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Chapter Text

All that could be seen in his vision was nothing but the same dismal grey nothingness Merlin had come to resent, seeing this bleak world with unimpressed eyes, longing for the alternative. There wasn't a single thing that stood out against the unremarkable dull haze that blanketed all his surroundings.

Merlin wanted color.

His life wasn't much to be excited about, drifting here and there, searching to find the person he was desperate to be with, and everything that came with that.

Color and his soulmate went hand in hand, tied irrevocably together in a way that combined into one crucial event that would change the course of your life forever, which meant Merlin yearned so badly for it all.

Because in this universe, when you meet eyes with your soulmate, for the very first time, that fateful meeting would be confirmed by the ability to see color, undeniable proof that you and that person were destined to be together, only with each other could unlock the full beauty of the world.

It was poetic, beautiful.

But it was also very lonely, having to search for your soulmate, waiting for life to truly begin with them and be complete.

Though, some people would never meet their soulmate at all. Whether it was from lack of trying, settling for someone else they decided to love instead, or just from twisting and tangling up the strings of fate irreparably, causing them to never cross paths at all.

It was far from being an exact science, to be honest.

Merlin didn't want any of that, at least any part that he could control. He wasn't just going to give up like he saw so many others do, or see how some would waste so much time and end up meeting their soulmate so much later in life, or perhaps not at all, which was directly caused by them.

No, Merlin was putting himself out there, making sure every decision he made felt right, like the universe was directing him to the one he was dying to love.

It was just so difficult to have to wait for his life to begin.

But, he was just stuck, unable to fully move forward until he found the person. It made him sad, Merlin's heart aching for that breath taking moment that would define his very life when he finally would meet his soulmate.

That was the main objective, but he couldn't deny the fact of how much he wanted color, moved by the beauty of it all since he was a child.

His parents were soulmates and Merlin would ask constantly for them to describe the hues they saw of the world, the true vibrancy he was so sorrowfully missing out on.

Just by description, he was drawn to the color blue. The endless sky he could lie beneath for hours was blue, the cool streams he trailed his fingers through shimmered with it, and even the worn blanket he kept by his bedside reminded him of that quiet hue. His world was filled with traces of it. He wished so badly he could see it.

He was even told that his eyes were a bright, captivating blue. After hearing that, Merlin would stare into the mirror at his disappointingly black and white reflection, trying to picture the color he loved so much to show in his eyes.

Of course, he hadn't seen blue for himself, so he could only sit and imagine what it could possibly look like. But, it was really incomprehensible, having only seen black, white, and far too much grey.

If only he could just see it all with his own eyes, Merlin was sure his room and his image were just covered in all this color, hidden away from his sight, like they were mocking him.

And that all solidified it in Merlin's mind, stubbornly refusing to settle for any less, only wanting who he was meant for, and the alluring perk of color that came with that.

But, as of right now, Merlin was still unsuccessful. He was so sure he was going to meet his soulmate when his advisor told him about this school excursion to London.

He felt it deep within him that this must be it, that every moment of his life was leading up to this. Though, Merlin had felt this many times before and was wrong in the past, not ending up finding anything.

So, here Merlin was, back home in Armagh, sadly leaving the trip with nothing, trying to get his mind off of the most recent disappointment. He really needed to stop getting his expectations up, everything would just flow naturally if he let it, Merlin was sure.

If it was meant to be, it all had to work out, especially with him trying as hard as he was. The universe would reward his efforts, eventually.

It wasn't like Merlin was running out of time or anything, he was only twenty-one, finishing up his college degree as he prepared for the future he envisioned with his soulmate.

He didn't want life to just pass him by, trying to create a purpose while his destined love wasn't in the picture quite yet.

But, still, Merlin would find himself staring out the window of his apartment, watching people pass by, imagining the fateful day.

He wondered what his soulmate would look like, be like. The thing he was most certain about their appearance was that they would most likely be shorter than him, Merlin being a fairly tall person himself, taller than the rafters, one might say, and people often did about him. Other than that, it was hard to even speculate.

Would they have a smile that would bring Merlin to his knees? Probably, since he was sure he'd melt from that alone if his soulmate just did that simple thing.

Would they be filled with colors Merlin was sure would become his favorites? Would they have a voice where Merlin would savor every word that passed their lips? Would they be so perfectly fitting for Merlin, everything he ever wanted?

Yes, they would. They had to be.

Merlin wasn't too worried about the specifics, hair, height, body type, or even gender. That all wasn't important, his soulmate was someone made especially for him, their purpose of this very life to love each other.

God, it was all he wanted.

Maybe he was just a hopeless romantic, but he couldn't help it. Merlin was already in love, before even meeting them.

All the atoms in his body were reaching out, trying to grasp onto the other part of him that was made whenever and wherever they were forged together.

Merlin didn't want to wait, he was impatient.

But, he didn't want to rush things either, their paths being such a delicate and fluctuating thing, ready to change at any decision, that could cause them to have an entirely different meeting. Possibly at a completely different time.

But, Merlin would wait as long as it took, in order to be with his fated love.

Merlin was out today, walking the same streets he had traveled so many times before. It was one of his favorite places, on a block near campus that contained a few little stores he visited frequently, including a cafe, bookstore, and plant shop that he couldn't stop himself from purchasing even more plants, his addiction growing with his desire to see them in full color.

All the people in these locations knew him well, commenting on how they wished he was their soulmate, him being so kind and just a heart on his sleeve type of guy.

Merlin would give them a so devastating melancholic smile at that, his voice giving away his wistfulness on his wish that they could be as well.

There was one person in particular who would gush over him, as since he had already met his soulmate, he would relay to Merlin how pretty he was in technicolor.

"Oh, wow," the cafe shop employee said when they first met, Merlin being eighteen at the time, just barely starting college a couple weeks before, "Your hair, it catches the light like ink in water. It almost shines."

Merlin was completely taken aback by this at first, almost convincing himself that he had just met his soulmate but was just unable to see color after all.

But, disappointedly, it was just a guy who was very enthusiastic about things he found beautiful, and the one that fit that category was Merlin.

The man's name, Merlin later found out as he was desperate to hear more, spending hours every day chatting with him, was Lancelot.

They built up a fairly good rapport over the course of that year, Merlin discovering Lancelot was a photography major, planning on getting a masters when he returned to his university back home.

He would visit Lancelot pretty much every single day at that cafe, pulling him away from his work, but the manager would often let it slide, as long as Lancelot helped customers when necessary.

They talked endlessly, conversations filled with their past and hopes for the future. Merlin couldn't contain his smile when Lancelot would describe the colors he presented, saying that Merlin's shirt brought out his eyes, whatever that meant, or that the blush across his face was this soft pink color, which made Merlin just look so adorable.

Merlin actually ended up being a model for Lancelot at times, half embarrassed and half loving being able to be the main subject of someone who valued the beauty he couldn't see of himself.

It made it that much harder to see Lancelot leave.

Merlin always found himself looking for him, even as three whole years passed. It felt like they were so close to being soulmates, like Merlin was just one step away from completely falling for him, a single nudge in that direction would cause everything to change.

One of those we're friends but it feels like so much more situations.

Merlin had to admit to himself that he would have been more than happy if that's what it turned out to be with Lancelot, but, they were nothing but friends, since the other already had his lover back home. Merlin didn't even entertain any thoughts of them being together in that way, besides he had his own soulmate to find.

There was just something so magnetic about him, Merlin felt himself so drawn to Lancelot, it was really indescribable. Like, in some way, they were connected. And Merlin was just mixing that up a bit with the soulmate fate, he realized, confusing platonic and romantic feelings yet again.

They were just so close, becoming friends so easily, smooth like no other friendship Merlin had experienced before, it was hard not to be enamored by him. Lancelot was someone he looked up to, saw in him something Merlin wanted to find in himself.

Then, he left.

And, sometimes, Merlin would miss him so badly, out of nowhere, and not even be able to go to his favorite cafe. It was stupid, Merlin knew. But, he still regretted never getting Lancelot's contact information, feeling like they just disappeared out of each other's lives, leaving Merlin feeling empty, alone without the only good friend he'd made since coming to college.

He'd probably never find a connection like that again, at least, not until he found his soulmate.

Today wasn't so bad, everyone in the shops he frequented were so happy to see him back after being away, and Merlin was unable to keep from buying yet another plant, swearing one day it was going to be his downfall into debt.

It made him feel better, though. Merlin needed it, needed this, as he smiled down to the adorable little plant he held in his hand, knowing exactly where to put it in his apartment.

He sighed to himself, not wanting to go back to classes and endless coding. The trip had been such a nice escape, though being near the cafe reminded him of Lancelot, who he desperately wanted to run into while he was in London.

But, it wasn't meant to be.

Merlin had just exited out of the plant shop, new purchase in hand, starting to make his way back to his house, happily whistling to himself a song. A simple song, one he had loved ever since he heard it for the first time.

Merlin mindlessly filled the air with the lilting notes of the first few lines of the bittersweet melody.

The tune was fairly soft, barely able to be heard by any passerby.

But, it caught the attention of one person, who looked up to meet Merlin's eyes, recognizing the sound.

Everything seemed to slow down, all other outside noise and distractions completely out of either of their minds.

Merlin's whistling came to a complete stop as he eyes drifted up to meet the stranger who was walking the opposite direction, just a few yards away in front of him.

That gaze.

It was the gaze.

Color burst forth into Merlin's eyes, almost making him stumble backwards as he stared in shock at the utter vibrancy he was now able to see.

Everything was so intense, bright hues filling every available space, pushing out any semblance of the grey world Merlin had become so used to seeing.

And, at the very center of Merlin's attention, was the one who must be his soulmate, the very cause of this color.

This was the moment he had been waiting for.

Merlin dropped the plant he held, not even caring as the pot shattered against the stone bricks, looking so sad to be abandoned.

He didn't even notice it as he rushed over to the other who was standing stock still, in utter shock, neither of them being able to get out any words, Merlin having a wide splitting grin that rendered him unable to speak. His soulmate, on the other hand, had his mouth agape, not able to comprehend what was happening right now. Merlin was holding onto the other's shoulders and shaking him slightly in excitement.

The first thought that came across Merlin's mind was how pretty this person was.

He couldn't focus on anything but the soft, golden colored locks on his must-be-soulmate, bright and almost glowing in the light. His eyes were a clear, brilliant blue that caught every glimmer around them, flecked with shades Merlin couldn’t begin to name. His soft, blush pink lips were parted in astonishment, looking completely shocked to be seeing the same colors as Merlin was.

Merlin's eyes danced across the other's face, trying to soak up every detail, all the freckles that were sprayed across his face, the smooth, unblemished skin that he swears was glowing.

Even the sharp cut of his jaw drew Merlin's eyes, openly gazing at every component of the other's face, like he had never seen another person until this very moment.

He was utterly beautiful.

Though, even with his previous inclinations towards gender being open, Merlin was surprised his soulmate turned out to be a guy. Of course he's not complaining or anything, it was just unexpected. As always, fate worked however it pleased, showing Merlin a man was the one made for him.

No matter, he was destined to be with this guy, and Merlin was already falling in love.

Not only was this his soulmate, so Merlin already loved him without even meeting him, but on top of that, he was absolutely breath-taking, everything and more than Merlin had hoped for.

Merlin cheered in his heart and soul, determining that he will spend the rest of his life looking at every color that was on this man.

He excitedly started to ramble, trying to ask what the other's name was and confirming if he was also seeing color, as neither of them had even said any words yet.

"I'm Merlin. I'm guessing you see the color, too, right? It looks like you do but you haven't said anything which is making me nervous," Merlin blabbed, his grin spilling pure happiness into his voice, "What's your name?"

"Um, Arthur," the other said slowly, uncertainty covering his tone.

Merlin swooned, even though it was barely one word, just his name, it didn't matter, he was hooked, falling for this Arthur even deeper.

God, he could just listen to him speak all day with a voice like that. It was better than Merlin could have ever possibly imagined.

He was dying for more, to know absolutely everything about his soulmate. Merlin couldn't contain his excitement at how unexpected this meeting was. It was fate, destiny, everything. He could feel it, feel the sparks where they were touching zing in his skin.

It was intoxicating.

Then, Arthur finally got his bearings, stopping Merlin in his tracks who was already planning on them moving in together and how the rest of their amazing future would go.

"Wait, stop," Arthur breathed out, in complete disbelief, "No. This can't be happening."

Merlin was thrown into complete confusion. This was how this world worked. Did Arthur somehow not know that or something?

Was something wrong?

Millions of possibilities flashed in Merlin's mind as he searched Arthur's face for answers. How could this not be going as planned? They were soulmates, right?

All this time waiting to meet couldn't all be for nothing. There had to be some kind of mistake, a mix up that would surely be fixed and everything would turn out how fate had destined for them.

Right...?

Please?

Instead, all of Merlin's fears and worries were confirmed by the next words out of Arthur's mouth, his heart stopping in his chest as he registered the meaning, the sentence that would cause him so much turmoil and hurt, the ones he wished he never had to hear, what he never expected to be said to him by the one who gave him his long desired color.

"I already have a soulmate."

Chapter Text

The two sat in dubious silence, finding themselves on an outside table at Merlin's favorite cafe, who after getting over the stupefied shock of hearing what Arthur said, pulled him over to get some sort of explanation for all this.

But, it was difficult to know where to even begin. Soulmates or not, they were still strangers, especially with the situation seeming like Arthur already had one.

"Okay, but, you just saw color for the first time, right? I know you were seeing the same as me, so how could you have already met your soulmate? That doesn't make sense," Merlin pressed, eager to get this surely unimportant matter of Arthur having a soulmate out of the way and onto more important things, them.

"Well," Arthur began nervously, not knowing how he should handle this situation he'd been suddenly presented with, "It's more complicated than that."

Merlin gestured for him to continue, ready to listen.

Arthur blew out a shaky breath, as he was still trying to comprehend and piece together what happened as well. It wasn't like he had any insight on what this all meant. "I have seen color before, when I met my, uh, other soulmate. But, everything is in full color now, somehow."

Merlin looked confused, urging the other to continue.

Arthur went on, "Like, after being able to see what I do now, I realize I could only really see the color red before, as if I was colorblind. Most of the others were all mixed together, like purple and brown looked the same. But, now... I can see every single color I never even knew existed."

It was all so distinct now, Arthur began to comprehend, eyes flickering around at the world that looked so different in this totally new view.

There was so much more he missed out on, hues that all blurred together previously were now stark, pulling out from the scenery, Arthur trying to absorb the unseen colors.

Blue.

That's the color Arthur is most taken away by, because it's the most prominent one on Merlin. His icy blue eyes shine in the light, almost making Arthur get lost in them. How it was possible so many different shades could fill such a space as an iris, Arthur didn't know.

The sweater Merlin wore was a captivating shade of blue, the kind that seemed to shift between sky and sea with every movement. It drew Arthur in, urging him to reach out and brush his fingers across the sleeve. It couldn’t have been ordinary fabric, seeming as though it had been woven from the sky itself, threads of calm and depth intertwined into a soft, blue temptation.

Merlin's dark hair, nearly black, looked impossibly soft, each strand catching the light just enough to shimmer like silk. It had that tousled, effortless look that made Arthur’s fingers ache to reach out and touch it.

His smile was so warm, gentle, and disarmingly kind, hit Arthur like sunlight breaking through storm clouds, stealing the breath right from his chest.

He needed to get back on track.

"So, you said you're Merlin, right? That's kind of an odd name."

“Unusual, maybe,” Merlin replied with a small, knowing smile, “but it’s my real name.” His hand came to rest thoughtfully against his chin as he studied Arthur, completely captivated by how effortlessly beautiful he was. Every word, every glance was calculated, Merlin was doing his best to weave a bit of charm into the moment, to flirt his way right into Arthur’s heart.

Arthur shifted slightly, "Merlin is good." It would be best to keep this as impersonal as possible, as he still had his other soulmate at home, Arthur couldn't get carried away by this new development, no matter what this Merlin guy said or did.

"Well, now you found me, your true soulmate. So, you can ditch that other one," Merlin murmured, waving his hand dismissively. Maybe Arthur would come to his senses and go for the obvious choice, Merlin.

But, of course, that wasn't the case. Arthur reeled back at that, not liking at all what was being suggested, "No! We met first and have been together for a couple years now. I can't go and leave him just because you want me to."

Merlin let out a long sigh, it wasn't going to be that easy. To be fair, he wasn't trying to be a homewrecker, but, considering this was his literal soulmate, Merlin was willing to bend a few morals.

First, he needed to get to know Arthur, create a relationship with him to show that they should be together. That other guy would understand. "Fine. Then, tell me about him."

"Well, his name is... Leon," Arthur began slowly, giving Merlin the nickname to protect his identity better, "And we met in college, found out we were soulmates and have been together ever since."

"And you said I have a weird name?" Merlin laughed breathlessly, Leon was not one he heard before. But, it probably wasn't a real name, Arthur most likely dissuading Merlin from trying to find this other guy, "But there's no way he can compare to me, right?"

Arthur was not amused, this whole situation was making him so disoriented and confused, unsure what the right thing to do was. He knew he couldn't just abandon Leon now that there's this random new guy in the picture, as they've been together for years and love each other, like soulmates often do.

They have a nice, happy life that they built. Arthur couldn't just ruin all that now.

But...

Merlin.

The man who caused him to see full color, is here, dying to be with Arthur, talk with him, try to figure out this whole complicated mess. Arthur can tell how much Merlin wants to be with him, to move deeper into that connection that neither of them could say wasn't there.

Arthur couldn't deny he's drawn to Merlin. He felt the pull, he felt the electricity spark when they touched.

Like soulmates.

But, no. Arthur already had one, already gave all his love and promises to him. There was no way he could have two, it didn't work like that.

It's all so conflicting, muddling Arthur's brain. He doesn't want to choose between them. Leon got there first, even if meeting Merlin caused Arthur to question everything, he still knew that what they had was real, solid.

But, there was no way Arthur could just give up on Merlin, curious to know more about him and the unique situation they found themselves in.

It could all work out, if he was careful.

If anything happened, Arthur could easily just cut Merlin off, as he was the out of place character that had no history, especially not compared to what he had with Leon.

Despite his better judgment, knowing that this could possibly end so badly, Arthur gave in.

He gave into the unshakable desire to stay with Merlin, at least in some kind of capacity.

"We can meet, and talk," Arthur began, giving Merlin a warning look when he perked up in excitement, "But, we'll be nothing more than friends, got that?"

Merlin nodded slowly, agreeing to these terms. In his mind, it was all temporary. They were soulmates for crying out loud!

It didn't matter if their relationship started out like this, Merlin was going to do absolutely anything to keep Arthur in his life, grabbing onto this line the other offered with no hesitation.

Arthur would choose him, he had to. There was no universe where he wouldn’t fall for Merlin. It was inevitable; they fit together too perfectly for it to end any other way.

They started to part ways, Merlin walking by Arthur's side for a bit, wanting to be close to him for as long as possible, like the other would just disappear if he was out of Merlin's space for too long.

Arthur let him, though he felt slightly awkward at how this guy was acting like a lost puppy towards him, so desperate for Arthur's love and approval.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

They found themselves back to the spot where they first saw each other, Arthur glancing down at the broken plant Merlin left on the pavement.

"Oh, um," Arthur said, rubbing the back of his neck nervously, "Sorry about your plant."

Merlin started to pick up the pieces of the pot, trying to clean up the mess he made. "It's okay, I have plenty at home."

Arthur wanted to see that, the thought coming to the forefront of his mind as soon as he heard those words.

But, he didn't express that desire, instead leaning down to help Merlin gather up the remnants of the little clay pot.

They brushed hands, feeling the deep connection at the touch in their very bones, both holding their breath for a moment, expecting… something.

But, it passed, Arthur pulling his hand away, coming back to reality.

"What made you look at me in the first place?" Merlin asked softly, picking up what's left of the plant to re-pot later.

Arthur just blinked at him for a second, trying to recall the calm before the storm. "Oh. You were whistling a song I recognized."

"That's right," Merlin murmured, "Must know it well if you could catch it just from that."

Arthur shrugged. "Someone I knew loved it. And, you have a nice, um, whistle," Arthur spoke a little brashly, unsure of why he even felt the need to say that, probably dangerous to give Merlin any ideas.

Merlin chuckled softly, but inside he was screaming. "I'm glad you like it," he replied, giving Arthur a warm smile. He felt a little dizzy getting a compliment, as mundane as it was. He should really whistle more.

Arthur turned his attention elsewhere, wanting to change the subject. He looked down at the bare plant in Merlin's hands, focusing on the remorse he felt for the poor plant he caused to break, especially since Merlin must have barely just made the purchase from the looks of it.

"Here," Arthur said, thinking of a solution, reaching into his backpack and pulling out a mug, "You can put it in this."

He doesn't tell Merlin that this is his favorite cup, hence why he had it with him in the first place.

Arthur held onto that cup for years, almost never leaving the house without it. He would usually bring the mug to his favorite coffee shop, which was where he had been heading earlier, as it was just a few blocks down the road from where they were.

The employees would always let Arthur use his own mug for his coffee orders. It was hard to even describe how much he really loved this little object, a genuine piece of his life.

And he just gave it to Merlin, with no problem at all.

Merlin was slightly hesitant, questioning slightly why the other even had this so readily available, but Arthur insisted, placing the plant into its new pot, which fit just right inside.

Merlin was in awe, not being able to fathom this adorable gift, still so unsure if it was even okay for him to keep it. But, god, he wanted it so badly. He gushed out thanks, staring with bright eyes at this wonderful addition to the reasons that he was already falling for Arthur.

The smooth porcelain was gleaming in the sun, catching colors on the glassy finish, reflecting a rainbow on the surface if you turned it just so at a certain angle.

And, most importantly, it was something of Arthur's. Probably not too special if he just gave it away like this, but still.

Merlin was forever going to keep it close to his heart.

He had to struggle against himself, Merlin desiring so deeply to give Arthur a hug in gratitude and excitement, but he was successful in keeping control, instead just nodding and saying goodbye as the other hurried off.

Merlin's eyes lingered on Arthur, watching him until he was out of view. He was sad that they had to part ways, but was comforted by the fact that his phone now contained a new contact.

Merlin could talk to Arthur any time he wanted to. He would be able to schedule times to meet and hang out, planning out all the ways he would make Arthur fall for him.

As much as Merlin didn't like the obstacle he was presented with, he wasn't going to give up now.

Not when he was so close. Not when he just got what he had been waiting for.

Arthur shuffled slowly to his house, already feeling the guilt start to creep in.

He couldn't tell Leon about Merlin. Absolutely not.

It felt horrible to keep this secret from him, but Arthur felt it was necessary, at least for right now.

Merlin, on the other hand, practically skipped back home, heart filled with romantic fantasies.

He was distracted by every single thing on his path to his house, taken away by the colors. Even though Merlin wished he was sharing it with Arthur, it's still all exciting, as he got caught up on every single detail.

It was overwhelming in the best way possible. There was no amount of words that could paint how stunning the world was, how colorful and vivid. Merlin couldn't believe he lived his whole life without this, how was he even able to carry on like that? In that grey dismal hue?

Merlin stopped every few steps when something caught his eye on this street he had walked so many times before, that was so different now, things standing out that he never noticed before.

Like the red brick store front covered in beautiful, twisting ivy that crawled up the entire side. The murky red brown color of the bricks were a stark contrast from the velvety green vines that danced in the breeze.

Merlin plucked a small branch of the ivy, placing it in his bag. Maybe this was his favorite color.

Or perhaps the translucent blue water that glistened as it flowed so gently from a fountain was his favorite, unable to tear his eyes away as the water sparkled in the sunlight, the stream splashing colors into the air as it became mist.

The golden coins resting on the bottom that looked like treasure were too tempting to resist, Merlin taking one of those as well.

And then the flowers.

There must have been hundreds of them on the side of the roads, Merlin having to look at each and every single one.

The yellow was so bright, standing out as such an unusual color to see. The red looked like it was over pigmented, Merlin in shock that something could look so smooth and sharp.

Green.

Merlin was hung up on that color for a long while.

The green of the trees was so soft, so alive, almost like the world itself was breathing around him. It wrapped him in calm, a color he’d never truly seen before, fresh, vivid, real. It was a beautiful surprise.

The green leaf Merlin plucked from a branch–though he knew he shouldn’t–was so deep, rich with sunlight, its veins glowing like emerald threads.

He placed it into his bag with his growing collection of items, wanting every color he could possibly get his hands on.

And then he focused on the blue.

He gazed up at the sky, endless and open, and for a moment forgot to breathe. Merlin lifted his hand toward it, as though he could touch the vastness stretching above him.

The blue that he longed for so many years to see. The color of the ocean, of peace, of stillness. It was so different from the dark navy shadows he used to imagine, it was lighter, softer, infinite.

He wandered across the grass, feeling it brush gently against his shoes. He gathered a few blue wildflowers along the way, their petals cool against his fingers, walking the last few feet to his apartment.

Well, that was still grey.

Merlin set down the plant as soon as he got inside, shoving all the others aside to make room for it, wanting it to be the center, the first thing that you see.

With the unique pot it sat in, the plant easily drew all attention immediately.

Now, Merlin can focus on the rest of his room.

His plants filled the whole space with overwhelming color, making it all light up with the feeling of life draped across every surface of his home.

The green was in every single color imaginable, going from a soft shade that was almost white to a deep hue so dark it barely looked green anymore.

Peppered in the sea of green was some bright red, streaks of purple, brushes of blue, and the occasional tinge of yellow.

Merlin had this whole menagerie of color in this indoor garden that he didn't even realize he had. He was so grateful for deciding to collect these plants so many years ago, bringing all this color so close, able to look at all the nuances and subtle differences in the hues.

And then.

His hands.

Merlin looked down at them, seeing the warm skin tone, mixed in a variety of pink, yellow, tan, red, and others that were stitched across his palm.

He saw the way his knuckles were blushed in red, how his fingernails were so pale in comparison to the rest of hands.

His eyes traveled up his arms, seeing the smooth skin, the faintest of freckles that dotted randomly, looking intently until he reached his shoulder.

That's when Merlin looked up at the mirror hanging on his wall, truly seeing himself in all his beauty for the very first time.

Wow.

He couldn't believe he actually looked like this. Everyone was right in their description. His parents, friends throughout the years, and especially Lancelot.

His eyes were a blue he couldn't even pinpoint, so different from any other he has seen so far.

The sunlight streaming in through his window lit up his hair, passing through it and setting it aglow.

Like polished obsidian touched with fire, each strand glinting as if it held its own secret light.

Merlin smiled softly to himself, in wonder, soaking up every detail, at long last, finally able to see the beauty that others saw, but he never saw in himself.

His thoughts drifted to Arthur at this moment, already wanting to see him again. To talk about the colors he saw, to show him all the things Merlin picked up on his way home.

At the very least, he could text him. There was no need to wait for any amount of time, Merlin had no plans to play hard to get.

What's your favorite color?

Merlin was going straight in with his message, no introductions, no awkward hello. But, he should probably clarify who this was just in case, he might have been a little hasty.

This is Merlin, by the way.

Merlin doesn't expect an answer right away, but he gets one nonetheless.

Arthur replied,

Mine was always red. But, I think I'm starting to like blue.

Merlin was in love.

Chapter Text

Arthur tugged on his shirt collar, wanting the nervous warmth that was clinging on his skin to dissipate, to feel the cool calm of ease wash over him.

His neck was pricking with heated anxiety, not knowing how much doing this was falling into a morally grey area.

He couldn't bring himself to tell Leon. Arthur was sure it would only dredge up more questions, ones he didn't know the answer to. How would Arthur proceed in this situation? Would there need to be an ultimatum, him being forced to make the impossible decision of choosing between these two believed soulmates?

It would be better to put off that for as long as possible, Arthur determined to gain more insight first, not wanting to rush and lose out of what he could have.

Maybe it was selfish to entertain both, but he wasn't stepping out on Leon or anything, Arthur was keeping Merlin firmly in the friendzone.

It was all justified, and besides, soulmates didn't necessarily have to be romantic anyway.

So, Arthur stepped out of his door, kissing Leon goodbye to go and meet Merlin... in secret.

It's fine.

When Merlin received the text from Arthur that he was reaching out to ask for them to meet up, him, his soulmate making the move first, made Merlin burst with hope.

Surely Arthur was quickly forgetting about his previous soulmate, going to put that guy in the past if he was already looking outwards, towards Merlin.

He got ready that day, checking the time every five minutes, picking out a shirt of deep green, since he hoped Arthur would like it.

There was only happiness filling Merlin up, right to the brim. Seeing Arthur made his life covered in color, literally and metaphorically.

He smiled softly as he flicked off his room light, seeing the sunshine gently cascade over the plant in the mug Arthur gave to him.

Merlin already wanted more things, getting greedy to fill up his space with anything that the other could give to him, items Merlin could look at and immediately recall a memory of Arthur, especially since they didn't get to see much of each other.

He sighed, closing the door, going off to meet Arthur for what he considered their date, even though Arthur said it was just a casual meet up, telling Merlin not to get any ideas.

But, who could blame him? Merlin was losing himself in this blossoming relationship, envisioning the romance they would share, he was hopelessly in love.

Yes, it was too soon. But, that didn't really matter in this world controlled by fate and destiny.

Merlin was young, an actress to the performance he had to make in this life, the part he was more than happy to play.

As long as he could have his soulmate, in any capacity, it would be enough.

Merlin walked over the cobblestone pavement, trying not to rush, already being early as it was, too impatient to wait for the set time.

It had been a couple weeks since he'd seen Arthur, when they first met.

They talked over text, all lighthearted and casual. Merlin tried not to barrage Arthur with questions, but some slipped through the cracks.

He wrote down every detail Arthur would divulge about himself, Merlin desperate not to forget a single thing, eager to learn everything he could.

What he found out so far was that Arthur was in political science, very similar to what Merlin was interested in career wise. That only confirmed to him that they were made for each other even more so.

Also, that Arthur had just recently moved to the area, at Leon's request, who was from the states. Though Merlin didn't know why they settled in Armagh. But no matter, he was sure to find out even more after today.

Merlin debated on bringing his Arthur notebook with him, but thought it was a little bit too much for how soon this all was. He just didn't want to forget anything.

One last detail that Merlin mulled over as he approached the meeting place was that Arthur loved to collect mugs, comparable to the collection Merlin had of plants.

He definitely wanted to see that.

Merlin scanned over the crowd of people, looking for Arthur.

There.

It was impossible for Merlin to miss him, like his eyes were drawn, pulling him instinctively to look for Arthur, a smile coming over his features as he saw the other glance up as soon as Merlin spotted him.

This was how fate worked.

"You remember me?" Merlin teased, dragging out the chair to sit across from Arthur.

The other laughed softly, giving Merlin a look, "Couldn't forget if I tried."

"Can't say I'm upset by that."

Arthur rolled his eyes, the amusement seeping through. It was difficult to be in any other type of mood except for happiness whenever he was with Merlin. "I should have known you would be."

Merlin grinned, then glanced around at the place they were currently residing in. Though this was fairly close to campus, Merlin had never been here before. "So, why'd you wanna come here?"

"Oh," Arthur breathed, looking down to his fingers tracing patterns into the wooden table, "This is my favorite cafe, I come here all the time."

Maybe he shouldn't have brought Merlin somewhere so special to him on the first date.

Wait, no, not date. First outing together, as friends.

But, Arthur didn't really know where else to go, he was comfortable here, and he hoped this wasn't all a mistake.

"Your favorite? Well, I'm honored, Arthur. Must be good if you've approved of it."

Arthur turned his head to the side, unsure if he should really say what he was thinking, but did so anyway, "You better feel lucky, I've never brought anyone here before."

Merlin's eyebrows quirked up, looking absolutely pleased by that statement, "Oh really? Not even your other guy? I must be special then."

Arthur poked into Merlin's arm, making them both feel the zing at the contact, but ignoring any reaction to it, "My boyfriend, you mean. Not 'my guy'."

Merlin breathed out a low sigh, "That's right. Your boyfriend."

Arthur nodded in confirmation, then sat there, uncertain what to say next, nervousness spiking up again.

He was saved by the waiter bringing over the drink he ordered earlier, as Arthur came far before the time they were supposed to meet, deciding to get his usual, thinking he would finish it before Merlin arrived.

Arthur forgot about all this, especially when Merlin unexpectedly came almost an hour early. It seemed both of them were so eager.

The waiter placed the drink down, "Arthur, haven't seen you in a little while. And where's your mug? I've never seen you come here without it."

Arthur cast a quick glance over to Merlin, realizing he was going to find out about that. "Oh, I, um, gave it away. I'll have to get a new one."

The waiter cast a pointed look over to Merlin, one that the other didn't see, Arthur giving a quick shake of his head that he didn't want any further questions.

Arthur let out a breath he didn't know he was holding when the waiter left, after taking Merlin's order.

"Were they talking about the mug you gave to me?" Merlin asked immediately, bursting with the question as soon as the waiter brought up the subject.

Arthur rubbed the back of his neck, wishing that Merlin wouldn't have found out about this, knowing it was his fault to bring him here in the first place. "Yeah... That's why I had it with me. But, it's fine. It's just a mug. I gave it to you and I want you to keep it."

"Well, now I feel bad, Arthur. I didn't know it was important. I should give you something now in return."

Arthur dismissed him, waving his hand to dispel the offer, "No need. It was to rectify me causing you to break the pot."

Merlin pouted, insisting, reason one being because he felt like he should reciprocate, and two because he desperately wanted Arthur to have something of his, "I don't have a mug to replace it, but I can give you a plant."

He saw Arthur's interest pique from that, seeming to consider this more. "I'm not sure, I don't really want to take one of your plants from you."

"I have plenty, besides, then it would make it a trade instead of me stealing from you."

Arthur mulled it over, still hesitant, "I don't really know how to care for plants. I'm afraid I'd kill it."

"I'll teach you how," Merlin stated, placing his hand on his chest, "Then whenever you come to my place, you can pick one out for yourself when I finally convince you. Deal?"

It sounded like Merlin wasn't going to just give up on this, so Arthur agreed, feeling his resolve on his promise to himself to never go to Merlin's place start to crumble.

This was going to be difficult to keep impersonal, especially with Merlin drawing him in so easily.

Arthur took a sip of his drink, immediately feeling like it was off, so used to his mug. He did miss it, that's why he avoided coming here for the past couple of weeks, knowing he would have to go without the cup now.

"Oh yeah," Merlin said, drawing Arthur’s attention back to him, "So, I think it’s pretty obvious you’re British. But where exactly are you from? And why’d you come to Armagh?"

Arthur leaned back in his seat, clearly used to the question. His accent made him stand out, and people were always curious how someone like him ended up here. "I’m from Exeter, lived there basically my whole life. I never thought I’d move anywhere else, let alone to Northern Ireland. But Leon was on a study abroad program, and when his term ended, he asked me to come here with him while he finished school."

Merlin’s eyes lit up. "Exeter? I’ve never been, but I went to school in London for a few years."

"London?" Arthur said with interest. "How’d you find it?"

"Really? How’d you like it?"

"It was... different than I expected, but I loved it," Merlin said, a faint smile tugging at his lips. "We didn’t do much sightseeing, but I used to walk past the British Museum almost every day."

Arthur’s eyebrows lifted. "No way. I went to university not far from there, lived just a few streets over."

Merlin’s breath caught for a moment. "Maybe that’s where we were supposed to meet."

Arthur frowned slightly, though his tone stayed light. "Maybe. Or maybe it’s just a coincidence."

"Do coincidences even exist in this universe?" Merlin chuckled humorlessly, being certain that it was originally supposed to turn out that way, them meeting in Armagh. Nothing else really made sense.

If only Arthur didn't move here. Well, actually, Merlin still got the opportunity to meet him anyway. It was more if only Arthur didn't already have a soulmate.

That would have made everything go much easier.

But, it was something Merlin could deal with.

He decided to change the subject, not liking the look creasing over Arthur's features, "So. Does Leon go to the university nearby?"

Arthur shook his head, "No, he's going to a technical school that's a little bit away."

"Then how'd you end up here, in a cafe practically on campus that is almost exclusively frequented by college students?"

Arthur pointed out of the window to a building across the street, "Because I work there." He froze after saying that, thinking if that was a smart thing to do, "Don't stalk me, though."

Merlin laughed, easing Arthur's worries. It didn't feel like they were strangers only finding out that the other even existed for the first time two weeks ago, but they were. They did talk over text during that time, but it was just spatters of conversations, nothing really of substance. "Don't worry. I would rather have you want to see me. Bad idea to make my soulmate bothered by my unwanted presence."

Arthur untensed, slowly warming up to Merlin, but not wanting to be stupid and trust him fully. It was always better to be cautious, even if Merlin only seemed dangerous in the way of making Arthur think things he shouldn't be.

"I just need to leak my address now, then you'll have the complete set of places I could be," Arthur muttered, annoyed with himself.

Merlin smiled gently, "I don't have a job, but I can show you where I go to school and my apartment, if that will give you something to hold over my head."

"Are you just trying to get me in your bedroom, Merlin?" Arthur chuckled, this being the second time already that Merlin offered Arthur to come into his house.

"Well," Merlin grinned, "It's only the first date, but I wouldn't say no to that happening."

The smile fell from Arthur's face at the mention of the word date. Merlin was considering this to be that, too, then.

Merlin saw the reaction, regretting his hasty words, even if they were mostly intending to be sarcastic. He shouldn't make jokes like that when Arthur didn't know his humor, especially since the other had said explicitly this wasn't a date.

"Sorry, I was kidding," Merlin hurried to fix his mistake, "I know that's not what we're doing."

Arthur relaxed, he didn't need to get so defensive, "Oh, it's fine. I know you were just going along with what, uh, I was saying."

His face burned as he brought his cup back up to his lips, knowing he was the one who started that kind of talk in the first place.

Arthur thought he was already finished with this awkward first stage, going through it with Leon for what he believed to be the last time.

Having this point with two people who didn't know each other very well, having to carefully choose their words, see what lands and what doesn't. Unsure where to take the next step, not wanting to make the wrong move.

And especially with how complicated and fragile this situation was, Merlin didn't want to mess anything up.

The silence was unbearable as neither knew how to push forward, not having something readily to move onto.

That's when the waiter saved them a second time, placing down Merlin's order. A drink and a slice of cake.

And two forks.

"Thank you," Merlin nodded kindly to the staff, then turned back, gesturing towards the cake, "Do you want any?"

Arthur perked up. He loved the cake here, only allowing himself to get it on special occasions lest he fall into debt or a raging sugar addiction.

He couldn't pass up on the offer, but still had to ask, "Are you sure?"

Merlin gave him a warm grin, picking up the fork and handing it over to Arthur, "Of course, I got it with the intention of sharing, like a gentleman."

They ate the dessert together, Merlin insisting that Arthur have the last bite, their conversation going more smoothly than before, familiarity already starting to creep into their tones.

Arthur was always receiving the questions, almost never giving out his own. But, he wanted to know more about this Merlin character, see if he was worthy of his consideration. "So, Merlin. Anything you want to tell me about yourself? What have you been up to for, like, your whole life?"

Merlin chuckled, meeting Arthur's gaze with mirthful eyes. "Honestly, I've just been looking for you."

Oh, that's right. The subject of them being soulmates can never just be put aside, that's what is even connecting them together.

That's why they are here, right now, talking in Arthur's favorite cafe, sharing a slice of cake and having an enjoyable conversation. At the end of the day, the issue of them being soulmates is still present, as it always will be.

Arthur already felt guilty that he had Leon, his first soulmate who was completely unaware he was meeting anyone else like this, keeping Merlin a secret from him.

But, he was also starting to feel guilty that he was Merlin's soulmate in the first place. It wasn't Arthur's fault that he was already with someone else, but it meant that Merlin was missing out being with the one he should be able to be with, his soulmate.

But, things didn't always go to plan. It wasn't an exact science, clearly as Arthur had two soulmates.

It shouldn't be that way, neither of them hearing about multiple soulmates before, but, of course, it had to happen to them.

"Right," Arthur replied softly, looking away, gaze resting on the green hue of Merlin's shirt. It was such a nice color, one that looked like it would be cool against your touch when you brushed over the fabric.

Something about Merlin's clothes always seemed unreal, like they were filled with more color than they should be. Perhaps it was just the fact that his soulmate was wearing it.

Because Arthur noticed that Merlin stood out to him more than anyone else, like there was a glow emanating around him. He was brighter than the rest of the patrons sitting in the cafe, eyes shining in a blue he didn't want to look away from as soon as he did.

Merlin was color itself.

And, Arthur was adamant on never letting Merlin come anywhere near Leon, not wanting to see what he feared he would, that Leon might pale in comparison.

It would be unfair to do such a thing to him, someone Arthur loved so dearly. It would be cruel. As cruel as fate seemed to be towards all three of them.

What actions could have wrought upon them this complicated mess? Merlin losing out on a soulmate entirely, Arthur having two, Leon's view not even getting to be explored as he was left out as Arthur wanted to spare him any pain.

This was between him and Merlin, something they needed to sort out.

Arthur had plenty of theories, none which could be confirmed. Maybe Merlin wasn't really seeing color, he just thought he did like Arthur had believed when he met Leon. Maybe Leon was some kind of temporary soulmate, though Arthur hated even entertaining that thought.

Maybe he wasn't supposed to have either.

It definitely felt like he didn't deserve it, as he waved goodbye to Merlin at the front of the cafe, promising they would meet again whenever their schedules lined up like this in the future.

Merlin smiled so kindly, so happy as Arthur awkwardly gave him a fist bump as a parting gesture.

He laughed, Merlin's smile feeling to Arthur like it was lighting up the air around them, saying he looked forward to meeting up again.

Arthur nodded once, walking off in the opposite direction as Merlin, not able to stop himself from what he held back from doing last time, looking back.

Merlin was still standing in the same place, very clearly still watching Arthur as he left.

The other waved again, seeing as he was caught staring after him, giving Arthur a sheepish grin.

Arthur smiled, bringing a hand up to wave a final time and turned back, not able to get the smile from his lips off his face the entire way home.

Home, that is, to someone else.

Chapter Text

A few more weeks passed, Merlin and Arthur smoothly transitioning from the nervous cautiousness they started with to the warm comfort of a budding friendship.

Gazes filled with softness, smiles brimming on their faces at almost every word they exchanged with each other.

Merlin was again locked in a friends-but-felt-like-it-should-be-so-much-more-situation.

Was he cursed to only have a one-sided love with unreciprocated feelings?

But, he could clearly see the effect he naturally had on Arthur, how his shoulders would gently lean towards him when they sat together on a bench, feeding the ducks at the park.

Merlin remembered fondly over that outing, just a few days ago, feeling so far away, like it wasn't really real, too good to have been able to experience.

Arthur really liked the ducks, getting closer to them than anyone else Merlin had ever seen without getting attacked.

His very presence brought calm and serenity. Though, Merlin was beginning to find out that Arthur was secretly bursting with chaos and mischievousness.

As Arthur warmed up to Merlin, he would render the other speechless with teasing words, things being said out of nowhere that made Merlin so curious to understand Arthur's thought process.

It didn't take long for Merlin to get over his shock at Arthur's jokes, his carefulness around him fading, joining into the banter they created.

Merlin swore he never laughed as hard as he did when he was with Arthur.

It was like they were made for each other. Well, they were soulmates, so that would make sense.

Everything about them was so easy, fitting into each other's lives perfectly, they didn't really have to try. No force needed.

At this point in time, they met about twice a week, Arthur only allowing himself to see Merlin when Leon was away, making sure he wasn't using the time they should be together with Merlin instead.

Today, they were going to a festival.

The tickets were actually ones Arthur bought for him and Leon, trying to reconcile his lingering guilt about seeing Merlin in secret, but the other at the last minute had to cancel.

Leon was forlorn, he loved any carnival or festival, ecstatic when Arthur showed him the tickets.

But, he urged Arthur to still go, even when Leon couldn't join him.

So, Merlin was the next obvious contender, though Arthur was hesitant to ask, especially since this was originally for Leon.

It felt a little on the nose, Arthur going to Leon first and it somehow leading him over to Merlin instead, the second choice.

Though Merlin was more than happy to go, he felt so many mixed emotions at the fact the ticket wasn't intended for him.

Being the second choice didn't particularly bother him, but it still hurt at times.

He couldn't be completely stoic at the fact he felt like Arthur's mistress. He tried to keep that word out of his head, not wanting that to define what they had together, but Merlin couldn't always stop the nagging feeling that's all he'll ever be.

But, none of that seemed to matter when Merlin saw Arthur's face light up as they stepped on the festival grounds, neon signs blinking bright against the evening sky, the smell of sweets floating into the air, and the jovial sound of laughter all created an ambiance of excitement. It was just a small, traveling carnival, not even in the same league as Disney World.

But, Merlin was happy they came here instead, it felt more special somewhat. And he'd already been to the other amusement park countless times, it was better that his first time here was with Arthur.

Merlin smiled softly at the green smiley face stamp inked over his hand, a physical, concrete show that Arthur was in his life, affecting it.

He would have never come here on his own, some rides were a little scary, being so high up, it made him feel dizzy. Also the fact being that Merlin really didn't have anyone else in his life he could share this with.

But, it was as if Arthur couldn't help it but bring color directly into Merlin's life, every moment they were together felt vivid, bright.

Tonight had the feeling of the neon signs surrounding them, vibrancy brimming within them, eyes catching on each other, utterly mesmerizing.

It was burning so bright they had to look away.

Merlin felt his heart flip in his chest when Arthur clutched onto his arm, pulling him towards a booth.

"I always do the duck game, can we do that first?" Arthur chattered excitedly, grinning up at Merlin with eyes so starry, he almost got lost in them.

Merlin nodded, letting himself be directed, "Always, as you wish."

Arthur didn't comment on that, but a blush dusted over his features.

He knew what Merlin meant by that. And it was too much to bear.

"How do you play?" Merlin whispered as Arthur scanned over the ducks floating aimlessly around the artificial pond.

"You hook a duck. It's in the name," Arthur giggled, leaning down the pole and capturing one of the rubber ducks.

The carnival booth worker removed it from the hook and shook his head. Not a winning duck.

"This hardly seems like a game."

Arthur huffed, but his tone was light. "It’s probably better than your game, what is it again? Because in this one, sometimes you can even win the duck."

Merlin’s face warmed. He told Arthur about it in confidence, and now Arthur was teasing him for it.

"I know you're lying when you say you've never played it."

Arthur laughed softly, successfully retrieving his second duck, "Maybe."

"We should play sometime," Merlin murmured, watching Arthur lose again. It was a careless offer, one that implied them hanging out at Merlin's apartment, which Arthur had been avoiding. Merlin didn’t think it would go anywhere.

Merlin was a little shocked when Arthur replied, "Okay. Let's do it next time."

He felt the butterflies in his stomach, ones Merlin was so familiar having when he was around Arthur.

But, these were increased ten fold, knowing that he and Arthur were slowly getting more involved in each other's lives, seeing more and more every passing day.

Merlin knew Arthur actually coming over to his home was going to change things, definitely in a better direction.

"Yeah," was all Merlin could weakly respond, watching as Arthur held his breath waiting for the final duck to be examined.

To his dismay, no prize.

"I'm so unlucky today," Arthur mourned, "I usually win at this, that's why it's my favorite."

"Let me have a go."

Arthur laughed as Merlin struggled to hook the ducks, missing and hitting them instead.

He grumbled, but quickly changed attitude when Arthur placed a steadying hand over his, Merlin's heart skipping a beat.

With Arthur giving him a little help, only just slightly cheating, Merlin hooked his duck.

Winner.

Arthur shook his head, saying of course Merlin would win on the first try. Though, the prize was just keeping the duck and not any of the more exciting winnings hanging around the booth.

Merlin grinned, holding his duck with what looked like white sunglasses on, basking in his victory.

He handed it over to Arthur, "For you."

"Merlin, I don't want your handouts."

But, he insisted, "You helped me. I wouldn't have gotten it without your magic touch. And, besides, something about this duck just reminds me of you."

Arthur didn't need that much convincing, he wanted the prize anyway, but his chest filled with an indescribable emotion at Merlin's words, breathing out, "Oh," as he took the duck.

It was a pleasant start to the rest of their night together.

Merlin warily eyed what he saw as the excessively high rides. The swinging ferris wheel in particular made his stomach churn.

Arthur laughed at him, saying it was ironic for someone this tall to be afraid of heights, but Merlin was used to the teasing, his sister did a lot of it.

But, they compromised, as Arthur wanted to go on as many as Merlin could handle, starting with the carousel.

It was the beginner one, Arthur falling into a fit of laughter the whole time out how far Merlin had to slump down in order to not hit his head on the top of the ride, and how harshly he was clutching on the pole, like this was in any way scary.

Merlin grumbled about how the up and down motion made him sick, it wasn't like he was fearing for his life, like the narrative Arthur believed.

The next one was a spinning ride, they squished together in the two seater cart, Merlin actually finding this one fun.

Arthur was the one who was affected, dizzy as he tried to regain his balance when they exited the ride, clutching onto Merlin for support.

Maybe doing these rides was okay if this is what it resulted in, Arthur heavily leaning into Merlin, needing him.

God, Merlin loved feeling needed.

They took a break from the rides, Arthur warning Merlin not to get too complacent, they were definitely going back, and headed over to the game booths again.

Merlin found Arthur was better at darts than him, and then that the other was somehow terrible at throwing a baseball, so uncoordinated even though he threw the darts with such ease and composure before.

Merlin couldn't help himself from buying the fluffy pink cotton candy that he kept seeing Arthur glance over at.

The soft sugar melted in his mouth, adding to the growing list of things Merlin could never interact with again without thinking of Arthur.

By now, they were fairly solid in their friendship, opening up to each other incrementally, spending hours talking over text and even more together.

Merlin thought the initial excitement and awe he felt when looking at Arthur would fade, slide away as the color the other brought became mundane, but it never did.

He was sadly getting used to all the colors around him, forgetting that the world looked anything other than how it did now, but still, every single time Merlin laid his eyes on Arthur, the color brightened, making him have to take a moment to process, the saturation of his vision increasing as he gazed warmly over his soulmate.

Arthur was so soft.

Merlin would often get caught up on these thoughts, a stupid grin on his face, watching as Arthur formed words with his lips, but not hearing what the other was saying.

How badly he wanted to reach out, to touch. Hold.

In every way he wanted to be connected to Arthur, physically having to keep himself back, wanting to respect Arthur's boundaries, but struggling against the pull that was urging him toward the other.

But, there was always still time. They had an abundance of that, no need to rush, they weren't going to run out.

Merlin could afford to let Arthur come to him on his own timetable, and he was always going to be there, waiting, willing to give over the love he desired to hand over to Arthur whenever he was ready.

He knew the other felt the same things he did, that's just how the soulmates deal worked. Arthur could feel in every ounce throughout his body that he was meant to be with Merlin.

Whether those feelings would ever turn romantic or not, Merlin was willing to risk it, determined to stay with Arthur no matter what.

Though, he could already feel the one-sided love start to hurt. If Arthur totally rejected him, well, that could end in some unfortunate consequences.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that. Merlin didn't have a particular penchant for flowers, after all.

Merlin was pulled from his thoughts when Arthur fed him the last piece of cotton candy, giggling softly as the other opened his mouth obediently, a quiet gasp falling from Merlin's at the brushing touch Arthur left over his lips.

He felt his face heat up, trying not to entertain any further thoughts that were dredged up from where he had firmly pressed them back.

Merlin collected himself when Arthur stood up, pulling the other along for more rides.

In his daze, Merlin found himself agreeing to go on the ferris wheel, the one he adamantly avoided.

That ride wasn't fast, which was probably worse than the alternative. That meant Merlin had an abundant amount of time to look over the edge and panic about the absurd amount of space between him and the ground.

And, to add to the horror, the seats always rocked, making him turn deathly pale, especially when people would purposefully make it swing.

Arthur was giddy, happily being buckled in, the bar being secured over both of them.

Merlin was just coming back to reality, his eyes widening in fear as the ride began to move.

He clutched the bar tightly, trying to even out his breathing. No, he wasn't going to freak out like the last time he was convinced to go on a ferris wheel, absolutely not, he could handle it, he swears.

And he didn't want to cause a commotion in front of Arthur.

The other was talking but Merlin was too focused on staying calm, there was no room for any conversation.

Arthur shifted slightly, making the seat tip down a bit, and Merlin felt tears spring up in his eyes.

It was stupid, he knew he was safe, well, most likely, he didn't get a chance to check if this particular ferris wheel was up to regulation.

That didn't matter, Merlin just needed to lie to himself and believe everything was fine.

But, feeling the cart move suddenly made him dizzy with anxiety.

He slumped down, making Arthur look over at him, startled and not knowing what to do.

"Merlin," Arthur spoke urgently, but softly, "Are you alright?"

Merlin blew out a long shaky breath. "Yeah, I'm alright. This ride is just my absolute worst nightmare."

"Why did you agree to come on with me?"

Merlin looked over at him, finding himself easily distracted, like he never had been with his fear this high, searching Arthur's concerned face.

He couldn't tell him that he wasn't really thinking in that moment, too lost in thoughts of the other, finding himself swept away and wanting to do whatever Arthur asked of him.

Instead, Merlin replied, "You seemed excited about it, I'm not here to disappoint you."

Arthur didn't have any response at that, leaving the words the other spoke to hang in the air.

Merlin glanced away a little awkwardly, knowing that saying something like that had a lot of unintended weight behind it.

Moving his eyes away was a mistake, as he was reminded of where they were, on the very precipice of the ferris wheel ride, not in some little world of their own like Merlin had lost himself in.

Merlin trembled, his face twisted into a grimace, unable to pull his gaze away from looking at the height that was causing him to panic.

He glanced down, breath held now for two entirely different reasons, as Arthur slid a reassuring hand over his own.

"Should we try to get off?"

Merlin shook his head, which surprised even himself as he wanted absolutely nothing more than to be off this ride.

But, being with Arthur was clouding over his judgment, not wanting to give up the touch, the closeness the small seat forced them to share.

"No, just... distract me," Merlin breathed, meeting Arthur's eyes, not knowing how this request would turn out.

His utter shock when Arthur reached his free hand, sliding his fingers in the back of Merlin's hair, and pulling his face against his shoulder, talking to him calm and slow, telling Merlin some unimportant stories and throwing in soft comforts that made Merlin melt.

Suddenly, he found himself not wanting to ever leave the ferris wheel.

When they stepped off the ride, neither of them knew where to look, faces pink with how intimate they just were, and small smiles that they couldn't seem to wipe off their faces.

They laughed, moving on to a more manageable ride, Merlin feeling dazed and emboldened, knowing they would never speak about that again.

But, that was okay. It made it special. A stolen moment that could exist, a comfort that would reside in Merlin's memory fondly.

The little carnival was winding down, getting ready to close for the night.

Merlin and Arthur sat in the soft grass, sharing a pretzel and speaking in low, quiet voices. The air was fresh, light. The stars glittered above them, the neon signs blinking around them, all sounds of chatter and music were drowned out, only hearing what the other was softly speaking next to them.

"Thanks for bringing me here, Arthur," Merlin murmured, brushing his hand through the grass, plucking up a few from the ground and placing them on Arthur's leg, who was having to constantly wipe them off.

But, the other wasn't annoyed, no, far from it. The gesture indicated familiarity, a fond playfulness that Arthur found Merlin brought with him whenever they spent time together.

He might protest lightly, scolding the other when Merlin ran a blade of grass over his knee, batting away his hand when the sensation tickled.

Merlin would smile, looking back down at the lawn beneath them, seemingly going to stop this time, and then, of course, he'd do it again.

In short, they were getting close, without any effort, just flowing into each other's lives and thoughts and regular schedules.

"I'm glad you went on the rides, since it's not really your thing, I appreciate you putting up with it. For... me," Arthur spoke, voice so gentle, sincere.

Merlin swallowed thickly, not being able to turn and face Arthur. "Yeah, well, with you, there's not much I would say no to."

They both maybe confessed too much in this low conversation, since the relationship dynamic they shared was still strict, meant to keep them at a distance.

But, so often things would slip through, showing them the glaring obvious direction they were supposed to be heading in, the path they were predestined to follow.

They had to ignore that, as Arthur was promised to another and Merlin wasn't willing to break through that bond the other had already forged, too worried about losing Arthur for good.

Instead, Merlin could dwell in these moments, feeling lucky to have the opportunity to be with Arthur in any way, even as the other was more detached than Merlin was himself.

He could be the mistress, just to have Arthur around.

They finally picked themselves off the patch of grass, walking slowly over to the exit, neither wanting to leave, finding it more of a struggle to part each passing day.

Arthur was always the first to go, Merlin staring off at him, like he did every time, watching as the other disappeared out of his sight, feeling empty as soon as he was alone.

It wasn't often he was bitter, but damn, if only he wasn't late. For Arthur. The love of his life.

If only he could've been on time.

Chapter Text

The furious scratching of a pen on paper filled the otherwise silent room until it quieted with an abrupt halt, ending with one last dot.

Merlin quickly scanned over his writing, not wanting to leave out a single detail. The reflection of light in Arthur's eyes. How dazed his laugh sounded when they stepped off a ride. His hair messed up in a way that made Merlin's breath catch.

There were pages filled with just this single memory, of their day at the carnival, it being now barely an hour ago since they parted. Merlin felt like he had to put every single thought to paper, every small insignificant detail needed to be recorded, like he would forget or that it somehow wouldn't be real.

The paper grounded him, placing the words down solidified that Arthur didn't only exist in his head, contained merely in swirling thoughts and hazy golden memories.

This was tangible.

Merlin carefully taped a ticket stub from one of their booth games, gliding his fingers on top to press it down, secure. Permanent.

There were various reasons why Merlin felt the need to document. Proof of Arthur's existence, not wanting to rely only on memory that would surely fade as time passes, to organize all his thoughts and feelings in the swift move of a pen.

Merlin also knew the more painful reasons, the ones that made his heart ache as the pages filled with his musings.

That this could be all he'll ever have of Arthur.

In the beginning, when Merlin first laid eyes on the other, he'd been confident, brushing off concern of Arthur's current, and in his mind, soon to be previous, boyfriend.

At the time, it was inconsequential.

Now... the problem was more complex. Merlin felt conflicted. Guilty.

He shouldn't be in love with someone who already filled that place in their heart.

Especially since hearing how happy Arthur was. When Merlin would prod and pester, trying in his insistent manner to get Arthur to open up, spill stories about his life in a way he so rarely did.

Merlin almost hated hearing them sometimes, but not as much as he was dying to know more.

As nearly all centered around Arthur's other soulmate. Leon.

Arthur made it sound like his life didn't even begin until he met Leon. Which, even though Merlin felt the exact same way about Arthur, the insinuation still made him roll his eyes.

Leon had years with Arthur, and clearly, he was successful in making the other happy.

Arthur relayed fond memories of their lives together, and the seemingly endless shenanigans they would get themselves into. His smile would be warm, his voice soft and sweet, always so happy when he talked about Leon.

Merlin's chest would tighten, his throat constrict, knowing he was the cause of trouble in the calm water of Arthur's life.

Even Arthur himself admitted he never faced much adversity, things often just went smoothly in his course of life, sighing with a smile that he definitely got too comfortable and that everything was suspiciously too easy.

Arthur left out the unspoken words, the ones Merlin knew he intentionally didn't say.

Until now.

Everything was easy, until now. Until Merlin.

Why would the universe do this? Bring Merlin close to Arthur when he clearly couldn't have him. It felt unnecessarily cruel.

Every day, Merlin was starting to doubt the chance he thought he had, that Arthur would ever choose him.

Still, it would take a lot for him to truly give up.

Merlin tried to convince himself that this relationship they had now was enough, that he could be happy with whatever Arthur gave him. But, in his heart and soul, he knew it was a lie. In every way, Merlin was attuned with Arthur, how his breathing stopped when Arthur would barely give him a brushing touch, how Merlin felt he was giving himself away when his eyes were pulled down until they landed on Arthur's lips.

He wanted more.

And he couldn't shake the feeling that he would never have it.

The worries from before all melted away, replaced by utter disbelief.

Merlin couldn't keep his eyes away, smile dopey and filled with simmering excitement as he watched Arthur pass through his doorway.

As much as Arthur gave him pushback in the past times he'd mentioned it, shooting Merlin a pointed look that said he wasn't going to even consider coming to his apartment, here Arthur was, standing hesitantly on Merlin's carpet and waiting for the other to do something.

Here's the thing, Arthur knew this was a bad idea, hence why he avoided letting Merlin convince him to come over.

He didn't want to be pulled deeper, even though that was already happening, but still, Arthur wanted this one blockade up, trying and failing to keep them at a distance.

Arthur eventually gave in to his own desires, as much as he pushed them down and stamped out the burning embers of his flaring curiosity.

Maybe Merlin was doing it intentionally or he didn't even realize, but he spoke of his home frequently. Arthur realized it was probably because that's where he spent the majority of his time.

Something about the way Merlin would get lost in one of his rambles about his plants, about how delicate they truly were, the sensitivity they had to light and water, despite needing both to survive.

Merlin would be genuinely upset when one wasn't doing well, wilting and drooping no matter what he tried to do to fix it. Arthur would tease him, but the way Merlin truly cared made something warm in his chest.

And, always, even if the plant was on the brink of death, Merlin would always salvage it, breathe life back into the leaves and he would beam with pride as he told Arthur of his success.

It was simple things like that, details that were making Arthur sway and skirt the edge of falling.

Some days he didn't care if he made the leap, comforted by the fact Merlin would surely catch him at the bottom.

And other days, Arthur would retreat so far back from that edge, horrified that he let himself get so close, and turn away from it, willing the ledge to cease its existence.

That never worked, and it always led him back here.

Back to Merlin.

The door was still held open, the sunlight filtering through, making particles usually invisible dance across the room. Merlin seemed frozen in place, hand stuck on the doorknob, the stupid grin plastered across his face, the open, awed gaze unapologetically raking over Arthur's features in front of him.

It was like this was the first time Merlin was ever seeing him or something.

Arthur cleared his throat, feeling his face burn, darting his eyes away when he caught Merlin staring, "Um, are we just going to stand here or…?"

His words seemed to break Merlin from the spell he was under, quickly shutting the door with a laugh, his adrenaline spiking and leaving him dizzy when they were inside, together. Alone. In his house.

He tried not to get too many ideas.

Merlin pointed at the unimportant rooms in his apartment, the uninteresting kitchen and average living area, the places he spent almost no time in, leading Arthur deeper, bringing him further into his house, his heart, as they stepped inside Merlin's bedroom.

Arthur's eyes immediately focused on the center of attention, the plants. Merlin smiled somewhat smugly, setting up his room in a way to cause that very reaction, and didn't have a chance to test it out with another person, until now.

Merlin was glad he saved it for Arthur.

He watched as the other walked carefully over to the desk and shelves that housed the greenery. Arthur pinched a leaf from the plant contained in his mug.

He laughed breathily, sliding a finger along the mirrored, gleaming surface.

As much as Arthur missed his special little cup, he knew deep down that Merlin loved it more than he ever did.

It wasn't something Merlin ever expressed, and Arthur didn't know why the thought passed through him and settled firmly on truth, but it made him relax, knowing a piece of him was safe, here, with Merlin.

Arthur took in the rest of them, impressed by how many Merlin was able to keep alive, and not just that, prosper.

He lingered on a smaller one, taking time to admire the softness of the long, thick leaves, almost an ashy green. Arthur started to move his hand away, looking over at Merlin when he spoke up.

"That's the one, then."

Arthur's face scrunched in confusion, not able to ask for further clarification as Merlin continued, picking up the plant and placing it in Arthur's hand.

"The trade. You gave me the mug, so I give you a plant," Merlin recalled for the other, his voice turning serious and earnest, "Please take it."

Arthur didn't reply for a moment, looking down at the item in his palm. The words of resistance, of saying he would surely kill it or a trade was completely unnecessary, all died on his tongue.

There was no way to deny he wanted it. Arthur wanted this plant so badly, it would hurt to even attempt to refuse.

"Oh," he breathed out, glancing back up at Merlin, "Just... write some instructions. So this plant can actually live another day."

Merlin nodded, seeming excited that Arthur didn't fight with him, quickly grabbing the closest thing to him to scribble down some notes, that being what Merlin dubbed his 'Arthur notebook'.

It was one of the low maintenance plants, and Merlin assured it would hardly need to be taken care of, Arthur could just leave it on a windowsill and it would be fine.

Arthur nodded as he listened, watched as Merlin carefully tore the page from the book and handed over the instructions to Arthur.

Before Merlin closed the book, a small slip of paper fell from the pages, gently floating down to the floor.

Arthur set his newly acquired items on the desk and leaned down to pick up the small square.

He immediately recognized what it was.

A movie ticket. The one he watched with Merlin a few weeks ago, when he was excitedly talking about the film, disappointed that Leon wasn't interested in seeing this one, and in Arthur's overwhelming elation when Merlin expressed his own desire to go, agreed to meet up and watch it together.

Not a date, they both told themselves, even when the moment they saw each other, that's exactly what it felt like.

They brushed hands, the touch lingering much too long for friends, and Arthur felt gnawing, endless guilt for days.

Whenever he tipped into that awful headspace, like he was doing some inexcusable betrayal, he would find himself overcompensating with Leon.

Despite not knowing the reason for Arthur's sudden forwardness, Leon enjoyed greatly what he was given, keeping Arthur close in their mess of sheets, asking the other what in the world got him in this kind of mood, all of the sudden.

Arthur felt shameful, knowing he couldn't tell Leon the truth, what, or rather, who, was the real cause behind it.

He also didn't answer the texts that came from Merlin for a little while after, Arthur's heart feeling torn that Merlin didn't know what his actions caused him to do, with someone else.

It was a low moment, and Arthur didn't stew in his misery for long. He pulled away from Merlin for a bit, things got better, everything evened out, the universe seemed to right itself again, and Arthur moved past it.

The ticket was a glaring reminder of Arthur's fragile hold on the whole situation.

Embarrassed, Merlin tried to grab the paper from the other's hands, but Arthur held it out of reach. He looked at the book in Merlin's grasp, feeling a mix of fear and the flames of hot curiosity start to lick at his heart. "What's that?"

Merlin was hesitant, unsure how he would explain the thing he held in his hands. "It's, uh, a journal. I guess."

Arthur's interest was thoroughly piqued. His head was telling him not to look, resist the temptation to confirm what he already knew that was written in those pages, that it was about him.

Merlin was obvious, it wasn't a difficult thing to surmise. And Arthur was lacking in the self control to stop himself from the greed of seeing.

Arthur placed his palm out, something inside him burning bright with satisfaction when Merlin obeyed to the gesture, the notebook placed in his hand with a defeated sigh from Merlin.

Even as he watched, the nervousness coursing through his veins as Arthur flipped the pages and scanned the text, a part of Merlin was thrilled.

A deep, dark part of him wanted this to happen. To have Arthur read how much he means to him, how Merlin truly sees the other from his lens.

It was a dangerous desire.

Merlin was careful to not let Arthur see the pages tucked away in the back of the book.

Arthur was amused, and his expression clearly showed his struggle to tamp down how he felt. "I think I was right about you being a stalker."

Merlin let out a long breath, one he didn't know he was holding as he waited eagerly to hear Arthur's reaction. It seemed he was taking a humorous approach to the situation. "I think there would be a lot more creepy details if that was the case. You know me, I would be thorough. Having a wall of blurry pictures I took of you as I hid behind a bush."

"I feel like you're just giving yourself ideas," Arthur laughed, running a finger over a line written that said:

'Arthur had a cat when he was younger. I was thinking about getting a cat, I wonder if he would like that.'

Inside, he responded to the question presented by Merlin in the notebook. Yes. Arthur thought, I would love it.

"I think you're just projecting what you do onto me. That's my theory," Merlin mused, glancing down to the text Arthur was pressing his finger intently near, "And, I would get a cat, by the way, but my landlord doesn't approve of it.

"What a shame."

Merlin agreed, wanting to press, wanting to know, so he did, "Would you come over more, if I had a cat?"

"Definitely," Arthur giggled, "I would move in if you got one."

Merlin's world stopped for a moment, all focused on Arthur, soaking in the offhand joking comment. He breathed out, and everything started again. "Then it would be our cat."

Arthur lulled his head to the side, like he was genuinely thinking about this possibility. "And what would the name be? Arthur Jr.?"

"Why do you get to pass down your name?" Merlin questioned incredulously, "But, as a back up plan to that, I always wanted a brown cat named Beans."

"Beans," Arthur repeated, deciding whether he liked how the word fell from his lips, the answer being definitely, "That's cute."

Merlin was swimming in the praise, getting a little lost in this fantasy of them, together, with a cat that was only theirs.

It dissipated, and Merlin was brought back to reality with the firm close of the notebook, Arthur giving it back, the movie ticket slotted back to the page it belonged.

The hope stubbornly refused to die in him, Merlin admitted in resignation. Especially in small exchanges like this, how Arthur could so calmly say something of that caliber, them moving in together.

Maybe he was stupid, or, as Merlin looked at Arthur making himself comfortable on the bed, that maybe, this was how things were supposed to play out and eventually, they would be together.

Merlin had to hold onto that possibility, even as unattainable it all seemed right now.

He knew he still had pieces of Arthur, ones that would build up and at some time in the future, Merlin could have all of him.

But, for now, he was content as he joined Arthur on the bed, asking if he really wanted to play his game, like he said at the carnival, it being the reason Arthur was here in the first place, or do something else.

"Though I definitely want to do that," Arthur grinned, "I kinda want a tour of your stuff. You have a lot of... interesting decor."

Merlin huffed exaggeratedly, "I feel like you're talking about my legos and I find that offensive."

Arthur laughed, the sound sinking into Merlin's skin as it filled his room with happiness, god, how Merlin never wanted the empty silence that was inevitable after Arthur left for today.

If only he could relive today, over and over again in an endless loop.

A strange thing to hope for, Merlin could admit, to be stuck in a groundhog day time paradox; but, he often thought that way when some certain days never felt like enough time, Merlin desperate to stay forever in that perfect joy.

"I was talking more about those pins. How do you have so many?"

Merlin followed Arthur's line of sight to rest on the giant cork board filled to the brim with pins. "I got some as a kid," Merlin explained, getting up and leading Arthur over to his board, "And I found they're very addicting to collect."

They surveyed over the various enamel, plastic, and even a few clay pins, those ones were made by Merlin himself.

It felt as if his whole life were displayed on this simple canvas, contained within small metal pins that laid out the course of his life. Pins that signified where he went, where Merlin made an impact, taking pieces from innumerable shops, places, and even people, that all combined together to build up this whole collection, a story of Merlin.

There was a pin he won in an auction, from some video game he played just to have the credentials to display it. Now, that was one of his favorite games.

Many were bought from small little gift shops in the different states and countries Merlin had traveled to. It was easy enough to buy, a little trinket that never seemed to hold much meaning until he bought it and stuck to the board.

There were pins from thrift stores, ones he got as gifts, a few he couldn't help himself from ordering online late into the night. Merlin loved them, yet, hardly thought about the pins unless he was buying them or adding it to the cork.

Arthur enjoyed all the stories Merlin could remember and, completely unable to stop himself, Merlin slid a pin from its place, poked it gently through Arthur's shirt, and clasped it in place.

They both held their breaths while Merlin did this motion, Arthur laughing softly but uncertain.

The pin was just a hand holding a blue flower. Merlin never knew the color until now. Until Arthur had looked at it and seemingly filled the pin with color right on the spot.

The blue was Arthur, there wasn't more Merlin could describe it as than that. It felt like the pin just belonged to him, and Merlin didn't hesitate to give it over.

Arthur, on the other hand, did. "Why do you keep giving me things?" he asked, voice quiet, trying and failing to cover up his glowing warmth at Merlin's sharp eye, easily seeing what Arthur admired, and even more astonishing, handing it over to him.

Merlin shrugged, his smile matching Arthur's demeanor, "Something about you makes me want to give everything away, just in the hope that you might keep it."

Arthur's breath caught, and he couldn't hold Merlin's gaze, turned away, and dissipated the feeling that hung in the air around them.

This is exactly why Arthur didn't want to come here, and the same reason he never wanted to leave.