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On Monday, there was a flower on Agatha’s desk.
Agatha stared at it, perplexed and suspicious and annoyed, although the hangover was at least partially responsible for that last one. Still, she was not the sort of professor that encouraged gifts from her students. It made them think that she might like them and she couldn’t have that. Then they might try to talk to her outside of class hours or think she might be their mentor or something horrid like that.
The innocuous pink and green flower was a bad omen. It had to go.
“Hey, Agatha, I wanted to know if - oh, that’s a pretty flower,” Mrs. Hart gushed as she walked into Agatha’s office uninvited.
“Mrs. Hart, what have I told you about coming in without knocking?” Agatha said with an insincere smile.
“Oh, sorry, sorry.” Mrs. Hart jogged back to the door and gave a few cheerful raps on it before jogging right back to Agatha’s desk. “Also, it’s Professor Davis or Sha-“
“Can I help you?”
“Yes, you absolutely can. I was wondering if you could lend me some post-it notes? Mine are all gone again.”
“Of course,” Agatha said, pulling a few out of her desk drawer and handing them over. Anything to end this interaction.
“You are just the sweetest, Agatha! And look, you buy the same color post-its as I do - pink!”
“Yes, it’s like we share the same mind.” Or the same post-its, at least; Agatha had been stealing Mrs. Hart’s post-its from her desk since they started working together five years ago. Also her pens and mints.
“So, who’s the flower from?”
“Probably some student looking to butter me up. Too stupid to leave a note though. Better not to encourage them so they don't try again .” She dropped the flower into her trash can.
“Oh, dear,” Mrs. Hart said, staring sadly at the flower. “But no, you’re probably right. Well, I better get back to work. Thank you again, Agatha!”
“Anytime, Mrs. Hart.”
As the older woman left, Agatha noticed Rio Vidal lingering just outside her door. Rio was staring at Agatha like she was disappointed about something.
“What?” Agatha snapped, flustered and trying not to show it. She’d found Rio annoyingly attractive ever since they’d met last year, when Rio had joined the department and taken half of Agatha’s grant money. She was determined not to do anything about the attraction, because of the grant money and because sleeping with colleagues never ended well.
That was a difficult to do on days when Rio looked this good, wearing a deep green suit with the top two buttons of her button-up undone and her hair tousled just right.
Rio smiled a knife-thin smile. “Got a secret admirer, Harkness?”
Agatha rolled her eyes. “Nothing but a stupid kid aiming for a better grade, I’m sure. Anything else you want?”
Rio’s eyes flicked over Agatha thoughtfully. “No, I guess not.”
Then she ambled away, leaving Agatha feeling hot and bothered and very, very annoyed.
*
On Tuesday, there was another flower and a book.
Agatha picked up the tome and read out in disbelief, “The Darkhold: A Complete History of Witches in the New World. Is this … is this a first edition?”
After some inspection, it was a first edition, at least as far as she could tell. What kind of college student could afford a first edition Darkhold? This kid must be rich and trying to buy their way to a better grade.
She looked at her trashcan for a few seconds before opening up her top desk drawer and tossing the book in. Who said she couldn’t be bought? Besides, the idiot still hadn’t actually asked for anything yet; she was under no obligation to do anything, at least until they offered her something else she wanted.
The flower went right into the trash.
*
On Wednesday, another flower, another gift - a bottle of merlot. Expensive merlot, the kind that Agatha kept in her cellar and only brought out for special occasions.
These gifts were suspiciously perfect for her; but then again, a history book for a history teacher and a bottle of wine for a middle aged white woman weren’t exactly difficult guesses to make. Still, she kept a close eye on everyone who passed by her office the rest of the day, watching them all with narrowed eyes.
Of course she kept the wine. And this time, she forgot to throw away the flower.
*
On Thursday the gift was rabbit food. The specific organic rabbit food that Agatha fed Señor Scratchy.
She marched into the teacher’s lounge and held the food aloft. “Okay, who’s doing this?”
The other professors exchanged confused glances. “Uh, who’s doing what?” Jen asked for the group.
“Someone is giving me gifts and I need answers.”
Billy pursed his lips. “About …”
“About how someone knew the exact rabbit food I use, Billy,” Agatha hissed at him. “The only person I let look after him is you, and the only people you talk to are your boyfriend and these morons,” she pointed around the room at the other teachers, “so is it one of you? Or are you slipping information about me to someone? A student or one of my enemies - is this rabbit food poisoned?!?”
“Okay, first of all, nobody cares what your smelly little rodent eats,” Jen said with a snort, “and second, you know Billy would die before he let that thing get hurt.”
“It’s true,” Billy chimed in. “Both the loving Señor Scratchy thing and nobody else caring what food he eats thing.”
“Then how the hell is someone doing this?” Agatha asked loudly, shaking the bag of food.
“Maybe you got hacked,” Alice offered. “Do you change your passwords every six months like you’re supposed to? Or enable multi-factor authentication?”
“Huh,” Agatha said, gnawing on her lip. “Damn.”
“Would it be so bad?” Rio asked, her eyes intense when Agatha looked over at her. “Whatever this person did to give you these gifts, they’re things you like. And it’s the thought that counts.”
“Someone might be hacking into her personal devices,” Jen pointed out. “That’s a creepy ass thought.”
Rio shrugged. “All’s fair, as they say.”
“Has anyone told you that you’re terrifying?” Lilia asked dryly.
Rio just grinned.
*
Agatha had Billy and his boyfriend look through her electronics for signs of hacking; they found none, although they suggested calling campus tech support to be sure. But Agatha was becoming more and more paranoid. How did she know that one of those tech nerds wasn’t her stalker?
Billy’s boyfriend said she needed a vacation, and Billy dragged him away before Agatha could kill him.
*
On Friday, Agatha came in at dawn to set up a camera in the potted plant across from her office to catch her stalker.
Instead, she found Rio sitting in the chair across from her desk, twirling a flower in her fingers.
“You?” Agatha shrieked, enraged. "Why?"
“Me,” Rio said, pulling an envelope out of her suit vest. “Happy Birthday, Agatha.”
Her heart stopped. “How the hell do you know it's my birthday?”
Rio titled her head. “You told me last Sunday.”
And that’s when Agatha remembered.
She’d gone to the nicest bar within driving distance of the university every night last weekend. She remembered that on Sunday she’d gotten particularly drunk, and that’s when Rio showed up. She remembered pouring out her whole sob story - how cold her mother had been to her growing up, how on her deathbed she said she’d regretted the day that Agatha had been born for the rest of her life, how every year on Agatha’s birthday that confession was all Agatha could think about.
Agatha didn’t care if most of the world hated her; she even reveled in it. But no one wanted their own mother to hate them, not even Agatha Harkness.
“Oh,” she said, too embarrassed to look Rio in the eye. “So what was all this? Were you trying to make it worse by giving me … presents … actually, no, that doesn’t make sense. Seriously, what the hell was this?”
“You said no one was happy you were born -“
“Okay, well, that was the tequila talking. And the wine. And the vodka.”
“Whatever it was, Agatha,” Rio said, her eyes big and understanding, “I wanted you to know that I’m glad you were born. Life would be pretty boring without you.”
“Well, that’s almost sweet,” Agatha said, looking down at the flower twirling around in Rio’s fingers. “Thanks, Ri-“
Before she could finish, Rio kissed her. It wasn't hesitant at all; it was considered and deliberate and consuming, a slow possession until all Agatha could do was stand there and give into it, let herself be kissed and kissed and kissed.
When she pulled back, Agatha staggered over to her desk and leaned heavily against it. “Wow.”
“This is for you,” Rio said, handing over the envelope that Agatha had completely forgotten about.
“What’s in here, tickets to the moon? ‘Cause you know how much I want to get away from the entire human population?”
Rio smirked. “Open it and see.”
Agatha did so. “Tickets to a noir film festival,” she said before turning narrowed eyes up to Rio. “I was looking at buying tickets to this a couple days ago. Did you really hack me?”
“Yes,” Rio said, unashamed. “How else was I supposed to find you the perfect gifts?”
“That’s disturbing. And weirdly hot. So is this you asking me out?”
Rio shrugged, but Agatha could swear there was a hint of a blush on her cheeks. “I guess it is.”
“Well, then,” Agatha said, sliding close to Rio once more, “you’re buying me popcorn.”
“And M&Ms. They’re your favorite, right?”
“Yeah, the hacking thing is getting more disturbing now.”
“Noted.”
*
On Monday, there was a flower on Agatha’s desk.
Agatha picked up, tucked it behind her ear, and smiled.