Chapter Text
On a windy morning, Dess came up to me and Kris, while we played with toys. I remember her face. It usually looked sweet, and it was still sweet, but I felt more enchanted, like she'd changed this morning. Kris didn't look at her. She gave me a tight hug. I hugged my sister back. "Thanks. Are you going to go?"
"Aw, Noelle, it's... I just felt like it... but yeah, I'm going for a short walk. Stay safe and have fun while I'm gone, and... oh, and in case Carol comes back, say that I left, without saying much else, okay? Oh, and you're getting pretty strong. I'm proud of you." I hugged her harder. I thought I wasn't strong, compared to my sister, who hugged even harder.
Kris nodded before I did. As she walked out the door, I didn't see her face. I was a little scared, but I trusted her. Dess wasn't always stable, but she'd always return. In so many great moments, she'd been by my side, but in her happiest times, I wasn't often there. I pushed the thought away, because if I mentioned it, I'd probably get told off.
In uncertain times, if Dess wasn't there, Kris got playful, but I didn't feel so scared. Before I realized it, a new feeling came upon me. I became determined, because this time, if they tried something, I would stand my ground. If they pulled some kind of joke, I would tell them to stop. I thought that was what Dess meant, when she said I was strong.
Kris might have sensed it too, through my demeanor. When I sat down, they looked like they feared me. I had my fists clenched. I realized Kris noticed, so I unclenched them, and went to my toys. It felt weird to play with these, since Dess played in a rock band, but I played anyway, to appease Kris, and because it was fun.
With the toys in our hands, we were gods and kings and queens, but we ruled our own minds, not the world around us. I remember their eyes, because they looked curious, and I knew that probably, in the next few minutes, they'd try some sort of joke. When they tried to scare me, I stayed expressionless. Kris banged the piano.
"Kris, stop." "What?" "I said stop, because you're scaring me." I delighted in their face, though I tried not to show it. "Wha-Noelle, what? You don't look so scared." I held back my laughter. "Huh. Well, if-Do you remember when your mom gave me an award for honesty?" I felt a tinge of regret. "You win this round I guess." Kris smiled again.
I hated days like this. Under the summer sun, the forest's leaves bloomed, but if we went on a hike, Dess had to go too, so we played with toys, alone in my house. We played without effort, and often silently, as if speaking would hurt us. I came down on them, but I still cared about them, in a childish manner. I could've talked to them, but when I tried I forgot, as per how I thought back then.
While we didn't talk, I remained determined. When Dess wasn't there, I often felt empty, but at this moment, I also felt desire. To a child like me, it was inexpressible. I felt closer to something, but I didn't know what, so I tried to dismiss it, but I looked around, hoping for something to do, though I knew I'd likely fail.
When I looked at my couch, and I saw no one there, I realized I loved Dess. Rudy told me I loved her, and I didn't believe him, but now that she was gone, I loved her so much. The worlds in my head, though they were beautiful, could hold nothing against Dess. She helped build many of them, either without intent, or with her love, which I wished I'd given back.
"Kris?" "Yeah?" "Can I go outside?" "But... Noelle..." They looked at me with cute eyes. "Aw, you can remain alone right?" They held their head down. "I-I'm sorry for being mean." "No you weren't mean, you..." "I wanna-I-I wanna look for Dess, okay?" Kris waved me goodbye. I went to the door, and I looked outside. I grabbed the gate keys, which I'd just learned how to use, and I went outside.
It was brighter than before, but the wind kept me cold. I searched for my sister, without restraint or calmness. I was alone and scared, and my fear kept me walking. At one point I noticed that, oddly enough, the wind blew to the forest, but I thought nothing of it. Thoughts like those seemed stupid. In my childhood, I didn't like silliness, even though I enjoyed it.
I searched all around the block, but many minutes passed, and I didn't find her. Brightness came over me, and I saw a clearer sky. I realized something was wrong. If Dess went away, she'd tell me where she went. The more my panic grew, the more unusual it felt, though it felt familiar. I thought about it some more.
A dove cooed nearby. My cheeks rose and I looked, and I saw it a block off. It seemed so far away, but I still looked, since it had a puffy throat. I walked into the forest, thinking of what she'd say, when I found her there. As I walked into shadow, I felt a bitter chill, but I liked the cold. When I thought of it right, I could draw strength from a chill.
There was a clearing there, that the two of us, along with Azzy and Kris, talked to each other on. I thought that she could be there, and that she'd tell me why. While I walked I drifted. I felt dreamier, and much kinder, thinking about my sister. I just wanted to see her, and to be reassured. While I thought of her, I saw the clearing.
The sun peeked through the trees, and my sister wasn't there. I didn't know what to do. I sat on a fallen tree. Dess and me often sat here, enjoying time together. When I leaned on her shoulder, I closed my eyes and felt loved. I found that in the present, I had my head tilted, at a small angle. I had my hands on my shirt, though it wasn't a sweater.
My eyes drifted to the trees. For about three seconds, I stared entranced, at the sunlight peeking through. Each tree stood out. The sun looked orange, with a hint of white. Grass seemed to mirror that light, and so did the trees. The world seemed better here. I stood in the clearing, still trapped in admiration.
I came out of the forest, because Kris waited for me. I felt no more wind, and the sun was up, and it would get hotter. My parents waited. Dess might be waiting too. When I came to our house, the sun shone through the windows, and it shone upon the roof. I didn't like it. I didn't want to get tan. I wanted to relax, in a big house in the north.
When I came inside, Rudy had returned, but Carol wasn't there, despite going out with him. When I asked him where she was, he said she was upstairs. Kris didn't seem too distressed, but Rudy was very scared, and I gave him a hug. Rudy went upstairs. I talked to my best friend. Eye contact with them scared me.
"Why aren't you worried?" "She'll come back." "But she won't!" "Why'd you think that?" "Well I know she always comes back but... but..." "Come on!" "I'm sorry Kris I don't know what to do-I... Maybe.. maybe the wind blew her away or something. I don't mean it but... I think that could be what... what actually happened!"
"Noelle calm the heck down!" "I'm not shouting!" "Calm down I'm not shouting either. Why are you saying that?" "I... I..." "Can you say anything?" "I don't want you to be here anymore." "Noelle what the heck?" "Do you remember when Toriel gave me an honesty prize, Kris?" I briefly smiled. I held back my tears. I gave Rudy the gate keys, and I ran to my bedroom.
I looked out of my window, and saw a sidewalk, and a gateway, paved with an orange sun. Even when I was nine, I knew something was wrong. I knew Carol was up here, and I knew she might come in. I made very little noise. I didn't hear footsteps. At last I processed my thoughts, despite encroaching sunlight.
I didn't often thank Dess, but she treated me well, she would come to my aid, she would come with me on walks, she would comfort me, and if she was still here, Dess still loved me, wherever she'd went. No tears came from my eyes. With my sister gone, and my argument with Kris, I didn't know how to feel. Everything felt sad, but everyone was angry.
In Sapphira County, and some of its surroundings, there wasn't much distress. Few enjoyed scary topics, at least in public. When we watched a scary film, Dess would cover my eyes. Sometimes she'd cover her own. When we watched a sad movie, I'd cry over it, but sometimes a day later, I thought about it, and it had no effect.
When I longed for her hug, though she'd left me, I found a new emotion. For what felt like the first time, I felt visceral horror, and it was persistent, and unflinching, and terrifying, within my limited view. I wanted Dess to help, but I thought that was stupid. I almost hit myself, but I fell down on the bed, still hating myself, but too tired to do much. I thought it was normal.
Dess did still live here, though I thought of my mind, and not her bedroom. I went to bed early. My plush friends cuddled me, since they felt like her sweater. I thought Kris felt like them, but I'd never touched them. I almost wanted to. When the plushes grew dull, I came out of bed. When I came downstairs, Carol wasn't there, and Neither was Kris. Only Rudy remained.
"Mommy's called the police. They'll come soon, don't worry!" "Will they bring December back, daddy?" "They will, don't worry. They, I mean, Asgore, the-the police chief, has a great record." Dess had disappeared. Before I talked to him, I looked away, at the pictures on the fridge. They showed me and Dess, and other old pictures. I turned to Rudy.
"Why can't you go out and find December?" "I don't know how to." "Why not." "Sweetie, how could I have... um, anticipated that she would disappear?" He'd dodged the question. I had no response, to either his statement, or my situation, so I sat on the couch, with my head in my hands, embracing my hopelessness.
Rudy sat on his chair, almost immobile, with little emotion. I caught glances at him. I stopped after a while, and I mimicked him, because I still felt nothing. When I thought about it, I felt like I melted, into the couch and myself. I went outside out of fear. I came in front of a wall, where there was no sunlight, and where there were no windows.
I couldn't go to Carol, I'd already went to Rudy, Kris and me didn't get along, Azzy might be busy, and because of the heat, I couldn't stay outside, but I couldn't go inside. All I had was myself, but if I tried hard enough, I could imagine Biscuit, my stuffed animal, as a real person. I decided that if I would go somewhere, it would be the Dreemurr house, and I would hope Kris was there.
I grabbed the gate keys. When I looked at people, I never knew what they'd do, though others did know, and I felt helpless. I thought I had some disease, involving my brain, because of how dumb I seemed, at least from my perspective. "Can I take the gate keys again?" "Yeah. Where do you want to go?" "Kris's house." "Okay."
The sun shone on the sidewalk, yet I still felt chilly. It felt impossible. I continued walking, ignoring my feelings. For a small moment, I thought I walked at night. For a moment I got scared, and I looked around, and I saw it was daytime. I slapped my face and my heart, which I regretted doing,
I wanted to escape the heat, but I knew so much could happen, or be happening, in the Dreemurr house. I let my thoughts run on. They were a swirling mess, and my fingers twitched, and my heart sank slightly. I looked at the road, and the more I looked at it, the more color it had, like when I looked at the sun.
Instinct kept me walking. I went to the door and knocked. Everything seemed still, and my heart beat faster. There were no birds calling, and no neighbors passed by, and when I looked up, I saw closed curtains. Darkness peeked through window cracks. It seemed like a bad sign, though I could go nowhere else.
Toriel opened the door. Her friendly face scared me. "Welcome, Noelle!" I leaned back. "Don't be afraid, you'll always be welcome!" I took a step back, and then I took one forward. Nobody was behind her. Nobody else was downstairs. "Is Asriel here? Me and Kris are, um, where are they anyway?" "Kris is taking a walk. Yes, he's here, you can find Asriel in his bedroom."
Atop the staircase, I saw a hallway, covered in darkness. Toriel stood there and watched, as I went upstairs. When I looked at her, she went back to the couch. She looked silent and scared, despite her smile. Light shone through the windows. Darkness peeked through the door's slits. Just a year ago, I wouldn't think much of it.
I heard a deep sniffle, from behind the door. I almost made the same noise. Like Rudy's voice before, I heard more rage than sadness. I came back to the wall, and moved away from the window. I didn't want more sunlight, in my current mood, and in this situation. I heard a gentle noise. It sounded like a sob. I thought of the sniffle.
It was Asriel, but something had changed. There was a sense of distress, surely unimpeded. With my mouth still open, I knocked on the door. For maybe half a minute, nobody opened it, but then Azzy opened it, gentle yet with much force. He slowly turned his head. He shambled backward. I realized something weird. Azzy lived in the light.
At this time of the day, his shades usually weren't closed. To my former annoyance, he liked to remain in light, even if it made me sweat. He watched films with lights on, to Dess's annoyance. Compared to his sibling, he was a very bright kid, in both mood and intellect. I walked inside with goosebumps. This room felt colder.
He didn't look at me. He could still see me, but he looked at the door. When he looked at me, he opened his arms. On both of our faces, a small smile appeared. I gave him a hug. His arms didn't close. For a brief but tender moment, I felt like I hugged a plush, until he hugged me back. As soon as we broke away, Asriel held his forehead.
Instead of copying him, I sat on Kris's bed, and I rubbed my eye. I thrust myself up, and came to the curtains, but he threw his hand at me, briefly retracted it, and then he whipped it back up. While he sat on his bed, he kept his hand up. Asriel lowered his hand, and he moved closer. "Noelle, I... Noelle, I need to tell you and your family that..."
His words could contain something, that despite my insistence, Rudy thought I shouldn't hear, and it made me excited. Asriel closed his eyes, and he pursed his lips. I heard a choking sound, though he barely moved. Asriel shuddered. I tried to think of something, but I didn't know how. Asriel raised his hand.
"Well, maybe just you. Noelle, can you stay here for a moment?" "Yes." He went to the door, and after he closed the door, I heard him walking downstairs. I leaned against the door, hearing him and his mother. She was quite relaxed, but Azzy was hard to hear, though he made hangouts louder. I listened anyway.
I pressed my ear to the door, harder and harder, as he walked up the stairs, thinking he might speak his thoughts. When I heard him on carpet, I went to his bed. He delayed his entry. He walked into the room, and sat down with me. Asriel took a deep breath, and stretched his arms, which looked much smaller, from this perspective.
"I don't think she's coming back." Azzy let go of his breath. At first he sounded relieved, but it turned to sorrow. His voice seemed too gentle. He started crying. Whether there were no tears, or tens of hundreds, his voice sounded similar. Azzy seemed like Kris's Dess. "Of course she isn't." I said it from instinct. His eyebrows moved up.
He stammered like Carol, and he looked at me. He took a breath in. He reached out his hand, but he retreated. I thought I should get out, but I knew I could be wrong. As I walked out of the room, he kept staring at me. Then he got up and stammered, and he went to his bed. As I closed the door, Asriel waved me goodbye. He smiled brightly, but he looked very worried.
I opened the door. I went to his side, and gave him another hug. As if I surprised him, he took a massive breath, and hugged me harder. He released his breath. Asriel loosened his arms, and I closed my eyes. I broke away soon after. He had a small grin. I left him alone. I didn't know why, but he was hard to handle.
For a peaceful moment, I stood in shadow, thinking about myself, and what I'd just did. I hugged Rudy often. Sometimes Kris hugged me, but I never hugged Azzy. It seemed embarrassing, since he was way too big. He was different than us. He was a model student, and a great friend, when I was around him.
While I went downstairs, Toriel surprised me. "Noelle, did everything go well? He's not doing so well, and you..." "Yes, everything went well. Your child is very sweet." I said it insincerely. Toriel didn't react. "By the way, where's Kris?" "Oh, they're at QC's." She was still smiling, despite her duller voice.
I closed the door behind me. I only heard my breathing. I wanted to go somewhere, but to where I would go, I had no idea, so I figured it pointless. As the sun went higher, in a patch of shadow, I stayed there unmoving, like Asriel still held me. I had no more good thoughts. I wanted to see Kris, but I walked back to my house.
The sky was pure blue, my favorite color. I didn't see anyone, except for two children, sitting in a lawn, doing nothing. I felt a chill somewhere. My head moved on its own, and when I stopped it, the feeling went to my arms, which wrapped around my chest. I stared at the sidewalk, and that lessened the chill.
An idea developed. Dess might not come back, but I still hoped to see her. Maybe in the forest, in the house, at the police station. I thought that maybe, Dess would be in a weird place, one that I'd never thought of, or that I knew where she was, but my mind denied it, because I was stupider, compared to many people.
When I came into the house, I had a small smirk, though I didn't know why. Carol wasn't there, and Neither was Rudy. I put down the gate keys. With every stairstep, I felt less energetic. I laid myself on the bed, hoping for more energy. I felt like a day had passed. Yet the bed didn't help. I still felt numb. My flowed through my veins, feeling like a parasite.
When I got up I stood there, and then I leaned on the wall. I sighed as the blood flowed, and I forced myself off. I happened to look at the mirror. I went down the stairs, but as I did, I stopped and I wondered, if I'd changed physically, not just emotionally, with what I'd endured today. Using little energy, I walked back upstairs.
I saw my long hair, a mix between Dess's black, and Carol's bright blonde. For nearly five years, I'd seen it as black. It appeared black to me, but now it was brown. My eyes matched my hair, but I wanted blue eyes, like the sister I loved. I wished I could have chosen, or been made by someone else. My blood flowed with anger, my target unknown.
I hated my own body. With my childlike face, and with my checkered sweater, I didn't look like myself. I thought I looked moronic. Rudy said otherwise, but I couldn't believe him. I compared myself to Dess, and then Rudy, and I felt defeated. I slumped on the counter, and I pulled my head up, to stare out of shame.
I didn't know what to do. Though Carol wore makeup, I didn't like it. For a long and painful time, I'd have to deal with my look. I could comb my hair, or run my hands through it, but there was no hope. If mirrors terrified me, I could only look away, until the next mirror came, and I got depressed again. I looked like I'd cry.
I sat at my laptop, hoping to fight the sorrow, but instead it became worse. I was trapped in this state, where I thought of both the games, and my still-missing sister. I continued anyway. My head hurt so badly, so I shut down my thoughts, as fast as I could, and laid on the floor, my mind still ringing, with strange harsh melodies.
When I lifted myself up, and my body felt lighter, it was 2:30, the time when in spring, I got out of school. My parents could be away. I didn't want to stay there, I didn't want to go out. I thought that I was the one, that sabotaged the whole thing. If things went badly, I could sabotage myself. I went slowly downstairs. Rudy came to me.
"You didn't have lunch. Are you hungry? "But I'm not hungry daddy. And I need to lose weight right?" "Noelle, you need to eat! I don't care if you want to lose weight, it's, it's 2:30, you need to eat lunch!" "Okay, you can cook anything." I walked to my bedroom. I didn't want to lie down. I wanted to stay awake, and hope Dess would come back.
Rudy cooked pizza for me. When it was ready, and I raised it to my mouth, I felt like putting it back. I took a bite anyway, because of Carol's rules. It tasted much like plain rice. I ate only one piece, before I excused myself. Rudy accepted it, and ate the rest for me. "Okay, sweetie, but I don't think Carol will be happy." I shook my head and went off.
I came out of the door, and went straight to QC's, still thinking about my face. This time I saw Asgore. He saw me walking, he waved right at me, and he walked toward our home. I didn't wave back, but I felt uneasy. In Sapphira County, disappearances were rare. He might not find my sister. I thought he shouldn't smile.
I stood close to QC's, but I didn't see Kris yet. I thought about going home, yet my will stuck around, for unknown reasons. I took a deep breath, and opened the door. I looked around the place. Many people were there, but I saw no humans. I wanted to talk. I felt relieved they weren't there. In order to order food, I needed my father, since I was too awkward. Kris made fun of me for it.
When I got to their house, I knocked and waited again. Kris answered the door. Toriel had left, for unknown reasons. As we walked upstairs, I said nothing to Kris, and they said nothing to me. Kris was my only friend now. I was confident, that despite their cruelty, they could be a nice person, but when I thought more I winced.
"Come back for more?" "Yeah, I guess. Can-can we just do something?" "Okay." They sounded somewhat shy. We got to playing, though I wanted to go home. "Hey, why don't we go to your house? It's so huge." "My mommy doesn't want you to be there, she-well she, um, uh, doesn't dislike you, but-I guess it's not good to take risks now.
"Oh, Azzy's still in your room. I visited him. He doesn't want to be disturbed. Well... Why don't you go in and-and um, ask if we can go there." When Kris closed the door, I heard them both speak, very softly, and the more I waited, the more impatient I grew, until Kris opened the door. "Well... we... Azzy's doing fine, but we should still leave him alone."
We played with toys downstairs, though it wasn't fun at all, at least for me, and they weren't smiling. We came up with three stories, all of them unsuccessful. Kris gave up in my full view. Without asking me, they threw their toys away. I hoped that regarding me, Kris had less terrible thoughts. I stared and thought of speaking.
The same chill went through me. I wanted to keep playing, to appease my best friend. Despite our differences, and our arguments, we were still best friends, and they trusted me. They might be enjoying this, and as long as they could be, I had to keep playing. The more I thought of it, the more it seemed absurd, but it was a purpose. It had to be maintained, until like I predicted, Kris gave up on it.
"Ugh..." They said it like Rudy would. "I don't wanna be here anymore." I sat offended, though I'd said the same thing. "What? Kris, we can go to my house if you want. I was... unreasonably scared." "No, I don't wanna go there." I was confused. "Well... where will we go then?" "Nowhere." "So we stay here." "No, it's not like that." Before I knew it, I felt my hand on my face. I jerked it toward my lap.
"Do you want-" "No, Kris, I don't want anything, really. I can't explain it." "Um, Noelle, I think... I should check on Azzy." "Don't worry, I visited him. He's doing fine. I'll... go away, if you want me to." My face scrunched in regret, and to hide it from Kris, I looked out of a window. They stuttered my name, yet I didn't look back. I went out of the door, unhappy with myself.
I came out of the house. I ran to my house. I ran slowly to calm down. I looked down out of sadness, and to avoid the sun. I knew that for sure, something was wrong with Hometown. When I finally got home, I'd head to my bedroom, and then play some games. I'd get out for dinner, an occasional snack, and after dinner, I'd see if I could sleep.
As Rudy opened the gate, he remained somber. When I was in shade at last, I saw my mother, sitting there on the couch, with nothing to do, still in office clothes. Her face terrified me, though I couldn't see it. I leaned back a little, and then corrected myself. Carol looked away from me, until she looked back, and she was clearly angry. I tried not to look at her.
Rudy came up to me, too professionally. Until I looked in his eyes, he didn't talk at all. "I know things aren't seeming so great right now. But, please, stay strong. I don't... I think Dess will return soon. And we'll get through this." I strongly objected. If he believed it, he needed to look at Carol, and how she treated me. I couldn't tell him that. I was only a child.
"Yeah, we'll do better together." Carol sounded cold, and after the last word, she bit into a cookie. As per how I thought, we weren't a family, not anymore, not without my sister, and not with this atmosphere, and not with so much horror, that I couldn't handle, and that to an extent, my parents couldn't handle.
I was scared. I wanted to go upstairs, but my parents watched me. "Noelle, do you have anything to say?" In other times Dess would speak, and reassure them. "Well what... I don..." The stress mounted and I, despite my fears, bore a dark expression. They could see my face, but they did nothing, perhaps since they couldn't.
When the thought hit me, I stared at my parents, who didn't comfort me. Prompted by my feelings, I thought that Carol deserved, not my sister, but the same fate as Dess, and she shouldn't be here. If I'd had my wish, I might never have been born, but I held these thoughts, until a cage failed, and I still couldn't speak them.
"Come on! Can I go upstairs already?" "Yes. Give Noelle some slack, Carol, she's scared of being left alone." "She should probably... soften her tone, Rudy." Here I intervened. "How am I gonna soften my tone? How am I gonna do that in this situation?" Carol stuttered. "Wait, be quiet, I-Sorry, I need to think of a way to... I need to think...
"I mean I can't just go on without Dess. She was my sister and my bestie. I enjoyed her company almost every second of my life. I'll be sad while she's gone and I'll be sad that she left me if she comes back. And... will she come back? You, you say that she'll come soon. Azzy su-I mean... Oh... Oh, fuck-"
"Noelle what the-the-w-what are you doing?" I felt as if I'd fallen. I knew I shouldn't swear, to maintain politeness. Politeness felt insane, but I treated it as law, because I couldn't help it. I cried when I heard real yells. Carol knew I was like this, yet she still chose to do that, and I didn't know why. I was her daughter.
My eyes came to Rudy's. He looked shocked and not angry. "Daddy, I-" Rudy knew my situation too, yet for some reason, he didn't do anything. Something went wrong with my head. With the tension I bore, I tried to turn my head. I felt like my neck could snap. I ran up to my bedroom, thinking of Carol, running after me.
Before I got there, I looked down at my parents, who argued about me, without saying my name. When I got out of sight, I heard Rudy say "L-Lâcher, Carol, Lâcher." I stood there, hoping that I'd understand, but they continued, and when Carol came into view, I closed the door, hoping she hadn't seen me, and that she'd leave me alone.
My parents stopped talking. I got under the bedsheets, and I hugged myself, and then I squeezed my plushes. I thought of my suffering. Despite how awful it was, I thought of no solutions, because I'd been taught, in a subconscious way, that for problems like these, there was no such thing, without a parent's help.
Sometimes me and Carol, despite our differences, went on hikes together. I didn't think about it, and for the poster I made, for the skills she taught me, for the language she taught, I did the same, because they felt weird. Acknowledging these things, while already sobbing, seemed ridiculous, and impossible, at least to a child.
I cried into the pillow, not on a shoulder. I used to cry on Dess, and when she'd done all she could, I cried on Rudy's shoulder. I thought of certain moments, between me and Dess, and me and Rudy, and how I felt afterwards. Even as I thought of them, they faded from my mind, though I tried to remember.
I thought of my sister, her long hair and her blue eyes, her way of lifting me up, and infinitely else. After a while, the thoughts faded, and so did my will. I wanted to sleep, but until I fell asleep, one thought didn't die, and I couldn't stop it, because that just made it worse. The thought was of Kris, and when it evolved, it made me hopeful at last.
We could rebuild our friendship. They could become like Dess. We could be friends forever, if I just apologized. I thought I could be stupid. I thought this wasn't real. I knew this was very real, but saying that to myself, though it was soothing, could create a nightmare, so I tired myself out, wiped my sweat off my sheets, and tried to fall asleep.