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Nursey doesn’t know why he does this to himself. No, wait, that’s a lie; he knows exactly why he does this to himself. Because he is a hopeful idiot who can’t convince his heart to just stop caring. He’s been this way since he was a kid. His parents would break promises time and time again, spend his birthdays in foreign countries, have Christmases in boardrooms, host incredibly catered Thanksgivings where Nursey was shoved to the kids table with the rest of the children who were born to be accessories to their parents’ lives. And still, every Next Time he’d hope, hope that maybe they’d show up. Maybe they’d notice him.
Try as he might, Nursey could never convince his heart that his parents were never going to follow through with their promises. In his head he understood that his birthday wishes were going to be ten minute phone calls between meetings, but every year his heart would swell with hope, thinking that maybe, just maybe, this year they’d surprise him. That they would show up at his dorm, telling him they’d take him out for dinner and then do whatever he wanted because they loved him and they wanted him to know that. And then, when his parents called him, angry business people yelling in the background, distracted by assistants and more important people on the other line, Nursey was left devastated when he should have known better.
It’s the same thing with Dex, though it isn’t Dex’s fault, really. Somehow this aggravating asshole carved himself into Nursey’s life and heart against Nursey’s will. It happened without his knowledge, really; slow and unnoticed, the feelings of anger turned to acceptance turned to friendship turned to affection turned to love. And now Nursey was left in unrequited love with his best friend and defensive partner. Sometimes he thinks that maybe Dex feels the same; they’ll share a look or a moment and Nursey hopes. But then Dex will flirt with a pretty girl or go home with someone from a kegster and Nursey knows that it’s just his stupid hopeful self projecting.
Back to the situation at hand, though. About a week ago Nursey was bored so he went driving and he happened upon a really forest-y area about half an hour outside Samwell. There was a small dirt road leading off the actual road and Nursey took it until he came to a clearing. After parking the car, he walked around for a bit and he found this beautiful little stream. It was breathtaking, this perfect natural scene, undisturbed by anything else. Nursey just sat down on the ground and stared at the water as it moved through the stream, feeling completely at ease and strangely reverent. After writing a few poems down in the notebook he takes with him everywhere, he got up and left because it was getting dark, but the image of that stream stuck with him.
After lunch today, Nursey went over to Dex’s dorm to find Dex stressing out over his upcoming test. It was an English course Dex was taking for the credits and he was not very into it. After attempting to cajole Dex into putting down the books and failing, Nursey decided that Dex needed to chill out. Using the word “chill” actually compelled Dex into doing the opposite, but he still went along when Nursey told him to grab a jacket and follow him.
Nursey led Dex down to his car, the one his parents bought him to make up for not being able to see him off when he left for his sophomore year of college. He got in the driver’s seat after a small argument over who should drive, because even though Dex is definitely the better driver (it’s not Nursey’s fault, he grew up in NYC) Nursey knew where they were going and Dex didn’t. Nursey started driving in the direction he went the week before.
That was about an hour ago. Now, Nursey is driving around the forest area like an idiot looking for the path that enticed him out of his car last week. Dex has been getting progressively more annoyed as time goes on and now he’s sitting in the passenger’s seat, quietly fuming, his face turning redder by the second and his fingers passive-aggressively tapping on the passenger side door. Nursey takes a turn that he’s made three times now and Dex kind of just loses it.
“You have no idea where you’re going, do you?” he asks, just a little quieter than a yell. It’s like the personification of water that’s simmering but not boiling just yet.
“I do,” Nursey replies, trying to keep his tone casual. “I just… I’m not exactly sure where the path is.”
“Nurse!”
“Chill! I was here last week and it was like the sw’awesomest little stream ever. I thought it would calm you down.” Nursey takes another turn that leads further into the forest.
“It’s not working very well, is it?” Dex huffs, crossing his arms over his chest like a petulant child. Now Nursey’s getting annoyed.
“I was just trying to do something nice,” he says. “You don’t have to be an ass about it.”
“We’re lost in a forest!” Dex yells, anger bursting out quick and bright. “I could be studying right now but no, I’m going to fail this exam, because you wanted to take a walk in the woods.”
Nursey knows he shouldn’t let this get to him; he’s perfected his chill over years of disappointment because of this exact reason. Feeling hurts and if he could just control it, he wouldn’t hurt anymore. But with things like his parents and hockey and Dex, they just get to him. His parents ignore his phone call, he loses an important game, Dex gets mad at him and they start fighting. It turns his shield of chill into a flimsy blanket falling into threads in his hands.
He doesn’t know why this fight is hitting him so hard. Maybe it’s because Nursey’s parents cancelled their Spring Break plans with him over the phone two days ago. Maybe it’s because yesterday Dex and Chowder were talking about their own Spring Break plans and Dex went on and on about how his little siblings were fighting over the phone to ask him to hang out with them. Maybe Nursey has somehow gotten his wires crossed and now he associates home and comfort and happiness with Dex’s stupid face and the idea that he won’t see Dex for a while physically pains him and he just wanted to spend some extra time with Dex before they would be apart.
And suddenly it hurts too much and Nursey can’t be in this car a minute longer, so close to Dex and unable to touch or comfort or do anything. He pulls over onto the side of the dirt road and turns off the car, opening the door and getting out. He slams the door behind him because he’s angry and he wants Dex to know that. The sound of the passenger door opening and closing follows Nursey as he stalks forward, trying to put some distance between himself and Dex’s angry, enticing everything.
“Nurse, what the fuck.” Dex comes up behind him but Nursey doesn’t turn around. If he turns around and sees Dex’s face, flushed with anger, he’s going to do something stupid, like punch him or kiss him. These feelings are really fucking screwy. Then a warm weight settles on Nursey’s shoulder and it takes him a second to realize that it’s Dex’s hand. Dex put his hand on Nursey’s shoulder to offer some comfort. Dex is his friend and he cares about Nursey even if they do fight, even if he doesn’t love Nursey back. Nursey has to respond like a normal friend would and he also has to chill the fuck out. Nursey takes a deep breath to calm himself down and turns around.
“I’m sorry,” he says, trying to sound earnest. Dex doesn’t seem as mad anymore, just concerned and maybe a little irked, but not mad. “I saw it the other day and, I don’t know, it made me calm? It made me feel better for some reason and I thought you’d like it after you were so stressed today.”
Dex sighs and rolls his eyes, but he’s got a fond little smile on while he does it. “Come on then,” he says, kind of softly like he wants to make up for being loud earlier. “Let’s go find your stream.”
Nursey smiles back, feeling his heart swell even as his head yells at him. He doesn’t see you that way, his head screams, he will never feel the same! Stop lying to yourself! But then his heart sighs and whispers, Look at that smile. He could, he could, if he just knew how much you loved him, he might. Nursey hates this war inside him but sometimes he looks at Dex and he’ll be smiling that little one he’s wearing right now or laughing at something someone says and Nursey thinks that he’d let his head and heart turn his body into a battlefield for a lifetime of watching Dex be happy.
They start back to the car, as they moved a decent distance away when Nursey marched off, and each of them goes to their respective side. Nursey pulls on his door and it doesn’t give. He frowns at it and pulls again, harder. Still nothing.
“What-” He cuts off his question when he sees the keys sitting calmly in the ignition, unaware of the conflict they cause. The doors are locked. The keys are in the car. They are screwed. Nursey looks up to see that Dex has realized the same thing and, if the glare he’s sending Nursey’s way is anything to go by, he completely blames Nursey.
“Nursey. Tell me you didn’t lock us out of the car in the middle of nowhere.”
“Alright. I won’t tell you.”
“Nursey!”
“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to.”
Dex is angry again on the other side of the car, his face heating up and his mouth set in a firm line, the small curve from earlier gone for good. Nursey is annoyed too, but at himself, and it’s a lot easier for Dex to be angry at Nursey than it is for Nursey to be angry at Nursey. Dex almost has smoke coming out of his ears and his face is flushed and there’s a little wrinkle in between his eyebrows and his nose is a little scrunched up and-and. And Nursey decides it’s kind of weird how much he likes Dex when he’s angry.
“You drag me out here to see a stream and then you get us stranded with no car. How do you even do shit like this? Did you plan this just to piss me off?” Dex pulls once more, harshly, on the car door and then groans when it doesn’t budge, giving up and throwing his hands in the air.
“Oh, yeah, I planned this,” Nursey drawls sarcastically, getting angry now too. How in the world does Dex think Nursey decided to do this? “I planned to lock myself out of my own car. I planned to get myself stranded in the woods with just an angry ginger to keep me company. Totally.”
“I don’t need your sarcasm, Nurse, you’re the reason we’re in this situation in the first place!” He glares at Nursey, then the car, and then Nursey again before marching away from the both of them like being so close to them is offending him. Nursey follows him because he isn’t just going to lose this fight.
“Oh, excuse me for trying to do something nice for you! I was just trying to get the stick out of your ass for one hour!” he yells after Dex. Dex spins around, mouth open around a retort, but then he cuts himself off and looks up at the sky.
Something wet hits Nursey on the cheek and he frowns, looking up as well. The sky is overcast, all grey, dark, and looming. A second too late, Nursey realizes what’s happening and during that second it starts pouring. No drizzle, no light rain; pouring. It comes down in literal buckets, heavy splash of water that smack against the ground in a loud chorus, drowning everything else out. On instinct, Nursey turns to the car to get out of the rain and then he realizes.
He makes eye contact with Dex and Dex is no longer angry, no longer fuming; he’s furious. “I hate you,” Dex says, his golden eyes shining with fury. Nursey can’t even hear his voice; all he can do is read the words from Dex’s lips. “I can’t believe I let you drag me out here!” Dex has to yell over the sound of the rain.
“I was trying to do something nice for you!” Nursey yells back.
“Next time don’t!” Dex screams. “I don’t need you doing things for me! We hardly even tolerate each other! Why are you even trying to be nice to me anyway?!”
Nursey feels hot with anger despite the freezing cold of the downpour. It’s so heavy that he’s already soaked down to the bone, his hair falling in his eyes, and Dex is in the same state. Their clothes are plastered against their bodies and if he wasn’t shaking with anger, Nursey would be distracted by Dex’s see-through white t-shirt underneath his flannel. He wants to punch Dex again, but he also wants to kiss him, wants to fist his hands in that stupid shirt and pull Dex against him from head to toe and attack Dex’s mouth with his own.
How could Dex say that they “hardly even tolerate” each other? Sure, they’re not Best Bros 5Ever like Ransom and Holster, but they’re close. They stay up late in Dex’s dorm watching the crappiest movies they can find on Netfix, a popcorn bowl between them as they laugh at the idiocy in front of them. On the ice it’s like they’re connected, knowing when and where the other is going to be even before they’re there. They tell each other about their days and have heated debates over articles they read online and they have inside jokes and set matching spots on the Roadie Bus and most of the time Nursey sleeps over at Dex’s dorm because his roommate is a dick. Dex is Nursey’s best friend. That Dex could belittle that, could use their friendship as fodder for one of their fights, it’s the one little thing that causes Nursey’s chill to snap, his shield breaking clean in two, letting all of the crap he’s been ignoring since he was a child collapse onto Nursey’s back. Like his chill, Nursey breaks too.
Why is he trying to be nice to Dex?
“Because I love you!” Nursey finds himself screaming, delirious with anger. “Because I love you and it fucking sucks! You are stubborn and an asshole and I wish I could hate you but I don’t! I fucking love you!” He’s breathing hard and the second he closes his mouth his rage dissipates. He’s left feeling defeated, beat down and tired, bleary from the heaviness of it all, and he sighs, dropping his head down, his hair covering his eyes completely. “I love you,” he whispers helplessly. “I love you.”
The rain is so loud now that Nursey can’t hear anything except his own heartbeat. It’s frantic, a quick staccato in his fingertips. What did he just do? He just told Dex that he loved him. He just ruined everything. Dex won’t want to hang around him anymore, it will be so awkward, and what if Dex doesn’t ever want to speak to him again because who goes and falls in love with their aggravating, intoxicating defensive partner, anyway? And God the idea that Dex won’t speak to him ever again hits him like a punch to the chest. He wants to take it back, please, let him take it back, he needs Dex in his life, please, ple-
There’s a hand on his jaw, cold like the rain and startling against his hot skin. It’s lifting his face up, towards the sky, towards the downpour, and then there’s lips, wet with rain and hot and soft and and and. There are lips on Nursey’s lips, kissing him, drawing him in. Nursey finds himself kissing back, a little delirious, a lot confused, and he reaches up and grips Dex by the hips, pulling him into Nursey. Dex’s hand moves up into Nursey’s hair, tugging on the wet strands, and the other one wraps around the side of Nursey’s neck. The pulse in Dex’s hand is a perfect match to the pulse in Nursey’s neck.
The idea that their hearts are beating in time makes Nursey sigh, his mouth opening, and then there’s a tongue, hot and prodding into Nursey’s mouth. The rain is making their lips slide together like butter melting off pancakes and Dex tastes sweet and, stupidly, Nursey thinks that the sweetness is from the secret stash of Reese’s that Dex keeps in his desk for studying. It makes him happy, that he knows Dex well enough to know why he tastes the way he does, and it makes him ecstatic that he now knows what Dex tastes like.
They’re kissing in the rain like a couple from the novels Nursey reads as a guilty pleasure and he always thought it was unrealistic when he read the sappy words, that it would be awful and cold, but it’s not, not really. Everything around them is cold, but they are so hot that Nursey wonders if the rain is coming off of them in steam. It’s like he is the only thing keeping Dex warm and vice versa, like they’re the only two people alive and they’re living for each other. Nursey can feel every point of contact between them like Dex is the match and Nursey is the emery paper and they’re creating a spark just by touching.
The inside of Nursey’s knee is pressed against the outside of Dex’s; their hips are pressed close, with Nursey’s shirt rucked up somehow, and there’s so little fabric between them that Nursey swears he can feel Dex’s skin; Dex’s chest is pressed against Nursey’s and his heartbeat is palpable and Nursey thinks it’s the best thing he’s ever felt in his entire life.
Suddenly he’s out of air and he realizes that they have been kissing for a very long time. He pulls back and gasps, trying to pull fresh air into his lungs. Dex does the same, his chest heaving, and when their eyes meet, they just kind of stare at each other, eyes wide with shock and minds swirling with confusion. Nursey said he loved Dex and Dex responded by kissing Nursey. What the fuck does this mean?
“We,” Dex pants, “we should call someone.”
Nursey nods dumbly.
Dex keeps his eyes on Nursey for a minute longer before he looks away to pull out his phone. He sends a text to someone and waits for a response. He gets one promptly, sends something back, and then turns the screen off, slipping the phone back into his pocket. He meets Nursey’s eyes again and Nursey feels like a physical shock runs through his body when their eyes meet. What is he supposed to say? Do you love me? Can I kiss you again? What does he say?
“Bitty’s borrowing Ransom’s minivan. He’ll be here in about half an hour.” Dex seems to know what to say. How is he talking right now? Nursey’s mouth still feels numb. He nods back at Dex because of the mouth thing and then it’s just silence again. After a minute, Dex turns and starts for the trees so they don’t get completely drenched and Nursey follows. Together they sit under a tree, silent as can be, and wait for Bitty.
Bitty shows up half an hour later with the minivan and a wire hanger to jimmy open Nursey’s door. Dex gets it open using a skill that really shouldn’t be as hot as it is. He pops the door open and Nursey stares at it, wondering if it had opened earlier would he have still gotten to chance to taste the sweetness of Dex’s lips. Nursey looks away from the car, the whole kiss situation so confusing it hurts to think about it, and instead turns to the sky. The rain has died down by this point, a soft trickle, and again Nursey wonders, what if. When he pulls himself out of his thoughts, he realizes that Dex and Bitty were talking about something but they’ve finished by the time Nursey’s aware enough to listen. The three of them stand around the car for a second.
“So, uh, thanks, Bits,” Nursey says, trying not to look at Dex too much. Every time he looks at Dex, he remembers what it felt like to have Dex’s mouth on his, remembers what Dex’s mouth tastes like, and it’s incredibly distracting. Nursey turns to get in his car, feeling like if he stays in this spot, a spot only a few feet away from where it happened, for a minute longer he’s going to explode. He assumes Dex is going to join him, but then
“I’m, uh, I’m gonna ride back with Bitty,” Dex says. When Nursey looks over at him, he’s resolutely not looking in Nursey’s direction. He probably wants to avoid talking about the kiss. Wants to avoid Nursey. Nursey tries not to let it hurt him. He fails.
“It’s chill,” Nursey says half because it’s his coping mechanism and half to see if it gets a reaction out of Dex. It doesn’t.
They get into their respective cars and start back for Samwell. Nursey chants his inner mantra of chill chill chill all the way there. He used to do it when he was a kid, but in his bed with a blanket over his head. He’d hold a pillow to his chest and shut his eyes so tight that the tears couldn’t escape even if he wanted them to and he’d tell himself be chill. Nursey finds himself longing for his childhood bed, for a pillow to hold, but that morphs too quickly into a longing for Dex and then it hurts even more.
When they reach Samwell and then the building that Nursey and Dex both live in, they all get out of their cars together. Bitty puts his hands on his hips and, in his best Dad voice, tells them to be more careful next time. Then he drives off, leaving Dex and Nursey just standing awkwardly in front of their building, determinedly not looking at each other. For a second Nursey thinks that they’re going to talk; why else would they just be standing out here, waiting? But then Dex walks briskly inside, not saying a thing, the door closing behind him before Nursey can even open his mouth.
Nursey makes his way up to his own dorm, just across the hall from Dex’s, and gets into bed after peeling off his wet clothes. He shuts his eyes and buries his face in his pillow and tells himself it isn’t too bad. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be-
Shut up, he tells himself.
*~*
There’s a knock at Nursey’s door.
His head is pounding and his nose is stuffed and he coughs the second he takes a deep breath. What the fuck? He sits up in bed and shakes his head, trying to get rid of the headache, but it just makes it worse. He sneezes suddenly and then it turns into a coughing fit. Shit, he thinks, I’m sick. There’s another knock on the door. How did he get so sick in a day? He was fine yesterday. Another knock.
“Nurse, let me in!” Shit, it’s Dex.
Nursey gathers his blankets around him like a cape and shuffles over to the door. He debates not opening it for a second before saying fuck it and pulls it open. Dex stands there in virtually the same situation; blankets hanging off of his shoulders, still in his pajamas, nose pink from sickness, and a box of tissues clutched in his hand. He looks grumpy and miserable but still, annoyingly, cute. He sneezes and frowns at Nursey.
“We got the flu,” he says.
Nursey frowns back. “How’d we do that?”
Dex’s cheeks were extremely pale, so it’s very noticeable when he flushes. “Kissing in the rain very often leads to the flu.”
“Oh.” Nursey feels his own face heat up as well. Dex coughs, but not sickly, just awkwardly. He shifts his weight from foot to foot, looking extremely uncomfortable.
“Can I, uh, come in?” he asks. Nursey nods and shuffles out of the way. Dex enters Nursey’s dorm and Nursey shuts the door behind him. Dex turns around to face Nursey and then they just stand there in the silence. They’re alone because Nursey’s roommate is at his girlfriend’s for the night. It’s awkward, the two of them just standing there in their blanket capes, staring at each other. Nursey wants to break the silence but he doesn’t really know how. He’s debating on whether or not he should just get out his laptop and let Netflix do the talking for them, when Dex takes a deep breath and says, “You told me you loved me. And then I kissed you. That happened.”
Nursey feels his throat go dry and his heartbeat pick up. “Yeah,” he manages to get out, it sounding scratchy to his own ears.
“So, I’m taking that to mean that you, uh, you like me. Romantically.”
Nursey wishes he could respond to that with something sarcastic, like Yeah, that’s usually what “I love you” means, but he doubts he could even get that many words out, let alone a sufficient tone. So, instead, he says, “Yeah,” again, like an idiot. Dex opens his mouth but a cough comes out that quickly turns into a coughing fit. Nursey moves around him to rub circles into his back, offering some kind of comfort. When the coughing fit is over, Dex looks over at him, and Nursey realizes how close they are and remembers what happened the last time they were this close. He moves back over to his previous spot.
Nursey sneezes and Dex mumbles a bless you, eyes trained on Nursey’s face. He seems to be gearing himself up to say something and Nursey has absolutely no idea what he is going to say. He hopes it isn’t “I hate you”. He hopes it isn’t “goodbye”.
Dex was always one to go against Nursey’s expectations, so when he does open his mouth again, it’s to ask, “So, uh, do you-do you want to go on a date with me?” His cheeks are pinker than Nursey has ever seen them and he looks incredibly awkward, but he holds his ground, eyes not wavering from Nursey’s.
Nursey just kind of gapes for a moment, dumbfounded. “Wait, you like me?” he asks. Dex rolls his eyes like Nursey is being an idiot. Nursey kind of feels like he is, but he’s too shocked to care.
“Of course, you idiot. I got the flu for you.” Nursey blinks at him for a moment, still kind of uncomprehending, when finally it clicks. Dex didn’t kiss him out of some weird obligation; he kissed him because he likes Nursey back.
Nursey’s expression splits into a wide grin. “You like me,” he says, allowing a chirping tone into his voice. Dex flushes and scowls.
“Yeah, well, you love me.”
Nursey just grins wider. “Yeah, I do, like, a crazy stupid amount.”
Dex blinks, surprised at Nursey’s candor, and then smiles tentatively, the perfect little curve that makes Nursey want to write sonnets. “I, uh, I might love you too.”
A warmth swells in Nursey’s chest and he suddenly wants to kiss Dex like his life depends on it because he can do that now, he can kiss Dex! So he leans in, but halfway there he sneezes, ruining the moment, and Dex laughs.
“We’re never kissing in the rain again,” Nursey grumbles. Dex laughs even louder and Nursey decides he could suffer through a thousand flus if only he got to hear Dex’s laugh every single time.