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Dan leans back against the couch, watching Danny and Ellie fight over the remote. Beside him, Jazz sits curled up with her book, also ignoring their siblings.
Dan watches them. He loves being here with them, is beyond grateful that Clockwork gave him a second chance, that Danny agreed to it, that Jazz has been nothing but supportive, that Ellie isn’t afraid to tease him.
But he’s also terrified that he’ll mess up. He’s not just do-goody Phantom, afterall. He’s also got a part of Plasmius in him. And the Plasmius of this timeline is still just as cruel and narcissistic. So how can Dan know that he’s actually changed? How can he know that he won’t mess up? Is he being selfish by staying with them? Vlad would do anything to get what he wants. Is that not what Dan’s doing? Putting what he wants ahead of what’s best for his siblings?
He’s killed a lot of people. They may have been a part of a no longer existing timeline. But he still did it. Does it matter that he regrets it now? Jazz would say it does, that what matters is how he chooses to live now.
But she’s always seen the best in people, always been optimistic.
He doesn’t want to hurt his family. He’s so afraid he will one day.
He has nightmares about it. He dreams of fighting Danny into the ground, of blasting Ellie until she dissolves, of breaking Jazz’s neck.
It’s so strange. When he was just a ghost he never used to dream, but now that he’s in this cloned body that they stole from Vlad he dreams every night. They’re not always bad dreams, but the nightmares always stick with him, follow him through the day.
He wonders sometimes, if his siblings would be better off if he left. If he just flew deep into the Zone where he can’t possibly hurt anyone he loves.
Does staying here with them make him a bad person? Does it make him selfish?
He doesn’t know. His siblings would say no, but they love hims so he isn’t sure if he can trust them on that.
He just knows that he loves his siblings, and that they, for some reason he still hasn’t completely come to terms with, love him.
He knows that he’ll defend them with his life. And maybe that’s what makes the difference. Instead of killing to assuage his own pain, he’s willing to die for his family.
He doesn’t know. But maybe it doesn’t matter. Jazz always tells him to live day by day. To try each day to be a good person.
Maybe one day he’ll feel comfortable calling himself good, calling himself redeemed. Maybe one day he’ll stop seeing himself as a monster. He’ll stop having nightmares about what he could become.
But for now, he’ll sit with his siblings as they argue over what movie to watch.
He’ll sit with them, and he’ll love them, and he’ll let them love him.