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Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is such an odd, hurting thing.
It feels like someone took a knife and stabbed you in your stomach, and your heart is beating at this reckless pace and everything is going too fast and too slow and all of a sudden you are too close with this certain person, and then you let go and the moment is gone too fast. And then, to add on to this already egregious feeling, there is the never ending hurt of all your feelings at once, and it’s dizzying, and the only rational thing you can do is sit and cry.
Even things as simple as a glance across the classroom, a shared moment of laughter, hands brushing casually and intertwining with each other makes your heart beat like there is no tomorrow, and you will only ever live in this moment for the rest of your life.
But time is a cruel, constantly moving thing, and when the other goes back to his work, there is a caving emptiness filling you up, and all the love you had beforehand turned into contempt and hate for this person you had once idolized.
And right now, when your lips touch the other’s, you truly come to think about all the decisions which have led to this moment, and you think about whether they really mean it or not, if they still kiss you only to make you feel better.
In this reverie of love you are not your own, but simply an object made to desire the person you love(d).
There is no time however, and as the short kiss ends, maybe life will go back to how it always was, and your love will be crushed like a fall leaf on the street. But for now, there is a moment. And you will forever live in this moment in your head.
— — —
Ivan looked at Till, who looked personally shocked, and victimized, even though he was the one who initiated the kiss.
— — —
It all started in first grade, which had passed by like wind in the air- a blur of time for Ivan. The endless photo shoots and modeling, the non stop studying to be the top of his first grade class. I mean, come on!
But then, one day, his life changed. And if he was being honest, Ivan didn’t know whether it was for the better or for the worst.
As Io, his makeup artist for shoots, put on his makeup, a young boy walked into the room. His resemblance to Io was striking, so Ivan figured he was her son. As always, he was right.
The young boy walked up to Io, laughing, and asked for an applesauce packet. Quickly, but still kindly, she shushed him away, pushing him a little closer to the exit door.
“Till, no, come on. You can’t be here…” Io mumbled in Till’s ear, pushing him towards the exit gently.
The young boy, who Ivan presumed was Till, looked at Ivan, making eye contact with him. He smiled at Ivan, walking towards the uplifted black chair.
“Pretty!” His eyes sparkled as he said it, and Ivan smiled gently, his little snaggletooth poking out of his mouth.
“Thanks! You too!” Ivan slowly started to get out of the chair, but Io gently put him back on.
“You can play with him after the shoot, okay, honey?” Io said, dusting on powder from the compact.
– – –
“Till, wait!” Ivan yelled after Till, who was currently walking away. He seemed to be crying, and he sped up his pace.
“Till!”
The other boy finally turned around, his eyes locking on Ivan’s. “It was a mistake, I-I’m not gay. That’s unnatural. It’s not my fault you don’t like girls, okay?” Till looked away, wiping his tears and mumbling prayers under his breath. He clutched his cross in his right hand, tears streaming down his face. Ivan heard small snippets, “God forgive me…” and “God save me from this sin, even though I love committing it.”
Ivan had always wanted Till, but he didn’t want to be a sin to Till, he didn’t want to see Till crying every time they kissed.
He fell silent, not knowing what to say. In the five years that he had been out to Till, he’d never said something as shitty as that to him. Ever.
Sure, he had made weird passing remarks, but Ivan just accounted that to the extremely religious background Till had come from, and let it pass.
But this- this was just cruel. This felt almost like a calculated dig at him. This sounded like something his father would say- Ivan would have never imagined it coming out of the mouth of his best friend.
“Okay. I’m sorry, Till.”
And with that, Ivan walked away.
— — —
10 missed calls from “Till 💗”
Till 💗: ivan im sorry
Till 💗: ivan pls
Till 💗: i didn’t mean it like that
Till 💗: ivan i was in shock
Till 💗: you have to understand, im stupid. im a stupid kid. i just- you know my background.
— — —
Ivan stared at the message with contempt. His eyes flickered to the almost glaring red block button, which seemed to be calling to him.
— — —
He, in fact, did not end up blocking Till.
— — —
“Ivan!” Till called out, chasing after Ivan, who was leaving his biology class. But Ivan never glanced back, he just kept on walking. “Ivan, please talk to me.”
The whiny tone in Till’s voice is what finally made Ivan turn around. “What?”
“Ivan, you don’t understand.” He said.
“What is there to understand?” Ivan mumbled coldly. “You kissed me, then was super rude to me, and walked away. There’s nothing that I could possibly comprehend right now.”
“I’m sorry Ivan. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I love you, Ivan.” Till started tearing up, wiping his face on his long sleeve.
“No, you don’t.” Ivan mumbled. “I’ll… talk to you later, Till.”
— — —
They never really talked again.