Chapter Text
New Years, 2019
James isn't that drunk yet, all things considered. He's getting there, one hand around a Jameson's neck. Though, even if he downed all of it this second, he doesn't think it'd catch him up with the man stood next to him. Funny. It's usually the opposite.
James had sat down crosslegged on the bare floor of a random balcony in the house his friends were probably making a mess out of right now, wanting a moment of peace. He’d thought it could be nice to have an introspective moment to start the new year, signal a change or whatever his swirling mind had come up with in the moment. Really, the party behind him had just become a little too much for him. Was planning on stepping back in as soon as the New Year started, the cold slowly making his toes numb.
Either way, as soon as Will steps over the barrier, spotting James through the glass doors he’s leaning against and making his way to him, he opens his mouth to say something ludicrous, as usual:
“Fancy a kiss durin’ the countdown?”
-
“What?”
“Well, you gotta kiss someone, Jamie. Can’t be sat faffing about alone during the new year, ‘nd im feelin’ specially kind to you right now.” Will's giggly and loose, accent thickened substantially with drink, shit-eating grin on his face showing his obvious desire to mess about with James a little. Practically his favourite fucking pastime if James had anything to say about it.
“What are you on about man?”
Will motions for him to stand up, tries to lead him to the balcony railing, his normally gaunt walk worsening with drunkenness even more the longer he stands. Sticks out a hand to try and grab at the other man.
James shakes his head, whines “Nooo, im all comfortable! If you wanted to sloppily makeout with me you could've said something before I sat down.”
“Shu' up, I'll come down to you then.” He plops down right next to James, back sliding with a screeching noise against the glass of the balcony windows on his way down. Doesn't bother pulling his jacket down from where it rode up his back. James puts the bottle in his hand far out of the way, next to a wood-paneled plant pot holding a very dead-looking plant. No risk of him or Will splashing it about anymore.
“Gonna sit on daddy’s lap?”
Will screws his face up, announces his upset with “Jesus. Fuckin’ nevermind man, I try to do summin fun for once and you just have to ruin it immediately.”
He ignores the complaint, knowing they could run around in circles tossing complaints at each other and messing about for hours on end, in favour of getting to the crux of this out-of-place interaction. “Why'd you even come sit next to me and ask me if i wanted to kiss you right now anyways?”
“During the countdown knob’ead, not now!”
“Technically it's after the countdown.” He gestures with his hands, unable to resist playing with him a little, despite his earlier insistence on finishing the conversation so he can sit and spend his first night of 2020 alone and cold and left with only his own thoughts. On second thought, Will's not bad company. He can stay.
“Sorry some of us didn't go to blummin’ private school, James. And, well. No one else ‘round, had to settle for you, eh?” Will says it with this teasing lilt that he so often uses. Says it like James hadn’t spotted him looking for something through the balcony door while people watching, like James hadn’t waved him in. Like Will hadn’t had a big, goofy smile replace the pensive stare he had before he apparently found what he was looking for, stumbling towards James. Which is kind of puzzling, really, if he were to think about it. Really, why'd he come over to James?
“Things not going well with Mia, you've become this desperate already? She's right in the other room, you know.”
He's well talking out of his ass right now, implying Will's relationship is struggling considering his sort-of-but-not-really long-distance situation with a woman through Discord he's been going through lately. But Will barely knows about it yet, not something he'd divulge to people he isn't really all that close with (Though, Will's getting there. He's easy to talk to.), and he's only known Will a year and a bit, so he lets it slip by.
“Come off it man. She's talkin’ to a buncha Twitch people back there, didn't feel like talking work. Felt like a right twat just standing round waitin for ‘er.” He grumbles out after a beat and a sigh, mood clearly brought down a little after James mentioned her. Shivers a little under his jacket and Palm Angels sweater, though he's still not pulling his clothes down from where they slid up. Dumbass.“She won't miss me for a few minutes.”
James looks at him emphatically, deciding to humor the poor man. Might even be fun
“Alright, Will.”
“You'll kiss me?”
“Whoa man. Slow down a little. You really sure about that?” He loves a quick flirt and some light-hearted playful intimacy (likes feeling wanted, even as a joke) just as much as anyone else, but with the amount of enthusiasm he's getting, he’s quickly starting to think he’ll regret giving in very soon. He doesn't wanna get dragged into something Will would get weird about when he's sober, and knowing the man in front of him, he probably would if he's this eager to get it done with no thought.
An eyeroll and a huff of breath, followed by an annoyed agreement, “Yes, man. Come on, if we don't do it now we'll miss the bloody timer. Better pucker up now!”
He doesn't even get to mention that the timer hasn't even come close to beginning or that he hasn't even agreed yet, a nervous and drunk energy from Will suddenly spilling out and distracting him, almost palpable as he slides away from the balcony windows to sit a little more in front of James. He leans one hand on the cold concrete underneath them and twists his body to face him, already a bit too close, and this is when things start going a little lopsided for James.
-
“Bit cold innit?” Will says, just to fill the silence while he waits.
James backs up a little, the question waking him from his momentary lapse from when Will came close to him. “Why'd you wanna do this anyway? You're not up for gay stuff like this normally.”
“'m plenty gay, thank you very much James. Can't just go around assuming people's sexualities like that.” The fat eye roll James dishes out is very much deserved here.
“Okay, sure dude. I'm just saying, you don't lean into this stuff very often. Have you ever even kissed a man?”
“Not much different than a woman, innit? Just a pair a’ lips.” Will slurs out, and then opens his mouth to continue saying something. And closes it. His head leans down, and he looks up at James. Some kind of hesitance flickers over his eyes. James waits for it to pass.
“It's just.. You guys ‘ave so much fun doin all this stuff, and i feel left out, man. It‘s not fair.” He sulks a little. “You’re all me mates, and I wanna come closer, but I got this well stupid anxiety and shit. Feels like some kinda fear’s stoppin’ me from fucking necking on with you lot for some reason. Mia's well weird abou’ it sometimes too.”
It's kind of cute that Will feels like he's behind in that department. The gay-stuff-with-your-mates department, specifically. He feels a little honored and respected, really. It's one thing to be good enough mates to casually act gay, since he's always had trouble fitting in with Will’s type of people, but because of the fact that he'd recently started having more courage, openly talking about his experience being actually bi in private, it warms his heart that most of James’s friends, including and especially Will, treat him the same way they do anyone else. Makes his heart beat with sympathy.
James shuffles a bit closer. “Okay. Let Uncle Jim give you a big ‘ole smooch then.”
He continues before he can give Will any time to complain, filling the space between them with conversation. “Two years ago i kissed my roommate in Spain during New Years, this isn't much different from then i guess. Special event and all.” He looks down a little, breaking their eye contact before quickly rebuilding it. Will’s unfocused eyes follow back to his, head moving with the action. “Also this year when George kissed me the second Valentines started. Guess that also counts.”
A moment of silence hits them, and then a quiet response. “That's what i mean, man. I didn't even know any a’ that happened.” The other man chuckles a little, leans in closer to stare at him better. Looking at him like this, James sees a little twitch in his brow, annoyance ringing through his tapping finger on the ground. Guesses Will really does take offence to them doing all that without him.
They fill the wait with small talk. Will relaxes. He doesn't know why either of them don't back away while they wait.
The countdown starts at 10.
The cracked-open glass door lets out the shouts of everyone inside. They couldn't miss it if they tried.
Will scoots even closer, leans his forehead against James, slumps against him a little bit. His knee is touching James's thigh. This is all really weird.
-
Will kisses him at 3.
He misses first, realigns, pulls up his hand that's not rooted to the ground and places it on James’s jaw, manually like he has to think about it, and goes for it again. Right on time.
It lasts far longer than it should. Immediately feels like it's something James shouldn't be doing, because he's feeling far too many things about it when he normally very much wouldn't. His eyebrows pull together and he pushes forward to bring Will even closer anyway.
James feels something click in him. Something jagged in him feels like it slipped out this moment and fell out of place, hanging on by loose strings in his chest. He feels his hands twitch toward Will, uncontrollably attracted to coming closer to the warm body next to him. Bit like literally all the rest of him also feels right now.
The hand on his jaw heats him up like nothing else. Nothing feels cold anymore.
His control slips off an edge the closer he gets. Halfway through his fall, he feels a weird sense of doom hit him, feels that he's doing something wrong, that this is a mistake that'll follow him for a long time, ominously.
Ignoring that and finally closing his eyes, James leans into the hand. Sort of misses seeing Will's sunken eye circles and the loose, sweaty hairs that fell out of his gelled-up do sitting on his forehead for a second, forgets about it as soon as he feels the thumb on his cheek start petting him.
Will leans back, setting a microscopic distance between them that lasts less than a second, one or both of them breaking the distance a second time. A third time.
He's seconds away from straight up moaning at nothing but a firm, long push and press of lips. Doesn't even know how long it's been going on.
He feels Will smile into it, at his eagerness. And that. That might be the thing that ruins him completely now, actually. What a bastard.
It lasts far shorter than he wants it to. It ends in a blur; he tries to push his luck, open his mouth and chase after Will's lips with his tongue, but James can feel him pull back just as soon as he tries. He's left alone and devastatingly cold without a hand keeping his head up. He doesn't know how to ask for it back. The loud fireworks fill his senses with water so deafening he can barely swim through to recognize what he feels.
When he finally opens his eyes, he catches a quick look of confusion printed across Will’s face before it quickly melts into the mischievous look he had before.
“So shit mate, learn how to kiss.”
It takes him a while to boot up again, but when he does and processes what this bastard just said, he huffs out an answer. “You knob. I'm never doing anything for your ungrateful ass again.”
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He wakes up the next day alone, awfully sick and fully clothed in a bed he doesn't recognize. Makes his way home feeling terribly sorry for himself. It isn't the New Years he'd hoped to have. Even has all the memories to be embarrassed about.
Doesn't think about the kiss on purpose, somewhat successfully, until he's forced to come face to face with Will again a few days after, no contact between them personally in the days between.
And when he is in front of him, it's all he thinks about.
It was different. He can tell it was different. He wouldn't have had that reaction if it were any one of his other mates. Hasn't had that reaction, let alone even had that kind of kiss with any of his other friends. Small pecks, nothing that he tried to push further. Nothing that he wanted to push further.
He doesn't know how he went that long knowing Will and not seeing any of this sooner. Doesn't get why it all hit him the moment they'd touched, but it did. Will's a real nice bloke, fun friend to have and an alright listener. He thought that was all they had between them, that Will'd be a casual friend he might keep for a long time until they drift apart, but he just can't. He can't stop thinking about Will's lips, what it'd be like to kiss them again, and other wholly inappropriate thoughts he should not be having in the presence of said man.
He can tell it was different for Will too. It definitely was, he isn't imagining it. It has to mean something. Though, it wouldn't really be shocking, that Will just did it for fun. From Will's point of view, he can't seem to fathom what he'd seen in James that made him lean in again otherwise. But why would he lean in again, let him do that again if it didn't mean anything? It doesn't matter how much the thought confuses him, he's sure Will meant something with it.
Well. He thinks he's sure, but the way Will goes in for a side-hug as soon as they meet and carries himself completely obliviously the rest of the day says otherwise.
So he probes. Or, tries to atleast. They’ve met up with the usual group at George’s and ordered takeout, talks of a business opportunity concerning all four of them taking up most of his time, so he leaves it until they split up and head home.
He's happy it's only him and Will walking home on a rocky snow-covered pathway, lit only by the moonlight and the sparse streetlamps dotting along the way, chatting away at anything that comes up. It's mostly Will speaking. It leaves him feeling particularly out of sorts and weirdly romantic.
Will breaks his reverie with a question. “What's up with you? You're all quiet today.”
“Oh. Uh. D'you like…”
This is his chance. Though, even if Will stutters and flails and shows definitive proof he felt something, just like he did, what would he do? He can’t tell what he himself wants from this interaction, just desperate for any kind of confirmation at this point. He goes for the direct approach.
“About the party on New Years, the one Fraser invited us to…”
“Fuck, man. Nowt a thing in my mind from that day I tell ya. You'll have to fill me in.”
Will starts kicking a stone as he speaks, follows along with it until he kicks it too far out the road, clicks his teeth and looks down at his feet again. “Got with a bird or something did you? Is she stressing you out?”
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He can't fucking believe it.
He swears Will didn’t even seem drunk enough to black out, though it might just be his desperation talking. He tries again, a few days later. Subtler, tries to bring up kissing and the sorts again and again, only for it all to get glossed over.
Will seems to either be really good at ignoring things he doesn't wanna deal with, or he did genuinely forget.
Unwanted thoughts arise, telling him this is actually Will being weird about it, and he's a fucking fool for even thinking Will felt a thing other than mild curiosity and then regret and disgust after, which he's trying to cover up now by lying. It makes the most sense, But it. It doesn't feel right, and he doesn't want to believe that. He doesn't think he does, even if the self-hating thoughts come back to try and convince him otherwise all the time.
He doesn't get why it hurts so much anyway. He did not fucking feel this way even a week ago, doesn't know why he's down in the dumps and emotional because Will doesn't even remember.
It's fine that he doesn't remember. Good, really. He means it, even if a hint of anger always seeps through when he thinks about it. Wouldn’t have done James any good if he did anyway!
What would he even expect to happen now? That Will would come up to him, confess he also got carried away and felt the heat go through him from his fingertips to his lips the same way, felt the rightness in his gut when they kissed but just pretended he forgot because he didn't know how to handle it in the moment? That he'd thought about it and figured out he wants to kiss James again and again and that he broke up with his beautiful, caring, perfect girlfriend immediately after for him, that he's James's from now on til forever?
Yes. Yes, actually. He's thought about that happening more than a few times now, bottle in hand.
He tries to go on with his life. Plenty fucking fish in the sea, he'll find someone who's not a complete ass in his eyes. Realistically, he knows none of this is on Will. He's still a stupid fucking twat with no impulse control though, leaving James to deal with his messes. Even with trying to go on with his life or whatever, James knows this'll be stuck in his mind for a while. He's allowed to be petty about it.
It's fine. It'll pass. He just has to wait it out a little. He’s learnt his lesson and will be moving on.
Pulling out his phone, he opens Discord, the app already showcasing his and Aria's chat. And takes the plunge.
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Early 2020, Answering your biggest assumptions! - Eboys podcast #14’
The conversation gone still for a bit, all of them know they need a little more content for the podcast before they can call it quits. Will starts a conversation with a question from the pool, the discussion they'd had right before already half-forgotten.
“Has anyone kissed another eboy?”
A chorus of “yes”’s ring through the call. Will looks immediately offended.
“You two have- Wait, how come I'm the only one who hasn't- How have i not kissed an eboy????” At the end, he sort of looks confused with himself. Laughter breaks through the call.
“For me, i've kissed the both of them Will, I just haven't kissed you." Despite James's efforts, a barely detectable, low and shaky panicked tone still escapes through the cracks.
He can’t let Will get a single inch out of him. It doesn't matter if the older man remembers or doesn't. He's not letting a single thing slip. Decided that the umpteenth time he listened to Will talk about Mia and thought about shutting him up, busying his mouth with something else instead.
“What the fuck, am I really the only one who hasn't kissed an e-..”
“Some mental nights back in 2018.” George interjects. James knows firsthand how true that is. He keeps up with the banter for the rest of the conversation.
“Fuck you guys man, this is some fuckin' fake friends bro.” Will also keeps up the moping for the rest of it as well. The moment Will mutters “Fuck you guys, I've been left out man..” quietly, head down, James feels a little bad. Nothing he's gonna do about it now though.