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“ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOUUUUUUUUU!” Tim jolted awake to Dick’s screeching. “YOUUUU BABYYYY!”
“Shut the FUCK up, Dickwad.” He heard a bang.
Jason got him. Tim rolled back over.
It had begun.
~
“I’m dreaming,” Dick sang to himself in the cave, “Of a whiiiiiiite Christmas-” Tim banged his head on the keyboard of the computer. “Just like the ones I used to know.” Across the cave, Jason was polishing his guns menacingly.
Tim wished he could have a gun.
“Where the treetops glistennnnn and children listennnnnn-” Tim banged his head again and again and again and again-
Tim really wished he could have a gun.
~
“Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell ROCK.” Dick bopped his head to the imaginary music as he walked into the kitchen where Tim was nursing a cup of coffee. He pulled the fridge open. Tim groaned. “Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring.” He glanced over. “Oh! Hey, Timmy. Didn’t see you there.”
Tim glared at him.
“Wake up on the wrong side of the bed?” Tim didn’t dignify that with a response. Dick just laughed at him. “Try getting into the holiday spirit, that cheers me up!” He swung the fridge closed and walked back towards the door with his snack. Tim sighed.
Finally, peace.
“WHAT A BRIGHT TIME, IT’S THE RIGHT TIME-”
For fuck’s sake.
~
Tim clicked his comm on to check in with the others on patrol.
“O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL-” Absolutely not.
He clicked it back off.
~
Jason, Dick, and Tim had just finished fighting Mr. Freeze.
“God,” Jason said, groaning, “Why can’t Freeze come out more in the summer? This shit sucks in the winter.” Tim nodded from where he was chipping ice off of his bō staff.
“Felt-” He was cut off by Dick, who was working on tying Freeze up.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.” He sang. “When we finally said goodnight-”
“Please.” Mr. Freeze begged. “Just take me to Arkham.”
Tim related.
~
“I want a hippopotamus for Christmassss.” Dick skipped past the library where Tim and Jason had been hiding out. “Only a hippopotamus will doooooo.” The sound of his voice faded down the hall.
Tim turned to Jason, a manic look in his eyes. Jason slowly lowered his book.
“It’s time to make it stop.” Tim said, teeth clenched. “This has been going on too long.”
Jason gulped slightly.
~
“God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay.” Dick sang as he did pull ups in the cave. “Remember- Hi guys!” He waved as Tim was marching towards him, Jason following behind.
“No. More. Christmas songs.” Tim pressed a finger into Dick’s chest. “No decking of halls, no rocking trees, no letting it snow, nothing. I’m going crazy.” Tim looked unhinged. Dick grinned.
“Aw, someone’s grumpy! Want a candy cane?” He dropped from the pull op bar and shoved his hand in his pocket, pulling out a fistful of mini candy canes. Jason looked at him in disbelief.
“You’re working out. Why the fuck do you have those.”
“Snack!” Dick’s smile was blinding.
“You’ve fucking lost it.” Tim was still waving his finger around while Jason spoke.
“No white Christmases, absolutely no red-nosed reindeer-” Dick stuck a candy cane in his mouth.
“Nice chat baby bird, little wing.” He walked towards the shower, humming again.
Tim looked at Jason.
Time to bring out the big guns.
~
Speakers playing the same song over and over? Dick liked it.
Off-brand kid’s bop versions? Dick sang along.
Giving Steph a kazoo to go crazy with when he started singing? He thanked her for the accompaniment.
Bribing Damian to throw knives at him? He took the opportunity to do a little dance while he sang.
Finally, Tim couldn’t take it anymore.
“Please,” Tim begged, “What will it take for you to stop.” He threw himself on his knees in front of Dick. “I’ll do anything. I’ll write all your reports until New Years. I’ll willingly bond with Damian. I’ll watch those stupid soap operas you like with you. Anything.” Dick paused his singing and stared at him.
“Anything?”
“Anything.” A small grin crept onto Dick’s face.
“Come carolling with me and I’ll be quiet until Christmas Eve.” Tim’s face dropped.
“Carolling? Are you kidding me?” Dick shook his head.
“Nope! Only offer, take it or leave it.”
“Fine.”
Dick took a picture of them carolling. Tim looked miserable. Dick framed it and hung it over the fireplace.
Sometimes sacrifices had to be made.