Archive of Our Own

Yoshiki could have sworn he kicked his blanket off before he fell asleep. But here he was, woken up from a dream that was too short, sweating his ass off in the summer heat. His pillow felt clammy under his cheeks.

With his eyes still closed, he smacked his lips and tried to rub some of the drool off of his face. The pillow, however, was rather resistant. And unabsorbent. And it moved.

Startled, Yoshiki gasped and tried to jump out of bed. But the 'blankets' which were wrapped around him didn't budge. His eyes, now blown wide with adrenaline, focused on two fiery embers in the dark. Eye shine. Hikaru's eye shine.

"Hi," 'Hikaru greeted. His voice sounded loud in the quiet of the night.

It took every ounce of Yoshiki's self control to swallow whatever girlish shriek was certain to escape him. He did opt to shove halfheartedly at Hikaru's motionless form, fruitless as it would be.

Hikaru merely huffed at the disturbance, raised his hand from where it had been wrapped around Yoshiki's midsection and rested it on Yoshiki's cheek.

Yoshiki wanted to say something scathing, but couldn't articulate anything beyond a grumbled, "What the hell, man?" as he blinked some of the blurry sleep from his eyes. Hikaru was heavy and warm, and there were about a million more reasons why this sucked.

Hikaru rubbed his thumbs across Yoshiki's face. The twin glints of a dying red star remained focused across from him. "Yer warm," is all Hikaru said.

"Alright," Yoshiki said. Now properly awake and full of heart pumping adrenaline, he pulled himself from Hikaru's grip and settled back down a good, platonic distance away from his undead best friend. "Yer freakin' me out."

In the dark, Yoshiki could just barely make out the shape of Hikaru's body. One of his hands had managed to reconnect with Yoshiki's waist and had gripped the bottom hem of his shirt.

"You, uh-" Yoshiki tried to get the image of being caressed in his sleep out of his head. "Ya good, man?"

"Better now," Hikaru said. His fingers kneaded Yoshiki's shirt.

"And you umm…" Yoshiki hummed into the darkness. "You broke into my house?" He glanced at his clock. "At three in the morning?"

"Actually, it was only one thirty," Hikaru helpfully answered. "And I didn't break in. I'm not an animal. Yer ma gave me a key, remember?"

"Right," Yoshiki reached for his lamp and flicked it on. His room was suddenly plunged in a warm glow. "An' that was what? Four years ago?"

"Somethin' like that," Hikaru agreed.

Now properly illuminated, Yoshiki could see the tightness on Hikaru's face.

"Ya know," Yoshiki said as gently as he could. There was no telling how much Hikaru could clearly remember. "The key was only for emergencies."

Hikaru only nodded, and his fist tightened.

"Ah- yer gonna stretch this one out, too," Yoshiki complained as he reached down to loosen Hikaru's grip.

"Sorry," Hikaru mumbled.

Yoshiki chewed the inside of his cheek. It was strange for Hikaru to feel bad about that. A normal, cheery Hikaru would have stretched it out even further without remorse.

Yoshiki tried to think of a reason Hikaru might be here, but to be honest, Hikaru was such an enigma of a thing. There was no telling what the driving force behind this behavior could be.

He reached out and pulled Hikaru up from the bed. "Come on," Yoshiki grunted. "Sit up, ya dope."

Hikaru let himself be manipulated and actually obediently sat next to Yoshiki. Which was also weird. Hikaru was usually agreeable, but never this quiet and compliant.

But, Hikaru had not let his gaze wander from anything but Yoshiki. The attention made Yoshiki's face heat up, and he had trouble keeping his mind on track. He took some time to try and get his thoughts in order.

"So, why did ya come over?" Yoshiki finally asked.

From the corner of his eye, Yoshiki could see Hikaru's bottom lip wobble, and it made his whole chest tighten.

"Ah-" Yoshiki panicked, "don't uh- don't answer that if ya can't." He twiddled his thumbs. "Ya coulda called me, instead?" he offered. "Ya know?"

"I already tried that," Hikaru answered miserably. "Ya didn't answer, an' then… Ya always look so tired an' I didn't wanna wake ya up, so I uh-"

"You decided to pay me a visit," Yoshiki concluded.

"…" Hikaru's stare was intense.

"Don't forget ta blink," Yoshiki offered. "Yer not gonna feel any better if ya get dry eyes."

Hikaru's lips parted as if he had been offered a ground breaking discovery. "Ah- that's right." He squished his eyes closed and rubbed them. "I guess they do burn a lil bit."

"Do you want any water or-" Yoshiki paused to wander what exactly a creature which did not necessarily require water to survive might want in the middle of the night. "How about a snack? We have some leftover buns from the convenience store."

Hikaru just shook his head. "No, no. Don't need any of that."

"You uh- just want to stay sittin' here?"

"Uh huh," Hikaru confirmed. "It's… I needed ta see ya is all."

What was already probably a dusting of a blush on Yoshiki's face had erupted into a rich red. His cheeks felt hot enough to steam rice, and his stomach did this awful flip-flop.

"Okay," Yoshiki voiced, more to himself than anything as he tried to grapple with Hikaru's needs. "Did- did I do somethin' to worry ya?"

Hikaru huffed a laugh. "Nah." Hikaru's smile was soft, but his eyes looked wet and irritated. Something was clearly bothering him.

"Well, if its not that, then…" Yoshiki anxiously rubbed his thighs. "Did ya- do something ah- bad?"

Hikaru cocked his head at the question.

"Ya know." Yoshiki swallowed thickly and forced his eyes to the ground under his feet. He lowered his voice, fearful of listening ears. "Like with old lady Matsuura."

"Oh!" Hikaru's eyes widened with understanding. "Nah. I ain't done anythin' like that in a while. Ya don't like it."

Yoshiki grimaced. "It's not about me not likin' it, its just-" He brought his arms up in an aborted shrug. "Its like- ya just don't do that? I don't know how to explain it."

Hikaru hummed. "I don't get why humans are so hung up on it. But its kinda nice that ya don't really understand it, too." He leaned to his side and let his weight rest on Yoshiki. "I'm thinkin' it might be somethin' instinctual with y'all."

Desperate to ignore the warm weight that was practically hanging off of his shoulder, Yoshiki changed the subject. "I can't really help ya if ya don't give me anythin' ta work with."

"Yer already helpin' me," Hikaru denied. His chest rose and fell as he took a deep, shuddering breath. "Like I said. Just needed ta see ya."

Right. So something happened that made Hikaru need to confirm something about Yoshiki. He groaned inwardly and let Hikaru bury further into his side.

"Yer needy," he accused.

"Maybe I am," Hikaru readily agreed. "If bein' needy is what gets me this, then so be it."

But what could it be that Hikaru needed to confirm? If it was something surface level and physical, a picture would have sufficed. And if he needed to talk about something, he wouldn't have waited this long… sitting in bed… curled up and around… He was pretty sure one of Hikaru's legs was settled between Yoshiki's thighs…

"So!" Yoshiki barked, eager to chase away that line of thinking. He ruffled Hikaru's hair. "Get what ya came for?"

Hikaru's lips thinned. "I- think so."

"You… think so?"

"I don't know. I kinda feel like something terrible is gonna happen."

Yoshiki froze. For something like Hikaru, a terrible event would have to be really really bad. "Uh…"

"Like," Hikaru shifted and pressed Yoshiki's hand against the bottom of his ribs. "This feels tight. Like its gonna collapse on itself. I think the body is injured, but I checked. An' the only thing that makes it feel better is you."

Yoshiki's blood ran cold as he half expected Hikaru to split open and spill out of the seam in his chest, ooze out from under his shirt. But he didn't. He only held the hand there, and wow. Yoshiki could see what Hikaru was saying. The muscles were clenched so tight that they were quaking with exertion.

Experimentally, Yoshiki prodded at Hikaru's body through his shirt as Hikaru watched expectantly. Everywhere he touched he was greeted with muscle stretched taut.

"I see what yer sayin'." Yoshiki smiled lightly at Hikaru, turning his body so that he could better face him. "Fortunately fer ya, I have a lot of experience with this."

Hikaru gratefully deflated. "I knew ya'd fix it."

Yoshiki held a hand up to stop him. "Can't fix it. Not without really knowin' what the cause is. But-" Yoshiki held Hikaru's hand. "What ya got is anxiety."

"Anxiety," Hikaru said the word as though it tasted bitter. "I- Hikaru didn't ever really feel like this often-" Yoshiki flinched. "-but logically speaking… I know what it is."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"So, if Hikaru didn't feel anxious often, and yer modeled after Hikaru's personality, that must mean there's something making ya anxious, right? Like it just ain't gonna happen for no reason."

"Not like with ya?" Hikaru asked.

"… I'd rather not talk about that."

"Oh, sorry." Hikaru frowned at the space in the middle of the bedroom. "It's childish."

"No," Yoshiki laughed. "You? Childish?"

"Shuddup," 'Hikaru sputtered. "Weren't ya tryin' ta help me, ya dick."

Yoshiki placed his other hand on Hikaru's. "Just keepin' it light. I won't judge ya for bein' childish. 'Sides. Ya just broke into my room and crawled into my bed like a toddler snugglin' up ta mommy. Ya can't tell me anythin' that's more embarassin' than that."

Hikaru rolled his eyes. "I only did that for like fifteen minutes."

"Wait. But you were here for at least an hour and a half?"

"Yeah, well duh. I wasn't ready to sleep yet, so I just stood in the corner and watched ya."

Yoshiki closed his eyes and groaned. He'd have to talk about personal space at some point.

"What!? I was real polite. Didn't wake no one. Anyway," Hikaru said, "um- How…" He paused as he tried to organize his words. Yoshiki just let his fingers run along his hand. "Is it okay if… we talk about him."

Yoshiki cringed. "Is he what's botherin' ya?"

Hikaru breathed through his nose. "Not really, but-" His lip trembled. "His memories… I keep having nightmares from them."

Yoshiki's eyes widened. He never knew Hikaru had any trauma. He did lose his dad, and that sucked a lot but…

Hikaru took his hand out of Yoshiki's grasp and roughly scrubbed at his face. "Sorry. This is probly gross, isn't it. Weird. I should stop."

Yoshiki watched him gather his wits. He wiped snot on the back of his arm and hiccuped a few times. His eyes were red. Not monstrously red, but humanly, sadly red. It did horrible things to his heart.

"Nah," Yoshiki said in the softest voice he could muster. "Yer weird, but if I didn't wanna deal with any weirdness, I wouldn't hang around with ya."

Hikaru sniffled and tried to smile. It was an overwhelmingly ugly face, nose red and running and his cheeks pinched. It was hard not to pull him into a hug.

"Aw, ya know just what to say," Hikaru laughed, but it sounded like the kinda laugh someone would make at a funeral. Wet and choked.

"Seriously," Yoshiki insisted. "Yer weird, but I don't mind it." He looked at the ground and tried to will his blush into non-existence. Hikaru was making all these sorts of pathetic faces in his best friend's corpse for fucks sake. He would not, under any circumstance, consider it endearing. "It's nice havin' ya around 'n' all."

Hikaru sniffled some more. "Thanks," he said.

Yoshiki wrung his hands and watched as his knuckles were bleached white under the strain. "So, yer nightmares?"

Hikaru sat up straight and took a deep breath through his mouth. "I don't know how to word this best, but I been dreamin' a lot about that night."

Yoshiki refused to look Hikaru in the eyes, so he settled on glaring at his knees. "That night?"

"The night I died."

Yoshiki swallowed. "You mean the night Hikaru died?"

"… yeah."

"Oh." Yoshiki was definitely not qualified to talk about something this heavy.

"It used ta not bother me much. I actually used ta look forward to it. Dreamin' an' all. Its… a strange experience. Like a lifetime spent in a moment. I used ta not really care what I dreamt about. Just that I was."

Yoshiki leaned forward and rested his weight on his arms, hands pressed against his mouth. Trying to hide his discomfort. He hoped it worked. "So uh-" he sounded muffled. "What changed?"

"The dreams started ta get bad."

Yoshiki tried to imagine a time when a dream about a death you very much actually had would not be considered a bad dream. "Uh huh."

"Like…" Hikaru leaned forward, too. From his peripheral, Yoshiki could spy the way Hikaru's shoulders were caving in. "It started… I started…" His voice was clipped and frustrated. "Hikaru… we… This is…" He coughed and grunted and bent over with his hands over his head. "This is hard ta talk about in normal terms." He sounded so defeated.

Yoshiki decided now might be a good time for creature comforts. He needed a chance to get his head on straight, and honestly? Tissues were a must. If Hikaru was gonna spend all night crying, then he'd probably be more comfortable with a dry face. That, and he really really needed to offer Hikaru something. Seeing him so sad was just gut wrenching.

"You can use whatever terms you need," Yoshiki promised. "I'm going to go get us some things. Why don't ya figure out what yer gonna say." He stood up and ruffled Hikaru's hair again. "Okay?"

"Yer leavin'?"

"Just fer a moment."

Hikaru's body was tense under Yoshiki's palm. "Promise you'll come back?"

Yoshiki stooped low and cupped his cheek. It felt clammy and gross, but it was so Hikaru that he couldn't hold it against him. Brushing some unshed tears, Yoshiki said, "I promise."

Hikaru sucked in an awfully wet sounding breath through his nose and gagged on some snot. "Guh," he said. "I'm really-" He pulled away and scrubbed roughly at his face again. "-not used ta this. Sorry fer leakin' everywhere."

"Don't call it that," Yoshiki admonished gently. "That sounds worse than just admittin' ya were cryin'."

"Heh heh." Hikaru gave him a warbly smile. "Yeah, sounds kinda raunchy."

Yoshiki smiled back at him. "I'll be gone fer just a minute, okay?"

Hikaru's smile faded, but he nodded resolutely anyway.

Yoshiki stepped back, and after a moments consideration, fished the half-of-Hikaru's-insides out from where he had stashed it in his desk. "I'll take this with me," Yoshiki said as he held out the little shard of bone. Shadow spun out of it like yarn unspooled. "That way yer like… right in my pocket, yeah? Not that far at all."

Hikaru nodded again. "Can kinda feel it if I concentrate," he said quietly. "Like a very distant arm."

Yoshiki smiled. "Then you'll know exactly where I am," he said as he slipped it into his pants pocket.

Some of the tension in Hikaru's posture melted away. "Yer too nice ta me."

"Nah," Yoshiki deflected. "Just doin' what I wanna do." He opened his bedroom door. "Be right back, okay?"

"'kay."

Yoshiki quietly clicked the door shut behind him and padded down the hall to the bathroom. There, he pilfered a hand towel and some tissues. Then, he made his way down the hall to the kitchen and poured a glass of water.

He spied Kaoru's bedroom light from beneath her door, and decided that he would very much like to strike a deal with his little sister.

Now, no longer sneaking through the house like a burglar, he stepped heavily up to his sister's door and knocked lightly with two knuckles.

He heard her chair squeak as her shadow blocked the light and the door opened a crack.

"What," she said. "Its three in the mornin'."

"I know you have a stash of candy in there."

"Do not."

"An' I wanna strike a deal."

Her eyes glimmered in the low light, like a shark smelling blood. "Ya don't like sweets," she grinned. "Ya got a girl in yer room?"

"What!?" Yoshiki panicked. Tissues and a towel were tucked shamelessly under his arm. "No! This isn't- this isn't what it looks like."

"Mm hmm." Kaoru opened the door to her room fully and rocked back on her heels. "Whatever ya say, big bro."

"No," Yoshiki whispered forcefully. "I'm serious. Hikaru's over an'-" His mind spun up as he tried to think of a convincing lie. "He just broke up with his girlfriend. Cryin' like a baby."

"Gross." She wrinkled her nose.

"Thought somethin' sweet might cheer him up."

"Then go get something sweet," Kaoru countered. "I ain't got nothin' in here."

"Please, Kaoru," Yoshiki begged with his free hand folded in the air like half of a prayer. "Ya know I don't keep nothin' like that on me. An' he's real tore up."

"No way. He's annoyin'." Kaoru crossed her arms. "An' like- super loud an' stuff."

"For me?" Yoshiki fixed her with his best glassy-eyed, pleading stare. "For yer big bro?"

Kaoru threw her head back and groaned dramatically. "Fine, but ya owe me double what ya take. Wait here." She then promptly closed the door in Yoshiki's face. A few seconds later, the door reopened a crack, and she shoved a heavy tote bag through the gap.

Yoshiki quickly threaded his arm through the handles before Kaoru could reconsider. Plastic wrappers crinkled from within its depths.

"Don't say I ain't ever done nothin' for ya," Kaoru said. Her eyes were fixed straight forward, emotionally constipated as ever. "An' tell Hikaru that I hope he feels better."

"Thanks," Yoshiki said earnestly. "I'll make this up ta ya ten-fold."

"Better," she agreed. And the door was unceremoniously shut once again. Kaoru's shadow disappeared from beneath the door, and he could hear her chair creak as she sat back down to continue doing whatever the hell it was she did.

Offerings in hand, Yoshiki silently picked his way back to his bedroom. It took a bit of shuffling to get everything arranged so he could have a free hand to open the door, but he stepped through the threshold triumphant.

Hikaru had stayed right where Yoshiki had left him, and his eyes were glittering with tears, but he looked so relieved to see Yoshiki again that it about made him melt.

"Okay," Yoshiki said quietly as he pushed the door shut with his hip. He set the bag at Hikaru's feet, the glass of water and tissues on the table, and handed Hikaru the towel. "Supply run complete."

"Nerd." Hikaru grinned. He rubbed his face and bare arms with the towel.

"Hope ya didn't miss me too bad."

Hikaru's grin faltered. "It weren't too bad," he said.

Yoshiki settled back into his spot and rested his elbows on his knees. He picked a spot on the carpet to stare at. Hikaru helped himself to some tissues. After a moment, Yoshiki realized that Hikaru was just amassing a pile of spent tissues on the bed, and he quickly grabbed the waste bin from under his desk.

"Don't be so gross, man."

"Sorry." He dumped the small hill of tissues into the basket.

"An' ya don't gotta be so sorry." Yoshiki rested his hand on Hikaru's back. "Yer just sad."

Like a cat, Hikaru leaned into the touch. His breaths were shaky.

"So…" Yoshiki rubbed Hikaru's back, running his fingers over the bones. "Ya been dreamin' of dyin'."

Hikaru nodded.

"But that ain't what bothers ya?"

Hikaru nodded again. "Dyin' ain't that scary," he mumbled.

Yoshiki continued rubbing his back as he contemplated this. "So what is?"

"We didn't-" 'Hikaru stopped himself. "He didn't want ya ta be alone."

Oh. Ohhhh. That's why Hikaru broke into his house. Yoshiki felt a lump form in his throat.

"An' in my dream, we… I can't fix it. I can't fix the body. An' we're stuck. An' Hikaru's dyin' an' so he gets ta leave but I can't an'…" Hikaru's whole body shuddered. Yoshiki stilled his hand. "I can't just abandon ya, so I try an' I try an' nothin' works.

"It's like… ya live on ya know? But… we can't… I can't be there for ya. An' it hurts 'cause I'm just stuck on the mountain."

"Alone?"

"Alone." Hikaru confirmed. "An' it weren't like it was before 'cause now I got Hikaru in me, an' I'm aware of the loneliness and we just-" Hikaru choked. "He just really didn't want ta leave ya alone. I- feel bad fer him. An' I feel bad fer ya. An' I try so hard to get the body movin' but it just won't."

Yoshiki turned his body and wrapped his arm around Hikaru's shoulders. That was about all the invitation Hikaru needed, because he threw himself into the embrace in a heart beat.

Yoshiki rested his chin on Hikaru's head while Hikaru quietly cried into his collar. His grip was tight, like he was afraid Yoshiki might disappear any second. What composure Yoshiki had managed to build shattered, and tears started dripping down his chin.

"The body just…" Hikaru hiccuped. "It just hurts. An' its mind hurts. An' it makes me hurt."

Yoshiki cradled Hikaru, swaying their bodies back and forth in a desperate attempt to alleviate some of the tension. "Yer alright," he promised. "Yer here, okay?"

Hikaru choked on a sob and slid further into Yoshiki's chest.

"I'm here. An' we're all okay."

Hikaru's arms started shaking he was hanging on so tightly. "Hikaru's not."

Yoshiki's throat clenched, and despite his best efforts, he choked, too. "He's not, but it's okay."

"Ah." Hikaru laughed tightly. "Yer cryin'." His fingers gripped the back of Yoshiki's shirt. "I'm just fuckin' all this up. I was supposed ta-" He hiccuped. "Ya weren't even supposed ta notice. I was supposed ta replace him. An' ya weren't ever supposed ta be alone."

It wasn't right, couldn't be right, to get mad, but Yoshiki did feel a bubble of irritation form in his gut.

"Ya can't replace him," Yoshiki pressed.

"… I know that now… but its… its different in the dream. Its like I gotta- I gotta replace him. I gotta find ya. But I can't."

"Hey." Yoshiki shifted and somehow managed to purchase enough space to tip Hikaru's face up to meet his. "I'm not alone. An' neither are ya."

Hikaru's eyes were swollen and red. His cheeks blotchy with color. His nose was definitely running again.

"Yer doin' fine," Yoshiki emphasized. "Yer doin' okay."

"But-"

"Dreams ain't real," Yoshiki interrupted. "They can hurt ya, but they ain't real. Yer okay, I promise."

Hikaru sniffed and rubbed his arm across his face again.

Yoshiki cringed at the wet streak it left. "Tissues, Hikaru. I got ya tissues."

"Sorry. Just didn't wanna- didn't-" He broke into shaking sobs again, quiet enough that it wouldn't wake Yoshiki's parents, but loud enough to make Yoshiki's heart hammer against his sternum.

He pulled Hikaru close again, rocking him gently. "Yer okay," he repeated the mantra. "I'm here, an' yer here, an' we're both okay."

He held onto him until Hikaru's shoulders stopped shaking, long after the sobs had calmed down.

"Yer warm," Hikaru observed again, voice rough from crying. "I like it."

Yoshiki felt himself blush again. Which was stupid, and he should hate that. Should… "Don't say stuff like that," he whispered into Hikaru's hair. It was sticky and damp with sweat. It smelled heavily of Hikaru's natural, teenage musk. But it was a fabrication. Just a side effect of the creature inside the body.

"Its true, though. Calms me down." Never fully removing his face from Yoshiki's chest, he tilted his head and stared into Yoshiki's eyes. "Yer insides sound nice, too."

That, Yoshiki decided, was officially more than he could handle. He shoved Hikaru back and purchased a solid hand length's of space. He quickly averted his gaze and studied the way his hands, his empty hands, trembled. He had to still them.

"Sorry," Hikaru scrubbed his face with the towel again. "Its just… yer real handsome, ya know that? I dunno why ya get so upset about it." Yoshiki could feel his stare drilling into his flesh.

"Ya just… ya don't know me. Ya really don't, okay?" He sucked in a sharp, bitter breath. "But uh- thank you. Anyway. I'm-" His lip cramped and wobbled. "I'm glad I could help ya."

Hikaru smiled so brightly it was easy to forget he had just been crying earlier. "Yer glowin'," he stated as it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Is that right?" Yoshiki laughed, a nervous, desperate sound. It quieted too fast, too quickly. The facade of mirth aborted as soon as it was in place. His stomach cramped terribly, and his eyes burned. "Are ya feelin' better?"

Hikaru hummed introspectively. "I think so but-"

Yoshiki raised an eyebrow. "But?"

"Can I stay here tonight?" Hikaru looked at him with bright, pleading eyes. "I promise I'll be quiet. I just… don't wanna leave ya, yet."

Yoshiki flinched. This was a bad idea on so many levels. He really didn't want Hikaru to get any more attached. But he also couldn't stand the thought of pushing him away either. Not when he was looking at Yoshiki like he was his anchor.

He heaved a world weary sigh. "Stay as long as ya like."

Hikaru positively beamed. He threw his arms around Yoshiki, and that little bit of personal space he had gained was lost in an instant. Even as he protested, Hikaru's grip became tighter and more insistent. "Thank you," Hikaru said into the shoulder of his shirt.

"Yer a damn octopus," Yoshiki scathed, but he was smiling into space anyway. Wasn't like Hikaru could see it, so he didn't need to hide it.

Hikaru just hummed, the vibration of his voice cutting through Yoshiki like butter. Like it was lighting something up inside him.

Yoshiki mentally shook himself and pried Hikaru away. He did not have the time nor energy to unpack how he felt about any of that, so instead he stood up and pulled the spare futon out from his closet.

"Awwww…" Hikaru pouted from his perch on the bed.

"Don't awwww me," Yoshiki said as he spread the futon on the floor. "Its almost four in the mornin', and unlike some people, I actually need ta sleep."

After preparing the futon for Hikaru, Yoshiki dropped himself back onto the bed and fished around Kaoru's tote bag. He grabbed himself pack of sesame chips and passed it along to Hikaru who of course instantly zeroed in on the sour gummies. Hikaru never really liked them… but Hikaru…

Hikaru was different. Enamored with the world and everything mundane. Even the biting sharp sensation of the sour crystals were just another novel sensation for him to enjoy.

Just like dreams were.

Just like anxiety.

And comfort from loved ones.

Yoshiki silently watched Hikaru devour the candies like a man starved, before he rifled through the tote bag again. Pulling each snack out to inspect the packaging and replacing ones he didn't feel like trying.

Yoshiki brushed Hikaru's leg with his foot. "Hey."

"Hmm?"

"Keep the wrappers from whatever ya eat. Kaoru will kill me if I don't replace anythin' in there."

Hikaru flashed him a goofy grin. "Yer gonna regret promisin' her that. I'm 'bout ta eat this whole thing."

Yoshiki watched as Hikaru held the bag aloft, its weight obvious by the way it bulged. His chest felt warm and fuzzy, like he did something right for once in his miserable existence. Then, almost as soon as he thought that, his heart fell. He was doing the right thing, right? For the right reasons?

Tired, he reclined in the bed and tried his best to push those thoughts away.

"Yer sleepin' now?" Hikaru asked around a mouthful of… something. It smelled like strawberry syrup.

Yoshiki drew a deep breath and centered himself. "Yeah. School's in like… a few hours."

Hikaru reached over Yoshiki's head and turned the lamp off. His eyes still burned red in the dark. "Night." Plastic wrappers rustled in the dark, and the weight from Hikaru shifted and left the bed.

"Night," Yoshiki mumbled at Hikaru's back. He was settling down into the futon, noisily. Clumsily.

"… can ya see in the dark?"

"Huh? Uh- no?"

"Just curious." Yoshiki let his arm hang from his bed, brushing against the futon. "Yer eyes shine, an' I was wonderin' if that made it easier ta see."

Hikaru chuckled darkly, peeling open another snack. "Nope. This is a human body with all the normal human equipment. Eyesight included." Something cracked between his teeth. "Oh- this one's real bitter."

Yoshiki's lips tugged into a smile. "That's Kaoru for ya."

"Mm hmm."

The silence stretched between them, only punctuated by the sounds of plastic and the occasional crunch.

"I can feel ya starin' at the back a my head." Yoshiki caught a glimpse of red in the dark as Hikaru turned around. "Ya should really sleep."

"And you?"

Hikaru grunted and chewed a hard candy. His teeth clacked against it loudly.

"It'd make it easier fer me ta sleep if you were sleepin' too."

Hikaru made a displeased sound in his throat and finally chewed up whatever poor piece of candy he had. But rather than grace Yoshiki with an answer, he simply slid into the futon.

Yoshiki listened to the sounds of Hikaru breathing, trying to gauge how upset the prospect of sleep was making him. Which was hard to do because one moment Hikaru was breathing, and the next he was dead silent, and then he'd start breathing again like he forgot.

He reached around in the dark, finding Hikaru's shoulder. He let his hand rest on it. "Sweet dreams," he said.

Hikaru gently returned the gesture, nudging the hand with his head and curling into place. "Sweet dreams."

Yoshiki barely slept at all. And when he finally did, he dreamt of pain. Of climbing a mountain and falling. And begging. And dying. And of leaving Hikaru all alone.

And when he woke up, it was to Hikaru sniffling and climbing into bed with him as the birds outside began to stir and sing.

The proximity was wrong. But in the light of the morning, Yoshiki found it hard to care. He was torn and hurt with the memory of his nightmare settling heavy in his heart. And Hikaru's quiet mourning made him feel almost protective.

He shuffled a little closer to the wall, giving Hikaru room to settle in. There was almost no space between them as Hikaru leaned his forehead against Yoshiki's shoulder.

"Bad dream, again?" Yoshiki asked, though he knew the answer already. He cautiously let his arm drape over Hikaru's form.

Hikaru nodded.

"Me too."

Hikaru pulled himself closer, as if their shared body heat in these horrible summer months could chase away all those insecruties. Yoshiki found himself agreeing with the tactic as he settled along the outside curve of Hikaru's body. He felt nice like this. Safe.

He rested his cheek on the top of Hikaru's head and watched as the sun brightened his room. Listened to the birds and the bugs outside. His fan hum. He felt present. And he wasn't going to leave Hikaru all alone. He promised himself that.