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A knock came on the door, but before Kevin could get to his feet, Cecil shuffled in from his and Carlos’s bedroom. He swung open the door with a bright smile on his face as he greeted—“Steve! Thank you for coming over, we really appreciate this!”
“Of course, I’m always happy to help!” Steve Carlsberg said as he came inside. “Abby is helping Janice with a Girl’s Scouts slumber party they’re having at the high school, so this gives me something to do tonight!” He glanced over at Kevin, who looked a bit shy even as Steve waved and gave him a little smile. “How’re you doing, Kevin?”
“I’m okay…” Kevin said, and he grabbed Buddy Bear from beside him to hold.
“You remember what Lolo said earlier, yeah?” Cecil asked. “Since we’re going out tonight, Steve is going to stay with you to keep you company. Is that alright?”
“Mhm…” Kevin nodded, and he picked at his fleece pants. “Where’re you going, Cece?”
“We’re going to get dinner, and we might go to the park for a little evening stroll,” Cecil said. “We won’t be that long, I promise.”
“Okay…” Kevin stuck the side of his finger in his mouth to gnaw on the hangnail. He knew that Cece and Lolo told him they were going out, and he was happy for them! He really was! They deserved to go on a date together and not deal with him for one evening! But, at the same time… Well, selfishly, Kevin wanted to be with them, too. Of course, he liked Steve, too! He really liked Steve! But, the thought of being with someone besides Cece and Lolo…was kind of scary.
“Alright, I’m ready to go, Cecil—Steve!” Carlos beamed as he came out of the bedroom. He of course wore his nicest lab coat, and he tied back his hair, and he trimmed his beard so short. He looked nice, like he always looked, and Kevin didn’t like that it meant Lolo wouldn’t be home all evening. “Thank you for coming over, seriously, you don’t know how much we appreciate this…”
“Like I said, I’m happy to help!” Steve said. “It’s really no trouble at all, and you two deserve to get a little time to yourselves!”
Of course they deserved time to themselves…but, Kevin didn’t understand why their time to themselves couldn’t also include him. He squeezed Buddy Bear a little closer, and he worked very hard to keep his smile on his face. Kevin needed to be happy for his caregivers. They were going on a date together! They were happy! That meant he needed to be happy, too.
“Are you going to be alright with Steve, honey?” Carlos asked, startling Kevin out of his happiness concentration.
“Uh huh!” Kevin said with a bit of panic. Lolo smiled at him, and he kissed the top of his head, mussing his hair gently.
“Well, if you need anything, we’re just a phone call away, okay?” Carlos said. “We love you, Kevin.”
“Love you, too…” Kevin mumbled. Cecil made his way over to kiss Kevin on the forehead, his dangly earrings brushing against Kevin’s hair just enough to make him laugh. “Love you, Cece…”
“And I love you, too, honeycup,” Cecil cooed. “Be good for Steve, alright? We might even make cupcakes tomorrow if you’re good!”
Kevin squeaked, eyes wide. Cupcakes?! He would be on his very, very best behavior!
Steve chuckled so fondly, arms crossed as he leaned against the arm of the couch. “Alright, you two get out of here! Go enjoy your date, and we’re gonna enjoy an evening of…something!” he said.
“Oh, he loves smiley fries, and we have some mac’n’cheese in the cabinet, and we have some bagged veggies in the freezer. Make sure he gets some sort of vegetable in him?” Carlos rambled as Cecil slowly led him toward the door. “And there’s some finger paints on the dining table with some paper, there’s some beads and string if you want to make friendship bracelets! We don’t let him have regular milk or chocolate milk at least an hour before bed, but there’s skim milk if he wants a sippy cup! And make sure he brushes his teeth!”
“I think I can handle it, Carlos, get to dinner!” Steve said with a laugh.
“Thank you, again, Steve!” Cecil said, nudging Carlos out the door. “We’ll see you in a little while!”
Once the door shut, Kevin wanted to cry. Why did they have to leave? It wasn’t fair…
“Well, since they’re getting dinner, how about we fix us up some grub, too, Kevin?” Steve said, clapping his hands together with a grin on his face.
“Grub?” Kevin questioned, brows raised. “We…bugs? You eat bugs?” he asked.
“Oh, no, not grub like bugs!” Steve said, snickering. “You want some mac’n’cheese and smiley fries?”
“Mhm…” Kevin nodded. “Needs ketchup, too,” he said.
“Of course!” Steve started toward the kitchen, so Kevin took off after him with a blanket around his shoulders. He watched from the corner as Steve took down a box of macaroni from the cabinet and started a pot of water on the stove. Steve hummed a little song to himself as he worked, and he spread out the smiley fries on a pan. “Hey, Kevin, kiddo, how many fries do you want?” Steve asked over his shoulder.
Kevin squeaked, and he felt his face grow hotter. “U-um…I dunno…” he said. Lolo always just made him the perfect amount. How was he supposed to know?
“Well, how about I just fix a couple servings, and whatever you don’t want, you can have tomorrow?” Steve suggested. Kevin supposed that would have to do, so he nodded. Steve added several smiles onto the pan and placed them in the oven, setting the timer according to the bag. “Did you want to come over here and get a couple of plates down?” Steve asked while he added some mixed veggies to a pan.
“Okay…” Kevin shuffled over, and he pulled down a couple of plates from the cabinets. “Um…I want—um, c-can I have chocolate milk?” he asked.
“Of course!” Steve said. “Where’s your cup?” he asked, so Kevin grabbed one from another cabinet, and he handed it over to Steve so he could fill it up. The little sippy cup was orange with a fox face on the front, and Steve thought it just looked darling. “There you go, kiddo!” he said as he screwed the lid on and passed the cup to Kevin. He turned his attention back to the stove, stirring around the veggies and the noodles.
Kevin watched him work, but it just didn’t seem right. Cece cooked differently than Steve. He didn’t hum the whole time, nor did he constantly check everything little thing. Kevin sipped his milk as he watched Steve, but it didn’t offer him any comfort when Kevin knew his Cece made dinner a lot better than this. He watched as Steve fidgeted and stirred constantly, lifting the lid off the pan to stir around the veggies almost as soon as he put it down again.
“D-did you, uh—” Steve cleared his throat. “Did you want to go find something for us to watch on TV, kiddo?” he asked.
“Okay…” Kevin said around his cup. He shuffled back toward the living room, but he still heard Steve breathe heavily. Maybe he needed to yawn? Kevin really didn’t know. He plopped down on the sofa and pulled Buddy Bear back into his arms while he searched the TV for anything to watch. Eventually, he settled on My Little Pony, and he picked a random episode with Pinkie Pie in the thumbnail. As the theme song played, Steve came back in the room with two plates in his hands.
“Alright, here we are!” Steve said. He handed Kevin his plate with mac’n’cheese, five smiley fries, and veggies. Beside the smileys was some ketchup, and Kevin wrinkled up his nose. “What’s wrong, Kevin?”
“Nothin’…” Kevin said quietly. He tried to scoop up some of his ketchup to mix into macaroni, and he hoped he had enough left to dip his smileys in. His Cece never messed up macaroni, though. Cece always remembered to add the ketchup into the cheese. “Thank you, Steve…” Kevin said, though, because he knew Lolo would want him to remember his manners.
“Are you sure everything’s alright, kiddo?” Steve asked. Kevin nodded. “Alright…well, enjoy…”
Kevin tried, he really did. He tried to enjoy his dinner, but it just wasn’t right. Steve tried so hard to make him a yummy dinner, but it just wasn’t the same. By the time Kevin finished, he left half his macaroni and all of his peas that he picked out of the veggies.
“Not a fan of peas, huh?” Steve asked with a chuckle as he got to his feet.
“Mm-mm.” Kevin shook his head. “Peas is yucky…”
“Well, I’m proud of you for eating as much as you did!” Steve said. He picked up the plates and took them to the kitchen. Kevin smiled, and he giggled to himself. Steve was proud of him? That felt nice. That made him happy. “So, did you want to do anything else, Kev?” Steve asked as he came back in. “We could do some finger painting, make some bracelets, color, whatever you want! We could try to…”
Steve kept talking, but Kevin stopped listening.
Kev. He hated being called Kev. His dad always called him that. His dad was a mean man. He hurt Kevin, he tried to kill Kevin, and he didn’t like Kevin one little bit. Kevin didn’t like him, either, and for that very reason he hated being called Kev almost as much as he hated caramel. Why did Steve call him Kev? Did Steve hate him? Was Kevin supposed to hate Steve, too? He didn’t want to hate Steve. He didn’t want to, but Kevin could feel his heart speed up and sweat start to coat his skin. He trembled, and he…he gnashed his teeth together.
“You alright, bud?” Steve asked, and he stooped down in front of Kevin. “Where are you, Kev? What’s wrong?”
“K-Kevin.”
“What?”
“N-not…not Kev.” His fingernails dug into his palms, and Kevin bit down on his tongue until he tasted metal. His ears rang, and Kevin swore that his heart would leap out of his chest. “Kevin.”
“You don’t like being called Kev?” Steve asked. Kevin shook his head as hard as he could. It made him so dizzy. “Alright, alright, I won’t call you that, Kevin,” Steve said. Kevin nodded, but even knowing that Steve wouldn’t call him Kev again didn’t calm him down. Everything still hurt. His skin had a pulse, sweat poured down his spine, and Kevin worried he might pass out.
“G-gotta go potty,” Kevin said quickly, and he jumped to his feet, his blanket and Buddy Bear abandoned on the couch. He ran to the bathroom and slammed the door shut, heaving as he leaned against the countertop. Kevin’s arms trembled, and his legs felt like jelly. Tears filled his eyes, and his lips trembled as he fought so hard to keep from crying.
This was so wrong. He didn’t need to be sad! There was no reason to be sad! Steve wasn’t going to call him Kev again!
Kevin bit down on his arm as hard as he could. When the pain of it didn’t relieve the ache in his chest, he bit down on his hand. It hurt, of course it did, that was the point, but it didn’t hurt enough. Kevin whined, and he threw himself down on the ground, yanking on his hair until his fists came away with little clumps of it. “Owwwwwwwwww!”
“Kevin?” Steve knocked on the door, and he sounded so worried. Of course he sounded worried. Kevin knew what he was doing was bad, but he couldn’t stop himself. He needed to do this. He raked his nails across his skin, though it hardly did as much as he needed it to. His Lolo always kept his nails short and blunt, filing them down so that he couldn’t do exactly what he tried to do. Still, though, Kevin dug into his skin deeper, harder, until red streaks showed themselves. Then, he raked across those streaks harder, and a few dots of blood sprung up from broken skin.
“Kevin, let me in, kiddo!” Steve said, and he tried the doorknob. He smacked his hand against the door frantically, but Kevin didn’t let him in. No, instead, Kevin staggered back to his feet, digging into his face with now-bloodied nails until he made his chin, his nose, his neck bleed.
He stood in front of the mirror, bloodied, shaking, with tear tracks helping blossom the dots of blood. He stood there, and Kevin smiled. It wasn’t a real smile, he could tell, but he needed it. He needed to smile because the alternative was scary. So, Kevin smiled as wide as he could, and the briefest thought that he could smile wider flashed through his mind.
The door finally opened, as the doorknob fell into the room, and Steve stood on the other side with a screwdriver in his hand. Uh oh.
“Kevin, what in the world—oh,” Steve stopped right in front of him, frantic worry immediately melting in gentle, sad worry.
Kevin tried to smile so big for him, but he worried it didn’t work.
“Let’s get you cleaned up, little guy…” Steve said.
“I-I’m sorry…” Kevin whimpered, which Steve only gave him another sad, sad look for.
“You don’t need to say sorry, Kevin,” Steve said. He grabbed a washcloth from the cupboard, and he soaked it in the sink, wringing it out as well as he could. Kevin shut his eyes while Steve tried to clean up his face. “I’m sorry for upsetting you so much,” Steve said. Kevin whined as his open wounds stung. “Do I need to go call Cecil and Carlos?”
“No!” Kevin squeaked. “N-no, they- they wan’ed a date…”
“I think they’d be more than okay with coming home if you need them, Kevin,” Steve said. Kevin shook his head, though, so Steve didn’t press it any further. “Alright, well…” Steve sighed, and he cleaned off Kevin’s fingers as well as he could. “It’s getting late, so how about you get ready for bed?”
“Okay…” Kevin whimpered.
“Brush your teeth, and I’ll help you get some pjs on, okay?”
Kevin nodded, and he grabbed his toothbrush from the cup on the sink. He brushed his teeth, though his hands still shook some, which made it difficult. After he rinsed his mouth, Steve led him to his bedroom with a hand on the small of his back.
“Where’re your pjs, buddy?” Steve asked.
“Third drawer…” Kevin mumbled as he hopped onto his bed. Steve let out a little ‘aha!’ as he pulled out a pair of plaid pajama pants and an oversized shirt with a dabbing kitty on the front. He tossed them down on the bed so he could undress Kevin and redress him in the pjs. “Buddy Bear…?”
“Oh, he’s still in the living room, isn’t he?” Steve asked. Kevin nodded. “I’ll go get him; you can get under the covers, alright?” Kevin nodded again, so Steve made his way out of the room.
Kevin crawled under his blankets, and he reached over to his nightstand to grab his paci and fix it between his teeth. When he thought about it just a moment longer, he opened the drawer on the nightstand and pulled out his old mittens. He hadn’t needed the mittens since his surgery; Carlos insisted on them so that Kevin wouldn’t pick at his stitches in his sleep. Kevin slipped the mittens on his hands with teary eyes as Steve came back into the room.
“Here you go, Kevin—mittens?” Steve questioned.
“No scratching…” Kevin said to explain, though he blushed brightly. He hadn’t meant to get caught putting them on.
“Alright…” Steve sounded worried again, but Kevin tried not to think about it. He took Buddy Bear when Steve offered him, and he cuddled the teddy bear to his chest. “I got you some milk in your cup, too, if you want that?” Steve said, holding out the sippy cup for Kevin to take.
“Thank you…” Kevin said as he took the cup.
“Did you need anything else, buddy?” Steve asked, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. “I could read you a bedtime story if you want?”
Kevin nodded at that. He liked bedtime stories, so Steve got up and looked through his bookshelf for something to read. He came back with a book in his hands, Little Bunny’s Sleepless Night, and he sat down at the head of the bed. Kevin scooted closer, and he leaned against Steve’s arm while he started to read.
Steve didn’t have nearly as nice a voice as Cecil, Kevin thought, but he did a lot of silly voices. His voice didn’t put Kevin to sleep, it didn’t feel like a warm blankie right from the dryer, and it didn’t reverberate through his head in that soothing way that Kevin liked…but it was nice. Steve was nice. He didn’t stumble over his words, he didn’t say any of them wrong, and he had such a silly French accent for the skunk.
Kevin smiled, genuinely, by the end of the book.
“How was that?” Steve asked, smiling back down at him.
“Another?” Kevin asked, big puppy eyes looking up at Steve.
Steve chuckled, but he nodded. “I can read you another book, buddy,” he said, getting up to fetch another book. This time, he came back with The Little Elephant Who Wants to Fall Asleep, and Kevin giggled happily. Lolo loved to read this one with him, so Steve had a lot to compete with!
It made Kevin so happy that Steve seemed to know just when to yawn, just when to speak with that soft tone that Kevin loved from Lolo, and he loved the voices Steve made for each character. By the end of the book, Kevin yawned, too, and he snuggled deep into his covers.
“Ready for some shut-eye, Kevin?” Steve asked, brushing back Kevin’s hair. Kevin nodded, eyes fluttering shut. He finished off his milk and handed the cup to Steve before replacing his paci in his mouth. He scrubbed his eyes with his mittened-hands and let out another yawn. “Alright, get some sleep, buddy,” Steve whispered. He left the cup and book on the nightstand, and he drew up the covers to Kevin’s chin, tucking him in warmly.
Steve drew the door up, but he didn’t shut it entirely. Light from the hallway kept Kevin’s room from feeling too dark, and the nonsensical voices from the television lulled Kevin to sleep so cozily. He thought, with the last bits of conscious thought, that Steve wasn’t at all like Cece or Lolo, but maybe he was fun.
…
“How was he?”
Hm? Kevin felt heavy as a brick, sunk cozily into his bed, but he swore he heard Cece’s voice somewhere far away.
“We had a little incident—he had a panic attack, and he scratched himself up real bad, but we took care of it. I didn’t realize he didn’t like being called Kev, so…”
“Oh—we should have warned you. I’m sorry—is he okay?”
Kevin wanted to wake up more. He heard his Lolo! But his bed was so comfy…!
“He’s okay, I think. I got him to bed, we read a couple books, and he seemed happy when I left.”
“Well, thank you, Steve, honestly…we really needed tonight, I think. Even if we both worried about him the whole time,” Cecil said with a chuckle.
“Anytime! He’s a sweetheart!”
“Yeah, thank you, Steve,” Carlos said. “I think we’ll go check on him, and we’ll head to bed, so you’re free to go home…”
“I’ll see you guys next time, then!” Steve said. The front door opened, closed, and Kevin could hear Cece and Lolo mumbling to each other. He tried to strain to hear them, but he couldn’t make out a word. Then his door opened a little further, and the light from the hallway hit his nightstand.
Kevin kept his eyes shut; he didn’t want them to know he was awake. He heard footsteps approach his bed, then he felt Lolo sit down on the edge of his bed.
“Are you awake, honey?” Lolo asked, patting Kevin’s chest through the quilt. Kevin fluttered his eyes open as though he just woke up, and he shyly smiled at his Lolo and Cece. Carlos smiled, too, reaching over to cup his cheek. “How was your evening with Steve?”
“Good…” Kevin said quietly. “We had fun all evening,” he lied. He didn’t like lying, but he didn’t like worrying his caregivers more.
“Steve mentioned that you had a little incident earlier…” Cece said, and Kevin blushed brightly. “And it looks like the bathroom door is missing a doorknob…”
“I got…I-I got sad. But we made it better, s’okay…” Kevin said.
“Alright, well we can talk about it tomorrow, honey,” Lolo said. He kissed Kevin’s forehead before he stood up, and Kevin smiled. He missed Lolo so much.
Cecil leaned down to kiss his forehead, too, and Kevin squeaked, silent giggles bubbling up. Cece chuckled and ruffled his hair. “We love you, Kevin. Get some sleep.”
“Love you, too…!” Kevin said, and he rolled over so he didn’t have to see Lolo or Cece, his smile so big on his face. He could hear their amusement as they left, and they drew up the door to leave it cracked open once again.
For a moment, Kevin thought he wouldn’t mind if Cece and Lolo had another date night. He liked Steve, and he loved the attention he got when Cece and Lolo came home. Slowly, he drifted back to sleep, smiling to himself so pleasantly.