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His eyes stared straight at him through his reflection. He could see how expressive the was, but he’s father always said it was what made him oh so “weak”, and he believed it.
He knew. Deep down he knew this wasn’t good for him to do. He knew he needed to stop. But every single fiber of his body screamed at him if he didn’t. The voices got louder. And Louder. Till he couldn’t take it.
Apollo looked high and low, scavenging through his drawers looking for something. That something being a sharp edge to silent the voices, the ever growing, loud, terrible voices that just wouldn’t. Stop.
Then he found it, right where he put it last, hidden above his mirror, resting at the top the slight handle peaking over, mocking him, as if saying he’s a coward and deserve this.
Apollo grabbed the knife, and with a deep breath he rolled he’s selves up just for his face to be met with scars old and new, a few being burn marks old and new some from a day prior when Zeus- no. It wasn’t father he wouldn’t do that, it was- it was the bolts they- they were angered, angry at him and they had struck him.
With the knife in his hands and his mind racing, he dragged the sharp tip across his arm making the first cut. Ichor flowed down slowly, and Apollo couldn’t look away, couldn’t stop watching.
Eajc new cut was like salt to fresh wounds, wounds he could never erase.
He had failed hyacinthus.
He failed Daphne.
He couldn’t even save he’s kids from the pain.
He was a mistake.
Why? Oh why couldn’t he be like his siblings.
They were flawless, perfect, they did everything right.
He didn’t.
With each cut Apollo muttered a word to go with them each.
Ugly, flawed, broken, a burden, weak, emotional, imperfect.
Apollo knew he had to stop, but the sight of his ichor dripping from him was like a match to a flame, causing him to make another slice. Ichor flowed like a river on his arm, Apollo winced at the slight burning sensation after every cut he made.
Each cut was paired with a thought.
A reminder. A reminder he has to become flawless and perfect. Or so he thought.
Apollo was stuck in a trance, not able to stop, not until he heard a knock from out of his room. It sounded faint to his ears but he could still hear it and then a voice followed after “sweetheart? Dinner is ready, told to come get ya.”
Apollo didn’t reply back, not trusting his voice enough to respond. He hadn’t even realized it but he had tears streaming down his face, like a never ending faucet.
“You there? Doll’??” Lit stood on the other side of the door waiting for Apollo to reply to him, but he never did. Now that was worrying for him cause Apollo always replayed with some snide remark. Lit took a deep breath and turned the handle announcing out “I’m coming in if that’s okay!”
Apollo looked to his arms as the ichor still poured from them, he rushed to rid the knife of his blood but it was too late, Lit was at the door with wide eyes staring at him.
“Lit…I’m- I- im im so so so sorry, you- you weren’t supposed to find out….you weren’t supposed to find out!!” Apollo had long abandoned the knife since making eye contact with Lit, having retreated to the corner of the floor, his breath uneven and rapid.
Lit was cautious, staring at Apollo's form on the ground rocking back and forth, random words of apologies coming from his mouth. He walked forward, his palms up, he kneeled down in front of Apollo, and with his foot knocked the knife away from them.
“Hun….”
“Pleasepleasepleaseplesse. Please don’t be mad!!! I’m sorry I’m sorry-“ Apollos eyes went everywhere, never landing on one thing, not able to focus, and then he was back in the throne room being stricken down over and over again.
“Oh baby…I'm not mad… I could never be mad at you for something like- like this…” lit carefully cupped Apollo's face in his hand getting his attention, he moved Apollos face so they were looking at each other and so Apollo wouldn’t look at the blood dripping down.
Before Apollo could be dragged further into his mind, he kissed his forehead, saying comforting words, reassuring Apollo it was okay and to take deep breaths, but he wasn’t sure if it was for Apollo or for himself, probably for both.
Lit took his lover's hands and helped him up, guiding him to the edge of the bathtub in the bathroom for him to sit down. As he turned around to gather some bandages and disinfection wipes Apollo had fallen silent, not saying a word since lit had calmed him down enough for the tears to cease.
The two sat in comfortable silence as lit wrapped Apollos arms, even if he was able to heal himself that he wasn’t able to, the knife having been made of metal that harmed gods.
When lit finally finished wrapping his wounds he guided him to sit on his bed facing each other. Lit rarely would cry, but right now, knowing his love, he’s everything. Was hurting to the point he would harm himself? Stung so much for him that he’s eyes pricked with water welling up at the edges.
“What’s going on in that big head of yours…” lit sniffed, holding Apollo's hand in his, gently giving a kiss to the top of it “I wish you’d tell me this stuff, you don’t have to carry things on your own…we’re- we’re here for you”
Apollo nodded numbly, he felt ashamed of himself having been caught. Lit took Apollo's face gently in his hands and put a light sweet tender kiss on his forehead. Apollo leaned into the touch desperately, as if it would all go away if he wasn’t focused, and that kiss to his head was like his world, it grounded him.
Lit held Apollo close to his chest adjusting both of them to lay on the bed, him spooning his lover. His mind raced now seeing the signs of struggle, yet he was to stupid to see. “I’m sorry….i love you”
As lit finished his words Apollo turned his head giving lit a kiss; it was gently and sweet, a way to ground each other holding their bodies close and tight.
As they broke apart the last words to fall from Apollo's mouth before falling to sleep was “I love you too lit..” causing lit to squeeze his Apollo tighter to him, slowly feeling Apollo's breath even out, himself following ten minutes after thinking.
It would take time, but lit will help Apollo till the day he dies, just so his lover could smile without being scared of harm.