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It was late, and Bucky was up again. He couldn't even be upset about it at this point, really. It was just how things were now. He didn't like sleeping. It was always so hard to fall asleep, then when he actually could manage to sleep, he had nightmares.
Sometimes he had the same dreams; recurring from his fall from the train to hydra operating on him. Other times he had dreams like he was in combat. Times when he would awake, heart pounding and on alert, the asset coming back as it got ready to fight.
Steve saw him when he woke up from his nightmares. He said it was okay, that Bucky never really hurt him when he grabbed him by the throat, breathing heavily with wild eyes. Bucky would always snap out of it, eyes softening, wet with tears as he'd pull away from his boyfriend. He curled away from him, even when Steve would wrap his arms around him, so gentle and strong. He would shush Bucky's quiet sobs, whispering that everything was okay, that he wasn't hurt. That it was okay.
But God, did it hurt Bucky. Every time he would freak out in his sleep, he hated himself a little more when he came to with steve struggling with him, trying to make him snap out of it. Bucky was always so horrified, and it made him feel like even more of a monster.
He had requested to sleep in Steve's guest bedroom. After one too many times of waking up in horror, trying to get away or fight. He couldn't keep doing that to Steve. Steve deserved so much better, he deserved so much more than caring for someone who could just snap.
Bucky couldn't stop thinking about it tonight. He hated what hydra did to him. He didn't like to show weakness, didn't like to show his pain. He looked down at his hands, one flesh, the other cold metal. He balled his hands into fists and huffed quietly, looking away and leaning back against the headboard of the bed.
He was a weapon.
Hydra made him into a monster.
He buried his face in his hands, long hair cascading over his face. Bucky didn't know how long he could keep this up. Another sleepless night, thinking way too much about what couldn't be changed. He desperately wished for a normal relationship with Steve. He wanted to spend time with him, go out on dates with him. He wanted to sleep in his bed again.
Steve made him feel safe. At least he did when Bucky was awake and aware. Steve helped him fall asleep, but it seemed like every time Bucky did get the courage to ask him to stay with him for the night, it ended in disaster.
Bucky was so thankful that Steve was so kind, but even he could see the hurt in his eyes whenever Bucky wouldn't remember something. He could tell Steve was so tired. He knew he was glad his best friend was back, but at what price?
Bucky chuckled bitterly to himself, it was some sort of cruel joke. Had to be.
Bucky was back, but then he wasn't. He wasn't sure what he was anymore. He was Steve's best friend, Bucky, but he was also Hydra's top asset.
The winter soldier.
There was so much blood on his hands, so much that he was starting to remember.
His hands trembled now, body racking with sobs as he curled in on himself. He never thought this was where his life would've ended up after the war. Being a fucking hydra Popsicle until they needed him to kill someone. His body hurt from the things they did to him.
Steve didn't know much about the chronic pain Bucky had, he was good at hiding it, but sometimes it got to him. His back hurt, his arm almost felt to heavy for his body, and it felt even worse where the arm was fused to his body. He was covered in various scars, had chronic migraines from how many times they tried to wipe his brain, make him obey.
Bucky was shaking again, tangling his fingers in his hair as he choked out sobs. He felt overwhelmed by it all.
He didn't like thinking.
"Hey I thought I heard somethi-" Steve was there, opening the door and looking in. He stopped speaking when he saw Bucky's tear stained face. "Bucky what's wrong?" He asked as he came in, sitting on the bed with him but not getting too close. He knew how Bucky could be with boundaries, especially when he was like this.
"I-it hurts.." He hiccuped, squeezing his eyes shut so he didn't have to look at Steve. He didn't like it when Steve was upset, it just made him feel worse.
Steve was closer to him now, right by his side and gently touching his arm. "Buck, what hurts? You can tell me," he said gently, voice low and calming as he looked at him.
Bucky was trembling still, but didn't flinch away when Steve's hand rested on his arm. "E-everything.... I-I don't like thinking about it. It makes it hurt more." He said, voice cracking as he spoke softly.
Steve's eyes widened, "what do you mean?" He asked quietly, watching Bucky.
"Open your fucking eyes Steve!" Bucky said suddenly. "A-all the shit they did to me! Physically I just... It hurts all the time." He said, uncurling a little to rub his hand over the metal that was fused with his skin. He bit his lip, sniffling and looking away. "I remember what they did to me... A-all the scars and experiments. My head hurts a-and I can't get it to stop." He said sadly, eyes still wet with tears. "I think I deserve it, Stevie... The things I can remember, they're not good." He said helplessly, looking at Steve as tears fell from his eyes again.
Steve shushed him, gently pulling Bucky against his chest and shushing him. "Buck, that wasn't you. That was all hydra, you don't deserve any of this. You never deserved this," he said, kissing his hair as he rubbed his back gently, trying to calm him down.
"But i did it!" He yelled, "m-my hands did it... They told me and I did it like their fucking pet." He said quieter, shaking in Steve's arms but not pulling away. "I deserve this. I-I'm not the man you knew, Steve. I-I'll never be the old Bucky." He whispered, heart breaking as he said it. He wanted to be the man he used to be. He wanted to go back to being the old Bucky.
"Listen to me Buck, that wasn't your fault." Steve said, holding him closer. "None of that was you. They used you, they hurt you and manipulated you. It's not your fault." He insisted. At least Bucky had stopped trembling. "You're still the same, and you're trying, okay?" He said softly, pulling back to look at him. Steve smiled gently and moved a hand to his cheek, thumb stroking the skin. "You know that stuff was bad, and you were able to get out of it."
Bucky sniffled quietly and nodded, "yeah, I guess you're right." He said quietly, leaning into the touch. "I just wish it was easier." He said quietly. "I'm just so afraid of hurting you again."
Steve pulled him into a hug again. "You can't hurt me, Buck." He said, "you've come so far, and you're remembering things every day." He said gently.
Bucky finally wrapped his arms around him, leaning his cheek against his shoulder. "I know... But there's a lot I wish I could forget." He answered.
Steven nodded, "yeah, me too." He whispered and kissed his hair again. "Let me stay in here with you tonight. You always sleep better when I talk you to sleep." He replied and chuckled quietly, smiling a little.
"Oh boy, story time." Bucky said sarcastically, pulling away from him. "You can stay, I just... I'm afraid of having a bad dream again." He admitted, frowning a little as he looked away from him.
"Bucky, it's okay. You know that, and you won't this time." Steve said, shifting to turn off the light on the nightstand. "I know you won't, now come on, story time." He said and laid back, patting the space next to him.
Bucky wiped his eyes and smiled, "okay. You better tell me something decent or I'm kicking you out of my room." He joked and laid down with him, putting his head on his chest.
They spent the rest of the night like that, Steve just calmly talking to Bucky, telling him stories about when he woke up, when he had to fight off aliens. Steve played with Bucky's hair, making him sleepier and more relaxed, previous sadness and pain forgotten. Bucky eventually fell asleep on Steve's chest, and Steve watched him for awhile, enjoying the peaceful expression on his boyfriend's face.
"Goodnight Bucky," Steve whispered to his sleeping boyfriend as he too, fell into slumber.
Bucky didn't have any nightmares that night.