Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Rodrick was on his way back to his room from the kitchen, fisting cheese balls so far down his gullet, he'd scare pelicans. Mid crunch, he nearly choked when he heard a certain girl's name come from his little brother's room. Sucking the orange dust off his fingers, he lurked just out of sight to listen in.

"Regina George is flawless. She has two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus."

"What's a Fendi?" Greg cut Rowley off.

"Here," Rowley held up the local High School paper, pointing out a beautiful blonde girl on the front page, "That's a Fendi."

"It's just a bag? And it looks too small to hold anything. What's the big deal?"

Rowley's face scrunched up, deep in thought, as he considered the question. Then he shrugged, setting the paper down, "Dunno."

"You know, you have been so obsessed with this Regina girl lately. Whatever happened to Joshy?"

"Joshy is Joshy. He's in his own special separate category."

Greg rolled his eyes, his friend's latest interests once again lost on him, "Can we get back to playing video games?"

"Did someone mention Regina George?" Rodrick said, entering the room without permission.

"Hi Rodrick," Rowley said way too happily, was his mom secretly doping him?

"Get out, Rodrick," Greg huffed.

Rodrick fully ignored his little brother, "Regina's in three of my classes. Since you guys are her fans, I thought you'd like to know she totally has the hots for me."

Greg frowned, fully tuning his brother out. Rowley just tilted his head in cartoonish confusion.

"But you're not Regina's type? Regina dates hot guys."

"Hahahaha!" Greg bust out laughing, leaning on his friend to stay upright, "Good one!"

Rodrick set the cheese balls down, leaning in as menacingly as he could, "You don't think I'm a hot guy?"

Rowley, oblivious as always, answered honestly, "Well, for one your hands are covered in spit. And you're really bad at cleaning yourself in general. Being in a band is supposed to make guys more attractive, but your band is called Loaded Diaper. What kinda girl's gonna wanna go out with a diaper boy?"

Greg was in tears, laughing so hard he looked like he could throw up. Rodrick stammered for a minute, trying to explain his alternative genius. When he realized there was no recovering from Rowley's unintentional burn, he decided to handle things the old fashioned way.

"Run for your lives, dweebs."

The boys screamed, only barely escaping as Rodrick lunged at them. He landed hard on Greg's beg, rolling over and screaming as he gave chase. The two younger boys hurried downstairs, howling for anyone to help them. Luckily, their parents were still home.

Mom was already in a mood, but so what. If they were lucky, she'd take it out on Rodrick.

"Not now, boys. We have to go get your dad's parents," she huffed, the two boys immediately hiding behind her.

"No, no, we can be a little late," Dad said, clearly dreading the visit as much as his wife.

"Of course I get a flat tire today," Mom huffed, shrugging her coat on, "Now I won't have time to-"

Rodrick appeared, huffing in the doorway, and the boys let out one final blood curling scream. Then mom let out a silencing one of her own.

"Quiet! Gosh! What is the matter with you two!? Can't you get along for just a minute?"

"Rowley started it!" Rodrick shouted.

Dad just sighed with disappointment.

"What!?"

Dad struggled to find a nice way to say it, but eventually he just settled for pretty much just saying what he was thinking outright, "I mean… You're letting Rowley get to you? Greg, sure-"

"Hey!"

"But Rowley? Come on, Rodrick. That's just sad."

Rodrick huffed. Rowley just looked confused.

"Hey hon, I've got an idea," Dad said, "Give the boys your shopping list and send them to the mall while we go pick up Mom and Dad. It's all prepaid, right? Just give them the name?"

Mom sighed, clearly getting a headache, "I don't think we should unleash them on the world…"

"It's that or they burn the house down."

Mom pulled a sheet of paper out of her purse and leaned across the kitchen island, shoving it into Rodrick's hand.

"Hear that boys? You're going to the mall."

Greg and Rowley high fives while Rodrick slammed the paper back down on the counter, "Why do I have to take them!?"

Mom picked up Manny, nodding to her husband to get a move on, "You're the older brother. You protect your family. Got it?"

"No."

"Do this for me and I'll let you skip Grandpa's after dinner war story."

Mom sweetened the deal by putting $10 on the counter.

"Done."

"I wanna skip too," Greg whined.

Mom was already halfway out the door, "Sorry hon. I'll butter you up some other night. Drop Rowley off on your way home. Be out no later than two."

"Yes, mom," Rodrick called back, pocketing the list and putting on his coat, "Come on, nerds."

"This blows," Greg sighed, putting his coat on.

"My mom gave me a little money. Wanna get matching best friend necklaces?" Rowley asked.

"No."

"You're right. Things like that are better when they're handmade."

---

The three boys piled into the van. Rodrick let his usual CD's play but when Rowley said his mom didn't let him listen to music with curse words in it, he put on the radio. Between Top 40 Pop and Christmas Music, Rodrick settled for the lesser of two evils.

As Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree came to an end, Last Christmas by Wham! started playing. Rodrick looked up into the cloud covered sky and gave thanks to a God he didn't believe in.

"Who are these guys? I thought Ashley Tisdale sang this song," Rowley said.

The shock of it shot Rodrick's foot forward, nearly crashing them into a car. Rodrick swerved, hitting a trash can instead. The kids screamed, holding onto each other because there was genuinely nothing safer to hold onto.

Rodrick looked back at the kids, so upset he couldn't even begin to care about the possible damage to his car or to their neighbor's property (they were already a few streets over, it was probably fine).

"Ashley Ti- Ashley freaking- Greg! Why the heck are you friends with- Oh my-" Rodrick stammered. "This is Wham! You know, George Michael?"

Greg and Rowley just looked at each other, clearly having no clue what Rodrick was going on about. Rodrick was ready to scream again, but he found the strength to take a deep breath and calm the heck down. And then he took another breath because he wasn't even a little calm.

"Rowley. George Michael. Remember the name. He might mean something to you in a few years."

"Uh… Okay?"

"Good… Just, everyone be cool. We're going to the mall. Let's just get this over with. No more stupid comments. Capiche?"

"You speak Italian?" Rowley asked.

"Capiche!?"

The two boys nodded, "Capiche."

---

The mall was packed. It took them thirty minutes just to find parking. The snow started coming down hard so they agreed to be as quick as possible to beat the icy roads and inevitable exit traffic. Walking in through the food court doors, they stopped to take the free chicken nugget samples before darting through the masses into the main walkway. Rodrick pulled out the paper his mom gave him, looking up at the map to figure out the most efficient route.

"Look! It's Santa!" Rowley exclaimed, pointing to a tired looking man in a fake beard.

"That's nice, Rowley," Greg said.

"Can we go take a picture with him?"

"I dunno. That stuff's for little kids."

Rodrick had to agree, "Yeah Rowley. You get picked on enough as it is. Don't give the other kids any more fuel-"

Time slowed down and Rodrick stopped talking mid sentence. Regina George and her two little worker bees were glamorously making their way over to the food court carrying iced blendeds. She was so beautiful in her silver cropped puffer coat, pleated mini skirt, and knee high furry boots. Of course another Fendi purse dangling from her arm. She took a big sip from her drink, leaving a little lip gloss on the straw. The whole moment was so beautiful, Rodrick could have cried.

"Hello? Earth to Rodrick?" Greg said, waving a hand in front of his older brother's face, "What are you looking-"

"Yes. We should definitely all see Santa," Rodrick said a little too quickly.

"But you just said-"

"What can I say, even I'm not immune to the magic of Kris Kringle. You two go stand in line, I'll buy us some hot chocolates."

Greg's line of questioning stopped at the mention of hot chocolate. The two boy scurried off to go wait in line while Rodrick tried to still his pounding heart.

"Be cool Rodrick- The Rod." He finger gunned at the wall then dropped the act, "That's stupid. Whatever. Just… Say Hi."

Rodrick approached the three girls, who were animatedly gossiping. They didn't stop, even when it was clear they knew he was standing right next to them.

"Uh, hi Regina."

She glared at him for a moment before quickly switching back to a friendly smile, "Do I know you?"

"R-Rodrick Heffley. I sit behind you in World History, Math, and-"

"And?" It was obvious she just wanted to get this exchange over with.

Rodrick leaned on the table, turning up the charm, "Since you and Aaron are dunzo, I thought you might wanna split a chili dog with a different breed of alpha male."

"Please. You listen to maggot rock and wear guyliner. My dick is bigger than yours."

Rodrick beamed, "Jennifer's Body!"

"What?" Gretchen asked.

Karen nodded knowingly, "I swapped blood with a Jennifer back in grade school."

"Your insult," Rodrick interjected, "It's from Jennifer's Body. I didn't know you liked horror movies."

Regina looked caught, quickly putting herself together again, "I don't. Megan Fox is just totally hot. She's goals."

"Maybe we could watch it together sometime?"

The three girls looked at each other before bursting out fake laughing.

"In your sad, pathetic, loser, wet dreams."

"I have a shot in my dreams? That's better than I thought!"

Regina cracked a smile at that, or maybe she winced. They gave him one last "get lost" and he floated away. It seemed like everyone around them had disappeared. He looked back over his shoulder and imagine him smiling at him and waving him goodbye. In truth, she refused to look at him again.

When he returned to Greg and Rowley, he sighed contently.

"Uh, where's our hot chocolate?" Greg asked before looking back where his brother had come from and everything making sense.

"My bad dudes," Rodrick almost sang, "Be right back~"

"You're so lame."

Rowley peeked past Greg and pieces together what was happening, "Oh my gosh, it's her!"

Rodrick languidly covered Rowley's face with his hand and lightly shoved him, twirling back toward the hot chocolate spot. His dizzy daydream was cut short when he bumped into the class lesbian, Janice. She looked worse than usual and a little nervous.

"Watch it," Rodrick rubbed the part she touched clean.

Janice looked around, fully ignoring him. He got close, trying to get a better look into her eyes. She just shoved him away.

"What's your deal, Hot Topic?" She hissed.

"No way. Are the rumors true? Are you on crack?"

"Your fly is down. Careful or everyone's gonna find out about your micro penis."

Rodrick quickly checked his zipper. Everything was where it was supposed to be. And then he groaned, realizing now she had grounds to spread rumors about his shrimp dick.

"Have you seen Damien?" She suddenly asked.

"No, hag. I haven't seen the other half of your lavender marriage."

"Whatever."

She brushed past him and Rodrick sniffed. She smelled like a ton of oils and perfumes. He knew she worked in the organic soap shop. Did she spill a bunch of products on herself? That sucked. Not that he really cared.

"Hot chocolate…"

There was a sudden sharp scream and the next thing Rodrick knew everyone was running in ever direction. He was knocked over by the barista, who hopped the counter to get away. Stumbling back to his feet, Rodrick saw blood splattered all over the floor. Santa Clause was eating one of the underpaid elves that circled his photo op.

"What the…"

Santa roared, dropping the headless corpse and raising its arms as it limped forward. He groaned, beard as red as his suit. His large knobby hands trembled.

"What the actual fuck.," Rodrick exclaimed.

He quickly ducked, moving around the hot chocolate stand to get another look at his surroundings. Greg and Rowley were no where to be seen. That was fine. Missing was better than definitely dead. Though he'd need to find them.

"Let's see… If I were a pair of twerps in a mall with a monster on the loose, where would I hide?"

"Brrrrrains…"

Rodrick looked back over his shoulder and saw a girl he recognized from his high school. Who was she… Who was she…

"Hot dog girl!" He exclaimed, "Oh shit."

She'd nearly fallen on top of him, but he rolled out of the way. On all fours she crawled to him, steal reaching and moaning.

"Brains… Brains…"

"Ah, hell no. Keep your hot dog sucking zombie lips away from me," he kicked her clean in the face and tore into the open… which put him in Santa's sights. As if to make things worse, The Jackson 5 version of "Santa Clause is Coming to Town" started playing loudly overhead.

"Ah man, isn't there supposed to be a tutorial first?"

Santa roared and, with no idea what else to do, Rodrick screamed back right in his face. He puffed out his chest and raised his fists but as soon as Santa half moved, Rodrick was tearing off and crying. Santa gave chase and he found himself in a Spencer's. Hoping the low light of the store would give him some cover, he ducked behind a standing cage of Playboy bunny merch and peeked out, the less than jolly man slowly limping in. It stood still, guarding the door. Rodrick picked up a mug with boobs on it, tastefully kissed the side, and chucked it toward the back of the store where it shattered loudly. Santa moved toward the sound and Rodrick was able to duck out of there.

But it wasn't over. There were more delirious people wandering around or eating the heads off of people. Creeping back into the cafeteria, he picked up one of the chairs, held it in front of him, and started charging. As he plowed over zombie after zombie, screaming out for his brother. But no one came.

The hoard gave chase and Rodrick lost his chair to the masses. He only barely slipped through their legs, finding his way into a Victoria Secret. He hurried toward the back, hoping there would be some kind of weapon he could use in the office or dressing room. He was surprised to find Regina there, digging through the boxes, clearly having had the same idea as him.

"Oh god, you made it?"

"I fought a bunch of them. It was cool looking and heroic. I saved a baby."

"Where's the baby?"

"… It ran away?"

"On its fat little baby legs? Get real," Regina sneered, sizing him up before returning to her task, "I've already searched the boxes over here. Check those. Maybe we can find a disassembled rack or something to fight our way out of here with."

"Our?" Rodrick beamed.

"Or I could just use you as a distraction and run while they eat your face off."

"Don't worry, Regina. I'll keep you safe."

Regina didn't even say anything. She just stared at him like a crusting vat of hot garbage juice. Rodrick couldn't really find any reasons to disagree.

"Did you see Gretchen or Karen while you were out there? We got separated and I need to know if they're dead or not so I can go home with a clean conscience."

"As far as I saw, they're not dead."

"Coolness. Guess I'll stick around this hellhole a little longer…"

As they dug through the abandoned backrooms, they did not uncover Victoria's secret. Regina froze, clearly focusing on listening. Rodrick tried too, though he didn't hear anything.

"What is it?" He whispered.

"Shuffling. The zombies are outside."

"Wow. Never thought I'd hear a girl like you say the word zombie."

Regina stared at him for a long time and then smiled beautifully, rounding the boxes to stand closer to him. Rodrick gulped, face immediately feeling hot when she leaned against him. She spoke in her cutest voice and played with his shaggy hair.

"I'm so glad you're here, Robert-"

"It's Rodrick."

"That'swhatIsaid. You're so stro-" She paused, feeling his noodle arm, "I mean, you're so… smart? Are you smart?"

"I'm only passing because my buddy Ward's cheating off Stanley Yelnats and I cheat off Ward. So no, not really."

Regina narrowed her eyes, lightly bumping her knee against his, "How are you in PE?"

"I walk the mile with the Cookie Monster girls and we play Ciara and Missy Elliot on their phone speakers."

Suddenly, her arms were around him and her chest was pressed to his side. Rodrick may as well have turned to stone. He never expected he would ever actually get this far. Now that he was here, he had no idea what to do. He'd never even kissed a girl. Shit, maybe he should have let Hot Dog Zombie girl put her mouth on him. Any experience was better than none,he figured.

"You said you'd protect me, right~"

"Uh huh."

"Even at your own expense~"

Woah she was totally playing him! This was awesome!

"Yes mam!"

"Good. Then we're switching back to Plan A. I run away while you get your face eaten~"

It wasn't a bad deal. Two seconds of positive attention from Regina George was more than any teenage dirtbag really deserved. He was so grateful.

"Tell me my eyeliner's cool."

"It's not just cool~ It's so hot~"

"And you love my band."

"You're in a band?"

"Loaded Diaper. We played after you guys did you dance at the last holiday talent show. Remember?"

"Me and the girls always leave right after our performance."

"Oh…"

"But sure. Why not. I love your PG13 middle school boy humor themed band. Will you go die now?"

Rodrick stuck out his foot. All his dreams had come true. There wasn't really anything left to live for. Might as well go out on a high note. He could have one of those cool rock and roll deaths where everyone on the news gets totally obsessed with him and that one EP they made goes totally viral. He'd live on in infamy as the guy- the hot guy who saved Regina George.

But then he wouldn't really get to enjoy it. What good is being famous and beloved if you're dead? Not to meantion Greg and his pet meatball were still trapped in the mall somewhere. Dead or not, his mom would totally ground him if he didn't get them home on time.

He groaned, turning back to her, "My kid brother his here with his dork friend. If I die for you, my mom is totally gonna kill me."

Regina pushed him away and rubbed her hands off on her whool tights, "Ew! So I cozied up to you for nothing!?"

"Not nothing. You can probably put it on your college apps as charity work."

Regina grimaced. Did he really just say that? Was he serious? He made and face and he chuckled against her will. No! Hell no. She was not going to give this loser the satisfaction of knowing he made her laugh!

"Dust. Cough cough."

Rodrick shrugged, pointing to a ladder, "Let's use that."

"The vents are too small. I checked."

"Nah, we turn it on its side, open it, and ram it through the hoards like a half-cage. I did something similar with a chair with decent results."

"That's… not the worst idea."

"Dead ass, I'm scared as hell right now. And let's be real, you are too."

Regina shrugged, "Okay. I'm a little scared.

"Cool. So let's stick together and help each other out, watch each other's backs. And if things get really bad, I'll make you laugh again."

"I didn't laugh."

"Help me find Greg and Rowley. I'll help you find Gretchen and Karen. We have a better chance of survival if we stick together."

"Fine. Whatever. Help me with this ladder."

Readying their makeshift cage, Rodrick kicked the door open and the two of them charged through the store, corralling the zombies roughly into a corner. They were able to escape the store.

"Okay, now where?" Regina asked, flipping her luxurious locks out of her face.

"I mean, it's left or right," Rodrick said, mirroring the gesture.

Another zombie approached them. Rodrick decided to toughen up and fight it to score some easy points with Regina. Without even flinching, she bashed it square in the nose with her fist, wiping the blood off on Rodrick's shirt.

"Left," she said confidently, "That's where the luxury stores are. I bet that's where we'll find Gretchen and Karen. The arcade is that way too. Maybe your kids went there."

"Uh yeah. Sounds good. You secretly into mosh pits?"

Regina couldn't have looked less flattered. Keeping her fist up, they kept it moving. That is until they heard a familiar bellow.

"Ho ho ho! Brains!"

"Is that fucking Santa?" Regina raised her fists again.

"Zombie Santa," Rodrick said, shaking and wishing he was wearing a diaper.

"Why is he so big?"

"If I had to guess, it's because he's eaten a lot of people," Rodrick pointed out the trail of bodies behind the monster.

"Ew."

"Yeah."

"Alright, Robyn, you gonna make yourself useful or what?" Regina asked.

"It's Rodrick."

"Like I said."

"Fighting a big bad blood thirsty monster for real. Fuck it. Might make a good song later."

"You are so corny."

Taking a deep breath for courage, Rodrick squared up with Regina a little behind him. The remaining hordes closed in on them.

Chapter Text

Rodrick charged the behemoth and slipped on the goo, accidentally sliding between Santa's legs. Regina rolled her eyes, facing down the monsters surrounding her. She pulled she sleeves down to protect her knuckles and paused only when she recognized one of the faces in the crowd.

"Heather Hills?"

"Brains…"

"Oh my gosh, Heather. They got you too? No…"

Without wasting another second, she kicked the other blonde girl in the jaw and sent her flying.

"Dumb copycat bitch. Everyone knows you're just the Steve Madden version of me!" Regina flipped her hair, grinning from ear to ear, "That felt good. Any other pig faced Pay Less models need a nose job?"

Regina didn't have any formal fighting experience. She just hated a lot of people. Normally she worked through that aggression with cute outfits and subterfuge. But clothes-lining the daylights out of someone's oozing grandma felt pretty damn good too.

"Vintage Chanel?" She picked up the woman's purse, took one look at the lining, and dropped it like it was a cockroach. It was fake.

Meanwhile Rodrick's sneakers were propped up against a cookie cake display window. Santa was already limping back over, faster than before. Rodrick hopped the cookie counter and searched for something to defend himself with. When the blood covered zombie leaned over to look for him, Rodrick yanked a bag of frosting from a shelf and squirted it all over the zombie's face. It fell back in surprise and Rodrick went back into the bakery section.

He searched the counters frantically, mumbling knife to himself over and over again.

When Santa stumbled into the kitchen, Rodrick found a cookie pie crust filled with whipped cream. He picked it up and chucked it at Santa's face. Two for two, though Santa was less stunned this time and more so just confused.

As soon as Santa wiped the creme from his face, Rodrick chucked a second pie. And then a third. When Rodrick ran out of pies, he noticed a fire extinguisher. As soon as Santa could see again, Rodrick blinded him with monoammonium phosphate. Then he screamed like a little girl and beat the cream coated zombie over the head before breaking out of the kitchen again, toppling over some zombies, accidentally helping Regina wiggle free of a few. She helped him back up.

"Thanks."

"Definitely did that on purpose."

"How are there so many?"

"Maybe the zombie germs are in the air?"

"Is that what that smell is?" Regina took off her scarf and tied it to cover her face, "Come on, let's just run."

She took his hand instinctively and Rodrick's heart did a flip. Suddenly he felt like he could take on the zombie horde with one hand behind his back. His heart banged out the absolutely sickest drum solo.

That was when Santa appeared again and Rodrick was forced back to reality.

"Just stay down, dude!" Rodrick screamed, tugging Regina along as he took off running… Which devolved into her dragging him since he wasn't remotely fit.

"You are such a wimp!" She shouted.

"Quit pulling so hard!"

"Then go ahead and die!"

Regina let go and Rodrick stumbled to a stop, bracing himself against some giant red ornaments. They rumbled, dust sprinkling down like snow. The chords holding them in place snapped and one by one they rolled forward. When the first one fell, Zombie Santa splattered everywhere, crushed. When the other balls fell, the zombies were flattened.

Regina and Rodrick stared in horror, then Rodrick cheered, throwing his arms around her.

"We did it!"

She thrust her palm up into his jaw and knocked him down, "Don't touch me!"

"My bad…"

---

The rest of the mall was significantly less crowded. The zombies they did run into wear either throttled by Regina or slapped away by Rodrick. Did they make a good team? No. Was it better than no team? Debatable. Was this the scariest day of Rodrick's life? Yes. Was it Regina's? He couldn't tell. If he didn't know any better, he'd think she was enjoying herself.

When she was fighting, sometimes her scarf would come loose and he'd catch her smiling.

"You should come see my band play," Rodrick said as the boutiques came into view, "We're really loud."

"Thanks, but I'm not into bulimia."

"No, we play rock music."

Regina scoffed, strutting ahead. Rodrick listened to her high heels clack against the floor. They had a steady rhythm and he treated it like a beat. Shaking his hands in front of him as he walked, he tried to picture how the riff would sound in his head. She looked back when she noticed him twitching.

"Are you having a stroke?"

"I like the way your shoes sound," he tried to imitate his drum set, like a bunch of sloppy mouth noises would get his point across.

"Why don't we just not talk."

"We're surviving in the middle of the zombie apocalypse. Put yourself in my shoes. You wouldn't be even a little excited?"

"Who the hell gets excited about zombies?"

"Not about zombies. About you."

Regina paused, flipping her hair, "Now that I can understand."

"You're like the most beautiful, perfect person in the whole world."

"That's true."

"Everyone in school worships the ground you walk on. And the people who don't like you still have to respect you."

"Go on."

"And you throw a mean right hook!"

"Too much."

"I know."

They ambled along, Regina smirking to herself, "You scream like a little girl."

"Me? Nahhhhhhhh."

"You do," she imitated it, "I think my little sister is tougher than you."

"I didn't know you had a little sister. Is she a total pain?"

"We keep out of each other's way."

Rodrick's heart sank a little at the thought, "You guys don't mess with each other like at all?"

Regina's smile fell and she just stared at him, "What?"

Rodrick threw his hands up in surrender, "Nothing. I am but a humble meat shield. I know when to shut up."

Regina smirked at that, "For a total moron, you're quick on the uptake."

"Does that mean you'll make me a plastic?"

"You don't have the hips for it."

"Damn."

Regina looked like she was starting to have fun. When she flinched, Rodrick looked down at her feet. She'd been fighting zombies in high heeled boots. That couldn't have been comfortable. He tried to remember his mom yelling at him as a kid. What did she say?

Never ask a woman about her age, weight, or… underwear color? So shoes were fine, right?

"Do you wanna stop for some new shoes?"

Regina looked upset, blushing a little. Holy shit, she was cute. He pointed to her heels.

"That's gotta hurt, right? Come on, we can grab you some sneakers."

"I'm fine. Besides, sneakers would ruin my outfit. What would people think?"

"You'd probably start a trend and everyone would start wearing sneakers and mini skirts."

She thought about it and relented, "Well, you're not wrong… But I'm not just wearing any shoes. We'll find a pair in there."

She pointed out a luxury store and they hurried over. She made quick work of heading into the back, examining the styles. Meanwhile, Rodrick wandered off to find a help desk. When he did, he dug out a first aid kit and walked it back to the shoe section.

Regina was already sitting with a box beside her, unlacing her boots. Rodrick crouched down in front of her and looked up at her, wordlessly asking if she wanted any help. Regina looked down on him with the elegance of an angry queen. Her glare sent a pleasant shiver down his spine.

Crossing on leg over the other, she pressed her heel into his chest and pushed him back, grinning.

"Are you that desperate to be of use to me?"

"I'm honestly worse than desperate."

She arched a brow and waved him off, uncrossing her legs and returning to her task. Rodrick walked off again as she opened the first aid kit.

Come to think of it, Rodrick had never been in a store this nice before. Would it really hurt to walk out with a little something for himself? Looking around, the place was deserted. It was probably fine to leave Regina alone for a little while. After a little wandering, he found the men's section on the second floor and made a bee line for the leather jackets. Shucking one on, he posed in the mirror, trying to look suave.

Then he took the jacket off, yanked his sweater and t shirt off, then put the jacket back on. He posed, chest exposed, sticking his tongue out.

"Oh my god. I'm never wearing a shirt again."

He rain off, throwing some jewelry own before returning to the mirror, "I totally belong in The Clash or Ramones. All I need is a tattoo!"

He did his best impression of a lead singer, jumping and twirling around, only stopping when he was face to face with Karen Smith. He could feel himself blushing with embarrassment, but he did his best to keep it cool.

"Karen! Cool! Was lookin' for ya! Haha… You alright?"

Karen looked around curiously, "I know I don't normally know what's going on… But is something going on?"

"Uh yeah. Zombies. You haven't seen a couple of middle schoolers running around, have you?"

"Mmm no. Have you seen Gretchen? She was just here."

They heard a scream and saw Gretchen with a zombie trying to chew on her head. But her hair was so big its teeth couldn't reach the skin. Rodrick jumped into action, ripping his jacket off and wrapping the zombie's head up in the thick leather, tying it in place with the sleeves.

Gretchen fell over but Karen helped her up. Together they did their best to fix her hair.

"Thank you for saving me," Gretchen blinked up at Rodrick, "I never knew you were so masculine."

Rodrick blushed. Holy shit. Positive attention from a pretty girl. All those raunchy horror comedies were right! Losers do have a shot at the end of the world! Just wait until Regina-

Oh yeah. No time to be excited.

"I'm glad I found you," Rodrick said, trying to calm down, "Regina's been looking for you. She's downstairs changing her shoes."

He thought they'd be happy to hear that. Karen looked the same while Gretchen looked a little disappointed despite her smiling. That's when the zombie, head still wrapped, started approaching them again. More zombies started coming into the department store, drawn to what were likely the last available brains. Rodrick grabbed a sweater off a nearby table and threw it on as he ushered the girls back to the escalator.

They scrambled back down where Regina was already ticked off again.

"Where did you go for so long-" She froze when she saw her two friends behind Rodrick, "Oh. You found them."

"More zombies upstairs. We should probably hurry."

Gretchen was the first to move, hurrying to Regina's side, "Let's hurry and get out of here. Come on, Karen!"

"Where are we going?" Karen asked wearing a sweet smile.

"Literally anywhere else!"

Gretchen pulled Regina to her feet and she looked back over her shoulder at Rodrick. She had her girls back. There was no reason to stay. Rodrick just smiled, half waving.

"Get home safe."

"You're not coming with us?" Gretchen asked, looking nervous.

"Nah. My little bro's here. I gotta find him."

Rodrick wasn't the sharpest bulb in the place where smarties keep their tools, but he wasn't stupid. Of course his time with Regina wasn't going to last. He'd hoped it would have gone on a little longer. Maybe she would have liked him enough to make eye contact with him in the hallways. That would have been more than enough. But no. They'd part ways here and she'd act like this day never happened.

If he told anyone, she'd outright deny it. He could take a picture with her and people still wouldn't believe it. So why not end things on a high note and look like an actually cool guy?

"Get out of here before-"

"I don't have my car keys," Regina said, sifting through her little purse, "I must have dropped them when I was running."

"So we're gonna die!?" Gretchen freaked.

"You drove here, right?" Regina glared at Rodrick.

"Uh yeah. In my van."

"Then let's hurry up and find your twerps and get out of here."

Was this the luckiest day of Rodrick's life or what? The zombies started falling down the escalator.

"Arcade," Rodrick said.

"Lead the way," Regina nodded back.

The group hurried out of the department store, putting a decent gap between them and the zombies. They hurried down the wide halls, dodging the idle zombie. Karen's heel broke and she fell. The group stopped, turning back to her. Just as they were about to run back to help her, a pair of zombies closed in.

"Oh my god! They've got Karen!" Gretchen screamed in horror, holding onto Rodrick's arm tightly.

Just as it seemed the zombies were going to take Karen, they breezed right by her. More came over, again walking by like she wasn't even there. She slowly got back onto her feet, looking around cluelessly.

"What the heck?" Rodrick exclaimed.

Regina just rolled her eyes, "The zombies are only after brains. Of course Karen is safe."

"Hey!" Karen called back, "What does that mean?"

"It means you're as dumb as a rock," Regina yelled back.

Karen looked hurt then nodded solemnly, "Yeah… That's true."

Rodrick ducked between the zombies. It was a good thing they were slow. Taking Karen's arm, he helped her return to the group despite her broken heel. Regina huffed, urging everyone to keep moving. Gretchen just kept staring at Rodrick as he helped her friend.

The Freddy Fazbear Pizzeria was right next to the organic soap store. The zombies must have raided it because the whole store was turned over. Running into the arcade, they saw zombie corpses littering the ground. There were plastic cars all over the floor and cans of tomato sauce hanging from the rafters on jump ropes. The animatronics were singing their big birthday song. Between the loud music and the flashing lights, everything was disorienting.

Rodrick ran ahead, moving deeper into the celebration hall. That's when he sprung some kind of trap and only barely managed to dodge the ski balls that launched out at him. The ground was covered in broken glass and legos. Just what the heck was going on here!?

"Hey nerds! Are you in here or not!?" Rodrick yelled, bracing a chair.

The music suddenly stopped and he heard a high pitched voice over the intercom, "Rodrick?"

"Holy shit, you're actually alive," Rodrick sighed with relief before shouting, "We're getting out of here! Hurry!"

There was a moment of silence. Then the doors to the backrooms opened and Greg and Rowley came running out. Greg ran straight into Rodrick's arms and Rodrick held him tight. Rowley came in for some hug action too and heck Rodrick was happy to see the little freak too.

"You're both okay? No bites?"

Rowley perked up, "Are you kidding? We're having a blast! Right, Greg?"

"Uhhhh."

"It was Greg's idea!" Rowley looked so proud, "As soon as the zombies started going crazy, he got this idea that we could get all the free prizes and pizza we want if we went straight to the arcade. When the zombies were following us, Greg said we should set up some booby traps. We watched from the security cameras and took them out one by one! It was so cool!"

Rodrick gripped Greg's shoulders way too tightly, "So while I was worried sick, the two of you were just Home Aloneing in here the whole time!?"

Greg smiled nervously, doing his best to change the subject, "You were worried about me?"

Rodrick let his brother go and curled up on the floor, "Yes, doofus. You're lucky I'm exhausted or I'd kick your butt."

"Zoo wee mama!" Rowley squealed, "Is that the Regina George!?"

The Plastics appeared between the crane games. Regina flipped her hair, retrieving her lip gloss from her little bag and reapplied it.

"No pictures," she said.

Rowley looked like he was going to pass out from excitement, "You're even more beautiful in person, ma'am."

A beeping went off overhead and Greg and Rowley's smiles dropped. Rodrick looked ready to kill.

"What did you do?"

"We should run," Greg said, taking off with Rowley.

"Get back here!"

The girls hurried after them, Regina keeping up the easiest.

"Now what's happening!?"

"I don't know. My brother did something stupid!"

"Rodrick! Help!" Gretchen called out, reaching for him.

Without hesitating, Rodrick caught her and helped her along. At some point she'd switched shoes with Karen. She said it was because Karen wasn't in danger, so she'd take the broken shoes to protect her. Rodrick couldn't tell how, but her logic was off. Still, he dutifully pulled her along.

When they made it outside the mall, there were car wrecks, zombies, and small fires everywhere. They skirted the building before finding a vacant enough part of the lot to hurry as far from the building as possible. When they made it to a patch of grass, Greg and Rowley looked back, barely catching their breath.

"Huh," Rowley said, still bracing himself, "I guess it didn't wo-"

There was a boom and the Freddy's blew up. Everyone's jaws dropped. Rodrick just stared at the flames as they spread further.

"Greg. What the fuck." Rodrick said flatly, just shocked.

"We didn't know if more zombies were gonna come. So when we found that gas tank, we decided to open it in case we needed to escape."

"You would have blown up too."

"We thought of that. That's why we set a timer on the ovens with some paper inside to turn on after a few minutes so we could run."

"Okay, if anyone asks-"

Greg beat Rodrick to it, "Deny, deny, deny."

Rodrick nodded, figuring there'd be no proof it was them and even if there was this was a zombie apocalypse. Who was gonna get mad at a couple desperate kids? Their parents… It's fine. They'd never know.

"Let's get to the van," he said.

---

The Van was in horrible condition. Straight up, it was a piece of shit. The girls thought it must have gotten attacked but no, it was just a beat up piece of crap.

"Hold on, I have reception again," Gretchen said, pulling her phone out, "I'll have my father send us a helicopter."

"Your dad can do that?" Greg looked up at her in awe.

"He invented Toaster Strudel. He can do anything." She frowned, "Never mind, my call's not going through."

"Let's go back to my place," Regina said, "It's the closest one to the mall. We can figure out what to do from there."

They all agreed and everyone piled into the back of the van, save for Rodrick and Regina who took the front. Rowley was so giddy. He never thought he'd talk to the Plastics, much less ride around in a van with them.

Karen stared at Rowley and then poked him. When he made a sound like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, she looked satisfied.

"The heater doesn't work," Rodrick said quietly.

Regina crossed her arms, "Drive."

"Right."

As the car rattled to life, the radio scratched in. It was an emergency broadcast. The zombie apocalypse had hit and people were being urged to stay inside. Not much was known about it other than the break out seemed to have started at the mall. Efforts had been made to minimize the spread of the virus. They said the virus was spread through bites and there was no word on a cure.

Apart from the radio, the drive to Regina's was silent. She stared ahead seriously, though it was obvious she wasn't as tense as before. Rodrick did his best to remain calm, carefully navigating the abandoned back streets. When her house came into view, he could feel Regina's relief.

As soon as the van stopped, she was out the door and making her way inside. She pulled her keys out and opened the front door, calling out for her parents. But no one answered. There was a note on the counter. She picked it up and read it aloud.

"Headed to our cabin in the hills. When you read this, meet us there. Love, mom."

Regina stared at the note for a long time before setting it down. She was pulled from her thoughts by Gretchen calling out to her.

"Regina! Your keys!"

Regina froze. Gretchen was standing in the doorway, Regina's house ans car keys hanging from the lock. She was so relieved to be home she forgot she'd lied about her keys.

"Regina!" Gretchen shrieked.

"I found them," Regina said, trying to shrug her off.

Gretchen's heels clacked as she hurried over to Regina, "Why did you lie about losing your keys!?"

"I didn't."

"Yes! You did!"

"There was a lot happening. You should be grateful I didn't leave your asses behind. I could have."

"You may as well have! We could have died but you kept us in that mall! For what!? Why!? Because-" Gretchen gasped, something clicking.

Regina took a step forward, "You've got the wrong idea."

"Regina."

"Don't."

"Regina."

"It was just a slip. You're reading into it," Regina picked up the landline and shoved it into Gretchen's hands, "Call you dad to come pick you up. I'm taking a bath."

Without another word, Regina left the kitchen. She passed Karen, Rodrick, and the kids as she did. She kept a straight face but it felt as if Greg and Rowley may as well have set up another bomb.

"Should we go?" Greg asked.

"I don't know," Rodrick said.

"Me either," Karen said.

"I'm… gonna go check on her," Rodrick said.

"While she's in the bath!?" Rowley cried out in horror.

"The tub has to fill up first, idiot. I have a few seconds."

Rodrick hurried up the stairs, pausing halfway to call back, "Sit on the couch and don't touch anything."

The boys obeyed for once.

The house was huge, but Regina's room was easy enough to find. He knocked on the door.

"Go away, Gretchen!"

"It's Rodrick."

The door opened, "Why the hell are you still here?"

"I thought you might need help."

"I don't. You can go."

"It looks like Gretchen is leaving and she'll probably take Karen. If I go, you'll be alone."

Regina frowned, "That's fine."

Rodrick looked away a little awkwardly, "Let me wait and at least give you a ride back to your car."

Regina blushed, caught in her lie once again, "Fine."

Rodrick was about to head back downstairs when she stepped out of the way. Was she giving him permission to wait in her room!?

"Don't go digging around. I'll be out in a minute."

"Right!"

Regina closed the door behind him and disappeared into the bathroom. Rodrick took a seat at the edge of her bed. Her room was totally massive and pink. He was kind of how he imagined it. There were pictures on the wall of her and her friends from over the years. What he didn't expect to find was a massive Avril Lavigne poster. Beside it was a poster for The Strokes. He told her he wouldn't go digging around, but he couldn't stop himself from looking too closely at everything.

He found a few more rock CDs and, yes, a copy of Jennifer's Body under her bed. He caught a glimpse of something else while he was down there, a pink book covered in kiss marks. Her diary? He was tempted to look. But that would also ruin his chances with her if he got caught so he left it alone, kicking it a little further under the bed to be safe.

A melody came to him and he quietly hummed it to himself, air drumming. He started muttering to himself, stringing words together into sloppy lyrics.

"In Regina's Room there's a walk in closet and a king sized bed… In Regina's Room there's uh something something rhymes with bed. Wait. I'm frickin' Mozart."

He kept humming to himself, bobbing his head and swaying as a deeply mid song started to take shape. He was so lost in his composing that he actually squeaked when Regina addressed him.

"Did you sneak a Quaalude?"

"Regina! I was just-"

"Grossing me out again. Don't worry. I'm getting used to it."

She was wearing sweats, her hair damp. He'd never seen her without makeup before. She was still beautiful. It was as if she could read his mind, she rolled her eyes so hard. Strutting past him, she went into her walk in closet.

"So. You and Gretchen," he heard her say.

"Huh?"

"She was throwing herself at you and you didn't seem to hate it. I could set you up if you want."

"Aren't you two fighting?"

"She'll get over it and beg me to forgive her later. Since she'll owe me I could definitely score you a date."

"Uh-"

"She's dated losers before. It's really no big deal."

"Regina?"

"Yeah?" She poked her head out of the closet.

"Why are you trying to set me up with your friend when you know I like you?"

She blinked, staring at him like he'd just spoken a foreign language before returning to her task, "Dating Gretchen would do a lot for your street cred. And she's super easy. Not easy like Karen, but you wouldn't have to try super hard to keep her, y'know? Ugh. Where is it…"

Rodrick got up and approached the closet. She turned around when she heard him. He stayed on the other side of the doorway, leaning on the wall.

"Are you making fun of me?"

Regina shrugged, holding a small box, "No. I'm trying to help you. And Gretchen. You should go out with her."

"Why would you set me up with her?"

"I told you. It's because-"

"I like you."

She paused. Rodrick said it again.

"I like you. Not her. So don't say stuff like that anymore."

"…Alright."

"What are you looking for?"

"My nail stuff. It's up there."

"Here," he stepped back so she could comfortably leave her closet, then he walked in and grabbed the box and gave it to her.

"Thanks."

"It's not a big deal."

They lingered in the closet doorway, Rodrick looking at Regina seriously. He'd told her. He just outright said he liked her. Why did he feel so calm? Shouldn't he be banging his head against the wall? Shouldn't she be yelling at him? Why did he feel like something was happening between them? Wishful thinking, that's why.

"Want me to do your nails?" He said, feeling kinda awkward.

"Are you gay?"

He held his hands up to show off his black nail polish, "I'm punk."

"Is there a difference?"

"If we're gonna date, there'd better be."

She crooked a smile of absolute disbelief, "Who says we're gonna date?"

Rodrick just shrugged, "I feel like something's happening between us. Am I wrong?"

"On so many levels."

"You want me to do your nails or not?"

She stared at him incredulously and gave in, "It wouldn't be the weirdest thing that's happened today. Sure. Why not?"

They moved back into her bathroom. It was still warm and smelled like her shampoo. She sat on a pink ottoman while Rodrick set up, sitting on the side of edge of the tub. It was hardly a manicure. He only barely knew what he was doing, relying heavily on the names of stuff on the bottles to clue him into what they were for. Regina just watched him as he worked.

"You like me," she said.

"Yes."

"I don't blame you. What specifically do you like about me?"

His heart started pounding and his face flushed. Why would she ask why he liked her if she didn't wanna know!? And if she wanted to know, then didn't that mean she wasn't totally averse to the idea!? Was she warming up to him!? Don't blow this, Rodrick!

"You're like if the wicked witch was insanely hot. What's not to like? I like that nothing stops you from getting what you want. And the way you took down those zombies? It just made you even hotter! You were like one of those ninja babes from a video game-"

She grimaced, "Forget I asked."

"I was just being honest."

"That's your problem. You honestly suck."

"Yeah yeah. Other hand. And don't bump this one."

She gave him her other hand and he got to work. She admired her nails. They were simple and bubble bath pink. The shape was good enough and her cuticles looked fine.

"I would never pay for a manicure like this."

"I wouldn't ask you to."

She paused, resting her hand on her knee, "But it's not the worst ever."

He watched her through his bangs. She was purposefully not looking at him. Almost done with her other hand, he decided to push his luck even further.

"Why didn't you leave when we found Gretchen and Karen?"

Regina didn't say anything. Rodrick waited, watching her closely.

"Like I said, I thought I lost my keys."

"Do you want me to pretend to believe you?"

"Yes."

"Then I guess you lost your keys," he said, raising her hand to gently blow on her wet nails, "All done."

"I'm gonna change again. Go wait downstairs."

"Sure."

When Rodrick was back in the hallway the events of the last few minutes caught up with him and he held his head, silently screaming. Did that really just happen!? What was he on!? Were they making progress!? Was he dreaming!? Was he dead!? There was no way this was happening!? Holy crap!

When he made it downstairs, Gretchen and Karen were gone. Meanwhile, Greg and Rowley were in the kitchen with crystal glasses talking to each other in bad fake accents.

"Rodrick!" Greg exclaimed, setting his cup down, "You have to marry Regina! She's rich!"

"And then you can get her autograph for me!" Rowley tacked on.

"Guys, I can't handle this right now. Put that stuff away and just be silent. I'm begging you."

Regina George. Regina Heffley? No. It would be better if he took her last name. What the heck was he even thinking!? So what? They had a single moment. That didn't mean anything was going to come of it. He needed to calm down. He needed to work out his feelings on his drum set.

Regina came down the stairs carrying a Louis Vuitton backpack.

"Where to?"

"What?"

"I'm sticking with you guys. Where are you headed?"

Rodrick was astral projecting at that point. Was this really happening!?

Rowley beamed, "You wanna go to my house and meet my mom!?"

There it was… The lamest thing that could have possibly been said. It seemed Rodrick's good luck had finally run out.

Chapter Text

The four remaining teens piled into Rodrick's van and prepared for the perilous journey to Rowley's house. Regina kicked a magazine down to out her backpack on top of to keep it from touching the dirty car floor. Rodrick's heart was threatening to explode as he did his best to look normal, buckling his seatbelt.

"Your car is a piece of shit," Regina said, though she didn't seem to hate it.

"Part of the appeal. Plus it fits my drums."

"You ever have girls back there?"

Rodrick swallowed his heart down, looking as nonchalant as possible, "I don't kiss and tell."

That was when Greg poked his head out from between the seats, "He just doesn't kiss, actually. Hi. Greg Heffley. My birthday is June 16th. A pleasure to make you acquaintance."

As Greg extended his hand for Regina to shake, Rodrick shoved him back hard by the face. His little brother landed with a hard thud and was immediately replaced by Rowley.

"I'm Rowley. Since I'm going to be in high school next year, will you make me a plastic?"

"Fat chance."

Rowley beamed, hopping back to sit with his friend, "You hear that, Greg! I have a chance!"

Greg debated clearing up the misunderstanding, but decided not to. Instead he patted his friend on the back, a lot like the way his own dad did with him whenever he did something stupid and his dad was too tired to really deal with it.

"Happy for you, bud."

"I promise I won't forget you."

"Thanks."

"Alright, everyone be cool," Rodrick said, starting the van, "Who knows what horrors we'll see out there."

"Regina, do you have any snacks in your bag?" Rowley asked.

Regina passed the kids some gum. They were way more excited than they should have been, Rowley pocking the wrapper for scrap booking later. Regina frowned, wondering if this was really a good idea.

"It's not too late for you to save yourself," Rodrick said, the car rolling down the driveway, "Rowley's mom is just like him but nicer. You want me to take you to your car?"

"No, it's fine. My family left me for dead. I'll just use that against them to throw a totally kick ass sweet sixteen."

"But you already had a-"

"I'll just have another one."

"Can I come?"

"Drive."

"Yes, ma'am."

The streets of Regina's posh neighborhood were completely abandoned. The super rich and beautiful had all fled for their vacation homes away from the virus. It was eerie. Regina watched each house slowly pass with a vacant expression.

Rodrick hit the radio to try and ease some of the growing tension, skipping around until he could find a station that wasn't talking about the outbreak. Johnny Mathis' voice filled the car as the ironic scene outside played.

Zombies. Car wrecks. Small fires. Blood. And then

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas~ Everywhere you go~ Take a look at the five and ten, glistening once again~ With candy canes and silver lanes aglow~"

The van jumped as they slowly rolled over a corpse in the street. The new movement attracted the zombies, who lazily beat their bodies against the van. Greg and Rowley clung to each other in the back, shutting their eyes. Rodrick didn't know what to do. He liked to tease his brother but he didn't want him to be scarred for life.

"Roll down the window," Regina announced.

"No! You'll let them in!"

"It's fine," Regina dug through her bag and pulled out a lighter and some hairspray.

Rodrick gasped, falling in love all over again, "Totally metal."

"It's not metal. It's Frederick Fekkai."

As soon as the window was down, Regina was torching the surrounding zombies. The air smelled like burning hair and meat. The zombies caught fire easily, taking off and bumping into other zombies until everything looked like a mosh pit inside a bonfire. Regina rolled the window up again looking completely pleased with herself.

"You are totally bad ass," Rodrick said, turning onto the highway.

"Thank you." She punctuated the sentence by fixing her lip gloss in the rear view mirror.

Meanwhile, Rowley and Greg were just staring at her in abject horror. The Christmas music played and played.

The highways were mostly clear. If they didn't look too far out in the distance, it would have felt like any other quiet evening. Regina hummed along to the Kate Smith version of Silver Bells. She was a better singer than Rodrick, though that wasn't hard to do. Rodrick wondered if he could get her to feature on a Loaded Diaper song. He needed to finish that song he was drafting in her bedroom. That would be like poetry or something.

Rowley joined in on the singing. Greg followed shortly. Rodrick was surprised it didn't kill the mood. So he started singing too. The four of them had a cute little moment under the most bizarre of circumstances.

Pulling off the highway, they made it to the edge of Rowley's neighborhood where they saw another van flipped over.

"Oh my god, is that Juno MacGuff?" Regina exclaimed, pointing out a pregnant teen wandering around with blood dripping from her chin.

"And Bleeker's with her! Wow. Even in the snow, he's got those shorts on. Doesn't his junk ever get cold?" Rodrick said, careful to drive around them.

"You think the baby's gonna come out a zombie?" Regina smirked.

"Maybe it'll claw its way out like Renesmee. Babies have fingernails you know."

"Fingernails," Regina nodded, "I was picturing something closer to the chest scene in Alien."

"You know Alien?"

Regina shrugged, "And you know Twilight."

"I like Twilight!" Rowley said, "Regina, what team are you?"

"Team Edward. Think of all the money you save on fillers."

"I'm Team Edward too!" Rowley beamed, "He waited for like a hundred years for true love!"

Greg rolled his eyes, "Oh please. If true love is just a bunch of stuttering and eyebrow scrunching, you can leave me out of it."

"Love is pain, little bro," Rodrick said, "I'm a Team Jacob, myself."

"Because you both smell likes dogs?" Regina grinned.

"No. Because he's the underdog."

"He loses in the end."

"Yeah, but he does his best!"

"He marries an infant."

"Yeah… You're right…"

"You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster!?" Rowley shouted before laughing his head off.

Greg rolled his eyes, "I don't know how you guys can actually like that stuff."

"Like you have room to talk," Rodrick called back over his shoulder, "Your favorite movie is Trolls 2."

"Trolls 2 is the perfect movie! If you would just sit down and watch it then you-"

"No way. That's baby stuff."

Rowley pat his friend's shoulder, "It's okay, Greg. I like Trolls 2."

"Thanks Rowley…"

"Rowley, if your mom asks, I absolutely have seats in the back of my van. Got it?"

"Got it!"

They rounded the block and came to a stop on the sleepy street where Rowley's house was. Just like the rest of the neighborhood, it was mostly quiet. As quietly and quickly as possible, they jumped from the van and let themselves into Rowley's house.

"Mom! Mom, where are you!" Rowley called, running deeper into the cluttered home.

Greg followed after him while Rodrick and Regina remained in the foyer. The house was decked out for Christmas like an old school Macy's catalogue. There were rainbow colored lights and garland everywhere. A gingerbread cookie candle was burning by the door and a Burl Ives record was playing in the next room. When they looked up, they saw mistletoe and each took a step away from each other.

"Mom!" They heard Rowley exclaim and hurried to check on him.

His mom startled awake from the blanketed couch, "Goodness me! I must have dozed off! Welcome home, Rowley. And Greg is here. Are you sleeping over dear? Ah, Rodrick is with-"

Rowley's mom's jaw dropped and she adjusted her glasses several times before exclaiming, "Regina George!?"

Rowley beamed, "We met her at the mall, mom! Isn't this the best!?"

"Why, it's a Christmas miracle," she said, hurrying over to shake the micro-celebrity's hand, "My son just adores you. Please, make yourself comfortable. How long will you be staying with us, Miss George?"

Regina put on the sweetest smile Rodrick had ever seen, "Thank you, Miss- Uh-"

"Jefferson. But please, call me Linda."

"Linda. I hope you don't mind the intrusion. It's just with everything that's happening, I was hoping it would be alright to it out with a trustworthy adult."

"Happening?"

Apparently, Linda had fallen asleep just as the outbreak began. She had absolutely no idea what was going on. As soon as she was filled in, she threw her arms around her son and kissed his face repeatedly. Rowley was as scrunched up as a pet cat paying their rent, readily accepting his mother's affection.

"Thank you for protecting my boy, Rodrick," Linda wept, "Of course you can all stay here."

"I'm gonna try to call my mom," Greg said, "Can I use your phone?"

"Yes, dear. It's in the kitchen."

"Hopefully the cell towers are still up," Rodrick said, following his little brother.

By the time Rodrick made it to the kitchen, Greg already had the phone up to his ear. Rodrick crouched down so he could listen in. As the line rang, he could see Greg shaking. So Rodrick wasn't the only one putting on a brave face…

He put an arm around Greg's shoulder, "It's gonna be okay."

Greg calmed a little and then he heard his mom's voice on the other end of the line, "Hello!? Linda!?"

"Mom! Mom, it's Greg!"

"Oh thank god! Are you okay!? Where's your brother!?"

"He's here! He protected me and Rowley! We're all okay!"

"Oh my gosh. Thank you, Rodrick. I don't know what's happening, but we're stuck at the airport. We haven't even seen grandpa or grandma yet. Everything is at a standstill until they figure out what's going on."

"It's zombies, mom. Be careful. We don't know how it's spreading."

"Can you give the phone to your brother?"

Greg passed Rodrick the phone, "Yeah, mom?"

She sighed with relief, "I just needed to hear your voice, sweetie. I'm glad you're all safe."

Rodrick teared up a little, but he tried to keep it cool, "We're okay, mom. We're gonna stay at Rowley's tonight. So you just focus on yourselves. We'll see you soon. Right?"

"Right."

Their mom sounded ready to cry. She said something to their dad and then he was on the phone.

"Good work, boys. I'm proud of you. We'll meet you at Rowley's as soon as we can."

The call didn't last much longer, them prioritizing the cell phone battery. But for the time being, everyone was okay. Greg slumped to the floor, still holding the phone though the call had ended. Rodrick joined him, still holding onto him.

"It's not all bad, you know," he said.

"It's not?"

"Everyone's okay. And Rowley's mom has all kinds of snacks. We can pretty much eat whatever we want and stay up all night watching movies. It'll be like a way lamer version of that party I threw earlier this year."

Greg laughed a little, "Oh yeah. You, me, Rowley, and Linda. What a rager."

"And Regina George. But mainly, you and me. It's Christmas Eve Eve. Let's go nuts and forget about all the stuff outside for a while."

"Yeah…" Greg peeked up at his brother, "Uh, thanks, Rodrick."

Greg hugged Rodrick as tightly as he could. At first, it was a little weird. They weren't really the hugging sort. But Rodrick squeezed him back anyway. He was a brat. But he was also just a kid. Rodrick supposed it wouldn't be such a big deal to be a real big brother for one night.

---

"Simply having a wonderful Christmas time~ Simply having a wonderful Christmas time~"

Rowley and Linda screamed into the cordless microphones wearing matching Santa face. sweaters. Linda definitely knit them herself. Meanwhile, Greg, Rodrick, and Regina sat on the couch in their own Linda specials. Perhaps the Hell outside wasn't as bad as they thought.

"Shouldn't we be quiet," Greg said with his fakest smile, "I mean, what if the zombies hear us?"

Linda waved him off, "And just sit around being scared? I couldn't think of a worse way to pass the time."

"I can," Rodrick mumbled.

"Come and dance with us! You'll change your tune!" Linda waved Greg over.

"Yeah, Greg! I'll queue up The Chipmunk Song!" Rowley was just as eager.

Greg looked to his brother for help. Rodrick was about to when Linda said,

"I'll get my video camera!"

Greg gripped his brother's sleeve for dear life, "Rodrick."

"I'm sorry."

"Rodrick, please. You gotta help me."

"I want that video tape."

"Rodrick! Don't do this to me!"

Rowley pulled Greg off the couch and Rodrick waved him off like he was sending the poor kid off to war. So much for being a good brother.

"Come with me," Regina said, walking into the hall with her bag.

Rodrick hurried after her and she lead him to a quiet part of the house. There was mistletoe overhead, but he was sure it was just a coincidence. That didn't stop him from getting his hopes up.

"I can't take this anymore," she said, pulling out a handle of Jack Daniels.

"Holy shit!"

"Shhhhh!" She hissed, covering his mouth before opening the bottle and taking a swig, "Want some?"

On the one hand, he'd never drank before. If his parents found out, they'd kill him. If Linda found out, she'd also kill him. On the other hand, he was at the end of the world with the girl of his dreams and she was offering him a drink. It was time to nut up or shut up.

He chugged and Regina quietly applauded him.

"Hey, no so fast," she laughed, taking the bottle back from him, "This has to last us the night. Maybe even two nights. Be cool."

Rodrick almost threw up, but he kept the whiskey down, "I'm cool."

"Is this your first time drinking?"

"No… Yes."

She took another big gulp and put the bottle back into her bag, "You're such a dweeb. Come on, let's go back before Linda catches us."

"Right."

---

Greg was supposed to be the one embarrassing himself that night. But as Rodrick and Regina screamed into their microphones, Linda clapping along happily, Greg filmed and got the black mail of a life time.

"I ought to say 'No, no, no, sir,'" Regina hollered.

"Mind if I move in closer," Rodrick sang at a pitch only dogs could hear.

"At least I'm gonna say that I tried~"

"What's the sense of hurting my pride?"

Regina couldn't finish the song, she was laughing too hard at Rodrick. He just got even worse, nearly falling over. A bell went off in the kitchen and Linda walked out to go check on the cookies and pie she was baking.

The song changed and Regina immediately straightened up. Jingle Bell Rock filled the air and Rowley, instantly understanding, joined her in front of the Christmas tree and did the famous choreography with her. Greg kept filming, wondering what his life was turning into.

Rodrick cheered from the floor. By the time Linda came back, they were lucky and the worst of the dance was over.

"Oh, that's so sweet! Looking good, Rowley!"

"Thanks, mom!"

"Yeah, thanks, mom!" Regina laughed, helping Rodrick back onto his feet.

"You kids are so cute. How long have you been dating?" Linda asked.

"We're not dating," Regina said, her gaze not leaving Rodrick's, "It's charity work for my college aps."

Rodrick burst out laughing. Linda didn't get it, but if Rodrick was happy then it was probably fine. She beckoned the kids to the kitchen to help her plate up their treats and pour the hot coco.

Rodrick stayed in Regina's arms. It probably should have been the other way around, but Rodrick wasn't complaining. He wondered what she was thinking. She probably wasn't.

"You like pie?" He asked, feeling stupid all over again.

"Between you and me… I fucking love pie. Holy shit. Pie sounds so good."

Rodrick laughed, "Hell yeah, let's go get some pie!"

Still holding hands, they moved into the kitchen to drunkenly fuck up some pie.

---

Greg and Rowley were falling asleep on each other and Linda sent them up to bed.

"I have an inflatable mattress, Regina, you're welcome to that. Rodrick can take the couch."

"Thank you, Linda," she said.

As soon as she tried blowing the thing up, however, they found a hole in it. Linda apologized profusely.

"I'll sleep on the floor, it's all good," Rodrick said.

"I'm sorry."

"Nah. Thanks for housing us."

"If your parents get here before morning, come wake me. Hopefully, we can figure out what to do while the kids are asleep. Goodnight. Sweet dreams."

"Goodnight, Linda," Rodrick and Regina said as the woman disappeared upstairs.

They remained on the couch for a while, watching Meet Me in St. Louis. They were at the scene where Judy Garland sings Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Regina leaned against Rodrick while he sat deathly still.

"Are you going to put your arm around me or not?"

"I can?"

"If you don't want me to think you're gay."

Rodrick stiffly put his arm around her. He'd never held a girl before. He never imagined his first time would be with the illustrious Regina George. Was he doing alright? Was there a special trick to it? He had no idea.

After a while, she spoke again.

"If you promise not to tell anyone I invited you, you can come to my party."

"For real?"

"Sure."

"Can my band play?"

"Don't push it."

The movie ended and Rodrick's arm was starting to fall asleep. He didn't know what to do about it. He didn't want to let go but he didn't want his limb to auto amputate.

"I'm going to sleep," Regina said.

Rodrick crawled off the couch and made himself comfortable on the floor. It wasn't that bad. He'd slept in his van a few times. She laid down with her back to him. It was quiet for a long time. He wondered if she'd already fallen asleep.

"Rodrick?" She whispered.

"Yeah?"

"I don't know why I came with you."

"To blackmail your parents."

"You actually believed that?" She rolled over and faced him.

He smiled up at her, "I told you I'd believe you. Even if I know you're lying."

Regina rolled away from him again, pulling her blankets up higher, "Just don't expect anything. I'm probably just stroking out or something."

"As a medical professional, you are definitely stroking out."

He could hear her trying not to laugh.

"Sweet dreams, Regina."

"Goodnight, Rodrick."

Chapter Text

Rodrick awoke early in the morning to knocking on the front door. His eyes refused to open, so he groped around until he felt the table and sat up, careful not to hit his head, not that it would have mattered. He had a splitting headache.

Right. He did shots with Regina last night…

Rodrick's eyes opened and he turned his head slowly to find her sleeping peacefully on the couch. Zooweemama. It wasn't all a dream.

Taking a closer look, he smiled to himself. She looked so sweet when she was asleep. You'd never guess she was she was an absolute bitch in her waking life.

There was another knock at the door and Rodrick made his way over, peeking out the peephole to see who it was. When he saw the fisheye warped face of his mom, he quickly unlocked everything and opened it, letting the cold air in.

"Mom!"

"Rodrick!"

They held onto each other tightly, his mom quietly thanking him over and over again for keeping Greg safe. Dad was in the car with Grandma and Grandpa. Manny was passed out in the back seat.

"Come on inside."

"I've just come to thank Linda and get you and Greg…" Mom's voice trailed off when she noticed the sleeping girl on the couch. "Rodrick. Who is that?"

He tried not to blush, standing in front of her so his mom would stop staring, "Just a classmate. Ran into her at the mall and uh it's a long story."

"Do her parents know you have her?"

"They're uh out of town. So she asked to stay with me because I'm so manly and protective."

Mom arched an eyebrow, "Rodrick, if I wake up on Christmas morning to kidnapping charges, I'm taking away your drums for life."

"No, not my drums- I mean, there's no problem. She'll tell you herself when she wakes up."

"Right… Well, I'm going to go find Linda and get Greg. Wake your friend and let her know she's welcome to hide out at our house until this is all settled."

"Sure. Whatever you say."

Mom walked past him and quietly went up the stairs. As soon as she was out of sight, he sprinted to the bathroom and rinsed his mouth out and half washed his face. Sniffing himself, he nearly barfed. Ripping the ugly Christmas sweater off, he took some hand soap and tried to scrub his pits in the sink. He got water everywhere and ruined a perfectly good festive hand towel.

Sniffing himself again, he shrugged.

"Better?"

Then he threw the sweater back on. Hey. Maybe she was into the whole mountain men stench thing? Weirder things have happened?

He thought about the night before, about how they sang together and shared secrets after everyone else had already gone to bed. A warm smile spread on his face when he remembered the horrified and disgusted looks she'd given him all through the evening.

He remembered her party invitation.

She liked him, right? He wasn't just imagining it. Regina George, the girl of his dreams, was starting to like him. Even after surviving Rowley's mom's impromptu holiday party, she was still into him. If he did everything right today, maybe he could confess to her for real. She'd probably shoot him down even if she was he love with him. He'd just cramp her style.

"Gosh, I love her," he gushed to himself, twirling and tripping on the toilet.

He hit the wall hard with his face. Turning back to the mirror, he could tell it was going to leave a sick bruise. Well… At least he wouldn't have to hide his headache anymore.

Creeping out of the bathroom, he tip toed back to Regina to try and suavely wake her up. But when he rounded the couch, she was already glaring at him.

"Aren't you a little old to be falling into the toilet?"

"I should have waited until you were around to catch me."

"Why would we ever be in a bathroom together?"

"I dunno. Maybe at your next party when you don't want anyone to find out how much you dig me."

"Your brain must be hemorrhaging."

"What's that mean?"

"It means you're a dumbass," she yawned, slowly sitting up while fixing her hair with her fingers.

Rodrick squatted down, placing his chin on the armrest of the couch. She reached into her bag and pulled out a hair brush. She held it up to her ends and paused, holding it out to Rodrick silently.

"You want me to brush your hair?"

"No. You want to brush my hair and I'm feeling generous."

Rodrick took the hair brush and stood behind her while she readjusted her sitting position. He was suddenly so grateful he washed his hands… Sorta. They got cleaned while he was soaping his pits. Sniffing his finger tips, he figured they were fine. As gently as possible he started brushing her long silky hair.

Rodrick didn't play with dolls as a kid, even though he always kinda wanted to. But it wasn't worth getting picked on. He'd heard other kids in school say that Regina was like the Barbie they always wanted. As he brushed, he had to agree. If Regina asked him, he'd play tea party until the end of time. What would his toy name be? He didn't think of himself as much of a Ken. Mr. Bear? Nah, he was too skinny.

Rodrick the Tank Engine. That's fucking sick. He'd be a train in the playroom of her world.

"You're not bad at this," she said, relaxing.

"Right, I don't know how long you've been awake but my mom is here. She says you're welcome to come with us. Or I could take you back to your house."

Regina hummed, thinking to herself, "Well. It is Christmas Eve. I suppose I could grace your presence just a little while longer out of the goodness of my heart."

"Thank you for being so giving and… giving-er, Miss George."

"And hot."

"Super hot."

Regina laughed to herself and it was a better song than anything his band had ever played. If only he could play it on a CD whenever he wanted… Maybe she'd let him record it at his house. She'd probably make him streak in the snow in exchange. And then his mom would kill him… Worth it.

His mom came creeping back down the stairs with Greg, who was rubbing his eyes as he followed her. He obviously started sobbing when he saw his mommy. Rodrick would have to make fun of him for that later.

Regina quickly stood up and politely covered her mouth with her hand as she spoke, "It's so good to meet you. I'm Regina George-"

"Rodrick's girlfriend," Greg said over her, winking at his brother like he was genuinely helping.

Their mom covered Greg's mouth with her hand and nodded politely, "Sorry about that. Hi, it's nice to meet you. I'm the mom, but you can call me Susan."

"Rodrick filled me in on everything. If I can just brush my teeth real quick, I'll be ready to go."

"Of course, dear. Take your time, we'll be outside in the car."

Regina nodded politely and hurried past everyone to the small guest bathroom. The last thing they heard before the door shut was the sound of her complaining about how wet everything was and hissing at the smell coming from the hand towel.

"You don't have to wait up," Rodrick said with his most innocent smile, "I have the van. We can just meet you back home."

Obviously his mom could tell he was up to something and smiled politely, "Right. I forgot you have your van."

"Uh huh."

"And our car is just so full."

"So full."

"I'm sure it would be more comfortable to split up."

"For comfort's sake. Yes."

"Then you can drive Greg too."

"Then I can drive Greg too- What!? Mom."

Susan took a step closer, looking more smug than he'd ever seen her, and she whispered, "I'm honestly impressed you got a girl like that to hang out with you, honey. But that doesn't mean it's okay for the two of you to be alone together. What would her parents think if I let her go back… potentially… you know…"

"What, mom?" Greg asked.

"Yeah. What, mom?" Rodrick threw her wicked grin right back in her face.

"Smooched." She frowned, "No smooching. Greg, make sure there's no smooching."

"Yes, mom."

"Yes, mom," Rodrick mimicked in a whiny voice, "Traitor."

"If it makes you feel better, mom, Rodrick's too big a coward to kiss her."

"That's probably true," Susan said, kissing the top of his head and then Rodrick's cheek, "I'll see you boys at home. Drive safe."

"Bye, mom," they said together.

As soon as Susan was back by the front door, the bathroom door slowly creaked open. Regina peaked out wearing her favorite impish grin. Rodrick rolled his eyes as she laughed a little at him.

"Alright boys, lead the way."

---

The drive back to the Heffley house wasn't long. And while they lived far enough away from the initial outbreak, the neighborhood was more quiet than they were expecting. It was almost as if everything was completely normal.

Rodrick turned the radio to a news station and everyone listened closely.

"This is Gale Weathers reporting live from the Evanston Mall parking lot where the zombie case was first documented. We've learned a few things in the last twelve hours. Firstly, the virus is not air born. It is spread by touching their fragrant ooze. As a result, rubbering up is no longer optional. Protect yourselves and your neighbors by wearing gloves until the last zombie has been disposed of. The Evanston Mall will also be closed until we can understand what cause this disaster."

"Not all of the zombies are still at the mall, though," Greg said, "Should we be scared?"

"I am now speaking directly with local gunmen, Tucker and Dale. Gentlemen, as part of the volunteer force against evil, do you have any words of encouragement for those listening?"

"Shoot! We've been waiting for this! Right Dale?"

"Yee haw! I love living in a stand your ground state!"

"Illinois is not a stand your ground state," Gale said.

"Oh."

"We'll be back after these messages."

The van pulled to a stop as a toothpaste jingle started playing. They looked around to be sure it was safe and quickly made their way inside the house. Right away, it had a completely different vibe from Rowley's. His house was decked out in rainbow lights, tinsel, and handmade knickknacks. Susan preferred a more classic Christmas; warm toned lights, red ribbons, simple green garlands, and real pine tree that got needles everywhere.

"Your house is more normal than I thought," Regina said.

"Kids? That you? We're in the kitchen!" They heard mom call.

The three of them moved through the halls, Regina a little slowly. She looked at all the pictures on the wall and slowed when they passed the tree. Rodrick decided it was fine to let her linger. She'd probably be bored sitting through a family meeting. Rodrick usually was.

"First of all, I'm so happy we are all safe and sound." Susan said, "But we should address the elephant in the room."

"Rodrick, is that your girlfriend?" His dad asked just quiet enough that Regina wouldn't hear in the next room.

Rodrick couldn't help himself. He didn't say anything. He just sort of vaguely gestured. If they chose to make assumptions, he couldn't be held accountable.

"She doesn't love herself," Grandpa said.

"No, she doesn't respect herself," Grandma said.

"You guys really think I'm that bad?" Rodrick hissed.

"Yes," his grandparents said together.

Rodrick threw his hands in the air, "Gotta love the holidays."

Susan stepped between her son and the rest of the family, "That wasn't what I meant at all. But shame on you both. My boys have been through quite a tough time-"

"I had a tough time in the war-"

"Shh!" Mom hissed, "They're just kids. And they saw the worst of it. And that poor girl, she was probably terrified. Today is Christmas Eve. But we won't be going to the soup kitchen or to see Santa like normal thanks to the lock down. There aren't going any distractions from each other. So I'm laying down some ground rules."

"Are you just going to let her talk to us like that?" Grandma asked her son.

Dad shrugged, "Yeah, I think so. It's about time someone did."

"Thank you, dear," Susan said, taking her husband's hand, "From now until Christmas morning, no fighting. I mean it. No picking fights. No teasing. No mean comments. We are going to have as nice a Christmas as we possibly can. Understood?"

"Understood," the family said.

"Good." Susan sighed with relief, "Rodrick, go offer your friend a snack."

"Mom, would it be okay if I showed her the garage?"

"Just keep it down. You know how Grandpa gets with loud noises."

Rodrick hugged his mom and practically left sparkles in his footsteps as he rejoined Regina. They all watched him twirl around. Had they ever seen him so goofy? Not since he was a kid.

"It's because you let him wear makeup," Grandpa said.

"One more crack out of you and I'll break out the gluten free cookies."

Grandpa nodded, motioning that he was zipping his lips permanently.

"Well, let's settle in. Greg, help me with the sides."

"Okay, mom."

"Frank, get your parents in front of the TV then check on Manny."

"Yes, boss."

---

Regina was standing by the family Christmas tree looking at the variety of ornaments. She poked the one made with his baby picture and grinned at him.

"You look exactly the same."

"I was a pretty awesome baby. Makes sense I wouldn't change that much. Come on."

"Taking me to your room already?"

Rodrick blushed, trying to keep it together, "The garage."

She grimaced, "What?"

"Trust me, you'll like it," he said, taking her hand.

He half expected her to slap him away like she'd done before, especially with his whole family not so secretly watching. But she just let herself get dragged along. Maybe she'd given up on appearances when Rowley's mom forced her into the ugly sweater she was still wearing.

The garage didn't house any cars. It had a beat up old carpet on the floor, a spare fridge filled with sodas, a ratty couch, an ancient TV, a mic stand, and a drum set. It was really cold in there, so Rodrick turned on the space heater.

"What do you think?" He asked proudly.

"You honestly thought I would like this… hovel?"

"It's pretty rock n roll right?"

It clicked and Regina crossed her arms, "You did snoop through my room!"

"Not really! I just saw your posters and some CDs laying around! Really! I swear, I didn't actually touch anything!"

She pursed her lips, a faintly blushing, "For a total dumbass you're way too observant."

"You wanna try?"

"Huh!?"

He switched on the speaker and nodded toward the microphone, "We can't be too loud though."

Regina fought with herself. She was a little upset she'd been caught. But it wasn't like there were any witnesses. Even if Rodrick tried to tell people, who would believe him? She shrugged.

"Lend me a shirt."

"A shirt?"

"I don't look the part," she said, admiring the shoddy rehearsal space.

Rodrick tore out of the garage and catapulted up the staircase to his room where he tripped over his dirty laundry covering the floor. Holy shit, it was a good thing he started their tour in the garage. Hoisting everything, he chucked it all into his dresser, leaving one shirt on the floor to make it seem like he definitely didn't just half ass a clean. Digging through his drawers, he found a clean Green Day hoodie and tumbled down the stairs like a new born baby.

"Rodrick! Are you okay!?" His dad asked, running over to him.

"I'm good!" Rodrick said, his spine cracking back into place as he crawled back to the garage.

The family stared at him in horror. Grandma nodded to herself.

"Never mind. He doesn't respect himself."

---

Regina was admiring the drum set when Rodrick came back into the room. He held up the hoodie for her and she excitedly snatched it from him. Yanking off the Christmas sweater, she tossed it onto the couch and pulled the hoodie over her head.

"What do you think?"

Regina George was wearing his hoodie. He didn't know what to think. He almost cried.

"You look beautiful."

She was definitely happy, but she still chastised him, "No. I look cool."

"The coolest."

She practically skipped over to the mic, "Testing, testing…"

Rodrick clapped and cheered, not as loudly as he wanted to but just short of his mom coming in and yelling at him.

"Full house, huh. I love my fans," Regina laughed.

"We love you, Regina!"

"Of course you do. Now, what to sing…"

After a little deliberation, she opened her mouth.

"Who shall call this off~ Such a sight fills my heart with awe~ Such a sight fills my heart with awe~ It's some mysterious mass anesthesia~"

She stopped and winced, "It's a little awkward without music."

No way. Did that mean what he hoped it did? When Regina gestured to his drum set, he was sure he died back at the mall and gone to heaven. He took a seat behind his kit. Hmm. Singing along to just drums didn't seem like it would be any easier.

He decided to just start for her, keeping a beat, "Let's make one up."

"I've never…"

"My band is called Loaded Diaper. It's just for fun. Don't worry so much."

"Alright."

He started to play a riff, something easy for a beginner to go along with. Regina hummed a little awkwardly, testing the waters. Rodrick had his buddy teach him a little guitar, he'd need to master it if he wanted to write a song with Regina one day.

Woah, with? He was getting way too ahead of himself.

He kinda liked that.

"I'm getting ahead of myself," he sang badly, earning another laugh from Regina.

"And I've trapped myself with a weirdo~"

"A girl's never worn my clothes before~"

"And probably never will again~"

"There were zombies at the big mall~"

Regina burst out laughing, failing to sing along, "What the heck?"

"We can't all be Kurt Cobain," Rodrick shrugged, hitting a flourish.

Regina clapped politely, moving away from the mic to the couch, "Play me one of your songs."

"You wanna hear an original!?"

"Yup. You win. I'm curious."

"Let me see… What can I play that's cool- I know!"

Raising his arms up high over his head, he smacked his drumsticks together hard, "One! Two! One, two, three, four!"

Without hesitating he banged hard on his drums, showing off like crazy. He'd been playing since he could sit up. This was the one thing he was actually good at. The one thing no one could bash him on. A loser? A punk? Just another wimpy kid? All the names he'd been called were eviscerated when he played. Nobody could touch him. No one could stop him!

"Rodrick! What did I say about playing full volume when Grandpa's over!?" Mom shouted, practically kicking in the doorway.

Okay. One person could stop him.

"Sorry, mom," Rodrick said, stopping immediately.

Susan huffed, turning to her guest, "Regina, would you like a snack? We've got Christmas cookies in the oven. We also have chips? There are sodas in this fridge, please, help yourself."

"Thank you Mrs. Heffley. But I'm alright. And sorry about the noise. I'm the one who asked Rodrick to play so loudly."

"You don't need to cover for him," Susan smiled, "I'm going to leave the door open. Holler if you need anything."

"Thank you, Mrs. Heffley."

As soon as Susan was a safe distance away, Regina was cackling. Rodrick slumped over, setting his drumsticks down.

"Sorry, mom," Regina imitated him, doubling over.

"Oh please," Rodrick moved over to sit with her on the couch, "Like you're not scared of your mom."

"No. If anything, my mom's terrified of me."

"I don't doubt that at all."

She shoved him and he elbowed her back. They sat together, still a little giggly. With the door open they could hear the sounds of Christmas happening throughout the house and they could smell a hot meal cooking. Rodrick took a chance and scooted a little closer to her. She stayed still, pretending not to notice him.

He moved even closer and as she was turning to face him, he leaned right past her, half getting up. He reached for the CD player and smirked at her.

"Sorry, just turning on some music."

"You're such a dick," she smiled back, "Kissing privileges revoked."

"I didn't know I had kissing privileges," he said, sitting back down closer to her than before.

"Yes. I was thinking of kissing you back when you did my nails."

"All the way back then?"

"You've had all this time and so many chances, but you did nothing with them. How sad for you."

"I guess that mean's we're just friends."

"I wouldn't be caught dead being friends with a guy like you."

Rodrick leaned in a little, "What would you want us to be caught as?"

"Strangers."

"A little late for that."

"I haven't the slightest idea what you mean."

"You're wearing my hoodie."

"Like that means anything."

"We were talking about kissing."

"That means even less."

"Does it?"

Regina didn't say anything. The radio should have filled the silence, but it was like Rodrick couldn't hear the music playing. He was too transfixed by Regina refusing to look at him, how quiet their voices had gotten.

He thought about kissing her. He'd imagined it so many times. He never expected to actually be here or for her to suddenly be so shy. She'd had so many boyfriends. Had they ever seen this side of her? Did they know her secret taste in music and movies? Did they know her? He guessed it didn't matter. This moment wasn't about those other guys. She was trusting him, showing him a part of herself hardly anyone ever got to see. Probably not even her parents.

Regina George was the queen bee of the school who ruled with an iron fist. You either hated her, wanted to be her, or both. It was hard to picture the girl sitting beside him as a tyrant, someone her own mother could be scared of.

He probably should have kissed her, but he was afraid of ruining the moment by sucking. Instead he took her hand in his and raised it to his lips. He kissed her knuckles and pressed her hand to his cheek.

"You think you're some kind of prince charming?" She asked, still trying to keep her defenses up.

"No."

"Are you afraid of kissing me?"

"A little."

"Am I scary?"

"Not like you usually are."

Regina opened her hand and brushed his bangs out of his eyes, holding his cheek, "I've never had a guy turn down kissing me before."

"I'm not turning you down."

"Yes you are."

"Can you give me a little more time?"

"How much time do you need?" She said, looking at his lips, "I've got a line of charmings waiting for me."

Rodrick almost kissed her. He really should have. He knew he'd wanna kill himself later for not. Regina was right there! She was down! And he was a coward!

She leaned forward and whispered into his ear, "Crash my new years party."

"Y-You're still gonna have a party, even though-"

"I'll be waiting for you at midnight."

Regina kissed his cheek close to his ear and Rodrick almost passed out. Then she pulled away, standing up and stretching, returning to normal.

"If I don't see you there, then you're dead to me. And if you tell anyone I invited you, then you're dead to me. Got it?"

"Got it."

"Good. Now she me how to play the drums."

"Yes ma'am."