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Dear Kagura-chan,
Thank you for your lovely postcard! It was wonderful to hear from you, and – as always! – ever so exciting to read all about your latest adventures. It certainly does sound like you’re enjoying yourself! I’d almost wish I was right there with you, but it’s been rather nice and sunny in Edo recently, and truthfully I’d much prefer that to the endless blood-rain monsoons of Gleshan Z10.
I’ve stuck that poster you sent me (very impressive!) to the fridge, and now whenever I’m getting ready to cook another unforgettably delicious meal for Shin-chan and me to enjoy together, I look at it, and I think to myself: Who would have imagined our very own Kagura-chan would grow up to become the unbeatable Razor-Tooth Hotblood Champion of the legendary intergalactic gladiatorial rings of SteelFang Alpha X5? Well, it’s a silly question, really – I think Shin-chan was the only person surprised by your news! Personally I always knew you were destined for great and dangerous things, so I wasn’t at all surprised to hear how well you’ve been doing for yourself, nor that you’ve already established a base of respect, influence, and brute power that’s earned the whole-hearted yet fearful admiration of several star systems.
We’ve had a quiet few weeks here in Edo since my last letter. Shin-chan and I have expanded the courses at the dojo from chocolate macadamia training to include chocolate almond training too, and it seems to be going well so far. Would you believe there’s a whole sector of society that really truly prefers almond-style to macadamia-style, Kagura-chan? Honestly, I’ve seen it with my own eyes and I can still hardly believe it! And Kyuu-chan barely escaped seppuku for skipping some deadly dull high-society banquet last week, even though it would only have been hours of awful old men telling everyone about their ulcers, or their gallstones, or goodness only knows what else... and I’m sure we had a far more interesting night out and about in Kabukichou than any of them did in their banquet hall, anyway.
Well, we’ve both learned our lesson; and I’ve already volunteered my company for the next one, so that poor Kyuu-chan doesn’t have to suffer it alone, and now we shall just have to wait and see if I can make it through the night without giving any of those old men even more ulcers to worry about. Wish me luck, Kagura-chan!
Lots and lots of love,
Shimura Tae
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China girl,
Saw this postcard of a baboon’s ass, thought of you. Don’t bother replying, I’d only chuck it in the trash the minute I saw your ugly handwriting.
Catherine.
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Dearest little Kagura-chan,
Well, well, well!!!!! I’m SURE you’ve realised by now that you made a BIG MISTAKE leaving Edo, but it’s just too late for regrets or remorse or booking last-minute return flights isn’t it!! But do you know what it’s NOT too late for??? The bruised, bloodied, BRUTAL flowering of [illegible, scrawled over with marker pen] between man and woman!!!!! In fact I would say it is JUST THE RIGHT TIME for that so see how you like THAT my one-time rival who was never my real rival anyway due to your complete lack of sex appeal.
But... ‘ONE-time rival’, you say?? Oh yes that’s right, you heard me. Your TIMELY departure left a great big opening at Gin-san’s side just BEGGING for someone to fill it and as it happens I also have a nice medium-sized opening just BEGGING for someone to fill it, so with you gone Gin-san and I have really been able to help each other out by... FILLING our respective openings...... by POUNDING INTO our respective [illegible for several lines, scrawled over with marker pen] which is why I’m SURE from now on Gin-san will [illegible for several more lines, scrawled over with marker pen] or at least until my [illegible for a lot more than several lines, scrawled over with marker pen] which is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS one of my favourite things to do when we have enough space in the fridge.
Well, I’m not giving you any more details of my ultra-sexy love life. So this is just to say I hope you’re having SUCH a good time learning about space-age Amanto bondage or whatever you’re doing that you stay there and NEVER COME HOME!!!! Or I guess you can come home if you want. It’s not like it matters now since I’ve won Gin-san’s heart and soul and manhood anyway.
Love from,
SACCHAN
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Kagura,
First off I just wanna say I’m sorry as for what was in Sarutobi’s last letter seeing as she ain’t easy to fight down when she gets going so perhaps some of the filth what she was writing may of escaped although I did my best to cross it all out. That was me who had the marker pen by the way and you don’t wanna know what manner of stuff was under the marker pen I’ll tell you that. All sorts of inappropriate stuff. Maybe I didn’t even need to cross it out maybe the post service would of refused to send unlicensed porn anyway. Well I thought I better say sorry so I done that now.
Not much going on here except the usual Yoshiwara matters which are running fine with no problems. Less problems in fact thanks to Sarutobi doing ninja training classes for the Hyakka so I guess shes got her uses deep down if you really look for them. Although one time I was out on patrol and she tried to change the Hyakka uniform to corsets and thigh-high latex platform boots before I got back so maybe not. Seita says hello and can he have your autograph but I told him he ain’t getting it till he writes you himself since me and Hinowa ain’t raising a kid with no manners. He’s been talking about you nonstop since you was on the news for that thing with the mythical white dragon of the starry-skied ocean what grants one wish to its captor or whatever so you got a big fan down here in Yoshiwara. You got a couple of them actually.
Anyway keep safe.
Tsukuyo.
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Dear Kagura-chan (and Sadaharu),
Well, here I am again! Thanks for the postcard. I can see why they call it the Ice-Fang Ice Crater of Icy Terror – I felt a bit terrified just looking at it, ha-ha! But all jokes aside, and on a serious note, I hope you’ve been dressing for the weather. You know how easily you catch cold, after all, and it wouldn’t be much fun to sneeze all the way through your next long-haul shuttle flight! Coat and scarf and earmuffs and hat and gloves and thermal vest and thermal leggings, okay? And nice thick woolly socks. And make sure you and Sadaharu eat lots of protein for energy, and carbohydrates for energy, and sugar for energy, and remember that sukonbu isn’t a food group of its own. (Can you get sukonbu in space, I wonder? I’m sure if anyone knows, it’s you!)
...Do you want to know something strange? I keep pausing whenever I’m writing to you, like I think at any moment you might be about to interrupt and say something that I’ll need to think of a good, snappy, straight-man reply for. But of course you’re not even on the same planet as me, are you? Well, I did tell you it was strange.
To tell the truth, I’m worried my straight man skills might be getting rusty without you around. Like that! That’s the sort of line where you’d say something, isn’t it? Maybe you’d say... Hmm, what about: Don’t be silly, Patsuan, only the hinges on your glasses are getting rusty...? No, that doesn’t sound like you. It’s harder to come up with this funny-guy material than I thought it would be, actually.
Well, I suppose we’ll be able to test it for ourselves in a couple of weeks! Don’t forget to come and pick me up from the shuttle station, okay?
Lots of love,
Shimura Shinpachi
P.S. Please, please, please don’t forget to pick me up from the shuttle station.
P.P.S. And you won’t forget to bring a spare oxygen mask for me either, will you?
P.P.P.S. I really mean it, Kagura-chan. I’m not just being the straight man, I really, really mean it. You know I can’t breathe helium.
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Dear Kagura-chan,
Thank you for your postcard, which I received by this morning’s delivery. I will respond to your queries one by one.
One: I am well.
Two: Jugem Jugem is also well. However, his fur has seemed slightly less glossy recently and I have noticed he seems less enthusiastic about strawberries than normal, although his interest in bananas remains unaffected. He also threw faeces at the television screen during last night’s evening news, which is unusual as he generally enjoys staying informed about current events. I am considering seeking the advice of a veterinarian. I will keep you informed of any developments in this area.
Three: Unfortunately, there was a bloodstain across your third query, so I couldn’t read it. Perhaps it was about Tae-chan? If so, Tae-chan is also well. Her hair is as glossy as ever, and her interest in strawberries and bananas remain at their usual levels. She prefers action dramas with underlying romantic themes to the evening news, but this doesn’t trouble me, as it has always been her preference.
In return, I have some queries of my own. Firstly, I have heard about your exploits on board the mighty Xykthian warship Destruct-O-Matic Blitzathon, leader of their imperial fleet, but I haven’t been able to confirm whether or not you claimed the spoils which would have become yours by right of conquest. Are you currently in command of the Xykthian imperial war fleet? Please let me know as a matter of urgency. I have resumed training to prepare for leading the clan, and negotiating an allegiance between the Yagyuu and the Xykthian imperial war fleet would be an impressive achievement.
Secondly, could you recommend any planets which might be suitable for a short break over Golden Week? Tae-chan and I would prefer it to be less than a light-year from Earth, with a breathable atmosphere for humans and perhaps some interesting cultural sites to visit.
I hope you and Sadaharu are well, and that the bloodstains on your postcard were not your own. If they were, however, then I hope they were shed in a battle fought with honour and won with strength.
Yours faithfully,
Yagyuu Kyuubei
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To the Yorozuya brat,
Thought you might want to know that good-for-nothing boss of yours finally coughed up a couple of months’ rent today. Came strutting in all proud of himself like he thought I’d just up and forget about the other six months he owes me, well you can trust I soon set him right on that. You and me both know only a fool as big as him would take me for a fool as big as that.
(Though I’m prepared to wipe another month off based on how much money I’ve saved on rice since you took off. Not that I’m telling him that. Let him sweat.)
No prizes for guessing which walking talking curly-perm woke me up last night. Some kind of fight with half a dozen unfriendly yakuza types up on the roof it seemed like. No respect for his neighbours but didn’t we both know that already. Anyway you can tell he won just from the way this town feels peaceful this morning, you know the way it gets. Nice and calm for once. Won’t last but it makes a change.
Quiet around here without that dog of yours. Can’t say I miss that yapping every goddamn hour of the day but I will say it’s taken some getting used to. Thinking about getting new carpet laid in the bar soon. Couldn’t afford it for a while there but now you’re not here to eat me out of house and home so maybe this is the time to do it.
All best,
Otose
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Dear Kagura-sama and Sadaharu-sama,
Greetings and well wishes. I enjoyed your most recent communication a great deal, as did Otose-sama. I believe Catherine-sama did too, although I cannot be certain, due to the fact that she has been repeatedly claiming otherwise.
Here at Snack Otose, we have developed the custom of searching my exceptional data processing core for information on every location you mention in your correspondence. This provides a fascinating learning experience for all of us, including Gintoki-sama, who often comes downstairs to listen. This was Otose-sama’s idea, and I believe Otose-sama is invested in your welfare. I am also invested in your welfare. I believe Catherine-sama is invested in your welfare too, but once again I cannot be certain, due to the conflicting data input I receive from her. I am certain Gintoki-sama is invested in your welfare.
If you face any hardware difficulties on your travels, please inform me of the model number and serial code of whatever machinery troubles you, and I will endeavour to solve your problems by remote access override.
Best wishes,
Tama
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China girl,
Hedoro across the road’s got these disgusting new flowers in, they’re a bunch of red polka-dot crap and they stink of ass. They make me think of you every time I go past.
Catherine.
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Dear Kagura-chan and Sadaharu,
Thank you for the postcard, and thank you very much for the gift! I had a little trouble with it being detained by the Customs & Exports office, but fortunately I discovered a gorilla hiding behind the two-way interrogation mirror, and in exchange for allowing him to live he agreed to get all that legal nonsense sorted out for me. But goodness, Kagura-chan, I hardly know what to do with something so lovely – or so large! If this was only a dagger for Mountainous Rinbak the Raging Red, then I can’t imagine how huge the beast himself must have been... before you brought him to his knees, of course. Do you have a lot of opportunities for looting the bodies of the fallen in your line of work? I imagine you must do, though I can’t imagine the loot is always as beautifully crafted as this. The ironwork detailing beneath the blade is particularly interesting, actually – depending on the angle you look at it, it looks sometimes like four screaming human heads wreathed in endless flame, sometimes like five. Very unusual! I’ve propped it against the longest wall of the dojo, and it’s made a real talking point for the students.
We’ve added chocolate pecan sessions to the chocolate macadamia, chocolate almond, and chocolate walnut, and so far it’s all going smoothly. In fact, I’m even running a class of my own! Shin-chan insists on marketing it as women’s self-defence, though the truth is we’re focusing much more on offence than defence. Much, much more. He doesn’t need to know that, though. Don’t tell him, Kagura-chan. I haven’t been offering any chocolate nuts, but students are still attending, so perhaps I don’t need to. You’ll come and join Kyuu-chan as our special guest instructor the next time you’re back on Earth, won’t you? I’ve got some big plans in the pipeline... oh, but you’ll just have to wait and see!
I’m afraid it’s not as impressive as your gift, and I didn’t have to topple any mighty foes to win it for you, but I’ve wrapped up a few packages of that awful cheap sukonbu you like so much. Shin-chan told me you haven’t been able to get it off-planet, so this should help keep you going for another few months.
Lots and lots of love,
Shimura Tae
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To Yorozuya Kagura-chan,
Just to let you know, Sougo got your parcel.
There’s no way any of us are breaking into that quarantine bay just to collect a letter from him, though. So you might be waiting a while for his reply.
I don’t know what the hell kind of plant those spores were from, but no one in the city hospital has the first idea of how to cure it. I’ve never seen a rash that glowed in the dark like that before.
Thanks for everything.
Yours,
Hijikata Toshirou
Shinsengumi Vice Commander
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Sweet little Kagura-chan,
Let’s just get straight to the point shall we??? We BOTH know you’ve been waiting in an agonising limbo that feels like hell as you desperately hope and hope for my next letter to confirm your worst nightmares aren’t true, but GUESS WHAT???? Me and Gin-san have gone from strength to strength and in fact just today I found out I’m expecting our third child. Our third beautiful bouncing bundle of joy, created by sex. Sex between...... me and Gin-san. That’s how it works, not that YOU’D know you little cherry girl. Our first two are called Gintoki and Gintoki, and they both look like Gin-san in EVERY SINGLE WAY except smaller and with less muscle definition as they are both infants at the moment. Not for long though!!!!! Tsukki doesn’t believe they exist just because she’s never seen them but Tsukki doesn’t know anything about anything anyway.
Speaking of which, [illegible, scrawled over with marker pen] not that SHE thought so, if you know what I mean and I’m SURE that you [illegible, scrawled over with marker pen] unless Tsukki did????? DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH. Just kidding I’m already laughing. Anyway I told her [illegible, scrawled over with marker pen] to the last, if you can believe it!!!!!! But [illegible, scrawled over with marker pen] and that’s all I’m going to say on the matter.
That large animal’s skull which is also a helmet which is also a creatively sadistic S&M gag you sent me wasn’t completely awful by the way. I put it on and showed Tsukki the hidden catch which flips up to stop me talking and she said it was like you’d given her a gift as well as me. But what does she know???? It was a very sexual experience for me so thank you I guess. Perhaps you have more erotic potential than I gave you credit for. Or perhaps you think you can muscle in on my territory as the sensual female protagonist who is fully in touch with her overwhelming natural submissiveness, in which case THINK AGAIN!!!! This is MY turf and I will defend it to the death. Your death.
Did you hear Otae-san’s been rallying an army in Kabukichou?? Life is difficult for naturally unattractive women and this is just the sort of thing they have to do to get men to pay attention to them I suppose. Personally I wouldn’t know. I’d ask Tsukki since she keeps interfering with this letter but she wouldn’t know either. Well she doesn’t know A LOT of things due to being Yoshiwara through and through, which is why I’m taking her on a trip next weekend so she can practise opening her horizons instead of her legs. I can’t write where we’re going because she’ll read it and ruin the surprise. Just like she ruins everything else that prissy little killjoy—
[illegible for the rest of the page, scrawled over with marker pen]
—but even you’d say that wouldn’t you Kagura-chan??? Overall I suppose you’re not so bad. At least not compared to SOME people anyway.
Love from,
SACCHAN
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Dearest Leader and Sadaharu-dono,
Your missive reached us in the darkest night, and Elizabeth set it aflame and cast it into the moonlit waters of the docks within moments of our having finished reading it. At the time this seemed a necessary action, essential for maintaining the utmost secrecy regarding our communications. In hindsight, however, it may have been an error of judgement, as neither Elizabeth nor I can remember anything at all about the contents of your letter beyond the fact that it was addressed to ‘Zura and Eli’.
Once more I must remind you, Leader: it’s not Zura, it’s Katsura.
We fight on in your absence, Leader. The absence of your strong, insightful command is keenly felt, but as we cluster around our Joui campfire each night, toasting marshmallows on sticks to see us through the unrelenting hardships of the patriot’s life, we tell each other grand tales of your heroic feats beyond the stars, toppling the craven Amanto of distant nebulas. Your mighty deeds keep the fire of rebellion burning in the hearts of my men. Separated by billions of miles you still remain a true leader, Leader.
Burn this letter after reading, and tell no man alive of my whereabouts.
Yours in joyful patriotism,
Katsura Kotarou
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To Kagura-chan,
Listen the thing is I been telling the kids at school how I know you but all of them just keep saying as I’m only making it up. But I aint!!!!!! So if you send me an autograph or a picture of an alien (like a proper alien. Not just one of the normal sort we got in Edo anyway. Like a really WEIRD alien not just any boring old Amanto) or the tooth of a dangerous wild space monster what you captured bare-handed for proof then that will shut them right up. So that would be good thanks.
From,
Seita
P.S. Or a skull would be good too if you cant get a tooth. Maybe something with spikes on??? I dunno which is best. You choose.
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Dear Kagura-chan,
Thank you for your postcard. Tojo is aware that your letters are of utmost importance, so he delivered it to me directly at Tae-chan’s house this afternoon. Thank you also for putting it inside an envelope. He says he doesn’t read my post, but he does. I will respond to your queries one by one.
One: I am well.
Two: Jugem Jugem is also well. His fur has regained its usual glossy shine, and its former lacklustre quality turned out to be the result of chasing insects in the dust beneath the veranda. After a careful shampooing, this problem was resolved. I have also discovered that his tendency to throw faeces at the evening news is merely the result of political differences, as he always holds fire until the Shogun himself appears on screen. I am doing my best to conceal his emerging Jouishishi sympathies from my family.
Three: You did not include a third query in your letter, but I will update you on Tae-chan anyway. Tae-chan is also well. Her hair is glossier than ever, and I have not observed her throwing faeces at any point during the last month. This is not to say that she doesn’t throw faeces when I am not there, however, although I find it unlikely. Her kind heart continues to spread its warmth throughout Kabukichou, which has seen a twenty percent drop in harassment since she founded her women’s self-defence-offence course, and a six percent rise in grievous bodily harm.
I also received the peace treaty enclosed with your letter, for which you have my thanks. Proof of a robust alliance between the Yagyuu and the Lady High Commander of the imperial Xykthian war fleet will undoubtedly strengthen our position in future governmental negotiations, just as the ships of the imperial Xykthian war fleet will undoubtedly look all the more intimidating for having your name gouged ten metres high into their sides.
I am in your debt, Lady High Commander. Do not hesitate to call on this debt in the future.
Yours faithfully,
Yagyuu Kyuubei
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Kagura,
Or maybe I oughta be saying ‘To the Hero of the Checeatis RX14 Wilderness’ instead seeing as I ain’t heard a single report lately what called you anything different. But you look real heroic when they show the footage every time so I reckon its not such a bad nickname as nicknames go. Although seems to me like digging half a planet out from under a landslide single-handed is the sorta thing you’d damn well better get a good nickname for so its just as well or I would of had a few words to say about it you know what I mean.
Anyway you did good. You got all of us in Yoshiwara cheering you on. They was thinking of naming this new soapland we got after Gintoki on account of his being the official saviour of Yoshiwara etc etc but then Hinowa said as how youre just as much a hero as he is so we had a vote and now its you instead. Just ‘Kagura’ we’re calling it. Nothing fancy just how I like it. I’ll stick a poster for it in the envelope after I get done writing this so you can have a proper look.
It was real nice of you to send Seita that tusk by the way. I put a hole through the top and now hes got it on a necklace and don’t take it off even to wash himself which ain’t hygienic if you ask me though hes a 10 (??? dunno) yr old boy so what can you expect I guess.
Also Sarutobi says hello. Well she ain’t saying hello so much as just yelling in my ear but I guess thats nearly the same as hello for that kind of woman. The kind what yells all the time. We went to some fancy restaurant up in town the other evening which was all right I guess except for when she got her clothes off and jumped in the lobster tank just to try and see if they was gonna pinch her. Turns out yes they was. So then the rest of the night I was just waiting in the hospital. Well I told her I ain’t going nowhere with her again in all my life if she keeps acting like that but I dunno if she listened. Probably not. When does she ever.
Anyway look after yourself.
Tsukuyo.
+++
Dear Kagura-chan (and Sadaharu),
Hello again! It was great to hear from you, as usual, and thanks a lot for all the photographs. Though I have to say, I could have done without the ones of you dangling over that lava pit. Even if a bridge looks completely safe (which that one definitely didn’t), there’s just no way to guarantee it, especially not at temperatures like that. For example, the rope could easily have burned through and dropped you in, and there’s no way of telling when a sudden jet of flame might have burst out and set the planks on fire, to say nothing of what would have happened if you’d lost your footing during the somersault! Honestly, Kagura-chan, I know you think it’s funny, but you have no idea how much stress this sort of thing causes me.
(Actually, you probably do. That’s probably why you sent the photos, isn’t it? Thanks a lot for that. My hair will be the same colour as Gin-san’s before I’m twenty, at this rate.)
But setting basic health and safety aside (which you should never, ever, ever do), it’s all got rather busy back here on Earth! My sister has probably told you all about the women’s self-defence class she’s been running, hasn’t she? Well, you’ll never guess what – she’s teamed up with her students and turned it into her very own business! It’s a sort of independent security firm, I think, though she’s a bit vague on the details whenever I ask her about it. From what I can work out, the Kabukichou clubs sign up and pay her a certain fee, and then my sister pays her students, and between them they make sure everything stays nice and peaceful in the district... So maybe it’s a bit like Tsukuyo-san’s Hyakka! Except I think my sister’s earning a lot more money than Tsukuyo-san does. You know what she’s like at closing a deal. She’s certainly been wearing more and more satin kimono recently, and you can tell that the bosses in Kabukichou are impressed by her business prowess just from the way they look at her nowadays. It’s a combination of respect, admiration, and fear, I’d say. Well, more fear than usual.
And that’s about it from me! I’ll definitely be on time to meet you at the station next week, so promise me you won’t miss your flight, okay? If you’re worried you won’t recognise me, just look for the glasses.
See you soon, Kagura-chan!
Lots of love,
Shimura Shinpachi
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To: [all contacts]
From: [email protected]
Subject: MAKE WAY FOR YOUR RETURNING ROYALTY!!!! GURA THE GREAT AND GL
Message:
ORIOUS IS RETURNING TO EARTHLING SOIL WREATHED IN GOLD AND FURS AND VICTORY WHILE ACCOMPANIED BY HER FEARSOME YET LOVABLE CHIEF COURTIER SIR SADAHARU THE FLEET-PAWED AND NOBLE
Dear everyone,
I have attached a virus to this email. In five minutes, your home screens will all change to a big red timer counting down to the moment my shuttle gets in, so we can share in the last-minute excitement together. I know none of you have anything to do on a computer in the next two days that’s more important than counting down to my arrival, because something like that doesn’t exist, so don’t waste your time complaining at me about it. Let’s move on.
Only two days left!!! And I’m really really excited about seeing everyone again! Except Shinpachi, because he came to visit me in space so now the novelty of Shinpachi has worn off, and except Gin-chan, because he’s the only one too lazy to write so we’ve just been video-calling. Once I video-called him when he was on the toilet but he didn’t hang up, he just dug out a booger and pasted it over the camera and kept telling me how his hangover was so bad it felt like it was gonna squeeze the wax right out his ears. I’m putting this in my email so you know that’s why I’m not excited to see Gin-chan again and so you know that he’s a disgusting man. You should reject him. Reject him to the bottom of the ocean with cement on his feet and paint my name on the front of the Yorozuya instead. This is what would bring me joy.
Everyone except those two is invited to a big party at Gin-chan’s when I’m back. The hyperspace jump always makes me and Sadaharu work up an appetite, so make sure you all bring lots of food! And then bring even more food than that, because Sadaharu’s gonna need lots and lots to eat before he can accept you love him just as much as you always did, because how much food you bring matches up to how much you love us. Bear that in mind.
I can’t wait to talk to you all again, and eat eggs from proper Earthling chickens, and go galloping through Kabukichou with Sadaharu and hear all about the boss lady’s new gangland protection racket and smash watermelons by the river, and sleep in all the way until midday, and be a good-for-nothing odd-jobs layabout again.
Even if it’s only for a little while, it’s going to be good to be home.
All my love,
Kagura
P.S. Granny Otose, it’s important that Gin-chan’s door is bigger before we get home. All that healthy volcanic air and raw monster flesh has been so good for Sadaharu, he’s really done some growing up! He’s not the sweet little puppy he used to be, so it’s very important that Gin-chan’s door is bigger so that he can fit inside. I will do it myself with a sledgehammer if necessary. Please let me know.