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“If you join the order maybe you can find your friend,”
“Rion’s dead,”
“I need to take a year off,”
“I’m quitting”
The life of an assassin isn’t for everyone.
That fact shouldn’t hurt like it does.
It does for Nagumo though, however it doesn’t seem to be fit for the people that he’s close with. Hyo just gets mad at him for just about anything, Shishiba is frankly tired of his attitude (no matter how much he respects Nagumo), and Osaragi isn’t exactly the best for conversation unless you want a million reasons as to why the gods hate you.
He’s not close with any members of the order and that’s probably for the best. Everyone who he knew during his days at the JCC is gone now (well except for Sakamoto who’d probably try and kill him if he showed up and– wow thinking back on it he really didn’t know a lot of people did he).
He wonders when he’ll kick the bucket, he’s not going to try to but it does make him wonder when it’ll happen. It’s not like people in this job tend to live long (no matter how good they are) so he thinks that it’s a reasonable wonder.
He doesn’t want to die, honestly he’d rather avoid it at any costs but it does make him wonder. It makes him wonder how long until he at least gets tired of this job, not to say that he isn’t a little tired of it already. There are only so many ways to kill a person and only so many ways a person can react to death. It kinda feels like a broken record player, it’s been going on so long that it’s just background noise at this point. He doesn’t mind it, when he does listen in it’s not like he’s going to find anything of value, and that’s the relaxing part.
There’s really no point in killing, or in his job. He doesn’t delude himself into thinking that he’s some sort of hero or villain. He kills bad people, he kills good. That doesn’t make him anything other than human.
Just because he’s a little better at getting rid of people doesn’t make him inhumane at all, which seems to be something people forget at times. Hell he thinks Hyo forgets it at times, but he can’t really blame the guy, it’s not like Nagumo’s trying to get anyone to see the ‘human’ in him– whatever that means.
He characterizes his life in chapters, when things change. The JCC and learning there was a whole thing (but he might split up his spy years and assassins years into two separate chapters now that he thinks about it), then there was joining the order to find Rion. Then there was Sakamoto leaving, and now that he thinks about it those aren’t very many chapters, especially for how long he’s been in the order for.
Life’s not dull or mundane, it’s just boring. It’s a muddle of random colors thrown together on a canvas, interesting for some but painfully expressionless for others. It’s not like the colors mean anything or form a coherent picture, it’s not like he cares for them either.
How long until he gives this life up? Probably until he dies, or does something stupid. He’s fine with whichever one comes first but he can’t see it coming for a while.
When he does meet Sakamoto again things seem to morph a little more. Apparently his old friend who couldn’t care less about anything now cares a little too much. Nagumo’s not stupid though, he’s hardly a match for any of The Order now. Osaragi could probably kill him if she really wanted (or if he pissed her off, she’s surprisingly strong for someone who looks so small).
He kinda doesn’t want Sakamoto to die though, and he’d really rather not be the one to kill him. That probably wouldn’t make him feel too good afterwards.
Sakamoto gets involved and suddenly it feels like he’s having a little more fun. He hasn’t pissed Sakamoto off in a while and it’s always fun to get on his friend’s nerves (although it’s kinda easier now). Sakamoto gets involved, and his friends get involved.
Hyo’s dead. When did that happen? Getting that news didn’t feel real for a few moments but then it did, then he felt nothing. Shishiba seems to go by the belief that since they’re assassins they don’t have the right to grieve when their friends die.
In Nagumo’s opinion that stance is a little too righteous for their profession, they’ve already killed so many. What's the point in trying to take a moral high ground in any of it? They have no right whether to grieve or not grieve for someone. It doesn’t make them better and their hands are already so blackened that it’s impossible to make it worse.
He doesn’t grieve for Hyo per se but Hyo does deserve respect. Out of everyone he was the better– not that it means much.
Standing on top of a building overlooking the world.
He lifts his hand into the air and fires off a single bullet.
So long Hyo.
He doesn’t grieve and when they’re assigned to the museum he doesn’t know what to expect, he doesn’t even know what he’s doing halfway through it. Fighting Takamura for what? A piece of Rion who’s not even there anymore? All he’s doing is protecting the guy who killed her, but Sakamoto’s also doing the same (although it’s mostly because of his no-kill rule) so he doesn’t care.
When he’s labelled an enemy of the JAA he doesn’t think too much about it but it does make him laugh a little. If he splits his life into chapters how many are there now? What’s it all heading towards? The end is inevitable. He knows that much.
What’s he even trying to accomplish anymore? He doesn’t really know, actually now that he thinks about it he’s a little mad that Rion’s alive in Slur. Not in a ears steaming, face red way, but in the way that someone would be pissed if a cat knocked their glass off the counter.
Why?
Why is she back? Why is she not back? He’s missing so much of the story, and his painting seems blurry. There’s a picture there, for the first time there’s something there that he thinks might be a picture. It’s blurry and it’s jagged and it’s probably not even worth it to complete but it’s there.
It kinda pisses him off.
What’s he even doing all of this for? Sakamoto apparently, but why? Turns out going with the flow all of the time isn’t the best for him after all.
He goes with it anyways.