Work Text:
Dedra Meero knew many ways to achieve what she yearned for. Her hard labour would either bring the sweet reward or restless nights and spilled blood, however that would only make her more determined to put more effort and time in her work. One way or another, in the end it didn’t matter what short cuts or tricks she used to get what she wanted.
However not even someone as determined and hardworking as Dedra Meero could trick her own body.
Her neural system screamed for more sleep, more relax, for slowing down. It needed it.
Dedra needed it.
But once again, her own ambitions and pride were louder - and so was, in a certain way of meaning, her fear of losing her newly gained position in the Axis case. Perhaps this could be the key to get the respect from her colleagues she desired. If she showed weakness, if she slowed down, what would stop Blevin from sabotaging her hard work? He and many of the other supervisors had a lot in common with wild beasts - when they sensed blood in their prey, they would target her and dig their sharp claws to tear her apart.
No, Dedra had to do better than them. Partagaz didn’t spare anyone of public humiliation by calling them useless and their work ineffective - perhaps only with different and more sophisticated words. She didn’t wish to end the same.
She dedicated everything to her work, and for once, even though she tried to not admit it, Dedra knew she overstepped her limit. Two stim pills every day and litres of black, unsweetened caf took a great toll on her, however last night completely skipped all sleeping and in the morning decided to risk and took three stim pills at once. They felt harder to swallow and Dedra could feel a constant pressure in her stomach.
Which was more than just quite unfortunate, considering Dedra’s working day started by three hours long lecture by Major Partagaz and some presentations from the other supervisors. Supervisor Grandi, who sat right next to Dedra, scrolled through her notes written on her datapad. She was knitting her eyebrows in focus as went through the text, sometimes tapping on highlighted words and phrases, nodding for herself quietly.
She could barely pay attention after the first twenty minutes and by blank looks of some other supervisors, Dedra wasn’t the only one suffering here - but unlike Dedra, they didn’t bother to mask their minds weren’t present. Lagret, for example, fidgeted with his pen in his fingers, sometimes clicking softly to the surface of the durasteel tables. She sneered. It gave her some satisfaction she could still look interested and fully concentrated.
Unfortunately, such pretending and forced focussing cost Dedra even the little of her remaining energy. The three stim pills obviously couldn’t save Dedra’s lack of everything, maybe even started to cause more harm.
The meeting started to be too long. Dedra heard blood humming inside her ears more than she heard Corv, who now took the word from Partagaz, speaking. His voice died somewhere under the sound of her own heartbeats that started to get more aggressive. She tug on her collar in silent panic. Tiredness might be more than just annoying and hard enough to survive, but this? Her heart out of its steady, healthy rhythm, creating hiccuping feeling in her chest that could be somehow supersedes by coughing?
Dedra knew the signs of a collapse approaching very well - it wouldn’t be the first time. But she couldn’t risk fainting here, not in front of everyone. Especially when Blevin occasionally shoot an annoyed glance towards her when someone mentioned the Ferrix sector. But Dedra had no strength for a staring contest. She wished she could just lay her head on the desk and close her eyes for a moment, but instead she constantly gulped even though her mouth was dry and there was nothing she could swallow.
She started to feel cold sweat appearing on her forehead. Cold chills settled under her skin and Dedra suddenly felt frozen although the temperature here was nowhere close to coldness. To Dedra’s bad luck, it was enough for her jaw and hands start to tremble although she did her best to cover it.
The humming sound annoyed her more than anything because she couldn’t rely on her hearing as much as she would like and that made her feel vulnerable. One of her senses wasn’t working properly and Dedra couldn’t hide anymore how miserable she was. Maybe someone asked her a question because all eyes were on her, however Dedra couldn’t answer. Her mouth opened and she slowly lifted her gaze to Major Partagaz, desperately wanting to force her voice to cooperate and play it nonchalantly by asking to repeat the question (was it even a question?) for her so she can give the proper answer, but she could just desperately stare at the old man like a shy child.
That was the moment she felt Supervisor Grandi’s gentle arm wrapping around her shoulder and hand squeezing her side. "Sir, I believe Supervisor Meero would use some fresh air. I’ll go with her." If Dedra had any strength left, she would argue and protest she doesn’t need a break, but she must’ve look really bad when even Partagaz just agreed without protesting. "Yes. Don’t return before you feel well enough and rest."
It might be both concern and a snarky order, but Dedra couldn’t think about it much when Grandi led her outside the room. Her arms were gently wrapped around Dedra’s body and the younger woman allowed herself to fully lean into Grandi’s touch because she felt too weak to trust her own body.
"Let’s get you take a break until you feel better, alright?"
She didn’t wait for Dedra to say anything back and slowly guided her from inside the room. Dedra could feel multiple pairs of eyes on her. Once they were in the hall, one of Grandi’s hands pressed on Dedra’s forehead and she hummed in low, concerned voice.
"You need to lay down. And drink. And loose your uniform - you’re overheated."
Overheated? She was trembling with cold, how could she be overheated?
Dedra felt like she was walking through shallow water- slowly and without a chance to move properly. Her head was spinning and she could only whimper. Grandi’s hold was firm and unexpectedly caring. She felt the urge to lay her head in the crook of the older woman’s neck.
And cry - which wasn’t that hard because Dedra felt tears running down her cheeks although she wasn’t sure why exactly - probably an unwanted reaction of her overstimulated and exhausted body. She sniffed and wiped the tears away with her sleeve - her sense for dignity wouldn’t let her weep here, even if it wasn’t sensual. Grandi noticed and softly caressed Dedra’s arm. Her touch felt so soft and caring although she’d never spoke with the older supervisor on any personal level. This might be the first time they were together alone if Dedra didn’t count the quick exchanges of information from two opposite sides of their working desks.
But Alhena Grandi wasn’t like the rest of Dedra’s colleagues and it didn’t feel inappropriate. Not even when she comforted her with: "You will be alright, sweetheart. Give it just two hours."
Dedra’s head was filling with low humming sound. Her eyelids were trying to shut close and it cost Dedra great effort to not let them.
She couldn’t recognise the corridor. Walls and floor blent into one white pattern and didn’t make any sense. She tried to focus on them as something stable and supportive, but the truth was it made her head spin even more. Dedra involuntarily gasped and grabbed Grandi’s hand even tighter because she needed to hold something to not fall.
When her knees buckled and she half hung on Supervisor Grandi’s body, the older woman stopped. Her arms slowly moved on Dedra’s waist.
"Alright. Lay down. Now."
From the tone of her voice it was clear she realised this might be more serious than just a regular tiredness and nausea that would easily vanish by twenty minutes of resting. Dedra didn’t want to lay down here, not when anyone could walk by and see her. She could see the door in the small room with couch that was made for breaks and relaxations - and most of the time remained empty. She stubbornly kept going, ignoring her colleague’s order. Grandi murmured something about "stupid foolish child" as she helped Dedra to reach her destination.
Once the door being them closed, Dedra’s knees gave up. Her sight turned into black haze. She laid on the floor and Grandi immediately lifted Dedra’s legs up. Her fingers digged in Dedra’s calves through her black boots.
"I know you want to sleep, but you need to listen to me, Dedra," Grandi’s firm voice echoed in her skull as her head tilted to her shoulder as if it was too heavy to keep it straight.
"Don’t close your eyes."
She wanted to answer, to say something, but she couldn’t. And it felt impossible to listen to her older colleague’s order to keep her eyes open. She heard herself breathing loudly which was ironic, considering Dedra’s hearing had been muffled for quite long now.
But she obviously underestimated Supervisor Grandi’s power because surprisingly soon the black dots disappeared from her vision and her ears stopped ringing. Dedra blinked a few times and Grandi’s face softened. She nodded in approval, her grey eyes glowing with satisfaction and relief.
"That’s it. Good girl."
She slowly helped Dedra to move on the couch to lay there instead of laying undignified on the cold white floor. The younger supervisor leaned her head on the soft pillow and watched as Grandi slowly sat next to her with concern in her eyes.
"Now that it’s just you and me with no one else around, I must ask a question you won’t like: is it possible you might be pregnant, sweetheart?"
Dedra suddenly felt very awake. "No-no, absolutely not." Her face turned in bright pink and red tones. "I just… Slept poorly last night."
The older woman’s eyebrows arched as if she was thinking if Dedra was serious. She responded with a loud sigh.
"Well, since you excluded the chance you might be pregnant, you can confess now. How long have you been surviving on caf and stim pills?"
Dedra’s lips parted to defend herself more than think about a correct number of days (or more wise weeks). "I-I…" was everything she could say and Grandi huffed. "Don’t even bother lying, dear. I know exactly what is going on. Do you really believe people can’t notice how miserable you’ve been looking for the last few weeks?"
This felt like a slap right in Dedra’s face.
Miserable.
No, she’d been hardworking. And restless. And determined. Loyal to the cause and putting it before anything else just to wipe Blevin’s insufferable grin away and not only please Partagaz, but prove him being right about her and trusting her with the Axis case and making more real progress to catch Cassian Andor and his messy spread rebel net.
Dedra could feel her stomach make loud, embarassinng rumbling sound and she quickly pressed her palm over the traitorous gut to muffle it, but of course Alhena heard it. She didn’t huff or grimace, but shifted in her seat and sat closer to Dedra. Her fingers started to work on Dedra’s belt and in any other situation it would feel hardly appropriate, but Grandi’s intentions were helping Dedra from her uniform to stay just in her long sleeved undershirt and get rid of the heat in her body.
"When was the last time you ate something? And by 'something' I mean a proper meal," Grandi added as if she could sense that the younger woman wanted to say she had a protein bar yesterday instead of lunch and dinner.
"Two days ago," Dedra hung her chin. She hardly swallowed again before she found the courage to look in the pair of grey eyes. "Sometimes I can go even longer without eating anything," she confessed and her lips twitched in the corners of her mouth. Dedra couldn’t deny it was unhealthy, however she felt oddly proud about training her body to the point of not needing that much food.
But Alhena Grandi didn’t look like she had understanding for Dedra and this achievement of hers. No, she looked angry. Her eyebrows almost touched as she grimaced in disapproval.
"And you think this should impress anyone? Your self destructive habits aren’t admirable, they’re stupid."
Her grey eyes narrowed. "How many stim pills did you take instead?"
Dedra knew it would be pointless to lie. Alhena Grandi wasn’t one of the long serving ISB supervisors for nothing. Her interrogative methods could crack anyone if she figured how to find a way and because Dedra lacked her usual strength and resilience, it wasn’t hard to crumble just under the tone of Alhena’s voice.
"Three…" Her own voice sounded just like whisper. "Three this morning."
She expected Grandi to start yelling at her about irresponsibility because she could sense a storm coming from the way she pressed her lips together. However, the older woman sighed again and reached her palm to caress Dedra’s hair with the back of her hand.
"Oh sweetheart…"
For some reason it was even worse than yelling at her. To her horror, Dedra could feel tears pricking in the corners of her eyes again. Grandi’s touch was light and surprisingly kind, although it shouldn’t surprise Dedra anymore, not when Alhena showed her nothing but gentleness the whole time she took her out of the room.
"I’ll be right back," she promised before she disappeared with a light nod. Dedra curled on the couch and closed her eyes. This whole situation was so strange, but she couldn’t feel anything besides gratefulness. Without Grandi’s quick reaction she would collapse right in front of everyone. She could almost imagine as her body would slide off the seat and fall on the ground. Right with Partagaz’s and Blevin’s eyes at her.
Of course Grandi was right. Dedra had the worst habits a living human being could have. But she wasn’t used to be loud about her problems - the worse Dedra felt, the quieter she’d become.
She remembered the one time she ended up in a hospital. She was in her early twenties and suddenly started feeling pain in her lower stomach. After a week of hoping it would disappear the decided to visit a doctor. She described her problem and was sent for a screening test. Her stomach was se sensitive to touch and Dedra could remember how badly it hurt when the doctor basically stabbed her with the ultrasound right in the centre where it hurt the most, careless about her pain. Dedra felt in agony for the whole time, but she never asked him for a break nor she said she was in pain - or made any loud noise to let him know. She tore the sheet under her with her heels because her whole body was tense, however Dedra remained silent until it was over.
She wasn’t used asking for help.
"So," Grandi started as she returned back to Dedra with a bottle of water and something that looked like pastry. "Before you start telling me how better do you feel and how perfectly fine you are to go back to the three hours long meeting, this is what you’re going to do." She put the things she brought on the table next to the couch. "You’ll eat and drink and also you’ll take this," she announced and took something out of her pocket. "This will neutralise the damage you caused yourself by taking the damn stim pills. And after that you’ll stay here and you’ll rest."
Dedra turned her eyes to the older woman. She should simply thank her and do as she said, but something burned in her stomach and it wasn’t hunger.
"Why are you doing this? Why are you helping me?"
Alhena’s eyes softened. She sat next to Dedra once again and gripped the younger woman’s chin gently. "Because I was the same. Young and ambitious and afraid of stopping when I could see I was making a progress. It was ruining my health, both psychical and mental, my social life… Well, my life in general." She tilted her head. In the sharp light of the room she looked unbelievably soft. Motherly, almost. "Luckily I realised on my own this was something unreachable. Just a fantasy of an ambitious fool with a blindfold on her eyes. I got lost in the illusion. And then…" Her lips curled into a small smile.
"Then I started to learn that none of this is real. The great dedication has its limits and it should be limited just during the work hours. Outside of them, none of the supervisors and officers are the perfect imperial workers. They have families. They’re parents, children, siblings, lovers, friends. They spend their free time off duty not just from the workplace, but also from their minds. You wouldn’t be the first one to believe we’re nothing more besides our careers, but that’s not true." She narrowed her eyes. "It’s not possible to live this way. For you and for anyone else."
Dedra knew this. Naturally the logical side of here knew this. But sometimes her ambitions were louder than healthy judgement. She couldn’t argue with Grandi about the ultimate truth.
Grandi caressed Dedra’s forehead again.
"Now do as I said," she pointed with her chin to the table with the food she brought. "I must go back to the meeting and make sure to inform you about everything important later. You’ll rest and go home early today."
Dedra took a generous bite of the pastry. It was very sweet for her likeness, but she guessed that was the purpose - she needed energy after all. Grandi finally looked satisfied.
"And may the gods protect you if you touch the damn stim pills again," the older woman hummed as she gave Dedra a blanket from a closet next to the table.
"Protect me from what?"
"From me."
Maybe it was because she was exhausted, but Dedra let out silent laughter. It surprised her, however she didn’t fight it.
"Understood, Ma’am."
Grandi also huffed amusedly and turned in the door as she was leaving Dedra alone to take the much needed rest.
"I’ll be watching you. Sleep well, Meero."
Once she stayed alone, Dedra finished eating, took the neutralising pill and curled under the blanket. She could finally let her sore eyes rest. There was a strange feeling in her chest. Gratitude for sure, and something else she couldn’t name. However it was tightly connected to Supervisor Alhena Grandi and her sharp yet caring grey eyes.
As Dedra fell asleep, she heard a voice - unsure if it was just in her head or if Grandi returned to check on her once again.
"Good girl."