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Kris loved Susie, but they couldn’t help but want to strangle her lately. She wasn’t stupid, but she definitely could be oblivious, especially when it came to love, no matter what kind.
“Dude, I’ve been feeling really weird lately,” she quipped at one point. The two of them had been in Castle Town, putting off their assignments for as long as possible by procrastinating in Susie’s room (or Susie’s section in the big room, since Ralsei hadn’t put up the walls yet, considering how busy he had been). The SOUL forced Kris to ask why—the probing little shit—even though they both knew what she was about to say. This conversation had to come sooner or later.
“It’s a problem with Noelle. Like, since I hung out at her house, I’ve felt weird about her.”
Kris bit their lip to prevent themself from laughing. “Weird as in…?”
“Just…when I’m near her, I feel my face getting hot as hell, and my stomach goes crazy. And then when I’m not around her, I think about her all the time, and then I just feel…content.”
A pregnant pause occurred. Kris was sure that they were going to bruise their lip or even tear it straight off. They could feel the SOUL containing its giggles, albeit poorly.
“Think I’m allergic to her or something.”
The dam broke, and Kris burst out laughing. They felt their SOUL rumbling, indicating that the two were on the same page for once in their (unfortunately) shared lives. Susie looked offended, frankly, at the mocking of her amorous adversities. “HEY, WHAT’S WITH THE LAUGHTER???”
The human took a second to calm down before replying. “Nothing, it’s just…you’ve never had a crush before, have you?”
She looked sheepishly away. “Uh, no.”
“You know you…probably have a crush on Noelle, right?”
Another pregnant pause. One had to wonder who was getting all these pauses pregnant, and if the baby daddy in question was paying any child support.
“...What?”
The SOUL instructed Kris to quiz Susie on her feelings. They felt as if that were a bit excessive, but they decided to play around with the idea. “Okay, okay, a few questions. Sooo…you feel weird when she’s around?”
Susie sheepishly nodded.
“And your SOUL beats faster?”
Nod.
“And you think about her 24/7? No matter what?”
Another nod.
Kris giggled into their fist. “Dude, you are so fucked.”
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Despite the fact that Noelle had already realized her feelings for Susie, she wasn’t any less unbearable.
“Y’know, I kinda wanna get Susie a present. I…I did it in a dream once, but I’ve never had the confidence to do it in real life.”
Berdly sighed. They had been doing legitimate studying for a while now, and these sessions had admittedly been productive. Yet no matter how good they were, there was always one topic at the back of Noelle’s mind.
“Noelle, you know I will always support your sapphic plights, but your obsession with Susie is…concerning, to say the least.”
Her face flushed. “O-obsession?”
“Fascination. Preoccupation. Fixation. Whichever synonym of the word you prefer for your vernacular.”
“I-Is my crush on Susie really that bad?”
“You dream about her at least three times a week. You stare at her in class to the point of forgetting about your work at times. Sweet rotisserie Santa, you said that you wanted her to bite your face off once. Even ‘obsession’ is an understatement.”
“Am I really that…?” She trailed off, thinking for a second, before realizing something.
“Hey, the only person I told that to is Kris! How’d you figure that out???”
Berdly’s feathers fluffed up, and he silently squawked before vigorously going back to his work; Noelle did also, glad to have the topic dropped, but confused about why Berdly was so embarrassed about his friendship with Kris. She didn’t feel like analyzing the implications of that moment right now.
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And now it had come to this. The other day, Berdly had run over to Kris’s house, desperately pounding on the door as if he were trying to break in. They opened the door, frazzled and still in mismatched pajamas.
“Kris, my comrade! I need your assistance!”
The SOUL instructed Kris to ask him what he needed help with. They internally sighed, considering that they really just felt like staying in today and playing Minecrap like any teenager did on the weekend.
“Noelle’s crush on Susan is driving me insane! I hate to rain on her parade, but she just talks about her at least once per conversation.”
“At least Noelle’s realized that she had a crush. Susie’s as dense as a brick. A really, really heavy brick.”
“Kris, we have got to get those two together, and we need to do it now. Otherwise, they’ll be fake canoodling until Hometown freezes over! Please, we need a plan!”
The SOUL didn’t even need to instruct Kris to agree. As fun as the idea of sitting on their ass was, being fake Cupid for a day was much more entertaining. They tried to ignore the fact that spending time with Berdly was also a big part of their acceptance, although they knew the SOUL would bring that up the next chance it got.
“As long as you don’t use the phrase ‘fake canoodling’ again, I’m in.”
Berdly furiously nodded. “Alright! I have an idea that we could use.”
And that’s how the four of them ended up in a circle in Kris’s living room, playing an abrupt game of Seven Minutes in Heaven. A bottle of flat soda sat in the center, like a clock hand about to point to the time. Noelle had chosen to sit next to Berdly, her face almost completely red. Kris found her ability to become a tomato quite impressive.
The SOUL made them go first; an odd choice, considering that the goal was supposed to be Susie and Noelle getting together. They spun with a quick flip of their wrist and watched as their fate was decided.
The bottle landed on Berdly. He smirked, Kris cringed, and the SOUL would probably give Kris a knowing look if it had eyes.
“Ah, it appears that you’re my first suitor for tonight, Kris.” Berdly valiantly got up and began going upstairs, Kris following farther behind so as to not garner suspicion. They entered the human’s room, Berdly locking the door behind them as a cool breeze blew in from the open window. Silence filled the air, and Kris didn’t know whether to sit down or stand up, even though this was their room. They eventually sat down at the edge of their bed, the bird standing on the rug and looking at them, waiting for them to save him the agony of having to start a conversation.
“You wanna kiss him so bad,” the SOUL internally quipped.
Kris had to purse their lips to stop various curses from escaping their mouth. “Shut the fuck up,” they internally reprimanded.
“It’s true~”
“Please be quiet.”
‘This is the perfect opportunity! No one will know!”
“Stop it.”
“Kris, do you think your brother has an emulator for Dragon Blazers on his computer? A random question, I know,” Berdly suddenly asked.
“Please don’t touch his computer. Even I don’t know what’s on there.”
“Ah. An understandable boundary, if I’m being honest.”
“Yeah. Kinda miss listening to his late-night calls with his friends, to be honest. Found it annoying back then, but I just miss him being around.”
Berdly nodded, his face softening and his smile turning soft. “...I get it. If you moved away suddenly, I’d be sad too.”
Kris felt themself blush at the implication of them being that important to him, and they didn’t know why.
“*I’ve seen pride parades straighter than your relationship with Berdly.”
Kris gritted their teeth as somebody opened the door. Susie peeked in, raising an eyebrow at the flustered state of her friend.
“Time’s up, weirdos. Hope Berdly didn’t kill you with his nerd aura, Kris.”
They stayed silent as they followed Susie back into the living room, trying not to look back at Berdly as he trailed along too. They’d mentally battle with this incident later, but they needed to focus on the main objective for now. The three sat back in the circle, Noelle looking a bit more nervous as the prospect of her and Susie pairing up became an ever-increasing possibility.
“Noelle, I think you should go next. I’m sure Kris and Susie want to wait for a bit until their turns.”
“Uh, o-ok!” She nervously gripped the bottle, giving it a weak spin that landed on the one person they needed her to land on.
Susie.
If Noelle was a bit flustered before, she had become a deer in headlights now. Her face had turned a shade of red Kris didn’t even know was possible on her, and she stared at Susie with shock in her wide eyes. The other monster also seemed surprised; her face was ever-so-slightly tinted with pink.
“Oh! I…I guess we should go into the room then.” Barely even finishing her sentence, she bolted to Kris’s room in a frantic act of fright and excitement.
“She’s acting…weird,” Susie commented as she got up and went after Noelle. Watching her walk off, Kris realized something.
“Wait, how do we actually guarantee those two get together, or at least do something romantic? We can’t spy on them, or else they’ll get nervous and just be awkward the entire time.”
“...We’ve had a lapse in judgment, haven’t we?”
Kris thought for a moment before an idea popped into their head. “Yo, Berdly, I’ve gotta go piss for a second.”
“Why do you feel the need to announce that?”
“Because it’s funny.” They quickly jogged to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind them as they turned on the tap to silence any sounds. Cracking their knuckles, they steeled their nerves before plunging their hand into their chest and pulling out their SOUL. They felt it wiggle around in their hand as they put it in the sink, watching water run over it.
“Dude, stop getting water on me!” It floated into the air, vibrating to get the water off as if it were a weird, fucked up dog.
“Womp womp. Anyway, I need your help, for once in my life.”
“Oh, so you just dropped me in the sink and got me wet, and now you’re asking for my help? You’re lucky I’m not doing the weird route right now.”
“...I’m not even going to ask what that means. Ignoring the fact that you don’t understand why I dislike the literal parasite I have to keep in my body, I need you to listen to me. I need you to fly out the window, go into my room, and just—do whatever to make them realize their feelings.”
“Kris. Krismas. Krissy. You’ve baited me with the concept of lesbian romance. Of course I’ll cooperate. I’ll do my thing.” The heart-shaped object floated out of the window as asked, drifting over to the bedroom window and peeking inside. Susie and Noelle were sitting next to each other on the Delta Rune rug, happily chatting away with each other, although it was clear that there was a bit of a wall between them.
“Man, why are Kris and Berdly making us do this, anyways? Only middle schoolers play this game.”
“...Faha, yeah. It’s kinda weird to do this in Kris’s room, too. Feels like forever since I’ve been in here.”
The SOUL motivated Susie to say something heartfelt. She felt hesitant, but there was something inside her that made her want to open up to Noelle, and she didn’t know what.
“It’s kinda nice, though. Spending time with you, I mean.”
The reindeer’s smile widened, her face softly flushing. “Yeah, it really is. I’m glad to spend time with you, Susie.”
She flashed a grin in response, but didn’t respond. Silence filled the room; the SOUL was getting quite frustrated with the two's slow-burn, clueless antics. They preferred one-shots, after all.
Impatiently, the SOUL urged Noelle to kiss her. She turned beet-red at the prospect (as expected), and it was obvious she was telling herself not to, despite the mysterious voice in her head and the impulsive thoughts it planted into her head.
“Was gonna say that this room feels hot, but seems like you beat me to the punch.”
She sputtered at the sudden attention towards her and Susie’s noticing of her bewildered state. “Uh, I just—just need to get a…”
The SOUL tried to motivate Noelle, affirming to her that nothing was going to go wrong. Those words seemed to seep into her mind, and her resolve steeled. If it had a mouth, it would smile. Or scream, a reference obligated whenever their lack of a mouth was emphasized. She grabbed Susie’s hands, her palms clammy and her own SOUL pounding.
“Uh, Susie? I have…something I’ve been meaning to ask you.”
“Hit me.”
“Uh, I…I just wanna…”
The SOUL shone its light on Noelle, and she suddenly gained a surge of motivation. Without hesitating, she grabbed Susie’s face and pressed the reptile’s lips to hers. She tasted like cigarettes and dust, an unfamiliar, but welcome combination. Susie was caught off guard by the contact, and it took her a moment to accept the advance and kiss back. She pulled Noelle in by her waist, bringing the two closer than they had ever been. Hands tangled in hair, feelings were said without words, and a certain heart-shaped object figuratively (and literally) beamed from its faux hiding spot at the window.
Eventually, the two pulled away for air. Silence filled the room, and the two were seemingly frozen in shock. Noelle had gone red for what seemed like the third time in a span of 24 hours, and Susie had flushed a nice shade of purple. The SOUL, satisfied with its matchmaking abilities, softly drifted back to the bathroom, giving them some space. Kris was leaning against the sink, seemingly weak from how long they had been apart.
“Your knight in shining armor is here to save you from passing out,” it quipped, floating into the cold, tiled room. Kris looked up at it, slowly approaching.
“Did you do it?”
“Let’s just say that those two definitely know each other better than before.”
“...You could’ve phrased that less creepily, you know.”
The SOUL ignored Kris’s reprimand. It thought for a second and flew away as the human tried to grab it.
“Wait. Waiiiitttt. I did you a favor. Now you have to do something for me.”
“Are you fucking serious? Get over here before I throw you against the wall.”
“Ok, ok, just hear me out. Since I got Susie and Noelle together, it’s only natural that I get you a partner too.”
“...Please don’t make this about Berdly.”
“You know damn well I want you to kiss Berdly.”
Kris suddenly grabbed the SOUL and threw it against the wall, as promised. It hit with a splat, then peeled itself off, clearly mad (judging by the fact that it was glowing so hard).
“Dude! What was that for? Doesn’t that hurt you as well?”
“Worth it.”
“Listen. I won’t force you to do anything, so let’s make a deal, Spamton G. Spamton style. You put me back in your body, and as long as you kiss Berdly, I’ll let you free roam for a while. Hands off the keyboard. Completely AFK.”
Kris stayed silent. Having freedom for a while was a nice prospect; they tried to ignore the fact that kissing the bird was also appealing. They grabbed the SOUL and shoved it inside their chest, stretching a bit as they got used to the feeling of possession again, even if they were supposedly the one in control this time. True to its word, Kris found that they could move freely and weren’t being controlled by its inputs. They smiled as they walked out of the bathroom.
“Remember the deal we made!”
“Zip it. I’ll do what you asked.”
Berdly sat cross-legged on the floor, holding his phone horizontally as he played some sort of emulated game on his phone—seemingly not counting it as a mobile game, considering how he’d go on a tangent about how mobile games were “chock full of microtransactions” and “ruining the industry” when prompted. He looked up as he saw Kris approaching, letting his device clatter to the floor.
“Kris! I’ve been pondering our situation, and I have an idea! You see, if we-”
“Nah, don’t worry about it. I figured something out.”
Berdly smiled, sending butterflies to their stomach they tried their best to ignore, especially considering what they were about to do. “Really? My comrade, you’ve outdone me! Never expected you to be two steps ahead.”
Kris nodded, sitting down close in front of Berdly. His feathers slightly fluffed up at the sudden proximity, but he tried his best to keep his composure.
“Berdly, I wanna ask you something.”
“Yeah?”
“Can I kiss you?”
Any composure he had gained was instantly lost at such a direct question. He squawked in surprise, and his face became hot to the touch.
“K-kris! Such a…f-forward question! I-I don’t know how to-”
“Is that a yes or no answer?”
At a loss for words, Berdly gave a quick nod, too embarrassed to speak. Kris smiled, becoming a bit nervous themself as they leaned in. Their lips quickly connected with his beak. It was a weird sensation, like kissing a huge pair of chopsticks, or two slabs of wood. It was nothing like what they had been taught kisses were like, and yet it set off fireworks in them all the same. They reached for his neck and tugged on a few stray feathers, causing him to jolt a bit in shock. Kris was the one to pull away first; they feared that kissing him for any longer would fuck up their feelings towards him even more.
Berdly’s breathing had become heavy, and his glasses were halfway off his face, for whatever reason. He seemed to have had an epiphany or awakening of some sort. Kris thought he looked cute like this.
“See? Was that so bad?” The SOUL internally asked.
“...No.”
“Yeah, I knew your gayass would enjoy that.”
“One more word and you’re getting thrown in the toilet instead of the cage tonight.”
“Jeez. I’ll shut up now.”
The stairs creaked as Susie and Noelle climbed down, subtly holding their pinkies together. Noelle raised an eyebrow at Berdly’s disheveled state.
“Kris, what did you do to him while we were gone?”
They mimed zipping their lips, then smiled at the subtle romantic gesture the two girls were making. “I should ask what you two did in there.”