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Dan is pacing the office behind him, and Phil can feel it. He can feel the anxiety bleeding off of him.
First, the edit had got all screwy and they'd had to delay the whole thing through the weekend, and now their wifi has slowed to a crawl when Phil has already made the announcement. People are waiting. Have been waiting. They've been quiet, quieter than usual, and Phil knows this one- the big one, as they've come to call it- isn't what anyone is expecting. But it's what has to happen, because they've sort of run out of material, at this point. There's nothing left to say.
Honestly, Phil would have been happy to have left it up to assumption, but he knows Dan likes things clear and precise. Phil would have been happy to come clean a decade ago, or last week, or never at all. He's easy like that. All he wants is Dan safe and happy by his side.
Dan brushes past the chair one more time, and Phil groans and swivels to face him, grabbing his wrist. "Hey. Are you okay?" he asks. Behind him, the upload has stalled out at 54 minutes. He'd promised an hour nearly an hour ago, but nothing can ever go right. Nearly 20 years deep into his youtube career and he's never been very good at this part.
Dan opens his mouth, and Phil knows he's got the urge to brush it off, to tell Phil he's fine, but Dan has been working very hard in therapy. He closes it again, teeth clicking, and shrugs.
"You know we don't have to-" Phil says, pulling Dan closer.
"It's not that," Dan sighs, leaning into Phil's space. Dan is so, so pretty, and Phil would walk through anything for him. With him. Has walked through quite a lot.
"I love you," Phil reminds him, rubbing his thumb in soothing circles on the inside of Dan's wrist.
"Love you too," Dan says.
"This is not going to go up in flames, Daniel," Phil reminds him.
Dan sighs, leaning down clumsily to tuck his face into Phil's shoulder. It's easier, sometimes, if they're not making eye contact. Phil wraps an arm around him, holding him close. "But what if it does?" Dan whispers.
"Dan, honestly," Phil sighs. They've been through it a thousand times, Dan's attachment issues and his anxiety and his deep down belief he isn't good enough for Phil. It had almost ended them, once. "It's been sixteen years, what would be the point?"
Dan laughs, clutching him tighter. Phil pulls him more firmly into his lap, even though the chair isn't exactly made for two quite large men. "I could cancel it now," he offers. He spins the chair a little to see it's still at 53 minutes.
"Do we have another choice?" Dan asks, finally lifting his head. "It's this or another hiatus, we don't have anything else ready."
"You always have a choice," Phil says. "I'm not gonna make you do something you don't want to do."
Dan sighs, shifting so he's straddling Phil a little more comfortably. He presses their foreheads together, and Phil smiles, brushing a hand up the back of Dan's shirt. "It would be a waste of a very good video," he says finally.
"You did a lovely job with it," Phil agrees. It's both of their video, but Dan was the one who put the work in. Phil would have been happy with a less comprehensive version. Yes, we kiss, leave us alone. Dan is the one with the scripts and the plans.
"I just want everyone to know how proud I am of you," Dan says quietly. Phil leans up to kiss him, the way he has a thousand times.
"I'm proud of you," he says.
"But are you sure?" Dan asks. "It's not just about me."
Phil hums, considering. "But you're the one with the big feelings about it," Phil says. Dan frowns, brushing Phil's hair out of his eyes, and Phil sighs. "I think I'm okay," he decides. "I don't know it's really set in yet, how different it'll be."
"It's gonna hit different," Dan says, and Phil laughs and shoves at his chest.
"You're stupid," he says.
"You love me," Dan croons. "You love me and you wanna tell the world."
"I hate you, actually, and I'm cancelling the video and moving out."
"That would be a plot twist. Gotta keep them guessing," Dan says, cupping the back of his head and pulling him in for a deeper kiss. "I'm okay. Promise. I have you."
"Always," Phil promises against his lips. His best friend. His lover. His soulmate. They've been through hell and back together, and they're still going strong. "Never fucking getting rid of me, baby."