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Evan hadn’t expected adapting to the wasteland to be easy. But he also didn’t expect it to be this hard either. He hadn’t slept most nights. Between the radiation sickness that left him feverish and delirious, to the raider attacks that had him nearly collapsing from exhaustion, it was nearly impossible for him to get a good night’s rest. Then there was Preston. Preston Garvey had insisted on inserting himself into every situation Evan had without even giving Evan a chance to tell him to go away. Evan would never complain out loud. Of course. Preston was the heart and soul of Sanctuary Hills, and that made him an extremely important figure amongst the people here. So it wouldn’t do Evan any good to get on their bad side. And despite all that. Evan was suffering. On good days, his head spun so bad he couldn’t stand. On the worst days, he was too weak to get out of bed. He was assured by multiple people that he was just getting used to the radiation in the air. Which was wild to Evan, since back in the day, radiation wasn’t something scientists ever encouraged people to “get used to”. But honestly, the radiation sickness wasn’t the worst part. It was the thoughts. Some days, he’d catch himself staring up at the hill, where he knew the vault was, and he’d fantasise about walking into that place, and going to sleep for the rest of his life.
As the sun drew further down the horizon, Evan realised that he hadn’t left his bed all day. His head was throbbing, his chest tight and his limbs felt like lead, not to mention he hadn’t kept down anything for the last week. The bed was barely comfortable, and Evan missed his old bed, the one that was destroyed many years ago. Preston was knelt beside him, a cloth pressed in his hand, which he’d been using to help ease Evan’s fever, and the throbbing behind his skull. Again, Preston had inserted himself into the situation without giving Evan a chance to protest. Which was both sweet, and very, very infuriating.
“Your fever’s not getting any better, man.”
Evan scoffed and rolled his eyes. “You’ve literally had my tongue down your throat, and the best pet-name you can come up with is Man?” Evan tried to sit up, but everything in his body told him not to.
Preston pressed a firm hand to Evan’s shoulder. “You need to lie down. You aren’t going to get better if you keep jumping out of bed. This kind of healing takes time.”
Again, Evan rolled his eyes. “To my knowledge, no one else has been as sick from the radiation as I have been.”
Preston sighed and dabbed the cloth against Evan’s forehead. The water dripped down Evan’s face, it was refreshing, and nice, it managed to dull the aching that pulsed behind his eyes and forced the ringing in his ears to take a break. “Your from a time that didn’t have so much stuff in the air, I’m pretty sure you didn’t have to deal with the kind of rads we do now. Nora went through it too. I know she did, even if she won’t admit it.” Preston leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Evan’s nose. His eyes locked with Evan’s, but it only lasted a moment. Things had been weirdly tense between them. They had a few nice moments together, but between a lack of privacy, and everything going on in Evan’s head, there hadn’t been much time for… feelings. Evan felt awful for it, adding to the list of things to feel awful about, he liked Preston, he really did, but Preston was a busy man, he liked to help people. And Evan felt like that was all he was, someone Preston could help. He was scared. The moment Evan got his shit sorted, Preston would find the next person that needed him, and discard Evan like last year’s Christmas gift. Which Evan still hadn’t figured out if Preston celebrated, they didn’t really have dates. It could have been Christmas for all Evan knew, and he had just been here, in bed, nearly dying. “How are you feeling?” Preston’s voice went soft, careful, like he was talking so someone on the brink of sanity. And to be fair. He was.
Evan laid on his back, staring up at the ceiling. His blond curls framed his face in a way that made him look angelic, which would have been cute, but Evan also felt like he was dying. “My mouth tastes like vomit, my head hurts, my stomach hurts, I feel tired, and I’m really hungry, but I can’t keep anything down.” He breathed.
Preston looked frustrated. “You know that’s not what I meant.” He lightly and playfully smacked Evan with his damp cloth. But then, quickly went back to being gentle, as he pressed his hand into Evan’s palm. “How has this all been for you, the change, the… the…” He paused, no one really knew what to call Evan’s situation. Displacement? That never seemed right, because Evan was in his home, where he was supposed to be, he was just in the wrong time. But Preston stuck with that word, because it was the only word that seemed right. “Displacement.”
Evan wanted to pretend he didn’t hear Preston. It was easier to ignore it than confront it after all. But he also needed to tell someone. “I hate it here.” Evan’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry, but it’s all I can say. I hate it. I want to go back. I want to go home.”
Despite what Evan thought was going to happen, Preston didn’t try and stop him. Didn’t try to tell him that he was already home, didn’t try to tell him that things would get better, he just squeezed Evan’s hand and stroked his hair out of his face. “I’m sorry.” He murmured. “Is there anything I can do?”
Evan didn’t answer, not right away anyway. He rolled on his side, tugging his hand out of Preston’s grip, his back was to Preston, and he kept on crying. “No.” He muttered, hoarse and fragile. “Just… Just leave me alone for a while.”
Preston didn’t argue. He knew better. He stood, looked over Evan for a while, and left the room they were in.
~~~
“He’s not talking to me about it.” Preston sat at the bar with Nora, a beer bottle that had long since gone hot in his hand. “Every time I try to ask how he’s doing, he either dodges the question, or breaks down. I want to help him, but he’s making it impossible.” Preston looked at the Sole Survivor, her dark eyes and pale skin looked almost ghostly in the fluorescent light.
Nora didn’t judge, not usually, so that judgemental look she gave Preston was quite scary. “Have you ever taken into consideration that he is giving you an answer. He said he hates it here. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe he is telling you what you need to know. You just don’t like his answer.” She took a swig out of her own beer, downing her fourth bottle of the night like it was nothing.
“Cait’s not a good influence on you.” Preston folded his arms against his chest.
Nora rolled her eyes. But she kept talking. “Evan had a life before all of this. He probably had a family, a job, friends. Things that people don’t really value in this world were things he probably loved. This world is different. I know how it feels. It’s scary. I’m still scared sometimes.” Her breath came out shaky.
Preston looked the woman up and down. “But you came to accept the changes in the world. How?”
Nora looked at him for a second, a flicker of disgust flashed across her face. Before it became softer, more understanding. “I had something to focus on. In my quest to find my son… I was so focused on him that I completely missed how much the world had changed, and before I knew it I had come to accept the world for what it was.”
Preston swallowed. “What else does he have to focus on? Other than… the world.”
Nora shrugged, her confidence wavered. “That’s the problem. You can’t force something like that onto him. He’s scared, Preston, and he has every right to be. Compared to the world he’s from, this world is awful.” She fidgeted with her beer bottle, “And honestly, his choice in company leaves much to be desired.”
Preston felt that burn so hot, he nearly needed an ice pack. “What do you mean?”
Nora shrugged. But spoke anyway. “You and I have done this dance before, Preston, and I have realised, through absolutely no fault of your own, you aren’t the most… affectionate person.” She had gotten another beer. “You tend to keep people, even those you care about, at arm’s length, you treat them as projects, as something to fix, to help. In a friend, those qualities are great, but as a lover, a partner…” She trailed off, “I don’t think it’s what he needs. He needs someone who can treat him like a partner, an equal, not an object that’s broken.”
Preston felt his face flush. In a world where everything was broken or breaking, there needed to be someone who could hold it all together. Preston had dedicated his life to fixing problems. To helping those around him, because it’s what the Minutemen did. It was what he wanted to do. To make the world a little better every day. He thought that was what Evan needed. Someone to fix his problems, someone to hold him together. But maybe what he really needed was someone to collect the pieces and keep them safe when they shattered. Not someone who would put him together, not someone who would keep him from breaking, someone who would let him break and let him piece himself together when he was ready. Preston hadn’t really thought about it that way. He had always thought that everything needed to be okay. It needed to be right. Fixed. He pushed his chair back, his head filled with a new perspective of what he could do.
Then he heard screaming.
Everyone stood, some readied weapons, some looked like they were going to run, but Preston recognised that scream. Even if he’d never heard it before, he knew.
“Evan.” His voice came out as a strangled breath as he sprinted from his seat. They weren’t far from where he’d left Evan, he hadn’t meant to leave for too long, but time seemed to get away from him. When he got to the house Evan had been staying in, the house Evan had claimed to be his before the bombs went off. Evan was being held back by Cait, originally and Irish cage fighter, and another settler that Preston had honestly forgotten the name of.
Evan was thrashing, his eyes wild and crazy. His face was covered in salt, sweat and tears. His chest was moving fast, frenzied and panicked. “Let me go!” He cried out. “Let me go!”
Nora ran up behind Preston, but Preston pushed her back. “Let him go Cait.”
“If I let ‘im go, he’ll tear this place apart.” She struggled against him.
Nora drew in a sharp breath. “Let him go, Cait.” She repeated.
Cait looked like she was going to protest, but she did as she was told.
The moment Evan was let go, he looked around, dazed and confused. He wasn’t here right now. Wasn’t present in the moment. He fell to his hands and knees. His body shuddered, his chest heaved with every breath.
“I want to go home.” He repeated, his voices frantic and breathy, “I want to go home, I want to go home.”
Preston took a careful step forward. He knelt down in front of Evan, there were quite a few people watching. Preston gave Nora a pleading look, a look that seemed to tell her everything she needed to know. She clapped her hands, which made Evan flinch, “Alright everyone. Shows over, let’s leave him alone now.” Everyone listened, some better than others, and they moved out.
Evan was still muttering to himself, crying to go home.
When they were finally alone, Preston placed a hand on Evan’s shoulder and carefully lifted him to face him. Evan’s eyes were hollow, gone. Void of all emotion. Preston wrapped his arms under Evan’s and pulled him into a hug. Evan didn’t move, didn’t react, just stayed there.
“Please,” Preston pleaded. “Just tell me what you need. I’ll do anything to make this easier for you.” He pressed his nose into the crook of Evan’s neck.
Evan’s voice was uneven, shaky from crying. “I need to go home.”
Preston felt his heart break. Evan was home, this was his home. But it wasn’t not anymore. Not in the way Evan wanted it to be. “I’m sorry.” He squeezed Evan tighter. “I can’t take you home.”
Evan’s face pressed against Preston’s shoulder. Preston felt the tears burn hot against his own skin. “Then kill me.”
Preston felt everything leave his body. His soul, his heart, everything. “Hey, don’t say that. We can figure this out. I will be right there. If you need me to hold you so you don’t break, I can, if you need me to pick up the pieces and put you back together, I can, just tell me what you need.”
Evan didn’t answer. Preston felt Evan’s body tense, felt his breathing grow more erratic. Then he felt Evan’s shoulder move. Preston felt down to Evan’s hand. His stomach dropped.
“Evan. No.”
Evan pulled back from him. His eyes hollow and lifeless. In his hand was a pipe pistol, crudely fashioned, sure, it wasn’t the most effective weapon, but it didn’t need to be effective for Evan to make his point. Luckily, Preston’s reflexes were quicker than Evan’s hollowed out state. He swiped the pistol from Evan’s hand and threw it back.
“Just breathe, breathe. It’s okay.” Preston pulled Evan back in for a hug. “I’m not leaving you alone tonight. Okay. I’ll stay right beside you.”
Evan didn’t answer.
~~~
The night grew dark. Quiet in the way that felt mocking. A fake peace that made Evan’s blood boil. Then the sun started rising, the soft glow of the first rays of sun should have been beautiful, but to Evan, they were the most offensive sight he’d ever seen.
Just as he’d said, Preston didn’t leave Evan alone. Evan should have been thankful, but it wasn’t Preston’s choice. Evan had everything taken from him. Everything he knew was gone. Everything he had ever worked for was stripped away. Some optimists would call this ‘a fresh start’, but Evan called it torture. It wasn’t fair. Evan didn’t want to live in a world like this. Didn’t want to be forced to constantly fight for his life, to live in a world where every day might be his last. He liked his life before. Liked the world he lived in. It wasn’t Preston’s choice whether Evan lived or died. But Preston had made it pretty clear when he’d locked away any weapon that Evan had access to and refused to leave the house even when Evan pretended, pretty convincingly to be asleep. Now, Evan lie awake, Preston had squeezed into the bed beside Evan, Evan was pressed right against the wall, and it felt too cramped. Maybe it was his way of stopping Evan from sneaking out. But judging by the way Evan simply crawled out of bed, it wasn’t very effective. Most people were still asleep, and the few guards that were awake, said nothing of Preston walking straight out of the gates.
Preston wasn’t sure why he was going back, but there was something that just told him to. Something that made it all feel so compelling. Something that made him feel like he needed to go back there. Preston had thought he’d taken all of Evan’s weapons, but he missed the pocketknife Evan kept. Obviously, Evan had told Preston that it wasn’t a pocketknife, it was a “multi-tool” which had kept Preston relatively calm, he hadn’t checked, he probably didn’t want to give Evan the idea he didn’t trust him. Evan smiled a little, not at Preston’s foolishness, but that Preston was trying. And Evan had betrayed that trust. It wasn’t fair, but he’d learned that things rarely are nowadays. He reached the top of the hill, where the vault was. Evan felt everything in his body go numb, figuratively. Suddenly he just felt like he was a stranger, filling in someone else’s roll in life. His eyes hurt from crying. Evan had nearly never cried. But now, he was crying nearly every day.
God. How he’d fallen.
He opened the vault door, he actually didn’t expect it to work, but it did. The elevator took him down, and he managed to find his way through the vault. Until he found what he was looking for. The room this all started in. The cryo pods. This was where he’d woken. There was a chill in the air. Evan wasn’t sure if it was fever or if the room was just cold. Evan walked the length of the pods, most of them were empty, some had skeletons in, but Evan found what he was looking for. The one pod that was open. The moment he saw it, his knees buckled. Evan wasn’t sure what he was expecting, coming down here. He gripped the sides of the metal outside. Thoughts rushed through his head.
“Stop.” He cried to himself. “Don’t do this to me.” Tears fell down the cheeks. The thoughts wouldn’t stop. The life he could have had, the world he could be living in. The time that was taken from him. It all kept flashing before his eyes. Memories of friendships he’d made, of people he wanted to talk to again. Of projects he never got the chance to finish. He needed to make them stop. He couldn’t do this. Not anymore.
His breath came out hard and fast. His knuckles gripped the edges of the pod, and he bought his head down against the steel sides, once, then twice, then a third time. “Stop!” He screamed again, trying to will the thoughts out of his mind. But it wasn’t working. He smashed his head against it so many times his vision was starting to blur. “I don’t want to be here!” He screamed into the nothingness as something thick began dripping down his face. “I just want to go home.”
~~~
Preston woke to a cold bed. That wasn’t how he wanted his morning to go. He’d pinned Evan against the wall, so he’d feel if Evan tried to sneak out. Maybe he wasn’t as light a sleeper as he’d originally thought. Preston threw himself out of bed, he looked everywhere, but Evan wasn’t anywhere.
Nora was under the pavilion, a structure she’d build on the foundation next to their workbenches, that was where they served food and did most of their trading. Everyone was lined up ready for breakfast, and Nora, still half asleep, was ushering people into line and trying to keep everyone from being at each other’s throats. When she saw Preston’s expression however, that seemed to be the last thing on her mind. She stepped away and dragged Preston with her.
“What’s wrong?” She hissed in an angry whisper. “It’s too early for you to be freaking out.”
“Evan’s gone.” He croaked.
Nora’s eyes widened. “What do you mean gone?” Her grip tightened around Preston’s arm.
“He wasn’t in bed when I woke up, and I’ve checked everywhere.”
Nora dropped Preston’s arms. “Supplies? Have you checked inventory? Did he take anything.”
“Nothing’s been taken.” Preston’s voice was heavy.
Nora looked away from Preston. “Shit.” She hissed, her tone breathy and hard. “That means he’s out there somewhere, unarmed, sick and with no supplies.” She looked at Preston, her eyes blazing with something that made him feel a little nervous. “Did he mention anything to you last night. Anything about where he might go.”
Preston shook his head. “He was pretty out of it last night. I thought we could take about it in the morning. Obviously not.”
Nora scrubbed a hand down her face. She was more worked up over this then Preston thought she’d be. “There’s only one other place I think he might go. And honestly I’m not even sure he’s there, but it’s our best bet.” She sighed.
“Where?” Preston stiffened.
“The vault.”
~~~
Evan’s vision was blurring, blood stained his fingertips, his head hurt again. For reasons unrelated to his radiation sickness. He gripped the edges of the pod, tears stung his eyes. He was awake because of sheer anger. Nothing else. He tried to stand, but his legs felt like jelly. He screamed again. He cried and smashed his head against the steel, he didn’t know why he was doing this. What he was going to get out of this. Honestly, he didn’t want to be here. He hoped that maybe the pain would be enough to convince himself that none of this was worth it anymore.
“Evan!” A voice, frantic and worried called his name. “Evan.”
Evan didn’t bother looking, didn’t bother forcing himself to see Preston’s face. He’d be disappointed, tell him off for doing this. Evan slammed his head one more time. He could feel his blood dripping down his face, his breath was heavy, and he could only take in air through hiccupping breaths that barely did anything.
Preston knelt beside Evan, his hands firm as they pulled Evan back. Evan’s tears fell harder, faster. He tried to pull away, but there was part of his body that had lost all the will to fight. Part of his body that didn’t want to fight. Evan didn’t want to give in to it all. He wanted to keep fighting.
“Hey, it’s okay.” Preston’s voice was soft against Evan’s ears. “Are you okay?” Preston’s thumb brushed against the wound on Evan’s forehead.
Evan screamed again. “Please. Stop. Stop it.” He pleaded. “I just want to go home.” He let out. “I want to go home.” The tears mingled with the blood that had run down his cheek, and Evan felt his entire body lose everything it had. He was tired. He was sick. He didn’t want to be here.
Preston let out a soft, apologetic sigh. “You can’t go home. Not to the home you had. But we can make a home. Please. Just tell me what you need. I want you to feel like you are home.”
Evan shifted in Preston’s arms. He pressed his face into Preston’s chest and did what he’s wanted to do since he’d stepped foot in this wasteland. Cried. Not in the way he’d already had. In the way he wished he’d done earlier. Crying for the friends he missed. The family he’d lost. The dreams that were crushed. He cried for them all. Deep, harrowing sobs left his body, shaking him, tearing out of him. Preston didn’t say anything, he just held Evan for what felt like hours.
“I don’t want to do this anymore.” Evan cried out. “I can’t. I want it back. I want to go back.” He gripped the fabric of Preston’s coat, “Please just let me go back. Don’t make me stay here. I’m not like Nora. I’m not strong. I’m not persistent. I give up when things get too hard. I cry when I don’t get my way. I don’t belong in a world like this. So please. Please, Preston. Don’t make me stay.”
Preston pulled Evan back from him so he could look him in the eyes. “I can’t do that.”
Evan’s face twisted. “I’m not someone else you have to save, Preston. I know what I want.”
Things were starting to get heated. Not in the good way. “Really?” Preston spat, “What about what everyone else wants? What about what I want?” He felt his mouth dry up when he said that. Oh god. “I don’t know what I would do if I let it end here. You can have a life here Evan. You can find something to fight for. Just let me be there.” He pressed his nose into the back of Evan’s neck so the two of them looked like a ball. “I don’t want to save you, I’m not trying to be a hero, I’m doing this because I genuinely care about you.”
Evan let out a bitter laugh. “You don’t know that.” His voice was starting to slur. “You’ve known me less than six weeks, and you’ve had to deal with my bullshit.”
Preston didn’t say anything to that. He just held Evan. Rubbed his back and shushed him when he started sobbing again. “Let’s get out of here, we’ll get your head looked at, then we can talk some more. Just… Don’t give up on me yet.”
Evan leaned into Preston even more. His breathing was still erratic. His chest still rose and fell with too little precision, but he managed to make himself nod. “Just… don’t let go.”
Preston didn’t. He lifted Evan from the ground, and managed to get him on Preston’s back. Preston was glad for the elevator. He might’ve just left Evan down there if he had to climb stairs, or a ladder. Nora and Cait were waiting outside for Preston. Their hands were intertwined.
“How is he?” Nora stepped forward, dragging Cait beside her.
“I’m okay.” Evan mumbled. His words flat. “Can we go?” He pressed his face harder into Preston’s coat.
“Yeah. Let’s get you back.” Preston gently brushed his hand against Evan’s.
Evan looked up, his eyes were struggling to adjust to the light. Everything was so heavy. He still didn’t want to do this. But maybe, maybe this was worth a try.