Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Goodnight Sif," he whispers to you. "Goodnight Isa," you echo right back.

Last night in the Clocktower.

Things are about to be very different. You're about to see something other than Dormont for the first time in..

Too long.

You sigh and curl into the blanket.

Goodnight stardust.

You blink awake.

You. blink.. awake...

You jerk yourself up. In.. bed??

He's.. he's right beside you. The Fighter. Why?? When???

"Sif?" Sif?? Sif????

No no, wait. this can't be right. This doesn't make any sense.

He doesn't.. you look down at yourself, your.. hands...

No..

No no no no ononononnoononnononononononononononononono--

"You alright?" He mumbles blearily.

You hum, and laugh. Short, but undoubtedly manic. "Of course Fighter, I just need a moment~" a moment. Teehee~

You shove yourself out of bed. You.. stumble into the bathroom.

You think you locked the door, who knows?! You can barely see.

You're dizzy you want to get out..

But you're The Universe's favorite little toy to play with. Harsh and aggressive. Slamming your delicate little porcelain head on the floor until you can no longer tell what it used to be. Mangling your mind past the breaking point because it thinks, "Hah!? What breaking point? This is fun!" Dance for me Loop, act for me...

You don't get a choice.

You catch your face in the mirror once you leave your mind for half a second.

Not. Yours.

Nothing's ever yours!!

Not. a. single. thing.

All his now, pretty little favorite. Stardust

Treated so, so nicely—prized—the better you.~

You're The Universe's play thing, they're the favorite.

You can faintly feel the cold, glassy surface of the mirror you apparently rested your head on.

You want to scream.

You want to throw up.

You want to tear all your skin off layer by layer by layer until you bleed out and die because that would be preferable to whatever the blinding Universe has for you now.

You would rather be in infinite amounts of pain than be in this blinding body.

Your ears ring. You see nothing out of your open eyes. You lose feeling in your feet,

then your hands,

then your legs,

arms,

stomach,

chest,

you can't

feel

anything...

It's dark..

You feel your feet firmly on the ground. It feels distant.

Unreal.

You scan your surroundings.

You're not in that bathroom.

It's cold, yet warm.

It's lightless, yet you can see everything.

There is only one, small, distant feature.

The Favor Tree. You will always recognize it. It is identical to the one in Dormont.

The waterfall just behind it flows infinitely, you cannot see the start and the end just appears blurry. It makes your head hurt.

It appears as though there's nothing else.

You feel as though there are rivers and forests in that deep dark lightless void. Nature you can't quite reach..

Something you know is or should be there yet is absent...

...

A gasp.

Not your own.

It's

"Loop? Loop is that.. oh stars, it is!"

Stardust.

They run towards you,

each of their steps light.

The floor ripples.

It's almost as if he was running over a film of water.

"Loop," His voice is so fond, sweet. Sickly sweet, it's disgusting.

They raise a hand near your bright, sparking face.

"You're, hah, you're here." So, so soft. So, so tender. Affectionate. Foolish..

They brush their hand against your face.

You-

push them away.

He looks startled and hurt.

Just for a moment.

...

"Stardust, I want to know what's going on,

where are we

"why am I back?" you hiss.

He stumbles over his words before eventually managing to give you the least helpful answer you could think of.

"I don't know."

He takes a slight step back, hunching into themself and gripping their own arm.

"I don't know. I went to sleep and.. didn't... wake up

...

I- I did wake up. Here. Not.." they shudder.

"Well that's fun!~ I happened to 'wake up' in my pretty little clone's body. Any idea why that might have happened, hm?"

"You.." they look up at you, tilting their head like a puppy. "What.. Loop, what else happened?" his voice firming, more serious. Letting go of that wet-cat-kicked-puppy act.

"Hmm.~ I don't know stardust.. Why don't you tell me?~ Apparently it's your body after all."

"I already told you I don't.. Loop I don't know anything can you please tell me what just happened"

"Fine," you whine, stretching out the vowels. "Something something, I woke up, rushed to the bathroom, and now I'm here.~ That good enough for you sweetheart?~" You tease. You don't want to see him. You don't want anything..

Stupid sweet darling stardust wants you to pretend though doesn't he. Your precious job, stardust's guide. His lovely guide, made to answer his unending questions and obey their instructions.

Teehee~ you have to after all.

We don't want to bother The Universe with coming down to puppet your corpse of a body because stars forbid you want to stop him..

...

. . .

"Did you see Isa?" Hesitantly, anxiously.

"Maybe.~" Can you kill him here?

"Yes or no..?" You could take his place couldn't you?

"Teehee~ yes I saw your Fighter, stardust." Disgusting..

"Oh.." No one would know. "He's probably.." You could so easily kill him right here and now, "Stars." Finish the job.

"I need to go back. Loop how did you.." You stare at his perfect neck. If you could just squeeze it a little tighter a little longer...

Hahaha.

He rushes off and then promptly blurs into the lightless void that surrounded them.

You fall to your knees—stupid—and start to cry, nails digging into arms.

Stupid Loop, stupid. So so stupid..

Stars you're disgusting.

You cough, and cough again.

Breathing in sharply.

You feel cold. Your hands are cupping running water that you don't remember turning the sink on for. Your head is pressed against the dark glassy surface of the bathroom mirror. You don't remember entering the bathroom..

You shut off the water. You lean back away from the mirror. The door to the bathroom is locked. Quiet whisper-yelling from your family reaches your tired disoriented ears. You unlock the door.

"Frin! What the crab!!"

"Bonnie quiet, please."

"Siffrin.."

They talk over each other, worried about you. It comes off as noise..

"Sif?" Isabeau is the closest to you. You don't know how long he stood there. Or how long Loop had...

Loop had taken.. control..?

Of.. your body...?

You push the thought away.

"Did I wake you all?" You dodge their various questions and concerns. You faintly see Odile squint at you. Bonnie opens their mouth but before they say anything Mira ushers them to bed. Odile steps to her own bed as well..

You're left with Isa. He fidgets. He wants to say something..

"Sif..

Siffrin.. why'd you call me 'Fighter'" he mumbles. So gently...

You startle. You didn't.. You didn't say that?

He shifts his gaze from your face to the floor. "C'mon, Sif, we've got to be well rested for tomorrow" he weakly laughs. Whatever Loop did.. Whatever they said...

You follow him to bed, laying close as you drift off to sleep again.

...

You find yourself in the void of your mind..

Loop's still here..

You feel guilty for whatever you did to upset them..

They...

...

They're sitting on a root, one that wasn't there before. Their starry-head is in their hands. You know they're aware of you, but they don't look up.

...

Makes sense. Disgusting.. That's what you are. You'd hate yourself if you were them. So many good reasons to...

You walk past them. You don't know what you're doing. You decide aimlessly to walk to The Favor Tree..

"I'm going to bed Loop.. Goodnight."

"Goodnight stardust..." their voice is tight..

They walk.. and walk..

The Favor Tree...

You almost want to follow them.

You turn to look at them and find they've nearly disappeared

Lost in the distance...

Stupid.

You want

and want and want

...

You want to...

You rest your head back in your hands.

You don't deserve that.

...

Goodnight stardust..

Goodnight...

The arms of sleep claim and cradle you.

Good.. night...

Chapter Text

You.. wake up..

Again.

His body.. Not yours.

Fine.

It's fine, if you could handle his blinding loops, you can handle this.~

You feel pressure on your arms, and on your back.

Haha stars no.

HAHAHAHA!!!

You shove him off of you. Rubbing your arms quick and rough.

Stars. Blind it.. He's not yours.

He's not yours he's not yours he's not yours he's not yours he's not yours he's not yours he's not yours he's not yours.

You rush off to that stupid blinding bathroom, keeping your eye from the mirror. Because, Universe help you, if you see them in that mirror you might actually lose it.~

...

You feel sick to your stomach. It takes all of the little energy you have not to throw up then and there. The room spins so you shut your eye.

You rub your arms.

Think about that. Isn't that what you're supposed to do? Focus on something?? Ground yourself??? Who knows..

Your arms are warm from the friction.

Stars...

Breathe. Breathe..

In and out.

Hah, still works...

Stardust... Why me...

You hear a grumble in the back of your mind.

Lovely.~

You prepare yourself to open the door. "Prepare" ... There's only so much preparation The Universe will allow you..

The door unlocks with a light click. The Fighter is standing right outside, just as he did the night before..

"Sif, hey, you alright?" He then continues with apologies upon apologies. "I didn't mean to" ugh...

You wave your—the body's—Stardust's.. hand dismissively. "I'm fine.~ Don't worry about me," You half-tease half-reassure with a lilt to your voice. He doesn't seem particularly convinced.

"...If you're sure." He then reluctantly turns back to the main room. You watch him take a few steps before following.

Stardust's party is packing. Light conversation surrounds you; the occasional short laugh from one of the four. You ponder what Stardust could possibly own. A tarp.. Some string.. What else? What did you own...

...

Not yours...

...

"Sif, you know you already packed right? You don't have to pretend to pack just 'cause we are."

Of course he did, they always do. Too afraid to slow people down..

"Aww!~ What if I want to?~~" You tease to watch his face darken. The Researcher eyes you with suspicion.

With that new information you place yourself on the bed Stardust shares with him.

[ Stardust ]

You retreat into the mental space you share with them. They're sitting peacefully.

[ Your turn. ]

He complains and groans but reluctantly takes your place in his own body.~

[ Teehee~ ]

You find yourself on your bed in The Clocktower—Your family is packing, you finished packing your few belongings the night before—Your legs are crossed and you have your face pulled into a painfully fake smile. You drop into a looser smile, uncrossing your legs, then grumble quietly.

"Siffrin?" Mira questions. You hum in response, confused. You can feel Odile staring. Asking herself questions until she can find a reasonable theory to share. Or to just keep to herself.

...

You...

You hear the last click of a bag. They're finished and started to filter out of the room, bags in hand. You reach to grab your own.

"Siffrin—" Odile reaches toward to you, not to touch but to get your attention "—What happened last night?" You startle and bring your arm back under your cloak, close to your chest.

You sputter..

Think, think, what did happen. Loop...

Loop happened...

"I had a nightmare.." You stutter.

She squints, "What about?"

"..."

She waits for an answer.

"Something from the loops, I can hardly remember it now.." You answer.

She hums, "Well, if you do remember let one of us know." She says. More as an offer than obligation.

She continues behind the rest of your family, you follow behind her after picking up your bag.

...

As you walk you realize how little you had actually slept. You stumble down step after step..

The group is led enthusiastically by the youngest of the five. They must have made food earlier because Bonnie shoves a breakfast burrito into your hand once you reach the doorway to the kitchen. They exclaim something you could barely understand then skip off.

You take a small bite as you walk. It tastes like something.

You can't tell.

Everyone's voices sound farther.

You can barely focus on your next step before you take it automatically.

...

. . .

. . .

You walk. And walk and walk. Your food is good; you think.

One bite after another until it's finished.

One step after another until the next break.

You don't listen to the conversations of your family.

...

. . .

"So! What do you think Sif?" Isa asks.

You look up at him.

"..Cats or dogs, Siffrin, I need to know!!!" Mira elaborates.

You hum.. "Cats.~"

"Nooooo, how could youuu," Isa whines.

You laugh.

...

They seem confused but you don't know why.

...

. . .

You stop.

You eat with them.

You say nothing and barely listen.

. . .

You stop again.

Someone is tired.

They take a break.

. . .

. . .

. . .

How long can you walk?

"Its starting to get dark," Someone mentions.

Probably Odile or Isa.

You think you ate a second time at some point.

Maybe rested.

Who knows.

You don't pay attention.

You wait for them to stop. Then you wait for them to start setting camp.

You take your own materials and set up the tarp and string between two sturdy trees.

Minimal materials and warm.

A tent.

You push the "door" flap up to set your few belongings beneath and on top of the safety of an old waterproof tarp.

Everything is placed neatly into the corner.

The thick ground pad you own laid flat as far as it could be from the open air. On top, a small but thick blanket. You stay warm with your cloak, the blanket is there for extra padding.

Its tent feels inviting and safe. Big enough for just one.

You're exhausted.

You decide to lay on the blanket and fall asleep.

It's warm and comfortable.

It's quiet and familiar.

...

The feeling of sleep lies down on you as you drift off..

. . .

It cradles your body...

. . .

Goodnight

. . .

Good.. night..

. . .