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Shin can’t sleep, he’s tried, but he never seems to sleep longer than 30 minutes. So he’s in bed, staring at the ceiling of his room and trying to shut his eyes, but there’s an itch in the back of his mind. He knows what it is, he’s not stupid. He hasn’t smoked in what feels like forever, and he’s more than a little stressed about everything going on at the moment.
From Slur, to watching the Sakamoto’s, to Lu and Heisuke, literally anything going on in his life right now he’s more than likely stressed about. According to others he has a bleeding heart, he’s heard it a thousand times now and maybe that’s part of the reason that he’s stressed.
God, he needs a smoke.
He doesn’t though, for another 2 minutes that is before he’s sitting up in his bed and fishing out a pack in his drawer. Sakamoto probably knows he has it and he told Shin that he should probably quit, and he’s trying but it’s kinda hard to just go cold turkey after smoking for 4 years, and yes four. He’s been smoking since he was 17 which is probably part of the reason why it’s so hard for him to quit.
He can’t quit though.
He takes out the lighter and at least has the decency to go out of the shop to smoke, Aoi doesn’t like the smell and he doesn’t want Hana smelling it around him either (despite the fact that he’s probably gonna wake up smelling like it anyway).
When he gets outside he walks to the end of the block (far enough so he can still see the shop) and lights the cigarette and numbly thinks that at least it’s not a vape. It’s probably not that much better (or worse, however you look at it), but he likes to think he’s a little better for it.
He lifts it up to his lips and takes a long drag and blows out the smoke with a sigh. His face has the urge to wrinkle a little in disgust but he doesn’t allow it to.
It’s not even that enjoyable, there’s a brief moment when his mind feels relieved but it just goes back to being stressed again. It’s the nicotine and he knows it damn well, he takes another hit anyways.
He doesn’t even like it. It just feels natural, like second nature. He shudders at the thought trying to remember the last time he smoked a cigarette that wasn’t right now.
He remembers doing it at the JCC to mark down something on his tropes checkbook, he doesn’t even remember caring for it too much then or even enjoying it. It felt natural, like something he did all the time (because it was) so he didn’t think about it much then. Now that he thinks about it he didn’t even really smoke it too much, just kinda lit it, took a puff, and then got found out and dropped it out of boredom.
He doesn’t do that now, his eyes are a little tired from the cold and his hands are going slightly numb. His fingertips are a little red from the chill in the air and he half considers going back to the shop. He glances over, the shop is by itself and the sidewalk is pretty much empty except for a lone figure. They seem rather small so Shin ignores it, there are no enhanced emotions from the person so it’s pretty clear that they’re not trying to harm him.
He sighs, still holding the cigarette, it’s probably gonna get put out soon but he doesn’t care, his fingers are cold and currently they’re taking in whatever remaining warmth from the stick. He gazes out in front of him looking at the other buildings when suddenly he picks up a stray thought.
“What’s brother doing out here? Is he cold?”
He knows that voice, he turns around and his mouth barely falls open at the sight of Hana walking over to him, her eyes heavy with sleep as she holds a stuffed animal in her hand.
“Hana?” He calls out, he takes a step forward and almost immediately Hana’s eyes look up to meet him, they light up a little as she wanders over, tugging at his pants a little as if to try and keep his attention.
Suddenly he’s all too-aware of the cigarette in his hand. He flushes in embarrassment and moves it away from the girl, tapping the ashes onto the ground and looking for a place to smudge out the fire.
“Shin, why are you outside?” Hana asks, her face is pressed against his leg, she’s tired, way too tired for this.
“I was just– going out,” Shin decides on, he knows Hana’s not stupid and he knows that she sees the cigarette.
“Mommy doesn’t like those,” Hana whispers, looking at him. Her eyes aren’t judging but they’re a little confused, and he can tell some part of her is frightened. “Why is Shin smoking? Will mommy get mad? Is he gonna get in trouble? I don’t want that,”
“Uh yeah, she– she doesn’t,” Shin replies, Hana peels herself off of Shin’s leg and instead sits on the curb, Shin joins her and rubs the cigarette on the pavement, putting it out.
“Is that why you walked all the way out here?” Hana asks, she holds her stuffed animal in her hands and presses her face into it.
“Yeah, something like that,”
“... I won’t tell mommy,” Hana replies after a while, she’s looking down and it’s clear that the girl is conflicted. Shin pales a little at the words, he doesn’t want Hana to lie or anything for him. He doesn’t want her to have to do anything like that.
“You don’t have to do that Hana, I’ll– I’ll tell Aoi tomorrow okay?”
“But what if mommy gets mad? She doesn’t like smoking,” Hana states.
“I’ll be fine, you shouldn’t lie to your parents Hana,” Shin replies back. Hana seems a little relieved by the statement and looks towards Shin with a small smile.
“Really?”
“Yeah, it’s a family rule, right? No secrets?” Shin teases her a little and instantly Hana’s smiling again and hugging Shin tightly. Honestly for someone her size you wouldn’t expect her to be so strong. Well, he supposes she is Sakamoto’s daughter.
“Mhm, are you okay Shin?” Hana asks after a while.
“For the most part, I think I’ll be fine though. What about you? Did I wake you up?”
“No, not really, I heard you leave and I was trying to go back to sleep but couldn’t. I had a nightmare when I tried so I assumed it was because I was worried about you,”
She was worried about him? He hisses a little through his teeth, that wasn’t supposed to happen. The whole reason he wanted to get stronger was so that people wouldn’t have to worry about him. If he’s worrying Hana he’s not doing her job very well.
“Why were you worried about me?”
Hana looks at him, confused for a second. “Why wouldn’t I be worried about you? I worry about everyone, Daddy, Mommy, Lu, Heisuke…” Hana trails off. “I get worried that you’ll get hurt, and I’m worried that you’re hurt and I can’t do anything about it,”
Shin bites his tongue, turns out he has a lot more in common with a six year old than he thought. He wants to tell her that she shouldn’t worry but he’s been told that thousands of times as a kid, and he knows that it does jack shit.
“I know… it’s not that fun, is it,” it comes out as a statement but Hana doesn’t seem to mind.
She shakes her head a little.
“Yeah… I know,”
For a second they stay out there in the night, staring at across the road while Hana’s eyelids slowly drift down, accompanied by a yawn. Shin holds back his smile and nudges Hana a little trying to wake her up a smidge.
“You wanna go back?” He asks and she nods, moving to get up. “Do you want me to carry you?” Shin adds on.
Hana’s eyes sparkle a bit as she nods and Shin laughs as he lets her climb onto his back. She’s not heavy so it’s a relatively easy walk. When they get back he tucks her in bed and walks back to his own room. He wonders if Sakamoto is awake for a brief moment before deciding that’s a conversation for tomorrow.
He has a lot of things tomorrow, but he doesn’t need to get to it now.
Now, he sleeps.