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It’d been nearly four months since Tim had found Jason. Four long, agonizing months of uneasiness and guilt. Dick had tried to call Jason several times in that first month but his old phone number didn’t work and Tim was refusing to give him Jason’s current one.
“If he wants to talk to you then he will,” Tim had stated. “I’m sure he still has your number. You chased him away. Now you have to wait for him to come back.”
“If he comes back,” Damian had muttered, to which Dick had given a glare. “Tt. Don’t look at me like that, Grayson. This is your own fault. You’ve even admitted as much.”
The youngest Wayne was right. It was Dick’s fault. More so then Damian even knew, for Dick had omitted a key piece of information when retailing the events leading up to Jason’s disappearance to the family. He’d neglected to tell them that he had, in fact, been a bit more physical with Rose that night then he had let on.
He’d tried to justify what he’d done with Rose that night by reasoning that they hadn’t actually had sex, and he and Jason weren’t actually in a relationship, so what he’d done wasn’t actually cheating. Yet, there was a little voice gnawing at the back of his mind, accusing him of betraying Jason. And the more time passed the more he started to believe that voice.
He’d replayed the events that’d led up to his current predicament over and over again in his head. Everything from the night Jason had talked him out of running away to the circus, to them sort of dating, to Rose showing up asking for help and him getting a little too friendly with her, to the pained look that’d overtaken Jason’s face when he’d walked in on them, to Jason shooting him…all the way to Tim discovering Jason’s current whereabouts.
Four months was a long time to be waiting for a call, he supposed, but he knew Jason would only run if he went after him. Not that he could go after him. Tim had made sure to triple encrypt or erase every piece of data that could lead the oldest Robin to the second one. It was frustrating.
The whole concept of wanting to make things right so bad but not being able to was frustrating...
…The fact that he didn’t know if he’d ever see Jason again and that he had no one but himself to blame for that was frustrating….
…The whole thing, in its entirety, was frustrating…
…And it was all his fault.
Dick groaned as he threw himself backwards onto his bed at the manor. The palms of his hands worked at his eyes as his phone lay blank at his side. He’d been staying at the manor for roughly eight months, since Jason had shot him. Minus a few weeks here and there that he’d returned to his apartment.
He was starting to seriously question why he even paid rent anymore and was debating on letting his apartment go. Bruce had him working on new cases left and right, he had to resign from his position at the GCPD because his bullet wound hadn’t been healing right and Commissioner Gordon had thought a sabbatical would be a good idea for him, and to make things worse he’d stopped sleeping about two weeks ago.
Dick hadn’t been sleeping well since Jason had caught Rose in his apartment, but within the last two weeks he’s only managed to catch a couple hours of sleep here and there. Honestly, he was surprised he was functioning as well as he was. He knew he needed to sleep, and he knew that if he didn’t he’d become a risk on patrol, but he couldn’t with the guilt eating away at him. He needed to talk to Jason. That was the only way anything would get better. But that wasn’t going to happen because Tim was being a stubborn ass and refusing to give Dick any sort of information on Jason.
“I’ve called him,” Tim had practically growled one night after Dick had spent the better part of an hour trying to get Jason’s number or address from the younger man. “He doesn’t want to talk to you.”
“Please, Timmy. I have to talk to him. I have to explain what happened…”
“You mean explain why you told him that something happened?” Tim had stopped abruptly in his walk down the hall and it’d caused Dick to run into him. The older bird hadn’t even recovered from hitting the younger’s back before Tim was turned around and pointing an accusing finger at his older brother. “He told me what you said to him that night, Dick. He had tried to wait for an explanation. Didn’t he? He’d asked what was going on and you’d told him that ‘it was obvious’. You told Jason, with Rose standing by you in nothing but one of your shirts, that it was obvious what was going on, and yet you told us that nothing happened.”
“I…I…”
“You’re lying to one of us. Either something happened or it didn’t. It can’t be both.”
Dick had hesitated in his reply and Tim had turned to continue down the hall before he did manage to say anything.
“Baby bird,” Dick had all but whispered, his voice hoarse and his throat tight from hearing Tim speak the truth, “Does Bruce…”
“Know that you lied? No. I haven’t told him. Or Damian. Or Alfred, for that matter. I promised Jason that I wouldn’t. But I’m no longer on your side. I’m done helping you get him back. I thought this could have all been a misunderstanding, but now I see that Jason was right all along. You really did cheat on him with Rose.”
“We weren’t dating!”
And that was probably the worst thing Dick could have yelled at that possible moment because Tim just shook his head sadly at him and said, “Yes, you were.”
Dick glance over at his phone, he wanted so desperately for it to ring and for Jason to be on the other end of the line. He picked up the phone and stared at its blank screen, willing it to light up with Jason’s name.
In two weeks it’d be Christmas. That meant that in two weeks Alfred would be making the most mouthwatering family feast ever and that, because of him, there would once again be an empty plate at the dinner table that night.
Dick had considered it a victory the year before when he’d managed to talk Jason into coming home for Christmas. The Red Hood had still be on pretty bad terms with Bruce at the time but things had been getting better so Dick had decided to take a risk and see if he could get Jason to come back to the manor for Christmas diner. With Alfred’s help, he’d succeeded and Jason and Bruce acted civil to each other the whole night. He’d hoped, at the time, that it was a sign that the following years to come would be good ones. Now he was thinking he, himself, was a bad omen. After all, how many relationships had he had that actually turned out fine?
Zero. The answer was zero.
When he was thirteen he’d dated Zatanna for a brief time but that had merely been a teen romance and wasn’t destined to grow into anything more. Then there was Liu, who he’d really liked and had been the first person he’d ever slept with. At seventeen, he’d thought she was destined to be the love of his life, but again fate had other plans. Which he found out when she’d revealed that she’d only been with him so she could gain access to WayneTech.
He’d had a very, very short relationship with Wally West, but that’d been before Artemis and even Zatanna. It’d been an experimental thing that’d ended within a couple weeks, as soon as Artemis joined the team. Wally hadn’t seemed to like Artemis at first but it quickly became apparent to Dick that there was chemistry between the two, so he’d backed off to let his friend have a chance with the girl he’d one day marry.
After Liu, there’d been more than a few lovers, but none of them really mattered again until Barbara Gordon. Dick had been so sure that they’d actually work out. He’d even proposed. She’d accepted and then six months before they were supposed to get married she ended things.
“It’s not you, Dick, it’s me. I just don’t think this is the right move for us.”
Then there was Kory. Koriand’r. Starfire. She’d been his longest lasting relationship by far. They’d been on again, off again, but they’d never stopped caring for the other. She was the second person he asked to marry him and the second one to say yes and then claim mission abort only a few months before the wedding. She was the reason he never wanted to get engaged again.
“It’s not you, Dick, it’s me. You’re a great guy, but I can’t marry you.”
Of course he and Rose also had an on again, off again relationship, which was now officially –once and for all –off. He was really regretting the last time it was on, though.
“It’s not you, Dick, it’s me. I just couldn’t live with myself if I came between you and him.”
It’s not you, Dick, it’s me….maybe it was him. Maybe it’d never been them. Ever. Maybe it’d always been him. He’s pretty damn sure that Jason thinks it’s him.
A strong, sturdy knock at his bedroom door had Dick stuffing his phone into the pocket of the blue sweat pants he was wearing. With bare feet, he padded across the plush carpet of his room and opened the door to find the grey-haired butler standing there with perfect posture and a tray of milk and cookies in his hands.
“Master Dick, I thought you might be hungry,” Alfred spoke in his proper, British accent.
Dick tried his best to muster up a smile, but he failed as it turned into more of a grimace. “Thanks, Al, but I’m not that hungry.”
A grey eyebrow was raised. “As you were not that hungry at dinner, or lunch, or breakfast, or dinner the night before. Master, Richard, skipping meals in an unhealthy habit to form. Coupled with insomnia, it is a matter to be concerned over.”
“I’m fine,” Dick argued.
“I beg to differ,” Alfred stood in the door way a moment longer, tray held out for Dick, before giving an exasperated sigh. “Very well, Master Dick. If you do not wish to eat, at least get out of your room. I have not seen you anywhere in the manor outside of your room and the cave in a month. Your brothers are having a movie night in the screening room. You should join them.”
“With Tim and Damian picking? They’ll spend the next two hours arguing over what movie to watch until one of them either retreats or storms off to stop themselves from committing homicide. No movie will actually be watched, Al,” Dick grinned.
“I believe they’ve agreed upon a movie tonight.”
“Really?”
“Yes. One of yours and Master Jason’s favorites. The Taken trilogy,” Alfred informed.
The grin that Dick had forced himself to wear slid off his face. Taken had been one of Jason’s favorite movies. Jason was convinced that if he ever became a dad and his kid was kidnapped that he’d be just like Liam Neeson. He’d been the one to introduce the Batfamily to the movies.
Dick felt his stomach twist.
“I think I’ll pass, but thanks for the invite,” he didn’t wait to see if Alfred would respond and he only felt a tad bit guilty of shutting the door in the older man’s face. Okay, he felt really guilty, but he wasn’t going to admit it aloud. He already had too much guilt on his plate. Worrying about whether or not he hurt Alfred’s feelings was not something he needed. Yet, he couldn’t stop it.
He growled at himself. His hands clenched at is sides. With a sound somewhere between a scream and a groan he punched the wall, next to the door. The drywall cracked and gave way beneath his fist, opening up clear to the other side of the wall. Dick removed his hand, white dust falling off it as he slowly uncurled his knuckles. A semi bald head and a familiar mustached face peered through the new hole, at Dick.
“Master Dick. When I requested that you leave your room, I did mean your entire body leave it, not just your fist.”
Dick rubbed at the back of his neck. Maybe Alfred was right and he needed to get out of the room for a bit. Out of the manor sounded even better.
“Sorry, Al,” He swiped his keys and wallet from the jacket hanging by his door. “I’ll fix it when I get back.”
“You’re going out?”
“Yeah, I think you’re right. I need some fresh air.”
With shoes slipped on and an old Gotham Academy hoodie pulled over his head, he slipped out of his room, throwing Alfred one of his signature grins over his shoulder. “Don’t wait up.”
Alfred watched him walk away with a raised eyebrow.
When Dick reached the garage he was intent on finding his blue Maserati and driving to Bludhaven to spend the night away from Gotham. Instead, when he reached his car he found Bruce, leaning against it with his cell phone pressed to his ear.
“He’s here. Thank you, Alfred.”
“Oh, come on,” Dick shifted his weight, fighting the urge to turn around and go back to his room. “Holy intervention, Batman. First Alfred, now you?”
Bruce didn’t respond. He merely slipped his phone into his jacket pocket and remained firmly planted against the driver’s door of Dick’s car.
“What do you want? I left my room! You want me to eat a cookie? Is that what you want?”
Still Bruce didn’t say anything.
“Right, right, I know I’m off my game. Dick, you could have been killed last night. You weren’t paying attention. You need to be more aware of your surroundings. Sleep deprivation dulls the senses. Robin had to save your ass,” Dick mocked the lecture he was sure Bruce had been waiting to give him.
“Language,” was Bruce’s short response, which Dick ignored as he continued.
“I’m sorry, okay? I know I haven’t been on my A game. I know Damian and Tim had to save my ass several times this last week. I’m looking into sleeping pills and I’ll have a cookie or two when I get back. Okay?”
“Alfred wants me to talk you into therapy,” Bruce stated.
“Funny, he’s asked me to do the same thing to you before.”
“He’s worried about you,” Bruce paused. He cleared his throat and straightened up. His tense posture and straight face made Dick recall a moment from months ago when Jason had said that Bruce didn’t do the whole sappy sentimental thing. It was a bat thing. None of them were really all that good with emotions. They either didn’t know how to show them or didn’t know how to control them.
“We’re all worried about you,” Bruce finished. “You’re behavior has been unusual. Is this still about Jason?”
“Yes…” now it was Dick’s turn to pause. “No. It’s about him, but it’s about me too.”
“Explain?”
Dick shook his head. “Don’t you have better things to do than try to have a heart-to-heart with me? We both know this kind of thing makes you uncomfortable. If it helps, you aren’t my real dad so you’re not obligated to endure these kind of things.”
Dick’s words drew a frown from the older, broader man. “You think this is about obligation? Richard, you are my son. I am not good at having heart-to-heart moments, but that does not mean that I don’t want them. I care about you as much as I care about your brothers and Alfred. If they were acting like you have been I’d do the same thing to them. I am not doing this because I feel obligated, but because I want to know what is wrong with my child.”
Dick rolled his eyes.
“I asked your brothers if they knew what was wrong. Damian thinks you’re pouting. Tim, on the other hand, seems to think there is more to the story then you told us. Is this true?”
“I thought he promised Jason he wouldn’t tell you,” Dick spoke through clenched teeth.
Both of Bruce’s brows shot into his hairline and a small, amused smile tugged at the corner of his lips. It was so small that no one but a Robin or Alfred would have noticed it.
“He didn’t tell me anything, just that he thought there might be more going on. Your reaction tells me that there is.”
Dick shifted his weight again and shrugged. He kept his gaze down. This was not something he wanted to admit aloud. He had a hard enough time admitting it to himself.
“Richard?” Bruce prompted.
Dick mumbled.
“Open your mouth when you talk.”
“Am stricat în jurul cu Rose Wilson,” Dick spoke in Romanian.
“In English,” Bruce growled in what was almost his Batman voice.
Dick hesitated. Took a deep breath. Then, “I messed around with Rose Wilson.”
“I see,” Bruce stated. “And you felt the need to lie to your family about this why?”
“I hurt Jason. I knew that after just getting him back you’d be mad at me for chasing him away.”
“I’m not mad at you, chum. I am disappointed that you didn’t tell me the truth the first time.”
“I’m sorry. I was just so ashamed. I…Bruce, I didn’t mean for it to happen. And I know that’s not an excuse! When she came over, soaked from the rain and frantic, I really was just going to help her out as a friend. I gave her one of my shirts to wear and she went to take a shower. She was getting dressed in my room and I thought she was still in the bathroom. I walked in on her,” Dick worried his bottom lip with his teeth. “When I saw her…I was an idiot. I made a mistake and it cost me Jason.”
“Did you sleep with her?”
“No. We made out, felt each other up, but Jason showed up before we went any farther,” Blue eyes once again found the floor of the garage as a pang of guilt tore through his heart. “We would have though, if he hadn’t shown up. I was literally between her legs when I heard him arrive. I’ve tried to tell myself that it doesn’t count as cheating because Jason and I never made our relationship official. We’d never sat down and had that talk about whether the relationship was really a relationship or not. We just sort of…dated without defining it.”
“But you feel guilty about being with her.”
Dick nodded. “We were dating, Bruce. Whether we said so or not. We were acting like a couple. What I did…Bruce, I cheated on him.”
Bruce gave a curt nod. “You did, but it’s in the past. You can’t change the past, but you can decide what happens next.”
The Wayne patriarch reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small, folded piece of paper. Handing it to Dick, he said, “Call him,” before going to leave the garage.
Dick stared down at the paper in his hand for a moment before opening it. There, written in smudged black ink, was a phone number with Jason’s name scrawled above it.