of his quirks, worries, and interests. But now, he can only wonder how much Phainon had changed. How both of them had changed over the years.
Everything that they have bought together would be sold. The house already had a potential buyer; Anaxa could sell the house. Anaxa couldn’t look at the house anymore. He didn’t know why he didn’t move away when Phainon had first moved. Maybe he had wanted to hold on to any lingering ties he still had, deluding himself into answers he couldn’t accept the truth of.
Did Phainon know how much he ruined Anaxa as a person? To go back on everything he believed in just for him?
It mattered not anymore.
Their paths had long since separated, and Anaxa would have to let go of the frayed threads he so desperately clutched onto.
____
The venue was beautifully decorated, which was the first thing Anaxa had thought as he attended the recital. He could see the aspects Phainon would constantly talk to him about, telling him details how what he wanted their dream wedding to have, now it was here with another person, someone that was not Anaxa.
The small wheat additions among the flower arrangements, the small subtle but clashing details of yellow and purple bannisters, and the cozy aspects of the overall wedding. It was something small, meant for only family and friends—the most important people in Phainon’s and his spouse’s lives. All aspects of Phainon Anaxa could decipher.
Anaxa guessed that perhaps Phainon had not changed that much after all these years.
However, there were also details that Anaxa couldn’t imagine Phainon pitching in, like the colorful tablecloths and lighting that suited each other quite well—something the mysterious spouse must’ve done.
Anaxa wondered when Phainon would introduce them to him. He wanted to see the person who had taken Phainon’s heart, but at the same time, he wanted to avoid them. He was merely a witness at the wedding, and that was all before he could finally close this chapter of his life and leave everything behind him.
He looked around, taking the grand spectacle in, knowing this would be the time we would be able to see such an occasion. There, he saw in the corner of his eye, Phainon coming towards him, leading another person with him, and along the way, people occasionally stopped them, seemingly congratulating them. Ah, so that was the mysterious spouse that Phainon neglected to introduce to him.
Phainon seemed to notice the stare, looking at him straight in the eyes, but Anaxa quickly averted his, scanning the crowd for anyone he could recognize, but he couldn’t find anyone.
Castorice and Hyacine must’ve left around some time before; he couldn’t find them anywhere, no matter how hard he looked. Sighing to himself, Anaxa resigned himself to having to talk to Phainon, seeing as there was no other way he could avoid it.
Seeing Phainon and his spouse get closer and closer towards his direction, Anaxa had to accept his fate. He took a deep breath in, closing his eyes, trying to prepare himself to talk to Phainon for the first time, face to face in five years, not longer, through a phone, but then he saw a large shadow cast over him.
He opened his eyes to see who had stood in front of him, shocked to see who it was. Khaslana, Phainon’s older brother, stared down at Anaxa’s face; the worry was apparent in his eyes. He lifted a hand, as if trying to console Anaxa, but just as quickly put it down, thinking better of his decision.
Anaxa could only turn away from the sight of him. This was utterly humiliating, having to go to his ex’s wedding, attending as one of his groomsmen, and now having his older brother standing right before him, the very one he had rejected years ago. But at least Khaslana’s presence drove Phainon away.
“What are you doing here?” Anaxa muttered. He tried to look around for a way to escape from this situation, but still couldn’t find anything. He left out a breath in frustration, cooling himself off before looking at Khaslana’s face.
“What do you mean? Why am I here? This is my brother’s wedding after all.” Anaxa could tell Khaslana was purposefully obtuse just to screw with him.
Anaxa could only give him a slight glare, “You know what I am talking about.”
Khaslana could only chuckle at him, which only annoyed Anaxa more, but his eyes softened, something Anaxa didn’t know what to do with.
“I just wanted to check up on you.” However, Anaxa could tell there was something more to it, so he waited, not giving a response, only an acknowledgement in the form of a slight nod that, if you blinked, it would be missed.
After a brief period of silence, during which they were both at a standstill, Khaslana finally cracked. He seemed rather nervous to tell Anaxa something that was very unlike him, but still, Anaxa stood there, waiting for Khaslana’s response.
In a timid and quiet voice, Khaslana grabbed onto Anaxa’s hand and said something that only made Anaxa’s eyes widen, backing away from him in disbelief.
“I still love you. I’ve always been waiting.”
Anaxa had never expected such a sentiment, having long thought Khaslana might’ve moved on after all the years since his rejection, but it seems not.
He didn’t know why Khaslana had bothered. He could’ve found anyone else in the years that had passed; there were plenty of fish in the sea that begged for even a slight glance from him, so why did he choose to cling to his feelings? He should’ve let go of them long ago.
Anaxa was not worth it.
Anaxa shook Khaslana’s hold on him away; Khaslana reluctantly let go. Yet Anaxa could tell Khaslana wanted to reach out again, but didn’t, out of respect for Anaxa’s wishes. Anaxa clung to himself; this was not what he was expecting when he arrived at the rehearsal.
“Why…” He didn’t want to believe he was worth loving anymore; he swore off it with the news of Phainon’s marriage. It just wasn’t for him, yet his heart clenched at the sight of Khaslana.
“This is not an appropriate topic when we’re nearing the time of your brother’s wedding.”
He slowly backed away from Khaslana, now determined to leave this place. Screw the damn recital, he would apologize to Phainon later, maybe get him a gift to make it up to him. He just couldn’t deal with everything today. He knew the day would be eventful, but not to this intensity.
How funny it was for Khaslana just to take everything and turn it upside down. Once upon a time, he would’ve laughed, joked around with him, but now he couldn't bear to. There was too much history between them that prevented Anaxa from reaching out. He wouldn’t let the same fate happen with Khaslana.
“You were always worth waiting for.”
He ignored the words Khaslana tried to say to him, muffling his ears and turning a blind eye to what he saw in the corner of his eyes. He friskily walked away, careful not to bump into any of the distracted guests who were mingling among themselves. He thought he had passed by Phainon, but didn’t know.
All he knew was that he had to get out pronto. He could feel the slight sting from the tears he was trying to keep from falling down his face.
He didn’t stop walking until he got out of the venue. Right foot then left foot, repeating it over and over again until he reached the door.
He collapsed as soon as he got out, using the nearby wall as a place to lean on, curling up to make himself small. He didn’t care about the audience outside that would be given privy to his impending breakdown. He didn’t know half the guests and wasn’t interested in getting to know anyone; he would never see any of them again.
So just for once, he finally let his tears silently fall, the ones he had held back all these years because he had no right to be upset. But at this point, he didn’t care anymore. He had never been one to bring attention to his distress, so why would he start now? It would be alright to be upset, surely?
When all of this was over, he could just freshen up, hiding any of the evidence that showed he had tears rolling down his face.
The tears continued to fall, no matter how hard he had wiped them away. Each swipe was just replaced with another flood. It felt like a dam had broken, and it would take years for it to be repaired. He couldn’t stop it.
“Are you okay?” A voice suddenly rang out, closer to him than he was comfortable with. He hadn’t expected anyone to come up to him, but he figured it was bound to happen given his distress.
His head shot up out of the place where he hid it, surprised to see a blond man standing right in front of him, a handkerchief in his hand that was pointed at Anaxa, worry in his eyes at a complete stranger’s distress.
Anaxa could only stare at the handkerchief, but after a brief pause where the man realized what Anaxa was waiting for. He simply gestured to Anaxa to take it.
“Take it, it seems like you needed it more than me.”
Anaxa slowly lifted his hand, inching it closer as if waiting for the man to rethink his decision and take it back. But it never happened.
He ended up with a red handkerchief with golden details, worn throughout the years, but it was signs that showed it was lovingly cared for. It was a shame it was reduced to something Anaxa had to use to damping and help wipe away his tears, but the man hadn't minded, more concerned over Anaxa’s well-being.
In a hoarse voice, he could only say, “Why?” He didn’t understand this stranger’s mindset, to be outside when festivities were happening inside the venue, to help this stranger whom he had never met before, and truly wouldn’t see again.
The man seemed to think about it for a second, simply saying, “Because you needed it again.” Before looking at the garden again with its multitude of flowers.
What a strange man.
Anaxa wiped away the last of his tears with the cloth; his body had run out, unable to produce any more. He turned to give it to the man, wanting to thank him for his act of kindness, but the man only shook his head and simply turned it down, waving it away.
“Keep it. I told you, you needed it more than I do.”
With that, Anaxa put it away in his coat pocket, getting up and dusting himself up before staring at what the man was staring at in his line of vision.
A brief period was tranquil silence sat in the air, somehow Anaxa hadn’t felt uncomfortable in the slightest in the other’s presence, he somehow provided a sense of comfort to Anaxa.
They simply stood close to each other, content with the ambience that was created. But that moment was shattered when Anaxa realized how late it had gotten.
“I need to go back to my hotel now.” He was about to leave when the man grabbed onto his hand.
“I don’t think you should be going home alone. Let me drive you back.” Anaxa was at first reluctant, not wanting to get closer to a total stranger, but decided to go along with his whims. The man had decided to comfort him, with he didn’t need to, so Anaxa would humor him.
“What’s your name?” On the walk to the car, Anaxa had realized he had not gotten the name of the person who decided to help him out, nor did the man offer his name.
The blond simply chuckled, not saying a word, only gesturing for Anaxa to get into the passenger seat, which he abided by, but his curiosity didn't wane; instead, it strengthened at his response.
“I’ll tell you when we arrive at your hotel.”
With that, Anaxa’s curiosity was swelled for now, deciding his next course of action was to watch the scenery outside as the car moved. He had been here, but it had been a long time ago; it was nice to see how things had changed.
Before he knew it, they were already at the hotel, and Anaxa could see the entrance rapidly approaching. It didn’t feel like any time had passed; if he were to be honest, the car ride had quelled him. The soft music rang around as the two sat in a comfortable silence.
The car stopped outside. Anaxa took it as his cue to leave, but before he did, he turned to the blond, waiting for an answer to the question he had asked.
“Mydei.” He chuckled to Anaxa, “You really are persistent with knowing my name.”
Anaxa froze. He knew that name from Phainon’s ramblings. He was Phainon’s best friend, but most importantly.
His best man.
This day couldn't have gotten any worse.
______
The ceremony passed in the blink of an eye. Anaxa dissociated through the whole thing, unable to watch without his emotions overtaking him.
It was a beautiful wedding, everything Phainon had wanted and more. At least this would forever be one happy moment for Phainon without Anaxa’s gloomy presence.
He stayed for a little longer than he had planned to, wanting to see how everything would play out. He was happy that the smile that had dimmed during their relationship was back and beaming brighter than ever here.
The spark that had dimmed shone anew.
He saw everything he wanted to see now; nothing was holding him back anymore. All he had come here for was to see if Phainon was truly happy with his decision. That was all he wanted.
He slinked away from the bustling crowd, drunk from the festivities and celebrations that were happening. He made sure to avoid the two who surely would be looking for him. He was in no mood to be accosted as of now. He just wanted to leave this place and never look back.
He had almost made it to the door without anyone’s notice when a voice suddenly rang out, startling him from his escape mission.
“I’m never going to see you again, aren’t I?”
Anaxa didn’t turn around; he didn’t need to. They’d both known the answer. There was no longer anything shackling them to each other. They both had made new paths for themselves.
Anaxa let out a small, wet chuckle, trying to maintain his failing composure. He tried so hard to keep them from breaking out, but it was not a surprise that Phainon had managed to break open those doors he had tried to keep under lock and key. He opened his mouth to say something, anything to convince Phainon otherwise, but closed it a moment later, realizing he wouldn’t be able to say anything without breaking down.
Anaxa chose not to say anything, continuing to walk out of the venue without a word. He didn’t look back. All Phainon could do was watch, seeing as Anaxa’s figure got farther and farther before going back inside, to the rest of the festivities, to the new life he had made for himself, without Anaxa.
Their paths had long since diverged, no matter how hard they tried not to let it happen.
I hope you are happy in this new life. Live and remember to always smile, even through thick in thin. I believe in your future endeavors, Phainon. Good luck and be happy.
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