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Published:
2025-10-17
Completed:
2025-11-02
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2,663
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2/2
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The Batcouch

Summary:

Dick finds a quite peculiar sight between the World's Finest at the batcave and decides to share it with his family group chat.

Chaos ensues.

Notes:

Usernames (most of them did NOT choose their own):
Circus Freak: Dick
Crowbar Survivor (not really): Jason
Timbo: Tim
Bruce's Not(?) Bio Daughter: Cass
Flashlight: Duke
Illegally Blond: Steph
"I'm In" Girl: Barbara
Blood Brat: Damian

I headcannon that Cass is literaly a carbon copy of Bruce expect Asian, shorter and female, that's why the nickname

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Around fifteen metres from the main computer, in one of the many dimly lit corners of the Batcave, a couch was stationed.

"Batcouch" was the name it had been given by Dick.

And despite the few bloodstains from when its softness was the only thing that could comfort the poor exhausted vigilantes in the aftermath of particularly rough missions, it seemed like one you could find at any regular home or house depot.

It had this brownish-beige coloration, three seats, and two cotton cushions of pastel colours were settled over it by Alfred. "Average" would be a good to describe its essence, which could become paradoxical, considering the surroundings of the furniture was composed by a life-sized T-Rex and a thirty feet tall penny, making its ordinary aspect, actually, odd.

The Batcouch was from the days Dick was still Robin. Since then, it had certainly been a witness to many critical moments for the team in general; ones that were heartily remembered—like the arrival of new members to the family throughout the years—, or that were wished to be forgotten —such as the night Batman brought back to the Batcave pieces of a burned Robin suit instead of his son.

Either way, for Dick Grayson, who had his own range of bad and good experiences that he had lived or seen happening on the couch, there wasn't a single category in which he could classify this.

On the sofa, was sat his own father and Superman, both slightly injured, still in uniforms that were currently covered in dirt, napping together in a quite curious position. Bruce's head was laid on the man's shoulder while he supported his own head on top of his, their hands were intertwined and resting on top of Clark's thigh and, their facial expressions, in contrast to their current overall appearance, were a mixture of peacefulness and tranquility.

The sight had an intimacy that, if anyone else saw this, they would suppose that they had encountered a snippet of a long-lasting affair and leave the couple alone to their privacy. However, Dick wasn't anyone, and Dick definitively didn't do that.

The moment he, who had simply entered the Batcave to deliver a report of his latest mission, found the scene, he was quick to pull his cellphone out of his pocket while bearing an ear to ear smile that had only been seen in maniacs.



"Mostly Orphans"

22:34, 18/10

Circus Freak: GUYS

GUYS

GUYS

GUYS

GUYS

"I'm in" Girl: Hey, what is it now?

If it's an emergency you're supposed to use your communicator

Circus Freak: ITS NOT AN EMERGENCY

Crowbar Survivor (not really): then what tf do you want, man?

Illegally Blond: yeah, dude. what's wrong with you? text normally.

Circus Freak: GUYS

guys

guys

yall are not gonna believe this

Timbo: We will if you just say it

Crowbar Survivor (not really): stop stalling for fuck's sake

Bruce's Not(?) Bio Daughter: Speak

Circus freak sent a disappearing photo at 22:36


22:38


Timbo: Oh

Illegally blond: yeah, I don't think there's a platonic explanation for this one, fam

Crowbar Survivor (not really): You don't nap in the Batcouch with your best friends of years in a curled up and intimate way while holding hands, Steph?

Illegally Blond: I did, with Cass, then we started dating

Bruce's Not(?) Bio Daughter: 💜

Timbo: Cute and all, but back to the topic

Dick I need context

Crowbar Survivor (not really): There's not any context that would give a good explanation to this, Timmyboy

Circus Freak: Its pretty much exactly what it seems!

"I'm in" Girl: The news are saying that the Justice League was fighting a Kaiju in Metropolis only an hour ago.

Post-mission nap, I suppose?

Crowbar Survivor (not really): well I guess they're official then, huh?

I own someone twenty dollars, just gotta remember who

Blood Brat: That would be me, Todd.

Timbo: Damian what are you doing here? It's a school night, you shouldn't be up past ten.

Crowbar Survivor (not really): staying up past bedtime? how disappointing, Damian

Blood Brat: Well, I was trying to sleep when my mobile phone started buzzing because the circus I'm was forced to call family decided to not respect Father's privacy for the night. Like all nights.

Crowbar Survivor (not really): then turn off your phone and go back to sleep

Blood Brat: No, you have my attention now.

Crowbar Survivor (not really): how nice

Illegally Blond: I gotta ask, Damian

Why would you bet that they would date and not the contrary?

Timbo: Yeah, I would imagine some talk about how it would be "shameful to date a Kryptonian" coming from you.

Blood Brat: It is not because I was already expecting the relation between Father and the Alien that I don't find the situation, as it is, detrimental to Father's honour.

Besides, it is nice to take money from Todd.

And the idea of having Jon around more wasn't that bad.

Illegally Blond: ow!

Bruce's Not(?) Bio Daughter: Cute💛

Timbo: Damian 'the only true blood son' Wayne saying that he isn't completely disgusted by someone's presence? I feel like I had just witnessed a miracle.

Blood Brat: Stop directing words at me, Drake.

Flashlight: Hey fam, what's up with the 47 notifications coming from the gc?

Oh

Crowbar Survivor (not really): yeah Dickhead found out that his daddies are actually dating and is now having some sort of epiphany

Circus Freak: What do you mean my daddies?

"I'm in" Girl: Dick

They literally used to co-parent you when you were Robin.

Crowbar Survivor (not really): not to mention the years they spent eye-fucking each other

Circus Freak: Jason!

not with Damian in the group chat

Crowbar Survivor (not really): you're worried that Damian, the kid with a sword, that was raised in a death cult, that used to behead people left and right, is going to read the word "eye-fucking"? that one? this is your worry at the moment?

Circus Freak: maybe?

Flashlight: Why is the pic a disappearing photo?

Circus Freak: Oh it's because I wanted to have this advantage over you

I took the pic

its mine

Illegally Blond: how gullible

Barb, I'll give you a chocolate bar if you hack Dick's phone and send me a copy in private

Crowbar Survivor (not really): three if you send it to me and also delete it from his phone

Circus Freak: HEY

Timbo: Before you delete it please send it to me too, Babs

We both know I'm the one that least gives you headaches in this family

And I'm also going with Bernard to that one cafeteria you like next week, so, if you want, I can a big fat slice of that carrot cake I know you love.

Circus Freak: Stop bribing her!

Blood Brat: You're all going to make Gordon diabetic.

"I'm in" Girl: Done.

I've sent it to all three of you

Steph, you don't need to worry about getting me anything, three chocolate bars is enough

And, Jason, my favourite flavour is Cookies ‘n’ Cream

Circus Freak: what have you done?

its gone

the picture is gone

darn you, all of you

Crowbar Survivor (not really): he can't even swear properly

you sound like a cartoon character after being hit by a hammer

come on, just tell us to go fuck ourselves

Flashlight: Steph, why do you even want a copy? It's not like you see either of them as a father figure.

Illegally Blond: it's a free country, glowin boy

I'm allowed to enjoy a good old man yaoi

Blood Brat: I changed my mind.

After what I have read in the last few minutes, I refuse to partake in this conversation any longer, I'm retiring to my bed. Now, I would say "goodnight", but none of you deserve it.

Crowbar Survivor (not really): oh what a pity

Timbo: How will we be able to sleep at peace without Damian gracing us with a "goodnight"?

Flashlight: His absence of approval makes me start to few nauseous.

Illegally Blond: somebody get me a chair, I think I'm gonna faint.

Blood Brat: None of you are funny, farewell.

Bruce's Not(?) Bio Daughter: 👋

"I'm in" Girl: Hey, at least he gave us a "farewell".

Flashlight: Guys, I'll also need to go now. You caught me between wrapping up studying for my exam tomorrow and going to bed.

Goodnight <3

Circus Freak: also goodbye to all of you, I'm going on patrol

and, Barbara, I'll remember what happened today

"I'm in" Girl: your demurral has the same worth to me as Damian's.

Either way, good luck on patrol and goodnight to Duke.

Crowbar Survivor (not really): 'night, Duke.

Illegally Blond: Good luck on your exam!

Timbo: Goodnight!

Bruce's Not(?) Bio Daughter: 💛🧑🏾‍🦱📝👍🏻🙆🏻‍♀️


23:58, 18/10


Crowbar Survivor (not really): btw Bruce's definitely the bottom

Illegally Blond: Yeah no shit

Timbo: Fork found in kitchen

Notes:

I wrote this while on a writer's block so I decided on going with something lighter.
I really hope you liked it!
Feel free to leave a comment, you have no Idea how they make my day better, even the ones with constructive criticism
My insta if you want to check: @doardadonato

Chapter 2: Saint Peter’s Cathedral

Summary:

Jason Todd catches a glimpse of his father love life while going to a safehouse of his.
He immediately leaves, of course, but not before making sure to share the moment with his whole family.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Batman had a favourite brooding spot, the furthest on the left gargoyle on top of Saint Peter's cathedral in the Narrows.

However, if you asked the man, he would clarify on how it wasn't actually a "brooding spot" —as his children loved to call it—, explain that he enjoyed coming there to think, talk about the view he had of almost the entire city up there, and elaborate on how it was only location on Gotham in which its daunting sounds couldn't reach as well as the other grounds.

It was a calming haven for Bruce. Somewhere he could go to clear his mind, where he could finally breath and, in stressful times, think what should be his next steps.

It was extremely reserved, perhaps even sacred for him, considering its location. Despite the few Robins in very specific circumstances, he never took anyone else to the site.

Which is why when Jason Todd, crossing the Narrows on his way to a safehouse in the extreme side of the neighbourhood, saw his own father and Superman on top of the Cathedral, sloppily making out, hands roughly trailing up and down and side to side on each other's bodies, had the reasonable reaction of looking twice to know if what he had seen was true, and immediately hiding himself in the darkness of a rooftop to not be noticed by the couple.

Lurked in the shadows, he stared bewilderingly. Having a similar reaction one would have while driving past a road accident —wanting to stop looking but not being able to—, he knew he shouldn't have be watching his own father in such an intimate moment, but, at the same time, he saw an opportunity he most probably would never have in his life again.

Pulling out his cellphone out of his pocket, the twenty-two-year-old and fully-grown man giggled to himself as he opened the camera app. Then taking a picture of the scene, he swiftly fled the rooftop.



"Mostly Orphans"

21:47, 29/10

Crowbar Survivor (not really): ladies and gentleman and Damian

you must be wondering why I gathered all of you here

Flashlight: Hey

Bruce's Not (?) Biological Daughter: 🤵🏻‍♀️👋🏻

Timbo: This is a a group chat

"Gathering" is pretty much its primarily function.

"I’m in" Girl: Yeah and it wasn't even created by you.

Blood Brat: And why was I undisclosed?

Crowbar Survivor (not really): I didn't want you in the conversation to begin with

but this is the only group chat we have that Bruce isn't in

so…

Circus Freak: how mature, Jason

"I'm in" Girl: How old are you again? I remember it starting with "twenty".

Crowbar Survivor (not really): okay, okay, whatever

now stop insulting me and listen to what I have to say

or rather, show

Timbo: You must be feeling really edgy and mysterious right now, aren't you?

Illegally Blond:

Crowbar Survivor (not really): "you must be wondering why I gathered all of you here"

Crowbar Survivor (not really): "or rather, show"

hi guys sorry I was gone for a minute. after reading those sentences I had to puke the cringeness away

Crowbar Survivor (not really): okay, got it, cringy and all

now stop the roasting for a second please

look, we all know that old church in the Narrows, right? the one that B likes to brood in and never took many of us?

Circus Freak: Saint Peter's?

Crowbar Survivor (not really): yes that one

now look at this

Crowbar Survivor (not really) sent a disappearing photo at 21:51


Bruce's Not (?) Biological Daughter: Ew ew ew

Illegally Blond: holy shit I can even see some tongue

Timbo: Jesus Christ

Flashlight: I don't think even He can help us, Tim

Circus Freak: Jason for the love of God, Damian is in the group chat

as tho as I am happy B is in a relationship good for him you can't just send something like that

Crowbar Survivor (not really): well, I literally said I didn't want him in the group chat then y'all got mad at me

"I'm in" Girl: You could have just asked me to kick him out and then add him back when we were done talking.

Crowbar Survivor (not really): oh

yeah, that makes sense, I should have done that

Circus Freak: well, has he seen it yet? Barb can you delete the messages from his phone and remove him from the gc before he does?

"I'm in" Girl: You didn't talk to me for a whole week last time when I did that to you

Circus Freak: this is a different situation, Barbara, we are talking about a boy's sanity

Blood Brat: It's too late, Grayson.

Locking your doors and windows will be a futile attempt to escape from your fate, Todd. You will be dead by dawn, for why the last thing you will ever see will be my ruthless grip on my sword slashing your throat. And when you go to Jahannam, —and everybody knows you will—, I want you to tell every person and living being there what happened to you, what you did, why are you there. When you go to Jahannam, I want the first words to come out of your mouth, your very first breath, to be my name, the only explanation necessary.

Timbo: Oh god

Crowbar Survivor (not really): I ain't reading all that

Circus Freak: okay, that's a little too much

Blood Brat: No, it isn't, Grayson, how can you simply sit and watch this man dare to denigrate our Father's honour in such a profane way?

Circus Freak: actually they were pretty much doing that in public Damian. if it wasn't Jason, then it would be literally anyone else with a phone and peripheral vision.

Crowbar Survivor (not really): so you get me

Circus Freak: no, you sent a fourteen year old a picture of his father french kissing his best friend's dad

Crowbar Survivor (not really): You make me sound like a creep

Illegally Blond: I wonder how that happened

Crowbar Survivor (not really): anyway, what I meant to bring up is:

do y'all remember three months ago, when B showed me a footage of Roy and I making out and then went on a whole hour rant on how inappropriate it was to "engage in intimate behaviour in public with any vigilante, public figure or civilian"?

well, look at that, what an hypocrite

Timbo: You literally went out in the middle of a mission with half of the team to get it on with him in a random alley.

Illegally Blond: no shade but anyone would be pretty much pissed off too

Blood Brat: Has incandesce always been a thing with Todd?

Flashlight: You can't judge him, he's taking it from his father.

Smooching another man on top of a church can be easily classified as public incandesce AND heresy at the same time.

Illegally Blond: it isn't heresy if you ain't IN the church

trust me I know

Crowbar Survivor (not really): hoe

****how?

sorry, misspelling

Illegally Blond: sure

Notes:

Hope you like it!

Notes:

I wrote this while on a writer's block so I decided on going with something lighter.
I really hope you liked it!
Feel free to leave a comment, you have no Idea how they make my day better, even the ones with constructive criticism!
My insta if you would like to check @doardadonato