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Water falls around Buck with increasing force with every second. A memory scratches the back of his mind with every drop. He will feel it if he reaches out, but he doesn’t let himself dwell on it. He shakes his head to get rid of the thought as he continues to survey the train car to find something, anything.
“Not enough time. We need a trauma surgeon. That’s our best shot.” He hears Eddie shouting through the noise of the water. He whips his head around. Heart pounding in his chest.
“Wait a minute. You wanna take her leg?!” He can’t help it come out as an accusation. His voice is harsh, getting absorbed by the water instantly.
“She’s young. She’s healthy. The hospital’s just down the street. We can get her down in a few minutes. That’s her best odds.” Eddie’s voice is steady, and he has that tone he gets when he is 100% focused on his job. His on-duty voice. His jaw set, eyes determined. Buck keeps staring at him while Chimney declares he doesn’t like it.
“Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean it’s not the right call.” Eddie is an emotional person. He feels too much, but unlike Buck, he can pack it up in a tight little ball and stuff it deep inside his chest. He is rational and objective when he is working. No matter the case, he doesn’t let it get to him. Buck can see it in his eyes, though. He knows when Eddie’s holding back, when he is trying to act cool. Right now, all he can sense from his voice is determination. His voice, Buck knows so well, is lower and colder. It’s not the same voice he uses when asking Chris about his day. Not the same voice when he speaks Spanish with Pepa. Not the same voice he uses to tease Buck. Buck wishes he could see Eddie’s eyes. Then he would know what he is feeling.
Chim and Eddie are arguing about what to do. Buck startles a little when Chimney says Bobby’s name. He throws it around so easily. Like they talk about him all the time, even though he only heard Chimney mention his name during the ceremony since the funeral. He has been acting like the name is taboo. He skirts around the conversations about him or being a captain in general. Buck knows he still feels guilty. Of course, he knows it, but he can’t help getting angry at him when he acts like that.
He tries to speak, to say something, to contribute to the decision. He wants to take the burden of it from Eddie to shoulder it with him. He wants to let Chim know it is okay, let him know that he doesn’t need to be involved with it. But nothing comes out. He just stares at them while a weight settles on his chest.
“Ravi, get back to the ER, grab a surgeon, tell them that we need to do a field amputation.” Chim’s voice is confident when he gives the order. It is decided then. It is to be done. Buck cannot move, he cannot stop staring at Eddie’s back. His heart beats faster. There is tingling in his leg. It’s not real, he tells himself. It is not real.
He tries to take a step. To get to Eddie, to help. To do anything. But he just stares, blinking out the water in his eyes. His heart beats faster, his breathing gets harder. He doesn’t freeze on the job. He doesn’t stumble. He doesn’t crumble. He imagines he is Eddie, with a heart of stone. No, that is not right. He knows that it is absolutely not right. He imagines he is Eddie, picks up his heart, and puts it in a vault. Picks at this brain and pushes all the emotions to a corner, putting a blanket over them, hiding them.
“Buckley, what are you doing? Get here. I need to talk to the husband. I will be back.” Buck snaps out when Chim’s voice reaches him, and when he tries to take a step, he is moving. He ignores the pain in his left leg when he steps on it. It is not real. It’s been months since it last hurt. It is not real.
Eddie turns to look at him when he enters his field of vision. His jaw is still clenched, and he narrows his eyes like he does when he is trying to understand Buck. They lock eyes for a moment, but it is over quickly. Eddie turns back to Lori. Focused. Buck just stands there, not knowing what to do, feeling useless. Last time it felt like this was at the lab. He failed to open the door. He failed to lift the rubble. He lost Bobby. Lori will lose he leg. He needs to do something. His leg throbs again. Reminding him it is there. It is not real. He remembers the ghost of a touch in his hands, the pressure of the hold. His legs move on their own. He climbs through the space left of Lori, taking her hand in his.
Eddie lifts his head and looks up at their hands. Recognition passes his face. Buck can see his eyes now that he is closer. Eddie looks up, and once again, they lock eyes. Familiar browns soothe him. He feels the pain in his leg ease. He can see Eddie’s jaw tremble ever so slightly. He has seen him cry so many times, and he knows how rare and precious that is. Buck raises his other hand to reach out to him, unwittingly.
“That was one of the hardest conversations I have ever had.”
Chim’s voice breaks them out of the trance. Eddie shakes his head, breaking the gaze. He locks his jaw again, ducks his head to focus on Lori. Chimney gets into the car and puts a hand on Eddie’s shoulder. Buck watches as Eddie nods to himself before getting up to give his place to him. Ravi arrives just a few minutes later. The reality of what is about to happen is heavy in the air. Buck needs to do something, anything. He watches as Chim hesitates.
“Hey, cap..” What can he say? Apparently nothing. Nothing comes out. What can you say in this situation? What can you say to convince someone to cut off a leg?
Eddie reaches out to Chimney. “Hey, I can still do it.” His voice sounds so unfamiliar to Buck. His face is so different than the one Buck sees in his dreams. All sharp corners and hard planes. Buck wants to scream, “What are you doing? Why are you jumping all the time?” But once again, nothing comes out.
Buck ducks his head down when Chimneys lowers the saw. He doesn’t want to watch it. Looking at her hand, he is holding, focusing on the feeling of the pressure of it. Falling water tries to pull him in, tries to remind him. A memory of despair and loss washes over him. The pressure on his knees reminds him of the muddy ground. Hands digging, trying to reach, but failing. Failure. He failed to dig him out. He failed to get to the lab. He failed to save her leg.
“Alright, go!” He snaps out of it with Chimney’s voice, getting into action. He finally has something to do. He can finally help.
After she is safely in the hospital, they go to a rubble rescue without catching their breath. After that, they help with a car fire. Emergency after emergency, they work for hours. They don’t stop, they don’t rest. They keep going even though their bones are aching and their eyes are hurting. Because Hen and Athena are out there, and if they are out there, they need to be out here.
This is good. Buck can do this. He can run from one rescue to another, not allowing himself to think, to feel. He doesn’t feel the ache in his leg when he is focusing on pulling a rope or carrying a child.
Day turns to night and night turns to early morning light. It is 5 am when they get the news from Maddie. Hen and Athena are safe and, most importantly, are on Earth. Chimney smiles, patting Buck on the back. But Buck cannot feel like smiling. Logically, he knows they are safe, but his heart still feels despair. He still cannot feel relieved. It reminds him of standing outside with wet clothes and glasses around his neck, seeing Chris and Eddie hug. It is over. They are safe. Why can’t he feel it?
He heads straight to the lockers when they arrive at the station, barely noticing the crowd of people in there. He is aware of the familiar footsteps behind him. He doesn’t stop, he doesn’t turn back. When they are in the locker room with the door closed behind them, voices outside are only hums.
He feels his hand on his shoulder. “Buck..”
His voice is back to being the soft patter on the windowsill instead of thundering rain. It warms Buck up instantly. He shivers, his eyes welling up, betraying him.
“I can’t know Eddie. Please let's go home.” He doesn’t turn around. He can’t. He feels Eddie hesitate, his hand lingering for a moment before he moves away. They pack up in silence. They walk to the car in silence. They drive back home in silence.
Eddie unlocks the front door, and Buck gets in, goes to the bathroom without a word. Usually, they argue over who gets in the shower first, and whoever loses starts preparing food or coffee, or snacks while the other showers. It has become a routine since Eddie got back.
Buck showers quickly, going through the motions automatically. He doesn’t let himself think. He starts singing in his head to stop thoughts from forming. He gets out of the bathroom and goes straight to his bedroom. He hears the bathroom door close after a moment.
When they have a tough shift, they spend it together when it is over. The habit started after their first shift together, when they handled a live bomb. It was an unspoken understanding that they should not be alone after forcing themselves physically or mentally. It is always Buck and Eddie together on the couch, sometimes Chris. But today Buck goes to bed, trying not to imagine Eddie sitting on the couch alone.
He thinks he won’t be able to sleep, but the moment his head touches the pillow, sleep takes over him. It starts with a sunny day. Buck is swimming. He looks over and sees Chris swimming beside him. He doesn’t have his glasses, but he looks happy. He is laughing uncontrollably. Suddenly, he starts to choke. Buck swims towards him. He needs help, but he is not moving. He cannot get closer. At once, water pulls him under. He is falling and falling and falling. It is wet all around. He is digging in the water. He is covered in mud, but he is surrounded by water. He is screaming. He is screaming for Eddie, but he is mute. No sound comes out. Of course not, he is in water. But Eddie hears him. Water is gone in an instant, and Eddie is crawling out of the ground. Buck’s heart fills with warmth. He is safe. Buck tries to get up to hug Eddie once he is out of the ground, but he cannot move. He cannot move his arms or legs, or torso. Eddie’s face is stoic. His jaw is set. An axe appears in his hand, and he is moving towards Buck.
“No, Eddie, wait, what are you doing?” He can talk again. His voice comes out whiny and childish.
“I’m sorry, Buck, but this is the only way.” Eddie’s voice is lower than he has ever heard him sound. His eyes are hard. Buck feels cold.
“No, Eddie, please no.” He is screaming, but Eddie continues to move towards him.
“Eddie, stop Eddie, please.” His leg is heavy. It is throbbing. But he cannot move. He cannot.
“Buck Buck, wake up. Please, Buck.” For a moment, all the sees is darkness. Then he feels Eddie’s hands, one on his shoulder, one on his face. And his hands are warm. He doesn’t feel cold anymore. They stay like that for a while while Buck’s breathing regulates and his eyes get used to the darkness. Once they do, he can see Eddie. His eyes are soft, an inviting brown. He is stroking Buck’s cheeks absentmindedly while his hand on his shoulder is slightly squeezing. Suddenly, the memories of the day and the nightmare come to Buck, and he moves away from Eddie. He gets to a seating position and moves to the other side of the bed. Eddie’s hands fall to his lap, his shoulders sag. He looks so hurt that Buck feels a sharp pain in his chest.
“Would you do it to me?” Buck cannot help the words coming out of his mouth.
“What?” Eddie frowns in confusion.
“Would you do it to me? Did you want to do that to me? When I was under the truck?” Buck watches as first understanding, then sadness, then anger take over Eddie’s face.
“That is not fair, Buck, and you know it.” Buck knows it. But he continues attacking.
“Would you be so eager to do it then, too? I bet you were itching to get to the saw back then also.” Buck doesn’t recognize his own voice. Why is he doing this? Eddie flinches and gets up from the bed.
“You know what fuck you, Buck. Watching you hurt and not being able to do anything was one of the hardest things I have ever done. So yes, I wanted to be the one to actually do something today instead of being a useless piece of shit.” Eddie’s voice gets higher, and tears fill his eyes. He clenches his jaw and wipes his tears.
“Oh, now I am useless?” Buck knows he doesn’t mean that, but he wants to fight. He wants to bite.
“Oh, come on. Don’t twist my words. I know today was hard for you, Buck. I know watching that was hard for you. But have you stopped to think maybe it was hard for me, too? I watched you die, Buck. I watched you die and held your lifeless body in my hands, and today—“ Eddie chokes on his words, tears roll down his face, and he turns around.
Buck feels the fight drain out of him. He doesn’t want to do this.
“Eddie, I’m sorry.” His voice comes out as a whisper. He tries again.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t—I don’t want to—“ He gets up and approaches Eddie slowly. He can see his shoulders shaking, can hear his silent sobs.
He places a hand on his shoulder. Eddie wipes his eyes and turns around slowly. Takes a deep breath.
“Buck, I love you.” His lip quivers, but his voice is steady.
“I’m sorry, I love you too, Eddie.” Buck nods his head. Warmth fills him up again.
“No Buck.” He raises his hands and holds Buck's face in them, his hands encompassing Buck’s cheeks and jaw. “I am in love with you.”
Buck cannot process the words. Love. In love. It is not possible. Eddie is straight. Buck is unlovable. But when he looks into Eddie’s eyes, he can see it. He can see the love, and then he can feel the love from Eddie’s fingertips on his face. Buck slowly closes the gap between them, and his lips find Eddie’s. His hands grip Eddie’s waist, and he squeezes. It is a slow kiss. He can taste Eddie’s aftershave mixed with his tears. Eddie’s hands tangle in his hair. Buck pulls back slowly.
“I love—I am in love with you too. I think I have been for a long time.” Eddie smiles, stroking Buck’s face. They lean and touch their foreheads, breathing in silence for a moment. Eddie is the one pulling away first. He grabs Buck’s hand and pulls him to the bed. They lie facing each other. Legs tangling. Hands in each other's hair, face, waist. Buck wants to just watch Eddie. He thinks he can be content lying here like this for an eternity. But his eyes start to close, feeling the exhaustion from everything.
“I would not do it to you. Could not. Buck I—“ Buck fights to open his eyes. Trying to absorb Eddie’s words.
“I know. Eddie, I know.” Buck murmurs, using the last bit of his energy. Eddie sighs and snuggles closer to Buck. He is here, and that’s all that matters.