Archive of Our Own

Daniel Howell doesn’t even know he’s pregnant until after it happened. 

He can’t even bring himself to name it, this huge, earth shattering thing that left half the universe behind. Left Dan behind. If he’s honest, and he’s trying to be, to himself at least, he thinks it should have been him. He wants so desperately for it to have been him. He wants the pain of losing the best person he’s ever known to go away, to disappear in the wind like his dreams did the moment that doctor performed the pregnancy test. 

He thinks the world would be a much better place if Phil was here and Dan wasn’t. 

 Tears streak down his cheeks as he lies in bed. His family isn’t home, thank god for small miracles. He doesn’t know what to say to them. How to make this okay. 

 He lets out a quiet sob.

If Phil was here, he’d know what to say. He always knows…knew exactly what to say when it came to Dan. Phil knew him better than anyone. And now he’s gone and Dan feels as though he’s suspended in midair, only seconds away from the fall. 

 Dan can’t even fathom telling his family. They’d given him enough of a hard time when he came out as trans, he doesn’t want to even think about how they’d react knowing that not only is their son gay, but also pregnant by his ‘best friend’. 

Phil was his best friend. But he was also so much more than that. Dan can feel the shattered remains of his heart breaking even further. No one ever told him life was fair, but they also never said it was going to hurt this badly. That he was going to hurt this badly. He wipes at his tear stained cheeks. He’s sure he looks like a mess, and he doesn’t want to look that way when his parents get home. 

 Dan decides, for once in his life, to get up and clean his room. It’ll give him something to do that isn’t thinking of the giant clusterfuck his life has become, not to mention hopefully please his mum enough that it will soften the blow when he tells his parents the bad news. 

Dinner is awkward as hell. Dan doesn’t feel much like talking to his family these days under normal circumstances. But with the snap and the big news on his mind it takes things to an extreme. 

“Daniel, can you pass the salt?” His mother asks politely and he obliges, refusing to make eye contact. She eyes him suspiciously, but Dan doesn’t budge. He’s going to need all his strength to get through this evening. 

“So, Dan, how was your day?” His father asks and Dan flinches. His brother is next to him, typing away on his phone. It bothers Dan that they let him do that while Dan is held to a complete other standard. 

“Fine.” He says, poking around at his mashed potatoes. 

“Make eye contact when you’re speaking to me, young la- I mean, young man.”

Dan looks up. “You can’t even get my gender right and yet you expect me to respect you.” 

“Daniel, we are trying, and I’m going to need you to tone down the attitude.” His mother responds. 

“Whatever.” Dan rolls his eyes. 

“I know you’re having a hard time with your friend being gone and I’ve tried to be as patient with you as I possibly can, but I am not going to allow you to disrespect me and your mother in this house.” His father snaps. 

“Boyfriend.” 

“Excuse me?” His father raises his eyebrow. 

“Phil was my boyfriend.” Dan exhales. “Mum, Dad, I’m gay.” 

He feels a dark pit forming in his stomach at the matching looks of shock on his parents’ faces. He knew this was going to happen, that his coming out was going to be a huge clusterfuck. 

“So you’re telling me that you like boys? That you could have stayed a girl this entire time?!” His father practically shouts and Dan wants to strangle him. Now would have been a really good time for Phil to be here. 

“Yes, I like boys and no, I couldn’t have “stayed” a girl. I was never a girl.” Dan can feel his chest tighten. “It’s like you never hear a word I say!” 

“Daniel, there is no need to shout. Honestly, what has gotten into you lately?” His mother interjects. 

“Maybe I’m tired of being treated like my life is a joke!” 

“This is a lot for you to spring on us.” His mother says calmly. “First the transgender thing and now this.” 

“Oh well it’s about to get even better.” Dan says sarcastically. “Because I’m pregnant too.” 

“Pregnant?” His father’s face is red. 

His mother takes a look at his brother, who’s watching the exchange with wide eyes. “Honey, go to your room.” 

“But-” 

“Now.” His father interjects. His brother runs up the stairs, leaving his plate behind untouched. Dan wishes that could be him. 

“Gay and pregnant? Really, Daniel? What on earth were you thinking?!” His mother demands. 

“That I’m on testosterone and I didn’t think this could happen?” 

“Now is not the time for jokes.” 

Dan sighs. He knew this was going to be an absolute shit show but it hurt all the same. And he knows it was irresponsible to go without condoms but Phil made him want to throw caution to the wind. 

“And just what do you think you’re going to do with the baby, Dan? You start uni soon!” His mother exclaims. 

“I’m keeping the baby.” Dan says defiantly. 

His father huffs. “Are you trying to tell us you’re going to raise this baby while studying law? Are you out of your goddamn mind?” 

“I guess I must be.” 

“Well, not in this house you won’t.” His father says firmly. “Since you want to act like an adult, I’m going to treat you like one. If you keep this baby, you need to leave.”

Dan swears his heart stops in that moment. He knew going in that it wasn’t going to be pleasant, but he never would have thought his parents would throw him out. He feels the sting of tears in his eyes, but he holds strong. He’s not going to give them the satisfaction of seeing him cry. 

“Well, if that’s what you want.” 

“Where exactly do you think you’re going to go?” His mother demands. “Daniel, please, be reasonable.” 

 “I’ve made my choice and you’ve made yours.” Dan says. “Now, if you’ll excuse me.” He storms up the stairs to pack.

Dan realizes pretty quickly that he’s not going to be able to take much with him. He fills his bag with the essentials; clothing, toiletries, and a few small mementos from his time with Phil. He takes a second to breathe deeply. His mother was right. He really did have nowhere to go, not without Phil around. 

He could always go to Manchester. Phil had a couple of friends out there that might be able to take him in for a few days. After that, well, Dan is going to have to figure that out on his own. 

He has some money in savings, enough to get to Manchester at the very least. He’ll have to find a job, and quickly, but he can get by a little bit, especially if he can get one of Phil’s friends to take him in.

Part of him thinks about telling Phil’s family, but he decides against it. They’re very kind people but the last thing Dan wants is to stress them out with his problems while grieving their son. 

That night when he walks out the door he doesn’t meet his parents' eyes. They don’t deserve a goodbye, not after they just threw him out to the wolves. 

The walk to the train station takes what seems like forever. He’d forgone the cab, wanting to save money. And the walk is giving him a chance to clear his head. So he has nowhere to go. It’s still better than sticking around his parents house, walking on eggshells and giving his baby away. Or getting rid of it. 

Still. They were his parents. And he feels a deep sense of grief for the boy who was never good enough, that failed to meet those impossible standards. 

By the time he reaches the train station he’s ready to sit. He buys the tickets, almost a whopping £200. It will get him to Manchester but he’s going to have to be careful with the rest of his money.

Dan pulls out his phone and takes a moment to just stare at the screen. He’s suddenly nervous, an explosion of butterflies filling his stomach and making his palms sweat. He decides to text Phil’s non-youtuber friend Carla first. He doesn’t think he can stomach being in the same house as people are doing the very thing he and Phil bonded over. 

Dan: Hey Carla! It’s Dan Howell, Phil’s friend. I was wondering if I could stay with you for a few days while I’m in Manchester. 

He waits a few moments. 

Carla: Hi Dan! It’s good to hear from you! I’m really sorry to hear about Phil. You are more than welcome​ to come and stay! What time does your train get in so I can meet you at the station?

Dan: Thank you so much! I’m about to start boarding so I should be there in about 4 hours. 

Carla: Sounds good! See you then. 

Dan relaxes just a little bit. He’s got a roof over his head for the next few nights. The rest he can figure out tomorrow. 

He manages to find a window seat when he finally boards the train. He likes the window seat. He can see the scenery passing by and it also makes him feel like he’s in a sad music video, which Dan thinks he needs right now. 

He curses when he goes through his bag and realizes he left his earbuds at home, much to the dismay of the elderly woman sitting next to him. He sighs and rests his head against the window. If Phil was still here they’d be texting up a storm. His chest hurts at the reminder of him, at the future that disappeared the moment Phil did. 

The train ride is agonizingly slow, though Dan attributes it to his lack of music. It left him alone with his thoughts, which for Dan is not a good place to be. 

Dan tries not to think about the way Phil would pull him into a warm hug at the station, the way he did when they met a few short months ago. He tries not to think of the way Phil would take him back to his parents’ house, wrap him up in a warm blanket, and let Dan cry the way he so desperately wants to. 

He feels the sting of tears in his eyes and he wipes them away. Not in public. 

Finally the train arrives at the station and, unlike when he met Phil, rushes off the train. As he’s walking down the platform he spots Carla, sporting a paper sign that says ‘Dan’ and he cracks a small smile. 

“Daniel!” She cries out, waving as she spots him. 

“Hi.” He says as he approaches. “Nice sign.” He smirks.

“Just wanted to make sure you saw me.” 

“Well, I definitely saw you.” They share a laugh. 

“Ready to go?” Carla asks. 

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” 

They walk back to Carla’s apartment in silence. Dan can tell she’s curious about what is happening but she doesn’t ask and Dan is somewhat relieved. He knows he’ll need to tell her but this isn’t something he wants to hash out in public. He doesn’t want anyone to spot him being a crying mess out on the street. 

Luckily, the walk doesn’t take too long. Carla’s apartment is small, the living area about the size of his bedroom back in Reading, with a small bedroom and bathroom off to the side. There’s clutter everywhere but Dan doesn’t mind. It’s already more comfortable than his parents’ house. 

“Sorry about the mess.” Carla says as Dan drops his bag next to the couch. “I wasn’t exactly expecting company.” 

“Sorry.” 

“No, no, don’t apologize.” Carla says quickly. “I’m happy to have you here.”

“Thank you.” Dan says sincerely. 

“Do you want some tea? Some water?” She asks. 

“No, thank you.” 

Carla sighs and takes a seat on the couch, patting the spot next to her where Dan sits carefully. “I don’t want to pry.” She begins. “But I couldn’t help but notice you seem sad. And the way you just came out here so suddenly…is everything okay, Dan?” The look of genuine concern on her face brings tears to his eyes. 

Dan thinks for a moment. Phil trusted her…so Dan can trust her, right? And she deserves an answer as to why a 19 year old boy is crashing out on her doorstep.

“I’m gay. And trans.” He exhales. “And I’m pregnant with Phil’s baby. My parents threw me out.” His voice is shaky and he sits on his hands to keep them from shaking too. 

“Oh my god, Dan!” The look of shock on her face causes a pit to form in the bottom of Dan’s stomach. Or maybe it’s the baby. He doesn’t know a whole lot about pregnancy. “I am so sorry.” 

“It’s not your fault.”

“Still.” She insists. “Well, I just want you to know you are welcome to stay as long as you need.” 

“Thank you.” Dan replies. “I’m really tired, is it okay if I just…”

“Oh, of course!” She stands and pulls a pillow and blanket out of a linen closet and hands it to him. “If you decide you’re hungry or you want something to drink feel free to get up and raid my kitchen. This is your home now, too, for as long as you need.”

Dan nods as she walks into her bedroom and closes the door. He sighs, lying down and pulling the blanket over him. 

It’s been a long, hard day but of course Dan can’t get to sleep. What happens if Carla gets sick of him or he can’t get out of here before the baby comes? What is he going to do about university? 

He turns over and now that he’s alone, the tears come hard and fast. He sobs into his pillow and lets the events of the day crash over him. 

Finally, sleep comes, and Dan relaxes. 

28 Weeks Along

Dan hates his job. He’s 28 weeks along now and stocking shelves at Tesco is getting harder and harder with each passing day. Still, it’s a job and it’s getting him one step closer to getting out of Carla’s place. He’s got a visible bump now, and he pretends not to notice the stares and dirty looks he gets whenever he leaves the house.

Whatever. The haters can suck it

“Daniel!” His manager, a balding man in his 40s called Rick, calls out. “It’s time for your break.” 

“Thank god.” He mutters, walking off to the break room.

He takes a seat in the break room, fighting the urge to rub at his feet. Not really appropriate break room behavior. He reaches over to the water cooler next to him and pours himself a nice cold cup of water. 

He probably shouldn’t. Rick will probably have a fit if he takes any more bathroom breaks.

When Dan applied for the job a couple months ago, he neglected to tell Rick about his pregnancy. In fact, he hadn’t mentioned it until it became nearly impossible to hide. By that point Dan had already been hired and it would have been discriminatory to fire him. 

So instead Rick decided to make his life hell.

Dan sighs, absent mindedly rubbing his belly. Of course, at that moment Rick storms into the break room. 

“Daniel, I need you back on the floor.” 

Dan rolls his eyes. “My break’s not over yet.” 

“You’ll get another one later. I need you back on the floor to finish that piss poor job you did stocking the crisps.”

Dan rolls his eyes again, but stands and makes his way out to the floor. He really can’t afford to lose this job even if his boss is a giant prick. 

He gets through the rest of his shift in a daze. He never did get that break but Dan is beyond the point of caring. He just wants to get home, put his feet up on the couch, and maybe use a heating pad on his back. 

Lucky for him, Carla is waiting for him in the car when he gets out. The quicker he can get home, the better.

Carla has very quickly become one of his best friends. His only friend, really. He didn’t have many to begin with, just youtube colleagues who were either snapped or fell out of contact when he quit youtube.

But Carla has been nothing but kind and patient with him. Dan knows it’s a massive inconvenience to have someone sleeping on your couch for so long but she’s never made him feel that way. He feels welcomed. 

“So, how’d your day go?” Carla asks when he climbs into the passenger seat.

“Just Rick being a massive dickwaffle as per usual.” 

“Ugh.” Carla rolls her eyes. “What did he do now?” 

“Called me up to the floor on my break and didn’t give me another one.” Dan sighs in frustration. “Have I mentioned before how much I hate this place?”

“Only a million times.” Carla keeps her eyes on the road, but Dan knows her ears are listening.

“Do you really think anyone’s going to hire a gay, trans, pregnant boy?” Dan raised an eyebrow. 

“I mean, it's fine. I can put up with Rick being a dickwaffle.” 

Carla snorts. “I think dickwaffle is too nice a term.” 

“True but I don’t want to corrupt your innocent sensitivities.” Dan smirks. 

“Fuck off.” Carla laughs. “Who’s the one who made you watch Orgasmo again?” 

“That movie scarred me for life.” 

“So basically you’re the one with innocent sensitivities.” 

“Hey, not that innocent. Pregnant, remember?” Dan feels lighter than he has since the snap. The sting of Phil’s loss and being disowned is still there, thrumming in his blood, but he’s learned to manage. A good friend like Carla helps a lot.

“So you’re telling me a stork isn’t bringing you that baby? I feel like I’ve been lied to!” 

“Shut up.” He lets out a laugh. 

They pull into the parking garage at Carla’s flat, and once they’re parked Dan takes a deep breath. He’s finally home and can get some goddamn rest before he has to get up and do it all over again in the morning. 

He flops face down on the couch the second he walks through the door. 

“Tired much?” Carla raises an eyebrow, though she already knows the answer to that question. “Also don’t lay face down, that has to be uncomfortable. 

“I don’t care.” Dan mumbles but turns to his side all the same. “Happy now, mum?” 

“Don’t call me that. I’m not old enough and I’m not adopting you.” 

Dan sighs, feeling a pain in his chest. He’s thinking of Phil again; thinking of the way they would banter, usually leading to sex and kisses and a feeling of love that he’d never felt before in his life. A feeling that Dan was sure he’d never feel again. He felt the tears streaking down his cheeks. Damn pregnancy hormones. At least that’s what he’s telling himself. 

He lets out a sob.

“Hey, hey.” Carla sits down on the couch and starts rubbing “What’s going on?” Dan knows it’s futile to lie to her. Carla always knows. Like she says, she has a bullshit radar and right now Dan is on it. 

“I miss Phil.” He sniffles.

“Oh, honey.” Carla says. “I know it’s hard.” 

“I don’t know how I’m going to do it on my own.” 

“You aren’t.” Carla says firmly. “You have me. And I’m going to be the best auntie ever to your sweet little baby.” Dan gives her a small smile, wiping his cheeks. 

“I just thought maybe I’d be over it by now. I mean, we really didn’t know each other long in the grand scheme of things.” 

“Yeah, but you love him.” She says gently. “That kind of hurt is the kind that will never fully heal.” 

“Sometimes I wish it was me.” 

“Dan.” Carla’s eyes are sad. “Please don’t say that.” 

“It’s true.” He sits up, holding his pillow tight to his chest. “Phil was just…so incredible, and he made so many people’s lives better and it’s just…I really don’t see what I bring to the table. I’m just Dan.” 

“Okay.” Carla stood. “That’s it. This pity party is over, Daniel.” She sighs, clearly frustrated, and it makes Dan feel worse. “You are a good person who is about to bring another life into this world. What would you do if your child started talking like that?”

“You’ve got a point.” Dan admits. “Just…when am I going to stop feeling like there’s a gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be?” 

“It takes time.” She pauses. “Dan, I know this is going to sound forward and I don’t want to offend you, but have you ever thought about therapy?” 

“With what money?” Dan snaps. 

“Wow, okay, don’t talk to me like that.” Carla retorts. “Second of all, we have this thing called the NHS. Have you ever heard of that?” 

“I’m not about to sit on some waitlist for months on end, waiting for someone to tell me that what I’m feeling is normal.” 

“I just worry. Sometimes you say things that worry me.” She pauses. “Dan, I need you to know that the world is better with you in it. I know you miss Phil, and everything seems so hard right now, but I promise you, things will get better. But you also have to put in the work to make that happen.” 

Dan weeps, big loud sobs that shake his entire body. Carla wraps her arms around Dan. 

“I don’t want to feel this way.” He cries. 

“Then get help. Please, Dan. At least give it a shot.”

“Okay.” Dan sniffles. “I’ll give it a try if I can find private therapy I can afford.” 

“That’s all I ask.” 

Dan spends the rest of the evening on the couch, only getting up for the bathroom, and later some stir fry Carla made. When he goes to sleep that night, he finally gets the rest he deserves.

32 Weeks Along

Dan is leaving his therapist's office when he feels it. 

A sharp pain in his belly which has him bending over in absolute agony. The pain radiates up his side, and Dan knows that something’s wrong. Something is seriously wrong. He collapses down onto the ground, clutching his bump. 

A dark haired man with glasses runs out of his car and over to Dan.

“Are you okay?” He asks. Dan simply grunts in response. “Do you need me to call for an ambulance?” 

“Yes, please.” Dan chokes out. His eyes are beginning to fill with tears from pain and embarrassment

The ambulance is called and, with plenty of assurances from Dan, the man goes inside the clinic, leaving Dan alone with his thoughts. He’s never hurt so bad in his life and the idea that something might happen to his baby is making things even worse.

The ambulance comes and checks him out. Suddenly he’s on a stretcher on his way to a&e and Dan has never been so scared in his entire life. He pulls his phone out. 

Dan: omw to a&e having belly pain

Carla: oh shit

Carla: I'll be there in 15

Dan: u don’t have to do that

Carla: Daniel. Not alone, remember?

Dan doesn’t respond. Once they arrive at the hospital they get him into a wheelchair and take him to the waiting room. The cramps are still there and it’s hard for Dan to focus on anything but the pain. 

“Dan!” Carla cries out as she rushes over to where Dan is seated. “Are you alright?” Dan just grunts in response, clutching his belly as Carla sits down next to him. “I told you, you don’t have to do this.” He manages to get out. 

“What are best friends for?” Carla asks gently and Dan gives her a small smile. 

“It hurts so bad.” 

Carla squeezes his shoulder. “Do you think the baby is coming?” 

“I fucking hope not.” The people around Dan give him a dirty look and Dan flushes. Right. Shouldn’t swear in polite company but right now Dan is in so much pain that he doesn’t really give a damn. “I’m scared.” He whispers. Carla wraps an arm around his shoulders and Dan leans in. 

“I’m sure they’ll get you back as soon as possible.” She says, giving Dan a squeeze. “Just try and relax. And for the love of god, don’t catastrophize. Nothing bad is happening until the doctors confirm it, so…” 

“Easier said than done.” 

They sit in silence for about fifteen minutes. Dan’s trying his best to keep the pain quiet, to avoid disturbing the people around him and to keep Carla from worrying. 

It’s nice to have someone who worries about him but he’d rather not push it. 

“[Redacted] Howell?” A nurse calls out and Dan flinches. He can’t wait for the day he can afford his legal name change. 

“It’s Daniel.” He chokes out as the nurse comes to wheel him into the triage room. 

They take his vitals and his heart rate is somewhat elevated so they insert an IV and wheel him to the back and get him on a stretcher in the hallway. It seems like forever that he’s laying there when a nurse or a tech or whatever walks up to him. 

“Alright, [Redacted], we’re gonna get you back for an ultrasound, but first I need you to confirm your date of birth.” 

“The 11th of June, 1991.” He says. “And please, call me Daniel.” 

“Alright, Daniel.” The tech smiles. “Let’s go ahead and get you back there so we can see what’s going on, yeah?” 

“Oh, thank god.” Dan sighs in relief and the tech chuckles. 

The ultrasound is fine. The baby is fine. But Dan is still in pain. He wants answers and he wants them now. Soon a doctor walks in and Dan feels the first sense of relaxation he’s had in hours. 

“Well, [Redacted], it looks like you and the baby are both fine.” The doctor says and Dan feels a flash of white hot anger. 

“It’s Daniel.” He says firmly. “And I want that documented in my chart.” 

“Right. Duly noted.” The doctor replies. “It seems like you seem to be suffering from gas pains.” 

“Oh.” Dan says. “So basically there’s nothing actually wrong with me or the baby?” 

“Correct.” The doctor confirms. “ I’ll write you a prescription for an anti gas medication and we'll get you your discharge papers then work on getting you home so you can get some rest.” 

 Rest sounds perfect to Dan. 

1 hour postpartum

Dan never thought he’d say this after Phil but he’s never been so in love before. 

His daughter is so tiny in his arms. Dan’s nervous that he might drop her, no matter what the doctors and Carla have been telling him. He can’t stop staring at her perfect little face. Everything he’s gone through to get to this point was worth it to be holding this sweet little baby. 

“Hi beautiful.” He whispers. “I’m your dad. Well, one of them, at least.” He pauses. “I wish your other dad was here to see you. But don’t you worry, I’ll love you enough for the both of us.” 

There’s a knock on his door, but the door opens anyway, revealing Carla holding a balloon that says ‘it’s a girl’ and a tiny stuffed lamb. 

“How are you feeling?” She asks quietly. 

“Pain.” He says. “But it was worth it.” 

“She’s so beautiful.” 

“She really is.” Dan smiles.

Dan beams. Suddenly he can’t even begin to imagine doing anything differently. Every road he took, every pain he endured has led him right to this moment. 

“Do you have a name?” Carla asks.

“Rowan.” Dan looks down smiling at his baby girl. “Rowan Louise Howell.” 

“Hi baby Rowan.” She says softly with a little wave. “I’m your auntie Carla and I love you very much.” 

“Thank you, Carla.” Dan’s eyes fill with tears. “For everything.” He means it sincerely. There’s no way he could have survived if she hadn’t opened her home and her life to him. She truly is his best friend. 

“Of course, Dan.” Carla smiles. “I would never let you stay out on the streets.” 

“It’s more than that.” He says. “You took me in and changed my whole life around. You were the one that got me into therapy and you never let me drown in the existential void on my own. I’m so grateful for you.” Carla wipes her eyes. “Stop it, if you cry I’m going to cry and it will wake up the baby.” 

“So I was thinking.” Carla says. 

“That’s new.” Dan quips and she gives him a dirty look. 

“Well the flat is going to be kind of cramped with the baby, and quite frankly, you deserve better than to sleep on the couch with a newborn, so I was thinking we could find a three bedroom place.” 

“You sure you want to keep living with me?” Dan raises an eyebrow. “It’s going to be a bit chaotic.” 

“I love chaos.” She says. “And like I’ve told you over and over again, you aren’t doing this alone.” 

Dan blames the postpartum hormones for the tears that are streaming down his face. “Thank you.” He says quietly. “I think a three bedroom flat would be perfect.”

It’s not the life Dan thought he was going to have. In a perfect world, Phil would still be there and they’d raise Rowan together. But the life he has now, it’s not bad. He has his baby, a best friend, and he’s actively working on his trauma so he can be the best version of himself. And that’s not nothing. 

Eventually Carla leaves, and after Dan has fed and changed Rowan, he places her in her bassinet and lies back, eyes closed. 

 Sleep comes to him quickly for the first time since before he was pregnant. 

5 years later

Dan is in the middle of making breakfast when it happens. 

Rowan is in her bedroom, playing some game with plastic dinosaurs and monster trucks. Dan, on the other hand, is trying not to overcook the eggs or burn the toast. He has the tv on, finding that having something going in the background helps him focus on cooking. It’s weird.

The last 5 years with Rowan have been the happiest years of his life. She is a giant raging ball of sunshine and she is the center of Dan’s universe. He can’t imagine his life without her. 

Sometimes he still thinks about Phil, about how much he would have loved their daughter with his entire heart. Because when Phil loved, no matter what type of love, it’s with everything he had. Dan considers himself beyond lucky to have been one of those people. And sometimes it still stings, though it's not the heavy grief he once felt. 

He’s even dated a few guys, though they never lasted long. Certainly not long enough to bring around his daughter. 

Carla has been a lifesaver. Though he and Rowan moved out two years prior, she is still a nearly daily fixture in their lives and Dan couldn’t be more grateful. When Dan went to university she took care of Rowan when he was in class and was overwhelmed with everything. And she encouraged him when he decided to change his course of study. The help was greatly appreciated. 

“Breaking news.” Dan focuses on the eggs. Mostly. He keeps one ear out for whatever it is that’s so important. “The snap is over. Approximately 3.8 billion people have been returned.” 

Dan drops his spatula.

“Fuck.” He curses. 

“Daddy, that’s a bad word.” Dan turns to face his daughter and his jaw almost drops in shock. 

“Rowan Louise, what is all over your face?” 

“Makeup!” She giggles. Dan sighs.

“Really? Because that looks a lot like marker on your face.” He’s trying his best not to freak out on her. Because this huge news just got dropped on him and now he has to make sure Rowan gets that stuff off of her face and finish making breakfast and it’s just too much for him right now. 

Rowan just smiles. 

“Go wash that off right now.” Dan says, rubbing at his temples. 

“But Daddy-” 

“Now.” Dan says firmly. He just hopes the markers will come off easily. Rowan runs off to the bathroom and Dan just sighs. 

Okay. He can handle this. He turns the stove off before the eggs can burn. Rowan can just have cereal this morning once she’s got her little ‘makeup’ experiment off. 

So Phil is back. Phil is back and Dan is not sure what to do. He deserves to know about their daughter, that much Dan is sure of. It’s the rest of it that has Dan’s stomach in knots. Will Phil even want to be with him still, once he’s seen what Dan’s life is like? Does he even still want to be with Phil after everything that’s happened in the last five years?

(The answer is yes. Always yes.)

He calls and sets up an emergency appointment with his therapist. He knows he’s going to need a lot of time and effort to process everything. 

“Daddy!” Rowan calls out “I need help!” 

It’s better not to think about it right now. 

Dan walks out of his therapy appointment feeling lighter and with a plan. He’s going to tweet at Phil so they can regain contact. Dan will tell him about Rowan. The rest can come naturally. 

He sighs and pulls out his phone, opening  the dreaded bird app. 

@AmazingPhil: dm me please. 

About forty five seconds later he receives a dm from phil. 

AmazingPhil: hello <3 

DanielHowell: hi. I’ve got something we need to talk about but I’ve got to go home from this appointment first: 

AmazingPhil: oh ok

Dan puts his phone in his pocket, heart racing and palms sweating. He needs to get home and he needs to get there fast so Phil doesn’t think it’s anything bad. 

The uber ride home is long, giving Dan plenty of time to think. He’s got this. Phil is so kind that Dan can’t really imagine him abandoning their daughter. But it’s still scary. He pulls his phone out and shoots off a text to Carla. 

Dan: Do you mind taking Ro for the night? I need to talk to Phill and I don’t want her there for it.

Carla: Of course. Good luck, though I doubt you’ll need it. Phil’s good people. 

Dan: Thank you so much. 

When Dan arrives at his flat, he kicks off his shoes and immediately heads for his laptop. It’s go time. He opens up Skype and presses call. 

Phil accepts his request almost immediately. 

He looks even better than Dan remembers. He has a youthful glow on his face, something Dan lost when he was about 20. Or maybe he lost it when Phil got snapped and Dan got pregnant. Either way, Phil is still the most beautiful person Dan’s ever seen. He feels like he’s falling in love all over again. 

“Hi.” He says, not sure where to begin. 

“Hi.” Phil says back, sounding somewhat shy. Dan smiles at him reassuringly and Phil relaxes. 

“So I have something I need to tell you.” Dan bites his lip nervously. “And it’s pretty life altering so I don’t blame you if you want to leave-” 

“Daniel.” Phil interrupts. “Dan, I fell in love with you when I first met you and I promise there is nothing you could say that would change the way I feel.

Dan feels the sharp sting of tears. “Phil, I- we have a daughter. She’s five years old and she’s called Rowan.” Phil’s eyes go wide and Dan swears that, just for a second, his heart stops. 

“A daughter.” Phil whispered. “You were pregnant?” 

“Yes.” 

“Wow.” Phil runs his fingers through his hair. “That’s… Dan, I am so sorry.” 

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Dan rushes to reassure Phil. “It was all me, I should have known that you can still get pregnant on testosterone. It’s totally okay if you don’t-” 

"Dan.” Phil interrupts once again. “Dan you do know that it takes two to make a baby, don’t you?”

“Well yes, but…” 

“This is such a good thing Dan.” Phil says gently. “I can see it in your eyes just how much you love her. Don’t ever feel sorry for that.” He pauses. “I only wish I could have been there so you didn’t have to go through it alone.” 

“I didn’t.” Dan says. “Carla took me in and basically saved my life.” 

“I’m glad.” Phil says gently and, god, Dan’s missed this so much. He wants to cry just looking at Phil. He doesn’t but it was a close thing. “Dan, I love you so much, and I’m here now and I swear I will never leave your side again.” 

This time Dan lets the tears fall. 

“I missed you so much.” He whispers. “Fuck, Phil, I thought you were never coming back.” 

“No matter what happens, I will always come back. You aren’t getting rid of me that easily.” 

Dan cracks a smile. “Good.” He says. “Because I am never letting you go again.” 

Phil smiles. “So about Rowan…” 

“Yes?” 

“Can I meet her soon?” 

“Of course.” Dan says firmly. “You’re her father too.” 

“Okay, I just wasn’t sure…” 

“No matter what happens, I will never keep you from her.” Dan asserts. “We just need to figure out a good time and place.”

“Okay.” Phil’s eyes are watery and Dan wants nothing more than to reach through the screen and give him the biggest hug. 

“I can’t wait.” 

Dan smiles. It’s a good start.