Work Text:
Iruka: (storms in, wearing apron) "I need to talk to you, Madara-san."
Madara: (casually sets bottle of sake and two cups on table) "Do I want to know what the idiots did while I had you babysitting them for three days?"
Iruka: (sits down) "Konan and "Pein" were angels as they always are. Konan even made me cookies."
Madara: (sits down) "Konan has learned how to make delicious cookies. Was it chocolate chip or sugar cookies this time?"
Iruka: "Cinnamon sugar cookies. I had her save a tin of them for you and then I hid them in your desk."
Madara: "Sounds like a perfect midnight snack. Thank you."
Iruka: (rubs forehead) ""Pein" asked me for tips on organizing paperwork, and I offered some of the tricks that I use for organizing my lesson plans."
Madara: (pours sake) "He always seems to have trouble with keeping his paperwork organized."
Iruka: "Well...my tips seemed to help, so you know."
Madara: "Yes, we will simply have to see."
Iruka: (tired) "Hidan just tried to sacrifice Itachi again."
Madara: (pause) "Again? As in 'today' or 'just over the last three days'?"
Iruka: "Twice over the last three days."
Madara: "I'm going to have to discipline him again. I told him to stop after the fifth attempt last month." (sets bottle down) "Do I want to ask what provoked it?"
Iruka: "I have no idea, but Itachi is fine. Perched on top of a bookshelf as he does, but overall fine." (picks up sake cup) "Kisame wasn't having the sacrifice attempt though. Last that I checked, he was in the process of beating Hidan like he was an old rug that owed him a lot of money."
Madara: "Kisame is quite protective...and a prime example of "if loyalty was a person"." (picks up sake cup) "What about the rest?"
Iruka: "Sasori, Deidara, and Tobi were all watching Hidan get beaten while sharing a bowl of popcorn." (beat) "Also, I think Deidara is a fan of professional wrestling because I distinctly heard him shout at Kisame to, quote, "hit him with a chair", end quote."
Madara: "Huh...wouldn't be the weirdest thing that I've ever witnessed." (rests chin on fist) "What about Kakuzu?"
Iruka: "No clue what he's doing nor where he is, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was rolling around in a pile of money."
Madara: (shrug) "Wouldn't be the first time. Kanpai." (drinks)
Iruka: "Kanpai." (drinks) "And I was joking?"
Madara: "I'm not." (long-suffering sigh) "Copious amounts of alcohol were involved, but I did catch him doing that "rolling in money" thing while shirtless." (refills cups) "I thank every real deity that he wasn't naked."
Iruka: (stare) "...this place is a cluster whether I'm here or not." (drinks)
Madara: (drinks) "Why do you think that I drink so much?"
Iruka: "Point." (stares at cup) "On another note...is there any way that I can convince you to start sending a work order to Konoha for me instead of just kidnapping me?"
Madara: (visible confusion) "Why would I do that? Kidnapping you is both far easier and more cost effective."
Iruka: (annoyed) "Because I was ordered to the Hokage's office for questioning and, apparently, the dominant theory was that I'm having an illicit affair and-or involved in an orgy." (drinks)
Madara: (suspicious Madara is suspicious) "...the current Hokage is another Senju, right?"
Iruka: (visible confusion) "Yeah...?"
Madara: (resigned sigh; drinks) "That whole clan are idiots."
Iruka: (blinks) "Even Hashirama-san?"
Madara: (Vietnam War flashbacks) "Yes. Especially him. The man was handsome, powerful, and very charming...but he was also dumber than a fencepost. One time, he was making tea and said "oh I hate this part" and grabbed the actual kettle itself with his bare hands, causing Tobirama and myself to both scream at him." (visible disgust) "I never thought that I'd agree with that prick, but still..."
Iruka: (stare) "...Hashirama-san, the First Hokage, was a himbo?"
Madara: (visible confusion) "What is a 'himbo'?"
[One Explanation Later...]
Madara: (abandoned cup to drink straight from the bottle; clearly rethinking life) "Hashirama was a himbo..."
Iruka: (nods sympathetically; pats Madara's forearm) "There, there. It's not as bad as you think."
Madara: (groans loudly; then, after reorienting his reality...) "...you know, my previously-made job offer still stands."
Iruka: (pats Madara's forearm again; sagely nod) "I want to go home."