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Twenty-eight weeks. That’s how long Viktor has been pregnant.
He feels huge. He already feels huge, and knows his belly is only going to grow bigger over the next few weeks, protruding in front of him to make room for their little one. But he’d rather not think about it now. One day at a time, as everyone loves to remind him.
Still, Viktor can’t wait to meet his baby. Jayce and he had long discussions about expanding their family, ones that kept them up at night with both worry and excitement. Because the family that the two of them already formed, the one that Viktor never thought he’d find and cherished more than anything, felt complete already. They were happy together. They were happy and they had love to spare, and their emotional and financial situation was stable enough to do it – one thing Viktor never had the privilege of experiencing in his childhood. And he’d wanted to share that, to offer someone else that feeling of home, of feeling safe and wanted, and loved.
Deciding to carry their baby was probably the hardest decision Viktor’s ever made. His relationship with his body has always been complicated, a never-ending tale of losing control and never fully feeling at home in this corporeal envelope that was both alienating and unwelcoming. It had taken decades, a top surgery and T injections, learning pain management techniques and countless therapy sessions, for him to reach the point of accepting himself. Jayce had been with him for half of the way, always supportive and ready to provide the love Viktor couldn’t offer himself. And the idea of his body changing again, of losing the control he’d struggled so long to gain…He spent more than one sleepless night thinking about it.
But here Viktor is one year later, pregnant with a healthy baby and mentally cursing Jayce for his swollen feet and painful lower back.
Except that Jayce isn’t here.
He’s gone abroad on a four-day mission for work, which would have been perfectly fine if it weren’t for the pregnancy hormones making Viktor desperate for his partner. He hates it. Hates the way he’s felt uneasy since the day before, startling at the slightest noise and more receptive to intrusive thoughts about Jayce leaving him for someone he’d meet at the conference he’s attending, someone who’s not struggling to get up from the couch and eating the weirdest food combinations – who would have thought that cinnamon was such a delicious addition to any and all dish?
Their apartment feels dark and depressing, despite Viktor lighting up every lamp they have – even the fairy lights that Jayce insisted on installing on the bookshelves, much to Viktor’s dismay, are on. But despite the cosy atmosphere, Viktor’s mood doesn’t brighten. He’s gloomy and exhausted after a restless night, spent trying to find a comfortable position that would relieve his lower back and imagining catastrophic scenarios for every noise he’d heard – a shame he doesn’t work as a horror movie screenwriter, or that would have been a very productive night.
The day hasn’t been much better. He hasn’t been to the lab since the beginning of the pregnancy, due to a rough first trimester and his arthritis flaring with the added weight he’s carrying. So he’s spent the day working on a proposal for a new prosthetic Jayce and he have been thinking about for months, and napping, his new favorite activity as of late. And…well, he’s also been actively trying to avoid mirrors.
His body’s doing something exceptional. He knows that. Jayce has made sure he got the memo. Now, does that mean he’s fully comfortable with his widening hips and thinning body hair? He’s not. He’s really not. Worst of all, he’s also noticed a slight swelling in his chest. It’s nothing. Barely noticeable. Even he had to scrutinise his body from every angle and gently prod at the skin to conclude it had grown. Still, he’s been horrified. Dread like he hadn’t felt in years swelled in the pit of his stomach, and he’d forced himself to look away as his breath had begun to quicken.
Trying to distract himself, Viktor picks up a book. Reads a few pages before putting it down, unable to focus on the tiny black words on the page – they seem to dance before his eyes, his brain unable to grasp their choreography. He sighs, one hand distractedly rubbing his belly under the shirt he’s wearing – one of Jayce’s. He’s been reluctant to wear maternity clothes, and steals more and more from Jayce’s wardrobe.
The baby rolls under his hands, like a goldfish trapped inside a water bag trying to expand his world. Viktor can’t help but smile.
“I can’t wait to meet you, little one,” Viktor murmurs, abandoning the book on the couch’s armrest.
Scooting forward to the edge of the couch, Viiktor shifts his centre of gravity to lift himself up, grunting with the effort it takes, and gripping the armrest to stabilise himself as soon as he’s standing. Takes a few breaths. His right leg doesn’t particularly enjoy the added weight of his pregnancy, and a dull, bone-deep ache made its home in his knee.
Leaning heavily on his cane, Viktor makes his way to the kitchen, where he reheats a meal Jayce has left for him before leaving. His partner has cooked for the four days he would be away, for which Viktor is very grateful. He forces down half a portion of mashed potatoes before calling it a day, his appetite probably diminished by the anxiety he can’t seem to shake. He tells himself it doesn’t matter. The baby won’t notice the difference if he skips half his dinner once. Still, he feels like the worst person in the world.
Sluggishly, Viktor gets ready for bed. Sitting on a plastic chair, he showers as best he can. Puts on Jayce's hoodie, the comfortable one that still smells faintly of him, of fresh deodorant and cedar shampoo. Thinks about calling him, just to hear his voice before falling asleep, but ends up sending him a simple text message to wish him good night. It’s still early, and Jayce is probably out with his colleagues, building connections they desperately need in a world where networking is crucial to getting projects funded. And Viktor isn’t the clingy type.
Really, he’s not. He prides himself on being self-sufficient and enjoying his own company – he can spend entire days alone at the lab without feeling the need to talk to another human, engrossed in his research. More often than not, he even forgets to eat, much to Sky's dismay.
So why does spending four days alone suddenly seem like the end of the world?
Hugging the C-shaped pregnancy pillow closer to his chest, Viktor tries a breathing exercise. Inhales for four seconds. Tries to hold for seven, but it ends up being six. Exhales slowly through his mouth for eight. The baby kicks. Perhaps they can feel Viktor’s anguish, the hollow sensation in his chest he can’t shake, no matter the rational arguments he tries to offer himself – he’s safe. He’ll be back on T before he knows it. Jayce is only one call away. He loves him and will be back as soon as possible. They’ll soon welcome a tiny human in their life, whom they’ll shower with love and acceptance, and everything Viktor lacked during the formative years of his life.
“I know, little one, it’s just us tonight,” Viktor whispers, a protective hand placed on his stomach. The skin is warm under his hand, and he absentmindedly follows the happy trail of hair that descends to his lower abdomen, until he can no longer reach it, hindered by his bump. He’d been so happy when he noticed the hair growing, and it feels comforting to see it’s still there, although thinner. “I really miss your daddy too,” he adds despite the lump in his throat.
What wouldn’t he give to feel Jayce’s arms around him? The weight of his body pressing against his back, his lips kissing his shoulder, and his hands caressing his sides. Despite hiding under the covers, Viktor feels weirdly exposed, like he’s five again and afraid of monsters lurking under his bed, ready to strike if he lets his guard down.
Noises from the apartment above keep him from relaxing, his eyes opening in alarm every time he hears footsteps and barks, although his eyelids feel heavy with exhaustion. He really should call Jayce. But he can’t bring himself to do it, and stays awake for a long time.
When Viktor wakes up the next morning, something feels off. He’s slept poorly, due to four trips to the bathroom, and anxiety hugging his chest in the most suffocating embrace when he tried going back to sleep.
Jayce and he usually call in the morning, before the conference starts. Viktor knows it’s a bit late, although his alarm clock’s digits don’t imprint in his brain when he looks at the time. After fumbling for this phone, Viktor takes two tries to unlock it – why does the fingerprint sensor only work half the time? He’s about to select Jayce's contact from his recent calls list when he notices that... It’s not there. He frowns, wrinkles of worry forming on his forehead. It doesn’t make sense. He’d called Jayce the day before, so the number should be there. He goes to his contacts. Searches for Jayce. But the number isn’t there either.
His heart pounds in his chest, a rapid thud echoing in his ears. Makes it hard to focus. He doesn’t know Jayce’s phone number. Why would he when it’s so much quicker to press a contact than to dial each number anyway? He feels hot. Cold sweat breaks out across his skin, his hands getting slick and shaky with overwhelming anxiety. Tries to look for Sky’s and Mel’s contacts, but they aren’t logged in either. Viktor swallows around the lump in his throat. What if they left? What if they realized what a burden he is and decided they would be better off without him?
Viktor presses a shaky hand to his face, trying to breathe through the panic rising inside. But he can’t. Breath hitches, shallow and quick. He can’t do this. What is he gonna do if he can’t reach Jayce? Lungs hurt. He can’t do this alone. He needs– He needs Jayce. He can’t even care for himself properly, can’t get the air to fill his lungs, can’t do something as easy as breathing. How is he going to care for a baby if he can’t even breathe? Why can’t he–
That’s how Viktor wakes up. To panic swelling in his guts, like a hurricane devastating everything on his path, leaving his lungs gasping for air, his skull pounding and his heart trying to escape his chest with how fast it’s beating. His t-shirt is moist with sweat, clinging to his skin disgustingly, and when Viktor reaches for Jayce next to him, only to graze cold sheets where a warm body should’ve been…He starts crying.
Of course, that’s when Jayce decides to call him, the ringing of the phone making his head hurt even more. Still, Viktor answers immediately.
“Hey Vik, how are you? Did you sleep well? I’m about to go to the first session, but I wanted to call you first.” Jayce says cheerfully, and the sound of his voice feels like a cold compress on a feverish forehead, so relieving that Viktor has to bite into his hand not to sob even harder.
“Viktor?” Jayce asks after a few seconds of silence. “Is everything okay?”
“F–fine,” Viktor manages to articulate in a rough voice.
“What happened?” Jayce tries to video call him, but Viktor refuses the switch – he doesn’t want to alarm Jayce with his face blotchy from his crying, uneven red patches defiling his cheeks glistening with tears.
“Vik? Can you tell me what’s wrong?” Jayce asks again, voice softer. “You’re worrying me.”
“I’m– good,” Viktor says, although his voice sounds strained to his own ears. Blocking the microphone with his hands, he takes a few calming breaths. “How are you?”
“V…” Jayce sighs. “I’m good. I managed to attend four sessions yesterday, though I don’t remember much about the last one, ‘was too tired to focus,” Jayce tells him. “I went to the segment on real-time pressure mapping for orthotics and prosthetics applications. Ugh you know how much I hate the guy, but I have to admit it was pretty interesting.”
Distractedly caressing his belly in self-soothing motions, Viktor focuses on Jayce’s voice as he takes deep breaths, gradually relaxing – it helps to picture his partner at the conference, in his burgundy suit he likes so much.
“But I miss you so much,” Jayce says. “I think about you all the time. I…I can’t wait to be back.”
Viktor nods, drying his tears with the sleeve of the sweatshirt. He’s so tired. It’s not even 9 AM, but he’s so tired, and Jayce’s voice works wonders on his nervous system, slowly dispelling the panic that woke him up.
“Viktor?”
“I– I’m here,” he answers. “I– eh…I miss you too.”
“I’ll be back soon, sweetheart. Do you…Are you sure everything’s okay?” Jayce insists.
“Yes. The baby is fine,” Viktor confirms, his hand still resting protectively on the bump.
“I was asking about you, Vik.”
“Oh uh…” He shrugs. Because, while knowing Jayce can’t see him, it’s the only answer he can give at the moment.
“Talk to me,” Jayce asks, gentle and patient and everything Viktor can’t handle him being if he doesn't want to start crying again.
“I don’t know what to say. I’ve been– all over the place.”
“That’s normal, Vik. You’re growing a whole human after all.”
Viktor chuckles, a wet little sound filled with all the worries eating away at him, all the insecurities the pregnancy brings, despite his efforts not to let himself be submerged.
They hang up a few minutes later, and, just like every morning, Viktor struggles to get out of bed. Opening the shutters, he’s greeted by gray November clouds and a light drizzle – probably the reason his joints ache so much, in addition to the extra weight he’s carrying.
The morning passes slowly, between frequent trips to the bathroom and bouts of drowsiness – Viktor had planned to get a head start on literature review, but keeping his eyes open proves more difficult than expected. He feels pathetic. Not having had the energy to take a shower, he’s still sweaty from his nightmare, and his lower back hurts with a deep pain that pulls along his spine. The little one probably wants nothing more than to escape from Viktor's belly, because what a nightmare it must be to be with him 24/7.
Shortly before noon, the doorbell jolts him out of his daze, and he gets up from the couch with a grunt to answer the door. The floor is cold under his bare feet, but putting on socks by himself has become almost impossible.
“Hi.” Sky grins on the other side of the door, her smile so warm and familiar that Viktor feels his throat tighten. “Jayce asked me if I could pass by today, so…”
“You didn’t have to,” Viktor says, stepping aside to let her in.
“I know, Vik.” She opens her arms, and he gladly accepts the hug, leaning the side of his body against her so his belly isn’t in the way. “But I’m glad I did. So, how are you doing?” She asks as they make their way towards the living room.
Carefully sitting back on the couch, Viktor rearranges the fabric of Jayce’s sweatshirt over his stomach. “Tired of having to answer this question every five minutes,” he groans, not without a hint of guilt for his sour mood. But Sky only laughs.
“Sorry for caring about you.” She smirks, sitting next to him.
“It’s just…My lower back is killing me, and I’m huge, and I barely recognize myself,” he confesses. “I just feel so…so clingy…Like, I miss Jayce so much it’s disgusting,” he huffs, his mouth twisting in a disgusted grimace.
“Vik, it’s–”
“Don’t,” Viktor interrupts. “Please don’t tell me it’s normal, because I really don't care.”
“Okay.” She nods, before tilting her head to the side with a pensive look in her eyes. “Are you cold?”
Viktor frowns, but shakes his head no. He hasn’t even unfolded the blue blanket on the armrest of the couch, Jayce's hoodie enough to keep him warm.
“Thirsty?”
“Eh…Maybe a little.” He half shrugs.
“Hungry?”
Viktor pauses. Now that he thinks about it, he feels famished. “Yes.”
“Mmh. And what hurts?”
“My back. Right leg. And my head, too.” The headache he woke up with has eased a little, but it hasn't completely gone away, quietly purring behind his temple.
“So, here’s what we’re gonna do,” Sky says, one hand on his knee. “I’m gonna get you the heating pad and your meds, and you’re gonna eat something. Then, you’re gonna spend the afternoon resting. How does that sound?”
Admittedly, it sounds great. Much better than what Viktor had initially planned – wallowing in self-pity on the couch all afternoon, all evening, and probably even all night, although in bed, until Jayce returned the next morning.
So Sky gets to work. She fetches Viktor's medication from the bedroom, and helps him place a heating pad against his lower back, making sure it’s not too hot. The warmth immediately relieves his aching muscles, and Viktor sighs with relief, closing his eyes for a moment. Sky tells him the latest gossip from the lab while reheating a bowl of vegetable soup for lunch, that she brings him with a jar of cinnamon.
“I wasn’t sure how much you’d want,” she says, her nose wrinkled in disgust, as she hands him the cinnamon jar.
“A lot.” Viktor pours a generous amount of it into the soup.
After devouring two bowls, he already feels a little more alive. Sky prepares baked apples for dessert, to which she adds cinnamon with much more enthusiasm – Viktor closes his eyes in delight as he tastes the dessert, the sweet and spicy flavor so satisfying on his palate after days of reheated meals. Jayce is an incredible cook, but even he can't compete with freshly made food.
“Feeling better?” Sky asks with a knowing smile as he takes the last bite of the dessert.
“Yes. So much. Thank you,” he says, feeling a sudden stinging behind his eyes that he tries to suppress by taking a deep breath. He's so tired of these urges to cry over everything and nothing at once.
“Don't mention it.”
They settled down on the couch for the afternoon, Viktor lying on his side, a pillow between his legs, and his head resting on Sky's lap. He falls asleep while she tells him about her Christmas gift ideas for her parents, her fingers playing with his hair.
“...seemed a little shaken.” Viktor hears Sky say as he regains consciousness, still drowsy from sleep.
“Thanks for checking on him, Sky,” someone says. And wait– is that…? Yes, it has to be. He’d recognized that voice anywhere.
“You never have to thank me for caring for my best friend,” Sky says, and Viktor’s overwhelmed by a wave of tenderness for her. Sky's been nothing but supportive ever since she learned they were expecting, helping Jayce in the lab when Viktor couldn't and scouring the internet for tips to ease Viktor's severe morning sickness during the first trimester. Even before that, she's always been there for him.
Viktor fights to open his eyes. But it’s so difficult when he’s still so tired and comfortable, warm under the blue blanket that’s been placed over his body. Still, he manages to blink.
“Hey, sweetheart,” Jayce says softly, caressing Viktor’s cheek with the back of his hand. Viktor reaches for his hand, and Jayce intertwines their fingers together, rubbing his knuckles with his thumb. “You can keep sleeping, Vik, I’m not going anywhere.”
And Viktor really wants to fully wake up, to hug Jayce and make the most of Sky being here. But the warmth of his voice feels so reassuring, so safe, that he’s lulled back to sleep before he knows it.
The next time Viktor wakes up, he feels more rested than he has in days and lets the voices of his loved ones slowly bring him back to full consciousness.
“...went fine, I think," Jayce’s saying. "It's just…It made me anxious not to have him by my side. I feel like I've spent three days underwater.”
"Mmh, that makes sense,” Sky answers, still playing with Viktor’s hair. “I mean, you always go to these things as partners, so…”
"Yeah…’t was weird being alone.”
"But you should have told me. I didn't realise it was this week or I’d have said something…I could’ve spent the last few days with him.”
“Thanks Sky…that means a lot.”
As they remain silent after that, Viktor stretches, arching his back and yawning, the blue blanket falling from his shoulders as he sits up.
“Hi, sleepy head,” Jayce says as Viktor rubs his eyes. Jayce is sitting cross-legged on a cushion on the floor, still wearing his suit.
“You…I thought you…?” Viktor tries to ask, as eloquently as he can manage – which admittedly, isn't very much.
“I managed to come back a little earlier,” Jayce fills him in. “Couldn’t bear being away from you.”
Viktor turns his head to look at Sky, one hand instinctively going to his belly. “You knew?”
“I knew he was gonna try. I didn't want to get your hopes up in case he was held back for some reason,” she explains.
Before leaving, Sky gives Viktor a long hug and makes him promise to call her if he needs anything. He agrees for the sake of it, although he probably won’t do it – asking for help still doesn’t come naturally to him. But she knows. She knows, and she gives him a look that says he’s not fooling anyone and that she’ll check on him herself to make sure he’s okay. Viktor loves her for that.
Jayce walks her to the door while Viktor hauls himself up from the couch, leaning on his cane heavily as he presses his right hand against his lower back, trying to soothe the pain. And that's when it happens. A trickle of warm liquid floods his boxers, and he wonders for a second if his water has broken. But it’s far too early for that. And there isn’t much fluid, just enough to wet his crotch and underwear.
“Oh no,” he mutters, humiliation creeping on his cheeks like wine staining a white carpet, the halo gradually enlarging until it becomes indelible, his skin covered in shame all the way to his ears and neck.
“What is it?” Jayce asks as he comes back to the living room, the sleeves of his white shirt rolled up to his elbows. So handsome. So handsome, while Viktor is pissing himself in their living room.
His gaze shifts to Viktor’s thighs, pressed tightly together, and the dark spot in his crotch. “Did your water–”
“It’s piss,” Viktor cuts him, voice laced with frustration.
“Okay. It's nothing. Let’s…Let's get you cleaned up,” Jayce says, keeping his voice even.
Viktor refuses to lean on Jayce's outstretched arm, making a point of waddling to the bathroom on his own – it's not as if he has much dignity left to preserve at this point, but he'll hang on to whatever he can. Closing the door behind him, he sits on the toilet lid to remove his pants and soiled boxers. The fabric clings to his thighs, and he grimaces at the sensation, putting the clothes in the washing machine with shaky hands. Taking care to avoid his reflection in the mirror, he finishes undressing.
Once seated on the shower chair, his belly resting on his thighs, Viktor turns on the water and runs the stream over his lower body. He stares at the flow sliding over his skin, wishing it could also wash away his mortification. He knew this could happen. The baby presses against his bladder, and his pelvic floor muscles are weaker because of hormone changes. Leaks are normal. He knows that. He knows that many pregnant people experience the same thing. But losing control over yet another bodily function makes him feel self-conscious and horrified, and he hates it.
His shoulders start quivering. Before he knows it, his whole body is shaking with silent sobs.
Jayce knocks twice on the door. Two small knocks that Viktor barely notices, not even looking up when his boyfriend enters the bathroom. He steps into the shower in his boxers, holding a washcloth that he wets before pouring a small amount of soap onto it. “May I?”
Viktor nods once, curled up around the shower head he holds tightly in his hands, and Jayce runs the washcloth over his upper body. He wipes his back before encouraging Viktor to lean back on the chair so he can reach his stomach and upper body – Viktor wonders if he can feel the swelling in his chest as he runs the glove over it, gripping the shower head so tightly at the thought that his knuckles turn white.
Jayce doesn’t say anything as he moves on to his legs, giving slow soothing strokes on his calves, against the inside of his thighs and over his lower stomach, washing away the last remnants of urine. Viktor's body relaxes under the warmth and attention, his tears still running on his cheeks before they mix with water and disappear down the drain.
“Vik?" Jayce asks gently, and Viktor notices he’s trying to take the shower head from his grip. He lets it go without a word, and Jayce rinses him off, taking care not to leave any soap behind. Turning off the water, he grabs a towel that Viktor hadn't noticed he had taken out, and wraps Viktor in it, softly dabbing away his tears with a corner of the fabric. "I'm gonna get you clean clothes, okay?” He says before brushing away a curly strand of hair stuck by the steam, and kissing his temple.
Viktor nods. And with Jayce out of the room, his thoughts race to the conclusion that he’s been trying very hard to avoid. He’ll have to wear pads. His heart clenches in his chest, and he grips the towel tighter. He’d been fortunate not to get much of his period back before getting pregnant, which spared him from having to wear menstrual pads and experience the unpleasant feeling of the cloth between his legs.
His cheeks are not yet completely dry when tears start flowing again, and Viktor wonders when his body will tire from losing so much water.
“It's normal," Jayce says as soon as he enters the bathroom and sees him crying – again. “What happened, it's totally normal, you–"
“I know," Viktor mumbles. “I know. Can you help me get out of here ?"
“‘Course." Jayce holds out a hand, and Viktor pushes himself up. His belly presses forward, disrupting his already unsteady balance, but Viktor clings to Jayce, who helps stabilise him with an arm around his waist.
"Alright.” Jayce crouches in front of him, grabbing a pair of plain black boxers.
Viktor braces himself on Jayce's shoulder, carefully lifting his left foot, then his right, so Jayce can pull the briefs up over his hips. “I should eh…I should probably wear…pads," he suggests in a clipped tone.
Jayce lifts his head, looking him in the eyes. “They’re absorbent. The briefs. I didn't know whether you'd need them, but I thought it'd be better than pads if you did, so…”
As Jayce mentions it, Viktor notices the boxers’ thickness – still, they look like the ones he wears every day, and most importantly, they mean no pads. Without a word, Viktor tugs at Jayce's shoulders to get him to stand up, and hugs him as tightly as he can despite the bump that’s getting in the way. Jayce strokes his back soothingly while Viktor breathes against him, his forehead pressed against his chest.
“I can’t wait to hug without my belly in the way,” he whispers. “Thank you.”
“Me too,” Jayce says, kissing the top of his head multiple times, like he can’t help himself but shower Viktor with affection.
Once Jayce’s helped him in sweatpants and a large t-shirt that probably belongs to him, Viktor lies down on the bed, his back propped by too many pillows. Jayce hands him the large green cardigan Ximena made him for Christmas the year before, a misshapen thing, made with fluffy yarn that was probably too difficult to work with for Ximena's beginner skills. But it’s still warm and comfortable, and exactly what Viktor needs right now.
When he's finished arranging the pillows to his liking, Viktor notices that Jayce is watching him, a small smile on his lips and a soft glint in his eyes.
“What?" Viktor asks, tilting his head.
“Nothing. You're just...you're glowing," Jayce shrugs.
“Nonsense."
“You are,” Jayce insists, joining him on the bed.
“That's not a thing. I haven't washed my hair in at least five days, my dark circles are so deep that it looks like the little one is already here and not sleeping through the night, and the skin on my belly is so dry I’m surprised it hasn’t fallen off,” Viktor rambles.
Jayce shakes his head in fond disagreement, and grabs the jar of cream from the nightstand drawer. “Can I?” He asks with a sign of the head towards Viktor’s belly.
Viktor grunts for good measure, but pulls his T-shirt up above the bump. His skin is so dry that it feels tight, and he knows he will feel better once it is moisturised. “But warm the cream,” he reminds Jayce, pouting.
Chuckling, Jayce does as he’s told, rubbing the balm between his fingers before applying it in gentle strokes to Viktor’s stomach. “Better?”
“Mmh. How was the conference?” Viktor asks to change the subject.
“Uh, it was fine. I’ve spoken to some investors who may be interested in a new prosthetic, so we could look this way for funding.” Jayce takes some more cream and massages it to the sides and underside of his belly. “It was hard, though. Doing it without you.”
“I didn’t think I’d ever say that, because you know how much I hate those events, but…I wish I could’ve been there.” Viktor sighs. He misses the lab. He misses discussing new ideas with Jayce, and building prototypes that seem to lead nowhere, at least until one of them figures out what they’ve been missing all along.
“It’s been hard on you, the pregnancy,” Jayce says softly, looking him in the eyes. Even if the cream has completely penetrated the skin, he’s still caressing Viktor’s stomach, his fingers eliciting goosebumps in their trail.
“I just…I don’t like being pregnant very much.” Viktor sighs again. “Can I say that?”
“Of course you can. You’ve been handling this…just like you handle everything else. By bearing the entire weight yourself, as if it were your burden alone. But you can lean on me, Vik. You can vent when you want to, I’ll always listen.”
“But it makes me feel so ungrateful.” Viktor covers his eyes with his arm, not wanting to see the judgment in Jayce’s eyes, although he knows it’s not very likely he’ll find any.
“There's no obligation to love being pregnant,” Jayce says as he moves to the end of the bed and places Viktor's right foot in his lap. “You can be grateful for the pregnancy while hating the experience, both can be true at the same time. It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad dad.”
As he speaks, Jayce begins gently rubbing his feet and ankle in circular motions, before gently pressing the sole with his thumbs in a walking pattern, and Viktor presses his lips together to avoid whimpering in relief. “Pressure’s okay?” Jayce checks.
"Yes…Perfect. I uh– I've been in a lot of pain this week…More than usual, I mean. I think it's time to get the wheelchair out,” Viktor admits. He’s been avoiding it for a while now, but the pressure on his knee and lower back is too much to bear, and he knows it’ll help with his mobility.
“I’ll get it tomorrow morning.” Jayce kisses his knee before moving on to his other foot.
“And…My hips widened, obviously.” Viktor finds it easier to speak without looking at Jayce, the arm covering his eyes like a shield against the world and how judgemental it tends to be. “I also noticed that my chest has grown a little. It’s not…it’s not very noticeable, but…And the thought of having to use pads earlier—”
“You’re feeling dysphoric,” Jayce provides softly.
“Mmh.” Viktor nods. “It’s like going through female puberty all over again…My body’s changing in feminine ways, and there’s nothing I can do about it. And I’ve felt so…needy when you were gone,” he goes on. “I just– I don’t really feel like myself.”
“You know–” Jayce massages his calf in gentle kneading motions. “I read that some people can no longer stand their partners during pregnancy, while others become even more attached…I much rather it’s the latter for you.”
Viktor hums, feeling a little floaty, like when his body’s held by water, weightless and unburdened, and that everything seems to lose its urgency. Jayce puts cosy socks on his feet, green and brown plaid wool ones, and Viktor can feel him lying on his side next to him.
“For your chest, I read it could happen…It’s the tissue left behind that’s swelling, but it should subside after the birth. And if it doesn’t, you can always do a touch-up,” Jayce offers. “We can discuss it with the doctor at your next appointment if it helps.”
“Mmh, that’d be great,” Viktor says as he opens his eyes and lowers his arm from his face, tilting his head towards Jayce, who’s propped up on his elbow. His t-shirt is straining slightly against his midsection – he’s put on some weight in the past few months, softness hugging his body most beautifully. Viktor hopes he won’t lose it. “Come here,” he says as he opens his arm.
Jayce doesn't need to be asked twice and snuggles up against him, his head resting on his shoulder and a protective hand on Viktor's bump. He breathes him in, lightly kissing his collarbone and his neck, until he becomes suddenly very still.
“Ough, you felt that too, uh?” Viktor says, covering Jayce’s hand with his, right where their little one fiercely kicked.
“Yeah,” Jayce whispers in wonder, and Viktor can hear him sniffling.
“Oh, love,” Viktor chuckles softly, his finger combing through Jayce’s hair. They’re getting long because Viktor usually cuts it for him, but hasn’t found the time in the last few months – he likes it that way, though.
Jayce joins him, laughing as he hides his face against Viktor’s face. “Why am I an emotional mess when you’re the one pregnant?”
“Did you forget the buckets of tears I lost in the bathroom? I don’t have any more water left in me.”
Jayce snorts, leaving his hand spread flat on Viktor’s belly, covering as much skin as possible, his thumb slowly stroking the bump. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Viktor murmurs against the crown of his head.
There’s another kick. A foot strongly thrown against Viktor’s belly, like their baby’s desire to meet their hands is so sharp they’re using all their might to make their presence known.
“Yes, we love you too, little one.” Viktor chuckles.
“We can’t wait to meet you,“ Jayce adds.