Work Text:
Neil ignores the grumbling of his stomach. He’s got to study for this test–he can’t afford to get anything other than As, or he’ll never be able to get away with being in the play. He ate at lunch, anyway.
He’ll eat when he earns it.
“Are you coming to dinner?” Todd asks, suddenly right behind him.
“I’m good.”
“Nolan’s not gonna like that.”
“I can’t bring my books with me, can I? Besides, it’s the weekend, I’m not required to be there.”
“Want me to bring something back for you?”
“Something light, I don’t want to take too much time away from this. Trig is my worst class.”
“Neil, I know that you have As in every class.” Todd says. “You can ask Cameron or Meeks for help if you come down to dinner.”
“I said I’m good, Todd.”
Todd doesn’t say anything else, but Neil hears the door shut behind him. He’ll fix that later.
These are the only problems he’s not understanding–he needs to figure them out.
“Neil didn’t come down with you?” Charlie asks, as soon as Todd sits down next to Knox–it’s just the three of them for now. He shakes his head.
“He’s working on trig.”
“He’s got an A on trig, I think he even beat Meeks on the last test.”
“He’s got all As.” Todd says. Knox and Charlie glance at each other.
“Sometimes Neil stops eating when he’s stressed. We’ve never managed to break him of it.” Knox says, low enough that the other tables won’t hear.
“Sometimes he doesn’t eat even when he’s not stressed.” Charlie adds. “It’s later in the year than it usually starts.”
“His father hasn’t come around yet.” Knox stabs at his noodles.
“Do you think it’s the play?” Todd asks.
“No, it probably is grades. Neil has to keep them pretty high for his scholarship.”
“Oh, I didn’t know.”
“He doesn’t advertise it, but Welton only has two scholarship spots per year, and they’re not easy to keep.” Charlie says. “He set the record on the entrance exams for our grade, and I don’t think anyone’s beat it yet. Not even Meeks.”
Meeks and Pitts come in together–Todd can count the number of times he’s seen them apart this year on one hand.
“Todd, you’ve lost Neil.” Meeks jokes, but there’s something in his eyes that’s a little off.
“He’s studying trig.”
“I told him to come and ask you or Cameron for help, but he didn’t want to.”
“Of course he didn’t.” Charlie rolls his eyes. “He’s stubborn about it, but he’ll come around if the rest of us say we’re doing a study group. We all have the same test this week.”
“Trig?” Cameron asks, taking the seat next to Todd.
“Yeah.” Knox answers. Todd won’t be able to bring a plate up to Neil, but he pockets a couple of rolls and an apple.
Hopefully Charlie’s right, and the study group idea will work.
By the time Neil gets the last of the problems worked out, dinner is almost done–there’s no point in going down now.
“Neil!” Charlie doesn’t bother knocking on the door. Neil should have known he would come round. There’s no way he wasn’t missed at dinner, even if Todd hadn’t said anything. “We’re gonna study for that test, you’re coming.”
“I just finished the homework problems.”
“Then you can teach the rest of us!” Charlie grabs him by the shoulders and pulls him up. He lets Neil grab his books before he steers him out the door.
“I know what you’re doing.”
“And I know what you’re doing. Even if Todd hadn’t said anything, you’re not subtle, Neil.”
“I’m fine.”
Their study group goes well, Neil eating the rolls Todd saved for him, putting the apple aside for later. He’ll never tell Charlie, but walking them through some of the problems helped him understand it better, too.
Neil is hardly left alone over the next few days. Todd is always watching him, and even Charlie and Knox are keeping a close eye. Pitts and Meeks tend to hang back a little more–he doesn’t do well being crowded, either, which they know–and Cameron does a good job of pretending he hasn’t noticed anything is off.
The only place they can’t watch him is rehearsal. He comes back early one night, and Todd’s not in their dorm, studying with the others somewhere else, or maybe in Keating’s office.
Neil removes the false bottom of his desk drawer and pulls out a kit he hasn’t used in a long time. He fumbled lines tonight; they’re too close to the play for him to be doing that.
He ignores his stomach growling at the sight of the fruit Todd has taken to leaving on his desk. He does eat it, most days, but he’d puke it back up if he ate it now.
He’s had less time, and less desire, to pull out his razor blades this year. The edges are sharper than they normally are, and so they pull through his skin more easily.
It hurts, it always hurts, but he makes one cut for every line he messed up, and then one more for every question he missed on the last trig test.
Neil doesn’t let himself get carried away. He can’t get caught, because Todd might not tell anyone other than their friends about the food thing, but he won’t hide this for him. That Neil’s sure of.
He never makes more of a mess than he has to, and he’s well-practiced in bandaging himself up. His mom taught him that. He’s not sure if she remembers, anymore, or if she really believed that he’d been trying to shave and his hand had slipped.
By the time Todd comes in, he’s settled onto his bed, writing an essay for English.
The apple Todd left for him is still on his desk, but he can say someone brought snacks to rehearsal if Todd asks.
“How was rehearsal?”
“We’re getting there. I messed up a few lines, but it’ll work itself out.” He says. “What did you work on tonight?”
“A little of everything, it was exhausting.” Todd kicks his shoes off after he’s already fallen into bed. “How are final exams here, normally?”
“They can be pretty intense.” Neil says. “But you’ll do fine. Honestly, there’s usually a curve anyway.”
In their grade, it’s usually Meeks, Cameron, or himself who sets the curve. Pitts has set the trig curve a few times. Knox has set a couple, too, though Neil can’t remember what classes just now. Charlie could, if he wanted to. He just doesn’t care enough, usually.
Todd will likely take the English curve this year, if he turns in any of the poems he pretends he’s not writing all the time. Neil doesn’t tell him that–it will just make him more anxious about it.
They’re not supposed to know who sets the curve, anyway. They end up comparing answers and grades and figuring it out, eventually.
By the time he’s done with his essay, Todd’s asleep. Neil watches him for a few minutes before he gets up to turn his lamp off.
Neil coasts by the next few days. His kit stays in its false bottom drawer, and the fruit Todd leaves for him begins to pile up on his desk. He doses off in English a couple of times, but Keating never calls him out on it.
At least, not during class.
“Mr. Perry, a word, please.” Neil stays in his seat. “I’ve noticed you’ve been sleeping a lot in here lately.”
“I’m sorry, Captain.”
“If there’s something troubling you, keeping you up at night, my door is always open.”
“I know. It’s just, exams are coming up, and opening night of the play.”
“You’ve got a lot to think about.” Mr. Keating agrees. “Too much stress can make one ill, as you may know. My first few years here, I’d get sick after exams.”
“I’ve never had that.” Neil says.
“You may, this year. You’ve got more on your plate.”
“I hope not, sir, that doesn’t sound very nice.”
“I hope not, either. I also made the mistake, in those years, of trying to pass up on meals to study more.”
Well, shit. Either Todd has said something, or Keating has noticed how many times he hasn’t been at dinner.
Keating must see something in his face, because he looks a little sad. “I was the same way, Neil. I know that eating may feel like an insurmountable challenge at times of high stress, but even an apple can help settle the nerves.”
“Todd’s been bringing me fruit for weeks.” Neil says. “I usually eat it, and sometimes we eat at rehearsal, too.”
Neil’s used to the hunger, now. He’s almost always hungry during exam time, and it’s not a problem like Keating seems to think it is.
“I keep some snacks in my office, the second drawer down on the lefthand side. They’re easy to keep down; you’re welcome to them if you need them.” Keating says. “Your friends are waiting for you, best not keep them any longer.”
“Thank you, Captain.” Neil says, and means it. He won’t be eating those snacks, but it is nice to have the option.
“What was that about?” Charlie’s got an arm around his shoulders before he even fully steps out of the classroom, Todd close enough to bump into him on his other side.
“I keep falling asleep in class. It’s just stress, I’m fine.”
“You haven’t been awake in the middle of the night lately.” Todd says, quietly.
“I try not to wake you, Todd. And it doesn’t happen that often.”
It comes to a head when he passes out during rehearsal.
It’s only for a minute, really–they even time it–but he has to convince them not to call his father.
Says he just forgot to eat today (and the day before, but they don’t need to know that), and that he’s okay, really.
He’s not allowed to walk back to Welton. When the director asks who she should ask to come pick him up, it’s an easy decision.
Keating doesn’t say anything when he gets into the car. Or for the first few minutes of the drive.
“Your director didn’t give me many details. Just said you passed out.”
“I forgot to eat enough today, is all.” Keating’s going to see right through it, is what Neil thinks–but maybe he needs to be looking at him to do that. “It won’t happen again.”
He’ll have to remember to show up to dinner this weekend. He’s been better about it, knowing that Keating is watching.
“I’d like to believe you, Neil, but I’ve seen enough of you missing meals and sleeping in my class to think that it’s a larger issue.”
“It’s not, really. And I know my friends might have said something, but it’s not like they’re making it out to be.”
“None of your friends have mentioned anything to me, Neil.”
Shit.
He should have kept his mouth shut.
“I forget to eat when I’m stressed”--I don’t eat when I haven’t worked for it–“and my friends know that, because they’ve seen it over the years.”
“If you run yourself into the ground, you won’t be able to perform, or do as well in any of your classes as you’d like.” Keating says. It’s like he knows exactly where to hit Neil.
“I’ll eat, I promise.” He’s pleading, a little, for a lot of things. Keating doesn’t unlock the car for a minute after they’ve pulled into Welton.
“I’ll be keeping an eye on you, myself. Nothing obvious, but I will hand you a snack now and then if I don’t see you eating properly at meals. Against my better judgement, I won’t take this to Mr. Nolan or the school nurse.”
“Thank you, Mr. Keating.”
“Don’t thank me. Start treating yourself better.” It’s probably the closest to anger Neil has ever seen him, aside from Charlie’s stunt with the phone call from god.
Todd is waiting in their dorm when he gets up there. “Keating said he had to go get you, what happened?”
Before Todd finishes asking, Charlie has already slipped across the hall, Cameron behind him. Knox, Pitts, and Meeks are crowding in the doorway too, and Neil can even see Hopkins and Stick lingering outside their doors to listen in.
“Why don’t you just come in and shut the door, then?” He sighs, sitting on his bed. Todd sits next to him, bumping their shoulders together, though he waits until the door is closed to take his hand.
That takes Neil by surprise. They don’t–they don’t do that. For all that they’ve been leaning toward something, something that’s not like the friendship he has with Knox, Pitts, Meeks, Cameron, or even Charlie, who’s known him for years, Neil hadn’t thought Todd would be so forward about it. Especially not with everyone else here.
Todd’s hands are nice. Warm–his are always cold.
“I passed out during rehearsal, because I forgot to eat today. I’m fine, it was a one time thing. Keating keeps snacks in his office and if he thinks I’m not eating enough, he’ll slip me some.”
“You know we can’t leave it at that, Neil.” Charlie’s voice is impossibly soft, the kind of soft one uses to deliver terrible news. “This is the worst it’s been.”
“Ever.” Knox adds. “And we’ve seen you fall asleep into your oatmeal before.”
“It’s not insomnia, it’s just the stress.” Neil says.
“If it’s classes, we can help with those.” Meeks tells him, eyes a little wet. He’s never been good at this conversation, though this is the first time Neil’s actually passed out. It’s lucky none of them saw it.
“I know. I can’t let my grades drop, and I can’t leave the play.” Cameron opens his mouth, but Pitts elbows him before he can say anything. Neil pretends not to have seen it, but he’s glad. He can’t handle defusing Charlie and Cameron today. “It really was just today. I slept late, ate a little at lunch, and we haven’t had dinner yet.”
“If you don’t want us making your plate for you, you better eat.” Charlie threatens. “And you’re coming to dinner tonight.”
“I was planning on it.” He hasn’t eaten in long enough that he’s cycled back around to not being hungry, but he’s not getting away with skipping meals until next year at this point. Between his friends and Keating, and whatever the director and his castmates come up with, he’s going to have food coming at him from all angles.
“Good.”
He and Todd stay behind for a minute when the others leave, technically so Neil can change.
“Neil, I thought you were sick when Keating said he had to go get you.”
“I’m not.”
“Aren’t you? Just not with a cold.”
“Todd–” Neil doesn’t like to think about it that way. It’s not being sick, it’s being stressed–and if sometimes he just blames the not-eating on stress, then no one else has to know. “--I’m sorry I’m worrying you. Everyone, really, but I don’t know how to stop it.”
“Why didn’t you let anyone help you earlier?”
“I didn’t think it was this bad.”
Todd hasn’t let go of his hand once. “Can we squeeze into one bed tonight? You really scared me.”
“Yeah, we can.” Neil’s a little surprised that Todd wants to be this close to him, after finding this all out, but it’s comforting all the same.
“And you’ll eat as much as Charlie puts on your plate tonight.”
“Not what you put on my plate?”
“Charlie’s faster than me, and he’s done it before.” Todd explains, a little pink. It’s cute.
“Maybe, when exams and the play are over, we can celebrate. Just the two of us, at one of the places in town.” Neil suggests. “You could order my meal, then. If you wanted.”
“No, I don’t like ordering.”
“Then I’ll do it.”
“... Neil, do you mean as a…” Todd glances at their hands, but he doesn’t pull away. “As a date? Like Knox and Chris?”
“Well, not like Knox and Chris–neither of us is stalking the other. And we’ll actually be dating. I hope.” It’s the sort of thing that can’t get around to anyone else, ever–their friends are safe, probably, and as a group they’re touchy enough that they can get away with a little more in the halls.
“Yeah. Okay. But only if you eat in the meantime.” Todd makes him pinky promise, and it’s the most endearing thing he’s ever done.
Neil eats that night at dinner, and the night after. There are days where it’s worse, where all he thinks he needs is to feel the hunger until he can get his lines right, until he can finish his homework, until he earns it, but his friends never let him skip a meal–they’ll have Pitts carry him if they have to. Keating slips him snacks, on the worst days, and it’s better.
It’s better, but it’s not gone, and Neil doesn’t know if it will ever be. If the little voice telling him he has to earn his food will ever really go away. He can make it quieter, or try to ignore it.
After his father finds out–that’s the worst day he’s had in a few weeks. Dinner’s the only meal left, but he goes to Keating anyway. He doesn’t tell him everything, but something tells him Keating understands without the words.
Neil doesn’t want to pass out during the play, so he would have eaten regardless of anyone watching him, but he’s more aware of how everyone is watching him than before.
After the play, after he tries to shoot himself, after they find out about the cuts and the knobs of his spine, he can’t hide any of it.
He’s barely allowed to continue at Welton. He thinks that Charlie or his mom or maybe even Nolan–who wouldn’t want to lose a top student–convinced his father to let him stay. Now, it feels like the whole school is watching him. One slip-up will send someone running to his father.
The constant check-ins make it harder to eat, but he manages. He has to, unless he wants to go to military school.
He and Todd don’t go on their date until after spring term ends.
By then, they’ve kissed on Neil’s bed, on Todd’s bed, even on Charlie’s, once. Todd is still quiet, and Neil is still wary around food, but they both manage to order their own meals and clear their plates.
It’s not gone, but it’s better. Neil doesn’t know how to make it go away, but he might be able to live with it, with his friends and Todd around him.