Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Life at the Mathers’ Mansion was much, much livelier than usual, with all fifty-three maids, former victims trapped by the Sin Archbishop of Greed under the name of “wives”, working hard. Ryuzu’s clones significantly contributed to the warm atmosphere, too, so it was the kind that could pull anyone in and feel even a bit cheerful.

However, that wasn't the case for the knight beyond one of the bedroom doors. Freshly back from Vollachia, he felt relieved to finally be back home, but at the same time, he had acknowledged that he couldn't take it easy at all. Not when he abused his body and mind to such absurd degrees, and definitely not while racked with guilt over Priscilla's demise.

He had wanted to help and comfort Al, to make up for his sin towards him and his master in some way, even harming himself if that would satisfy him, but Otto and Emilia firmly stood their ground and insisted for him to come back home and take his well deserved rest, and he couldn't force it, as much as he would've liked to.

The instant the vollachian danger was gone, his entire being tensed in anxiety. Frankly speaking, Subaru was unable to relax, to the point he couldn't close his eyes.

He had expected nightmares. He had expected difficulties falling asleep. He didn't quite expect for him to barely be able to stay or fall asleep nights on end, and the nightmares being so intense he had actually started fearing going to bed. It wasn't only the guilt that was keeping him awake, but also the screeching bell rattling inside his skull that if he dared sleep, he'd be left vulnerable, and who knows what would happen then.

He wanted to be knocked out by something so he could finally get some proper shut-eye, but he had nothing. Of course, there was alcohol to consider, but that was the one thing he wouldn't touch. He didn't need liver problems on top of everything else, and he always considered that adults who drowned their sorrows in alcohol sucked anyway. He'd totally be a super-bother if he ever got drunk, too…

Either way, it definitely wasn't pleasant. Not because of chronic sleep deprivation or anything. He deserved all the pain coming to him… But because it was concerning the other members of the camp. He might've been an idiot, but not that big of an idiot to not realise that they were way more careful with him than usual, as if he were a porcelain vase that could easily shatter apart if not careful.

He didn't like it.

It was true it became harder to smile. That his reactions were sluggish, and that sometimes he felt completely disconnected from reality. 

It was true that his limbs felt like lead and not even the carefully and lovingly prepared dishes could've been properly tasted anymore.

That everyone shot him concerned looks when he wasn't able to finish his plates. Even with his beloved mayonnaise accompanying them. Whether it was because he just didn't feel that hungry anymore, or because his taste buds felt dulled, he didn't know. 

What he did know was that everyone looking at the camp’s knight like that made him feel like he was suffocating, making him squirm in his seat every time. 

He would often bend under the pressure of their worry and force himself to empty the plate. However, it wasn't that rare for him to throw it all up later. It's not that his stomach hurt, or that the food wasn't good, or that it didn't go in the right way, or anything like that. It just sometimes got too much, and the stomach decided to clean itself out in response. It was really bothersome. He hated himself for wasting food prepared with so much care.

It’s been a salvation that only Beatrice was aware of the scratches under his sleeves. He was sure that if anyone else knew, it would spread like wildfire out and would inadvertently suffocate him even more… Subaru really was too much trouble. Either that, or they would think they want nothing to do with a freak like him and… He'd rather not think about it.

He did try to busy his mind like he usually did in the past, sticking with Ram and helping her out with her work, or helping Rem get accustomed to her forgotten life as a Mathers’ maid. 

Sylphy and the others quickly became friends with him too as they were all kind and hardworking, but it didn't last long until they would insist on getting him to take some time off once they saw Subaru overwhelm himself in work and clearly not have the capability to complete it all; He was weighing them down instead.

Did they even need him, he would wonder. After all, it wasn't like back when he had just been hired as a butler, just him and the oni twins cleaning all day around the large mansion and him being a total clutz could be overlooked; There were now over fifty servants who could efficiently complete any work without too much of a burden placed on them. It was mostly visible on Ram, who could be at ease with minimum work done without having to put too much strain on her body.

Subaru, on the other hand, was tired, and to a degree even he couldn't deny. But resting wasn't an option— Or rather, his brain had long been hardwired to always be on guard, even if it was so whittled down it could barely operate properly…

Not only that; Idleness was poison for Subaru. One moment spent doing nothing was one moment of unneeded thoughts crushing his brain, one moment of wanting everything to end, one moment of weakness. One moment he could not allow.

At least there was Beatrice next to him at all times in case anything happened, though he felt bad for relying on her in this way. 

“Natsuki-san… Hasn't been in a good state for a while now.” A gray haired young man sat on the parlor’s sofa, holding onto his knees while sporting a serious expression.

“I agree with Otto-nii. My amazin’ self sometimes takes a walk at night, ‘n there hasn't been an occurrence where I didn't see cap’n strollin’ around like a cyclops without its eye. He must've been missin’ out on much more sleep than my amazin’ self, I think.”

“Stupid Garf. If you saw Barusu, shouldn't you have dragged him back to bed?” Ram retorted.

“I tried, y’know? But cap’n insisted that he's not tired and that if my amazin’ self lets him walk around a lil’ bit more, he'll fall sleep like a baby, or somethin’. Though that clearly ain't happenin’.”

“Subaru also always ate whatever was in front of his plate, but nowadays… He often just pats my head and says he’ll eat the rest later. He doesn't do that. I always check.” Petra added.

“If anything, I did see Subaru-sama later run to the nearest bathroom once after he had actually finished his meal, and I could hear him heave buckets. I wanted to ask him about it afterwards, see if he needed help or if anything was wrong with the food, but… He acted so chipper with me, like nothing had just happened. I took it as him not wanting to talk about it, so…”

“Are we sure he didn't get sick?”

“I’m sure Beatrice-sama would have raised alarms first, if that were the case.”

“Speaking of her, did she not say anything about what's going on with that person?”

“Beatrice is like Subaru’s family. She would never spill out anything if Subaru doesn't wish for it, unless it puts his life in danger…”

“So, we’re stuck asking him directly… But Natsuki-san is so stubborn when it comes to these things, it makes me want to knock some sense into him.”

“Otto, you know that wouldn't do anything. I’m also bothered with the ever growing distance he puts between us. I’m sure he… Just suffers a lot because of Priscilla. He never really speaks of anything he went through in Vollachia, either…”

“...Hk.”

“Rem. You’ve been with Barusu in that country, correct?”

“Yes…”

“Do you know what might've happened there for him to behave like this?”

“We’ve only been together for a little while… So I don't really, no. In that time, that person was continuously desperately overworking and stressing himself out over every little thing. I’m sure he was the same even after we split ways. That is all I can think of.”

“I see.”

“Instead of barging into things Subaru doesn't seem to like talking about, why don't we try cheering him up instead?” The young maid suggested, staring at everyone with her big eyes.

“Something like…?”

“Maybe something like a party? You know, I’m now a senior employee to over fifty new maids! So we have a reason to celebrate a welcome party!”

“Mm. You're a smart girl, Petra!” Emilia smiled. 

“Are we sure Young Su would appreciate it?” Ryuzu cocked her head, wanting to help the boy however she could.

“Hmph. Barusu is a softie who would automatically feel good if everyone else does. Ram does not think there's much cause for concern.”

“Hmm… What if we surprised him with something he likes from his homeland?”

“Mayonnaise?”

“No, no…! See, there was this one time where he told me about these flowers made out of fire that jumped and bloomed into the sky…”

“That honestly just sounds like Natsuki-san’s usual nonsense— Ow!”

“Shush!”

As Emilia tried her best to recall how Subaru had described fireworks, everyone listened intently, trying to figure out a way to replicate them.

After all, according to the half-elf, Subaru told her that these fire flowers brought happiness inside people's hearts.

Subaru did not know what to think of this day. He had woken up damp from all of the hot sweat covering his body, barely holding a scream in his throat from the appalling visages haunting his dreams. Nausea quickly overtook him the moment he sat up, and he had jolted straight to the bathroom; Nothing but gastric juices had come out, leaving his throat stinging and dry. 

He avoided the mirror as he went back to bed after drinking a little bit of water, proceeding to stare at the ceiling until sunrise, the little spirit cuddling next to him, asleep. As if counting the minutes passed, he quietly grasped his left arm with his right and dug his nails in, dulling the pain that never seemed to go away. Replacing it with one he could control.

Beatrice had gotten upset as always at the bloody sight in the morning. He really felt like dying for always distressing her like this. But he knew she wouldn't want that… Not like he could, either.

Breakfast wasn't anything out of the ordinary. French toast… He's the one who had introduced it to them, right? He could at least eat that much. He could. He could. They were staring at him, analyzing him, judging him. He could at least eat that much.

He couldn't. It all went down the drain before being able to reach his guts.

Somehow, as if by a miracle, the knight had managed to doze off on the bench of the garden’s gazebo. It was still pretty warm out, and he had only mindlessly strolled around the flower beds until he decided to sit for a bit. Then, that rare occurrence reared its head, and his eyelids slowly closed, his head tilting to the side as he fell asleep in a sitting position. Beatrice, who had been next to him like always, continued taking in the view as she gently positioned his head on her shoulder. 

She was relieved to see a now rare peaceful expression in his slumber, and his light breaths were now a precious sound to the spirit’s ears. However, the quiet was quickly disturbed by a rambunctious bunch.

“Are ya sure this kinda thing’s actually realistic? No matter how ya look at it, it's…” 

“I think it's actually reaaally simple if we do them with fire stones…”

“But would it turn out like how cap’n described ’em?

“We just have to time them, right? So they don't explode in our faces.”

“Shhhhh!!!” Beatrice almost hissed in annoyance, trying to be loud enough to get the trio’s attention, but not too loud to wake up her contractor.

“Huh?” Emilia, Garfiel and Ram snapped their attention to the Great Spirit and to the one resting on her shoulder.

“Can't you see he’s sleeping, I suppose?” The petite girl asked in a hushed voice, visibly irritated.

“Hah. Sleeping on a young girl’s shoulder of all things. Pathetic.” 

“Betty will not let that comment slide for multiple reasons, in fact.”

“Come on, Ram. You’ve been complaining that he keeps tiring himself out, right?” Emilia whispered in reply. 

“Well, Barusu only causes trouble when he wants to help. It's good when he's quiet like this.”

Beatrice noticed Subaru's eyelashes quivering, and as she furrowed her brows, Garfiel continued, pointing to the opposite side of the spacious garden. “Well, cap’n’s takin’ a break, so shouldn't we continue our chat somewhere else?”

“Finally, someone with common sense, in fact. No longer shall any of you disturb Betty’s contractor’s sleep—”

And, as if on cue, Subaru jolted awake, darting his eyes to scan his environment. Beatrice instinctively held his hand and tightened her grasp.

“You're in the gazebo, Subaru, I suppose. You took a short nap after strolling around; Did Betty wake you, I wonder?” The spirit gazed at him with apologetic eyes, making him aware of his surroundings in a hushed voice.

It would seem he had a little bit of trouble with figuring out where he was every time he woke up. His shoulders relaxed, letting out a breath.

“No, no… I kinda just woke up by myself… How long did I…”

He then made eye contact with the trio, and his heart made a thump as he reflexively swallowed back all of his drowsiness, all of his nausea and exhaustion to put a smile on his face.

“Oh, hi guys! What are you doing?”

“Hi, cap’n! Sorry for wakin’ you up, we were just about to leave…”

“Don't sweat it, don't sweat it. I probably slept like, a lot, so it was about time I stopped being lazy. It was my internal clock at work, anyway.”

“You only slept for about ten minutes, I suppose…” Beatrice muttered words only Subaru was close enough to read, but chose to ignore.

“So? May I join in the conversation?”

“Umm, well, to answer your question, we were, umm…” 

“We were just admiring the flowers. It's not particularly any of your business, Barusu.” 

As Emilia struggled to find an excuse to hide the fireworks party plan she wanted to develop for him, Ram covered her in a simple and effective manner with her sharp tongue.

“Nee-sama, you're so mean! Emilia-tan’s business should also be my business as her knight, you know?”

“Hmph. There's nothing for you to do here. Go back to drooling on Beatrice-sama’s shoulder as you sleep like a little baby, shoo.”

“Eh? Beako, did I drool on your dress!?” Subaru snapped her head to the spirit, preparing to apologise for staining her pretty pink garment with his saliva.

“You did not, in fact. That girl's pulling your leg, I suppose.”

“Nee-sama…!”

“Hah. Bye, later.”

“Bye-bye, Subaru!”

“See ya later, cap’n!”

The three of them hurriedly left as they waved to the knight, leaving him behind. With an exhale, Subaru quickly felt bile rise up his throat and managed to swallow it back before letting anything slip out, letting his throat sting and burn as if rebuking him.

“... Beako, do you happen to know what it is they're leaving me out of?”

“It was some nonsense, I suppose. It's nothing to get worried over, Subaru.”

Ram had told him that they didn't need him for whatever they wanted to do. Was he already so unreliable…? He really started feeling like he was just standing around, doing nothing as everyone else was busy. As if he'd been left out.

“Don't make that face, I suppose. Subaru, you should just focus on recuperating, in fact.”

The boy gently stroked his sister-figure’s hair in response.

“Right…”

As if.

He had been told that a party would be thrown later that night for the new servants, so perhaps they wanted to keep him out from helping… No. There was something else they were hiding from him.

But he was under heavy surveillance from Beatrice, and everyone was hard at work setting up the party, so it was hard picking up on whatever they were trying to do and keeping it away from him. Maybe if he helped out, he'd get some information, but…

“Betty told you to rest, Subaru. Working is forbidden, I suppose.” The spirit held him tightly by the hand, keeping him still.

“Pleeaaaase, Beako…! I promise I won't break anything!”

“The point is that you'd only exhaust yourself further, in fact!”

“Please, please, please! Just a little bit should be fine, right?? I’ll sew five new dresses for you! Two new dolls! I’ll give you headpats! Anything!”

“No is no, I suppose! Must you be so irritating?”

“I’ll keep annoying you like this all day long!”

“Ugh… Betty doesn't like this… Let's go back to bed.”

“Beako…!”

“Our apologies, please stay out of the way!” A large table was carried through the hallway, which was already busy with maids and Ryuzu copies, forcing them into two halves stuck to the opposite walls. Subaru and Beatrice joining one of the crowds, the boy took the opportunity to slip away.

“Sorry, Beako… By nature, I always stick my nose in other people's business!” He whispered to himself as he walked and snuck into the kitchen.

The kitchen is one of the most important rooms of the mansion. It was possible something there might give him some sort of clue… A lot of food was prepared and still in the middle of preparation, as expected of a party. It smelled divine, even if his appetite unfortunately didn't make him too hungry. 

“Let's see…”

He eyed the knives for a hot second, beads of sweat running down his brow. Forcefully ripping his gaze away, he investigated for a bit until he found…

“There’s not enough fire stones in here… Did they not restock?”

The bag of stones were near the stove, where a pot of a delicious smelling dish was brewed. That scent had attracted him near, and that was when he spotted the lack of fire stones.

“There's no way they'd organise a party with this few…”

“What are you doing here, Barusu?”

“—Eep!”

Being caught made him quite literally jump from his current crouching position in a standing one, but his foot slipped as he wanted to reposition himself, and—

“Watch out—!”

“Hot!” Subaru teared up as he fell on his butt on the floor, with the heated pot and its contents all spilled on him. It had apparently been Rem’s cooking, who had come into the kitchen with Ram.

“You idiot!” The twins rushed to get the pot off him, along with cleaning him off as they could of the hot, now ruined, food.

“Are you okay!?”

“Yeah, yeah. It's no biggie… Though…”

“The main dish is now ruined…”

“And we have extra work to do now, too. As always, good job, Barusu.” Ram clicked her tongue while throwing sarcasm at him.

“You smell full of food, too. If it was going to go to waste like this, you might've as well eaten it all.” Rem added.

“Sorry…” The boy’s gaze was cast down as the twins double-checked for any potential burns.

“To ask again, what were you doing here?”

“Well, you know… I just wanted to help, and I saw that you guys were running low on fire stones, so—”

“So, you were being useless as always.” Ram quipped to mask her surprise.

“I mean…”

“How many times were you told to go to sleep, Barusu? You're not needed here, so take a bath and go. You never listen, so you even ruined Ram’s dear sister’s carefully prepared meal.”

The boy before her gulped dryly, not being able to say anything back. He just slowly sat up towards the exit.

“I’m sorry for… Ruining the food…”

“We’ll accept the apology once you're cleaned off and well rested.”

Outside of the door, Beatrice was waiting, visibly frustrated as she sat with her arms crossed with a gaze that seemed to pierce right through him.

“You don't have to say anything, Beako. I’m sorry for separating myself from you…” Subaru said dejected, not letting Beatrice reprimand him. He already cursed himself plenty of times in his head. He shouldn't have forced himself into matters that didn't concern him. He thought he should've already known that.

“You're not needed here” rang out inside his skull, and shook his head to silence it.

“...”

“How did you even get this dirty, I wonder? Let's get you cleaned and dressed, I suppose…”

“Right...”

And so they walked out of the hallway, leaving everyone in the Mathers’ Mansion to do their work as Subaru was left out of it completely. Beatrice, too, but he felt like her watching him was the hardest work she was given, so he couldn't claim she was a slacker like he was.

He didn't even find out what they were trying to hide from him.

Maybe he was just being an idiot, imagining things. It wouldn't be exactly news.

‘Don't be so arrogant to think people pay special attention to you.’ He could hear a voice say that.

At least he was invited to the party itself. It was apparently organised outdoors, and everyone seemed to be having fun, drinking and eating. They all worked hard except for the slothful knight, but all of that exhaustion seemed to melt away under the moonlight.

He stuck with Beatrice and Emilia, not willing to meet the twins’ eyes he upset earlier that day. They were now enjoying themselves with the rest of the camp, and that was what was important.

“I heard from Ram about the incident in the kitchen…”

“Ah, is that so? I really messed up…”

“I brought it up just because I wanted to ask if you’re alright. The girls were fretting about it, saying that the food was pretty hot… They didn’t find any burns, but it would not hurt to double-check.”

“It was hot, but not that hot; Thank you for your concern, Emilia-tan, but I’m fine.”

“I’m glad!”

“I just… I want to make up for ruining it, though.”

“It happens, Subaru. You reaaally don’t have to think too much about it. I’m sure Rem and Ram don’t, either.”

“Is that so…”

Emilia was quick to notice Subaru looked a little bit more sullen than usual, so she held him by the hand, intertwining her fingers with his. She didn’t allow him the time to get flustered, dragging him over to the food stands.

As expected, there were lots of different plates full of pastries, desserts and the like, and each of them looked extremely appetizing. 

“They look tasty…”

“Don’t they?” Emilia sneaked behind him to grab a slice of something that seemed to be a velvet cake, after which she carefully cut a bite-sized piece out of it, slipping it into her knight’s mouth.

“Here!”

“—Mph!”

“Chew carefully.”

“...”

“How is it?”

“It’s soft… And very sweet. I like it. It’s just like you! EMT!”

“Subaru, you dunderhead! There’s a lot of varieties to try here, so sit with me and taste all of them, oh-key?” The girl blushed, but tried her best to hide it.

“Okay, Emilia-tan.”

With Emilia feeding him every single time, he was able to take a bit of everything, fortunately without his strained, stingy stomach rejecting it. That was enough for him to bring out a smile. 

“Subaru, will you try this one?”

“Mm, this one is even sweeter, Emilia-tan! It’s tooth-rotting!”

“Isn't it? I think this chocolate one might be my favorite.”

“Betty likes that one, too. Betty thinks the maids could've made it even sweeter, in fact.”

“Beako, if you weren't a spirit, your teeth might've fallen off… Easy on the sweets, okay?”

“What a rude thing to say, I suppose!” The young girl crossed her arms, appearing indignant. Subaru took her up in his arms in response. 

“My bad, my bad! You’re the sweetest thing among all these cakes! None could ever hope to rot your teeth.”

“That’s better, in fact.”

“By the way, Subaru…” Emilia changed her tone of voice, capturing the boy’s attention in an instant.

“Yes?”

“We um… Everyone was worried about you for a while now, and we didn't know how to help. Frankly, we still don't…”

“…” Subaru slowly put Beatrice back down, fully facing Emilia, nervousness slowly rearing its head.

“And don't think about it as being a bother to anyone or something! I don't mean to say it like that! What I mean to say is that we prepared something for you.” 

“We hope it will make you happy.”

Subaru tilted his head, blushing at the thought of being a target of everyone's consideration. His previous anxiety disappeared into thin air, barely keeping himself from jumping like a child asking ‘For me? Really?’.

“Something?”

“I might not understand half of the things you're saying sometimes, Subaru, but I’d never forget any of them. So… I remembered those fire flowers from your homeland you spoke of.”

“... Fire flowers?”

“The ones you told me about…! They fly into the sky and make people happy!”

“Oh, you mean fireworks?”

“Right, it's fireworks, Subaru!”

“Fireworks…”

“Fireworks, huh… It's true, I really haven't seen some in a long time…”

A shiver ran down his spine.

“Wait, firewo—?”

Boom!

And the fireworks bloomed beautifully with a powerful noise. Everyone was enthralled by the beautiful yet ephemeral fire flowers that so easily captured their whole attention.

Boom! Boom!

Blue, red, yellow, pink… They bloomed in various beautiful flowers and quickly wilted in innumerable sparks with the sound of explosions.

Boom!

Subaru’s attention was caught too, but in a completely different way, his face turning pale. His ears were ringing. He felt his blood run backwards as his heart threatened to burst out of his chest as it rammed itself against his ribs at a fast pace. ‘A bomb’ was the only thing his brain could come up with as it loudly rang alarm bells within.

‘Calm down. It's just fireworks. Everyone made them for my sake. Don't…’ He would repeat inside his head like a mantra, desperately trying to prevent his mind slipping away and falling apart.

It's just fireworks. It's just fireworks. It's just fireworks—

Boom!

He didn't want to hear anything. He didn't want to feel pain. It was so scary, scary scary scary scary scary scary scary scary scary scary scary scary scary scary scary scary scary scary scary 

“—Subaru!?”

Sweating profusely and squeezing his eyes shut as he fell on his butt, he opened his mouth and screamed, feeling his throat burn. As long as he closed his eyes and shouted, he wouldn't suffer. That's the ironclad rules he established after crying, screaming and dying god knows how many tens or hundreds of times, he didn't know himself—

The desperate howl that had seemed to come from a scared mutt immediately notified the ones around him, who had quickly crouched down to his level to figure out what was wrong. Only those in close proximity could hear, his yells drowned out by the loud fireworks.

“Subaru! What's wrong? Subaru!?”

“Subaru-sama, what happened?”

His name was being called, but the gushing blood felt louder in his ears. He plugged his ears with his palms, in hopes he could save his eardrums. It was flowing somewhere, inside or outside, he couldn't check, and it hurt. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt, if only it could hurt somewhere else, it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt there was a rough surface below him he could bang his head against it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt but he felt something restrain him from moving it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt 

“Subaru, don't! Listen to Betty, I suppose!”

“Subaru, it's okay, I don't see any wounds…! Nothing happened, I don't think…!”

He could hear girls trying to tell him something, but it was completely overshadowed by the ringing in his ears, so he could barely grasp the contents. He had his eyes closed, but he could vaguely feel a relatively big number of people huddle around him, and he felt short of breath. Beatrice and Emilia, who was among those people, pulled Subaru up and prevented him from harming himself by locking his arms around their own to the best of their ability.

“You people, make some space, in fact!” The spirit hissed at the worried crowd.

“You can open your eyes, Subaru! You're just outside the Mathers' mansion in Lugunica, in fact! Nothing is happening, it's just the ‘fireworks show’ you had told Emilia of! Is it not what you described, I wonder?” 

Thankfully, it was enough to stop him from mindlessly howling to the point of rupturing his throat… Though they weren't sure it was necessarily because of that or because he had already exhausted his voice box with that shrill cry. It seemed to lean towards the other, as a very rough yet strained voice came out of his mouth.

“No…”

“You're with me, Beatrice and everyone else…! You're safe, you can open your eyes…”

But the fireworks still cracked loudly in the background, lighting up the night sky.

“Uhh… It’s all gonna explode red… I don't want the red pain…!”

After long minutes of Subaru's unrelenting flails, the spirit figured the optimal choice was to bring him somewhere more quiet. Nodding at Beatrice, Emilia quickly pulled Subaru in her arms and carried him through the crowd back to the mansion where the firework noises could not reach. 

Propping the boy on the sofa in the parlor, the two girls sat next to him as he kept his eyes closed and ears plugged as his teeth chattered in fear.

A couple of servants followed them inside the empty mansion, and Beatrice quickly told one of them to prepare a cup of tea, the maid then scurrying off. The other one stood outside, making sure no one else went in without notice.

“There's nothing to hurt you here, see…?”

“It hurts…”

Both Beatrice and Emilia shook their heads at each other in confirmation. Subaru wasn't injured, they double checked. There was no time or opportunity for him to be injured, either.

“Subaru, if you open your eyes, you’ll see that everything's fine, I suppose. You're with us now, in fact…”

“... I don't… I don't want the red pain…”

His soul cowered in terror, and his quickened breaths catching in his throat were proof of it. He didn't… He didn't want the scary pain again. His expression was stuck in a pitiful grimace.

“Louis…?”

Beatrice squinted her eyes.

“You mean that girl, Spica, I suppose? She stayed back in Vollachia, safe and sound with absurdly powerful people to protect her…”

“...”

“You still have your head attached… Right…?”

“Huh?”

“We have to go… We can't stay here…” Subaru tugged at Beatrice’s sleeve.

“Where is this ‘here’ you speak of, I wonder?”

“...”

“You're back in Lugunica, with me, Beatrice, Otto, Garfiel, Rem, Ram, and everyone else…”

His heart still hitting itself against his ribs, he bit his lip as he fearfully opened his eyes, his eyelashes quivering. His vision didn't explode in blood crimson. There was no pain except for his strained throat. Warily touching his eyeballs and lids with his fingers, he could sense that they were in their normal place, not popped out of their sockets, not hanging by a string, not burst into a bright, repulsive red. He let out a trembled exhale.

“I can see…”

It was alright. He wasn't going to be in pain then die. He could feel hot tears welling up behind his eyes, and he did not want to cry, but he still did.

“It’s… It's not red…”

“That's right, Subaru, it's not red.”

The girls were quite confused about what he meant by it, but assured him anyway. He had spent so much time separated from them, after all— They didn't want to think about what horrible things he might've gone through in that cruel and unforgiving country.

“It's not red…!”

Though just that his vision wasn't red was a tremendous relief, his body still shuddered in fear, continuing to tremble. Within the next few seconds, he could always be decapitated, mangled, who knows what else…

He had already been very well conditioned. What if Beatrice and Emilia sitting right next to him are illusions along with the mansion produced by his broken mind…? What if he was physically still there, his heart on the brink of death…? What if they're not real, and he just imagined everything as a way to escape his prison…?

Repeating those ten seconds of hell endlessly, stuck in a world where all he could do was die. Pain, red, scary, why, death. Pain, red, scary, why, death. Pain, red, scary, why, death. Over and over… Over and over, infinitely…

Bile rose up his throat and a bit of acid spilled out at the corner of his mouth, managing to somehow swallow it back as he held his hand up to his lips.

“... I’m sorry…” He muttered.

At a loss for what to do, the girls tightly held onto him. To feel their warmth and fully come back. To not let his body grow cold as his mind was wandering in the darkest depths of his past. In response, out of subconscious desire to feel warmth, he tightly grasped the girls' hands to the point that it hurt a little. 

“Thank you… I love you…” 

With his laboured breath, he muttered the same three phrases for a while, his mind still hovering between dream and reality, struggling to identify which one was which. 

That's right. Back then, too… If it weren't for remembering them, asking himself what they would've done in his stead, that they would surely jump into danger more effectively than his cowardly self, he probably would have repeated those ten seconds for far longer… Breaking his mind for good, rupturing and killing his heart… Holding onto Spica’s headless corpse as if she were a doll and dying soon after… Not being able to do as Yorna instructed to save his life… Feeling his body torn apart by countless shards that flew right into his then-tiny limbs, eyes and mouth, dicing him into small bits…

Every time Natsuki Subaru thought of his childhood, all his brain could conjure up was agony.

That's why… He should be grateful for the people that saved him. He could never repay their kindness, could he?

Slowly inhaling and exhaling, he could feel like he was slowly returning to where he belonged, where everyone waited for him. Blinking and shaking his head, he was no longer in a dream-like state where the line between illusion and reality was blurred to the point it was barely visible, though he couldn't shake off the nausea.

“I’m… I’m fine now…”

“Are you sure?”

“You’re here right next to me, so…” He swallowed dryly, face still pale, then coughed. Placing his hands on his neck, his throat ached from stressing it so much. In understanding, Beatrice quickly handed him a glass of water poured from a pot filled with fresh water nearby. 

Gulping it down, his voice box felt a bit rejuvenated.

“I’m not hallucinating, right? You're here, right…?”

“Yes, Subaru. We’re here.”

Breaking into tears once more at the affirmation and holding his head in his hands, he could only curse himself. 

“I’m sorry…!”

Of course they were right there… He wasn't alone anymore. He should've believed in it from the start, but he was scared. Scared that he had never actually escaped that hell, and that his mind had surely broken for good.

He could feel Emilia’s gentle hand circling his back in an attempt to console him, and Beatrice tightly holding onto his arm, as if to tell him that she'd never let go of him again. They were so kind to someone like him, and he felt like dying.

He felt like a leech feeding off everyone's kindness, sucking them dry day after day. 

“No, I have to apologise! I thought the fireworks would be a pleasant surprise… I’m sorry, I should have asked you first…” Emilia worded an apology that did not reach.

“You just wanted to make a nice surprise for me, and I ruined it instead, didn't I!?I can't even sleep… Or do anything… And I’m so tired… And I’m making a huge mess out of nothing and creating trouble for you…”

“This isn't any trouble at all, Subaru. Everyone knows how hard you work for us every day. Again, it's us who should've chosen something… Less explosive.”

“I don't even know how I’m… Supposed to repay this kindness… I just want to help out in some way…”

“You don't need to do anything, Subaru. Everyone can handle everything just fine.”

“...”

“If you really want to repay us in some way, the only way is for you to get a good rest. You don't have to do anything else.” Emilia answered with a caring tone as she ran her fingers through Subaru’s hair.

To not do anything; Was that even possible for Natsuki Subaru? It wasn't like he wasn’t actually capable of that, but he couldn't just sit around… What would be his place here, then? If everyone could deal with everything, where did he come in?

If he didn't have to do anything, if he had no role to play… Didn't that make him replaceable? No, no, no, that definitely wasn't the case. Right?

And on top of that…

“Even though… Because of me… Priscilla—”

“That wasn't your fault.” The half-elf’s voice turned stern halfway through, not leaving him any room to argue.

“But…”

“I know it hurts. I’m sure your pain is unimaginable, Subaru. I know you're worried about Al too, and how much he must hurt is surely not something we can measure. Nonetheless, the guilt that's eating at your heart is uncorroborated.”

“I’m sure that the final words Priscilla gave you weren't ones of blame.”

“Mhh…”

“So please… Don't hurt yourself over something you're not responsible for...” The half-elf said, her fingers softly sliding across Subaru's cheeks, wiping his tears.

“You already went overboard with that in the first place, I suppose.” Beatrice lightly shuddered, thinking back to when he would ask the Pleiades Battalion to let him make amends by letting himself get beaten into unconsciousness several times. Nothing more than terrible, unnecessary self-inflicted punishment, in the petite spirit’s eyes. His awful habit of mutilating himself had only worsened over time, too.

“That's right. You didn't do anything bad, Subaru. You're a good boy, so there's nothing to feel guilty about.”

Of course she'd say that. Emilia was always that kind… But…

No, he was a sinner. If only he hadn't listened and thrown himself off that rampart, then there was a chance he could've saved Priscilla, too. Even if it took a hundred or two hundred times, or maybe even more, he surely would've figured out a way— He had to find a way. 

Once more, he had failed to save someone. Could he… Even do anything right? Can someone truly say they were successful if they had let one person slip by? Everyone minus one is not everyone, therefore the answer is an obvious no…

His cowardly, incompetent self was left with his fingernails covered in blood as he watched the Sun Princess melt into the rising sun. His mind was ultimately stuck in the past like that, thinking what he should've done, what he should do to make amends to pay for one’s lost life and another's never-to-be-closed wound.

He felt a strong yet tiny grip on his right arm which he had immediately recognized as his lovely contracted spirits’. Looking in her direction, it would seem she had just barely stopped him from unconsciously scratching himself in front of Emilia, and a pang of shame welled up within.

“Subaru, you look terrible, in fact. Do you want to go back to your room to rest, I suppose?”

“Do I…? I think I’m fine, though.”

Beatrice frowned, and even Emilia's face flashed a grimace at that poor lie.

“Your undereyes are painted with an unseemly dark color, your eyes are red and puffy from crying, and I can’t press enough on just how lifeless you look right now, in fact.”

“Now, now, Beatrice, no need to be so direct; Though Subaru does look reaaally awful right now.”

“Woah, no punches pulled…”

“Everyone would be really sad if they saw you this way… I’m sure the girls that already did are incredibly worried about you.”

Several people saw Subaru in that pathetic state and troubled themselves over him… Subaru scratched the back of his head before lowering it. Could he be any less of a drag?

“I’ll have to thank everyone for their concern, then… I’ve messed up their work lately, so I should really make it up to them.” Subaru stood up, only for him to be pulled back into the sofa by Emilia the next second.

“Right now?”

“When else? Everyone's enjoying themselves right now, I think, yeah, so I should make it easier on them for tomorrow… Yeah, that's what I should do.”

Emilia frowned.

“Why do you always seem to struggle so much…?”

“What do you mean ‘why’? What else am I supposed to do?”

“Subaru, I had just told you that you reaaally have to take it easy for now…”

“There's nothing else I can do… What's my purpose here if that's also taken away from me?” Tears started to form in his eyes again, clenching his teeth and blinking repeatedly as to not let them out.

“Subaru.”

“You guys are all I have… I don't want to be left behind because I’m a good-for-nothing…”

“Subaru…!”

Subaru cowered and shrunk under her gaze as a response, swallowing dryly.

“...Umm…! I mean… You're right! Nothing that can't be solved without a little bit of sleep then, right?” The knight answered with a forced chipperness, forcing back his sobs and tears.

“I really should stop being such a hopeless mess that only flails around uselessly. You're right, I should… I should go to sleep. Should we go, Beako? I’m sure you’ll get grumpy that you’re not getting your beauty sleep!” 

“...!”

Jumping out of his seat, he held his spirit’s hand as a quick ‘woah’ escaped her lips from the sudden switch-up and started walking hurriedly out of the parlor. 

“Subaru…?”

“Mm. It's already late, so… Good night, Emilia! I hope you rest well, or… I don't know. Right, the party is still ongoing… Have fun!” 

And he was gone, out of a dumbfounded Emilia's sight.

“... I will…” Emilia answered reluctantly. Just now… He pushed her away whilst horribly deprecating himself again, and she felt her heart painfully constrict for a reason she couldn't describe or understand. Touching her chest with her hand, she furrowed her brows, questioning why exactly it had felt so unpleasant.

It was then that Sylphy came in, asking if there was anything she could help with after she heard what had happened.