Chapter Text
May 1, 2016
6:14 PM/18:14
sweet potato: um...is this oikawa-senpai?? daichi-san gave me your skype because i wanted to ask you about your serve, and for tips on my own...if that’s okay...
aliens exist: who is this
sweet potato: oH MY GOD I'M SORRY I FORGOT TO INTRODUCE MYSELF I'M YAMAGUCHI TADASHI AND PLEASE DON'T HATE ME I JUST WANNA BE A GODO SERVER LIKE YOU
aliens exist: oh~ the karasuno pinch server! youre a cute kid. yeah i’ll give u some tips!
sweet potato: uh, thank you very much oikawa-senpai! you won't regret it!!!
aliens exist: i hope ur right tbh bc i'm putting off watching attack on titan to help you
sweet potato: I’M VERY SORRY I’LL MAKE THIS WORTH YOUR WHILE!!!!
aliens exist: what a cutie~ (o´ω｀o) i just wanna kiss ur cheeks, youre so adorably determined!!
sweet potato: uhhh, thank you oikawa-senpai?? I think?
aliens exist: dont worry bubba it was a compliment
sweet potato: oh okay thanks then!!
[cut for boringness of oikawa giving yamaguchi a few tips]
aliens exist: and so you see, yama-chan, that’s why it’s better to step out with your left foot, elbows tucked in when you go into jump!!!
sweet potato: thank you so much oikawa-senpai!!!
aliens exist: not a problem, yama-chan! youre cuter than armin, so i had fun teaching you!
aliens exist: now compliment my teaching skills, yama-chan! ＼(●~▽~●)
sweet potato: uh, you’re a very good teacher, oikawa-senpai!! I learned a lot from you today! I’m sure this’ll help me
aliens exist: i'm the best, aren’t I? flatter me, yama-chan !
sweet potato: uhh yeah sure
aliens exist: now i have to go and do homework, but we can talk tomorrow~ see ya yama-chan ＼(*^▽^*)/
sweet potato: oh yeah see ya oikawa-senpai!!!
May 2, 2016
11:08 PM/23:08
aliens exist: yaam-chhan, arre you awarke?
sweet potato: um yes?? Oikawa-senpai whats wrong??? are you ok??
aliens exist: yAMACHAN ME AND IWACHAN GPT INTO A FIGGHT AND I'M SAD
sweet potato: um, what did you guys fight about? what’s the main reason youre sad? is it because you fought or did he say something??
sweet potato: oikawa-senpai?
sweet potato: are u there????
aliens exist: sorry yama-chan~! I’m fine now! iwa-chan apologized! ヽ(^◇^*)/ now go to bed!! Young kouhai needs sleep!!
sweet potato: oh okay!! im glad u feel better, I’ll talk to you soon
sweet potato: and uhh, you go to bed too!
aliens exist: yeah, yeah, whatevs!! see ya, yama-chan! (o´ω｀o)
May 6, 2016
10:58 AM/10:58
aliens exist: yama-chan do u believe in aliens
aliens exist: pplese
aliens exist: i need u to say yes to prove it to iwa-chan
aliens exist: tHAT I'M NOT THE ONLY BELIEVER
aliens exist: ppLESAE YAMACHAN I KNOW ITA SCHOOL HOURS BUT I NEED YOU TO I HAVE FIVe min tues befroe he gets to pour water down my ppatns if no one agrees with me
sweet potato: OMG
sweet potato: yES I BELIEVE IN ALIENS
sweet potato: ALIENS ARE REAL
sweet potato: I'M SORRY I DIDN'T SEE THIS EARLIER ARE YOU OK
aliens exist: oh thank goodness yamachan!!! I almost lost the bet!
aliens exist: thank you very much~ ヽ(〃＾▽＾〃)ﾉ
sweet potato: glad I could help! but i gotta go now, have to write math notes…. Talk to you lateedfgrojidgev
aliens exist: yama-chan??
aliens exist: yAMA-CHAN DID U GET CAUGHT I'M SO SORRY (*´д｀*) FORGIVE ME
sweet potato: Is this the annoying setter from Seijou?
aliens exist: aNNOYING? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU??
sweet potato: Someone who knows Yamaguchi more than you.
sweet potato: I suggest you cease texting Yamaguchi in class. He almost got caught because of you. Luckily, I took his phone before the teacher seen it.
aliens exist: llok here,,, yama-chan is one of my best friends! he loves me! (╹◡╹)凸 now take your jealousy somewhere else and scram
sweet potato: Considering I’ve been Yamaguchi’s best friend for several years, you sound like an idiot. I am not jealous, I quite frankly have nothing to be jealous over, and you sound as stupid as Hinata with your baseless accusations and statements.
sweet potato: And I honestly doubt that Yamaguchi loves you.
aliens exist: meet up at sakura park garden today at 4:30 and I’ll beat your ass! ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ
sweet potato: No thanks.
sweet potato: Bye now, Oikawa-senpai. Have a nice day.
sweet potato: OMG OIKAWASENPAI I'M SO SORRY THAT WWAS TSUKKI HES A BIT OF A BAD EGG DON'T BE INSULTEDO R OFENDED
aliens exist: do u love me, yama-chan?
sweet potato: well uh, I just met you so uh
aliens exist: I see ಥ_ಥ
sweet potato: bUT I DO THINK YOURE A VERY NICE PERSON AND SOMEONE I WOULD LOVE TO BE BETTER FRIENDS WITH
sweet potato: pls don't hate me or leave it’s just hard for me to love ppl bc i'm kinda closed off
aliens exist: yama-chan, your lucky your so cute! (●´ω｀●)
sweet potato: *you’re, *you’re
aliens exist: nvm i take it back
sweet potato: nO I'M SIRRY OIKAWA-SENPIA THAT WAS DISRESPECTIFL OF ME I APOLOFZE I'M SORRTY
sweet potato: i WONY EVER COREDCT YOU AGAIN OM SORRRY
aliens exist: u apologize alot, yama-chan
sweet potato: yeah my therapist said its bc my anxiety and when i yhink i offend someone i'm not super close to i kind of panic a lot and keep apologizing bcus i don't wnna see mrude
sweet potato: my cousin is like this as well
sweet potato: but yeah sorry
aliens exist: well then yama-chan, i guess u’ll jsu t have to get closer to me
sweet potato: does this mean we’re friends?? like more than acquaintances!!! thank u oikawa-senpai I won't let u down!!!
aliens exist: I thought we were already friends, yama-chan :(
aliens exist: and you won't be letting me down~!
sweet potato: ty oikawa senpai but I have to go now and to get to art class!! I'll talk to u later!!
aliens exist: okay bye yama-chan (“3”)
sweet potato: srry if this is rude oikawa-san but thats a shitty emoji
aliens exist: !!! :( its because i didn;t copy paste it!!
sweet potato: i thought so bc ur usual emoticons are like 10/10
aliens exist: ty! I work hard to find the right ones! ≧◡≦
sweet potato: well bye now oikawa-senpai!!
aliens exist: see ya yamachan~!
May 7, 2016
12:02 PM/12:02
sweet potato: hey…oikawa-senpai… if i asked u a question, would u respond honestly?
aliens exist: of course yama-chan!! what’s wrong? ‘︿’
sweet potato: is it wrong to like both boys and girls? to be bisexual and to not be able to “choose”?
aliens exist: alright who told you that shit
aliens exist: i'm pISSED
aliens exist: what’s their name i'm gonna sic my fangirls on them over fb
aliens exist: ur perfect the way u r yama-chan and its perfectly ok to be bisexual!!!
sweet potato: oikawa-senpai, thank u!!!
sweet potato: also it was my older brother…. he’s already graduated college and lives somewhere in kyoto, but he visited with his gf and they both kind of made me feel like shit for liking both genders… i guess i'm over it now because ur words, so thank u oikawa-senpai!! ヽ( ´ ∇ ｀ )ノ
aliens exist: yAMA-CHAN DID YOU HJUST USE AN EMOTICON THIS IS HTE BEST DAY OF MY LIIFE
aliens exist: also what’s ur brother and his girlfriend’s names? I need them for purely innocent reasons
sweet potato: oikawa-senpai cyberbullying them isnt the answer
aliens exist: what?? who said I would cyberbully them?!
aliens exist: now come on yama-chan hand their names over i'm waiting╰(◡‿◡✿╰)
sweet potato: no
sweet potato: fudanshi will somehwo figureout i told someone wjat he said and then he’ll call me and yell at me
aliens exist: thank u for the name tadashi-chan~
aliens exist: and dw i got this he won't ever figure out u told any1
sweet potato: tadashi-chan??
sweet potato: r we on tht level of friendship alredy oikawa-senpai??
sweet potato: not that u cant call me that!!! just wondering!!
aliens exist: ur so cute yama-chan u make me wana eat u up (ﾟヮﾟ) and i'm gonna be switchign between names bc its funner!
sweet potato: thnk u oikawa-senpai i think also okay!!
aliens exist: dw it was a compliment tada-chan!!! mwah (o´ω｀o)
aliens exist: now i have to go, teaching some kids the volleyball basics~! wish me luck!!
sweet potato: good luck oikawa-senpai!
[two hours later]
aliens exist: rOTTEN SNOT NOSED BRATS I SWEAR TO FUCK I'M OGING TO KILL THEM
aliens exist: frist they tAKE MY BAG
aliens exist: EPMTY IT OUT
aliens exist: THROW M YHOUSE KEYS SOMEWHER
aliens exist: OPEN UP AND DUUMP ALL OF MY ENERGY DRINKS
aliens exist: AND THEN THEY OPN MY WALET AND PUT THEIR STIKY AND GROSS AND DISGUSTING KID HANDS ON MY PICTURE OF IWA-CHAN
aliens exist: I’M GONNA KILL THEM
aliens exist: I'M GNNA TEAR THEM LIMB BY LIMBB UNTIL THEYRE SECREAMING IN PAIN
aliens exist: AND THEN I'M GONNA LAUGH
aliens exist: and you know what the best part is gonna be
aliens exist: i'm gna get ti se ethem cRY
aliens exist: i'm gonna break them
aliens exist: but i have 2 do this next weak because my shift w/ them is over
sweet potato: o my ogd i'm so sorry waht happened please odnt kil the children oikawa-senpai
aliens exist: jsut you tRY AND STOP ME
sweet potato: you can't play volleybllal cpmepetetively in jail
aliens exist: wh o the f u c k cares
sweet potato: yuo
sweet potato: i thnik
sweet potato: but plz oikawa-ssenpai dont kill the children
aliens exist: but tada-chan they are revoltign vile CREATUTES THAT NEED TO NE DESTEYOROYED
sweet potato: theyre just kids
aliens exist: ya well theyre demonic
sweet potato: just make them train rlly hard or passive aggressively hurt their feelings
sweet potato: im kidna woreidnd about you oikawa-senpai because ur being more blood thirnsty thatn normal ans youre not being ur usual charmin self amd tis kidna making me spazz and tryype bad
aliens exist: sighhhh
aliens exist: your right yama-chan i nede to xalm down
sweet potato: deep breaths
sweet potato: just imagine how heartbroken the kids’s parents would be if they found their children murdered
aliens exist: sotp yuore makeing me fele guilty
sweet potato: oh sorry!
sweet potato: have u founde everytihng they took from u yet?
aliens exist: no im stil lookign form my kets
sweet potato: check in bushes if htheres any there??
aliens exist: good thinking tada-chan!!
aliens exist: ty yama-chan~! Its been 20 mins btu i found them!
sweet potato: ah, i'm glad oikawa-senpai!
sweet potato: but if i can ask, why r u teacching kids volleyball??
aliens exist: becuz! they’re gonna learn to adore me! nd ill have an arnmy one day! to get back at iwa-cahn for using all my money on his stupid godzilla merch!!!
sweet potato: one time i took tsukkis money and bought 2000 yen worth of gumballs
sweet potato: he sitill thingks it was his brother
aliens exist: yAMA-CHAN YOU SLy litle sneak i am a proud dad
sweet potato: but i still feel guilty about it!!!! what if he finds out and gives me The Look™ oh god id feel ashamed and want to die because only people who royally piss him off get that look! and ive only gotten it a few times!!!
aliens exist: arent u dating him tho
sweet potato: wAHT I NO
aliens exist: wsit what i thouhgt u were boning him
sweet potato: NO NO IM NOT DATINF TSUKKI HESMY BESDT FRIEND AND HES DATINF KUROOSAN
aliens exist: ok,,,, that sounds fake but ok,,,,
sweet potato: OIKAWA-SENPAI I CNAT BELIVE YOU
sweet potato: and besidess, i like sm1 else……
aliens exist: tadashi-chan i am flattered but my heart belongs to iwa-chan
sweet potato: oiKAWA-SENPAI YOU ARE CAUSING ME SEN-PAIN ITS NOT YOU
sweet potato: he is a setter though
aliens exist: can we play the guessing game?!?!
sweet potato: no
aliens exist: aww! (◕︵◕) ur no fun!
sweet potato: im still not telkihn
aliens exist: but we’re suppsoed to be best friends yamachan don't you trusr me???
sweet potato: well ya but what if someone reads these messages? then theyll knw and i don't want anyone to knw because the guy i like probably doesn't even knwo i exist….
aliens exist: i know! then we video call!
sweet potato: okay! when do u wanna??
aliens exist: i’ll call u in ten mins okay~?
sweet potato: yeah yeah sure!
[incoming call from aliens exist]
[Call accepted.]
Yamaguchi turned on his camera and audio as he saw Oikawa, with earbuds in and probably walking into his room or house, using Skype on his phone. “Yama-chaaaan! It’s so good to see your face!” Oikawa said cheerfully as he closed his door. The camera blurred a bit before becoming clear again and showing Oikawa’s face.
“H-Hello, Oikawa-senpa-” Yamaguchi began to say, slightly nervous, but Oikawa interrupted him before he could finish.
“Nuh-uh. Nope. No. You are not gonna be stiff around me- and no, I don’t mean inside your pants, Yama-chan-, you’re going to be relaxed, okay? We’re super best friends so you have to be yourself around me!” Oikawa declared, his chest puffing up like a cat’s would as he held up a determined thumbs up to Yamaguchi.
Yamaguchi laughed, his eyes closing from the force of it. He couldn’t really help it, though- ever since he was little, he had laughed when he was nervous to get the butterflies away, and although he couldn't laugh in a bully’s face because he was terrified and about to piss his pants (also he’d get the shit beat out of him and maybe his throat would be destroyed so he wouldn’t be able to laugh), he figured Oikawa would relish in having someone think he was amusing.
And he was right. Oikawa got a prideful look on his face, and ran his fingers through his meticulously styled hair with a smirk. Yamaguchi kind of thought that Oikawa would be saying something along the lines of ‘laugh it up, yama-chan! flatter me!’ in his mind.
“Alright, Oikawa-senpai,” Yamaguchi said, his laughter having died down. Oikawa smiled, and it was a smile that looked like a playful type of viciously determined.
“Now, Yama-chan, who’s your crush?!” He blurted out excitedly. Yamaguchi sighed from his position in his desk chair, and contemplated closing the laptop like a wuss and going to bed (at like, 3:30 pm), but ultimately decided that he should tell Oikawa, lest he accidentally leave the older boy so curious that he shows up at Karasuno and loudly demands to know who his setter crush is and makes Kageyama think it’s him, or maybe even Sugawara, and-
“Uh,” He replies. “Uh.”
“C’mon, c’mon, Yama-chan! You can say it!” Oikawa encouraged him. From what Yamaguchi could see, Oikawa was clutching his fists and doing the whole ‘raise them up and down’ thing that people usually do when cheering people on at sports games.
But hey, it was Oikawa, and he does stuff like this all the time (from what Kageyama’s let slip about Kitagawa Daiichi). And Yamaguchi kind of needed the encouragement.
“It’s Kozume-san from Nekoma!” He blurted out in a rush, bringing his hands up to his face to slap his reddening cheeks. He tried in vain to cover his blush, but Oikawa still apparently seen it and cooed softly at him.
“That’s so cute, Yama-chan!” Oikawa said to him, and Yamaguchi really felt like he’d take drowning in the bathtub over this conversation. Maybe with a bath bomb, too. Better to go out smelling good than like his stupid men’s body wash that his mom buys.
It was silent in the call as Yamaguchi collected himself and contemplated drowning, until Oikawa broke it with a devious smirk.
“So, you and Kozume, huh?” He said, his eyes glinting with mischief.
Yamaguchi groaned, smacking his forehead on the desk. Then he lifted his head up from the desk because it kind of hurt, and from what he knows about Oikawa, the older boy always wanted people to pay full attention to him when they were talking. “No,” he groaned out, “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know my name. And that he likes Hinata. I think.”
“Huh? What’s Shrimpy-chan have to do with this?” Oikawa asked, confusion written on his face. Yamaguchi pondered the phrase ‘written on his face’ and then imagined writing confusion all over his face while Oikawa was sleeping and flying away into the night like the true crow he is.
“I’m pretty sure they’re both like, best friends or something.” Yamaguchi replied, sounding awfully nonchalant when basically informing someone that there was about no chance for him and his crush to date.
Oikawa gave him an unimpressed look, with his eyebrows raised and lips pursed. Yamaguchi thought that that was probably the look that Iwaizumi received when he tried to deny his gayness.
“So? Shrimpy-chan is fucking Tobio-chan, and they’re best friends- wait, no, that’s not what I meant to say.” Oikawa shook his head to clear it. “What I mean, is, that even if he does like Shrimpy-chan, he has no chance with him, so if the times comes when Kozume gets rejected, you can dart in and sweep him off his feet and become his knight in shining armor!” Oikawa nodded his head once, as if to reassure himself he didn't cock up again, and then sent a dazzling smile to Yamaguchi.
“But then I’ll feel guilty and like I’m manipulating him!” Yamaguchi cried out. He didn't want to feel any more guilt. The 37 gumballs in his dresser drawer reminded him of his feelings every time he went to get his sketchbook.
Oikawa frowned, looking deep in thought, but then his eyes sparkled and he held up his pointer finger. “I’ve got it! Then you just have to make Kozume fall in love with you!” He said, as if that solved everything.
Yamaguchi gave him his own The Look™, and Oikawa scowled when he saw the familiar purse of lips and furrowed brows.
“You can’t copy my facial expressions!” Oikawa cried out. Yamaguchi sighed, relaxing his face.
“But really, how do I date him?” Yamaguchi whined, leaning his head down onto his outstretched arm, staring at the computer screen. He watched it blur for a few seconds, then become clear again as Oikawa stopped moving around.
“Hang on, Yama-chan, just one moment.” Oikawa said, his voice distracted. Yamaguchi made a humming sound to say ‘okay’.
“Aha!” Oikawa yelled, victory evident in his voice. His face appeared back on the screen, with a victorious smile on his face. He held up a pink, sparkly notebook.
Across the cover was written (in blue sparkly pen) ‘How to seduce someone’.
Yamaguchi decided on the Dragon’s Egg bath bomb to drown himself in.