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To assume that Evan “Buck” Buckley would have a peaceful night's rest after everything he had endured would be foolish on all accounts. From the ladder truck, to the tsunami, all the way to being struck by lightning- just to name a few- Buck was no doubt allowed to have a few lasting memories that came in the form of nightmarish retellings as he slept. That didn’t mean of course that Buck wanted his sleep to be disturbed by ten-foot tall waves crashing against the walls of his mind, or electricity to fry his brain; unfortunately for him though his brain’s ability to conjure up his worst moments was stronger than his will to dream of tranquility.
They were manageable at first- or as manageable as a bone-chilling hallucinations can possibly be- when it was just flashes of the ladder truck pressing against his leg, of the pain and the helplessness he felt just watching his family only a few feet away but the blockade that was Freddie made it feel like they were continents away. They were frequent at first and Buck woke up multiple times each night and the tsunami hyped up the scariness of it all but by the time he returned to work they happened haphazardly and it never managed to affect his job so he kept that information to himself. After that it was alright for a while, nightmares were few and far between and any that popped up during a work shift didn’t wake anyone else, until his next accident. This time the nightmares were a little harder to shake. As each big life tragedy sprouted in Buck's life it led to night terrors happening more and more frequently, which has accumulated into the present day.
Buck walked into the firehouse for his shift five minutes after it was supposed to start- a feat he blamed on poor traffic but in reality he woke up extremely late because of a severely interrupted sleep and it was nothing short of a miracle that he was only five minutes late. He had eyebags protruding from his face and his hair was unbrushed; in short he looked like death warmed over. Buck made his way directly towards the locker room and pointedly ignored Hen’s questioning gaze as he did so, and quickly changed into his uniform. As he switched out his clothes Buck also tried desperately to keep his eyes open as he didn’t have time to make himself a coffee before leaving and he definitely did not have a moment to hop into one of the many coffee shops he passed on his journey to the firehouse. He desperately needed to make himself a cup when he got upstairs.
Once his uniform was on- which in his exhausted state took double the time it normally took- Buck exited the locker room and headed upstairs with the thoughts of a double espresso swirling through his mind so vividly that Buck could almost smell the aromatic flavours pouring from the coffee machine… that could in hindsight just be somebody else starting the machine up. As he made it up to the loft Buck spied Hen at the coffee machine and she was just waiting next to it for it to finish. The rest of the crew were huddled around near her and they all were wearing matching worried looks upon their faces. Weird.
Buck, deciding to ignore the weird behaviour for now, plastered a big, friendly grin on his face and called out, “hey guys, what’s going on?”
As if they were programmed robots, they all turned to face him simultaneously and just blinked at him as if they were not expecting him to be standing there. It wasn’t a frostiness in their mannerisms per say but more of an illusion that Buck interrupted a secret conversation. He shuffled uncomfortably under everyone's intense glances his way. Bobby broke the trance first and patted an open seat next to where he was standing and beckoned Buck to join them at the table. Wearily Buck obeyed and shuffled across the loft floor until he was seated amongst the rest of his friends, who were now towering over him and peering down at him. Feeling very scrutinized under the watchful eye his friends were forcing on him Buck’s nerves began to increase.
“Are you guys okay?” Buck queried timidly, and it was at that that everyone seemed to snap out of their stupor and Bobby chimed in,
“Buck, are you sleeping okay?”
It was blunt and to the point, like most things Bobby did when he was serious about something, and it made Buck panic slightly. He had deliberately kept this element of his life private from his team because he had never quite shaken the idea that if he had difficulty with something in regard to his health that he would quickly be cast aside by Bobby and the rest of the 118 and treated like a pariah just like what happened after the lawsuit. Granted, the isolation that time was due to the fact that he was a Grade A idiot and decided a lawyer was the step to take before ‘union’ but even when he was injured he was often by himself and felt very lonely. He didn’t want to feel like that again.
Sitting there and watching everyone watch him as they wait for an answer suddenly filled Buck was an overwhelming amount stress because this was his deciding point- will he carry on sneaking around and hiding his issues with sleep all the while Buck stays hoping his friends forget today and never put him in this situation again or is it time to come clean and let himself show this vulnerability with the consequences be damned. There really was only one sensible answer for this predicament.
“I’m confused, where did this come from?”
Deflection- the perfect disguise. There was no need to answer the question with a yes or a no because fake confusion works just as well. As Buck peered around the room he plastered an expression of bewilderment across his face and tried his best to appear as if the conversation had lost him. He felt good about his performance so he almost convinced himself that he had successfully shifted the topics slightly so he didn’t need to answer straight away. That was until he reassessed the looks that his friends were giving him and he slumped his shoulders, defeated.
“I’m fine!”
Buck's tone was defensive and dismissive, he crossed his fingers behind his back. There was still a lack of a response to his captain's question but that was mainly because he was reluctant to give a definitive answer since he didn’t want to lie and say no but he also had kept this secret hidden so perfectly for so long that he wasn’t familiar with sharing his sleeping habits. Bobby said nothing but just stared at Buck harder, the rest of the 118 followed their captains lead until everyone was silently studying Buck and waiting for him to crack- so naturally Buck did. He sighed dramatically and announced,
“Not really, no.”
There it was. His confession was broadcast to the whole room and there was no turning back now. No way to put the words back into his mouth and let his nightmares consume him whole. But Buck knew his time was up and it was time to confess his weakness to his friends because if they forgot his state of being today they would surely remember tomorrow, or next week, or next month but it was inevitable that this conversation would keep replaying the more he denied it.
Everyone’s gazes softened at Buck's confession but before they could ask questions to gauge more of an idea about how much of a problem this was Buck began to word vomit to the crowd.
“I’ve had nightmares since my crush injury but they weren’t really a huge deal because I could manage with them just fine and they only happened every so often but after the tsunami and the lightning and everything else they just happen every night. And it’s over and over multiple times a night so I never get a lot of sleep.”
After his confession Hen pushed through the wall of Buck’s favourite people and just embraced him tightly and the tension in Buck’s shoulder melted away and he slumped against their hold. All of the tension Buck wasn’t even aware that he was holding in suddenly cracked and burst out of him in one fell swoop. This secret had been straining on his mind for far too long but it was only when he was in the embrace of his friend that it finally sunk in. Buck suddenly felt a light pressure on his back and he was confused for a brief moment before realising that the rest of the 118 had joined his hug with Hen so they all became a blend of limbs and clothes.
Nobody was really sure how long the hug lasted, there was no pressure to let go and instead they just took comfort in each other but eventually everyone began to let go, deciding that since this was a conversation that was nowhere near finished that they needed to relocate to a comfier area. Soon enough everyone was sat down around the couches where they were just waiting for Buck to make the first move. As much as Buck did not want this conversation to happen he knew that this had snowballed far beyond reasonable control and that he was not getting out of this conversation anymore- no matter how much he wanted to. Heaving a huge sigh from his chest Buck let everything loose in one gigantic, messy breath.
“I have been having nightmares. I mean technically I have had nightmares for a few years now- ever since the ladder truck- but every new incident I end up involved in just adds to the pile of bad dreams… So I don’t often get a solid night's sleep anymore.”
The words hung heavy in the air as the whole crew absorbed the new information. In reality, the fact that Buck was having issues sleeping because his mind was plagued with high stress situations and past injuries should not come as a surprise to any of them, it made sense that this would be an issue for their friend. On the other hand, Buck was the epitome of a golden retriever in human form who had also never shown any signs of struggle around his sleep or even expressed any sour opinions to anybody at the 118. All of that made his confession quite profound.
Bobby was the first to speak, which made sense since he brought the topic, and questioned, Buck,
“Why haven’t you ever said anything about it?”
Buck just shrugged noncommittally. “I don’t know. It was manageable at first so I didn't need to bring it up, so by the time it started getting worse it didn’t really cross my mind to let anyone know about it.”
Buck could tell from his friends' faces that they had more to say, to tell him that they wouldn’t have judged him or laughed at him. but they must have decided against it. Instead of questioning his motives Bobby spoke up once again,
“Well, there is no shame in getting nightmares, everyone here has gotten nightmares from the job at one point. Next time you have one you shouldn’t hesitate to let at least one of us know- it might even make you feel better.”
Buck nodded, weighing the idea of opening himself up to his friends, and smiled. “Yeah, okay Bobby.”
And that was the end of the conversation- there was no need for tears or interrogations as everyone now was on the same page. Buck no longer carried a secret around with him that affected his day to day life, and the rest of the 118 all learnt a little bit more about their friend as well as understanding that there was something to look out for. They would not be able to solve the issues of Bucks nightmares for him but they would be able to hold him when he was jolted from his tumultuous dreams and share the burden of his mind together.