Archive of Our Own

Mr. Claremont-Diaz,

You're late again. Office hour starts at 8, not whenever you feel like it. I am afraid I will have to escalate you to HR once again. Please get to the office immediately and when you do, please ensure you email be tomorrow's article by this afternoon.

Many Regards,

Jeffery Richards
Managing Editor
The Ridge Journal

Dear Alex Claremont-Diaz,

This is an automated message from the Human Resources Division of The Ridge Journal, New York's leading newspaper. Please note that your workday here begins promptly at 8AM, making you over 60 minutes late today. This is your 4th warning. In addition to your tardiness, it has come to our attention that you have acted unprofessional towards a colleague in your department again.

We would like to take this opportunity to remind you that routine tardiness and unprofessional conduct towards your colleagues can be symptoms of serious issues, such as

• Alcoholism
• Drug addiction
• Gambling addiction
• Sleep disorders
• Clinical depression
• Mental fatigue

and any number of other conditions. If you are suffering from any of the above or unlisted conditions, please do not hesitate to contact your Human Resources Representative, Miguel Ramos. Your HR representative will be able to kindly direct you to The Ridge Journal's Staff Assistance Programme, where you will be able to find professional support in order to reach your full potential.

Alex Claremont-Diaz, we here at The Ridge Journal are a team. We always win as a team, and we always lose as one. Alex Claremont-Diaz, don't you want to be part of the winning team? So please ensure you arrive on time and respect your colleagues at all times!

Please note that further tardiness and unprofessional conduct towards your colleagues in the future may result in strict sanctions, such as demotion or suspension.

Do not reply to this email as it will not be checked. If you need assistance then please send a separate email to [email protected] and we will get back to you as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Human Resources Division
The Ridge Journal

Alex

Where are you???

You're not picking my calls up & Richards has stomped over to my desk about 6 times in the last 15 mins demanding to know where you are. If he comes around for the 7th time I might strangle him or something because I CANNOT get anything done with him breathing down my desk! I've told him that you probably had an emergency situation but he looks like he's gonna combust...like seriously he looks so red.

Oh & I spotted Miguel peak his head into the office earlier. Probably wants to talk to you again & convince how your breakup was a bad idea & how it's best that you two get back together (peak loser behaviour honestly).

Also, can we try out that new Syrian place for lunch? Amy from the Food Review dept said their Jaj Berghol & Kabsah Ghanam were really good.

Anyways please call/text me back Alex! We're all starting to get worried....except Richards or Jefferson obviously.

Nora :)

Dude, it's been over an hour....& it's abit shocking to type these words but even Richards is starting to look a little concerned.

I'm hoping you either overslept or are stuck in traffic with bad phone signal. Spencer thinks we need to call the cops asap for a welfare check (we're trying to hold him off from calling them but we might actually do that if you don't respond back). Hunter opened his loud mouth earlier to chip in that maybe you're probably just hungover & being "extremely irresponsible". Nora told him to shut his fucking mouth unless he wanted to spend his day hanging from the window.

Can you just call me back so I know you're alive man?

Liam

If you DO NOT reply to calls, respond to my texts AND emails in the next 30 mins I WILL be coming over to your place! June says she doesn't know where you are either so now I'm extremely worried Alex.

I'll pay for lunch if you just get back to me pls.

Nora :(

TL;DR version is basically Mrs. M fell & broke her hip so I was at the hospital with her. She needs an operation so will be hospitalised for a while. My phone died & didn't have my charger. Her family are in London atm except her grandson. None of them picked up btw. So, now I gotta dog-sit for her until one of them call me back. I didn't have my wallet or any change for a cab so walked back home & passed out.

Alex

P.S. - I'm holding you on the lunch offer btw!

Hi Jeffery,

Well, what can I say about the fact that I seem to have disappointed you once again. I truly appreciate you pointing out in your text and email that you sent exactly at 8:01AM about how the office hour starts at 8:00AM.

But to put your mind at ease, I will recount my entire morning in order to explain why I'm currently not at work:

6:00AM - Alarm rings

6:35AM - Finish shower, dress up and head to the kitchen for breakfast.

6:40AM - Finish breakfast. Hear scratching at door.

6:43AM - Open the door and see my neighbour's dog whining.

6:45AM - Notice that my neighbour's front door is slightly open. Call out for my neighbour in concern. No response.

6:47AM - Enter my neighbour's apartment in concern and find her lying on the floor in extreme pain. Panic.

6:50AM - Realise her leg is broken from the fall and needs immediate medical attention. Call the emergency services.

7:00AM - Ambulance finally arrives and get told to accompany my neighbour to the hospital.

7:16AM - Arrive at the hospital where the medical team rush over and do medical things. Get told to go wait in the waiting area. Keep getting called over for patient details I don't know.

7:55AM - Realise I need to call the office to inform of my current situation.

8:00AM - Notice my phone is dead. Realise I didn't carry my charger either.

8:05AM - Medical team update me about my neighbour's condition.

8:20AM - Once my neighbour has settled a bit, attempt to inform her of what's happened.

8:40AM - Finish explaining. Neighbour is concerned about her dog. Tell her I'm happy to contact her family to update them about her and see if they can look after the dog for the timbering.

8:44AM - Neighbour explains her family split their time between London and New York. And unfortunately everyone is in London, except her youngest grandson. Offer to call grandson.

8:55AM - Realise my phone is still dead, so, ask reception if I can use their phone instead. Despite multiple attempts, grandson doesn't pick up. Leave a voicemail with my contact asking him to contact me immediately. Attempt to call his family in London, but no success there either.

9:00AM - Update neighbour. Reassure neighbour. Neighbour insists I look after her dog until her family get in touch. End up agreeing. She tells me where to find all the relevant things for the dog and all the routine.

9:20AM - Ensure neighbour is safe, comfortable, and in good hands. Tell her that I'm going back to her place to move him to my place. Leave my contact details with the hospital, asking them to contact me in case something changes. Request them to try and reach out to her family as well.

9:30AM - Realise I don't have my car. Realise I don't have my wallet or change to grab a cab back home.

9:35AM - Realise I'll have to walk home.

10:30AM - Arrive home. Head straight over to get my neighbour's dog and head back to my place. Feed the dog.

10:45AM - Realise I need another shower.

11:15AM - Finish shower. Realise in the whole chaos that I never called the office to inform what had happened. Realise my phone is still dead. Plug my phone into the charge.

11:26AM - Realise I'm actually very exhausted from the whole event and decide to close my eyes for just 10 minutes.

12:00PM - Wake up to my neighbour's dog licking my face.

12:15PM - Realise I overslept. Check phone and emails.

So, there you have it, Jeffery. A full recount of why I am unable to make it to work today. I was busy being a good samaritan so I hope you can forgive my tardiness today.

Also, if you check your email from yesterday, you will find tomorrow's article.

Thanks.

Regards,

Alex Claremont-Diaz
Senior Political Correspondent
The Ridge Journal

Dear HR,

Thank you for letting me know about all the possible conditions I might currently be experiencing. I wasn't aware of the fact that the HR department had doctors floating about who are able to say what an individual might be suffering from. To help you guys, I am pleased to announce that I am currently going through the following issues:

colleagues can be symptoms of serious issues, such as

• Alcoholism
• Drug addiction
• Gambling addiction
• Sleep disorders
• Clinical depression
• Mental fatigue

So, please go ahead and feel free to enrol me in your Staff Assistance Programme so I can reach my full potential. May I request that my dear colleague, Hunter Jefferson, also be enrolled in the programme? I have strong reasons to believe that he would benefit the most from this wonderful programme.

Should you require further information about my unfortunate absence today, then please kindly contact my supervisor, Jeffery Richards, for the details.

Thanks.

Regards,

Alex Claremont-Diaz
Senior Political Correspondent
The Ridge Journal