Work Text:
“I’ve been thinking about us… and maybe we should take a break,” Aaron said in a monotonous voice, like he wasn’t just breaking Spencer’s heart, and he wasn’t even looking at him, he was going over reports.
Spencer was helping him with paperwork, as he had been doing in recent weeks ever since they’d started dating. It was a new thing, and with everything going on around them, they had barely had any time to spend together.
Spencer had been walking on air, because he had confessed his feelings after an unsub had shot Hotch and while the Kevlar vest had protected the man, the young genius had blacked out for a moment and, not caring about what happened, he ran towards a fallen Hotch.
His tear-filled eyes scanned over the man, relieved when he saw him open his eyes after long seconds. The team had subdued the unsub and taken care of him, while Spencer was kneeling over their Unit Chief.
Despite having an eidetic memory, he couldn’t exactly tell why he had done what he did, but it didn’t matter. Aaron Hotchner had opened his eyes to see an angel, with blotchy cheeks, and diamond tears hovering over him. His soft voice was covered in anguish for him.
“Hotch, Hotch, please, no, please, you have to be okay, Hotch, Aaron, you can’t leave like this, please wake up, I can’t live without you, I love you, please, come back to me, you— Oh, yes, yes, Hotch, you’re okay, you’re alive… He’s okay!” he yelled back, not even noticing the EMT standing a few steps behind.
When the older agent had sat up and let the EMT look him over to take off the vest and change into another, just in case, he had grabbed Reid by the hand just so he stayed close to him. The young agent seemed in a daze, shaking a little in his grasp and listening attentively like he didn’t know everything the EMT was doing.
After they had gone back to the office, no one had mentioned anything, and they all pretended to gloss it over, leaving on time and going home. Except for Hotch and Reid, who were in his office talking.
Reid had been a mess, fumbling with his words and every emotion he’d felt had come back tenfold.
Aaron Hotchner had listened to him and had taken his hands with love, then kissed him chastely, telling him that he, in fact, didn’t want to leave Spencer either.
Doctor Spencer Reid was officially dating Aaron Hotchner, his Unit Chief, his boss, his first real love.
Now, though, he had felt like the last few weeks had been a schizophrenic episode and he was just coming back to reality. Had Aaron really just said that they should break up?
He knew he wasn’t versed in some social clues, but he had learned, he had studied, he had asked his friends, and they all had kindly explained some tips about relationships, so to hear those dreadful words, as Morgan and JJ had said before, Spencer couldn’t help but feel like the world was crumbling down around him. Had Aaron really been thinking about that? Had he decided that dating him was not good enough? That Spencer was not good enough? That he was too young? Too naive? Too unreliable? He wasn't as experienced as the others in his age group, but he was learning, he was practicing, he even kept a journal to improve. He had done all the things to show he was a good romantic partner, he asked the appropriate questions, he was careful not to slip at work, he waited for Aaron to dictate the rhythm of their time together, he had offered everything he had to give… And maybe that had been his downfall. He tried too hard and now Aaron had realized that he was not in the mood to deal with the clinginess, the insecurity, the eagerness for approval.
“What do you mean?” He asked, trying not to let his voice show just how much those words were hurting him.
“We’ve barely seen each other outside of work, we haven’t had a proper date in almost two weeks” Aaron listed off, still not paying any mind to the young man that with each of his words looked like he was being given fatal news, and mostly that was it, “you’re working on academic papers on top of our workload, and I’ve been required to do some extra consultations because apparently Section Chief Strauss wants to improve our numbers. It’s laughable that for being together, we barely do anything… So, if you agree, it’s best if we take a step back from this.”
The worst part for Spencer was not that he hadn’t expected an outcome like this. He had, in the solitude of his apartment, in his bed. He had spent hours doubting if the older man had accepted him out of pity, just stringing him along until he could let him down gently, in the hopes of Spencer finding someone else.
He had told himself to expect the worst and hope for the best… But it’s the hope that kills you. How right those words felt right in that moment.
He gulped the lump in his throat. He tried blinking away the wetness of his eyes. Aaron was asking him if he agreed to not be together anymore. He didn’t want to, but if Aaron said it, then he couldn’t help but do it. He wanted Aaron’s happiness after all, and if that included crushing him, then so be it.
He opened his mouth, his lips trembling, and he didn’t know how shaky his voice would be, because he was going to cry. He hated feeling so weak but his body was acting by itself.
“Are you sure?” He whispered, staring at the older man on the other side of the desk.
“Yeah, I wouldn’t suggest it if I didn’t think about it before.” Aaron finished signing a report and took another folder, scanning the words on it.
Spencer wanted to take that folder and rip it in half and maybe swat Aaron with it until there was nothing but dust.
How could he not even look him in the eye? How could he be so dismissive of such a thing? Spencer’s knuckles were white and his nails hurt his palms with the force he was clenching his hands.
“Then let’s do it.” His voice was emotionless. He heard himself like an announcement in an airplane, far away.
He would have to shield himself as he did when something bad happened. Aaron himself had said it before. He would protect himself, even if his shield needed extra time to repair itself. At least they were alone, and no one would interrupt when Spencer walked out with a red face and his heart broken.
There would be no gossip, no meddling, no pity.
Aaron still didn’t look at him. He was working diligently. Spencer wanted to laugh in anger. He was not even worth a glance now?
“I will leave now, then.” He said and stood up from the chair. “See you tomorrow, Hotch.”
Hotch, not Aaron. The first step towards being just coworkers again. Hotch was his boss, his Unit Chief, his older coworker. Aaron was everything he had yearned for.
Aaron Hotchner stopped writing.
Had he heard correctly? Hotch? Spencer had called him Hotch?
They were not working with the team. They were alone in his office, after hours, as they had done many times.
He was Aaron then.
He looked up to see Spencer’s back and the young man walking towards the door without waiting for him.
“Spencer?”
“Yes?” came the soft voice, without the brunet turning.
“Is everything okay? Are you feeling well?” He frowned at his boyfriend. He had been silent for a while, but they both worked really well without having to talk so Aaron had not paid more attention. It was their usual routine.
Spencer didn’t turn back to look at him, but he noticed his posture, like he was hiding something from Aaron. Like he was preparing to do something. He saw his hands clench tightly and then Spencer turned.
That was not something he liked seeing.
Spencer’s eyes were red-rimmed, like was holding back tears, and they were resentful, his brows furrowed, and he looked two seconds away from yelling.
Aaron was going to repeat his question when Spencer walked back to the desk and went off.
“How dare you ask me that when you just said what you said and didn’t even look at me?!”
“What—”
“How could anything be okay when you’re telling me we should take a step back from this?!”
“Wouldn’t you like that?” He asked, raising his voice a little because he didn’t know where Spencer was coming from. He hadn’t said anything upsetting, had he?
Spencer looked at him like he had slapped a baby.
“What?! Are you even— Why would I like it?!” His hand flailed by his sides
“Because we haven’t been in a relationship for long… And we’re supposed to do things as a couple.” He said now getting upset himself. Spencer didn’t have to lash out on him if he didn’t like his idea. “The only times we spend together are these hours after work, and a few times in a coffee shop or a diner, that’s not how I see us being a couple. I thought that was a good idea.”
Spencer couldn’t even stop himself from feeling hot under the collar, his back was sweaty too. He was too keyed up. He didn’t care anymore. Aaron Hotchner was something else from what he had thought.
“Do you hear yourself?! How could that be a good idea?!”
“Taking a break is a good idea!”
“Breaking up is not a good idea!”
“What?!” Aaron shouted a beat after hearing Spencer say it, “Breaking up? What are you talking about?”
“You said that!”
“I did not!”
“You did!” Spencer was now standing with his hands on the desk. He was staring down at Aaron who was in his chair, but it looked like he would eject from it at any moment.
“When did I say that?!”
“Just now, with your great idea!”
“What? That’s not true! I never said that?!”
“You said, and I quote ‘we should take a break,’ and when I asked what you meant, you replied ‘it’s best if we take a step back from this,’ so yeah, you were very clear on that.”
“What?! Spencer, wait a moment.”
“You didn’t even look at me, and you asked me if I agreed.”
“Spencer, that’s not—”
“Save it, Hotch. I agreed.” The adrenaline was winding down from his body and he really didn’t want to fight with the other man.
“Spencer, listen to me—”
“No. I’m leaving. You were clear.”
“You’re mistaken, Spencer!”
“Oh, yes. I am. We agree on that too.”
“Would you shut up and listen to me?!” Aaron finally yelled at him.
He never did. The last thing Aaron had yelled at him was when Spencer had gone unarmed and without protection to face an unsub. He had never done it again.
Spencer didn’t want to stay there and continue suffering, but the way the man had stood up and his posture told him he had to listen. One last time he would.
Spencer didn’t say anything. He stared at him, waiting.
“I don’t know how this happened, but you got it all wrong, Spencer.”
“Why—”
“Listen. Sorry, I need you to listen. It’s true, I said that. I said we should take a break, that we don’t see each other that much as a couple, that we don’t do things together, and that work is mostly what we do when we are, but I never meant that for us to break up. I was offering for us two to go and take a break together… I asked JJ how she did it with Will, because we know how difficult it was for them to see each other, and she suggested some places, not far, but for a weekend together, no work, no other people, just us spending time with each other.”
Spencer felt himself get lightheaded.
“I don’t like that we don’t have a space just for us. Even in cases we haven’t roomed together, and I’m torn between rooming us together and not doing it because the others know about us and I want to spare the teasing. So I’ve been checking out some places and I wanted to take you to a hotel spa in Washington. They have cabins and a small lake. I wanted to take you next weekend. That’s what I meant and I was asking you if you were interested in the idea…” The man sighed, “ I don’t know how we came to this point.”
Spencer had to sit down or he would pass out. His mind was screaming.
He was indeed mistaken. He had not understood what Aaron was saying. He had overreacted. He had got it wrong.
He sat on the chair again and didn’t say anything. He couldn’t even look the man in the eye. If Aaron was not thinking of breaking up with him, maybe this ridiculous outburst would do it.
And it was entirely his fault. He was better off alone, as he had always predicted. His eyes stung again and this time, he would cry because no one but himself would be blamed.
Aaron saw his boyfriend sit down and lower his head. Spencer was blaming himself, and he was bracing himself to hear Aaron do it too. He walked around his desk and crouched down in front of the young genius.
“Hey, love.”
Spencer’s eyes were watery when he stared at the older man.
“It’s okay for you to cry,” he whispered, trying to show that he understood why Spencer thought that way, and that he obviously wasn’t mad at him, “I apologize if the way I said it made you think I was putting an end to our relationship. That’s not the case at all.”
“I accused you of—”
“It was a misunderstanding. It happens. If anything, it also reminds me that I shouldn’t have started that conversation in the middle of work. Spencer, I don’t want to break up with you. I want to be with you for as long as you want. I want to enjoy our relationship and take you on dates, and do things that everyone does. Do you want that too?”
Spencer’s neck would crack if he nodded any harder. He sniffled and gave Aaron a wobbly smile.
“I’m so sorry, Aaron. I can’t apologize to you enough, I—”
“No need, Spencer. We can learn together from this, right? One day we’ll laugh about it.” He smiled at the young agent, using his dimples and seeing how it changed Spencer’s demeanor.
He knew Spencer was weak when it came to his dimples.
“Now, I think we should stop work for today and have dinner together. Would you like to go with me?”
“Absolutely. There’s a new place just a few blocks away and supposedly they have a fusion of Indian and Japanese food. I don’t know how they do it, but I heard it was good so I’ve been meaning to go, but you know, I wanted to try it out and see if it was good and then go together with you but I— Sorry.”
“None of that. We’ve had enough of being sorry. Let’s pick everything up, and let’s go have dinner. We’ll celebrate our reconciliation.”
“What?”
“We had a misunderstanding, we’re making up. So we should celebrate,” Aaron told Spencer, pulling him by his arms to stand up. He checked for his wallet and his phone, and led the younger man out of the office.
“But the files…”
“Tomorrow. Let’s go.”
He pushed Spencer gently so he’d grab his bag from his chair. When Spencer was ready, Aaron took a moment to hug him and kiss him.
It was heated and slow, to show him just how much he wanted to be with him.
Spencer’s eyes were glassy again, but this time it was because of him kissing the man he loved.
Aaron smiled at him. That was the only thing he wanted to see.