Work Text:
INT. – STRIKE TEAM BREAK ROOM – DAY
BROCK RUMLOW and JACK ROLLINS, both dressed in STRIKE shirts and jackets, are sitting in the break room, directly facing the camera. The recording fades in while Rumlow is talking, indicating that this is a preview of the following Interview.
RUMLOW
The Secret Santa thing? I think that’s really good for team building.
ROLLINS
You [censored] hate it.
RUMLOW
I [censored] hate it.
Rollins grins. Rumlow looks directly at the camera.
RUMLOW
You’ll cut that, right?
CAMERAPERSON
Nah, we’re keeping it.
RUMLOW
Son of a [censored].
INT./EXT. – THE TRISKELION – DAY
A montage of recordings from inside and outside of the Triskelion, accompanied with solemn instrumental music.
VOICEOVER
The Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division, or S.H.I.E.L.D. for short, has been acting in the shadows for decades to protect humanity, and are best known for uniting the world’s mightiest heroes in the Battle of New York. But what is going on behind the closed Triskelion doors? What does S.H.I.E.L.D. do when there’s no urgent alien threat in downtown Manhattan? Join us as we uncover the well-guarded secrets of this mysterious agency.
TITLE CARD:
INSIDE S.H.I.E.L.D. – Episode 11: Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
INT. – STRIKE TEAM BREAK ROOM – DAY
Rumlow and Rollins in the break room, like in the opening sequence. Rumlow holds a plastic cup of coffee.
RUMLOW
(holding his cup in the camera’s direction)
You want some?
(Inaudible answer)
Okay, fine.
(drinks)
CUT TO:
Rollins leaning over to Rumlow and whispering something. Rumlow laughs.
CUT TO:
Rumlow and Rollins are serious again.
RUMLOW
Hello America. I’m Brock Rumlow, I’m the commander of STRIKE team Alpha, S.H.I.E.L.D.’s supreme STRIKE team, and this is Jack Rollins, my second-in-command.
ROLLINS
(nods meaningfully)
EXT.- SOME BATTLEFIELD – DAY
A montage of STRIKE team Alpha in the field, with a special focus on Rumlow and Rollins. Muffled shouting and gunshots.
VOICEOVER
STRIKE team Alpha, the most outstanding task force of S.H.I.E.L.D., and often considered one of the best of the entire U.S., is called in to fight the most dangerous terroristic threats. The members of this excellently trained team are risking their lives for our safety every day.
INT. – STRIKE BREAK ROOM – DAY
RUMLOW
I mean, it’s not like we’re doing this every day. We got boring office hours too.
ROLLINS
We do it most of the time though.
RUMLOW
Yeah, we do.
INT. - BRIEFING ROOM – DAY
The members of STRIKE team Alpha standing around a table, hunched over a map, while Rumlow explains something. Inaudible dialogue.
VOICEOVER
But what is STRIKE team Alpha like outside of battle? Are they just a bunch a people who happen to work together, or are they one big family just like the S.H.I.E.L.D. commercials suggest? And do they have something special planned for the holidays?
INT. – STRIKE TEAM BREAK ROOM – DAY
RUMLOW
Alexander Pierce, the Secretary, wants us to do a Secret Santa exchange. Every year. We’ll gather around this afternoon to draw lots. He always promises it’s fun, but honestly, I don’t see the appeal.
ROLLINS
He’s scared he’ll get Sitwell.
RUMLOW
Shut the [censored] up.
INT. – BRIEFING ROOM – DAY
All members of STRIKE team Alpha have gathered around the table, plus three people who wear casual business clothes instead of STRIKE jackets. JASPER SITWELL enters the room. He makes each of them draw a piece of paper from a pot. Inaudible chatter.
CUT TO:
Brock Rumlow in a corner of the briefing room while some team members are still waiting for their turn.
RUMLOW
So, I got my gift partner
(holds up his piece of paper)
and it is ---
(opens it)
Jack Rollins. Okay, that’s --- that’s easy. We spend a lot of time together, you know. In the field, in training. Know each other somehow. Him being my SIC and everything. Yeah, that’s --- that’s going to be fun.
(forced smile)
CUT TO:
Jack Rollins also unrolling his piece of paper.
ROLLINS
I got ---
(reads, frowns)
Who’s --- Who’s Ian?
Someone steps forward from behind the camera and whispers something into his ear.
ROLLINS
(directed at that person)
Oh. Okay. Yeah. Thanks.
(at the camera again)
So, looks like I’ve drawn our current intern. I haven’t met him, I think he’s just doing --- administration and stuff.
CUT TO:
IAN THE INTERN, visibly nervous and shaking, constantly adjusting his glasses.
IAN THE INTERN
So, I got --- I got Agent Brown, and I know she’s --- She’s very intimidating. I haven’t actually met her, she’s just ---
(whispering)
Oh God, she’s looking at me now!
(clears throat)
I’m --- No, I’m cool with this, I’ll get her something. It’s fine. It’s fine.
CUT TO:
The camera is approaching AGENT BROWN who looks at her piece of paper and seems a bit confused.
BROWN
(looking at the camera)
So, uhm --- That’s a bit awkward right here. See, I drew Agent Jenkins – who was unalived in a river a few years ago, unfortunately.
(Inaudible question from behind the camera)
Yeah, no, I also don’t know why his name is still in here. He was a great guy, everyone loved him.
INTERCUT STRIKE BREAK ROOM
RUMLOW
(to some of his team members, unaware of the cameras)
That son of a [censored] Jenkins can [censored] my [censored] [censored]. I [censored] on his [censored] grave, thank God I’ll never have to see his [censored] face again, that [censored] [censored] deserves to rot in [censored].
BRIEFING ROOM
BROWN
So --- It’s going to be an easy Secret Santa for me, I guess.
(smiles)
CUT TO:
Jasper Sitwell in another corner of the briefing room.
JASPER SITWELL
I’ve been informed that we had the name of an unalived person in that pot, unfortunately. That’s a really awkward situation, I don’t know how that’s possible.
(looks around nervously)
That means someone will end up without a gift, and that’s --- That’s really sad.
INT. – STRIKE BREAK ROOM – DAY
HELEN FINSTERWALDT, one of the non-STRIKE people previously seen in the briefing room, is sitting on a chair in front of the camera and adjusts her beige cardigan.
FINSTERWALDT
(emotionless)
I did it. I put that name in the box.
CUT TO:
The same frame, but Finsterwaldt’s chair has been moved a bit to the right.
FINSTERWALDT
My name is Helen Finsterwaldt, I’m the paper pusher of this place. These guys out there? They have no clue how it works.
(mocking)
Bang-bang-bang, look at my big gun, I unalived so many people with this gun.
(normal voice again)
Yes, but can you fill out a vacation request form? No. You can’t.
CUT TO:
The same frame, but Finsterwaldt’s chair has been moved even further to the right.
FINSTERWALDT
I like to make people uncomfortable. Not enough so they notice. Just a little bit, so they’re like, “something’s wrong here”.
CAMERAPERSON
Could you please move your chair back to the middle of the frame?
FINSTERWALDT
No.
CUT TO:
The same frame, but Finsterwaldt’s chair is clearly on the right side now.
FINSTERWALDT
So, about that Secret Santa thing --- I think it’s fun. People give little gifts to each other. That’s nice. And sometimes hilarious. One time, a rookie had to gift Agent Rumlow and thought it would be easy – the guy is infamous for using criminal amounts of AXE body spray. So he just gets a can of this AXE stuff – but he accidentally buys the pride edition with the rainbow on it!
(laughs)
CAMERAPERSON
What’s so funny about that?
FINSTERWALDT
Oh, sorry, you probably don’t know that: Agent Rumlow is not gay. He’s absolutely heterosexual. A zero on the Kinsey Scale. Not into dudes. Exclusively ---
CAMERAPERSON
Okay, yes, I get it.
FINSTERWALDT
So, when Agent Rollins sticks his [censored] up Agent Rumlow’s [censored] and makes him [very long censored noise], that’s just a friendly [censored] between coworkers. And the fact that they share an apartment, a car and a bank account, that’s just for convenience. The marriage? Only for tax reasons.
CAMERAPERSON
They’re married?
FINSTERWALDT
(puts a finger on her lips, whispers)
Not yet, but shhh.
(in normal voice)
Anyway, where were we? Secret Santa. Funny thing, every once in a while someone tries to gift the Asset to someone else. That’s always really entertaining, to say the least.
CAMERAPERSON
What asset?
TITLE CARD:
WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE STAND BY.
INT. – S.H.I.E.L.D. TECH BASEMENT – DAY
MARCUS DOMINGUEZ, another non-STRIKE person, is sitting on a swivel chair in front of lots of screens. It’s quite dark in here, but there are many glowing control lamps and buttons.
DOMINGUEZ
Hi, I’m Marcus, I’ve been working for S.H.I.E.L.D. for five years, and I’m obviously no STRIKE team.
(gestures down their slim body and laughs)
I’m just the tech person who does the computer stuff. But I like the STRIKE guys. There’s always --- an air of danger around them, you know? Like something --- something dark, something wicked. Like they have a big secret. And that’s --- That’s just really exciting.
CAMERAPERSON
And you work in this basement?
DOMINGUEZ
Yeah, I love it! Look at the walls, that’s beautiful. Very relaxing work atmosphere.
The camera is turned around and captures a wall decorated with blurred out items.
DOMINGUEZ
I won’t give you names, but some of the STRIKE guys really like it here. I think I’m something of an honorary STRIKE Alpha member by now.
CAMERAPERSON
So you’re participating in their Secret Santa exchange?
DOMINGUEZ
Yes, I do! I got Aaron Jones, that’s a new one, I don’t know him that well. But with rookies, it’s always a good idea to gift manuals.
INTERCUT: STRIKE BREAK ROOM
FINSTERWALDT
It’s always a good idea to gift manuals. It entertains you for a while and it is helpful.
(pulls a thick stack of paper out of her cardigan)
That’s what I’d recommend for rookies. It’s the 400-pages “How To Get Started With S.H.I.E.L.D. – A guide to the workings of a government agency that’s not just about superheroes”. It’s a really exciting read, so I really recommend this one.
S.H.I.E.L.D. TECH BASEMENT
DOMINGUEZ
I’m thinking about gifting “How To Get Started With S.H.I.E.L.D. – A guide to the workings of a government agency that’s not just about superheroes”, I really liked this one. Very exciting read.
A lamp on the screen blinks and makes an alarming noise.
DOMINGUEZ
Oh, sorry, I need to go back to work. Seems like an attack, don’t want anyone to leak our deep, dark government secrets.
(laughs)
INT. – TRISKELION HALLWAYS – DAY
A montage of Triskelion hallways, accompanied with mildly unsettling music.
VOICEOVER
S.H.I.E.L.D. has been playing their cards close to the chest for quite a long time. What secrets do they hide? We’re about to get some insight.
INT. – TRISKELION BASEMENT HALLWAY – NIGHT
Agent Brown and AGENT SMITH are sneaking through the hallways with a flashlight, followed by the cameras.
BROWN
(looks at the camera over her shoulder; whispering)
Rumor has it that the Asset will be at the Secret Santa event, and now we’re just going to take a look if it’s already awake. But we have to be really quiet. And no sudden moves, it’s really sensitive when it just got out of the freezer. I’m so excited!
(smiles in anticipation)
They continue walking through the hallways until they reach a steel door. Agent Brown and Agent Smith each enter a code. The door opens.
INT. – ASSET BASEMENT – NIGHT
THE ASSET, a person-like statue, is standing on a pedestal, not looking very alive due to the thin layer of ice on its skin. Its body is modestly clothed in black boxer briefs. Agent Brown only looks at the Asset very briefly, then turns back to the camera.
BROWN
Yessss, it’s there! It’s not awake yet, still in the defrosting state of the process, but ---
Brown takes another look at the Asset and notices a blurred out shape drawn on the Asset’s forehead. She frowns.
BROWN
(across the room)
Rufus! Ru-fus!
RUFUS, an older man in a lab coat, appears. He looks around, notices the camera and seems a bit confused.
RUFUS
What’s --- What’s going on in here? Why --- why are there cameras?
BROWN
They’re a documentary crew, it’s okay. Ignore them. What’s more important ---
(gestures towards the Asset)
Why, Rufus. Why.
INTERCUT: STRIKE BREAK ROOM
Agent Brown sitting on a chair, talking to the camera.
BROWN
So, the problem I had with Rufus down there --- Which is not just a me problem, it’s a problem for all of us ---
She looks away, visibly thinking about how to put it into words, then looking directly at the camera again.
BROWN
Someone drew a [censored] on the Asset’s forehead. With a sharpie. And I know Rufus never bothers to remove this kind of [censored]. Yeah, I get it, guard duty gets boring, oh look, what if we drew a [censored] on the Asset’s face, hahaha funny, blah-blah-blah. Yeah okay, do it, but you could at least have the courtesy to remove it before you send the Asset into [censored] battle!
ASSET BASEMENT
RUFUS
What’s your problem? I know that ---
BROWN
What’s my problem? You know that you’re supposed to take care of this! Were you going to send it into the field like this? Oh look, the most dangerous assassin in the world, oh what’s that? A [censored] on his forehead? Ridiculous!
RUFUS
Jesus, fine, I’m sorry. I’ll take care of it as soon as he’s awake.
BROWN
I very much hope so. This is just bad for our reputation, Rufus.
INTERLUDE: Christmas music or something? reindeer animation?? idk, let the editor come up with something fancy
INT. – TRISKELION HALLWAY – DAY
Jasper Sitwell standing in front of the briefing room, surrounded by agents.
SITWELL
(to the camera)
Today is the day! I think everyone’s pretty excited by now.
(to the agents in front of him)
Okay, let’s move in, everyone!
He opens the briefing room door.
BRIEFING ROOM
Small presents, mostly wrapped in colorful paper or at least some gift ribbon, each with a little name tag attached to it, have been placed on a long table in the middle of the room. The Asset is sitting at the table. It is also decorated with a ribbon, and there’s also a name tag dangling from its ear.
MULTIPLE AGENTS
Ah! Oh!
SITWELL
Oh, [censored] me.
CUT TO:
Jasper Sitwell in a corner of the room, looking at the camera.
SITWELL
So, I just became aware that someone on this team thought it would be a good idea go gift the Asset. This is not funny. It was not funny the first time someone did it, and it’s not funny now.
AGENT FROM OFFSCREEN
It is funny!
SITWELL
The Asset is an unalively weapon, not a Secret Santa gift.
The camera pans across the room, showing people unwrapping their gifts. The most popular items are books and tactical gear; AGENT MATTHEWS receives knitting equipment.
MATTHEWS
(holds the equipment up to the camera)
That’s a really thoughtful gift. I like to pass the boring time in the van by knitting scarves for the team. It’s nice!
CUT TO:
BROWN
I got these wonderful tactical gloves. Been toying with the idea of getting some of those, but for some reason never did. These are wonderful, they’re so warm, but not too thick, so you have no problem moving your fingers.
She demonstrates this by putting on one of the gloves and wiggling her fingers.
CUT TO:
DOMINGUEZ
(very excited)
I can’t believe it!
They hold up some kind of bracelet.
CAMERAPERSON
What’s that?
DOMINGUEZ
Widow bites! It’s a kind of electroshock weapon. Well, it says here they’re downgraded. But well, I’m not a professional, and I bet those still sting! Very good for self-defense!
They turn around, look across the room and wave at Agent Brown who grins and waves back.
CUT TO:
FINSTERWALDT
(holding up her gift)
So, I received --- paperclips! I love these. They’re multi-color. I never knew paperclips came in colors! Look: red and green and yellow and pink and ---
The camera leaves her while she keeps talking, and pans over to Jack Rollins who is currently unwrapping his gift. It’s a small box with a very pretty knife inside. Rollins smiles and lets the box disappear in his pocket, giving the camera an angry look.
CUT TO:
BROWN
Okay, one word about Agent Rollins’s gift: That knife is not standard S.H.I.E.L.D. issue. As far as I can tell, this is the really good stuff and costs a fortune. That’s not something you gift to a coworker-you-think-is-kind-of-okay. That’s a [censored] marriage proposal.
The camera pans over to Rumlow who is standing in a corner, arms crossed, watching everyone unwrap their gifts while he himself doesn’t have anything to unwrap.
CUT TO:
Ian the Intern standing next to the Asset, eyeing it suspiciously.
IAN THE INTERN
(to the camera)
Uhm --- as far as I can tell --- I have been gifted, uhm --- a person.
MATTHEWS
(from across the room)
It’s not a person!
IAN THE INTERN
So, uhm --- a not-a-person that looks pretty much like a person to me. I, uhm. Don’t really know what to do with it? But, uhm. It’s the thought that counts, I guess? And it’s --- it’s nice. Yeah.
(nods)
CUT TO:
RUMLOW
So, everyone’s having a great time. I didn’t get a gift, but hey, that’s what happens when you throw an unalive person in the pool.
MATTHEWS
(from across the room)
Bold thing to say about a guy who got unalived in a body of water!
VOICE FROM OFF CAMERA
Someone’s not getting a gift? Unbelievable.
Rumlow’s face turns pale at the sound of the voice. The room falls silent. The camera pans over to the door and captures LAWRENCE JENKINS, the presumed-unalive agent, dressed in a STRIKE uniform and with a wrapped gift in his hands. He walks up to Rumlow.
JENKINS
Why the [censored] do I see so many upset faces on a glorious evening like this, huh? Some more smiles, please!
RUMLOW
(in shock)
You’re unalive.
Jenkins laughs and spreads his arms.
JENKINS
That is a blatant lie, Agent. Or do I look unalive to you? Look, I’m so alive, I even brought you something!
He hands Rumlow the gift; Rumlow takes it, almost frozen in place.
JENKINS
Cat got your tongue? I remember how you’d run your mouth all the time, cracking one joke after another. What happened?
Nobody says a word. Nobody moves. It even seems like everyone has stopped breathing.
Jenkins laughs; it sounds mildly nervous. Then he taps his cheek. His face flickers, and he is revealed to be Jasper Sitwell in a Nano Mask.
SITWELL
Ta-dah!
EVERYONE
(Silence.)
SITWELL
Hey, come on, a bit more enthusiasm, please! It took me ages to get his face and accent right.
Agent Brown slowly starts clapping. The rest of the room joins in hesitantly.
SITWELL
(laughs and takes a bow)
Thank you! Thank you!
DOMINGUEZ
(from the background)
Who wants gingerbread and cookies?
CUT TO:
Jasper Sitwell is standing next to a small buffet piled up with gingerbread, cookies and other kinds of candy.
SITWELL
(to the camera)
I just couldn’t let that happen. Someone not getting a gift? Broke my heart. I actually attended drama class in high school, so that came in handy.
(laughs, looks around)
Is there --- is there a problem?
He leans over to Agents Matthews who is putting some of the displayed cookies on his plate.
SITWELL
(to Matthews)
Hey. What’s going on with him?
CUT TO:
Agent Smith standing next to the window, eating a gingerbread man.
SMITH
(to the camera, while chewing)
Sitwell is an unalived man, I’ll tell you that. Rumlow had some severe issues with Agent Jenkins back then. Didn’t like the guy at all. So, as soon as he gets the chance ---
Agent Smith slowly and noisily bites the head off his gingerbread man.
CUT TO:
Ian the Intern is standing next to the Asset which is still sitting at the table, decorated with a ribbon and a name tag that says IAN. He is eating cookies and tries to offer the Asset some, but the Asset just stares at him in confusion.
IAN THE INTERN
So, uhm --- I’m trying to feed him now --
MATTHEWS
(from the background)
It’s not a “he”!
IAN THE INTERN
I’m trying to feed it now --- But, apparently, it doesn’t like cookies? Who doesn’t like cookies?
(laughs nervously)
ROLLINS
(approaching, sighs)
Okay, that’s enough. Listen, kid. If someone gets gifted the Asset, that means you get a free unalivement.
IAN THE INTERN
(stuttering)
A --- a free unalivement?
ROLLINS
(annoyed)
Yeah. There someone you hate? Someone you want gone?
IAN THE INTERN
(nervously)
Uh --- I mean --- I don’t really like my math teacher?
ROLLINS
Okay. Just tell the Asset where they live and how you want them taken out, and it’ll do the rest.
IAN THE INTERN
(to the Asset)
Uh --- he lives on [censored] and I’d --- uh --- can you like --- Yeah, cut off his head and bring it to me as proof.
(By the end he sounds confident, now convinced that all of this is an elaborate joke and he’s getting better at playing along.)
TITLE CARD:
ABOUT 30 MINUTES LATER
The Asset has returned, covered in blood, and holds up the severed head of the MATH TEACHER. Ian the Intern, upon realizing his mistake of ever entering the S.H.I.E.L.D. compound, turns around and runs away screaming, never to be seen again.
INT. – BRIEFING ROOM – NIGHT
All STRIKE agents and their guests have gathered around the table. At the front side, Brock Rumlow taps a spoon against a champagne glass to attract everyone’s attention.
RUMLOW
Attention, everyone!
The noise in the room dies down.
RUMLOW
Thank you. We’ve gathered here tonight, holiday celebration and all that. You know the drill. Another year has passed and we look back at what we’ve achieved. Some of us didn’t make it, may they rest in peace. But we still have to remind ourselves why we keep doing this, why we keep fighting. It’s our job to protect the people of this country, the people of this world. It’s a fragile one, we had to learn this the hard way. And our heroes won’t always be there when we need them. The world can’t always rely on them, but we want to make sure that they can rely on us. That being said, we all deserve some rest, so I hope the aliens won’t attack us until next year.
He raises his glass.
RUMLOW
Happy Holidays!
Everyone cheers.
INT. – CUTTING ROOM – NIGHT
A lonely EDITOR sitting in a dark room, staring at the freeze frame of Rumlow raising his glass, visibly satisfied with their work. They do not notice the shadow moving behind them; they do not hear the non-existent noise of heavy combat boots behind their back. When they notice the metal arm wrapping around their neck, it’s already too late. They are unalived to a silent, lonely unalivement. After their body has gone limp, the Asset drops them onto the keyboard and starts pouring gasoline on the floor. It lights up a match, throws it over its shoulder and walks away while the studio burns down in the distance.
THE ASSET
(half-singing, half-talking, muffled from the mask)
You better watch out,
you better not cry,
you better not mess with us,
I’m telling you why,
the Winter Soldier’s coming to town.
The Asset walks straight ahead, approaching the camera. Then it stops, tilts its head and smashes the lens with its metal fist.
TITLE CARD:
WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE STAND BY.