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She didn’t remember much of what happened after Rerir had been banished, she barely remembered how she had gotten home.
All she could recall were the rush of panicked voices swirling around her. Their voices growing higher and higher in octaves until only a loud ringing scrabbling around her head remained.
She had been placed in a bed at some point though she didn’t remember when, only that there were hands on her face and more on her torso soon followed. There had been many of them, more than a single pair. She knew that her clothes had been removed because a breeze was soon felt flowing across her body. However that small sensation was soon replaced as the feeling of bandages being tightly bound came about.
The feelings stopped after that as she was left to float in whatever limbo they had brought her to.
Who had brought her here again?
She found she couldn’t remember.
-
She woke to a cloth being placed on her face, covering her eyes.
Why did they need to do that again?
Her mouth opened to voice the question but a finger was soon placed over it as a shushing voice was heard from beside her.
“Rest, you need not wake right now.” The vision of antlers flashed through her mind at the words. But her mind was too dazed to even recognize their voice.
“Rest,” the voice repeated. “We’ll be here when you wake.”
She soon gave into the call for sleep. Thankful for the rest.
-
When she wakes a second time there is another rush of voices.
“Hold her still,” a different voice spoke. This time the view of the bright stars above came to mind. “I can’t change the bandages with her shaking like this.”
Without warning she was hoisted upwards and a small whine escaped her. The scent of flowers and herbs invaded her nose as her head was pushed to rest on the crook of someone’s neck.
“Sorry!” Another voice calls out, this one from far behind her. “Just a little longer Boss! I promise you’ll feel better after this!”
She wanted to trust the voice but the pain was becoming all consuming. It came from everywhere at once. Her nerves burned up in embers at every touch, every whisper, every breath. She just wanted for it to stop. She wanted for everything to just stop. Worse still, she begins to feel the memories take hold.
“Can’t…” She whimpered pitifully attempting to move out of the grip. But a firm hand pushed her tighter into the hold. “Can’t take it…..”
“Yes you can.” A voice whispered in her ear. Fingers curling into the damp hair on her neck. “You’re strong, Nefer, stronger than this. I know so.”
“No… No I’m just a…..” Her voice dies in her throat as her mind surcomes to darkness. Her words left unsaid.
This time the rest feels like a punishment. Dreams are often where the worse fears fester after all.
-
This time when she awoke she was alone.
Or perhaps she had always been alone.
Perhaps the voices from before were merely hallucinations that her mind had conjured up in order to cope with the pain, to cope with the loneliness.
Something for her mind to grab onto while her body fought to survive. It would not be the first time it had happened.
But this time it wasn’t only pain she was fighting.
This time the will of hunger hung over her like a looming threat.
She closed in on herself, her arms tightening over her stomach in a feeble attempt to stop it.
But nothing she could do would work.
Her stomach craved for nourishment that only food could provide but at the same time the thought of forcing food into her mouth while her mind was still swirling full with thoughts made her want to vomit.
The two desires clashed and pushed. It was a never ending cycle of wants and needs where neither side could never hope to come to an agreement.
All that was left was a large never ending stabbing pain in her stomach. Whether it was from the pain of her past or the wounds she had sustained she didn't know.
She had tried.
She had tried oh so hard to ignore the pain in stomach, to focus on something else, anything else. But with her eyes blinded the only other thing she could hope to focus on was the history she had tried so hard to bury.
She didn't want to feel.
She didn't want to see.
She didn't want to be forced to remember.
Forced to see the monster she had slowly become.
She didn't want to think of what her weak father would think of her now.
She didn’t want to see what the others thought of her now.
She wanted to leave.
She wanted to be gone, to be free of the vessel of only pain.
She wanted for her soul to be sucked out of her body and leave the never ending pain behind.
To become little more than a feeble wisp in the dark empty void.
A husk of her former self.
At least a void wouldn't judge her.
At least a void wouldn't force her to see herself for what she really was.
A monster. A snake. A little dirty liar.
The void was the perfect place for someone as filthy as she was.
She would be there with him. With Rerir.
Because she was the same as him.
Nothing more than a dirty snake whose soul was as worthless as the desert sand.
Take me, she whined.
Kill me, she pleaded.
Show me to the place where even the desert sun won't shine.
It's what I deserve.
“No.”
A familiar voice cuts through her thoughts.
“Nefer you know that isn’t true.”
A cool hand is placed on her cheek, a stark contrast to the heat swelling up in her soul. She leans into the touch, sighing contently.
She yearned for more of it but deep down she knew it's more than she deserves.
“Nefer…” The voice is clearer now. “I’ve seen what you’ve done before but please… You can not for a moment think that you are on the same level as him.”
Oh, but she was.
Her oh so secret past had been laid bare before them in all its wretched glory.
Perhaps that was her punishment for daring to think she could come out of this unscathed.
Vedrfolnir had been blinded for his sins, why not her as well?
“Nefer please… . You're going to be alright.”
Would she really? Or would she be forced to rot at the bottom of the chasm where only sinners remained?
No one would help her now. Not after all she had done… …
“Nefer… . What will it take for you to see… “
The hand on her cheek soon moved, she almost whined at the loss only to feel it reappear to caress her bangs out of her face.
The weight of the bed shifts as the voice draws closer.
“Sleep now, I promise all will be better when you wake.”
The last thing she feels is a soft pair of lips lovingly pressing a kiss to her temple. And for a moment she almost thinks it's real.
“I'm here for your Nefer… we all are.”
-
The next time she wakes again, she stays awake.
Nefer slowly sat up on the bed, trying to rub the sleep from her eyes only for the soft blindfold still wrapped around her eyes to stop her.
Right. She had nearly forgotten about that.
The pain of her wounds had died down significantly leaving behind a dull constant ache. It still burned her if she moved wrong but it was at a much more manageable level.
She sighed, running a hand through her hair instead.
It’s the first time she’s been lucid in days but even still her mind feels like the chaos of a battlefield.
Before she could process anything else a cup of water was shoved into her face, the glass cold against the heat of her cheek.
“Drink,” Lauma ordered. Her voice leaving her no room for her to refuse.
“When did you-” Nefer trailed off. Instead she simply took the water and slowly gulped it down.
She must be more tired than she thought if she didn’t even notice Lauma’s presence. Even without her eyes she was usually more than able to detect when she was being watched.
The glass was quickly taken from her after she finished. Her ears twitched as she heard the soft sound of Lauma placing it down on the wooden night stand.
“How…. How are you feeling at the moment? Do you need me to grab anything for you?” Nefer could practically imagine the way she bit her lip in hesitation.
Nefer shook her head, her hand vaguely waving her off.
“It's fine… I’m fine. No need for you to bother.”
…
“Are you sure? When you were sleeping you seemed… quite distraught.”
That was putting it mildly.
Her memory was still quite hazy but she could still recall that gentle voice lulling her to sleep, telling her everything would be alright. That she wasn’t the sinner she thought she was.
Nefer had hoped that it had simply been a dream. Nothing more than a delusion to cling on to.
But of course, as was her luck, it hadn’t been and Lauma had heard everything.
Nefer sighed, heavier this time. “You must think me a fool. Crying out after all I've done.”
“No I do not, anyone would after everything that has happened. It’s only natural.”
Nefer was silent for a moment. “You’re far too kind to me. What has Nod Krai done to deserve you?”
“I would ask you the same.” She felt the bed shift as Lauma moved to sit beside her. “What has this world done to deserve your sacrifice?”
Nefer raised a brow. “You’re kidding right? You already saw my past. Surely-”
“Kindness is easy when you’ve grown up surrounded by it. But for someone surrounded by years of lost and mistrust… It becomes much more difficult. But you… You sacrificed your eyes for nothing in return. You let him beat you until more bruises covered you then skin. You-"
She felt a hand brush on the base of her neck. A ghost of a touch.
“You almost died… You almost died for the good of Nod Krai. So don’t you dare for one moment think that you are anything like Rerir Nefer.” Lauma’s hands moved to grip her shoulders, her tone growing harsher.
“But-”
“Do not forget I saw everything just as he did. He might think you the same, but I certainly do not. Rerir might have had a tragic beginning just as you but that's where the similarities end. He knew what the King was doing was wrong but he double downed on it to keep up the illusion of peace, and that was Rerir’s downfall.”
Nefer wanted to argue. She wanted to retort those claims but Lauma just kept going, with every sentence Lauma’s grip on her shoulders grew tighter, more desperate.
“Rerir became a sinner because he only stopped when Tholindis was threatened, and when she was gone the only thing on his mind was revenge and salvation. He was desperate and became willing to do anything for his peace and love.” Lauma paused, her voice quivering now. Then without warning she pulled Nefer against herself in a tight hug. Pressing Nefer’s head into her neck with a shuddering breath. She cradled Nefer gently against herself, as if one wrong breath would cause her to crack. “Tell me, would Rerir have ever tried to stop a catastrophe in the way you did? Would Rerir sacrifice his life if he knew he could just back out of it if he wanted?”
Nefer stayed silent, unsure of how to answer such a claim.
“Rerir was dragged down by his mistakes but you chose to rise above it all. You’re here because you truly wanted to help, even if you tried to hide it behind the need for money.”
Despite herself, Nefer allowed a rare smile to spread across her lips. “Even after all this time it’s like you can still see right through me.”
A faint chuckle was heard, “It’s become a talent of mine. One I’m quite proud of.”
“However no matter what you say about my character it still doesn’t erase what I’ve done back then, back in the desert.”
“That might be so, but those actions also don’t erase what you’ve done here in the present. So please, Nefer, allow yourself to see the strength I see whenever I look upon you.”
“Strength… Is that really what you see?” She barely whispered.
Nefer could feel the smile on Lauma’s lips as they brushed upon her cheeks. “Always, it’s always what I’ve seen.”
And for the first time in forever Nefer allowed herself to believe it as Lauma’s lips sealed themselves over her own.