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It was cold in Star City. Not nearly as cold as it’d be in Gotham, though. Gotham had harsh winters. There was never just a skiff of snow on the ground in Gotham. There was always at least five inches worth of the disgustingly wet flakes. They’d get everywhere. They’d stick to everything. Normally it was impossible for a Gotham resident to step foot outside in winter without getting snow all over them.
Snow was something Jason didn’t miss. He could do without having to wear an overly heavy coat to fend off Jack Frost’s breath. Yet, the cold without the snow felt off.
There was snow in the forecast, of course. Star City was due for a few inches. Not much by Gotham standards. Yet, the forecast did nothing to help Jason’s mood.
He’d spent all day working at the mechanic shop on a minivan that wasn’t worth the scrap metal it was made of. He tried his hardest but he’d been unable to fix the death trap and had to recommend to the single mother of five that owned it, that she needed to invest in a new car. He’d been able to tell right away that his words weren’t the ones she’d wanted to hear. She’d been crestfallen. Her mascara was smudged and underneath the trench coat she wore he knew there was nothing but a skimpy set of clothes. For, he’d seen her at the bar he frequented. She was one of the dancers there. One of the strippers he’d drunkenly slipped a dollar bill into the panties of one night. She wasn’t much older than him and had five young kids. He felt bad. Really bad.
As the mother had left the shop with a forced brave face, Jason had already known what he’d be doing as soon as he got off work that night. He punched his time card, drove down to the nearest good car dealership, pulled out his rarely used debt card for his Wayne bank account, and bought the woman a car. He’d parked it outside her work and left a note for her saying that was from a secret Santa.
He just couldn’t leave her carless. Not with knowing about her kids and seeing the frustrated, determined look in her oldest son’s eyes when he heard Jason say they needed a new car. He knew that look –he’d worn that look –and if he hadn’t bought the woman a car he was sure as hell that one would have been stolen from the used car lot in the near future.
As he closed and locked his apartment door he hoped that he’d just helped steer that kid away from a life of theft. He wouldn’t have even blamed the kid if he had ended up stealing the car. He knew how rough the streets were and what it was like to want to take care of a mother in a bad situation.
“I should have got the kid’s name,” he muttered to himself as he opened his fridge to grab a beer. There was only one brown bottle left on the shelf. He’d have to make a trip to the grocer in the morning…or to a liquor store later that night, if he wasn’t able to pass out with how tiered he was after only one drink.
He flopped down on his couch and lolled his head to the side. The sky outside his living room window was as grey as steel wool. The clouds were particularly low that day. Heavy with snow, no doubt, and there’d been no sign of the sun since two days before. He could hear the wind whistling through the crack in the window pane and contemplated fixing it with duct tape. It didn’t mater how much he contemplated it, however, he still didn’t move.
The couch was warm and the sound of the wind was so familiar that if he closed his eyes he could forget for a few moments that he was in Star City at all. He could almost imagine that he was back home in his dingy little apartment with Roy in Gotham City. They’d be having a couple beers, maybe be playing poker, while the news played soundless on the television. There’d probably be a few empty pizza or take out boxes nearby.
Or maybe he’d be at the manor. It was unlikely, but he had spent last Christmas there so maybe Alfred would have convinced him to come back that year too. It would make for an awkward situation, though, as he was sure that Dick would be attending the annual Batfamily holiday get together. Dick loved Christmas and the family too much to skip out on such an event. Jason, however, could live without it. Or he thought he could. He’d lived without it for all the years between his resurrection and Dick pulling him back into the Batfamily. Which made him wonder why it was so hard for him now.
He’d never missed spending the holiday with the Wayne’s before. He’d missed Alfred’s cooking, sure, but never the events. The Wayne Christmas Ball was always a bore. A bunch of socialites sipping on champagne and parading around the manor in jewels and fancy attire. There were a lot of fake smiles that night and even more fake laughs.
And decorating the manor? God, that took forever! It wasn’t even an all-day event. It was an all week event. Alfred would have everyone help him pull the boxes of decorations from the attic. Bruce would give his sons instructions to pick out a Christmas tree. Dick, Tim, and Damian would come home with the largest, greenest tree they could fine and then proceed to argue as they tried to wrestle the tree into its stand and then set it up. Of course, the tree would be so tall that it’d hit the chandelier and Alfred would scold the boys on what would happen to them if that year happened to be the year they broke said chandelier.
Then would come the tinsel, the lights, the bulbs, the ornaments, the candy canes, the tree skirt, the train and track that’d they’d later build a tunnel of presents for, and the endless attempts to strangle each other with garland. Oh, yeah, Jason would be just fine without all of that.
He’d be fine without the freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and hot chocolate that would come later too. He’d also be fine without hearing Alfred whistle his favorite Christmas tunes as he baked all sorts of goodies in the kitchen…Jingle bells as he made sugar cookies, Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick as he made icing, Rudolf as he prepared the candies for the gingerbread house, and Frosty the snowman was where he’d manage to pick up a couple Robins to sing with him.
No, Jason was not missing the manor. He was not missing Gotham. It was just the goddamn weather.
Jason almost growled at himself. He shouldn’t have come back to his apartment that night. He should have stayed at the bar after leaving the car there. One of the strippers would have cheered him up and a couple of beers would have helped him loosen up. Instead he was parked on his couch, staring at the pile of unwrapped presents in the corner of his living room. If you could call two presents a pile.
He’d found an old cookbook in the window of an antique shop on his way to work one day and he’d thought of Alfred. He’d had to go back to the store when he was on break to buy it for there was no one in the world who’d appreciate the treasure more than Alfred would.
Then Jason thought that if he was going to send Alfred a Christmas gift he should probably send Tim one too. After all, in the past months Tim had been a loyal friend. He kind of liked talking to the little bird every other day or so, and knowing that Tim wouldn’t do anything to compromise his whereabouts. So, he made a stop at a tech store and used his Wayne account debt card to purchase the latest tablet for baby bird. He had no doubt that Tim would make many modifications to the tablet that would turn it into his own personal universal remote control for the world, but he felt confident that the gift would be appreciated.
Staring at the two presents now, he knew that he needed to get them mailed soon. Christmas was only two weeks away, after all. But should he send them to the manor or to Tim’s pent house? Probably the manor. That’s where Tim would be for the next few weeks anyway.
Tim was helping host the Christmas Ball that year, as the face of Wayne Enterprises, alongside Bruce. Plus he’d be sticking around for the family’s personal party. The last time they talked, Tim had even mentioned hosting a charity ball for New Years.
“I know it’s really soon after the Christmas Ball,” Tim had stated, “But the New Year’s Ball will be all about personal donations instead of checks. You know? Bruce and I are encouraging the guests to donate their old fur coats and such for the poor. I’ll be going out the week after to distribute the donations.”
“At the homeless shelters?” Jason had asked.
“No. I’m going to walk the alleys. Hit up the burn barrels and the makeshift shelters.”
“Good idea.”
Yeah, he should probably just send the gifts to the manor. Maybe he should get one for the demon spawn too…and for Bruce. He was sure that Bruce had already tracked him down and was just being polite enough to stay away. After all, he’d used his Wayne account card a lot recently and he happened to know that Bruce still kept accurate records on all of the Robins' accounts attached to the Wayne Empire.
“Hmmm,” Jason hummed to himself as he turned his beer bottle over in his hand. It was empty now. He should head to bed. Especially since his shift would start at six the next morning, with all the repairs the shop would be needing to get done before Christmas.
Jason tossed his empty bottle into the trash on his way to his bedroom. He stripped off his shirt and boots, leaving them in a pile by his bedroom door, and was debating on taking a shower when his phone rang. He let the phone go to voicemail, knowing that it was probably just Tim calling to check up on him, and grabbed a towel to shower with.
He tried not to think as he let the warm water from his shower run down his scar littered back. He soaped up his hair with half closed eyes and used one hand to support himself against the shower wall. A yawn escaped him as he was rinsing his hair and he got a mouth full of soapy water. Sputtering, he’d decided that enough was enough. He really did have to get to bed. Even if he knew that he’d be smelling Alfred’s cooking in his dreams that night.
“Fucking weather,” he cursed as he slipped on a pair of boxers and crawled into bed.
He plugged his phone in to charge on his nightstand and saw on the screen that he had a new voicemail. Had it been from Tim he would have left it until morning but it was from a number he didn’t recognize. The area code was a Gotham one, but the last seven digits were unfamiliar to him.
Yawning again, Jason checked the message and he almost choked on air when he heard Dick’s voice come through the line.
“Jason? Hey, uh, it’s Dick. Bruce gave me your number. He said I should call. I…” Dick gave a ragged sign. “I really need to talk to you Jaybird. When you get this, could you call me?”
Jason didn’t call back that night. In fact, he didn’t sleep that night. Despite how tiered he was he couldn’t stop glaring at his phone.
How dare Dick call him. How dare he think he had the right to have a conversation with Jason. After what he did –after screwing Jason over –he was lucky that the worst Jason did was leave. He was lucky that the bullet Jason had placed in his shoulder hadn’t been a little lower and to the right.
Sill, Dick had sounded tiered. He’d been breathy, like it was hard for him to breath. Was he hurt? Had he been calling while Alfred stitched him up? Had he been stabbed on patrol? Shot at? Had he miss calculated a jump and landed wrong? That last one was unlikely but Jason’s mind was coming up with every possible situation imaginable for the ragged sigh Dick had given and the strained voice he’d spoken with.
Jason worked his shift at the shop on auto pilot. His mind was too occupied by Dick’s message to fully concentrate on his work. Luckily, he’d fixed enough vehicles in his time to know what he was doing without having to pay too much attention.
After work he decided he needed to forget the message. Dick wasn’t in his life anymore. Dick had probably already moved on and was living with Rose Wilson. Who knew, maybe the two were engaged. Dick did seem to get engaged a lot.
Jason swung into the antique store on his way home from work and the pile of two presents became a pile of three. Damian was sure to like the Katana Jason had found for him. Shipping it might be a pain though.
Dick called again that night. This time Jason purposely missed it and refused to listen to the message until the next morning, after he’d gotten sleep.
“Jay? Little Wing? It’s Dick. Please call me back. I understand if you’re still mad at me. Please, just give me a chance to explain. No, that’s not what I meant. Give me a chance to apologize? Yeah, that’s what I meant.”
Jason shut his phone off while he was at work that day and managed to pay attention when installing a new engine into a beat up Volvo. The pile of presents grew again that evening. Now Bruce had a new watch waiting to be sent to him.
Alfred…Tim…Damian…Bruce…he should get something for Roy too.
“Jay? Jason? I really hope this is your phone and I’m not leaving these messages on some random person’s cell. I’m really sorry for what I did and I’d like to talk to you about it.”
Dick continued to leave messages for a week and Jason never responded to them. He picked up a deck of cards, a pack of cigarettes, and a new bow for Roy. He’d been smoking only a pack a day until Dick started calling, but now he was up to two, so he had to buy three packs when he bought Roy’s.
On December 17th, he was half way done with his second pack of smokes for the day when Tim called for the fourth time that week to ask him to come home for Christmas.
“Come on, Jay, we really miss you. Alfred said he’ll even bake you your own tray of Christmas goodies if you come home this year.”
“Thanks for the offer, Timmy, but I think I’m spending this Christmas alone.”
“But we got you presents.”
“Mail ‘em. That’s what I’m doing with yours. “
He really did need to get the gifts in the mail. Alfred…Tim…Damian…Bruce…Roy…he was done shopping, he just needed to send them. If he did express mail they’d arrive at the manor in time for Christmas.
“Jason,” Tim groaned and then the phone must have been swiped out of his hand because the voice that came through next was much deeper and rougher.
“What do we have to do to get you home?” Bruce’s voice assaulted Jason’s ears.
“I’m not coming home,” Jason stated flatly.
“Alfred has your room ready for you. I can wire you a plane ticket or you can purchase one with your card.”
“Bruce,” Jason interrupted, “I can’t make it back this year.”
“Yes, you can. The only thing holding you there is your wish to avoid your broth…” Bruce cut himself off. “Your wish to avoid Dick.”
Jason shrugged, then realized Bruce wouldn’t be able to see the gesture over the phone. “Doesn’t matter why I’m staying here, I still am.”
“Jason Peter…”
“Don’t pull that on me, old man. You want me to come home then you’ll have to make Goldie disappear,” Jason stated with an unamused laugh, knowing that Bruce would never do as he suggested. At least, he thought he wouldn’t, until Dick’s message that night.
“Jason, you can come home now. I’m not at the manor anymore.”
That message set off a chain of events that Jason himself hadn’t been prepared for. He called Tim to accuse Bruce of kicking out his son after knowing that the last few times he done that Dick had disappeared for an extended period of time, but found out that Bruce hadn’t forced Dick away at all. Dick had left on his own accord and was, apparently, refusing all phone calls from the Batfamily and ignoring them on patrol. This lead Jason to giving in and trying to call the older bird himself.
“Hey, you’ve reached Dick Grayson. I can’t come to the phone right now but I’ll give you a ring as soon as I can.”
Jason tried calling him five times. With each attempt he got the same result. No answer. Until the twelfth call.
After having his calls ignored five times, he set out to hear from Dick. Starting at four in the morning, when he knew Dick would be getting home from patrol, he bombarded his phone with calls.
Call six…no answer…
Call seven…no answer…
Call eight….no answer…
Call nine…no answer…
Call ten…no answer…
Call eleven…no answer.
Call twelve…
“What the hell? I’m trying to sleep!” Dick’s voice was groggy and heavy. Jason smirked at the thought of having woke the older bird up. He deserved a sleepless night after all the ones he gave Jason.
“What the hell to you,” Jason stated. “You can deal with a little insomnia to hear what I have to say after the last message you left me.”
“…Jason?”
“The one and only, big bird.”
“Jay…”
Jason fought back a shiver at the sound of his name coming from Dick in such a breathy way. Even after all those months apart Dick still affected him. This is why he’d been avoiding the older bird. He knew he'd fall for him all over again. Just like he had when he’d ran into him after being resurrected. The feelings he’d had for Dick since he was fourteen just kept coming back no matter how hard he tried to bury them.
“My turn to talk, Dickie bird. Why aren’t you at the manor?”
“You told Bruce you’d only come back if I wasn’t there. They want you home for Christmas and I’ve already screwed up enough. I’m not going to keep you from spending Christmas with your family. Alfred and I fought hard last year to get you to come home for Christmas and this year Bruce was looking forward to having you back.”
“So you left, assuming that I’d come back if you weren’t there? What if I don’t come back? You’ve just left Bruce and Alfred alone with Tim and Damian for the holidays. One of those little birds are going to end up dead.”
“Alfred will referee,” Dick stated.
Jason really didn’t like how tiered Dick’s voice sounded. It wasn’t the kind of tiered you got from missing a few nights of sleep. It was the exhaustion the seeped into one’s voice after being completely mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically drained. It was the voice of a broken man; of a man who was ready to give up. It was the same voice that Dick had used when Jason had comforted him all those months ago.
Jason gave a frustrated growl. “You don’t get to do this, Dick! You don’t get to leave so I’d come home. If I go home now that you’ve left, I’m the bad guy, because I’m the guy that caused you to leave.”
“You’re not the bad guy here, Jay. I am. They know that.” There was a pause and then, “They know everything. I told them how I cheated on you. How when Rose came over I…”
“Fucked her like there was no tomorrow?”
“…no…I was going to say…it doesn’t matter what I was going to say. Jason, I screwed up. I screwed up bad.”
“Yeah. I know. I was there.”
“I tried to tell myself that I didn’t cheat on you. I tried to justify my actions by saying that you and I weren’t a couple.”
“We never made it official,” Jason admitted and found himself sinking into his couch cushions. In all honesty, he’d spent the past months going over the events that had led him to Star City and he’d started to question if he’d been too harsh on Dick. Maybe he was at fault for over reacting. Maybe he shouldn’t have gotten so angry at Dick for wanting to be with Rose. After all, like Dick said, they hadn’t actually been dating.
“That doesn’t matter. You were coming over to my place almost every night. We were watching movies while cuddling. We kissed. We drank beers, and laughed, and flirted. We even made out a couple times, remember?”
“I don’t know if you can count that as making out. We didn’t do much more then French.”
“That’s beside the point. We were acting like a couple and we were a couple. I knew you loved me and I knew that I had feelings for you too. I was stupid to throw us away over a pair of long legs.” Dick took a shaky breath. “Jason, the night you caught me with Rose, I’d been waiting for you to show up. I was looking forward to spending the night with you. I wanted to watch moves and cuddle. I was hoping to even maybe take things a little bit further. I’d been making sure I had plenty of beer when Rose showed up. She was drenched from the rain and crying. She said that her father was after her. I only wanted to help.”
“Dick…”
“I gave her some of my clothes and told her to take a shower. I was going to let her stay in the guest room and help her get away from Slade. I went into my room to get my phone, to text you and tell you that she was there, when I walked in on her changing. My shirt was hanging off her shoulders and her long legs were shimmering with water droplets and I….”
“Dick, I don’t need to hear this.”
“No, you do. I should have told you this months ago. You deserve to know what happened.”
“What if I don’t want to know?”
Dick hesitated and Jason heard him let out another shaky breath. He wondered if Dick was tugging at his hair or worrying his bottom lip with his teeth.
“Then I’ll stop,” Dick finally answered. “If that’s what you want.”
Jason did want to know, but he didn’t want to know all the little details. He didn’t want to hear Dick describing how Rose looked or how much he’d longed to touch her soft skin. He didn’t want to know what it’d been like for Dick to tangle his hands in Rose long golden curls. He just wanted to know the basics.
“Go on, but I don’t need the details.”
“Right,” Dick relented. “When I saw Rose I kept thinking about when we use to fool around. I tried to shake it off but she started flirting and then I started flirting and….one thing lead to another…”
“And you fucked her.”
“No. No, Jason. I didn’t. I kissed her, I made out with her, I felt her, but I didn’t go any farther. That doesn’t make what I did right though. Especially since I was about to...You’re going to hate me for this, but when you showed up I was laying between her legs, ready to go all the way with her.”
Jason didn’t say anything. He felt his heart ache. He’d known that something had happened between Dick and Rose for months but actually hearing Dick say it hurt more than he thought it would.
“I know I can’t fix what I did, but I had to say that I’m sorry.”
“Shut up,” Jason found his voice. “No, you can’t fix this, but that doesn’t mean you can run away on Christmas. You need to go back to the manor.”
“But you…”
“I’ll come back if you do,” Jason stated. “We can have a nice holiday. We’ll be civil and pretend that nothing ever happened between us. We’ll smile and entertain the family. Then afterwards I’ll come back here and you’ll stay in Gotham.”
“And I won’t hear from you again for months?”
“Probably,” Jason answered honestly.
Dick was quiet for a few moments. “What if you stayed and I left?”
Jason groaned. “Stop it! You always do this self-sacrificing thing whenever one of us Robins seems to be in trouble. I don’t want you to leave Gotham, Dickie. You have more of a life there then I ever did. You have a job on the police force and you moonlight as Batman. Gotham will notice if Nightwing disappears.”
“I’m not a cop anymore and Bruce has the Robins to help him with the city. Gotham will be fine without me.”
“What do you mean you’re not a cop anymore?” Jason asked, his brow furrowing. He knew Dick loved his job at the station. Why would he ever give it up?
“I’m not a cop anymore. Something happened and I’m taking a required sabbatical. After it’s up I’m turning in my official resignation.”
“What happened?”
“It’s not important. What matters is that I’m going to be looking for work anyway so I might as well leave and start fresh.”
Jason groaned. “We could argue about this all night, but it comes down to this...Are you willing to go back to the manor and play house for the holidays?”
“If it means I get to see you again, yeah,” there was a hint of a smile to Dick’s voice and it caused Jason’s shoulders to relax.
“I’ll see you soon then.”
Jason had ended the call directly after that and after another night of no sleep he had a bag packed and a plane ticket in hand.
Who was he kidding? He was never going to mail those gifts any ways. Might as well hand deliver them.