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Phil’s nervous. His palms are sweating, he’s shaking, and all the nerves in his body are on fire. Today is the day he’s going to meet his daughter for the very first time.
It’s been only two weeks since Phil got thrown into a world that was five years older, to a Dan so different and yet the same as he was the day Phil turned into a pile of dust over Skype. Ever since then there’s been a knot in his chest, a kind of sadness Phil has never felt before. He feels so sad for Dan, who had to watch all this happen with no way to stop it. For Dan, who lost his family. But he also feels happy. He gets to be part of Dan’s new family, with the daughter and the best friend who took him in when he was at his lowest.
He gets a chance to be a father.
He knocks on Dan’s door, still shaking. Dan opens the door with a wide smile on his face.
“You know, you really don’t have to knock.” He says. “Carla sure doesn’t.”
“Oh okay.” Phil says and walks in the door. Dan’s flat isn’t huge, but it’s big enough for himself and Rowan. Toys are strewn all over the floor, a couple dishes stacked in the sink. But, Phil thinks, it’s perfect. It’s perfect because it’s the place Dan lives.
“Sorry about the mess.” Dan says apologetically.
“No, no, don’t worry about it.” Phil assures him. Dan beams at him and Phil is filled with the sudden urge to kiss him. He doesn’t. Phil is still unsure of what is okay in this new era.
“Rowan, sweetie.” Dan calls out. “Can you come out here please?”
Phil hears the pitter patter of little feet and then suddenly she’s there. Phil’s breath catches.
She’s beautiful. Rowan has shoulder length curly hair and big brown eyes. She looks so much like Dan and he feels a warm glow radiating through his chest. This is his daughter. He has a daughter with the best person he’s ever met.
“Daddy, who’s this?” Rowan asks innocently.
“Well, “ Dan begins. “This is your papa, Phil. You have two dads now.”
Rowan gasps in excitement. “I really get two dads?”
“Yes.” Dan nods. “Can you say hello?” Phil kneels on the ground, meeting her eyes.
“Hello, Rowan.”
“Hi.” She giggles and throws her arms around his neck. Phil smiles and holds her close and it feels like his entire world has just shifted on its axis.
“I’m so glad I got to meet you.” He says.
“Do you want to come look at my dinosaurs?”
“I’d love to.”
Rowan takes his hand and leads him to her room. If the living room is messy, then Phil is unsure what to call this. There are toys everywhere, clothes all over the floor. Her bed is unmade.
“Rowan Louise Howell, I told you this morning to tidy your room.” Dan says firmly but not unkindly.
“But Dad…”
“No buts.” Dan raises his eyebrow. “You need to pick up your room. Clothes in the laundry basket, toys in the toybox, the whole she-bang.”
“Okay.” Rowan pouts.
Dan turns to Phil. “Would you like to come sit with me? Rowan has a thing about people watching her clean.”
“I’d like that.” Phil says, smiling.
They sit on the couch in silence. Phil desperately wants to kiss him, to hold his hand and never let him go. But while it’s only been two weeks for Phil, it’s been five years for Dan and Phil is unsure how to navigate this new dynamic.
As if he was reading Phil’s mind, Dan reaches over and takes Phil’s hand in his.
“You’re shaking.” Dan says.
“I’m just nervous.” Phil admits.
“I can tell.” Dan smiles, giving Phil’s hand a tight squeeze. “You’ve got this. She loves you already.” Phil exhales.
“Do you, though?” Phil blurts out.
“Don’t be stupid. You know I do, I just- with Rowan, I don’t want to rush into anything. I mean, you and I weren’t together all that long before you were snapped.”
“I just thought maybe you wanted nothing to do with me. Since I was gone for so long.”
“I’m not going to lie to you, I did date a little bit.” Dan says and then gives Phil a stern look. “But trust me on this. If I wanted nothing to do with you, you would not be here meeting our daughter.”
“Okay.” Phil sighs in relief. “I feel better.”
“Okay, I’m done!” Rowan runs out into the living area. “Can you please come play with me, daddy? Papa?”
“I’d love to.” Phil smiles, and looks over at Dan.
“You two enjoy yourselves.” Dan says.”I’m going to start dinner. Phil, are you staying?”
“If you’ll have me, yeah.”
“You’re always welcome here, Phil.”
Phil smiles at Dan and then at Rowan.
“Come play, papa!” Rowan insists and Phil follows her to her now clean bedroom. They play some sort of dinosaurs v. stuffies game that has a rather complex story line Phil is struggling to follow along with but he doesn’t mind. He’s only just met her today but Phil knows he would move heaven and earth for this little girl.
They must have been playing for a good half hour when Dan finally calls them for dinner. They sit down at the table. Dan’s prepared a meal of honey mustard chicken, broccoli, and mashed potatoes. It looks delicious. Phil can’t even make a tesco brand pizza without burning it so he’s very impressed with Dan’s improved cooking skills.
“So, Rowan.” Dan says. “Did you have fun playing with papa?”
“Lots!” Rowan says through a mouthful of potatoes. Dan gives her a disapproving look and she giggles.
Phil smiles over at Dan, his heart racing. Dan smiles back, a twinkle in his eye that hadn’t been there when they spoke earlier. And Phil is so in love his chest physically hurts.
“I still maintain the stuffies won that war fair and square.” Phil winks at his daughter and relishes in the wide smile she gives him in return.
“Nuh uh!” She pokes her tongue out at him.
“Yeah huh.” Phil sticks his tongue out in return.
“Okay, let’s maybe not stick our tongues out at the dinner table.” Dan says teasingly. “Rowan, eat your broccoli.”
“But Daddy!”
“Don’t ‘but daddy’ me.”
“Ugh.” Rowan pouts, but does as she’s told.
They spend the rest of dinner talking about stories when Rowan was young and Phil finds himself enraptured. But there’s still the sadness inside Phil. He missed out on the first years of her life, though through no fault of his own, and he can never get that time back. The best he can do is be there for her now.
After dinner, Phil looks at the time. It’s getting late and he doesn’t want to disrupt Rowan’s routine.
“I guess I’d better go.” Phil says.
“No!” Rowan screams. “No, don’t go.”
“It’s okay, sweetheart.” Dan says soothingly. “He’ll be back again.”
“Noooo.” She whines, her little eyes filling with tears. “Daddy, make him stay! I just got him!” Phil kneels down to her eye level.
“It’s gonna be okay.” He says “I’ll come back, I promise. There’s nothing on this earth that could keep me away from you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely sure.” He gives her a smile and she gives him a small, teary smile in return. He presses a kiss to the top of her head.
“Okay, little one.” Dan says. “Go pick out some toys for your bath. I’ll be there in a minute.”
Rowan reluctantly walks off to her room, still sniffling.
Dan turns to Phil. “I hope we haven’t scared you off.” He teases.
“Never.” Phil says seriously. “You’ll have to pry me away from you with a crowbar.” Dan laughs and walks Phil to the door.
“Thank you for having me.” Phil says.
“You’re always welcome here.” Dan replies. “You’re family now.”
“Can I- Is it okay for me to kiss you?”
Dan leans in and presses a soft kiss to Phil’s lips. Phil feels a warmth spreading from his head to his toes and he’s not sure how he went two weeks without seeing him, without holding him in his arms and making him laugh.
“Goodnight, Phil.” Dan says softly.
“Goodnight, Dan.” Phil replies. Dan shuts the door and Phil can’t stop smiling.
Today was a success.