Chapter Text
anxin can’t quite say everything was going wrong.
because everything isn’t.
it’s just him and his stupid feelings...and sanghyeon and sangwon.
everything of which he didn’t know what to do with. about.
this isn’t even a big deal, he tells himself, stirring his tea with an annoyed outburst of emotions.
fine, he needs to work on it, maybe. because it is something of a big deal.
ironically, he feels as though something was stolen straight out of his cat grip, from underneath his feet.
its been days.
he was beginning to feel inexplicably restless about the entire matter.
he taps restlessly on the table, thinking.
is he overthinking this?
possibly.
is his overthinking a result of his own delusions? probably.
is he going to stop? not until he’s made to.
which jiahao will get to if anxin looks even a little visibly mentally frazzled, for fuck’s sake.
anxin needs to learn to manage his emotions better.
everyone knew he drank tea in the early mornings when his mind was full of conflict.
he quickly gets up, downing the tea in one go and hurrying to the sink when he hears footsteps approach, washing the cup before turning around with a hasty smile.
it stutters a little when he sees sanghyeon. sangwon padding softly behind him, taking a seat at the counter.
oh god.
here we go.
here comes the worst of all his emotions.
sanghyeon is the one with all the energy among them, poking sangwon’s arm playfully, “really? really, hyung?”
sangwon pushes sanghyeon’s hand away from his arm, “stop.” he buries his face into his arms on the table, “give me the stuff you promised.”
sanghyeon makes a put-upon face, then looks up belatedly and sees anxin at the other end of the kitchen, face brightening, “hyung, you’re up too?”
anxin nods, smiling back because who can’t when that puppy gaze looks at you expectantly like that. “yeah, i got out early.”
hearing his voice, sangwon jolts up, squinting his eyes. “anxinie.” he tips his head back to look at the clock, “bad night?”
he shakes his head, placing the cup where it belongs, “no, i just needed to clear my head a little.”
sangwon raises a brow, unmoving when sanghyeon’s hand comes over his shoulder to knead at the muscles there. anxin’s finger twitches behind him at the sight, do they have to right now. the older doesn’t push, “is it about yesterday’s choreo?”
he shrugs, avoidant, “a little.”
“hyung.” sanghyeon says, referring to anxin, “she said we have time to work on it, you were the best of all of us. she didn’t even notice your misstep.” he wrinkles his nose, “she was too focused on mine actually, and long-ge’s.”
anxin was lying. he wasn’t worried about the choreography one bit, he knew he had the number down to perfection. “still.”
sangwon intervenes, curving his shoulders to acquiesce sanghyeon’s fingers, “we can all go in early today, we’re up anyway.”
anxin sucks in a deep breath through his teeth, “it’s… only 7.”
sangwon nods, “exactly. but if you’re so worried about it you woke up this early in the day, we should do something to fix it, no?”
listen. how about no.
he spends enough time in that practice room as it is, he’d cry if he has to go in before 10. “let’s go after breakfast then?”
he's so weak.
why can't he deny sangwon.
sangwon makes a noise of agreement, “i’ll order in something for us, we can leave by eight.”
sanghyeon clears his throat, voice desperate and every bit of the 18 year old he is when he asks, “i don’t have to come, right?”
“yes, you do.” sangwon scrolls on his phone, app open, “chinese or korean?”
“i didn’t sleep well, and i only came out to make you that coffee, come on - we can go in after 10, with the others. hao-hyung needs to share a car with anxin-hyung when we leave or he gets cranky, we should follow routine. we shouldn’t ever break routine, it's what leads to everything bad in life, in the world - we're setting ourselves up for failure, listen to me. let’s go in after 10.”
sangwon tilts his head back, revealing the long elegant line of his neck, looking up at sanghyeon. smiles. “you slept a straight 10 hours.” he points towards anxin, “he’s stressed out, the least we can do is accompany him.”
anxin almost waves his hands to refuse, then decides against it - shifting where he stands, “i’ll go shower. you guys…” he pauses for dramatic effect, “can go at it. and hyung, let’s do western.”
sangwon holds up a thumb, then says to sanghyeon, “you go shower too, i’ll make the coffee.”
“i’ll make the coffee, i promised.” sanghyeon is responding, because of course he is, “hyung can go shower first. i’ll come with you two, we’ll practice and suffer for a good 17 hours today, happy?”
anxin lingers longer than he wanted to, listening to them.
“yes, so go shower.” a faint shuffle, “i’ll get the coffee.”
“hyung. no, why - we have a - i promised. go - “ a yelp, and anxin hears sanghyeon curse before apologizing. another yelp, “sorry - just go.” a pause before, "just go, hyung." he remedies.
anxin hurries away to his room when he hears sangwon leave, not wanting sangwon to see him linger there.
he stares into the dark and cold of his room.
leans back against his door and sighs, tsks.
“why am i like this.”
overthinking.
…
it’s been 3 weeks since they debuted.
and everything was going fine for their group.
the general public was tuned into all the content they put out, their fans were waiting and hyping up whatever they had of them, the members were flourishing mentally and physically, arranging songs and performances for their MAMA stage, full time grinding to show their fans the best version of themselves they could possibly offer.
it was going well. their one month anniversary was coming up, and until now - it’s been stable.
they were doing great.
but.
anxin had a small dilemma he didn’t know what to do with.
sangwon and sanghyeon.
he doesn’t know why he even worries about it so much. because when sangwon cornered him three weeks ago, after the finale, to ask him if anxin had anything he wanted to say to him, anxin had stared confusedly at him until sangwon smiled a small, trembling thing and nodded, hugged him once and left.
anxin thinks he knows what that might have been about now.
and it felt useless.
because being faintly aware of his own probable feelings didn’t matter - not when sanghyeon was possibly sweeping sangwon off his feet right now.
they were - hurts him to admit it, but they were always together - joined to the hip.
not always.
they’re with everyone all the time.
sangwon lingered around anxin a lot, beaming. but that felt about the same as he was with everyone else, excluding leo. leo and sangwon always managed to spend a little extra time together, same as jiahao tried to do with him.
except.
anxin woke up one morning (6 days after debut) and geonwoo came out the same time, asking if anyone knew where sanghyeon went.
to not raise panic, junseo had calmly intervened and told them to search around their apartment after countless attempts to call him, only for anxin and jiahao to go into xinlong’s and sangwon’s room and see sanghyeon buried under sangwon’s covers, at the edge of the bed, comfortable in his sleep.
anxin feels time pause straight for a second there.
it’d stopped the three of them short at the entrance of the room, anxin’s hand hovering over the light switch, trying to swallow the feelings that rise up his chest at the sight.
they all look at each other awkwardly, geonwoo and junseo practically conversing with their eyes.
anxin winces when sangwon shuffles, rising on his elbows and blinking at the light, before sitting up entirely when he sees the crowd at the door. he shakes his head, one hand holding his neck, eyes locking in to focus, “what’s it?”
junseo beckons with his chin towards sanghyeon, the same time their maknae - with all the obvious disturbance, sits up abruptly, eyes still closed and hair mussed.
he opens an eye, “what happened?”
“it’s confusing when you ask us what we were going to ask you…” junseo tries.
ten minutes later, they’re all in the sitting room, talking about it.
sanghyeon just tells them he’s crashing with sangwon for a few days and before geonwoo asks, says it has nothing to do with geonwoo’s snoring (which incites protests from the other), and only adds ‘sangwon hyung said i could for a while’ before going quiet, nervous under the eyes of his hyungs.
jiahao reaches out to pinch his cheeks, “why are you scared, we were only worried because we thought something happened when geonwoo couldn’t find you.”
geonwoo nods, “you can sleep wherever, it doesn't matter.” he sends a pointed look sangwon's way, who sits in between leo and sanghyeon, hugging a pillow, “didn’t you kick me out of your bed when i sat on it for two minutes last time, how are you suddenly fine with sanghyeonie sleeping with you?”
sangwon hums sleepily, “you had your outside clothes on.”
“i removed my coat.”
“and underneath it, remained clothes you wore when you were outside.”
geonwoo makes an annoyed noise, ignoring him.
anxin laid on sangwon’s bed even with his outside clothes when they were roommates back at the planet camp but he didn’t feel like pointing it out right now.
because what does it mean for sanghyeon and sangwon to share a bed.
and for how long.
and why does anxin feel so… bitter about it.
sanghyeon leaves a little later, excusing himself saying he'd just go shower since it's already come to this. the others sit around - roused way too early, but reluctant to go back to sleep, just the same.
leo is the first to question sangwon, “nothing is wrong with him, yeah?”
sangwon startles, “hm?” he bobs his head into his pillow, “yeah. he just wants to sleep on my bed.”
“and you’re fine with it?”
sangwon pauses, scratching at his brow. “yeah. he’s not bad company,” he gives leo a look, smiling slyly, “he doesn’t kick me in his sleep like you do.”
leo scoffs, lighthearted, “better sleeping habits?”
“not entirely.” he stretches, shirt riding up at his abdomen. anxin quickly looks away. “it’s only been a night, but he has a thing for holding what’s within reach in his sleep.”
leo laughs, covering his mouth, “and that’s you.”
anxin pretends that doesn't kick up something in his chest.
sangwon shrugs. “it doesn’t disturb me, i don’t care.” he stands, taking his pillow with him, “all three of you - “ he begins, directing his gaze at geonwoo, anxin and junseo, “ - scared the shit out of me earlier. i thought something happened.”
anxin purses his lips apologetically, “sorry, we were just taken aback when we couldn’t find sanghyeonie.”
sangwon smiles at him, eyes glittering. soft, stops to hug him briefly, “it’s nice to see you.”
anxin makes a confused noise, “hn?”
“i don’t know, i’m sleepy, and tired - and it's just nice to.” leo is behind sangwon, and he must’ve done something because sangwon pulls away, sheepish, “i’ll go. i’ll sleep for exactly 30 minutes and one of you, can come in like a normal person and wake me, okay?”
anxin is… so confused.
leo mock-salutes. “the rest of us can take turns showering.” he makes way for sangwon to leave, who brushes against anxin’s hand once. “hao-hyung, breakfast?”
“ordering in, western today so it’s easy on our stomach.”
dispersed, anxin goes back to his room.
sits on his bed and thinks about what just happened.
just the thought of sanghyeon and sangwon together makes him uneasy.
he shuts his brain off and lays down, refusing to think about it and explain to himself the complex of emotions running wildly in his guts.
‘it’s nice to see you.’
‘it’s nice to see you.’
‘it’s nice to see you.’
…
here they are two weeks later, sanghyeon and sangwon were still sharing the same bed.
and considerably, they’ve gotten closer.
anxin can’t tell if they’re as close as he and sangwon were, but they were close. sanghyeon isn’t afraid to touch or tease sangwon now, always hanging off of him.
anxin can’t believe this is the boy who was just saying sangwon was awkward with him bravely on national television only a month ago. it’s crazy how little of a time it takes to make everything right, or cause everything to go terribly wrong.
he doesn’t know quite where his and sangwon’s is leading towards.
…
anxin changes, shuffling on his jacket before grabbing his backpack and closing the door behind him.
“is breakfast here yet?” he calls out.
“kitchen!” sangwon answers, and anxin goes.
sangwon is freshly showered, the scent of him spreading everywhere around the kitchen, jacket and shawl sprawled carelessly on the couch. he’s moving around the kitchen to set up the table, he passes anxin a fork, “let’s be quick.”
“sanghyeonie?” anxin asks, sitting down.
sangwon grabs the glasses and the flask, setting them down before taking the seat opposite to anxin. “showering. xinlong woke up, they said they’d be right behind us.”
it’s just us then?
they eat silently, sangwon switching off the alarms on his phone, skims through his notifications before swiping them out of sight.
anxin thinks about the tired sangwon that'd followed behind sanghyeon, begins, “hyung, you looked tired when you came out, you don’t have to - we don’t have to go together - i can go myself.”
sangwon frowns, chewing behind a hand. sips on his drink before tsking, “i wouldn’t do that.” he waves him off lightly, “i wanted to get some extra hours in before ssaem came in anyway.”
you were literally perfect. we both were. “no, because - “ anxin starts, gesturing too quickly, trying to explain and also forcing himself not to meet sangwon’s eyes - those dangerously beautiful eyes - and in the process, knocks his coffee over.
sangwon’s hand swiftly moves to catch his to hold it up before the heat of it touched him.
anxin brain catches on and he stands abruptly, pulling sangwon away with him. the cup tips and crashes, coffee spilling onto the floor where sangwon had been sitting a moment ago.
they stare at the mess.
the sound of the drip echoing in the quiet space of their kitchen.
“it’s okay,” sangwon says, rubbing a thumb on anxin’s knuckle. speaking even before anxin could, “that was a good save. both of us - i saved your hand, you saved my imported couture crop top leo’s mother sent me, that was good.”
anxin snaps his head over to look sangwon over, exaggeratedly breathing out in relief when he fails to spot a single drop on sangwon.
the older laughs, scrunching his nose. “yes, good job.” his shoulders slump, “let’s clean up?”
anxin, you fucking idiot.
“sorry, hyung. i didn’t - pay attention.”
sangwon hadn’t let go of anxin’s hand yet. he presses tightly, “it’s okay. you don’t know how many times i’ve knocked over drinks in my time as a barista and other times, happens to the best and worst of us - and listen, i’m really just glad we didn’t burn ourselves because that would’ve been the real catastrophe.”
anxin bites down on his lips, trying to not smile, “yeah, thanks for that.”
sangwon looks at him, then laughs, letting go. “you’re cute.” he knocks a fist on anxin’s shoulder, “relax. it’s okay, it’s just spilled coffee. it’s just me, and guess what?” he checks anxin out, “it’s just you.”
anxin can’t stop his smile this time, and fakes a shiver.
he rubs at his chin, “this is going to be… cleaning this will take us time. we might end up just leaving with the others.”
sangwon glances up at the clock, “well, we tried. we can just go over the moves in the sitting room and wait for the others there, drink coffee and everything.” he gathers the takeout boxes that’d suffered from the spill, “clean and reorganize breakfast first.”
anxin removes his jacket, folding it over where sangwon’s garments were kept, nodding.
sangwon coughs out an awkward laugh before disappearing into the kitchen, protesting when anxin follows him for reasons the younger can’t ask or tell why.
…
anxin laughs a lot, cleaning with sangwon.
they both make too much of a mess of themselves by the end of it.
sanghyeon and xinlong comes out looking fresh and clean, only for anxin to purse their lips around their laughters and go into their rooms to shower again.
…
they’re fine.
anxin can work everything out.
for now, it brought him happiness and settled the unease in him knowing sangwon and him were just fine.
and even when sangwon didn’t have to make a mess of himself using the soap, he had. and by the look on his face when anxin finally laughed, it had been purposeful. a deliberate action to incite anxin to fall back into being comfortable again.
the little bright light in anxin blooms again.
they’re okay.
anxin will just have to work harder - do something, anything - to make them even better.
…
and anxin will learn how to not grow used to the sound of jealousy when it's kept quiet.
…