Work Text:
If I should stay, I'll only be in your way
I had to escape. My chest was heaving, but I managed to make it into the alley behind KC's before completely losing it. Great, gasping sobs wracked my body as I slumped against the dirty brick wall. I was never going to touch tequila again. Every time, it only ended up breaking my heart even more. And I couldn't take anymore of this heartache. Not to mention the embarrassment. It was like I couldn't help but be in the middle of all of these embarrassingly huge public spectacles. Oh, there's Lorelai, screwing up again. I wanted to hide and never show my face again.
For the first time, I started to think about leaving Stars Hollow. Maybe that guy from the Durham Group was still interested. I knew I couldn't outrun my memories of Luke, but staying here was just making it too easy to continually make a fool of myself. Rory was about to leave the nest. I had the Dragonfly, but I could do some traveling and still retain ownership. It's not like I'd be gone forever, just until things settled, until I could stop loving Luke so much.
So I'll go, but I know I'll
Think of you every step of the way
I felt him coming closer before I saw him. I wiped a fresh wave of tears from my face and looked up to face him. He looked pained. God, I embarrassed him.
"Are you okay?" he asked softly.
"No," I said, my voice cracked and hoarse. "I'm sorry," I added.
"For what?" He looked genuinely confused.
"For humiliating you," I answered morosely. "I know you're a private person, and I just aired our dirty laundry in one tequila-soaked serenade."
"So it was for me?" He looked so serious, so handsome. I wanted to throw myself into his arms, like I used to. I missed him. I missed us together.
"It was supposed to be for Rory, it was a joke. And then..." I trailed off helplessly.
"Come on," he said, pulling me gently by the arm. "I'll make you some coffee." He led me through the town square, toward the diner. I was surprised when he pulled me around the back, through the other entrance. "Don't want the town crazies thinking I'm open," he explained gruffly, noticing my look of confusion.
He led me up to the apartment, and my heart began to pound. The last time I had been up here, we had made love. Only I hadn't known then that it would be the last time for both of those things.
It was a few days after that birthday party. The one that I thought was going to be a turning point. Well, I guess I wasn't entirely wrong about that. It was a turning point - just in the wrong direction. I had been so excited to share this part of his life. How had it gotten so screwed up?
After April found him, our nights together seemed to spread further and further apart. He made so many excuses to be at the diner overnight, and I just didn't feel like inviting myself over. When we were first dating, he would drop hints or say things that told me he wanted me to stay. He'd ask if I needed to run by the house to pick up clothes, or if he should wait up for me. But after April came into his life, he would say goodnight and that was that. And forget him spending the night at my place, even though I thought he would have moved in after the renovations were done.
Just the memory of that last time made my eyes sting with fresh tears. He'd been just as attentive and loving as usual, showering me with kisses and caressing my body. He usually liked to take his time making love to me, soft and unhurried, like we had all the time in the world. And I thought we did.
Bittersweet memories
That is all I'm taking with me
Luke unlocked the door, and ushered me into the apartment. I looked around, taking in the changes. A few splashes of color, a new bedspread on Jess' old twin bed. I sat gingerly on the couch, tucking my hands underneath my thighs. I didn't know what I was doing up here. I was still pretty tipsy, but despite that it seemed like being alone with Luke in his apartment was a monumentally bad idea.
"I like the changes," I said, trying to pretend that it wasn't horrible and awkward to be here.
He chuckled. "Yeah, April introduced me to Target. She helped me realize how depressing this place was."
"Ah," I said, feeling a stab of pain and willing the tears to stay away. How could he be so casual about something that had tore me apart? But even as I felt that surge of anger, a wave of guilt crashed into me, nearly taking my breath away. Despite the complete betrayal of not telling me about his daughter and not sharing that part of his life with me, I had hurt him so much worse when I had gone to Christopher.
He had already pulled the coffee maker out of his cabinet. I was surprised that he still had it. But then, Luke was the type of person to hold onto things, even if they made him sad. That Williams Hardware sign outside probably reminded him every day about his dad, but he adamantly refused to take it down. Maybe the idea that he hung on to it was a good sign - he didn't want to expel my memory from his life.
I was still lost in my thoughts when he held out the mug of hot coffee in front of me. I took it, refusing to meet his eyes. I knew if I looked into his eyes, I'd start crying all over again, and I wanted to at least pretend I was getting a grip on myself.
We both know I'm not what you, you need
"You deserve better than this," I mumbled, staring into my cup.
"Better than what?" he asked, still moving around the kitchen.
"Me. This. All I've done the last year is hurt you."
"I hurt you, too," he said quietly.
"I should have waited," I said, feeling fresh tears spill down my face. "I should have waited forever. I've been so miserable this past year."
"You don't deserve that either," he said, sitting down across from me on the coffee table.
"I do deserve it, I got everything I deserved. You need someone who isn't so selfish."
"I need you," he whispered, reaching his hand out to cup my cheek. I closed my eyes, focusing on the feel of his touch.
"You don't mean that," I whispered back. "I'm a horrible person. I hurt everyone I love. I was too focused on myself and my pain, I didn't even think about the consequences."
"And I hate myself for letting you get to that point," he said, gently moving his hand from my cheek to tip my chin up toward him. I finally met his eyes. They were so blue and endless.
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of
"I can't do this anymore," I blurted. He pulled back, surprised.
"Do what?" he asked, looking alarmed.
"Hurt you. Be hurt. It's tearing me apart. I just can't." I took a deep breath, looking down again. "I was thinking about calling that guy from the Durham group. Maybe a little travel could clear my head, you know?"
"No," he replied. My head snapped up to look at him. His jaw was set, and he was gazing at me with a look I couldn't describe.
"No?" I asked.
"Lorelai, listen. I don't know what's going on between us, but I do know that I'm not ready to let you go."
"Y-you're not?" I stammered. He noticed my hands beginning to shake, and he took the almost full cup from me and set it beside him on the coffee table. Then he grabbed my hands in his, and looked at me intently.
"Lorelai," he began, hesitantly. "I know you think I will never forgive you, but I have. I was ready to forgive you that night you came to the hospital when April had her appendix out."
"But I was -" I gasped, feeling even more tears well up in my eyes. I was starting to feel dizzy from all the crying and I could feel a headache forming.
"Yeah. You were." I'll never forget the look on Luke's face when he saw the plain gold wedding band I was wearing that day. Suddenly, it made sense why he had given me that look of complete and utter devastation. He had forgiven me, he wanted to try again. But I had already given up hope.
"I'd given up," I said quietly, ducking my head. "I thought Chris was my last chance at - you know, the middle, the whole package."
"And now?" he asked, bending down to look me in the eyes again.
"I don't know," I said.
But above all this, I wish you love
"I love you," he said softly, still bent forward, looking into my eyes. I blinked, and a few tears rolled down my face. He gently wiped them away. "Do you love me?"
"Always," I practically whimpered. He didn't even hesitate after that. He pulled me to him, and pressed his lips firmly yet still gently to mine. I clung to his shoulders, reveling in the feeling of kissing him again, after almost a whole year had passed since the last time.
"Let me show you how much I love you," he said into my ear. I felt a shiver run down my spine. He got up, taking my hand to pull me with him. I followed dumbly, as he led us to his bed.
We stood facing each other beside the mattress, and I hesitated. I was still somewhat drunk, so I didn't know if it was still the tequila talking, or if this was actually a good idea. "What are we doing?" I asked.
"I'm letting my actions speak," he replied, pulling me closer.
And I will always love you
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but there was no happily ever after at the end of that movie, right?" he asked, as we lay in his bed, our limbs still tangled together.
"What movie?" I asked sleepily.
"The one with the song you sang."
"The Bodyguard?"
"Yeah."
"How did you end up seeing The Bodyguard?"
"I have a sister," he said drily.
"But that movie came out when Rory was 8. I remember because it wasn't long after the clown birthday incident. So I was ... " I did the math in my head, which was harder than usual with the remains of all that Cuervo in my system.. "I was 24. You were not still living with her when you were 27."
"Fine, I had girlfriends."
"There's no way Rachel took you to that movie. It must have been..." I realized exactly who he saw that movie with. The timing fit perfectly. The comfortable companionship between us shifted into awkward silence.
"Lorelai," Luke said softly, shifting his body to face me. I turned my head to look at him. "I shouldn't have kept you and April apart. It was a mistake, and I will be paying for it every day in time lost. If we do this again, and I hope to god we do, then I promise I won't shut you out anymore." I let out a breath, feeling more tears slip out as I tried to smile. Luke brushed them away with his fingers. "I love you," he whispered. "And I always will."
"I love you, too," I whispered back. "But you're forgetting something."
"What's that?" he asked, pulling my body against his and wrapping his arms tightly around me.
"That song was all Dolly."