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“Sorry to steal him away, but your offices of Tech Genius and Book Genius are officially closed for the evening,” Penelope announced as she yanked Spencer’s coat off the back of his chair, almost making him flip backwards in the process. Whatever she had planned, she was very eager to get there.
Assuming he was the book genius in this scenario, Spencer didn’t have a clue what she was talking about. He was planning to go back home as soon as he finished up his case study, and perhaps stopping by the grocery store if he was feeling particularly adventurous.
“We are?”
“You’re coming with me for coffee. I’ve got a surprise just for you.”
“I don’t like surprises.”
“No, you don’t like not being able to guess surprises. You like the idea of a surprise,” she corrected. Although he was certain he knew himself better than she did, he shrugged and stood up, taking his coat off her. It wouldn’t hurt to humour her, though he had the dreaded feeling she was trying to set him up with someone. She had that look in her eye where she thought she was being a good Samaritan, and he doubted it was there because she'd found a book signing for one of his favourite authors.
“You’re not cheating on me, are you, babygirl?” Derek asked.
“On you, my dear? Never. Just taking this one for his daily socialising,” she replied. It was definitely a blind date. He waved goodbye as she dragged him out, and they waved him off like a soldier being drafted into battle.
Penelope was being unusually tight-lipped. He did his best to get her to crack, but all he could get from her was what he already knew. They were going for coffee, where he’d be met by a surprise.
He reminded her that he wasn’t good at dating; in fact, he’d never dated anyone before and barely had enough flirting experience to pass as flirting rather than a platonic compliment. Not a murmur.
He added that he couldn’t date within the FBI because Derek told him not to, and whilst he didn’t always get the rules passed down to him, he still followed them to some degree. Not even a peep.
He mentioned how relationships were difficult to maintain in this job, and he didn’t have the desire necessary to make it work, so he shouldn't give someone the impression he did. He got a scoff for that, but when he pointed out how half the team played the field or were otherwise divorced, she let him have that point.
They finally stopped after passing several coffee shops, and Spencer reflexively went for the door first, intending to open it for her and follow behind like a sort of lost duckling until she picked out whatever unfortunate soul was tasked with being set up with him. He froze when he spotted a familiar face inside, one he would never place without an eidetic memory due to hardly seeing it.
There, sitting at a table in a plush armchair, a coffee in one hand and his phone in the other, was Spencer’s father. William hadn’t changed a bit, but that was to be expected. It’d been a few months, and people don’t change all that much in such a short span of time, but part of Spencer wished that he had at least had the decency to look haunted or otherwise haggard after being confronted by his estranged son. He looked the same as he did then. A regular man in a suit you’d see on a billboard advertising some housing agency or lawyer firm. He hadn’t caught sight of them yet, and Spencer thanked his lucky stars that he saw William first so he could make sure he never did.
What the hell was he doing here? Spencer certainly didn’t invite him, and he couldn’t see how any of the cases presented to him at the firm in Vegas would bring him to Quantico. The confidence he’d had in his office was lacking now as he lingered at the door, not quite comprehending what he was seeing. If he were in legal trouble, Spencer wouldn't give him so much as a pleasant character witness, if he gave one at all. Whatever he was here for, he could keep it to himself.
Spencer slowly turned to Penelope, ready to explain what was wrong, but she seemed to realise he’d seen his surprise earlier than intended, and in turn, he realised why she hadn’t said a word the entire time. His chest tightened, his heart rate spiked as he was tossed between anger and betrayal. He started to back away, but the street was busy, and he was pushed right back to the same spot.
“Before you say anything,” she began, confirming that she knew full well who was sitting in front of them. Whatever safety or trust Spencer had in her was shattered; he could almost hear it crack and give way under the weight of it all. “I promise, I will be with you the entire time and the moment he tries to downplay anything, I will be there as your backup.”
“I can’t believe you,” he whispered. He hated the newfound roughness in his voice, the way it sounded clogged and punched out of him. No doubt, his expressions looked as wrecked as he sounded. Her eyes widened as though only now she’d thought of the possibility that he wouldn’t want this.
“I know this is a lot, but you wouldn’t have come if I told you the truth.”
“And you still thought I wanted to see him?”
“I just thought-”
“You just thought you would meddle in my life for what? Did you think I’d be overjoyed seeing him again after everything?” He’d gained a firmer tone, but he felt no more stable. He didn’t know what on earth had given her the impression that it was not only okay for her to reach out to his father but also to trap him into meeting with him again. He learned everything he needed to know in Vegas and wanted it left there. William wasn’t a man he wanted to know.
“Look, I’m not going to even begin to justify the slimy stuff he’s done, but I just thought maybe it would give you a little- I don’t know- some sort of bookend to it all,” she explained, and it did nothing to appease the anger growing inside him. “He cares about you, Spencer, and he’s really proud of you and if you just gave him a chance-”
“He decided to abandon me, and he has to live with it. I’m not just going to forgive him because he’s decided now I’m worth knowing.”
“I'm not saying you have to, but maybe it's something to think about. He’s come all this way. I just think if you let him-”
“I don’t care how far he’s travelled when he couldn’t even make a fifteen-minute commute to see me or how many accolades he has saved to his computer when he didn’t speak to me for over a decade!” he snapped. “You keep saying you think this, you think that, well, you thought wrong. I don’t want to know who he is now, I don’t care if he wants to try now, I can’t stand to look at him, let alone sit down and what? Have a coffee and chat? He abandoned me, not the other way around! I don’t owe him anything!”
“I didn't say-”
“I don’t care what you’re saying. I can’t believe- you can’t just,” he couldn’t get out how he felt. His body was a shaken cola bottle waiting to burst open, spraying every insult and disparaging remark he could think of, but the lid was on too tight. He seemed to ache with frustration, his fingers hurting from how hard they’d been gripping onto the door handle the entire time.
Spencer couldn’t stay here. He shook his head and made a concerned effort to break into the shuffling crowds and get as far away as possible. He heard Penelope calling after him, yelling half-explanations and half-apologies, but he didn’t want to listen to a word of it. Shelving his personal life away from the team used to make him feel awful, like he was taking in all their private issues and sharing none of his own, yet now he couldn’t feel more thankful that he’d waited to drip-feed them what he had shared already. He could be glad that it backfired with something everyone already knew.
After returning from Vegas, Spencer thought he’d made it entirely clear how he felt about William. He thought everyone was aware that although his father was innocent of being a murderer, he was still guilty of abandoning his family, and he wanted nothing to do with him. He didn’t leave a number or give some semblance of hope that one day he’d move on because he simply couldn’t, and as unfair as William had been to him, two wrongs didn’t make a right. He truly couldn’t care less that William had watched him from afar, feeling proud of the work he never contributed to.
Some assumed he didn’t remember much about his dad since he only ever referenced him in relation to the abandonment. If he were being kind, which Spencer had no care to be, he would say William was an alright dad until he walked out. If he were being realistic, he would say William wanted more than he could ever offer. He wanted a son who would hit home runs, ace all his tests, be the most popular kid in school, and be a boy’s boy who was humble but confident at the same time. Spencer was a quiet, introverted kid who was flying through school but couldn’t catch a ball to save his life. All that academic talent wasn’t enough to spare him from disappointment. He distinctly remembered being told off for being bullied by a girl a year or so younger than him, as though he got to pick out his bullies at the beginning of the school year. He remembered having his hands tapped lightly or held together by William when he stimmed in public because it drew unwanted attention.
Whilst William left much to be desired, at the end of the day, he chose to have a baby, knowing he couldn't control who they would be. He chose to be a father, and he didn’t get to try it out for ten years before deciding it wasn’t for him. Spencer would’ve still chosen him despite their differences just for the moments when his father had lit up at his test scores, and having someone there for when his mum took her turns for the worse. Instead, Spencer was left balancing chequebooks, choosing between his required textbooks and paying their bills, spending his childhood being the adult, only to enter adulthood feeling like a tall child. Scholarships would’ve been earned with pure pride rather than desperation, knowing that he would never get out if he didn’t get one. His mum could've stayed in the home he grew up in. He wouldn't have to leave that home to rot because he couldn't get in contact with his dad to agree to put it on the market.
What stung the most was Penelope forcing him to face William with no warning or build-up. He trusted her, and he never had any doubt in doing so before now. He understood that she was an optimist and perhaps losing her own father had her worrying if the same fate befell Spencer, he would regret not speaking his mind, but that would be his choice to regret. He didn’t need someone reaching over his head and telling him what he would or wouldn’t regret, and he would never regret keeping all ties to William severed. William agreed to be there in sickness and in health. Spencer was sure there wasn’t a secret clause stating there was such a thing as too sick that allowed you to walk out on your wife and kid, no questions asked. Whatever care William appeared to show, it may be enough for Penelope, but it wasn’t enough for him, and that should’ve been the end of it. At most, she could’ve suggested that they reconnected, but she’d already be pushing it by doing so. She skipped straight into herding him to his doom.
He knew two cold, hard facts that could never change when it came to himself and his father. Spencer would never get the childhood William cost him back, and William would never get his forgiveness for what he’d done.
Spencer kept walking until he came across a swing set. He couldn’t be sure what called him to sit there rather than the many empty benches, but he sat there nonetheless, giving his aching legs some rest. Stomping about was quite the workout, he thought with a mirthless smile. He wrapped his arms around the chains and gently rocked himself back and forth. He let himself calm down. All he’d done was work himself up further, and whilst he still thought he was in the right, it would do him no good. It was about then that he realised he’d been storming off in the complete opposite direction to his apartment too.
Spencer just couldn’t fathom what Penelope was thinking. In what world would it have worked out in her favour or his own? It was a stupid plan, and had he been aware of it any earlier, he would’ve told her that too and maybe she would’ve never gone through with it in the first place. What was wrong with just asking him how he was feeling? Because he’d lie, he answered himself. It still didn’t warrant bringing his estranged father all this way.
“Reid?” Penelope called out. He frowned, hoping she hadn’t been shouting the entire time he walked here. He didn’t need to look up to know she’d spotted him, the sound of her plastic jewellery clinking together getting louder as she got closer and eventually took the swing beside him. Her heels awkwardly dug into the woodchips, and the shiny outer layer was probably scratched up from the short walk through them. “You walk so fast. It’s your long legs. Big strides,” she complained as she huffed and puffed, putting her hands on her hips as if that would do anything. "Can I sit?" she added, gesturing to the swing beside him. He was tempted to say no so he nodded his head instead.
“Did you follow me all the way here?”
“Yes, and I uh- I called your dad as I was walking over, and he said that he’s still here for a few days if you wanted to try again-”
“I didn’t want to try in the first place. What makes you think I want another go at it? What makes you think I want anything to do with him?”
“He’s your dad.”
“And? My mum did everything she could for me, and I’m so thankful she did because he wasn’t about to do anything. She was the one who stood by me through everything, and she would’ve done so much more for me if her mind let her,” he muttered. “She just wasn't well, but she tried- she still tries.”
She worked her ass off to find a routine that would keep her on the straight and narrow so he could go to college. It wasn’t her fault things started to fall apart, and he couldn’t keep glueing them back together anymore. She understood that in her lucid moments. If William had been there, the decision would’ve never rested on his shoulders.
“But him? He was mentally stable, he had a good job, a child prodigy and a loving wife, and he’d rather fall off the face of the earth the moment it got hard. You can try and see it from his side because I'll admit, it must've been difficult to juggle everything, but he still abandoned his mentally ill wife with a child when she begged him to take me because she knew how hard it would be on me.” He kicked some wood chips. "I watched them scream at each other. I read the letter he left me every day for hours to find something. I never did."
“You never told me that.”
“For good reason, I’m learning,” he grumbled.
“But there was more to it than just a failing marriage. I’d struggle to play happy families too if I were covering up a murder and knew just how close my son came to being a victim of one of the worst crimes out there.”
“You want him to be a dad so much, then you have him,” he snarled back. She just didn't get it, and he didn't know if he wanted to pour this much energy into trying to make her understand. It was so obvious to him. “If you want to see the good in everyone, then you’re more than welcome to. You can see the good in him if you’re desperate, but don’t pretend like nuance absolves him of what he’s done. You weren’t there, Penelope.” He tightened his grip on the swing. “Neither was he.”
“I should’ve told you we were going to meet him.”
“No, you should’ve never gotten involved!”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re not!”
He wanted to pull out his hair because she wasn’t sorry for the right reasons, and he didn’t know how many ways he could illustrate that he didn’t want to see William again in any shape or form. He’d been fine with no happy ending in Vegas, missing out on the sitcom ending where he could hug his dad and put it all behind him, leaving a card with his number to stay in touch. He didn’t need there to be a happy ending; he just needed the dreams to stop, and they did. It was too late to need and definitely too late to want a father. She was just stirring a pot he’d been desperate to stop from boiling over.
“I hate him! I don’t understand how you’re not getting that. I hate everything about him and everything that happened to me because he wasn’t there. I’m allowed to hate him and not want to reconcile. I’m right to hate him. My mum was still sick despite everything she did for me, and I was still a child despite how smart I was, and he could’ve done something to ease that, but he didn’t.”
“I just don’t want you to look back one day and regret not reconnecting.”
“That’s the thing. I won’t regret it because I’m not the one in the wrong. He could’ve divorced my mum or separated and split custody and done everything as amicably as possible, but he chose the worst option. He chose to abandon us, to not pay child support, to not give me a break from being a full-time caregiver. He doesn’t get forgiveness for as long as I don’t get to forget how my mum wailed and begged for him to come back, or feel guilty for leaving her to get the job here.”
“I didn’t realise.”
“It shouldn’t take me telling you for you to know this was a bad idea. If I wanted him in my life, I’d do that, but I don’t want him near me because all I can ask myself when I do see him is what did I do wrong for him to just- to just leave me like I’m nothing. It’s not forgetting how to be a father that does that; it’s not caring enough. It’s your son coming out wrong.”
“There was nothing wrong with you. He’s just… crappy.”
“You’re the one who invited him here," he replied, throwing his hands up.
“I get worried about you sometimes, like all your life is just work, all your friends are work and after Gideon and Elle and nearly losing Hotch and Emily- I don’t know I saw all that stuff your dad kept and I did a me where I see things in sparkles and rainbows when it’s really just crappy people doing occasionally sweet things.” She fiddled with one of her bulky rings nervously. “I didn’t want to betray your trust. You’re just so stubborn sometimes, and I thought you were doing that thing guys do where they just refuse to talk it out.”
“I know you mean well, but you still hurt me,” he replied. He wished he could be one of those people who put everything behind them, chalked it up to misunderstandings and focused on the intentions of actions rather than their consequences, but that wasn’t possible for him. “William Reid isn’t a man worth knowing. I might still miss having a dad, but I don’t miss him, which makes no sense.”
“It makes more sense than you think.”
They rocked back and forth quietly, letting the emotions settle. He didn’t want to cut ties with her, and it’d be borderline impossible to do so without leaving the job he loved. Besides, it was Penelope. He couldn’t stay angry enough to hold out. He was still mad, just not seething as he had been.
“Can you promise that you won’t do something like this again?” Spencer asked.
“I promise, this’ll be my last act of meddling in your personal life. Even though that blind date idea you were floating around wasn’t a bad one,” she answered. He chuckled under his breath.
“I don’t have a good track record with that sort of thing. Do you remember when you, JJ and I all went to that football game together?”
“Oh my God. No!”
“Yeah! Gideon tried to set us up. I think he just wanted some drama in the workplace.”
“You’re kidding me.”
“I wish. I hate football.”
“Please tell me you left early because you actually wanted to leave and not because I ruined things.”
“I left because I didn’t like it. I think JJ handing me a hot dog pushed me over the edge,” he assured her.
“Well, that’s fair. You hate food like that, and those hot dogs are nasty.”
“Exactly, but we’re getting off topic.”
“Right. I’m sorry, and I really do mean that. I’m sorry I went behind your back. You’re right, he’s not a man worth knowing, and I completely overstepped.”
“Thanks. I’m sorry, I can’t say I forgive you just yet.”
“Don’t apologise for having boundaries. From a fellow people pleaser, I’m proud of you for having them,” she responded. She flexed her hands anxiously.
“You can hug me.”
“Oh, thank God,” she sighed in relief, immediately wrapping her arms around him. “Love ya, Reid.”
“Love you too, Garcia.”